So just wanted to take the time to document some decisions for quick reference. March was a whirlwind. And even though I tried to give myself April off from the swirling of thoughts, I spent quite a few hours Saturday and Sunday trying to find my way to Philadelphia.
Here's how the feelings went. Huh, it sucks that the cool spot I wanted to try was booked. Why don't I feel sadder? Hmm. Well let's just double check. Let's triple check. Is there anywhere else I wanted. Wow, this is one of the 2 apartments I had my eye on when I thought I was for sure moving to Philadelphia. It would've been cool to try it and imagine myself there. Well it's a good thing (a few days later), I decided it doesn't make sense to go.
Then...
Well, even if I don't move there, I did have this fantasy of a fast paced life. (Jump to looking up places to buy on Realtor. Spend many hours clicking around and a new dream of just buying a condo emerges). Decide, well I can still go. The original conditions of a getaway in April are still true - ie, low workload. Plus now I have the added benefit of dodging some upcoming work I don't want to do. I was a bit bummed that I didn't get a chance to check out that cool very luxurious apartment. Even if I don't get to live there, part of this seasonal travel is staying in bomb places! Proceed to look at the next best (my favorite..not!) options. A place in the same building is available April 22. Okay just do that. But it would coincide with a pending work trip - which cuts my time in Philly down to 3 weeks vs 4 weeks. Now spend time figuring out I'm spending more for less time. Boo. And this becomes less of a deal, and thus less fun. Spend time spiraling at new price point for 3 weeks and now look up the 3 new short term Philly rental sites I found. Realize these rates are pretty much hotel rates at about $100/night. Which takes the fun and urgency out of it because I can essentially get those prices at any time give or take a few dollars.
Lose track of what I'm trying to achieve, get bummed, get frustrated. Close all the windows. Moments later, decide to write it out and come up with achievables- stay in a nice apartment, for a bargain. Also don't want to confound two separate trips because it decreases my time away from home (loose goal to spend 4 months away). Decide just have to be okay that I didn't get to stay in this apartment. Note, the 2 I had my eye on appear to have their corporate lease endings. Boo.
There were a lot of decisions I came to this weekend. For now. As this seems to be ever changing.
1. Moving- No
a. Financially, it doesn't make sense.
b. Emotionally, it's too much of a risk.
i. Re: notes from 10 years ago show recurring patterns of wanting magical outcomes
ii. Re: no data to date of successfully making friends outside of work/school
c. Note:
i. If still want to check out Philly = short term rental in the nicest place your heart desires!
2. Going to Philly in April - No
a. This isn't a decision more of a coming to terms. The cool apartment I had my eye on was snatched up before Brain was ready to make a decision. Cost of doing business with a Broken Brain.
b. The other cheap ones weren't the experience I wanted - location/ price. I like a deal, and I wanted a shiny high rise in the heart of a city. Going for 3 weeks kind of defeats the purpose of getting a good deal. Can always go another time.
c. Note: subject to change if I really want it/ feeling lingers
d. Note: yeah it sucks not staying in one of the 2 places I originally had my eye on. #anchorbias
3. Remote South program- No
a. If not really moving any time soon, the original idea of getting free housing for a year has lost its appeal. I was never going to move further south for any reason...well except for risk of destitution. But this program is much smaller and doesn't seem to have the level of community that would make it worth it. If I were definitely moving, then the free housing benefit still stands; but if I'm not, not sure it's worth the hassle.
4. Tulsa Remote - Probably
a. I would probably take the opportunity if offered because it solves for the current problem - building community in a new town
b. Would I still sell my house and make a plan to head west to Seattle? No
c. What will I do with my house? TBD. The $10k will offset the carrying cost of the NC house, so this still makes it an easier yes with no real money lost (opportunity cost is a different story, but that's okay).
d. Yes, take the car. Calculated it's a 2 night/3 day drive…Maps shows you the big cities you can plan to stop in.
5. 5 Year Plan / 15 year Plan - Stay put
a. As much I tried to solve for the problem of paying $2500/mon for housing, it just doesn't make sense. I was reminded of a couple things:
i. Having new work assigned to me on Friday and the angst and dread I felt. Now imagine that full time with the pressure of now having to afford my $60k life x 5 years. I'd be moving backwards emotionally. Even the $500k safety net doesn't feel like enough. Namely because that safety net secures a $20k life, $30k at best.
ii. That coupled with trying to make new friends. It's a lot of pressure. I'm not ready. (Let's not forget the March Meltdown).
iii. Remember my Plans when I turned 30 and the magical thinking that still exists, also gave me pause.
iv. Plan for the Next 30, also reminded me to stop chasing unachievable/unpredictable outcomes.
Note: if the maintenance/pest problem does get to be too much, I reserve the right to pull the escape hatch. That also is in the back of my mind. Even when I'm here, I don't enjoy it because of the pest paranoia and just the impending feeling of upcoming maintenance. Ugh.
b. The impetus for wanting this move was a couple things:
i. Not least of all, the increased home equity - I tried and tried and just couldn't figure out how to capitalize on this. I just have to let it go.
ii. Also just the general feeling of discontentment and is there all there is - the internet says this might be a mid-life crisis.
iii. Plus just wanting to capitalize on these last 5 high earning years. Some FOMO in terms of living a more upgraded life.
Will stick to the flexible plan of just living/traveling/visiting elsewhere for 4 months out of the year. (With the added benefit of trying to get a good deal for #morefun). It just feels weird to retire without really living. Struggling, yes, plenty of that. But not really living without the struggle. Oh well. I think I just have to continue to sit with the reality of yea, this is all there is...for you.
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