Good Friday Update

 I stayed in bed until 9a. I was up before 7a because light was peeking through my window and it's very warm! I thought putting the thermostat to 78 (from 80*F) was a splurge but I might bring it down even more as the weather continues to warm. 

So that happened. I read some blogs.

Then at 9a, I felt like I should probably check in on some emails. It's been a slow week so I was 80% confident there would be nothing. And I was right. I sent an email to my old boss. And for the first time (maybe ever), I intentionally did not log into Teams. This is how criminals get caught, my mind told me. But I'm not doing anything criminal! It's a slow work day. I don't think I'll get any emails or chat messages as I'm not leading any active projects at the moment. 

I spent countless hours since getting the Remote program invite trying to envision my new life. Newtown - I think I'll just shorten it to Newtown/Newton for ..reasons. 

I looked it up and I am reasonably convinced I can find good enough housing for $850/mon (my current costs). Definitely not a brand new townhouse that's hood adjacent that I feel comfortable wearing a house dress and sleep bonnet to, but tradeoffs right.

I think the weather is probably okay since commuting is optional. And it's not Illinois level snow, so I don't think it's shovel-able. And the summers are supposed to be worse than here. With lots of days above 100 degrees. 

So weather and cost have moved down on the list of cons. 

I didn't know this but my current town is 40% black and Newtown is 13% black. This morning I woke up thinking about it and my heart was filled with trepidation. 

Am I going to have to watch my back? When will I be othered next - grocery store, doctor's office, social settings. Watching some highlight videos all I could see were white faces and it didn't fill me with good feelings.

So I'm still working to uncover the root of my issues; what makes me feel safe and comfortable; vs what makes me feel scared and trepidation. I want to zoom out of the acute feelings and try to understand what I want to accomplish.

In my current town the things I favor most are:

- low cost of housing

- comfort at my 3 spots - McDs, Food Lion, Walmart, and Dollar Tree. I can dress however I want without issue

- weather

...I lost my train of thought because I got distracted doing something else...

Anyways some thoughts on the whole thing (thus far):

- Do I really want to be outnumbered by white people again?

- Is the potential for new friends worth it? Especially when I haven't assigned a value to this?

- Am I ready to put all this energy into relationships to end up right where I am now but with less energy (especially given I haven't assigned a value to this)? 

- If it's same/similar weather and same/similar cost of living, what's really in it for me? (That's where social life and community and different lifestyle come to play).

I never knew Philadelphia also has 40% black people. That makes it sound more appealing for sure.

But the more the threat of spending all of my income feels real, the more I realize how much I prefer living below my means. There is a sense of comfort, joy, pride, and self-reliance that I'm not ready to give up and not sure I ever will. So, it's unfortunate that sometimes the risk of losing something makes you better appreciate it, but I'm not comfortable giving up my financial cushion. Even though I can technically afford it. I like having as much room between income and expenses as possible. So moving just for lifestyle isn't a compelling enough reason right now for me to give up that cushion. The thing is ... I don't know what is. 

But as with all my wants...after awhile of not getting it, the desire just dampens and it seems less urgent. I was on fire to move last year and most of the years prior. But when it comes time to make a change, there is a mental block. I thought it was the traumatic events of NC and I think it largely is, but I can't undo what has happened. I can't undo what I've experienced. 

Better can't be a fuller emotional cup because that cup eventually evaporates, is intangible, and is unreliable. And worst case scenario, I'll deplete my already lean emotional reserves and move through my financial reserve really quickly so I'll have less x 2.

But staying here, my financial reserve stays in tact. And my emotional reserve probably continues to decline but at a slow pernicious rate. 

But best case scenario with a lifestyle change still has my financial reserve and future earnings depleted at a faster rate. And my emotional well still probably filling at an uneven, risky, unpredictable pace. 

I don't have the benefit of long-lasting meaningful friendships to convince myself it's worthwhile and I can only work with the information I have. My extended family is great in time of crisis but on a regular basis isn't enough. They just aren't. And that's not to say they're bad people and don't care about me. I'm just looking for something else. 

Anyway, what was the point of this post...basically as far as moving to Newtown, I think the last place we left off on the decision making was to keep the house as-is; maybe make a decision at 6 months to sell or not. 

I will say the move using an established short term rental company isn't going to be as easy as I thought. I want to stay downtown and be near a walkable area of town. That's kind of the dream. And those places are out of my price point which I've identified as $1500/mon (nearly twice what I pay now). 

But I really want this to be an adventure and a convenient one at that, so my heart is set on a furnished rental where all I have to do is bring my self, clothes, and car. No floofing around with setting up and breaking down an apartment. 

P.S. - I just re-read this for typos and I sound unclear. To be clear, if I get the chance to move to Newtown, it's a definite yes (or at east 85%). The real outstanding issue - if I pack it all up, sell my house, and move. Or just plan to be there for a year and come back to NC.  And secondary issue - will I find a furnished luxury rental for $1500/mon in the heart of the action. And if not, what will I compromise on - price, location, or convenience of moving.