The thing I want to get off my chest. I cracked. I was just mentally fatigued with all the people around me in pairs or families. I want to be confident and happy traveling solo. But it's tiring. And I think that white man's family vacation with his daughter celebrating her 40th birthday stuck with me a bit. How much love and support she must feel. ( I spent my last birthday crying...and there's a very real possibility my next birthday will be exactly the same.)
My backpack was getting heavy carrying around my laptop. And I think I traveled with just way too much stuff. And Delta's annoying flying to Philly because a very short trip ended up being a very long trip. I left my house at 2p and didn't check into my lodging until midnight. That's 10 hours. I could have driven or taken the bus in that much time. And been just as aggravated but not out $600+ dollars.
I'm more aware of grievances these days because my equilibrium is hair-triggered.
Anyway, sitting in that darn airport on a 2 hour delay after traveling the opposite direction for 2 hours left me forlorn. I downloaded 2 apps and contacted Dan. I'm not sure why... but I just made it worse because I needed to cover my shame. I messaged him thinking it was cute but it probably just came off as crazy and immature. I just sent him a picture of my sneakers and my brown skin. Surely, he would know it was me (and he would remember how much he loved me and we would ride off into the sunset). He responded right away with Who is this? And instead of just replying...I just went into crazy girl mode. I sent no less than 20 text messages in my monologue. And then he stopped responding.
It hurts. I cried a little. Then cried some more and cried again.
I was just thinking during my many hours of the airport... that I'd like to visit Seattle again. I'd be lying if I said if it wasn't to rekindle something with Dan or Sean. When will I ever grow up. I hate to catastraphosize or put myself down - but why am I still so silly. I'm so ashamed. And I just messaged him again. I'm at 50 to his 5. But we're just friends right?
I don't even know why I kept his contact info. (But also it's very easily googleable.) And then I proceeded to re-delete all images and screenshots of Sean. I didn't even remember him sending me those sweet messages. Oh well. It'll probably take until the end of my life to get over these last duds but here we are.
Things that went well today:
- Got a ride to the airport on the first try
- And got the number of the driver for next time!
- Utz kettle style classics - yum
- Ginger ale
- There was 24 hour check-in with a human at my new place
- I waited way too long to get out of surge pricing...but I saved $20. Not worth the 1 hour of waiting but here we are. How much is my time worth? Well it definitely would've sucked to have waited and still not get the reduced fare. (Well, I guess it was closer to a 20 minute wait for the reduced fare.)
Dan feels like My Racist Friend situation all over again - why are you nice to me but also won't love me? Why do you hate me? Why do I hate myself to keep doing this?
Here's the latest schedule I came up with for the summer
Philly- May
June to July 4: Seattle
Aug 1st weekend - visit Newtown and pick out apartment; sign lease
August, last weekend - move in; was stuck on moving in on a Monday or Tues; my original plans were to do a three day drive that started on Friday, so take Friday off. But when I did a dummy booking with real dates for the rental furniture, I realized moving in on over Labor Day was not going to work out as a lot of those days were blocked. So I think I might do my three day drive starting on Saturday and landing in Newtown on Monday. If I leave the rest-stop early enough Monday morning, the idea is to pick up my apartment keys that day and schedule the furniture delivery for that day as well.
That might seem rushed and I'm trying to move away from that mindset of saving the last dollar and making things harder than they need to be. This is supposed to be a fun adventure, not some budget hard economic thing. But old habits...
I think I still might just get an extra night in Newtown for Monday night, just in case. That way I can rest or at least drop off my stuff and have Tuesday to unpack as needed.
I'm trying to make this move/transition as easy and convenient and pleasant as possible. When it starts getting hard and overwhelming, I want to practice stepping back.
I'm safe and I'm in control.
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