June 2022 Financial Update

It's been awhile since I did one of these, so I might be all over the place. I love being free to say exactly what I want. I feel a bit censored at work. And even a bit censored in therapy. And I have no friends. I just like that this is a place to spill all the jumble in my mind. So sometimes there are typos or non-sequitur thoughts, but I need some place to be free.

I'm glad I kept this blog!

I just updated my balance spreadsheet and here are the numbers:

Investment balance: ~$430k

(Q1 Investment balance, for comparison: $481k)

So I'm down in balances about $50k. Mind you've I've contributed about that much to my various investment accounts. So Am I actually down $100k? Who knows!

I won't dwell.

I'm mostly trying to figure out a new banking solution for everyday living. 

Expenses: 

Here are 2022 YTD expenses:

Here are just Jun 2022 expenses: 

Notes:

Nothing really here. I think it's nice to know that outside of extras like traveling, I'm around $8k for the year thus far. If that trend continues, I should be around $16k for the year for basic everyday expenses. That's around 150% of the federal poverty level for a family of 1. I'm neither overly proud or sad. I'm a little proud....I guess...but not boastful. I guess I'm glad. It affirms that moving to Death House was a good financial choice.  

Life is simple here. The opportunities to spend money just aren't here for me. I mean splurging for me is getting more than 1 box of cereal at full price. 

I don't have many more words because I'm coming down from an anxious episode mixed with a bit of rejection. Meh. 

This is kind of the 'boring middle' but also just life. I am better when I don't chase remarkable outcomes. 

6/30, 8a - He loves me not

 Yeah, last night Feelings was acting up again. I deleted the contact on my phone. I stopped forwarding messages to my main email. I deleted the chat history. I no longer have his contact information. I'll momentarily add the contact when we're actively chatting so that brain doesn't memorize the phone number. But I will only permanently store the number once he is my boyfriend. After every chat, I have to delete it. That's the only way I can do this.

That's okay. I'm a big girl. I'll continue to update you guys on our interactions just to have something to do with it. Fodder for the blog is the best place to dispose of Feelings. 

I also wrote some notes for my next therapy meeting. Yes, I tried therapy because it's all the rage. This is my third attempt, so using my rule of 3, this is not for me. I'm just looking for actionable solutions instead of referrals for more therapy.

I need something to do now. What do I do with my life? Can you give me some dating/ relationship advice?

This time the big therapy words came out - anxious attachment, fear of abandonment.

Look, just tell me is it normal to go 2 weeks without talking to a girl you allegedly like? I mean, it feels like a yes or no question. 

Do I cut communication or not?

I think July is just going to be a bummer summer (as opposed to a not bummer summer). Oh well. We already determined, I'm at my worst when I'm trying to make my life remarkably better. So I'm not doing that. I'm committing to moping around all July. Oh well.

I'm not going to the child's birthday party this weekend. The baby shower the next. The company picnic, or any nature walks when the temperature is above 70 degrees. I don't know if I'll go to the Food Bank events. I don't really want to in this moment. 

Bummer Summer, bring it on! 

I'm excited for my ring.

Dude, can we celebrate the fact that I lived 6 more months!! Heck, yes!

Jettison regrets!

Life just is.

Is this how I die?

 I thought I could handle the breadcrumbs, but the reality is I can't. It's like each new interaction just exacerbates the issue. That's the opposite effect. You'd think it'd make me feel better. But I've checked my phone half a dozen times today and changed my notification setting so I ONLY get notifications from him.

I'm not coping well. Do you want to be my boyfriend or not?

I don't think I can make it through the whole summer like this.

So unfortunately the goal will be my next therapy session. Which is 3 weeks from now.

I'll ask her what to do and try not to do anything reactive before then. 

Maybe I'll just move it to next week. Maybe next week Friday. 

Maybe going back to Seattle is less about dating and more just running away from my problems.

It's not a permanent solution but it's all I got.

But I was sad there too.

6 months of solitude left for this year.

That's what I have to look forward to.

2 months of indoor solitude because it's too hot to do anything outside.

Actually, everything's not going to be okay

 I feel this strange sense of calm and relief. It might be because I just had a bowel movement but it might be other things.

I had my 6th meeting with my EAP counselor and usually I walk out of those with some sense of reasoning. Today was like that except unbeknownst to her she helped solidify for me that there's not much else to live for.

She kept asking for data that you know you can't overcome the next challenge. That life isn't a video game that your run out of tries or something like that. Except it is for me. 

I don't WANT to overcome anything else. And I live in a place where I can easily choose Game Over. Yes, I have indeed run out of lives. The next time a challenge comes that I don't want to overcome, I am going to opt-out of it.

But you can't say that to your mental health counselor. They'll put you on suicide watch. 

But I feel okay now.

She tasked me with finding some grief counselors. She says the ache I feel that is at the root of my anxiety and wanting to control (outcomes) is unresolved grief. Okay. Well I tried this exercise again and still found no one in my area or the 2 nearby metro areas accepting new patients via telehealth. So, I tried, world, I tried.

I'm also comforted by the 2 events I have to go to my jobsite for. That's two weekends in July accounted for and before you know it July will be done. And whatever anxiousness is attributed to Slow Fade can be contained in the spaces between those two weeks.

I thought about extending my stay and just staying with family because that's what a normal person would do. But I opted out of that. I just don't want to. Plus traveling by train means 2 full days I don't have to be working. #MoreFun

There's nothing much for me to do in that area.

I think the 2 work events also means it takes out some ambiguity of traveling back to Seattle. The earliest I could reasonably and easily go is that last weekend in July and by then I think most of this angst will have dissipated by sheer force of circumstance.

So what's on the horizon in terms of expectations.

In the next 3 weeks (before my next counselor session), here are some things I hope for:

Fantasy: We plan the next time we are going to see other. (He confesses his undying love for me and we live happily ever after).

Lesser: We at least have a conversation about seeing each other.

Smaller still: He calls me.

Even smaller: He sends me at least 1 lazy text.

Wow. 

Breadcrumbs people. Breadcrumbs.

And just like that my workday is over. 

I'm excited about my ring. I'm excited for possible work-paid travel. 

I now have to get my hair done, sometime between now and then. 

I bought a ring and talked to a boy

 Feeling a bit accomplished today! Mind you I did quite a bit for work, but I mean the reward is the paycheck. In my personal life, the struggle is for real.

Since returning, I've struggled to get back into some of the daily routines I'd been working on. Haven't brushed my teeth or showered since the first day really. Let's be honest, I was never good at that since working from home. But I had gotten into a bit of a routine as it relates to the workday. Do some work till 12n/1p or at least idle on the computer. Then lounge in the office until nighttime. Then go downstairs as part of pre-bed routine. Then come upstairs to bed. Summer bedtime moved from the 9p it was in the fall to around 11p. 

The last week and up to yesterday, I've just been moping around upstairs. And the last 4 days I just kind of stayed in bed after I did my work tasks. Yes, the whole weekend I just lay like a lump in bed.

But I got to chat with the boy again and I feel better. I don't know. I'm not sure what to do with the anxious energy. So I guess moping around is the thing. 

Food is no longer enough of a distractor. I've had Mi Casitas 3 times now. And been eating McDs in between. Ugh. 

Yesterday, Brain was trying to convince me that I was secretly in love with the Mormon. I pretty much believed it. Then when this morning hit and it was trying to convince me I was secretly in love with My Racist Friend, I was onto her! It's a trick!

Her error was going back to Racist Friend. That's not love. But she's so convincing. She glosses over all the negative feelings and just replays the 1 or 2 highlights. Wow. 

Can you imagine having a real addiction, how difficult that would be to beat. Because at least drugs, reportedly, actually make you feel good. These old crushes were mostly a figment of my imagination. 

Here are the two things I did that is giving me an Accomplishment High. I ordered a chair on Amazon. Last week, I'd made a note to cash in some work performance rewards points for an Amazon gift card to get the chair. By the time I made up my mind to order the chair today (because my shoulder is screaming at me), I almost forgot to cash in the rewards for the gift card. 

I hemmed and hawed for a bit over what chair to get, but I knew I wanted armless. I went with the cheapest. There were 2 undesirable designs so I just went with the one the computer showed me first. I'm not fighting science on that one. 

In my angst over the weekend that bled into this week, I'd been toying with getting myself a wedding ring. A brief Google search in the angst fog led me to something called sologamy. I guess it was trendy a few years ago to marry yourself. And here I thought I was being original.

There was a lot going into this ring.

I do want the fantasy of someone committing to love me and sealing the deal with a ring. A promise. 

I had an acceptance ring when I started professional school - just as a reminder to myself that I accepted my fate. I wasn't going to be a child star amongst other things.

I don't remember when I took it off, but I did. The symbolism helped ease the transition a bit.

I'm looking for something like that. Symbolism and ceremonies are my jam. They work for me to punctuate moments and inflection points.

I'm in this strange transition period that feels hormonally charged and I'm looking for some sort of stability to help with my emotions. 

The ring is being charged with that undertaking. Also, I want the experience. I am recognizing that some of these experiences I wanted to be a part of will have to be manufactured. I think without fully acknowledging it, I am sort of on a bucket list path. I feel like I'm going to die in my 60s. Every now and then, I find myself benchmarking choices against that timeline.

Let's not go too far down that road.

So yes, I ordered the chair - which thankfully my gift card covered! And I bought the ring. There were a few rings I'd looked at before. But yesterday I'd settled on a completely unknown jeweler's site. I even forewent price comparison shopping too much. There were 3 rings the computer served up to me - 1 $65 simple gold band which is what I originally searched for. The 2nd one had three stones. The third one had a cluster of stones.

I went with the second one at twice the price. Frugal Brain shot up a red flag but I talked myself down. I even talked myself out of trying to optimize the spend. My next Independence Day is coming up. I almost went with one of the other rings because I wanted to have it either by 4th of July or debut it at my work function in mid-July. 

The ring I decided on though isn't shipping until like mid-July. That will have to be okay I guess. 

It'll be a more private ceremony with myself this way anyway.

Vows

These are some unfinished vows I'd penned in the middle of the angst fog.

I promise to stop doing things that are known to hurt you.

I promise to stop chasing big fantasies.

I vow to stay rooted in reality.

I shall do my best to protect you - emotionally, physically, and financially. 

I couldn't really find the words. The exercise led me to think what would I want someone to vow to me, and I got stuck and abandoned the exercise.

The ring

Ultimately I went with the ring with the 3 stones for the structure. I'm still me - and me still benefits from structure. 

So rings in our culture today symbolize love and commitment, I believe. The ring reminds me that I was loved deeply by my Darling Aunty.  (And it maybe the greatest love I'll know on earth. I have to be okay that romantic love may never come the way I imagined or at all. But I was loved on earth. And a lot of the stability I have come to rely on were a direct result of having that love - I just didn't know it).

The commitment is the commitment I'm making to myself to protect and keep myself safe - emotionally, physically, and financially. 

Those are the 3 stones. 

And 3 plays such a big part of a lot of things I do. 3 is the holy trinity. 3 is the right line (a mathematical insider thing). And the stones are a little bit of flair for my aunt. 

Like I said, I just wanted something to help anchor me through this transitional stage in my life. I'm not sure I'll wear it forever or that I need to wear it forever. But forget forever. I need it now to help. 

The Boy

Let's talk about him a bit. My strategy on him is changing by the minute. I know he's still actively swiping. Did I tell you I deleted my Catfish Katie profile that I started to see what he was up to. Yeah, I did. 

I just got tired of caring.

I hope we fall in love and live happily ever after. But if not, I'll actually be okay. 

Mixed bag

- We chatted via text. 

    - I wanted him to call me or say he would call me. But Rationale says it's a noisy airport, that would've been annoying.

- I wanted him to text me when he got home.

   - But Rational Brain says he already knew you'd be asleep because you said it yourself and you actually were. 

I hope within a week he makes plans for us to see each other soon. I want to give him sometime to decompress after a two-week trip. I know I'm still getting used to stuff after my trip. 

Positives from the text convo:

- He shared a pic of him and 2 members of his family. 

- He asked me how I've been.

- He was overall responsive.

- We talked about finance stuff.

- I let him know I took his advice which I think would make him feel good. I'm still trying to figure out if he likes being the resourceful/knowledgeable one or if it's a source of stress for him.

- I'm curious about his mom and his relationship with his mom.

- I'm curious what he feels a partner would contribute to his life. Using my 3 tenets, he is financially stable, has a great support system in his family and local community of friends and colleagues, it seems. And he seems to self-pleasure for his physical needs. I hope it's revealed to me through our interactions (or by directly asking) what exactly and genuinely he hopes a partner will contribute to his life. I'm well aware what we think we want differs from what may actually be true or what we'll accept.

- I attempted a (fully clothed )sexy pic and I got positive feedback on it. That helped me not feel weird and awkward. 

I'm trying to hit the parts popular media says men like - compliments/ feel good, sex appeal, a little bit of intelligence. 

Where did these tears even come from

 I just had a small session of crying. I'm not sure where those tears even came from. A little bit of anxious energy from the boy. I've spent the day and last night crafting the perfect text.

Then I found myself missing the Mormon? For what? I think it's mostly feelings of rejection. And just this taunting feeling that I'm going to be alone and I failed all these attempts.

Maybe I will get that ring after all - if only to get me through this weird spell. Is it just the pressure of FIRE and this implicit inflection point. That I'm starting yet another chapter of my life without a partner (that I'm not sure I want)?

I don't know what's going on but the tears...they are a falling. 

I was trying to rationalize what's worse... to continue on this slow fade so I have some minor amusement for the summer or just cut this guy loose. I'll regret it and have negative feelings either way, so I'm really unclear.

I think Eternal Hope is going to choose Slow Fade because no contact eliminates Hope Forever. 

But Slow Fade is also a ton of pressure of making every interaction seem so high stakes.

And then I get an email from Apple that that email address apparently is tied to my phone. I had no idea! There goes my plan to delete that email address and accompanying Google Voice number.

I think I'll just stick with the Slow Fade until Summer is over (exact date TBD). And if I'm still struggling or anticipate a struggle, I'll get myself a ring. Or maybe I still get the ring now so that I can get used to wearing it. 

The chance of my summer romance extension being virtual is high. 

When I benchmark it against my 3 guardrails - financial, emotional, and physical.... Yes there is some risk to my physical health. It definitely will be a financial hit but nothing that will take me from millionaire to poverty because I'm not even a millionaire for starters. 

It's really, can I handle this level of emotional distress. Do I want it? The benefit is seeing it through and being so burned I'll be scarred for life that I never swim in this dating pool again. I might need that since I'm historically an All or Nothing girl. 

There is something else a personal blog affirmed for me. Someone was saying they don't plan their trips more than 1 week in advance. I'm sure they do it for the thrill of being early retirees and not having to plan. But for me, it's something I've been realizing about myself more and more. Anything from trips to hangs, I don't like to plan more than a day or two in advance. 

Like this work trip in about 2 to 3 weeks is already making me feel negative feelings. And the thought of spending 3 weeks with family is not conjuring up much in the way of happy. 

Even my Fantasy Trip to Seattle would leave end of July. It's not conjuring up negative feelings per se but a lot of anxiety if I actually booked anything now. I mean, I really would not have a reason to go unless the Fantasy came true and we were going to date (exclusively). I would settle for at least a committed fling but ideally would want to work on the relationship's emotional connection. Honestly, even the latter part of that sounds harrowing to me and it's my fantasy. I can't imagine bringing that up to someone. 

I think the fun part on both ends was the finiteness of our time together. 

Anyway, so I think I'm claiming that time frame for myself as well. Try not to plan things too far in advance. Like a week. Maybe 2 since working and that's just how it is sometimes. But yeah, any future trips I'm plotting, that's my guidance. I'll just have to pay the emotional tax which I was already doing but not fully vocalizing it or owning it. Just kind of thinking it was a quirk. Or something temporary. But nope, it's getting added to the list of things that make me Me. 

So many feelings

 Last night was a bit restless. It was a combination of boy and work and being in bed for 2 days straight.

Saturday I all but bought a ring for myself just to recommit to putting my needs first and loving myself and of course prioritizing my 3 tenets - financial, emotional, and physical safety/security/stability. (Also a reminder to myself and the world that I have been loved. I am someone who benefits from symbolism.)

So I'm all over the place.

Catfish Katie came out to try to see what the boy is doing.

Yes, friends, I decided to go against the advice of the committee members and accept breadcrumbs. Because in the past I gave up breadcrumbs in hope of loaves that never came. I want to see this through. 

He finally messaged Saturday night but I was too scared to check until Sunday. And I just checked my email per regular and he messaged again. Did I get it right? People really can be too busy? I don't know.

I just choose and or want to believe that this could work.

I spent much of the weekend fantasy planning a trip back out to Seattle. This was mostly to soothe my angst and fantasize. But now that there's a sliver of hope that it might be possible, I'm terrified!

Much of last night's sleeplessness was spent crafting the perfect response. Trying to use any available data to figure out the right amount to say. I've lost track of my goal here. Match his speed? Try to progress the relationship? I don't know!

Here are some things I was thinking:

Do I answer immediately?

What do I say?

Do I gush?

Do I answer professionally? Curtly? Cutely?

Do I flirt?

Do I tell him I've been thinking about him. That on Saturday, I very strongly wished he were the pile of covers on my bed. We haven't been very flirty via text or really at all. 

Do I just tell the truth about wanting to see him?

I had so many more thoughts keeping me up at night. Funny how they disappear in the morning. Does my body hate me?

I might still move forward with getting a ring. I still would like a reminder that I'm my first love and I have all these other people who loved me and committed to give me the best life possible. 

I think I'm going to get a sausage biscuit and call it a day. 

I just can't get there

 To ease my x feelings, I started plotting a trip back to Seattle. Then Porto. Since I'm going to be in DC in July, I felt like there was an opportunity there to take advantage of being near an international airport. 

I don't know, a $5k trip to Porto for about a month is on the table. So is a possible 2 month stint in Seattle, followed by a shared lease in Seattle, and a few other variations where I end up back in Seattle.

I keep trying to convince myself one way or the other but nothing sticks.

I don't know if I'm in acute distress or not. I really don't.

I tried convincing myself to stay put. I told myself when I look back at my 2 big life examples where I pushed against reality, that was evidently the problem. I didn't accept reality and I was praying for big outcomes. 

But do you need to pray for things that are probably going to happen anyway.

I don't know which of my life experiences I'm supposed to draw from to navigate this dating situation.

Now I'm thinking of my immigration experience. It was a thing that was supposed to happen, but I had to push it to get the outcome I wanted.

I told myself a minute ago to accept the reality. Markets are down - it's a better bargain to buy into those markets now and save travel for when things are normally priced and staffed. Self, I said, just focus on investing for the latter part of the year.

I was on board for maybe 3 minutes.

Then the thought of postponing even a minute of spending just made me feel sick.

Ugh. 

I was trying to tell myself to wait for age 40 to do whatever angsty travel I'm feeling like doing now. But then I think about my job and how disconnected from it I feel. 

I thought about how those last 3 months of 2021 were mentally tough and the year before had been almost life-altering. I thought about how many promises I made to myself to just get through the last 3 months of 2021 and then push through one last time for the first 3 months of 2022 and I would be done.

I don't want to break those promises to myself.

So many of my brains lie to me and get me mentally down. I don't want to do that here.

Financially getting back to Seattle or running away abroad doesn't make much sense but I still keep coming back to that.

This is the time to be shoveling money into my investments, but for whatever reason I've just lost the itch for aggressive savings. Don't get me wrong, I'm still maxing out my 401k for the year and sending a few bucks to after tax but other than that, I'm just kinda blah about the whole thing.

Even though work isn't the grind that it was, maybe I'm still associating my current role with my last role and just COVID and the general dark clouds of the last 2 to 7 years. 

Work has just been this thing to oppose that it has become the effigy of oppression even if it's not that way so much in reality.

It's weird because I don't want to do it long-term but I'm also slightly afraid of losing it. 

I'm tired of feeling so angsty about everything.

I need to do the exercise of what are the facts, what is reality, what do I want to do. 

Although I've been vacillating a bit, I can say I'm really, really proud of myself for storing my FIRE cash in CDs instead of in an index fund. At least right now I am.

I don't want to think about it.

I think I just can't spend too much time thinking about work. I start to get mixed feelings and I don't want to do anything drastic based on those feelings. 

Not gonna lie, stings a little

 While I didn't check email last night, I did self soothe a little. I found myself listening to some 90s jams until around 11p EST. No complaints.

I didn't know Beyonce had a Spanish album! I tried learning the Spanish version of "Irreplaceable." That was fun! 

I think I'm going to get a desk chair today.

My shoulder and wrist are starting to hurt again and I don't remember them being this achy. Maybe they were. 

The last text I got from the newest Slow Fade was Tuesday night. So that's Wed and Thurs with no contact. That stinks!

All the love songs from last night said all the feelings.

Of course I'm accepting breadcrumbs. Because let's be frank, I've blown away breadcrumbs in the past thinking a loaf of bread was coming. I guess you can guess the outcome there.

Oh well.

The more I try to resist holding out hope for dating, the more I want it.

So yes, last night I was plotting my next trip out to Seattle.

An old college roommate is going to be there the week after the work trip, so I figured I could go straight from DC to Seattle.

Then I thought, maybe I try actually living in Seattle for 6 to 9 months. I could rent a place, get my car there somehow and really live.

Like actually make some friends.

The more I socialize this idea of Death House being a home base, the more I like it. 

I can't tell if my last 2 trips to Seattle are progress which means I should keep trying or failures which mean I should give up. 

Basically whatever thing I decide to do, my Brain automatically wants to do the other thing.

So if I say, just stay put and settle into solo life, I immediately want to plan every trip possible. I convince myself I should not settle and should die trying to find love. I should travel, move to Seattle, move to Italy, Rome, the UK. I should take that trip to Spain/Portugal. I should do all the things.

Then I say okay, let's think about that trip to Seattle. I mean I have my old high school friend a few hours away. I have Seattle mom that I could purpose to visit once a month. Last night my mental planning got to - well which time of year would be ideal. I think I would be more motivated to go when it starts to get hot in NC. So either March 2023 or June 2023 at the turn of summer. I could stay 6 months. This way I'll be there for the Fall 2023 dream I had last year that God was actually going to intervene (ok, Wishful Brain). Or really just to be patient and it would take 2 years like it has in the past.

But even with that Brain is like, remember college and jobbing. All those applications and no results other than heartache. If I don't start harvesting my solo life now, then when? 

Is Seattle the boy I'm still trying 'to make love me.' You know the one that lost your hut number. But I think summer in Seattle is when everyone is traveling so it feels like a lot of missed opportunity. I was thinking of even having a job or some sort of summer camp role or some sort of background purpose so I don't lose my mind.

But that's just not reality. 

Hey, friend

 How was my day?

Got Mi Casita's again. I got it with shrimp again because it's simpler than asking for shredded chicken and risking getting fajita chicken. Yum!

Yesterday, I must have been really hungry because I ate the whole thing and usually I have leftovers.

I was feeling really good today after putting my document in review. So I went into my suitcase and got the 3 items to return. It's at least $45 back! 

When it would've been easier just to do nothing. Win!

That felt good.

So I treated myself to shrimp fajitas.

To pass a few minutes also stopped at the grocery and picked up some chips, cut fruit, popsicles, and cookies. Yum!

Got home and one of the project managers got a little impatient with me. Ew.  Oh well. Focus on the positive!

Started watching a Netflix movie but it was a boring rom-com so switched to Snowflake Mountain. It's playing in the background while I type this.

I went downstairs to get some chips and cookies as a dessert and show-snack food.

Oh! I ran some other personal errands today.

I activated 2 new cards as MERJ 2.0. That went smoothly once I calmed down. I bought 3 brokered CDs. It was 3 instead of 2 because one of them had a 3 count limit. 

I hesitated for a second because I wanted to churn that cash for a $300 bonus. But decided pscyhologically it was better just to keep FIRE money out of regular circulation. Plan is to hopefully buy more iBonds in Jan 2023. We shall see though. 

I was briefly tempted to buy some FZROX because the price is so low!! Oh well. Part of me is tired of thinking about FIRE.

So I gotta get back to set it and forget it. 

Not sure what that looks like.

I have to get back into doing my Roth in-plan conversions. It's less urgent since nothing is going up in price. 

I feel really good to be a bit ahead on my project.

I got pumped yesterday to try to go for a raise next year, but each day I try to take a step back from my current role to reflect and I realize it's an okay job. I don't really see myself progressing. As in like, I don't actively want to progress. Not that I'm not actually progressing. We shall see though. Sometimes these things happen passively. 

Sometimes I think I know more than I let on and other times I feel completely lost. 

I'm fine with riding this hazy wave.

I can't believe there are only 6 months left.

So yeah, those are the things I would have told a friend.

I have about 3 refunds pending on 3 different cards. I was thinking of how I would spend the credit balances down since all the credit cards are at $0 balance.  Then I remembered I could probably request a check or something. #easy

The other option was to try to spend it as MERJ 2.0 to try to get some credit history on her, but meh.  The only other big money move I need to make this month is to update my after tax 401k (moving it up) and just re-route some direct deposits.

Other than that, I've been trying to distance myself from dealing with money stuff, but there have been pretty regular changes since this year - tried to max out 401k; bought I bonds; tried to stabilize 401k contributions to limit too much excess cash; then tried to decrease 401k contributions to get more cash for vacations. 

I'm tired just thinking about it. Got TV to watch! 

1 day later

 I surprisingly made it a day without thinking about the boy too much. I didn't even anxiously check messages last night. Yay, me! It probably helped that I was entrenched in work all day. Got some fajitas and fell asleep for a few hours. 

I wanted to piddle around on the computer but my brain was too tired. 

Had trouble falling asleep later, but oh well. 

It's weird being back because I've quickly forgotten many of my routines. But I think with the extended daylight, I'm supposed to go to bed at 11p and maybe start wind-down or moving downstairs around 8 or 9p. Sometime after sunset when it's too dark to stay up here sounds about right.

I haven't felt much like going downstairs though. So I'll prob stay up here the next 2 days.

This Saturday, I have 3 events to choose from - Volunteering, Nature Walk, or Bowling. They all occur in or around the same time though. I think I'd rather do 2 things than 1, so I'll probably do the Nature Walk and Bowling vs Volunteering.

I don't know though, it might be too hot for the Nature Walk. Actually, it will be too hot. So who knows.

I think my July fantasy of spending some time in DC has died. It's just so funny how strongly you can feel something one day and not give 2 hoots the next day. Oh, Feelings, why are you so fickle. I really just prefer a more moderate range. Something reasonable. Working on it, I guess. 

Today, I feel like if I never hear from Boy again, I literally will be okay. I'm not even feeling strongly about deactivating anything. But gosh, Sunday, I just had to do something. How do I manage that! 

Yeah these emotional swings are not cute. I don't want that for my future life. 

Anyway, so in thinking about the trip to work to be onsite to meet great-grand-boss, I have a couple thoughts. First, I checked in with one of my coworkers just to get a feel for what everyone is doing. She's just planning to do a half day. Sweet! That's what I'm going to do too. Well since I'm going to take a train, I'll probably have to do a full day. But at least I can get away with just 1 day, I hope.

So since they're covering hotel and transportation, I think I'm just going to go up north for the 1 weekend, versus 3. Yay, I already feel better about that.

If my other co-workers is going to be in town... wait, I just peeped her calendar, and it looks like she'll be away.

Well that takes the fun out of it. 

I do kind of still want to go to the company picnic, so we shall see. 

So perhaps travel on Wed, but if I go to the picnic, I'll have to travel back on Sunday which I don't love because that's a weekend day pretty much dedicated to work. Boo. 

But I like this because this cuts down on time with my last 3 committee members. That's a win because historically, they have caused spikes in my emotional flow. And we don't want that. 

What else, did I tell you I saved $60 in Uber. I decided to take a "free" train to the airport. I'm so glad I did. I left an hour earlier than I would have had I taken Uber but it was okay. It all worked out and I got home 2 hours early. Only to come to find the Uber back to my house was twice the cost! So I think pre-scheduling the Uber does lock in the price it is at the time not the future price, which is interesting. 

I also need to lock my cards and activate my new cards for MERJ 2.0. I have not had much luck yet opening an online account for MERJ 2.0. I'm really kind of over submitting all my information online, so that might take a backseat for now. 

That's all the money stuff for now, gotta get some work done! 

I didn't order marbles

 Life is so much easier when you want for less. It just is. Less disappointment, less dashed hopes, less sadness. 

Just endure.

Early morning and late night always give me such good pithy sayings and outlooks on life. But dare I get up and it's all gone.

I think the latest thing I thought was about dating apps. It's one of those inventions I would've fully endorsed. The app to me should serve as a marketplace where you offer your goods and services to potential buyers. In theory, it should facilitate the process. But somehow, like humans do, we've made it more complicated. I guess it is very much like Amazon then. You know how you get on there thinking you finally narrowed down the thing you want, then they start suggesting other items, and you get lost in a rabbit hole? Or is that just me.

Well the analogy I was going to make was this. Online dating to me was like, I show up to this online marketplace and search and order papertowels, but I get a box of marbles shipped to me. And I'm like but... these aren't even close to the things I asked for or you said you would provide. What the actual heck!

Oh wait, then I remember I'm me

Maybe I was coming off the dating high or the trip high or a fresh nap. I got excited and wanted to continue my version of revenge traveling. My old boss was encouraging me and the other remote workers to come on site (a few states away) to meet great-grand-boss. It was an automatic yes in my mind. Work is also having a company picnic around that time. And when I looked, one of my cousins is having a baby shower as well. And then fourth of July is pretty much next weekend. So I imagined myself spending like 3 weeks of July in suburban DC.

Then I woke up this morning and remembered, oh yeah, 3 days is the tested and tried length of time to spend with family. Maybe all that Seattle friends and family nonsense was making me see my life through distorted lenses. 

There is a part of me that wants to escape of course, but 3 weeks at my aunt's house is not it. 

And I was thinking of taking the train up, but boy would that be inconvenient.

The best part of my last escape was being alone... but was it?

I don't know. I do feel a little bad about getting my aunt excited though. 

I think I was just looking for a distraction from Boy.

I've half-decided to call him my boyfriend since I'm not really interested in any more hurrahs after this slow fades to a halt.

Yes, friends, I decided to go along with the slow fade. It will definitely help keep the summer more interesting. 

I have angst to last me until July 4. And there's June gone. That's a win!

Some tweaks on recent events. I did send a long text after he sent a lazy text because I'm still treating this as a fantasy. And of course, he wanted to hear all the thoughts in my head. I had this carefully laid out response that I practiced and rehearsed.

But of course after I sent it, I was like that's too long. 

I'm happy he checked up on me at all and then acknowledged my long-winded text.

So I guess my focus will be to play into the slow fade. As opposed to fighting it. I put the onus on him to figure out where we're going to meet next. I do love giving up the pursuit.

And I gave him plenty of room to put communication on the back burner until he returns home. Yes, we're not in burning love with contact everyday. But oh well. You get what you get. 

Positive returns

I've loved letting the few bits of communication I had with committee members go to the wayside. No more long convos or check-ins. I'm on my way to solo life. One of the things I've been slowly practicing is not calling people out. It's almost a game of letting people have the final word and say. The women around me seem to crave it. I used to fight it - like why do you get to be right and have the final word and correct me and call me out on everything. But now that it's a game, I just get to silently laugh and pat myself on the back. When I just let it go, I don't have to spend quite as much time thinking of what I could or should have said. 

I love trying to find positive ways to say things. Again, when you view it as a game, it makes it more fun. 

I'm not interested in delving much deeper with people. Everyone is in therapy these days so it does seem like you have to walk on egg shells around people before they start calling out behaviors. I can't wait for the article in x years that we as a society undergo too much therapy. You know Americans, when we latch on to something, we over do it.

Although, I'm trying to forget that Seattle trip ever happened, I will say I do appreciate my simple existence. How exhausting it must be to have an opinion about everything! I declare. I love not having to be trendy or interesting. #ordinaryForLife

Sunday, 4p EST

 So I went outside and it did help to get out of my head a little. 

Some conversations with myself:

- Maybe instead of a second place life, it's a bronzed life. Instead of feeling like I was close to dreams, I can think bronzed place. All the people I beat out for a chance at this life.

- I can do this. 

- It's just back to normal life.

- I tried so hard for this big dream. I came. I spent my money. I spent my time.

- Is this even something I want?

How do I repackage this?

I'm sure in 10 years, I'll be back at it again.

Should I date girls?

If you squint your eyes a little, I'm making progress. It took me 10 years to get over the last dream deferred. I think 2 years for the one after that. And really, only 9 months for this love dream. 

Is there even a relationship I admire?

What would my love-life even look like?

If it's not the fantasy I imagine, then what am I crying for?

I don't think the science experiment of waiting 6 months for one of these dudes to pop back up is worth it. A) I don't think I could handle the emotional distress (which is misaligned with my 3 tenets of safety). B) It smells of Secret Love and The One. 

I have to move on. 

What does my life look like now?

I do still like the idea of going away for the summer. It's nostalgic of carefree adolescent times. It smells of new beginnings. But it's also a thing retirees do and FIRE people do as well.

It would need to be somewhere cooler. Which smells like Seattle or somewhere international. But I don't want to go alone anymore.

Should I text him when I'm at the airport: Come scoop me up and take me back home with you. 

I'm so tempted to stay. But I came back in hopes of  hanging with 2 dudes that seemed promising. This one didn't even message me. Is it because he's on vacation? No, dummy, it's because he doesn't want to. There are never any other reasons. 

I want to give him the benefit of the doubt but am I waiting to be a child star all over again. 

This dream is over. The data doesn't lie. 

I'm feeling very tempted to text them all. It will only hurt my feelings. 

I gotta clean break this. 

Alone and unrescued, June 2022 edition

 So yeah, it's 1p EST. I don't know what time it is PST because my other devices are not flashing the time right now.

I've been moping since Wednesday. That's more than 3 days, so I have to leave the house. No dates this weekend.

Surely, someone would hear my cry and rescue me.

It's so funny. I pray these prayers to God and always expect a response - to the point that I'll pray and check my email or phone. One of the pastors always advises to pray and expect a response. It's the expecting a response part that always brings me down.

It's why I don't really pray anymore.

I realized I haven't really been to church in over 10 years. Am I still Christian? I thought I was but maybe not.

I think part of why I strayed was because going to church filled me with such hope. And hope is what tears me down the most. I have to be okay with my life just as it is. 

I hate looking for an explanation or trying to work negative outcomes into gratitude. It got to the point that the last few times I visited church, I couldn't help but cry. All I could feel were fractured or untrue promises. 

In the end, I'm okay right. So why complain. So what do I need church for? I go, or don't go. And I'm still okay. 

So yes, I got out of bed to get the laptop to check the email. I was hoping someone would reach out. A boy. Any of the boys.

The last hope for my summer fling I guess is Monday or Tuesday. It's the perfect time for him to ask me if I made it home safely and to book his flight. Obviously if he was booking a flight, it wouldn't be at the last minute. I can't remember how long he's going to be gone anyway. 

I want to change my number so I can stop hoping and wishing. I want to get rid of the email address as well. 

I'm trying to hold out until the end of the year, but maybe it'll just be until June 30, or until I land back in NC. 

My next independence day is Jul 4. It'll be time for a fresh start. Back to MERJ 1.0. 

That'll be okay. 

Sweating to death in Death House seems fitting.

Yeah I guess I really did think, or hope, he would come visit me in NC at the end of his trip. But people don't make those plans at the last minute, do they? They do that now. 

And not after not contacting each other for a week. Oh well. Oh, reality, what a familiar foe, you are.

Well that solves that, doesn't it.

How do I get so caught up in the fantasy. Easy, it's a lot easier to manage than reality. 

I was hassled a bit by a black man when I went to the Mariner's game earlier this week. A group of guys was standing behind me in line. I kept wanting and waiting for them to step in and help. No one did. No one ever does. I couldn't help but wonder if it would've been different if I were skinny-white. 

The guy kept screaming, do you hate black men! 

One of the app guys kept talking about dreams and interests. But when he talked about his dreams and interests, they just seemed like goals and activities of daily living. But it really got me thinking about interview questions. I really still feel like I'm not answering them right.

So now that it's been a week and no word from Summer Fling and now that Reality is telling me he's not planning on booking a ticket when I get to NC, I felt comfortable with just closing down that number right when I get back. But Wishful Thinking me is saying obviously to message him just one more time. Because of my 0% success rate with that. 

I have to do the thing that's least distressing. There is no The One. So I have to protect myself because no one else is signing up for the job. Maybe Hopeful Brain is telling me, it'll be different when he gets back into town. He'll miss me for sure and message me. There is a part of me that wants to know. But Reality says what?

Well technically, there is a history of app guys popping back up on the app. None have ever contacted me by phone though.

Do I wait around for the pop-up? Or just cut my losses. Right now, who has my information - 4 dudes. It's an interesting theory. I love a good science experiment. 

I'm not okay, crying again

 I came to Seattle the first time to stop crying. Now I'm crying and I'm ready to leave.

I've tried all the tricks to distract myself. I'm stuffed and bored of reality TV. 

I haven't gone on a walk maybe that will help.

I'm sad and I'm struggling. 

Why do people keep forgetting about me?

When do I get to have someone to love just me that I don't have to share.

Maybe never.

When do I stop wanting it then.

Do I try to make myself feel better or do I just count down the days until I get to leave. 

I regret ever joining dating apps. It's brought me nothing but heartache.

I drank the love Kool-Aid and it turned out to be toilet bowl cleaner.

It's 7p PST on Saturday. 

3 days left in Seattle and lots of feelings

 My default ways of dealing with distress is to remove and prevent. I want to remove whatever is causing the distress or myself if the situation is bigger than me. And figure out what I can put in place to never feel this way again. 

And then when all else fails, I accept it and dial down my hope and expectations. 

We already know by the time I moved into Death house all hope and expectations was at the last tick on the dial. By the sheer fact that I live, there is implicit hope. So hope is never completely dialed off because that would be suicide. 

We're not there yet.

I have to at least make an attempt to blow all my money first. Duh. So there's that. Thanks, FIRE. 

Some new feelings:

- I don't think I came to Seattle looking for love. But hope for love I did. I wanted a summer fling so I did the things and I got the fling. I hoped it would turn into a forever love, and it didn't. I'm trying to just enjoy the memories of the fling, but for some reason I can only focus on the lack of forever love.

I'm mostly confused on what to do next.

Am I still holding on to (and rebuking) this idea I had that God would provide me someone in Fall 2023. I don't believe that as strongly as I did Fall 2021. I can barely remember Fall 2021.

I think when I looked at things I'd relentlessly pursued with negative outcomes, in the end after 2 years I got the outcome without any of my efforts.  The two things that stick out are undergrad and getting a big girl job (out of the call center). 

They both required a lot of applications and negative outcomes. Close but never quite there. 

For undergrad, I really just had to wait for my status to be adjusted so I could afford what college I did get into. But the twist was - I probably should have just gone straight from community college into health sciences and stayed in suburban DC instead of the 10 year detour I took. 

For big girl job, I applied to over 100 jobs and ended up right back at a call center broken hearted and in Death House. Then one day a colleague referred me to a job and I eventually got it. This was like 18 months later. The twist was - they worked me to the bone and my 100 applications got me nowhere but defeated. But it's hard to say if that was a bad outcome because those extra dollars over the last 2 years really accelerated my FIRE journey, so I don't know if I should have quit looking or not. 

Now with dating, I'm trying to apply lessons learned here. I can't really tell if I'm getting closer to my goal or not. Do I take a break or keep going? I think the timing just isn't adding up for me. 

I just really want to have fun these last 2 years of pre-retirement. This is when I can more freely spend. But if I take a look around, maybe I need to be more flexible to the reality of the world around me. I am a little burned out from aggressively saving, though. And I do realistically think my time in the workforce is coming to an end. And really, part of what keeps me going is knowing that I am exiting the workforce soon.

So putting a delay on dating just feels akin to putting a delay on dating forever.

FIRE is always the priority unfortunately. It provides me the security and stability I definitely need because I can't rely on anyone else on Earth. 

So that's what I'm trying to decide here.

Do I forget about dating? Do I focus on saving?

Do I come back to Seattle? Do I go to other states? Other countries?

Let me open my eyes and see what makes sense? Lately, asking myself what I want to do has also been helpful? What is the outcome I want?

I want to fall in love and live happily ever after. Maybe I need to flesh that out some more and get a thematic version of what I hope to accomplish. 

I know I don't want to travel alone anymore. I spent the last 40 years doing a bunch of stuff alone, ok not 40, but definitely the last 7.

I don't want to do anything else (that costs money) alone anymore. Before it was all I wanted. But now I want a little bit more. The thought of a long distance relationship appeals to me because I can ease into it. You get the closeness of having someone to call without having to physically be around them all the time. Without having to be on and available. I know myself enough to know that as much as I want to be happy with a partner there has always been a part of me that would likely keep them at arm's length (probably for a long time). 

So what I want doesn't seem to jive with reality. I can't make people love me no matter how hard I tried.

So what is Option B?

I think just staying put and enjoying the down market. 

I keep forcing things. 

I do have this thought of coming back here next summer and maybe enjoying the summer. While 70s may be hotter than I like, it's certainly better than 90s or 100s in NC. So maybe staying 3 months. 

But then the thought is, will I still want to do that if dating was off the table?

Do I want to do more stuff in the community? Make actual friends? I don't know.

Then I watch whatever latest reality show and living abroad for that same length of time also sounds exciting. 

So am I resigned to another hot, sweaty summer in the Death Cabin with all its creatures. Ugh.

And maybe I loosen the budget reins a bit. Maybe I enjoy that $30k/yr spend a bit more. 

Do I take a regular vacation this fall? But what am I escaping too?

While I'd like to think there's no timeline and I have all the time and money in the world, those things just aren't true.

I am constrained a bit by finances and time. 

I won't doom myself to any rest of life plans. So maybe just the next quarter if I must.

So for Quarter 3 (July, Aug, Sep 2022), what's next?

Brainstorming:

- Work

- Eat McDs

- Watch TV

Save some money? Invest in down market? Invest in brokerage or just 401k?

Am I going anywhere?

Do I come back to Seattle?

Probably not going anywhere.

Do I get the ceiling fans? Meh. 

Upping 401k just seems so passive. I need to feel like I'm actively doing something with the extra money - either saving it or spending it. 

I think for starters and to minimize distress, it will be easier to just up my 401k contributions so that there's less actual money to deal with from my net pay. #easychoice

The other problem with getting off the dating apps is that there's no reason my brain is going to let me get back on after a year. That won't make any darn sense.

It's sad to think, what if I had desperately wanted a family or to be a mom. It sucks that that wasn't even an option. I hate that I have to be happy with what I get and can't want more. But the privilege is this is the price you pay to get to live in America.

You get some physical security and opportunities for financial stability but you risk emotional support in terms of romantic love. 

But maybe that's not even true - just my options are limited because I'm not the standard of beauty. Why am I having so much trouble bonding with my extended family. 

I think I just want to start over and there's too much history there. 

Maybe I let go of the notion of leaving Death House and NC for starters. Maybe?

Maybe I let go of big dreams.

It's just sad to give up on love. I know enough to know I'm not the kind of person that "good" things just happen to. I have to plan, be prepared, and be open to it. 

If I get off the dating apps, I'll never find love. My prayers didn't work. My life didn't work. And the prayers of my praying family members didn't work. 

So is MERJ 2.0 a woman who lives life solo forever. And the hope meter turned off. What a sad story. 

So maybe for Q3, part of that vacation money I allotted for the next 6 months can go to taxable brokerage. I know I'll need to fiddle with something. 

Actually, maybe that's exactly what I'll do. I'll divert that vacation money right at payroll that way I don't have to have the discussion. So it'll go directly to the Extra Cushion pot and I can decide to use it on a vacation (not) or to invest. And for Q3, it'll give me the option to invest while I come to terms with another hot summer in Death Cabin. Yay. 

I love that idea already. Yay, thanks, Logical Brain!

So Q3...

Nothing.

Financial:

- Up after tax

- Separate direct deposit into 2 buckets: Reg Expenses ($1.5k/pp) + Extra Cushion (balance)

Physical:

- Stay cool indoors.

- Get your rest. Do your work. Eat your food. Watch your tv. No real goals here. Minimize risk in all choices. 

- Also, I think I'm saving myself for marriage/love moving forward. It's too much risk to physical (and emotional) health otherwise. No pressure, but this is best, especially if I'm moving forward with this framework. I just read an article that said 97% of guys surveyed will sleep with a stranger so it means nothing to them. 

Emotional:

- Just keep swimming. 

- Table apps and dating for now.

- Practice solo-life. 

Hmmm... is there anything I can do with the rule of 3 here?

Like with the job applications, I definitely should have stopped after 3 applications, or three phone screens or even 3 interviews. But I didn't. I just kept using that to fuel my fire.

Maybe with undergrad, I should have stopped after 3 applications or 3 scholarship applications. It's just hard to know when to stop.

I've been on the apps more than 3 days, 3 weeks, 3 times. I've tried at least 3 apps. I've tried more than 3 cities.

I've gone on more than 3 dates. 

I've connected with at least 3 guys I'd say right? 

So yeah, maybe I gave Seattle the good ole try.

There is no One, so it doesn't matter either way.

I came. I did the thing. I'm leaving. 

I'm the only grader here. There's no real ballot taker or poll taker. I determine the outcomes here. I place the value judgement.

Do I call it now?

 So yeah, I've been down pretty much all week. I tried to distract myself but I can't help but be anxious every time my phone buzzes.

When do I get off this dating merry go round? Why do I keep playing a game with no rules.

Do I try a new city? Or do I come back to Seattle?

Do I even want this or do I think I should?

Am I too basic for Seattle?

I was hoping the cost I've spent this year chasing this disguised dream would shock me but it didn't. I think because I'm surrounded by spenders. 

I don't really want to go home but I can't stay here.

I have 3 days left. Weird!!

I can't believe I did it. I came and I stayed!

And I had a summer romance!! Let's just rewrite history.

Now I get to putz around.

I do admire all these dudes and their ability to make friends and community. 

Do I over complicate things?

Oh well.

I'm still torn with trying to save more. I look at my dwindling balances and I think I should be buying into this market, but I can't seem to be bothered much more than that.

I'll get one more fat paycheck and maybe after shoring up my checking and savings, I'll have about $1k to throw in my taxable brokerage. After that, I think I'll bring my 401k contributions back up (from 6% to 18%).

Ideally I want to get some laundry done and tidy up this place for my Monday departure... but we shall see. 

 

Back to reality, I guess

 I've deleted the contact info and messages of all the app guys I met off the app. I went on my final date last night. I was so ready to be done yesterday, but after a good breakfast, I'm not so sure.

While dating has been exhausting and ultimately I'm leaving empty handed, it wasn't all bad. Earlier, I'd assessed that Seattle is a good stopping place, a good destination spot, but perhaps not a good forever spot for me.

On the financial front, all the dudes I dated had good stable jobs. Check!

All were educated. Check!

All were progressive and liked the outdoors. Double check!

In the end it was me who was like this is way too much conversation and wokeness. I just want to eat chips and watch tv. 

But obviously, that's not completely true because that's what I've been doing for the last 2 to 7 years, and here I am. 

I don't really want to go back, but I don't really want to stay either. I don't have a reason to stay or go back, really. I think that's what sucks.

I'm impressed with the dudes I've met and their lovely friend groups. I don't even have that. I certainly made no effort to make girl friends out here.

Oh well.

I came and I saw. 

I don't think coming back is outside the realm of possibility, but I don't know what I'd be doing. Better to leave on a good note than to taint the memory.

So yes, in a moment of weakness, I reached back out to the Mormon. I think that's the third reach out, so definitely in stalker territory. I thought it would feel good just to get it out of the way, but it verifiably does not. Oh well.

I've all but paid off the vacation credit card, so that's amazing. And I didn't even have to wait for my Jun 30 check. And I was able to pay back the house fund. I can't believe I only have four days left! Wow.

How do guys have so much self-control!

Wow.

If I ever date again, the lessons learned are to never, ever pursue. You have to suffer through the silence, but the tradeoff is you never have to wonder if you need to make a move. They're not waiting for you to make a move.

I've been self-soothing. I really am alone. I missed wishing a cousin happy birthday.  Meh, I just decided against it. 

So yeah I guess the next 0-20 years is just me, myself, and I. 

I haven't even talked to my work colleague/ committee member in about 2 weeks.

And I'm okay.

I could get used to this. 

Oh and so far I at least have a temporary credit for the ZadehKicks purchase, so that's a blessing.

So this is really MERJ 2.0 (or at least 1.5). I think I'm gracing myself with the full 2 year grace period to transition out of MERJ 1.0 and all her less than optimal habits. Where will I go next? What is the theme of my life?

Just keep swimming I guess. 

6/14, 8a EST - Spiraling just a bit

 So you had to know it was coming. It was way too quiet up there.

Spiraling just a bit last night. I was good for most of the day, mostly because I was tired. Then at night, that intense feeling of hopelessness started to creep back in. I don't even know what I'm feeling so down about.

I don't actually feel rejected. Preliminarily, maybe I'm thinking gosh I came so close to happily ever after. I don't know.

I don't even think it would work long-distance with the lecturer, but you know this girl can dream.

Although, I'm excited to go home and eat chips and watch TV and get out of limbo, I'm also not looking forward to all that home entails.

I think it was a good trip. It was a good amount of time. Honestly, outside of the lecturer, it would have been a bunch of dud dates. I probably would have been ready to go a long time ago.

I'm confused still on what the universe was trying to tell me when I had all the issues trying to come a week earlier. I just hope I don't find out.

So yeah, I was mass messaging app dudes last night like a bandit. I was trying to fondle some of my money moves. 

I just wanted some semblance of control of outcomes. 

I had weird dreams about crushes from undergrad.

Yeah, all the things.

Jun 12 Check-In: Summer Romance Vibes and maybe some money stuff

 I have been in La La land, and it's been awesome!

I had my summer romance that I was too pragmatic to even hope for. And even with that, I went on 3 dates this week.

We saw each other Thursday, Friday, and Saturday and it was awesome.

Sure, he didn't confess his undying love for me or make plans to see me again after his or my trip. But that's okay! 

As long as there are no long term negative side effects, I think it was a great experience.

Honestly, since the day we met, everything about it was a Resounding No, but I just decided to go along with it.

He's a self-proclaimed "Atheist Jew." He talks a lot and has an opinion about literally every thing. He never told me I was pretty and obviously self-pleasures a lot.

But then he offers me the last shrimp. Tries to think of fun things to do that I might enjoy. He buys me a metal straw. Tells me I remind him of his grandma (in a sweet way). He gives me hugs when I ask for them. He made me dinner and breakfast. He orders for me. He buys dinner. He holds me close when we walk by homeless people. And he's overall nice and wants to spend time with me - the things I asked for.

I don't want to say anything else about it. 

Money wise. 

I keep feeling a tad bit of is there anything I could be doing better to put more money in the down market.  I think right now, I've spent between $20-22k already for about the first 6 months of the year.

So I could be at around $40k/yr.

I don't know what else to do about it.

I'm trying to wait until June 30 because a little bit of time will have passed since my big summer Seattle trip. It's funny how hard it is to focus on finances right now.

I'm glad I auto-invest and auto-save for the most part. For moments like these, when I have other things to think about, my money is on auto-pilot.

On a quick glance though, I still am a little cash poor. And for the most part, I think I'm functioning as though the FIRE pot isn't there for everyday living. I'm just trying to manage with my Regular Checking and Savings. I think that's a good default strategy for now. 

A Summer Romance

 It came true! Your girl had a summer romance. I think I landed Thursday night and we met up Saturday night. And we've been seeing each other twice a week since then.

He goes out of town this weekend and I leave the weekend after, and up until now, it's been awesome!

I just wanted to document that before the darkness comes back.

I had my Seattle romance!

He wined and dined me. He got me a silly gift and made me breakfast and dinner. He held my hand and kissed me and snuggled me.

All the things!!

Something good happened. To me!