New Life Plan

 It's 8:33p and I feel a little bit better than I did this morning.

But to cope of course, I have to adjust my life plan just a little bit. 

I'm obviously running out of resolve and resilience for this job and work in general, hence this journey. I put too much stock in what this big fancy job was going to bring me. 

I was afraid of saying my true goals because I know the Devil is just around the corner, but I'm saying it anyway.

New Life Plan

Step 1: Retire by 39 or 40

- Reach FIRE 500 by Dec 2022 (age 38)

- Stay until March 2023 (age 39) for Bonus Day (because why not)

- Optional: work one more year up to Bonus Day/ March 2024 (age 40)

Step 2: Early Retirement

Be early retired for 10 years

(age 39/40 to age 50)

Step 3: Figure out what's next

Notes:

I originally wanted to enjoy retirement for at least twice as long as I worked. But if I'm rounding up to 40, that means I worked from 31 to 40, which is about 9 years. I don't see myself living another 20 years. That's just too much. 

So I think 10 years will just have to be fine. 

I was originally concerned that by speaking my goals out they weren't going to work out because that's what usually happens.  It'll probably happen here too.

But the way I see it, if the stock market crashes, I would hope to have at least enough to get me through The Final Countdown. That's always the back-up plan. I think that's what that extra year is for. If something untoward happens, I'm building in 1 more year.  I'm sure something other than the stock market crash will happen - I'm just lucky that way! But for now that was my chief concern with publishing my true goals. 

Ideally whatever the catastrophe, I'd get back to $250k and initiate The Final Countdown.

If not, I think I'm just marking 40 as the cutoff, just to make it a manageable goal. I'll see where I am at age 39 and start making plans for where I might be at 40. Whatever my financial number is, I'll either do the 4% rule or divide in a way to make some version of early retirement happens. 

I don't have many more days where I can feel this down and still get back up.

I think even though my boss will never say it, I feel like I let her down. The only thing I'm good at is exceeding expectations. This mediocrity after trying to excel is just so foreign to me, I literally don't know how to sit with it peacefully. It is in these moments that I wish I had never left Call Center #1. I wish I had never wanted more. 

Tomorrow is pay day, so I'm trying to look forward to that. 

I started prepping for the interview that I have on Tuesday, so that's something. 

I feel ever so slightly more convicted to keep my head down and MIND MY BUSINESS in my current role.

How can I talk about and disparage My Buddy when I'm literally no better than her. This is why you shouldn't judge people and why you should MIND YOUR BUSINESS. #kettleblack for days!

Woosa! Yes, I do feel a little bit better. Purge that out of me and onto the web-iverse. 

I gotta keep swimming just a little bit longer.

And I gotta keep my head down.

And I gotta try to enjoy the ride a little bit. I want this to be my gear up to early retirement. 

Also, note to self, I'm not leaving the Death House. So I can deal with the leak tomorrow, the next day or in 10 years. It really doesn't matter. For now, I'm burying my head in the sand and just using 1 of the other 2 bathrooms.

Oh, the last thing I read on the internet that really resonated with me was this - sometimes we hope sheer hard work turns the hamster wheel into a ladder. Sometimes it's just a hamster wheel.

I was churning that hamster wheel and now I'm out of breath. My wheel was just a wheel. 

Another Cry for No Reason

 I give up.

I don't even no where to start.

At this point, I think my boss is doing the thing I was actually hired to do. Now I feel foolish for wanting or even expecting to be paid more. Truth be told, I still half expect it. She postponed our roles and responsibilities meeting for 2 weeks. In magic fairyland, this is of course to ask her boss to give me the role and salary I casually mentioned. Ha!

I guess I'm just convinced the things she's saying about other people who sort of share this role with me, she's now saying about me to other people. I.e., they're not where they need to be. 

Except I didn't know I was supposed to be doing this part of it. I thought the Brand team would give us a finished product to manage not a half-finished product for us to plug in holes. 

So now she's doing it. Am I supposed to be doing it? She would never tell me. 

Again, if I'm not excelling here, then what am I doing here?

And I think everytime she lumps me in with My Buddy, it affirms for me that I'm worthless to her because I don't think that girl does anything. Again in my opinion.

Like I need a qualifier on my own blog.

I think this wet spot on the ceiling is just too much to manage. I made 3 phone calls yesterday. Roto-Rooter came out and charged me $200 to not fix a problem. I don't even want to try flushing because what he thought was the issue wasn't but I still had to pay. I wish I'd had the good sense to ask if I had to pay if what they thought was going to be there wasn't.

It's funny because for a second there, I was stressing about finding a cheaper place to live without these homeowner surprises. Then I rub my tongue over my gross gold tooth and look around at my cheaphouse and remember my destination. This is the end stage of my life and this is the house I die in. It doesn't get any better. 

I have half a mind not to even trouble myself with the toilet anymore. I have 2 other ones that work fine for now. 

I'm at least going to postpone until after the 4th. Or at least try to anyway.

My Buddy actually sent me 2 messages about the roles and responsibilities. Really? And all the messages I sent needing help with Knowledge.

I just bit my tongue and decided to Mind My Business. I said it was great and I'm fine with whatever. Ha!

I think the next launch as much as I'm refusing it is wholly on my plate. I'm just mad because it's not great work. 

I have the interview for Clinical Writer next Tuesday! I want so much to be happy and look forward to it, but my interview track record is so terrible all I can think to do is cancel it. Not cancelling it means I'm hoping my life gets better. And that's not a place I want to find myself. 

But maybe I need it to go terribly so I can feel more stuck in this place. 

Being the super competitive person I am and a little uncertain if I was up against anyone, I tried to check the calendar of one of the hiring managers and I didn't see any other interviews on her calendar for the next 2 weeks. So, maybe I'm the only one!

Well, I thought I was a shoe-in the first time I tried to leave Call Center #1 and look where that landed me - a tailspin of regret. 

Luckily or unluckily, I still have the presentation from my failed Med Info interview. 

Am I ready for a 3 hour interview? No!

Should I get my hair done? Should I wear a suit? Do I even know where my suit is?

I need to calm down and not be so sad. 

This Week's Thoughts and Expenses

As with just about every weekend since I started my financial independence journey in 2018, I have nothing else to do so I binge read blogs and pore over my finances in one way or another. This morning was no different.

It's a huge win because I didn't do any work! 

I did make a list of things to do when I do go back to work, but as of 4:45pm, I didn't even check my work email.

We'll see because I'm on my work laptop, but I'm proud of myself, that's pretty much a whole business day!

First, this week I started formally tracking my working hours.

I've been mentally tracking my hours just as loooooong days, and in periods of concentrated work days/weeks, I'll do back of the napkin calculations just to try to persuade myself to work normal hours. However, this time I wrote it down in my brand new planner!

Work hours goal for Not Bummer Summer: 24 to 28 hours.

This is based on not being paid for nights and weekend and working seemingly non-stop since I started in Jun 2020. This was compounded by a weak bonus score and my boss telling me that my salary ask of $140k was NOT POSSIBLE. 

Anyway, by my estimations, I worked 36 hours Mon-Fri this week!

THIS IS AWESOME!!

I had to log-in at odd hours this week which made me grumpy, but I just counted the times I was actively at the computer doing work stuff. 

I can't count the mental hours and the not sleeping, but that's okay. And I didn't count the optional work time... actually that was an oversight. I forgot I worked on a presentation on Thursday night. 

So I guess I was closer to 40 hours than I thought. Baby steps. 

I actually used the Zebra to casually see if my home insurance is as outrageous as I think it is. They quoted premiums between $600-$800 which is within my range. So that helps alleviate some of that concern.

I've really been trying not to check my finances so much, but golly gee, it's tough!

Work is just such an emotional roller coaster.

I never really feel like I know what I'm supposed to be doing or HOW I'm doing performance wise. I mean my boss always says things are great, but she says that about everyone and everything. 

I will report that in a moment of impulse (after stewing on it a few nights), I asked for a new role (with an implied higher salary) and said my goal would be to be Associate Director by Jun 2022. 

She didn't respond.

Then our Roles and Responsibilities meeting got pushed back 2 weeks. 

Outcome #1: It's a true scheduling conflict

Outcome #2: She's running my suggestion up the ladder? Can you imagine?! 

I don't necessarily want the responsibility as much as I want to be compensated for the work I feel I'm actually doing and the contributions I feel like I'm making.

I'm feeling some level of burnout more with the chaos than anything. 

Surprise, surprise My Buddy actually filled out the Roles and Responsibilities chart. LIKE FOR REAL SURPRISE! 

I was mildly offended that for my primary responsibility, she listed my Boss  as a co-owner of the process. Rude. It made me wonder what my Boss says to her about me and the program I'm in charge of. 

I guess it's a kettleblack situation because I definitely try to subtly point out that I don't think My Buddy is contributing the way I would like her to. 

I NEED TO STOP DOING THAT.

But I guess it's not a kettleblack situation because my Boss NEVER badmouths My Buddy. I mean NEVER. Which is what I find the most confusing. I think every time she lumps us together it makes me think she thinks I don't do anything because I think My Buddy doesn't do anything. 

Anyway, so that was work.

A lot of running around.

A lot of feelings.

But I'm slowing chipping away at at least working summer hours. 

My background Summer Schedule Goals: 

Mon - Th: 9a to 3p

Fri: 9a to 1p

I think all that's left for me to untangle is how much work and effort I'm really going to put forth. I know I physically can't keep running around picking up rain drops. That's just not worth the effort. 

It literally doesn't pay off. 

And I'm so tired that when I need the energy to do my actual projects, I feel like I'm too tired from all the running around to give it 120%.

So as for the Roles and Responsibilities chart, so far it's not really the outcome I wanted, but I know my Boss is going to go for it. So I think I really just got to bite my tongue, get through the next launch, and lay low. I'm tired. 

I have to untangle my feelings and just focus on getting my paycheck and reaching my FIRE goals. 

It's like the girls that want to get married and realize nothing really different happens in their life. I thought having this job would maybe provide some sort of fulfillment or purpose? I think I just really wanted to be good at it, but I'm just not. 

I only wish I could be a candidate for 1 More Year Syndrome. But it's mostly just a countdown. 

So I think emotionally over the next two weeks just gotta brace myself for an undesirable outcome with the Roles and Responsibilities. Just try to become less emotionally invested in this job and my relationship with my boss overall.

This is what I do when I can't control outcomes. I just have to detach. I was sheltered in place before it was trending. 

I just have to make it to FIRE. My greatest fear is some market downturn that will make this a 10 year goal. 

I feel like there's a message in here for me that I'm not seeing. 

Just get through my launch... which is the next 6 weeks... then it'll be fall and then Christmas. I can do this! I can do this, I can do this. 

Other than that, I've been watching Pillow Talk: Happily Ever After.

I guess my Summer Snack Spending continues. 

I'm going to get get 3 kinds of chips and some kind of snacky chicken once I get off this thing.

I also want some grape soda. 

Oh, expenses. Let's see how this week and month have been!

I blame A Purple Life. I saw that her net worth hit an all time high of $700k this week after not working for the last 8 months or so from ~$500k. 

I'm due for a Q2 check-in, anyway, so this is just a sneak peek :)

Well that was a fail. Mint wouldn't load this week's transactions. 

But then a few minutes later after a few more log-ins, we got this!

That's actually my Variable spending for the month. Recurring Bills comes from a different account that was refusing to load. 

Actually this exercise was good because those $47 dollars of Misc Expenses had been lumped into Groceries and I looked like was over my loose target monthly spend of $200 or less/mon on Food. I have extra in my account that I consider my allowance, so if I really wanted these chips I could get them. However, I know I need to rein in my Food Spending a bit because I have not been very cost-efficient. This is why my Food Budget is pretty generous at $200/mon. I like a lot of reasonable wiggle room because I like buying whatever I want here. There's nothing more satisfying than opening a fresh pack of a convenience food :)

Anyway, being so close to the target spend for the month kind of took the fun out of it, but it was good toreallocate the money because about $50 was on incidental supplies for the house that weren't edible - like paper goods, bug spray... oh I probably should've put that in the Home Supplies category, but oh well. Actually speaking of which... some of that bug spray I bought at Food Lion qualifies here too. Yes, I have 3 cans of bug spray at this point. Let me go re-do even more categories. 

Anyway, that's what my variable spending looks like for June so far. We are almost halfway through this COVID year!

I guess it's Father's Day and my usual Sunday grumbles

 Operation Not Bummer Summer not off to a great start. I checked my work email at least a dozen times. I even sent 2 emails and looked at 1 report. 

I think I kept waiting for my boss to respond to my animated video because it was soooooooooo good. It didn't happen. Then I remembered it was Father's Day and she is really close to her family.

I felt lots of pangs of jealousy. I've been encountering a few people in their 90s - why couldn't that have been my aunt. 

A co-worker has about half of what I have saved without scrimping and saving. Man having a big salary really helps. 

Boo.

What is next for me? Honestly. I am trying to set a goal of getting out of the house at least 2x a week. I was hoping it wouldn't just be food/grocery runs or errands, but it might just have to do.

I woke up and it was cool enough to take a walk but I just didn't want to. How do I change that?

I was thinking about work situation. Here are the options I see

1- Keep working nights and weekends for free (default)

2- Keep working at working only the 40 hours a week for this pay (work in progress)

3 -  Keep working nights and weekends AND Create and suggest a senior program manager role that basically repackages my role +/- a little bit more  AND get paid $150k (??)

If I do add a little bit more work, I definitely want to move closer to $150k. 

I guess I'm thinking, I'm having no luck cutting back on work or my incessant need to make things better, so why not get paid for it. The only thing I think with creating a new role is I would feel the need to add more responsibility. But really, I'm just trying to get paid more appropriately for what I already do. 

Liberation Song - I'm Officially Done Working Nights and Weekend

 After 1 year of doing all the things the internet said to do (and a lot they didn't), I'm calling it quits on the churn. I was allegedly done after that whack Bonus Day. Then after my salary increase request seemingly went unanswered. Then again after I was left to create and deliver a 5 -week training at the last minute. And lest not forget the 300 articles I had to updated with just a casual nod. 

But I kept churning. 

No more!

No more, I tell ya, no more!

My brain is tired. My shoulder hurts constantly. My buns hurt. I feel like a crumpled ball of a human.

These training decks that I had to update. After 100 people already updated. After the Dinosaur said she would do it - then pulled in a ton more people. And I had to end up reviewing it twice.

So that saved me literally nothing and compounded the frustration.

But hey maybe that's what I needed.

I got distracted writing this post and have since lost my righteous indignation. 

Basically it's time for another year of a Not Bummer Summer!

Spendy Summer Friday Everyday!

 Well my food spending is clearly not on the decline. Bought a whole bunch of takeout last weekend. Did a couple grocery store runs this week for convenience foods. My kitchen is a hot mess so there will likely be no cooking done there anytime soon.

I wish I would clean it for summer though. I realized I missed mango season. I pretty much gave up going to 2 of the nearby Walmarts since I moved here because of the crowds and the inconsistent stock. And they generally had tasty mangoes.  And the Food Lion isn't that great for the produce I like, so I've been buying their cut cantaloupe which is like $3 a pop. 

Today was one of those days. I didn't have to do much work after my first meeting, so I lounged around till 4p then decided to get some chicken wings and ended up with chicken wings, pizza dough (in this hot heat!), cut cantaloupe, and chips. 

Oh well, at least we know I won't have trouble spending when I reach FIRE.

Since my boss said there's no chance of increasing my salary in my current role, I feel wayyyyyyyyyyyy less motivated to churn. 

Which perhaps contributed to my idea of Summer Friday everyday. I'm going to stop churning after 3p until Sep 1! And on Fridays, one of our big bosses already declared no meetings after 1p. So, that will be the real Summer Friday. Plus, I anticipate people taking lots of half days and days off, so I am really hoping work slows down. 

Plus it'll be a fun adventure to see just how far I can take this. 

Summer Friday everyday! 

I'm hoping this will help me be less hateful and try to enjoy some aspects of this job. 

Daily, I'm finding more and more minutia to let go. I really would like to lean into the no call-out culture and just take a step back from that petty way of thinking! I obviously can't be that trusting, but I can embrace that part of the work culture a little bit. 

I still have a potential To-Do List of work items for the weekend that my brain won't let go of, so we'll see. 

Happily, a video my boss wanted me to create that I tried to punt to the vendor ended up being postponed anyway. So I'm soooooooooooooo glad I didn't spend any wasteful nights on it!! I technically did try to create an animated video but realized what a daunting task that would be and quit after the first slide.

Part of me is kind of curious if I can make an animated video just for funsies, so the jury is still out there. I know it'll impress my boss, but now I also know impressing my boss does not lead to impressive compensation, so it's a bit of null situation. 

I woke up a little teary

 It's father's day and my brother's birthday this weekend. Both people I don't think about regularly, but somehow the realization that it's my first father's day without a dad makes me sad. 

I was missing my aunt, maybe?

A co-worker randomly starting singing that Ain't No Sunshine song. What was that about?

I don't get work. I'm just going to blame my mood swings on that. Ha. 

I'm tired and I don't want to do anymore work. There I said it. 

Is this burnout?

There's a couple things I have to do today but I feel the pull of procrastination where normally I was the gunner trying to get stuff done before others. 

There's a couple meetings last week that I usually didn't dare miss, but I'm all meeting-ed out. I don't want to run another report or discover another issue. 

I'm feeling overwhelmed and this is the least amount of work I've had to do. 

I was already planning on taking a half-day but even that seems too long.

I just can't form anymore thoughts. 

I don't want to look up anything else. I don't want to chase anyone else down.

I used to dread the weekends because I didn't have anything to do, but now I'm tired. 

After our morning huddle, I might be done for today. 

Was I Ever Happy?

 I spent a few minutes in my car just being sad. I teared up a bit and listened to a few tracks on an old Rent soundtrack. 

The last two days I pretty much worked 8 hours or less, so that's been good.

Today we had a Q2 check-in, and my boss actually brought up the salary email I sent. I forgot I'd said we could talk about it for our Q2 check-in. Whoops. I guess I thought she'd respond right away - one way or the other.

I had negative thoughts about her for no reason. More reason for me to really let go of some of my hang-ups and trust her process. 

Le sigh. 

Seeing her so happy with her family and all their comings and goings I think made me sad. 

Was I ever that happy? 

It just made me feel like an outsider I guess. I really wanted to be a part of her inner fold. But how foolish was that. 

She was gushing about her kids. And two of her favorite co-workers.  I wonder if she ever talks about me to other people. 

I thought I'd made progress with the weird attachment issues I have with her, but I guess not quite as far as I thought. 

The salary conversation went better than I thought - no, not because my salary changed but because I had a pretty neutral reaction. And I even spoke. That's 2 huge deals for me. 

She said she did ask - which was nice to hear. But ultimately, my ask was higher than the band for my role (right!). 

She said if that wasn't good enough and if I needed to find another role, she'd be happy to help. 

It sounded nice on the call. I think for her that's being a good manager because her previous manager had specifically told her he'd make sure she never got another job at the company. Can you imagine!

But maybe with every thing going on I think I realized it felt a bit like a rejection - like thanks for trying, don't let the door hit you on the way out. 

This is why reaching for more time and time again has not proven to be in my best interest. 

I should've stayed in my small town - I would be just as disgruntled as I am now but with far less bruising. Nothing good happened. Well nothing lasting and worthwhile happened. 

I'm looking forward to everyone taking their summer breaks so hopefully work will slow down.

Ultimately the news isn't all too shocking for a few reasons. One, I'd already archived it. Two, I'm at a good place financially that I was essentially leaning toward retired in place. Three, I don't know... just within the last 2 days I've gotten more comfortable with letting things go. 

My shoulder has been really hurting, so even if I wanted to churn, I physically couldn't. I've been working from bed the last 2 days which really limits what I can do when I'm used to working on 3 screens. Everything just takes longer.  It has been good for my shoulder because I barely need to engage it on just the laptop.

I'm actually pretty willing to buy new furniture for the office I just don't know what to get or if it will help. I think I need a lower desk but all the desks are pretty standard size so I don't know if that's enough of a help.

So far, if anything I'm thinking of doing a folding desk or a folding plastic table just for some relief. 

Not to get too ahead of myself, but MINT finally projected reaching my FIRE goal in 2022! It's been 2023 or later all along. I'm finding it harder and harder not to check my balances every day!

But I think it will take a lot longer to shift my mind than I thought because I could probably quit today and be somewhat okay but the thought just doesn't appeal to me. Now that I know I can leave, it's almost turned into a game of how long can I stick it out?! Ha. Financial confidence is a funny thing. 

My next big goal is to try to ride this gravy train through the summer. I want to try to enjoy myself, but I have no idea what that looks like. Firstly, working 8 hour days or less!

Summer officially starts on Monday so maybe this weekend will be a good kickoff. 

Self Soothing and Winning!

 So I woke up this morning after a rocky night of sleep. I just kept ruminating about the day's events. And now I can hardly remember. What a difference a day makes. 

I remember thinking I have to self soothe. My college friend I recently reconnected with has not wanted to engage at the level and frequency I hoped for. 

My Work Colleague has her ex back in the picture... and you know how girls get when boys are around.

My cousin who once said life wasn't the same without me... doesn't really return my calls.

My other aunt... will pick up but not always right when I need her.

I've been trying to get into self-soothing the next 3 months. I have these really needy spells where I just want to spill my guts. 

I just need to make this the Summer of Me and Self Care. Kind of getting ready for life post-COVID, but still dedicating this year as a Covid year in terms of spending. Speaking of, I finally got around to investing my stimulus check. I thought I was going to get some furniture to help enjoy the summer, but alas I lost interest. 

I do really want to get a new office chair and desk (and maybe a blender for the summer) but I don't want to get something that won't meet my needs. 

I worked from bed today because my buns and shoulder couldn't take another day at my desk. I also wanted some recompense from the 7 extra hours I worked yesterday. I feel mostly satisfied with the level of effort I put in today.

What I'm most proud of is not getting in a fight with anybody. Aaaaand - I went into the Role and Responsibilities meeting expecting nothing more than a conversation. And that is exactly what I got. Today is my 1 year anniversary, and I finally learned something about how this team operates. Before the meeting, I fixed a lunch so I could go into the meeting with my mouthful to prevent myself from talking. That worked swimmingly!

I made a note to myself to be quiet and be kind. That worked as well. I let the long silences be. If I'm anything, I'm goal/task oriented. 

So nothing came out of the Role and Responsibilities meeting - just things we've already talked about ad nauseum, no action items, and no actual assigning of duties. Fine, by me. I'd also like to point out it's things I'd tried to solve with My Buddy and she flatly refused but somehow in the meeting she was all for it. 

I'm so proud of myself for not calling this out!! I ate my fish sandwich and french fries and minded my business. 

I think they think I'm going to create some sort of video refresher for the vendor. And I considered it, but I was like that was Year 1 me - dumb. I already created a resource and the full time trainers the vendor charges us heftily for has as many fingers and toes as I have. Unless my boss specifically orders me to do it, I'm going to just send an email to the vendor to do it. 

I vehemently oppose her approach of taking work away from others who don't do it. 

Remember the dinsoaur - they're actually considering her for a promotion. If that's not solid evidence to stop what I'm doing (i.e. churning/ overachieving) then I don't know what is. 

Oh and what I feared was true - I'm the only one who did the manager's feedback earlier this year. She brought it up. Wow. I thought I was being gently encouraged to do the feedback. Got that wrong. 

I did manage to casually mention how I miss the days of working 7 hour days at Call Center #1. She flippantly said, oh sorry. I mean it wasn't a dig at her, just an observation. I'm sure that will come back in conversation - just hope it doesn't bite me. Note to self - just fly under the radar. 

These days My Buddy is actually doing some noticeable work. I think it's because the roles and responsibilities conversation is coming up. That's my guess. She's smart, I'll give her that. Just do it when the boss is looking. 

Melancholy Confessions

 I'm feeling a little melancholy this morning. I heard someone on one of my TV shows use it, and it apparently stuck with me. 

What used to be excitement for the workday is slowly being replaced with dread. What small win am I going to miss this time. This regular-achiever lifestyle might be more stress-inducing than overachieving. 

Well in the end, they don't produce impactful results, so regular-achiever seems to be the better option. I want to be a mediocre white man!!!

First, Med Info team doesn't think I'm good enough. Then Grumpy Coworker is insinuating to my boss that I don't know what I'm doing. Pile this on with Mediocre White Man in the beginning questioning what I do all day. Then Dinosaur who I'm dreading feedback from. She also said some not-nice things during Week 1 of training.  Oh, if we're doing a roast. Kelly said I had no filter. 

What am I even doing here?

I wish I could get more excited about Early Retirement, but honestly I'm afraid of that. Everything I've wanted and had to work hard or long for turns out to be salty fish. 

It looks like fresh delicious flaky fish. But by the time you get to it, it's dried, salted, preserved and salty.  You can enjoy it in tiny bites. 

I don't know who started the thought that instant gratification was a thing to be avoided and that things mean more when you have to work for it. It must be some revisionist history. 

None of my degrees or this early retirement journey has felt worth it. 

I feel like by the time I reach my FIRE number, so many things will have gone wrong that I will be in constant fear that my financial independence will be next. 

I didn't want to come back to work after 1 week off, can you imagine a few years?

Laying around all day can't be good for me, but I guess I've always thought FIRE for me would be a slow march toward death. It was more of a secondplace dream for me than anything - more like if I can't be something, then I'm going to be nothing. 

Seeing the hours I put into this job for the 1st year in the hopes of impacting change, a fat bonus, or a promotion tells me I definitely have more work ethic than I thought, but it amounting to nothing was pretty devastating. 

There has to be a better word than devastating. But I don't read much anymore, so I'll never know.

I know the idea of FIRE fits in line with previous patterns of behavior, which I'm sure I've mentioned but I'll recall again.  

I just never understood work. When my friends had things - especially cars in high school- I'd learn that that they were working full time jobs in high school to pay for the car, gas, etc.  That seemed silly to me. I was 16 years old -where did I need to go? I'd rather go nowhere and buy nothing other than what my parents bought me than work.

When I made the dance team and had to pay my own way to dance camp, I almost thought about quitting the dance team. But eventually I found a waitressing job and once I made the $800 or so dollars, I quit. 

I guess for me I'd rather spend less than work more. I was reading another Millionaire Interview on ESI Money and this guy talked about how he'd rather just work more/ earn more than get into a money conversation to curb his wife's spending. 

So maybe I'm a sore loser? Realizing I'm not that special and truly have nothing unique to offer the world or the workplace makes me want to quit playing the game. 

Which is weird to me because I've always thought I'd rather be vice president than president, and that I would make someone a really great assistant. So I don't know anymore. Thoughts and feelings can't be trusted. 

I remember one of the reasons I left full-time teaching after only 1 semester is that effort didn't necessarily equate results. I think that's the problem I'm having here. I remember on some restaurant show where they were like instead of having 100 items on the menu, pick the few that bring in 80% of your business.

What is my thing I do at work that brings in 80% of results or impact? 

I think that would help magnify my impact. I just didn't realize life and work would be that hard. 

 Actually, I think pre-emptive measures take a lot of my time and don't offer that much impact to my boss. Like knowledge articles, checklists, managing meetings, starting her emails.  She prefers reactive. I think she liked the launch checklist and me taking over training. What did those things have in common?

I guess as much as we force her to delegate - she might like it better if we volunteer to do stuff.... but I've been resistant to do that, but maybe I should.  What are 5 buckets of things I can willingly offer -  hmm..that might be a good thought actually! Thanks, blog! 

I was dumbly trying to work with My Buddy and trying to get my boss to delegate (cuz I mean that's her job), but if I actually reflect - she seems to prefer single points of contact (and has casually mentioned this)... hmmm... about to be late for a meeting... 

Missed A Small Win

 Grr... I guess this is some of the collateral damage of easing away from over-achievement.

All I had to do was open 1 email today before my boss. And I was awake 3 hours ahead so I definitely could've done it! 

Or even yesterday, I remember checking our queues for voicemail, but I didn't notice any anomalies. Well the VMs were there, but I didn't notice that they'd come from the wrong place. Grr. 

So between last night and this morning, I was working and clicking for nothing. Again, I'm not prioritizing well. 

I definitely checked our lines throughout the day, and ran quite a few reports yesterday, don't know how I missed this. 

Grr.

I'm just mad because I could've caught the error and scored major brownie points. 

But it's a year later. 

How can I hone my instincts to make them more reliable. 

I think I had a couple signals to let me know to probe further, but I was bogged down with  other petty things. 

This was an expected outcome and I'm not even fully mediocre yet. I'm just mad about it. 

That definitely was a smarter, not harder easy win, and it just slipped through my fingers.

I want to make cookies but my kitchen is too much of a mess and I think the Betty Crocker pouch mix is just soooo sweet and grainy that I'm not super looking forward to eating it. 

A Meat Coma and Some Spendy Habits

 Greetings! 

Another afternoon spent with the Rollofs. They finally got through the divorce so most of the Sad FM storylines are over. 

I've been making some weak attempts to curb my food spending, but apparently it's untenable. I got about $80 worth of groceries and supplies from my Walmart grocery pick-up yesterday. Mostly some staples, but I found I still had a lot from last big haul in Feb of this year.

I mostly got paper and plastic goods, cleaning supplies, condiments and some easy summer eats - popcorn, cereal, tuna, french fries. Unfortunately, I have never been great at bargain shopping for groceries. So I just get it as I need it. This stems from just poor planning, a desire for convenience, and 5 years in a studio apartment with no room for stock piles. 

In April, I had an intensely busy season, so I frequented the hot bar at my local grocery store almost daily for some easy eats. 

That's died down considerably, but then today I bought $40 worth of take out at a bbq place. I wanted to try all the meats! 

I realized I'm not going through things as quickly as I thought. I had 1 roll of paper towel left, so I stocked up, but I think that roll will last me another month or so. Same with some lotion I bought in February. I still haven't opened the new bottle and I was sure I'd be out by now. How do you get  the bottom 1/10 out of the lotion bottle anyway? 

Work at this point is always a trip. I have been finding ways to carve out time during the day to actively not work. It's more a mental game because I still find a reason to log-on at nights and on weekends, so this is ongoing. I read another article on ESI Money that speaks my truth at the moment - the fallacy that if you do good work for your employer you will necessarily get rewarded. It wasn't true at Call Center #1 and it's not true here. I should just call my new job Call Center #3 because that's essentially what I do.  Can you believe it's been a year?!

I've been doing more with reporting from our telephony system so that's a little bit of a new skill - sort of. Not a completely marketable skill, but it's been a fun find for me at least. So not marketable and not profitable. Seems to be on brand with my career choices so far. 

The ESI Money article I was reading was talking about leveraging an external offer to get your company to pay you more. I was hoping to at least have that option with the Med Info Mgr role but in this moment I'm a little disappointed that didn't go as planned.

And then not really hearing back from the internal Med Writing job was a little disappointing.  So there goes that.  I don't think my boss really has the appetite for hearing about it anyway, so I'll just have to find a way to compensate myself in other ways, i.e. less hours. 

I'm about 2 weeks into delineating my daily To Do list into regular To-Do and "Extras." I think just mentally knowing and acknowledging that I'm doing extra work I won't be compensated for helps. So if it's not done by 5p, I can rest a little more easily. And if I log in after 5p to complete it, it's for my own benefit and I know I won't be paid or recognized for it. 

Eventually, I'll move to not doing the things on my Extras list at all, so baby steps. 

I think I just had to realize I wasn't going to have a whole different mindset overnight. 

I have had more appreciation about my total compensation which has helped - the 6% match and the annual bonus.  For next year, I'm setting my expectations much lower and just hoping for 100% of bonus.

I'm not looking forward to sending back some work to the Dinosaur. As has been my fear, this will involve more of me than I wanted. I don't actually know how my other colleagues got roped into it. 

Ongoing goal - try to enjoy the rest of this ride. 

Honestly, I am tired though. I'm out of 100%s to give. I just am. 

I was on Frugalwoods and the latest case study was a family trying to move back to Spain where one of the parents was from. It occurred to me, I wonder if there are websites where people can trade visas.  Like, transactionally...let's get married for the visa. I'm sure there must be Spanish people who want American visas. Is there someone trustworthy who would only do it for the visa. And not try to steal from me. 

I remember Spain and Portugal popping up for places I might retire to. 

I think in terms of Work Goals for this week:

Small Goal: Log off at 1p on Friday (oh I think my boss is off so that should be easy, actually!)

Big Goal: 8 hour day for non Extra work. 

A Little Wind Out of My Sails

 Work was fine today. I did gush to my boss a bit, but not nearly as much as I have in the past. I think my very strong feelings of adoration have certainly subsided.

I just feel meh. 

My Buddy has certainly picked up her contribution to our team, and I'm not sure why. She is one that certainly keeps me guessing. 

But I am slowly trying to break free from that. 

I didn't come in today as hot as my thoughts from last night would have me believe. I did casually mention my boss should triage some of those meetings and next thing you know, I was forwarded one and I had to speak. 

I don't know. Yesterday was a big vision day. Why does God allow me to have these Big Ideas that don't amount to anything?

One good thing that happened - I spoke to my colleague's financial advisor. And he actually kind of gave me his blessing. Not in that regard, but he offered to answer some questions and I went over my FIRE strategy - maxing out 401k, putting extra money in post tax 401k and converting to Roth and using a target date fund.  He said my strategy was sound and was impressed with the in-plan conversion. Yay!  It was the first time I'd really said my FIRE goal out loud - the strategy, my number, and how close I thought I was. 

Of course I feel jinxed. 

I checked A Purple Life's numbers and it looks like her astronomical growth has halted. So that seems like it might be a sign of things to come. Womp, womp.

Anyway...um... oh the wind out of my sails...

Well, remember the Medical Writing job that I did the writing exercise for. Well I followed up with the recruiter and I learned they're vetting out another internal candidate. Grrr. I thought I was the only one. And I have no experience, so I've lost hope in that one. Womp, womp.

It's probably better anyway. I'd already committed to stay in the Call Center Manager role just to make things easier. 

I feel a little disconnected from work

 I know it's only been a day, but yesterday was the most disconnected I've felt from work in a while. So while I was still checking work email multiple times a day while on vacation last week, I think it did help to put some distance between us.

Now, mind you, I was still replaying work conversations in my head last night, and I still got worked up over a meeting I wish had gone differently. However, I just feel ever so slightly less invested.

About yesterday, I do think at least 2 of those meetings I should have been able to manage. It would've made me vomit and I certainly don't want to, but I think at this point, I should be able to.  So the overachiever in me is wanting us to get to that place. But the complacence in me is like oh well. 

But I'm deciding to trust the process. Trust my boss. 

Also, My Buddy actually did work yesterday! She ran a report before I even got to it. My brain is telling me she's just trying to up her game in prep for our Roles and Responsibilities conversation tomorrow. Stack the deck a little, if you will.

I'm sure My Boss will be fooled. At this point, I don't remember much that happened beyond the last 24 hours, so I imagine she won't either. 

I reconnected with my College Friend and it's just so nice to have someone else to talk to! 

Yesterday,  I was good about letting 2 things go and giving someone else a chance to do it.

Boy, this life and this job are certainly a work in progress!

My Big Reveal Never Came

 As we all know by now, the weekends especially Sunday nights are when I get the most contemplative about my life. Right now my life = work. 

Saturdays I usually spend ruminating on how to get to FIRE faster, and on Sundays it's as though I'm tacitly choosing to continue with my life, i.e. work. 

Yesterday I think I was just hit with the realization (again) that I never really got to achieve greatness. I think back to previous dreams- I always wanted to be a child star. 

I thought about how I so wanted to be a tennis star. I took a few lessons and was just waiting for some coach to spot me and lead me to greatness.

I remember actually being approached by the track coach in high school after I'd done well in a long jump in P.E. But I hated running and the girls on the track team were not girls I saw myself associating with.

So then I wonder, was that my great chance? 

I'm so bad at reading signs because I expect them to present a certain way. 

So I think back to my job. I think I was hoping this was my chance at greatness. I literally have done Call Center for 5 years and this is a call center job. I have worked 2 call centers and supported 5 or 6 clients. Why aren't I better at this.

I even prayed for good measure.

One of the other blogs I read frequently are the Millionaire Interviews on ESI Money. So many of them talk about achieving really great things at work - turning around a program after x months and y hours.

I definitely put in the hours and was a willing participant. I was hoping this was my moment. I mean COVID was the perfect time to put in the hours and affect some change. 

It just didn't happen. I put in a lot of meaningless hours. I didn't affect any meaningful change. I think that's really the driver of my push for work-life balance. 

I'm tired of feeling like my efforts are futile. I'm working toward nothing. So, I don't necessarily have a life that I'm trying to balance. I just don't want to face the reality anymore that I'm not that great and I have little capacity to affect change.

It was my last little hope that my moment was coming. My parade was just around the corner. 

I have been crying out for my life to matter, but it really doesn't. 

So this dread I feel is really my dread to bear. It's not my job or my coworkers or my boss. I think my negative feelings about my coworkers is that I'm just like them. I'm not special. My boss chose all of us as her team because we're more similar than different. 

And I think that's what's a little hard to bear. Maybe it's the track team all over again. Hmm, never thought about that before. I'll have to think some more on that.

But yeah, I've been trying to figure out what exactly my problem is with My Buddy. I think it's because in the end we're more similar than I'd hoped. We're just ordinary people with no lasting impact. I couldn't outshine her. I couldn't outperform her because we're at the same level.

And she got there on a crooked path - single mom, late-in-life bachelor's degree holder. 

I'm not special after all. She can accomplish in 40 hour weeks what I'm accomplishing in 60-80 hour weeks - nothing of any significant impact or value. 

Slight Spiral

 I made it to about 8p and now I'm feeling all sorts of feelings about going back to work tomorrow. After a week off, even with checking my email regularly, I do feel a little removed from work.

So much so that going back is making me feel a little dread. In this moment, if I never saw my boss again, I would be okay. 

I'd miss her and still want to know what was up, but I'd get over it I think. 

Wow. 

Remember her first long weekend away, I had some serious separation anxiety. What a difference a year makes. 

I don't think these are normal feelings. 

I like reading Purple's blog because we share some of the same feelings. 

There are definitely moments in the last year where I thought - maybe this is a job I would stay in past FIRE. Today I feel - NOT!

Tomorrow, I don't feel like giving 100%. I'm out of 100% to give. 

I reconnected with an old college friend on Saturday and it went better than expected. My cousin that I still have mixed feelings about was also a distraction on Saturday as well. 

I started to do work in the morning because I had nothing else to do- but after the social distraction I completely lost focus. 

But now I want them to focus all their attention on me. Naturally, that's unreasonable, but wouldn't that be nice.

From one obsession to the next. 

I stalked my boss's calendar for the next couple of weeks. I see she has a Q2 check-in with My Buddy and I felt paranoid and jealous. 

Things I'm anxious about this week

- Prepping for launch of a new product

- A call calibration with vendor that I have to lead

- The Wednesday session where we try to define roles and responsibilities

- Vendor requests

- Just overall - what the heck is my job

Things that would make me happy:

- Getting an offer from the medical writing role + a pay bump to $135k base + it being an awesome job

Too much?

I'm thinking of ending the mortgage forbearance. It's been a much bigger weight on my mind than I anticipated. I think being this close to FIRE 500 I don't want greed or anything else to jeopardize my success. So I don't know if it's an actual moral dilemma or just fear of jinxing myself? 

I've been trying to jump start stuff - doctor's appointment, new personality, social life- since stuff is trying to get back to normal... but I think I should just carry on with plan to give this year to COVID. 

So many dead bugs in this house!

And Raid 100% gives me a headache and a neck tingle. 

So I bought some $8 essential oils bug spray (and a chemical-ly one as a back up that wasn't Raid brand). 

Although I didn't fully disconnect this week, I guess I gained some perspective.

- This is a good-paying job.

- I can def do better about my version of "coasting."

- Having social distractions will definitely help curb my "overachieving" and minding my own business. 

- Our vendor truly annoys me. 

More like grievances:

- I think our vendor could do a better job of learning our business.

- I need them to take more ownership of process than they do.

- I need them to be better.

- I think I can get away with doing less, I just need to get to where I can feel better about it. 

- Sometimes I think I could be the awesome manager my manager would want, but I think she needs to let go. I have a better idea of how I could manage the vendor, but I don't know if I want to. How does that fit with my coasting plans? I'm still not sure if I want to be AD, but part of me kind of thinks it would be cool to be in charge. I'm so curious to know if my manager thinks I'm anywhere close to that? Outside of all her employees being so great, I wonder what she thinks my real strengths are? 

- Outside of achieving FIRE, where do I really see myself in 5 years if I'm still at this job or company? Should I even dream that far? I'll say it again and again, the call center life was really easier. I didn't have to think about career growth. That shift life certainly had its perks. 

- Still need balance on - what I should do vs what I can do vs what I want to do. 

Vacation Day 5: Am I hashtagging?

 Have you seen that Progressive commercial? It just makes me laugh. People are so creative and funny. 

I'm so grateful for the 22 seasons of the Rollofs on Little People, Big World. It has definitely helped anchor these vacation days. I didn't watch much of it yesterday, but I was able to find different things to click around and fill my day. 

I did not drink enough water though because I have a screaming headache. And my tooth is still being weird.

I did rebinge some more of A Purple Life. Man, am I grateful for people who share their numbers along the FIRE journey. 

While she's not technically single, her financial state is the closest to mine. Well, was. 

Here are the articles I want to remember to reference:

https://apurplelife.com/2019/10/15/should-i-quit-in-11-months/ 

https://apurplelife.com/2020/07/23/500000-at-30-i-hit-my-fire-number/

She was just shy of $400k in the first link and still felt confident to FIRE 11 months later. 

The sheer fact that she can confidently rely on life going somewhat the way she wants is a privilege I have yet to experience.

Even being the closest as I've ever been to FIRE 500, I'm still pretty leery of shouting it from the rooftops for fear of jinxing it. Now I can only think of worst case scenarios. 

Work has picked up today so it's been a weird week. Since I'm trying not to openly talk about My Buddy anymore, I'm leaving the gossip to the blog. She actually ran a report today, haha.  I think one of her own doing. Wow!  My manager actually scheduled a 1.5 hour session next week to discuss roles and responsibilities. So curious to know how that will go. What should my approach be - active or passive participant? Who knows. 

I'm not putting too much faith much will be resolved in 1.5 hours. I fear it's going to be a lot of conversation and rehashing the past with nothing really resolved. Oh well, I'm doing my best to enjoy this 2 year ride. 

I sent an email to my racist friend. I decided he's my control (like a placebo). Lately, when I reach out to old ghosts, I will sometimes reach out to him to see how he responds. 

I sent an email to an old college friend who I've been trying to reconnect with without success. I'm not sure why honestly. 

I was reading an internet article about reconnecting and it kind of outlined some of the reasons people reach out - 

- a quick hello

- a deep dive catch-up

- or re-enter each other's lives more fully

I always want #3, but I think more people are fine with #1. 

That was the issue I had in 2015 when I sort of got rid of my phone. The quick hello was always confusing via text or fb message. Once something is activated, I always want to go full force. Then I get disappointed when the other person doesn't feel that way.

Because it's been harder to make new friends than I anticipated I have been thinking about opening myself back up to texts. It doesn't feel right but I don't know what else to do. Desperate times. 

It's like being in a bad relationship. Lots of people choose an unfulfilling relationship over being alone. I dramatically chose being alone as of 2015 but I think I'm doubling back to unfulfilling friendships just to try to jumpstart this social life.

I was thinking yesterday - so let's say I achieve some semblance of work balance. I truly only work 40 hours/week. What the heck am I supposed to do with the remaining time? 

So that's how we got here. 

I don't love the unfair exchange rate that happens for every hour over 40 that I work but it's not like I have anything better to do. I think for me, it's a combination of not getting paid but also not really making any impact. It'd be one thing if you were working 80 hour weeks to actually achieve something that matters like working on a house or building a dream. But the stuff I do doesn't matter in the end- editing documents and cleaning up messes and running dumb reports. NO ONE CARES that's why they're in the state they're in. 

The little fires either  burn out or ignite bigger fires that I can't control.

I don't hate my job by any means, I just feel aimless. I think that's always been an underlying issue. 

Vacation Day 4 - Mistakes were made

 Grrr... you know the report I dumbly ran on Sunday when I was supposed to be off. I goofed it! 

I did test it before sending but I could've done better. If it were someone else, I would definitely be mentally finger pointing.

Here are all the things I could've done differently:

- Not done it at all since it wasn't my responsibility

- Worked smarter, not harder - by copying the previous template exactly as is instead of trying to customize it to make it "better"

- Tested it with just our team as brain was alerting me to until I was sure it was right (vs sending it to vendor)

- After the first couple results, I noticed the numbers looked a little low, but I was supposedly on "vacation" so didn't look into it further...so why did I bother checking if I wasn't going to act?

- I knew the metric my boss was most interested in so I should've made sure that was right!

This is why I'd wanted to take time off- these little mistakes because I'm juggling too much. Super FAIL. Ugh.

Vacation Day 4 is completely out the door now.  Groan. 

How do I return to the quality of work I'm used to -where it would take me 8 hours to get a report absolutely perfect?!

Vacation Day 3- Evening

 It's 7p, and I probably did 1-3 hours of work today. Groan. 

What exactly was my purpose of checking my email? I am not a top level decision maker, and I didn't have nearly as much email as I thought I would need to sift through. 

Ugh, sensitive high achiever. 

I ran a report for my boss. And there was an inconsistency in one of the Knowledge articles, so I, being a sensitive high achiever, took it upon myself to look at all the related documents for inconsistency. That took me down a rabbit hole of frustration and mental finger pointing. 

I mentally pointed a finger at the lady I asked to make the updates. And the lady who was supposed to keep the articles updated. And the lady who is so quick to make her snide comments but when time to take the initiative, she waits for the agents to point out mistakes. I just realized why that comment rubbed me the wrong way - it's reactive, not proactive or pre-emptive. Not how I roll. I just feel like it's the plank vs dust scenario.  Then there's the vendor who for whatever reason, her feedback rubs me the wrong way. I take it personally because the articles were a mess before I got there, but her little jabs feel like they're pointed at me. When really, ugh... it's been 2 years, no one noticed? Like obviously the agents weren't using these documents and still don't so who are you making these requests for?

Anyways a lot of thoughts and feeling there I had to get out. So that took longer than it needed because it just highlighted some internal structure issues. Groan.

Le sigh. Can I make it 2 days without checking work email and completely disengaging? 

How do I disconnect. How do I take time off from work and truly rest and relax and rejuvenate?

Today I kept the computer on the stairs. I didn't turn on the iPad though - eventhough I wanted to see if my boss texted me. 

So if I make today the last day of checking work email - that'll be thurs, friday, and sat and sun.....so really 2 business days and 2 silly-days because there really is no email on sat and sun I just usually do menial tasks. 

I already know there's something on the weekend I want to do or at least pretend to send as though I worked on it on the weekend. 

I already started a to-do list for next week. 

So what to do...

Vacation Day 3, 11a

 Hello! It's Wednesday. I first woke up around 6a for a bio break.  I refused to activate my brain so I lay back in bed until I fell back asleep. I awoke a little after 9a with a hunkering to check work email.

I did. No real fires or aggravation so I was able to log-off pretty quickly.  Then I checked on an article that I wanted to reference before turning in my Writing Exercise. I thought I'd have to request it but a second google search later, I was able to find the full pdf. I feel good about one of my answers but am still a little unsure about another. So I basically just stared at it for the last 2 hours. Mind you, it's 2 sentences.  #sensitivehighachiever

The work smarter, not harder approach is obviously a long game, ongoing area of improvement for me. 

Without getting too excited or ahead of myself, I can't stress how much of a different experience this writing test was vs the one for med info manager. A lot of it has to do with me not sticking up for myself for things with which I'm unfamiliar. 

Don't dwell. 

It's raining so that's good for a few reasons. I didn't really feel like opening the windows. No pressure to go outside, and I don't have to feel bad for not trying to go to the beach - this last weekend being the official start of summer and all.

I had some negative feelings this morning  - namely around my brother. I've been feeling guilty that I'm not supporting my family overseas that much. I've only mentally committed to sending over $1200/year and then I read another blogger who sends $1500/mon along with his brothers. That's really what my family could use as well. I had negative feelings because my brother is older and has been working longer and is just as capable of helping out but of course due to society..

a) he feels no pressure or guilt

b) and is completely comfortable doing nothing to help

Then it makes me feel bad that this is how I was with my aunt - waiting for other people to help. But I also hate other people benefiting from all the guilt and regret I feel about how I treated her because it does nothing to change the past.  But yeah, maybe instead of waiting for my brother, I'll start contributing the $500/mon.

If I use my aunt's leftover "pension" money for that, that definitely takes me much farther away from my FIRE goal. I started off not counting that money in my FIRE goal, but I got so desperate to reach the finish line, that I started counting it. 

Ugh, I really wanted to make this year, my lowest spend year yet. Oh well. 

The other thing that's giving me pause is the mortgage forbearance. I applied for it with my mortgage company starting June 1. There were a lot of alarm bells, but I ignored them all. My biggest concern is if the govt audits the program in a couple years, I may not be able to prove financial hardship. But there is some genuine concern about my job sich. I mean the job I was hired to do is effectively eliminated but how do I prove that? 

Will whatever the penalty be in x years be worth saving $500/mon. NO. 

Why do I know a decision is questionable and I still move forward. Well, because sometimes my trusty gut is wrong. Or maybe my guardian angels catch me more times than I know. Probably the latter.

Like I know something funky is going on with my tooth that has now developed some heat sensitivity (like what happened right before I had to get root canal treatment), but am I taking better care of my teeth. Nope. 

I'm hoping future me does a better job of listening to warning bells and doing the right thing more of the time. 

Honestly, this mortgage forbearance thing doesn't even seem worth the hassle. I go back and forth because technically it's not free money, I'm just delaying mortgage payments. 

Vacation Day 2 - Evening

 So I mostly just came on here because I wanted someone to talk to. Today was a pretty okay day. I can't believe it's June. 

Until the evening, I watched Little People, Big World. After 5p, I switched to Worst Cooks in America. Even though I checked my email about 10 times, there weren't actually that many emails for me. Not sure if today was just a slow day or if things were intentionally kept out of my inbox. 

The recruiter for the Medical Writer job contacted me and I got a little excited. I already like this assessment more than the one for the Med Info Mgr job. 

It gave me something to work on and it's not due for 1 week!! That's way less stressful and manageable than the 1 hour turn around for the Med Info Mgr job. 

My gold tooth is tingling. Something is on the horizon. Ugh. 

Back on the writing exercise, I got stuck on the first question but I think I'm not as panicked as I would be since I was pretty open that I had no experience so I don't have to "fake it till I make it."

I really hope they can give me feedback on the writing exercise before I'm forced to apply. This way I don't have to apply for a job I won't get. 

Anyway, that's pretty much it on the mental gymnastics front.

I made some donuts out of frozen Mrs. Rhodes dough. Whoops, kind of ate all six in one sitting. Which is strange because I would never eat 6 rolls in one sitting. 

I didn't have quite the freezer full of food I thought, so I'm thinking of doing a snack run tomorrow. I want some fruit or juice or something. What's really in my freezer are staples - frozen veggies and seafood. 

I did one load of dishes, so that's a little win for me. 

Also one of the reports I ran this weekend executed as expected, so that's another win. 

It was weird not talking to my boss all day. Oh well. I did cheat myself out of off time by reading chats and emails for the day. Oh well again. 

3 more weekdays left! I didn't venture to the beach today because it wasn't supposed to be much higher than 70 degrees on the coast.

I think I'll turn in the writing exercise on Thursday sometime and also go ahead and schedule my free consultation with the financial advisor recommended by my co-worker.

Ok, not much really to say. 

Vacation Day 2 - Under Guise As a Sensitive High Achiever

 My latest millennial label is a sesnsitive High Achiever - always on, always want to follow-up on every single task regardless of importance, a little impostor syndrome, reliable, meets deadlines, driven and tirelessly committed.

On the other hand, the internet also says this of highly sensitive people - they have more active mental circuitry and neurochemicals in areas related to attention, action-planning, decision-making, and having strong internal experiences. In other words, you have a deep capacity to channel your focus with precision, make thoughtful choices, and spark rich insights to bring great ideas to the table.

I like the second version of myself better. 

Anyway like a maniac, I was checking my email since Friday night - which led to the 2 emails and reports I ran on Sunday. 

I knew shutting off everything cold turkey wouldn't work, so I put my work iPad on Downtime (which made me have to go through a manual step to check email, Teams, and other telecomm apps). And I didn't shut my laptop off. 

I know I soon as I put limits on things, I immediately want to do it. 

But I may try shutting off the laptop today. And just allow myself to check it a couple times a day.

I've already turned off the iPad this morning - after checking it 4 times before 11a.

Maybe if I start the day blogging, it will help scratch some of the itch.

I think part of it ..a big part is- what is the alternative... 20 hours of TV a day? 

I checked email and Teams this morning and there were already aggravating messages on there. Which led me down a spiral of - didn't I already tell you that? Does this reflect poorly on me? 

Ugh. When I remind myself that for every 100 events, my ability to impact change was 1 out of 100, I feel ineffective. But I don't love that mindset because that just means I have to try 200 times to get twice the impact. Wrong. 

Ugh. I don't necessarily need to make a difference, but if I'm working more than the 40 hours/wk, it needs to be for something. What do I have to show for it? Is anyone keeping track of my small victories? My small wins? The small things I catch? Especially if I'm not a natural self-promoter?

I would like to reframe my approach to work. How do I not try to overachieve without trying to make a point? It is a wiseman's game to do the work you get paid for. I mean what really is the pot at the end of this overachievement rainbow. 

Every now and then, you are noticed and acknowledged for your work. Do I want a promotion? Do I want a raise? Well, duh, yes I want a raise. 

I just feel like the thing I have to offer the company that everyone doesn't have is time! That's my strongest asset at this point. But how do I churn that for income?

I'm feeling a bit unlucky... my colleague - grossed $142k last year from our company. Plus 9k of company match. That's $150k on a base salary of ~$110k. She's the person I've been comparing 401k returns with this last week or so. I'm just astonished with how much "free money" passed through her hands in 2020.  But what do you have to show for it?

I think I felt a little jealousy(?)...what's the word when things seem imbalanced. She admitted to maybe doing 3-4 months of work last year.  She got mortgage forbearance for 6 months on a 2.5k/month mortgage. No student loan payments. Child support of about $18k. I think for me, NOT keeping in mind that personal finance is personal....I'm like... how did $80-100k of disposable income slip through your hands last year. What does she have to show for it? From a personal finance standpoint...well to be clear from MY personal finance standpoint... what do you have to show for it? 

I think it's one of those things - where I feel like I'm kinda aggressively saving and still ending up in the same place and she will be much farther ahead in 30 years because she's going to keep working in a cushy job. 

How do you benefit from other people's experiences without some negative feelings? It just feels a bit... unfair? Life's not fair, buttercup. Suck it up! 

I think that's why I just focus on singular goals. Laser focused because having to account for all these variables just messes up with my journey. 

Anyway, that took a tangent, but that's what's on my mind. 

Where do I get to the kindness part of my life. I'm trying and it is like this fun game. How much crap can I take from people and still say nothing and be kind. 

How do I take a break and still come back and do a good job?

I think I just need to try to enjoy the summer. June, July, August. I think Sept will be the beginning of the post-COVID era. Not Jan 2022 as I'd hoped. 

More musings...

I think at some point I thought I couldn't do the AD job that my boss had before her recent promotion. I think I could. I have more experience and good ideas than I thought. I think I could take it on. It would be a steep curve, but I think I'd be able to coast by 2 years. I understand more than I thought and I think the margin for error is larger than I thought - well for a white man. But I think I COULD do it. I definitely don't enjoy vendor management though. 

My areas of improvement continue to be-

- not calling people out, but also not thinking about it

- eventhough I don't point fingers...in my mind I do!!

- this ship has so many moving parts and I really can't do everything myself and when you delegate stuff to other people.. they are not going to do it well... right now, I trust maybe 2 people including my manager to do what I ask them to do sucessfully..

... and so it's a lot of follow-up

I think this 2 year run-up to my next FI goal, just is making me think more seriously about other aspects of my life.

I think I'm hoping, I'll naturally want to be physically active because I'll have nothing else to do. I certainly never thought I'd be the girl to work nights and weekends and not get paid for it or have no impact. But I can't seem to help myself. 

Maybe as miserable as staying in bed and feeling my muscles atrophy is...I feel like when things need to happen, I hope my mind and body will not betray me. 

I just want to believe there's a natural evolution of priorities. No?