Melancholy Confessions

 I'm feeling a little melancholy this morning. I heard someone on one of my TV shows use it, and it apparently stuck with me. 

What used to be excitement for the workday is slowly being replaced with dread. What small win am I going to miss this time. This regular-achiever lifestyle might be more stress-inducing than overachieving. 

Well in the end, they don't produce impactful results, so regular-achiever seems to be the better option. I want to be a mediocre white man!!!

First, Med Info team doesn't think I'm good enough. Then Grumpy Coworker is insinuating to my boss that I don't know what I'm doing. Pile this on with Mediocre White Man in the beginning questioning what I do all day. Then Dinosaur who I'm dreading feedback from. She also said some not-nice things during Week 1 of training.  Oh, if we're doing a roast. Kelly said I had no filter. 

What am I even doing here?

I wish I could get more excited about Early Retirement, but honestly I'm afraid of that. Everything I've wanted and had to work hard or long for turns out to be salty fish. 

It looks like fresh delicious flaky fish. But by the time you get to it, it's dried, salted, preserved and salty.  You can enjoy it in tiny bites. 

I don't know who started the thought that instant gratification was a thing to be avoided and that things mean more when you have to work for it. It must be some revisionist history. 

None of my degrees or this early retirement journey has felt worth it. 

I feel like by the time I reach my FIRE number, so many things will have gone wrong that I will be in constant fear that my financial independence will be next. 

I didn't want to come back to work after 1 week off, can you imagine a few years?

Laying around all day can't be good for me, but I guess I've always thought FIRE for me would be a slow march toward death. It was more of a secondplace dream for me than anything - more like if I can't be something, then I'm going to be nothing. 

Seeing the hours I put into this job for the 1st year in the hopes of impacting change, a fat bonus, or a promotion tells me I definitely have more work ethic than I thought, but it amounting to nothing was pretty devastating. 

There has to be a better word than devastating. But I don't read much anymore, so I'll never know.

I know the idea of FIRE fits in line with previous patterns of behavior, which I'm sure I've mentioned but I'll recall again.  

I just never understood work. When my friends had things - especially cars in high school- I'd learn that that they were working full time jobs in high school to pay for the car, gas, etc.  That seemed silly to me. I was 16 years old -where did I need to go? I'd rather go nowhere and buy nothing other than what my parents bought me than work.

When I made the dance team and had to pay my own way to dance camp, I almost thought about quitting the dance team. But eventually I found a waitressing job and once I made the $800 or so dollars, I quit. 

I guess for me I'd rather spend less than work more. I was reading another Millionaire Interview on ESI Money and this guy talked about how he'd rather just work more/ earn more than get into a money conversation to curb his wife's spending. 

So maybe I'm a sore loser? Realizing I'm not that special and truly have nothing unique to offer the world or the workplace makes me want to quit playing the game. 

Which is weird to me because I've always thought I'd rather be vice president than president, and that I would make someone a really great assistant. So I don't know anymore. Thoughts and feelings can't be trusted. 

I remember one of the reasons I left full-time teaching after only 1 semester is that effort didn't necessarily equate results. I think that's the problem I'm having here. I remember on some restaurant show where they were like instead of having 100 items on the menu, pick the few that bring in 80% of your business.

What is my thing I do at work that brings in 80% of results or impact? 

I think that would help magnify my impact. I just didn't realize life and work would be that hard. 

 Actually, I think pre-emptive measures take a lot of my time and don't offer that much impact to my boss. Like knowledge articles, checklists, managing meetings, starting her emails.  She prefers reactive. I think she liked the launch checklist and me taking over training. What did those things have in common?

I guess as much as we force her to delegate - she might like it better if we volunteer to do stuff.... but I've been resistant to do that, but maybe I should.  What are 5 buckets of things I can willingly offer -  hmm..that might be a good thought actually! Thanks, blog! 

I was dumbly trying to work with My Buddy and trying to get my boss to delegate (cuz I mean that's her job), but if I actually reflect - she seems to prefer single points of contact (and has casually mentioned this)... hmmm... about to be late for a meeting...