Vacation Day 2 - Under Guise As a Sensitive High Achiever

 My latest millennial label is a sesnsitive High Achiever - always on, always want to follow-up on every single task regardless of importance, a little impostor syndrome, reliable, meets deadlines, driven and tirelessly committed.

On the other hand, the internet also says this of highly sensitive people - they have more active mental circuitry and neurochemicals in areas related to attention, action-planning, decision-making, and having strong internal experiences. In other words, you have a deep capacity to channel your focus with precision, make thoughtful choices, and spark rich insights to bring great ideas to the table.

I like the second version of myself better. 

Anyway like a maniac, I was checking my email since Friday night - which led to the 2 emails and reports I ran on Sunday. 

I knew shutting off everything cold turkey wouldn't work, so I put my work iPad on Downtime (which made me have to go through a manual step to check email, Teams, and other telecomm apps). And I didn't shut my laptop off. 

I know I soon as I put limits on things, I immediately want to do it. 

But I may try shutting off the laptop today. And just allow myself to check it a couple times a day.

I've already turned off the iPad this morning - after checking it 4 times before 11a.

Maybe if I start the day blogging, it will help scratch some of the itch.

I think part of it ..a big part is- what is the alternative... 20 hours of TV a day? 

I checked email and Teams this morning and there were already aggravating messages on there. Which led me down a spiral of - didn't I already tell you that? Does this reflect poorly on me? 

Ugh. When I remind myself that for every 100 events, my ability to impact change was 1 out of 100, I feel ineffective. But I don't love that mindset because that just means I have to try 200 times to get twice the impact. Wrong. 

Ugh. I don't necessarily need to make a difference, but if I'm working more than the 40 hours/wk, it needs to be for something. What do I have to show for it? Is anyone keeping track of my small victories? My small wins? The small things I catch? Especially if I'm not a natural self-promoter?

I would like to reframe my approach to work. How do I not try to overachieve without trying to make a point? It is a wiseman's game to do the work you get paid for. I mean what really is the pot at the end of this overachievement rainbow. 

Every now and then, you are noticed and acknowledged for your work. Do I want a promotion? Do I want a raise? Well, duh, yes I want a raise. 

I just feel like the thing I have to offer the company that everyone doesn't have is time! That's my strongest asset at this point. But how do I churn that for income?

I'm feeling a bit unlucky... my colleague - grossed $142k last year from our company. Plus 9k of company match. That's $150k on a base salary of ~$110k. She's the person I've been comparing 401k returns with this last week or so. I'm just astonished with how much "free money" passed through her hands in 2020.  But what do you have to show for it?

I think I felt a little jealousy(?)...what's the word when things seem imbalanced. She admitted to maybe doing 3-4 months of work last year.  She got mortgage forbearance for 6 months on a 2.5k/month mortgage. No student loan payments. Child support of about $18k. I think for me, NOT keeping in mind that personal finance is personal....I'm like... how did $80-100k of disposable income slip through your hands last year. What does she have to show for it? From a personal finance standpoint...well to be clear from MY personal finance standpoint... what do you have to show for it? 

I think it's one of those things - where I feel like I'm kinda aggressively saving and still ending up in the same place and she will be much farther ahead in 30 years because she's going to keep working in a cushy job. 

How do you benefit from other people's experiences without some negative feelings? It just feels a bit... unfair? Life's not fair, buttercup. Suck it up! 

I think that's why I just focus on singular goals. Laser focused because having to account for all these variables just messes up with my journey. 

Anyway, that took a tangent, but that's what's on my mind. 

Where do I get to the kindness part of my life. I'm trying and it is like this fun game. How much crap can I take from people and still say nothing and be kind. 

How do I take a break and still come back and do a good job?

I think I just need to try to enjoy the summer. June, July, August. I think Sept will be the beginning of the post-COVID era. Not Jan 2022 as I'd hoped. 

More musings...

I think at some point I thought I couldn't do the AD job that my boss had before her recent promotion. I think I could. I have more experience and good ideas than I thought. I think I could take it on. It would be a steep curve, but I think I'd be able to coast by 2 years. I understand more than I thought and I think the margin for error is larger than I thought - well for a white man. But I think I COULD do it. I definitely don't enjoy vendor management though. 

My areas of improvement continue to be-

- not calling people out, but also not thinking about it

- eventhough I don't point fingers...in my mind I do!!

- this ship has so many moving parts and I really can't do everything myself and when you delegate stuff to other people.. they are not going to do it well... right now, I trust maybe 2 people including my manager to do what I ask them to do sucessfully..

... and so it's a lot of follow-up

I think this 2 year run-up to my next FI goal, just is making me think more seriously about other aspects of my life.

I think I'm hoping, I'll naturally want to be physically active because I'll have nothing else to do. I certainly never thought I'd be the girl to work nights and weekends and not get paid for it or have no impact. But I can't seem to help myself. 

Maybe as miserable as staying in bed and feeling my muscles atrophy is...I feel like when things need to happen, I hope my mind and body will not betray me. 

I just want to believe there's a natural evolution of priorities. No?