Vacation Day 3, 11a

 Hello! It's Wednesday. I first woke up around 6a for a bio break.  I refused to activate my brain so I lay back in bed until I fell back asleep. I awoke a little after 9a with a hunkering to check work email.

I did. No real fires or aggravation so I was able to log-off pretty quickly.  Then I checked on an article that I wanted to reference before turning in my Writing Exercise. I thought I'd have to request it but a second google search later, I was able to find the full pdf. I feel good about one of my answers but am still a little unsure about another. So I basically just stared at it for the last 2 hours. Mind you, it's 2 sentences.  #sensitivehighachiever

The work smarter, not harder approach is obviously a long game, ongoing area of improvement for me. 

Without getting too excited or ahead of myself, I can't stress how much of a different experience this writing test was vs the one for med info manager. A lot of it has to do with me not sticking up for myself for things with which I'm unfamiliar. 

Don't dwell. 

It's raining so that's good for a few reasons. I didn't really feel like opening the windows. No pressure to go outside, and I don't have to feel bad for not trying to go to the beach - this last weekend being the official start of summer and all.

I had some negative feelings this morning  - namely around my brother. I've been feeling guilty that I'm not supporting my family overseas that much. I've only mentally committed to sending over $1200/year and then I read another blogger who sends $1500/mon along with his brothers. That's really what my family could use as well. I had negative feelings because my brother is older and has been working longer and is just as capable of helping out but of course due to society..

a) he feels no pressure or guilt

b) and is completely comfortable doing nothing to help

Then it makes me feel bad that this is how I was with my aunt - waiting for other people to help. But I also hate other people benefiting from all the guilt and regret I feel about how I treated her because it does nothing to change the past.  But yeah, maybe instead of waiting for my brother, I'll start contributing the $500/mon.

If I use my aunt's leftover "pension" money for that, that definitely takes me much farther away from my FIRE goal. I started off not counting that money in my FIRE goal, but I got so desperate to reach the finish line, that I started counting it. 

Ugh, I really wanted to make this year, my lowest spend year yet. Oh well. 

The other thing that's giving me pause is the mortgage forbearance. I applied for it with my mortgage company starting June 1. There were a lot of alarm bells, but I ignored them all. My biggest concern is if the govt audits the program in a couple years, I may not be able to prove financial hardship. But there is some genuine concern about my job sich. I mean the job I was hired to do is effectively eliminated but how do I prove that? 

Will whatever the penalty be in x years be worth saving $500/mon. NO. 

Why do I know a decision is questionable and I still move forward. Well, because sometimes my trusty gut is wrong. Or maybe my guardian angels catch me more times than I know. Probably the latter.

Like I know something funky is going on with my tooth that has now developed some heat sensitivity (like what happened right before I had to get root canal treatment), but am I taking better care of my teeth. Nope. 

I'm hoping future me does a better job of listening to warning bells and doing the right thing more of the time. 

Honestly, this mortgage forbearance thing doesn't even seem worth the hassle. I go back and forth because technically it's not free money, I'm just delaying mortgage payments.