Was I Ever Happy?

 I spent a few minutes in my car just being sad. I teared up a bit and listened to a few tracks on an old Rent soundtrack. 

The last two days I pretty much worked 8 hours or less, so that's been good.

Today we had a Q2 check-in, and my boss actually brought up the salary email I sent. I forgot I'd said we could talk about it for our Q2 check-in. Whoops. I guess I thought she'd respond right away - one way or the other.

I had negative thoughts about her for no reason. More reason for me to really let go of some of my hang-ups and trust her process. 

Le sigh. 

Seeing her so happy with her family and all their comings and goings I think made me sad. 

Was I ever that happy? 

It just made me feel like an outsider I guess. I really wanted to be a part of her inner fold. But how foolish was that. 

She was gushing about her kids. And two of her favorite co-workers.  I wonder if she ever talks about me to other people. 

I thought I'd made progress with the weird attachment issues I have with her, but I guess not quite as far as I thought. 

The salary conversation went better than I thought - no, not because my salary changed but because I had a pretty neutral reaction. And I even spoke. That's 2 huge deals for me. 

She said she did ask - which was nice to hear. But ultimately, my ask was higher than the band for my role (right!). 

She said if that wasn't good enough and if I needed to find another role, she'd be happy to help. 

It sounded nice on the call. I think for her that's being a good manager because her previous manager had specifically told her he'd make sure she never got another job at the company. Can you imagine!

But maybe with every thing going on I think I realized it felt a bit like a rejection - like thanks for trying, don't let the door hit you on the way out. 

This is why reaching for more time and time again has not proven to be in my best interest. 

I should've stayed in my small town - I would be just as disgruntled as I am now but with far less bruising. Nothing good happened. Well nothing lasting and worthwhile happened. 

I'm looking forward to everyone taking their summer breaks so hopefully work will slow down.

Ultimately the news isn't all too shocking for a few reasons. One, I'd already archived it. Two, I'm at a good place financially that I was essentially leaning toward retired in place. Three, I don't know... just within the last 2 days I've gotten more comfortable with letting things go. 

My shoulder has been really hurting, so even if I wanted to churn, I physically couldn't. I've been working from bed the last 2 days which really limits what I can do when I'm used to working on 3 screens. Everything just takes longer.  It has been good for my shoulder because I barely need to engage it on just the laptop.

I'm actually pretty willing to buy new furniture for the office I just don't know what to get or if it will help. I think I need a lower desk but all the desks are pretty standard size so I don't know if that's enough of a help.

So far, if anything I'm thinking of doing a folding desk or a folding plastic table just for some relief. 

Not to get too ahead of myself, but MINT finally projected reaching my FIRE goal in 2022! It's been 2023 or later all along. I'm finding it harder and harder not to check my balances every day!

But I think it will take a lot longer to shift my mind than I thought because I could probably quit today and be somewhat okay but the thought just doesn't appeal to me. Now that I know I can leave, it's almost turned into a game of how long can I stick it out?! Ha. Financial confidence is a funny thing. 

My next big goal is to try to ride this gravy train through the summer. I want to try to enjoy myself, but I have no idea what that looks like. Firstly, working 8 hour days or less!

Summer officially starts on Monday so maybe this weekend will be a good kickoff.