Vacation Day 5: Am I hashtagging?

 Have you seen that Progressive commercial? It just makes me laugh. People are so creative and funny. 

I'm so grateful for the 22 seasons of the Rollofs on Little People, Big World. It has definitely helped anchor these vacation days. I didn't watch much of it yesterday, but I was able to find different things to click around and fill my day. 

I did not drink enough water though because I have a screaming headache. And my tooth is still being weird.

I did rebinge some more of A Purple Life. Man, am I grateful for people who share their numbers along the FIRE journey. 

While she's not technically single, her financial state is the closest to mine. Well, was. 

Here are the articles I want to remember to reference:

https://apurplelife.com/2019/10/15/should-i-quit-in-11-months/ 

https://apurplelife.com/2020/07/23/500000-at-30-i-hit-my-fire-number/

She was just shy of $400k in the first link and still felt confident to FIRE 11 months later. 

The sheer fact that she can confidently rely on life going somewhat the way she wants is a privilege I have yet to experience.

Even being the closest as I've ever been to FIRE 500, I'm still pretty leery of shouting it from the rooftops for fear of jinxing it. Now I can only think of worst case scenarios. 

Work has picked up today so it's been a weird week. Since I'm trying not to openly talk about My Buddy anymore, I'm leaving the gossip to the blog. She actually ran a report today, haha.  I think one of her own doing. Wow!  My manager actually scheduled a 1.5 hour session next week to discuss roles and responsibilities. So curious to know how that will go. What should my approach be - active or passive participant? Who knows. 

I'm not putting too much faith much will be resolved in 1.5 hours. I fear it's going to be a lot of conversation and rehashing the past with nothing really resolved. Oh well, I'm doing my best to enjoy this 2 year ride. 

I sent an email to my racist friend. I decided he's my control (like a placebo). Lately, when I reach out to old ghosts, I will sometimes reach out to him to see how he responds. 

I sent an email to an old college friend who I've been trying to reconnect with without success. I'm not sure why honestly. 

I was reading an internet article about reconnecting and it kind of outlined some of the reasons people reach out - 

- a quick hello

- a deep dive catch-up

- or re-enter each other's lives more fully

I always want #3, but I think more people are fine with #1. 

That was the issue I had in 2015 when I sort of got rid of my phone. The quick hello was always confusing via text or fb message. Once something is activated, I always want to go full force. Then I get disappointed when the other person doesn't feel that way.

Because it's been harder to make new friends than I anticipated I have been thinking about opening myself back up to texts. It doesn't feel right but I don't know what else to do. Desperate times. 

It's like being in a bad relationship. Lots of people choose an unfulfilling relationship over being alone. I dramatically chose being alone as of 2015 but I think I'm doubling back to unfulfilling friendships just to try to jumpstart this social life.

I was thinking yesterday - so let's say I achieve some semblance of work balance. I truly only work 40 hours/week. What the heck am I supposed to do with the remaining time? 

So that's how we got here. 

I don't love the unfair exchange rate that happens for every hour over 40 that I work but it's not like I have anything better to do. I think for me, it's a combination of not getting paid but also not really making any impact. It'd be one thing if you were working 80 hour weeks to actually achieve something that matters like working on a house or building a dream. But the stuff I do doesn't matter in the end- editing documents and cleaning up messes and running dumb reports. NO ONE CARES that's why they're in the state they're in. 

The little fires either  burn out or ignite bigger fires that I can't control.

I don't hate my job by any means, I just feel aimless. I think that's always been an underlying issue.