Sunday, April 30 Reflections

 I'm feeling good. Not sure why. I heated up some frozen Trader Joe's bulgogi and rice. Good call on getting a skillet dish that already had the rice in it! Yay, me!

I just opened the window. And when I woke up this morning I decided that after 5p, I'd just settle in on TLC. And that's what's on.

After cooking/heating up my 3rd meal in big silver skillet with success, I felt good enough about moving forward with just ordering a simple meal kit. I picked 3 meals that required very little stovetop time. I found 2 baking sheets and I have some foil, so that worked out. I used a new signup coupon code, so that cut the cost down to $20+ for 6 meals. (This is compared to about $80+ in food and snacks for my first week here. As I type that, it's really not that much, but it seemed like a lot in my head! Haha.)

Anyway, it was kind of rainy and I didn't want to go through the mental task of picking out a restaurant or going back to the grocery store to think of new groceries, and since the stove and pot were working good enough, I went ahead with it. I ordered from Marley Spoon (eventhough I have points I can redeem for Hello Fresh). After some mild deliberation and actually going back to log-in, I decided to get double the servings. So instead of 2 servings for 3 meals; I got 4 servings for 3 meals. I knew it was unlikely I wanted to do a lot of chopping for say 6 meals, but I only have a little over 2 weeks of meals I need to mentally think about.  So after saving my box for just the 6 portions, I went back and added double portions. It was only an extra $20. 

I think between yesterday and today ... scrolling through restaurants and menus just became too much, it's just easier to eat what I have here.  

Plus it was a pretty low-risk proposition to get double the meals for just $20 as that's about how much 1 meal out was going to cost.

In this case, price was less of an issue as convenience. As much as I enjoy getting takeout, choosing and the price of it just felt like more than I was willing to do. 

Anyway, all that to say, after 1st deciding not to get a meal kit because the apartment wasn't up to my standard, I changed my mind. And I'm okay with it. Look at me being flexible! 

And as for the servings, I think it's a good value proposition overall. I think I have about 16 days to feed myself after the box comes, not including my travel days. So 12 meals is a good default plan. And look, if I find it's too much, I won't do it again. Again, for $20 it was a safe bet. I even splurged when I realized I'd be getting 8 potatoes, and switched half to sweet potatoes for about $2 extra. Big spender over here! 

I picked

- salmon and asparagus

- hamburgers (ended up craving hamburgers today and couldn't decide on a place; that's probably what started this whole thing)

- chicken fajitas

I like that I have a range of meats to eat and a good variety of meals!

The other plan was just going back to get the frozen meals I ate this week from TJs. My fave was the noodles. 

Moving

I vacillated a bit yesterday if any of it was worthwhile, but today, I'm feeling just a teensy bit more sure I'm selling my house. So I went from serious turmoil and fear of making the wrong choice; to settling at making a decision at the 6 month mark; to being more sure I want to sell. I don't know if my percentage is at 5 % or 55%, but I'm feeling good about selling my house. 

The Next Four Months. 

All the waiting and trying not to plan was making me anxious and angsty, so I've made a small plot of the next four months.

May - Philly; enjoy last moments of solo time; took the pressure off doing Pilates 3x before leaving here (moved to 3x before moving to Newtown); I probably do still need to leave the apartment a few times a week to maintain sanity though

June - Seattle; have fun; live a fantasy romance; fantasy getaway; pretend I have a summer lake house; I'm feeling more and more sure I want to go back to Seattle for one more summer; I checked Meetup and Sean is still active on there; and now you can message him, so I might do that, if he doesn't show up to the Boardgame meetup; LinkedIn said his job ended so I was getting worried he might leave Seattle; I'm still going to contact Dan, just not sure when or how; I daydreamed a bit about one of my original Hinge love interests - Jamie. 

*Jamie - I used to think I was asexual because I don't feel that lusty sexual attraction people claim to feel when they look at someone. I've been carnally attracted to exactly 2 men in my life - a man named Andrew...once in a grad school computer lab; he could have undressed me right there and I would have consented; but nothing ever happened; but I felt the electricity I read and hear about; that was almost 20 years ago; And the second man was Jamie - a guy I had a couple virtual dates with during the pandemic; he told me never to contact him again because although I felt strongly I knew what I was doing with dating, I didn't.  I doubt I'll ever feel that way about anyone again since it's happened so rarely. 

Anyway, I'm hoping Seattle will still be fun and I can leave the city (with me) in better shape than I did my last couple trips. 

July - last days in NC; plan to just try to enjoy anything NC-specific like the beach, barbecue; and I made a packing zone list to tackle packing. So I made about 4 zones, and my thought is to spend no more than 4 hours, one day a week packing until it's all done. I want this to be an easy breezy move with as many conveniences and as few aggravations as possible.

August - will be moving time! I want to close on my house; visit Newtown; do all the logistics that can only be done near the end of the timeline; and then move the last week of August

And so ends the toxic relationship with my long-term partner, the State of North Carolina. Good riddance to bad rubbish, as the saying goes! I'm getting a divorce! We're separating? In one version of this story, I did the thing they tell you to do when you're in an abusive relationship...make a plan to leave; store up secret money, and carefully time your exit. Or maybe I'm breaking up and making out with a hefty payout. That's a win. It's always nice to get a little alimony... oh divorce settlement! Reparations! I don't know what you want to call it. Even the house is giving me a bit of a rebate for living there. Time served! 

Mood Tracker

Let's see where we landed for April 2023

Green days (green means good): 16 days

(goal: 16 green days/mon; means more than half)

Red days (red generally means crying): 7 days

Notes: They can overlap. It's just if I register a mood on that day. I can have many moods in any one day. As a reference, March was a recent not great month. I had 6 green days and 12 red days. Yikes! The green goal is really a new thing. I wanted to figure out a way to track how I felt ...or rather progress when/if I made the move. I wanted data to show to myself that I was improving because I didn't understand the mood score as the numbers varied very little, as in decimal point difference. That impact required more analysis than I was looking for. So, I just nominally decided, wherever I move to, I wanted to feel good most days than not (4x/wk or more). The baseline is neutral. Which sometimes I don't even reach neutral. 

Enough of that. I just wanted to get in habit of documenting this metric on this here blog since I rarely document financial numbers with any regularity anymore (because the numbers don't change much as everything is on some version of auto-pilot...and oh yea...I already hit my goal! Can someone please remind me I already won!! ).

Life left

Every now and then I get this reminder that I'm closer to death naturally being almost 40. After 60, no matter how young I feel, I am justifiably old. I am quickly approaching old age! So it changes my perspective a bit. Like, do whatever I want to do- now! There's literally not much time left! 

Being Mean

So I was actually mean to an old fart on a dating app who had the nerve to tell me I wasn't adventurous enough for him. I told him a thing or two that he wasn't meeting the mark on. I think a weekend of watching true crime shows of men feeling justified to hurt women has me in a mood. Apparently, it's a thing called femicide that quite a few organizations are documenting, tracking, and advocating against. I know this hate against women is my cause, I'm just unclear how to engage. 

Anyway, contrary to what I've been taught or conditioned to believe... it felt much better to get back at that guy than to walk away. People feel pain, I'm not sure where this idea of being the bigger person comes from. It's stupid. When someone hurts you, you can hurt them back. There's no reason that only 1 person has to feel the pain. We feel pain for a reason, it teaches us not to do that thing again. That's a lesson everyone needs to learn. Pain is natural, it literally is how our body was designed to remind you not to do dumb stuff.

Other thoughts

It's Sunday and it's almost 8p and I don't feel the Sunday scaries. I think it's probably because I'm not hungry. Or I felt some sort of accomplishment with ordering the meal kit. Or because I don't have any tasks due tomorrow. Yesterday I didn't feel that great nor Friday. I'm sure I've cried in the last week or so. But right now, I feel fine. 

I'll try again this week to get out of the house. I want to snap a photo of the LOVE sign an another random Philly landmark. 

Also in watching these shows and just recalling all the duds I've encountered in my life, I realized I too have high standards. So while I'm lonely and bemoan the lives of those who are in good healthy relationships, I know a bit of what my holdup has been- I still believe I'm the prize so it's still hard to fake it even if the world wants me to believe I should be grateful for scraps. 

Everytime I read a mommy blog, I want to celebrate her, but I also find it gag worthy. I want to read a daddy blog where he counts all the trials and tribulations and all the work he puts into maintaining his marriage and being an exceptional dad. Oh wait, that doesn't exist. 

I know I get in these pits of despair and pin every negative feeling to the fact that I'm not married, but intellectually I know there are few marriages I admire or want for myself. I want a relationship to benefit me more than it benefits him. I am a bargain hunter. I want to get a lot without putting a lot of effort into it. I'll maintain what I've always believed - trophy wives and gold diggers get the best deal. And if I could go back and do it all over again, I would choose that life. 

I still choose the first thing

 So part of what I try to do to soothe the College Incident (The 2001 Incident) is say wow, if only I could have told my younger self that going to community college and then professional school was a hack I would later be proud of, I could have saved myself so much distress.

But that plays into the godly pre-destination I was conditioned for. As in, if I had trusted God or the circumstances around me to work for my good, I would have had a better emotional outcome.

But today, when I'm feeling down, I reject that notion that I should have just been happier with this other choice. When I graduated high school, I wanted to go to college and have that great 4 year experience and the life long friendships that The Messaging promised me. I was going to meet my lifelong friends, have deep meaningful impactful conversations about the human condition and the world at large; I was going to be in the company of game changers and by proximity be a game changer myself; I was of course going to meet my husband. And frugality was never a concept I would have to know.

It's only because those things didn't happen that a new set of priorities has risen to the top. Sure, now I hold onto frugality like a prized trophy because I was better at that than earning money. But if the choice was wealth or a well defined frugal muscle, I choose the first thing! 

I crafted a life and had a vision of a life that would make me happy. I don't have it and the alternative doesn't make me happy. 

My brain wants me to believe that I didn't get to finish Fancy NC School because God was protecting me from what turned out to be a devastating outcome living in NC. But that logic doesn't fly. Why did I get in at all? I obviously didn't see his mercy. I had all the confidence from getting in when I didn't need to. Why were no other schools entered into my orb of influence. That makes no sense. 

Lately it feels like my choices are:

- Sad in NC

- Afraid in Newtown

- Overpriced in Philly

- Invisible in Seattle

I looked up Douglas's number last night and called it. So when I did text him from an unknown number and he didn't respond, I wonder if he knew it was me? Somehow I think yes. 

Sidenote - I don't think CBT is rooted in reality. 

Yesterday I walked to Whole Foods.

What a difference vs Whole Foods NC!

I was not the unicorn black girl. I did not feel out of place. I found myself doing some of the learned behavior from NC - making room for white people, making myself feel small for white people, doing what I can to make white people feel less afraid and more comfortable, and it all seemed unnecessary. When I would step to the side so they can pass, it was unwarranted. They just found their own path. When I would try to avoid their purses or carts, they just moved closer. It was like I was just a regular person. Imagine! No purse clutching or awkward glances or silences. They were just busy people going about their day. No forced smiles or discomfort. I forgot what it was like to be human!

But there were no greetings or eye contact or exchanges. But I was A-okay with it! 

Did I tell you, I think some of my texting anxiety stems from White Trauma. Being pulled into a room after a seemingly innocent exchange and reprimanded for my behavior. 

This is where I start to feel shame. I'm in this toxic relationship with NC and I've tolerated it. It has knowingly left me broken, bruised, suicidal and yet I stay. I'd rather end my life then walk away (for fear that I will never be whole again). 

I'm just so tired of starting over. 

I don't feel confident that what I want is achievable. I don't know where to start.

I'm hearing my counselor say - well what are other people doing. It just irks me. It's like the abuser who only abuses you and everyone thinks they're a great guy. And no one believes you. I think I hate him. 

But I don't know which feelings to trust. It's probably not a good thing that I'd rather my house burn down then have to make a decision. But I don't know which feelings to trust. 

In this moment, I don't want to go back to NC. But that's because I don't want to make the wrong choice. I can't trust that feeling because when I have a job to do at work, I want to quit my job rather than have to go through the stress of doing the work. 

So I don't know if it's that feeling. 

I just don't know which feeling to trust. 

I think I have to break up with NC. And it feels hard, but maybe it's my last act of defiance. 

But that means I choose life, and honestly I'm not ready. 

But maybe I just take the win. I take the $50k and skip out of town. #Reparations.  After 12 years of suffering. Geez. That's barely 4k a year. But living here also afforded me the ability to save a ton of money in a short time. I would have to totally shift my mindset on the experience and my outlook. 

In this moment, I feel ready to sell my house. I don't think I want to go through the turmoil of listing it fully. I want to take the cash offer and book it. 

The next thing is deciding if Newtown is the right next step. My initial thought is No. I don't want to re-traumatize myself. I just remember when I was in professional school, I was so jealous of a classmate who was moving to Portland after because he was going to work retail so could work anywhere. And I wanted that portability. Now I have it. So I feel like the West Coast is Mecca but now I'm not so sure. I think it was just such a sharp contrast to NC. 

I am now feeling leanings toward the East Coast. I just have more information than I did 8 years ago that I'm still processing. 

Feeling a little down

 Sigh. 

It's Thursday and I'm feeling a little down. I probably should stop watching all these dating and relationship shows. I joined Coffee Meets Bagel for the second time this week. Grr.

I wanted to text Dan. I found his profile and I see the part about wanting deep conversations and those being important. If only.

I just wonder about my excitement to move to Newtown while also keeping my house. The safe plan of planning to move back here makes me think what's the point. It's kind of a pre-nup in a way. Both parties get to leave with what they came into the relationship with. 

If I'm coming back anyway, why all the upheaval.

When I think about just saying F it, and just move to Newtown, I'm not even that tempted. I don't see a longterm future there. I'm so far away from everyone I know (even if I don't see or talk to them much). I've been living in NC for 12 years. Even if I hate it, it's familiar. 

Where does this all fit into my longterm plan. That's what I'm struggling with. Deciding to come back here makes it feel like what's the point. If I'm going to die here anyway. But deciding to go somewhere after feels hard and scary. 

The house is a tangled safety net around my neck. 

I just have so much history of things ending, that this seems like a futile exercise. 

I'm cold and it's cloudy and I just want to take a nap. Maybe a forever nap. 

Simulation Test Run

 So yay, our jobs are safe. So I wanted to check in with myself, especially after briefly touching on it in therapy.

Basically this re-org could have gone a different way. And I happen to find myself in Philly.

So how do I feel and what would my next steps be.

Well, I can say I'm definitely glad I still have Cheap House. So this affirms for me I'm not ready to increase my cost of living.

Considering I sent out some resumes for what I thought were easy jobs to get and have heard not nary a word affirms that it's still hard to get a job.

Maybe in actual distress, I'll have new solutions, but my professional network is pretty dry at this point. At least 1 of my old bosses from Call Center #1 has moved on and from what I can tell there was some sort of dustup in Aug 2022 where a lot of people had job changes. 

(Also my old man counselor gives me pretty grandfatherly advice sometimes.)

So what would this look like had I moved to Philly and in fact found myself separated from my job.

Let's say it was for a June 1 effective date.

Presumably, I had no severance. What would my next steps be. 

So I'm in a 12 month lease. I gave up my house and let's say I got the full $50k.

Let's say my all in housing costs are $2500/mon, including parking, etc.  And I live where I live now. 

Hmm. 

What do I feel? 

Probably some distress.  Shock. A little bit of I told you so. 

Well I feel okay that the $50k is burning a hole in my pocket. 

How much more money do I have? From now until end of May.

That's 3 paychecks of $3700/pp.

So I have about $11k coming my way.

Well I definitely stop auto-investing.

I think I decide to stay. I have about $60k to live it up for a year which incidentally was the projected budget for my fancy life. 

A little bummed I didn't take more vacation. Is it too late? Do we get paid for unused vacation? I think so! Ok so not as bummed. So sweet, let's add on another 1.5 pay checks. 

So now I have about $65k coming my way. 

So once the dust dies down - I feel good that financially I can afford my fancy life for a year.

Would I try to get out of my lease? 

Do I look for another job? 

Do I enact FIRE 500...can I if I don't have my Cheap House? 

I'm really not sure. For all the anxious feelings I have. I feel a little dead inside...feels like the wrong word. But just kind of frozen in place. 

The issue doesn't become just getting my immediate needs met, luckily. But what's the long-term plan. 

I don't even know where I'd look for a job and after signing up to live a footloose and fancy-free life, I don't think immediately grinding to look for a job sounds like the plan either. 

But I do think if I'm going to be unemployed, I'd rather be doing it somewhere else than Philly. Another country sounds more adventuresome. I'm not really experienced enough as a Widgeter to try to get another job doing that, but I guess I could. What choice do I have?

I guess, move back to NC and try to get a job in retail. There have been quite a few emails coming my way about that. 

Obviously, I'd try to get back into the Call Center. That might be my first step, just reach out to anyone I know in any of the call centers. 

I think it would have to go from there...

If I could get a call center job let's say at $80k, I'd probably just keep the apartment for a year and look for something cheaper next year. That's my initial thought. In that scenario my mindset would probably still look at it like a pre-retirement. My financial focus would probably be to fund my lifestyle first and then savings later. Because I think the scenarios I ran still had my FIRE Fund increasing nicely over the next 5 years. 

I would probably only move back to NC if the only job I could get was retail. Or even first job. And if that were the case, then yes, I would probably have to figure out how to break my lease. I would have to go where the job was.

I have a pretty low level of confidence I'd be able to get another Big Corp job. Oh! I could actually try to reach out to my old boss at my current company. They actually have an opening! Yasss! That feels like a very viable option actually! And I already live here (in Philly!). 

So I would probably initially put in some level of effort; but I'd like to think I would cool off after awhile and try to enjoy. But that is unknown. 

Then if after a year and I've run through my available cash with no job, I would have to enact early retirement. At that stage I would be putting together my plans to move back. It's unlikely I could stay in Philly. So it would be easier and simpler to return to NC. Or really anywhere else. But I'd probably start with NC. I know in my old college town, I could get a simple apartment. I don't know how I would manage airport rides though. But that would be a first step. Plus on a lean budget, not sure how many airport rides I would need. 

So in the end, FIRE wins again. 

So the real downside of not having the house, is having to go through the exercise of finding a suitable place to live in my budget. Which sounds hard. But ultimately, manageable. 

Phew. In all the scenarios, I do not end up destitute on the street or on the pole (laugh). 

Now I almost feel like I do want to run out the clock with my job. I think in the next 2 years or so, there will be some more changes, so I'm very curious to see how that looks. I think more and more I can believe that my career is coming to a close both by and not by my own choosing. Luckily, I discovered FIRE and it will be a buoy in the storm ahead. 

Yay. 

So in summary, I would probably do some mix of enjoy funemployment and applying for jobs until my available cash ran out. Then I would have to enact early retirement! 

Wed, Philly Day 4

 So that 3 day slump is here. I need to get out of the house today. I think this lack of sunshine is bringing me down. The apartment faces east but I think this high rise and the general cloudy day and the tinted windows are blocking all the light. The apartment is overcast. 

It's been great for sleeping, but I need some light. Well this helps affirm the struggle would have been real living in Seattle in the fall. 

But if I don't get outside or leave this apartment today, I will probably start crying. 

The rental company is giving me grief about this hairy floor. Good thing I had the sense to just sweep up a little so I could focus on work. 

Yesterday, my brother confirmed he won't be able to house sit. Boo. So, now I'm changing my mindset and considering that The House is my vacation house and I need to winterize it. Is turning off the water just in case of pipe breaks because of freezing temperatures or do pipes just break randomly? 

So I think the short list is:

- Turn off the water supply in the house

--------- Drain the faucets and toilets (optional)

- Turn off the water heater at the breaker

-------- Doesn't seem that crucial to drain the water heater, plus I don't know how

As far as electricity - unclear.

I discovered a website yesterday called Roomies. I might try it out closer to my transition date to see if I get any bites. Luckily that site offers background check and credit check; so I'm okay with that as an alternative. 

But I think the default plan is to winterize/ weather proof the house. 

Timely or not, my team underwent a reorg. We had a meeting yesterday and changes go into effect Jun 1. While it didn't occur to me at the time, this is literally what was in the back of my mind when making a big HCOL move to say Philly. What if at Day 0 I suddenly have no income. Yikes, right! So it just pulls into focus how tenuous income can be. Even with a large FIRE safety net, it's still unnerving. I would be a little upset and quite unsettled if I landed in my fancy apartment with no source of income! But you have to live, right? People do these things all the time.

Background Check - done!

 Yay! Another good decision by team MERJ. I'm so glad I decided to prioritize submitting for my background check last night. I woke up this morning to an email that it was complete!

I didn't even have time to fret about it. I wish all decisions in life were like that!

Well those were the 2 big items for my big move to Newtown, and now they are done. This is officially happening people!!!

New name, Newtown. 

Whoops, have to focus!

Newsflash: I want love!

 My therapist mentioned it and it really resonated with me. Seems obvious and maybe I know it on an intellectual level, but it all seems so obvious and evident. 

I was just really disappointed about how I'm still trying to connect with Dan. And she was like, maybe you just wanted some attention, some time, energy.  Yes, yes, yes! 

Maybe I'm looking for love. I don't know that I've fully realized or verbalized that. Or if I have, I've forgotten.

It just seemed to make a lot of sense because I was trying to figure out a couple things:

- how to apply lessons from the College Debacle

- what my life is going to look like (what I'm trying achieve)

I'm looking for love. So if I'm applying the lessons from 2001, I can begin to appreciate that Love isn't going to look like the fantasy but that's the underlying motive. It rings true. It's going to look different, but I hope I can recognize it. 

The phrase Love Potluck comes to mind. This is actually a dating event, but I'm going to apply it to my life.

With a 97% failure rate for the Romantic Fantasy Love I imagined, it's virtually guaranteed that any love I experience in the future is going to look completely different than I envisioned. So that makes it hard and scary and might be harder to recognize. But somehow, maybe a little exciting because I know the outcome... in so far as what it's not. Like I can stop wanting this thing because it doesn't exist, you know. 

It might be some friends. It might be a community. It might be scary old white people. It might be short-term love. It might be fleeting. It might be superficial. It's scary, but wait and see!

Made it to philly, check-in and some tears...and some Newtown Plans

 The thing I want to get off my chest. I cracked. I was just mentally fatigued with all the people around me in pairs or families. I want to be confident and happy traveling solo. But it's tiring. And I think that white man's family vacation with his daughter celebrating her 40th birthday stuck with me a bit. How much love and support she must feel. ( I spent my last birthday crying...and there's a very real possibility my next birthday will be exactly the same.)

My backpack was getting heavy carrying around my laptop. And I think I traveled with just way too much stuff. And Delta's annoying flying to Philly because a very short trip ended up being a very long trip. I left my house at 2p and didn't check into my lodging until midnight. That's 10 hours. I could have driven or taken the bus in that much time. And been just as aggravated but not out $600+ dollars. 

I'm more aware of grievances these days because my equilibrium is hair-triggered.

Anyway, sitting in that darn airport on a 2 hour delay after traveling the opposite direction for 2 hours left me forlorn. I downloaded 2 apps and contacted Dan. I'm not sure why... but I just made it worse because I needed to cover my shame. I messaged him thinking it was cute but it probably just came off as crazy and immature. I just sent him a picture of my sneakers and my brown skin. Surely, he would know it was me (and he would remember how much he loved me and we would ride off into the sunset). He responded right away with Who is this? And instead of just replying...I just went into crazy girl mode. I sent no less than 20 text messages in my monologue. And then he stopped responding.

It hurts. I cried a little. Then cried some more and cried again.

I was just thinking during my many hours of the airport... that I'd like to visit Seattle again. I'd be lying if I said if it wasn't to rekindle something with Dan or Sean. When will I ever grow up. I hate to catastraphosize or put myself down - but why am I still so silly. I'm so ashamed. And I just messaged him again. I'm at 50 to his 5. But we're just friends right? 

I don't even know why I kept his contact info. (But also it's very easily googleable.) And then I proceeded to re-delete all images and screenshots of Sean. I didn't even remember him sending me those sweet messages. Oh well. It'll probably take until the end of my life to get over these last duds but here we are. 

Things that went well today: 

- Got a ride to the airport on the first try

- And got the number of the driver for next time! 

- Utz kettle style classics - yum

- Ginger ale

- There was 24 hour check-in with a human at my new place

- I waited way too long to get out of surge pricing...but I saved $20. Not worth the 1 hour of waiting but here we are. How much is my time worth? Well it definitely would've sucked to have waited and still not get the reduced fare. (Well, I guess it was closer to a 20 minute wait for the reduced fare.)

Dan feels like My Racist Friend situation all over again - why are you nice to me but also won't love me? Why do you hate me? Why do I hate myself to keep doing this? 

Here's the latest schedule I came up with for the summer

Philly- May

June to July 4: Seattle

Aug 1st weekend - visit Newtown and pick out apartment; sign lease

August, last weekend - move in; was stuck on moving in on a Monday or Tues; my original plans were to do a three day drive that started on Friday, so take Friday off. But when I did a dummy booking with real dates for the rental furniture, I realized moving in on over Labor Day was not going to work out as a lot of those days were blocked. So I think I might do my three day drive starting on Saturday and landing in Newtown on Monday. If I leave the rest-stop early enough Monday morning, the idea is to pick up my apartment keys that day and schedule the furniture delivery for that day as well. 

That might seem rushed and I'm trying to move away from that mindset of saving the last dollar and making things harder than they need to be. This is supposed to be a fun adventure, not some budget hard economic thing. But old habits...

I think I still might just get an extra night in Newtown for Monday night, just in case. That way I can rest or at least drop off my stuff and have Tuesday to unpack as needed.

I'm trying to make this move/transition as easy and convenient and pleasant as possible. When it starts getting hard and overwhelming, I want to practice stepping back. 

I'm safe and I'm in control. 

2 hours and no hair

 So I finally sort of decided to get my hair done. It was on my decision tree. Since I'll be attempting Pilates in Philly and have a work meeting in a month. Picked out some styles.

Left after last work meeting and 2 hours later back at my computer.

My hair is in exactly the same condition.

What happened? Thank you for asking.

Well, I got dressed. Even applied some deodarant and found some new underwear from scary closet. New as in clean. Just to minimize the very smellable funk. I have some respect for my compadres after all. 

Went to Food Lion and decided on a banana to purchase to get cashback. I haven't really had a taste for bananas these last few years, but it was going to be worth it. Every single checker had a sign that they were not doing cashback right now. Grreat!

I promptly returned the banana I had decided on back to its original home. And walked out. CVS! The bank said this could be a fee free withdrawal. I pull in and remember... I don't actually know what fee free means. Last time I did fee free with a bank, my Bank did not charge me a fee but the ATM charged me a fee and I thought the ATM fee was what was going to be returned. It wasn't. So I wasn't really in the mood for an extra $3 fee, so I moseyed on down to Walmart in the other direction.

Aggravation dial turned up a bit. 

Was not lured by Walmart's bright lights and got my 1 banana and $100 cashback. Yay! 

Went to the nearby braiding place. All the chairs were full. It's 10 in the morning...don't you people have jobs!! (Yes, I'm talking to me too!) The lady says come back after 3p. Grrrrrr. 

So I try to use my technology and click around ... the reviews aren't that helpful so I just pick a place that looks close. None of them really look like a shop with multiple braiders. I drive to this place..get turned around a bit because I'm really not a city driver kind of girl. I get there and Maps tells me it's on the right and it's in fact on the left... 5 lanes away. Grr. So I pull into a random business and spot the new salon across the street. Great. How do I cross 5 lanes of traffic with no crosswalk?  Do I leave my car in this business ...will it get towed? 

Luckily I spot a nearby oil and lube place and ....woot! They do inspections. I can safely leave the car with them. Get back in the car and drive next door.  Leave the car with them and grab my two bags of cargo to make my way across the street. 

It takes a few minutes to find a break in the traffic to cross.

The salon is locked with a flashing open sign. I peek inside and no one is there. Grrr. So I call the number. She's "on her way". What style do I want? Send her pictures so she can tell me the price. I text her pictures. No response. Then 10 minutes later I notice missed calls from an unknown number. I call her back. $168 for the style I want. Is she crazy?! Plus $20 to wash. $200 for a 6-week style. Someone lost their mind.  She actually tells me thanks to get me off the phone. Hilar. 

I look across the street and my car is done. It takes me at least 5 minutes of waiting to cross the street again. I ended up standing in the middle turn lanes for a bit because I got tired of waiting.

I decide to just call it a day and head home. So I have $100 in my pocket and no hair style. Luckily I have a wig and decide to just rock a messy bun for my work trip or a wig-style. I've worn a wig exactly once in my whole life. 

I was already not feeling this hair doing day.

I decide instead of moving on down the line to go pay for my registration in person, I'm willing to suck up the $3 fee to be done with this and pay online. But I check my mail and the renewal paperwork is actually in my box. So I decided to pay by check via BillPay. Not sure what to include but hope adding my license plate number is sufficient. That check is cut and on its way.

I figure I have a month for them to figure it out. And if not, I'm happy to pay the $3 fee in May when I return. 

So, the hair saga is over. (For now.) The braid shop said they're closed tomorrow. How confused would I have been if I tried to go tomorrow. So it's either: do nothing; get it washed at the Dominican Salon tomorrow; or go back after 3p to see if they can cornrow my hair. Stay tuned! 

Why I might sell my house for less (and harder things)

 Even though my default position is to keep the house for the year (but with a built-in check-in with myself at 6 months), I'm still thinking about next steps.

If the right offer came along, namely one that would net me $50k, I would be very tempted. And I was thinking even at 6 months, I would still take that offer. Here's why.

I'm more aware that most of the townhomes in my neighborhood, especially the newly built ones, are renters. So the typical buyer in my neighborhood is likely an investor. And I just became aware of the 1% rule for real estate investments. Basically, the general rule is to buy a property that can rent for 1% of the purchase price.

My row of townhomes is renting for around $1200/mon so that would mean a good deal for an investor would be to get my house for about $120,000. To get the $50k net, I'm looking for, someone would have to buy my house for at least $130k. So the fact that Offerpad is offering me a little more than $120k is pretty good.

My guess is that these cash offers are coming from investors. I think for a fast sell, I need to be prepared that I might not get my full $50k net. To fully list and get something $130k or greater, I would probably need to wait for a home owner. Which given the average household income for my area is around $50k, it might be a long wait. And my neighbor even told me that she was only pre-approved for somewhere around $110k, so she wouldn't even be qualified to buy her own house. Weird, right! 

So I think armed with the movement of the neighborhood, I would be more comfortable moving forward with the numbers I've already received. Plus barring any major work, I still have 4 years of a maintenance fund. 

So it's all looking good. As much as FIRE teaches us optimization, this is definitely a good enough situation for me. Maybe I'll get more if I list and wait and go through the full process. But for me, fast and easy is a bigger priority than 'all the money.'

But let's be clear, this is all free money to me because the best I hoped for when I moved in is that I wouldn't be underwater when it was time to sell! So let's not get too entitled. And I'm pretty sure the only reason selling is even on the table for me is because home values increased! 

But for now, I still think waiting and seeing how the move goes is a wiser choice than jumping all in.

I was reminded today just how much more burdensome my life is compared to other members of my peer group. My white male therapist was describing a vacation he took recently with this 40 year old stepdaughter. I was thinking wow - how much support she has. Using the framework of mine of physical, emotional, and financial support... she has a partner and at least 3 parents and kids to offer her an abundance of emotional support...that's 3 generations of love and support! Then a partner for the day to day labor of raising one's self and the backup of parents. So in the case of me, if she needed to move, she has help packing and moving, and maybe even just input with logistics. And for financial support, that's 2 able-bodied adults that can get jobs. Where I have to financially support myself. If I move and sell a house, I have to do all the heavy lifting and carry the mental load, and manage any financial ramifications. Plus if she needed additional financial support, her parents could probably pitch in in a bind. 

Where I am having to carry every single load for every single task in my life. Every. Single. Task. 

So in the spirit of doling out grace, I need 3 extra helpings. I think it's underappreciated just how difficult living alone is as an adult. I have to keep myself alive, clothe, house, and feed myself. PLUS work a full time job. And manage my emotions and the suffering inflicted by the masses, big or small. Can I get a cookie?! 

Any little threat threatens to tumble this house of cards I call my life! The fact is there's just no one I can reliably call on for help if I needed it. Even just for the everyday stuff. This is ultimately where I feel God/Christianity let me down. I need physical (financial/emotional) help now, not spiritual help in eternity. 

I need a parade. Some kudos. How have I managed to stay alive at all for this long! Go, me! I mean geez louise! 

In other news, I decided to open the window in the bedroom eventhough it's 2a. It's just hot and miserable in here.  I just can't figure out this summer sleep! I'm thinking a timed fan might help.

Side note: still happy!

2a. As I re-read this, I think I figured out how this relates to The Incident of 2001. I was so bummed I didn't get to go to Top School. And spent about 3 years crying over it. I felt like my life ended.

It's 20 years later that I finally realized there were other paths.

In trying to speed up the 20 years it took to get over that situation, I think my most recent troubles with life is just that - I need help. I never envisioned having to do so much and live so much of my life alone and without support. It's one thing to be independent and free, but quite another to be alone. Trying to lean into it for the last 8 years or so just hasn't worked. That's just fact. 

I just don't know how much work I'm willing to put into rectifying the situation because I'm still unclear what I'm trying to achieve. I can't seem to verbalize what the endgame here is. 

I got the thing!

 I'm so happppppppppy! You'd think I just got into college. Wheeeeeeeeee! I was in the middle of my anxiety management plan.

I walked 3 laps around Walmart - outdoors. I was a woman on a mission! I did my 2 hours of work stuff. Did my therapy appointment.  Then I was on Operation Snackdown.

I'd gone to Walmart and purchased:

- Cookie dough (yum!, I had to scrounge through some packets to get the one I wanted)

- ham slices - not originally on the list but after my very sunny walk, cooking over a hot stove did not seem desirable; so I got sandwich meat as a backup

- bollilo rolls - again as a back up since wasn't feeling like cooking rice and stir fry after my sunny walk

- grapes - they were just there looking at me

- corn - also not on the list, so just bought 2 ears

the things I did go for: CornPops and Popcorn were out of stock. Of course. So I went to Dollar Tree to see if they had anything. And I thought I might want a water jug for my SnackDown and some chips, now that I had purchased sandwich stuff. 

But I checked my email (that I had forwarded to my work email, just in case)....and I found out the good news! Now my Philly trip feels like a victory lap!

I don't know where any of my decision trees are!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm just so pleased as punch, I can't form thoughts. Happiness and glee are so foreign to me I have no management plans for this!!!

I'm not even hungry. 

I need to get my hair done! Ugh........ I just want to be happy for a bit before I feel any other feelings. I hope this feeling lasts forever! 

Wed, 739a

 Well I woke up at 7a on the dot. I don't remember tossing and turning but I was definitely half-awake earlier than that. I guess I'll just have to wait for winter until I can enjoy good sleep again. It's just sweat and chills from now till December I guess.

In some angsty feelings, I applied for a job. I really just do better when I am working towards something. Since aggressive savings is done for now, I need something else to focus on. I know jobbing is a known trigger, but here we are. I almost prefer to hear nothing than to prep for an interview and wait for the rejection. Baby steps.

If I'm trying to use my rule of 3, then I've gone way past applying for med info mgr roles 3 times. But this is a newish rule so I haven't quite gotten on board. But, in general, I think 3x is a good data point for just about everything in my life. Results of 3 attempts provides good data. 

As much as I want to get anxious about the upcoming Friday decision, I just keep trying to tell myself to proceed as though it were a Yes. I can do this for the most part except for decisions that require non-refundable money.

Now that the GRL for our program has affirmed that they want our team's presence at the on-site meeting in May, I feel like I won't be able to slink in the shadows. The biggest implication is my hair. I could wear my wig which would be pretty easy, I think. But if I get confirmation on Friday about Newtown, I might get my hair braided because I want to start taking Pilates. 

I also used a Pilates studio to rein in the search a bit for DC housing options. There's a Club Pilates studio in Arlington and when I browsed Maps around that area an apartment complex called Riverhouse was spotted. I can't tell if their $1600 apartments are income-based or not, but that looks like a good candidate without looking too closely. And when I priced a UHaul the other day, it unfortunately would be cheaper to drive my 3 big pieces of furniture to DC vs chucking it and getting new stuff.  There is a part of me that wants to live unencumbered for a little while. But we shall see. 

Anxiety management

 I literally feel tired from crying the last couple of days. I already knew an anxiety storm was coming so I put some plans and snacks together for the next couple days.

Not sure if I want to go to the Boomer bowling event tonight, but we shall see. 

For the next two days, I'm going to make some stir fry beef, use up the remaining shredded carrots and add some peas to the rice.

I got some Jamaican food today, but I still have about 2 days worth of food in my gut, so things are not digesting well. 

I am going to treat myself to Apple TV plus and picked out a few shows to watch. I'm proud of myself for that. I questioned its necessity for a second then immediately got to planning. It's helping but hasn't eliminated my anxiety.

I already drafted an email to an old flame. Thought to reach out to an old friend instead but when I realized they hadn't responded to my message from 3 months ago, I thought whatevs. 

So I'm blogging instead.

I was on reddit earlier.

I'm watching another white woman get rescued in a TV show.

I feel 100% confident I am going to be selected and I am excited. (I'm lying, lol.)

I am safe, and I am in control. 

I feel 100% confident this is going to go my way.

It's weird how an email is going to change the trajectory of my life, she said dramatically.

Expect a lot of posts this week. And then it will be over. I wonder where my brain is going to spin to next. I'm going to try and stay awake until 1a tonight and see if that helps with sleeping through the night. 

I need some spreadsheets to fill out. 

Maybe I'll think about life solo and pretend it was by choice. Do whatever divorced women do. 

Restless nights

 Last night was a sleepless night. Tired of talking about the R word. Tired of bringing it up in therapy. Plus it's hot and sweaty then cold. And my heartburn is coming back. I guess it's here to stay and I need to be better about aggravating it. 

I guess my food just takes forever to digest. 

I had my remote interview earlier and I find out THIS WEEK if I get the gig. That's my second interview this year. And I put in a couple applications for jobs as well. Yeah, I remember now why I don't like this.

It is pretty cool that I'll find out this week. Before my trip to Philly. Yikes! I almost didn't want to know. How will I stand it. How to distract myself for the rest of the week.

I really should go get my hair braided but considering my work trip is only 2 days it feels kind of silly. I think I'm just going to go with a bun for work trip.

Everyday I feel a new set of emotions about moving and its implications. 

I think what caused a lot of dread and stirred up some old feelings was meeting with the Shoals remote people. It was 3 on 1 and it was all white people. I felt weird and it just reminded me this is what I'd be signing up for if I do this thing or move to another all white city. Groan.

Yesterday, I got lost in the clicking a bit with thinking about moving to DC. But luckily it didn't last long. But DC vs Philly, I think DC makes more sense because eventhough I don't enjoy hanging out with my family, at least they exist. It's tough to figure out what the value is there. Maybe it's intrinsic. But I think Meetup made DC make more sense. There is quite a bit more activity on Meetup in DC then Philly which was surprising. 

So then I was trying to figure out what neighborhood I would want to live in. I don't think the Maryland suburbs where my family lives is really the lifestyle I want. I'm just thinking about driving, the tiny spaces, and schools and big box stores. It's not for me at this stage. So there's an element of am I looking at a place for the short-term or long-term.  And honestly, I've lost track of what I'm trying to achieve. See because I'm not saliently unhappy everyday. 

There is a thought of trying Landing Standby for like 3 months to see which neighborhood I might prefer and/or see if I could do Standby for the long-term. Likely not. Either way, if I don't get one of these programs, I think the earliest I'd probably move is Spring 2024. 

Today, I'm trying to enjoy this nice weather. I'm pretty hungry and want to get some more Jamaican food.

Also, I refreshed my offer with Offerpad and it went up $1500! So I'm only about $4k from the $121k I'm hoping to net. Wouldn't that be hilarious. 

Anyway, I'm hoping to distract myself over the next two days. 

Monday and some Sunday news

 Yeah, yesterday was not good. There were 3 mini crying spells. I just feel so distraught that this is my life. Everywhere I turn, I'm just reminded it's not going to work out. Haven't you already tried that? I got stuck again on what I feel is my lost destiny.

If I believed in signs and destiny, then I was never supposed to be in NC. So retraced my steps to see if I could find the right road again. But I'm unsure. I really just don't think Maryland is the place for me. It's so crowded and I don't actually enjoy hanging out with my family members that much. But maybe it's the right thing to do. It honestly reeks of magical outcomes.

Good riddance to bad advice. Have you ever taken bad advice because it was popular even though you could easily foresee why it wouldn't work for you. I'm thinking about dating where the popular advice was to date a lot of people. Good idea in theory but for me it just gave me more negative DPs than positive ones. If I could go back in time, I would stick with my very tight screening method. Popular advice doesn't help me when I'm alone and crying and dealing with the fallout. Same with trying new things and trying to make it work here. That's not the solution to just find a hobby. 

I think I'm romanticizing destiny a little bit. I was pretty sad and defeated living in Maryland. I really wanted to go to Duke and I just felt like all my life's hopes and dreams had been ripped away from me. And going to Maryland for pharmacy school (which is what Mean Brain is telling me was my destiny) just didn't work out as easily. I'm going along with the thought that the right path would've been easier. I remember having to follow-up with them and even going onsite for them to approve my application for admission. And then they didn't offer me housing until the last minute. So it wasn't as though there was this clearly easy path.  It's only in hindsight when I see how spectacularly devastating the last 20 years of my life was that I can see clearly what the better option would've been. Although I've been pretty frugal for as long as I can remember. The cost of college just seemed a worthwhile cost. And at that time, smart kids didn't go to community college. That was just not the trajectory I was sold. It felt like this going away to college experience was owed me. It was the experience I wanted. 

Maryland still doesn't feel like the right decision right now, but maybe I should give it a chance?

I think last night, it finally just occurred to me that if I'm crying this much and all my notes speak about escape, maybe it's time to listen. Also my NC license expires in March of 2024 so while arbitrary it would be nice to not have to renew it for another 8 years. 

Right now, I'm still thinking I'll move to Newtown if given the incentive. And I'll do that in September. But if I don't get the incentive, I think ...well so many new ideas have popped off for the summer - mostly going buck wild...South Africa, Seattle....all the things. 

But mostly, I'm thinking I'll give it another year, just really try to check in with my feelings and have a clearer picture of what I want/ is it achievable. And then try again to move in Spring 2024...I'm looking at May again since there's some anchor bias that that is the best time to sell a house. 

In other news, I woke up at 8a for a meeting that got cancelled. Groan. I have a check in later and then therapy. Today would be a good day if I would stop weighing myself down with what the heck I'm going to do with my life. 

I think too leaving NC means I believe in signs which I'm not ready to delve full force into Christianity. But I do think more bad things than good things happened to me here. The fact remains that I remember vocalizing and feeling like being here killed my spirit. I remember vocalizing and feeling that I bought this house to die in. I remember formulating a plan to end my life here. I remember buying a pistol permit because I was 2 bad incidents away from ending my life. Those are facts.

But what's scary is while I'm focusing a lot on NC, I've had some of those feelings before. If my memory doesn't fail me, I think at least writing them down in 2010 which is a year before I came to NC. And I definitely used to dream about driving off the road when I was teaching in California. 

But I think that's why Maryland isn't really the fresh start I'm looking for either. I remember being pretty unhappy there. 

Sunday, 3a

 So I actually logged onto my email because I can't fall asleep (re: summer fan) to see if that draft email I deleted to Dan was still in my trash. It wasn't. I actually can't remember if deleted drafts get saved. 

But while looking in Drafts I came across some notes I wrote to myself in 2016 and 2017. In 2016 I was actually really into my finances and have no recollection of that. I was mostly toggling with contributions in my 401k plan because that's all I knew and a Roth IRA CD at a credit union. But somehow there was mention of Fidelity Go and Betterment. I don't even remember knowing those things! At the time, I was trying to build up to 20% savings because that's what the internet said to do. I was again making plans upon plans upon plans with dates and goals. Well, some things never change.

Then in 2017 my goals and thoughts were around:

- buying a house

- microaggression/ racist south

- a job I didn't see doing for 30 years (was having trouble with mean/irate customers at the call center)

- moving to the pacific northwest/ california or oregon, or sometimes the Northeast (but then I later wrote the Northeast seems dirty!)

- waiting on God

- trying to make my finances work with whatever decision I made - at the time I kept thinking it would be so easy to move if I didn't have to worry about having a job that I needed to do in NC. It would be so much easier at the time, I thought, if I worked retail because I could try to work retail in another state. Ha! I can work anywhere and I'm still stuck!

- I did make notes about how stuck I felt and it just felt like I might as well stay because it was cheaper to live here. (<<< still true)

- But there were RECURRING thoughts about escaping - leaving NC, moving abroad...some of my notes were almost to the date... April 16, 2017. That set of notes were mostly in the March/April timeframe off 2017. Not sure what was going on that time...other than switching teams to a team that demanded more. At that time, the goals was getting a job with USA jobs...and wouldn't you believe it...starting a blog, mostly to document microaggressions. (To be fair, I'd started a few blogs before right here on blogspot, so this isn't some dream deferred finally realized.)

.... As for moving abroad, I just wanted a break, an escape. I got tired of being black in the South and that extended to America. (Sometimes, I do wonder if that's why Duke didn't work out when I first tried to live in the South. Was that God? That still creeps in my mind from time to time.)

In that draft there was a quote about people being stuck in a less than ideal situation that doesn't hurt enough for them to make a change. Yep, me. 

It's just kind of sucky that all my old notes, mostly since living here (NC) point to the same themes - financial risk, emotional liability, escape (death or moving). But also not having a clear vision of what the next step is.

I opened the laptop at all today to write out how I feel I don't even have a safe square figuratively. I was hopeful that therapy would at least be a place I could unload my burden and have someone say, there, there, you're okay now. That hasn't happened. Is this white fragility? But honestly, except for in one instance, I don't think my black therapists were any better. 

I wish I could put this altogether and make it make sense.

It's probably not a good idea that I'm having homicidal thoughts. Suicidal ideation no longer scares me or is a good representation that I'm in a bad situation as it's pretty much a constant companion. 

I've sort of abandoned the idea of living abroad. Something about that seems temporary and I'm looking for more long term solutions. 

I was more ready to quit my job and escape 5 years ago... which I kind of did. At least quit...but didn't quite escape. 

The more contemporary version of quitting is quitting in place which I've done in my current position. Except, I'm definitely not ready to quit my job because I am 100% confident I will not find a job this well paying. 

At least at the call center I was pretty confident I could quit and be re-hired. But having had the job hunt disaster of 2019 I have a significantly lower confidence that I'll be rehired, kind of anywhere. Call Center #1 doesn't really seem to hire pharmacists anymore. 

Right now I've negotiated escape to taking off for 4 months out of the year. It's a less financially risky decision. But an emotionally uncertain one. That still leaves 8 months out of the year where I'm likely crying myself to sleep. 

I think part of me is trying to get a baseline of what I feel with a fully funded FIRE safety net. Somehow I feel even more at risk in some ways. Like I have more to lose, like I'm so close to the next big financial goal. Which I didn't feel in the early stages of my career. I just figured at that time, I'd quit for a year and come back. I had enough saved to take a year off and still have probably what I started off with before working. So I would be starting over with this great year off but I would return rejuvenated and not feel far behind at all. But I had no real longterm financial goals or plan. I was just settling in for the long haul...the 30 year traditional retirement. Even in my notes from the internet experts, I was doing what they said to have 1 million dollars by age SIXTY ONE (61). And that was what I knew. 

So taking that time off before settling in after the grueling climb to reach my career entry point made a lot more sense. 

I always maintain that these second place choices are where I get stuck. 

Just like some ended relationships feel unfinished; this relationship with the South feels unended. I'm still here in this toxic relationship with NC, and I'm now of the belief that even though the result is the same (I am choosing to be here vs being afraid to leave), it's okay because I'm getting some benefit out of it. 

I wish I had a really clear example of how life could be. In an achievable way. Just like how FIRE presented an achievable and clear picture of how my finances could look. That was way better. I wish I knew how great life could be so I can stop staying in this toxic relationship with NC. Because similarly, I feel like I'll be stuck here for the next 20-30 years because financially it makes sense. 

If these decisions are really the right decisions, then why do I feel stuck and I have to keep reminding myself that it's a good decision. 

Shockingly, there was also some thoughts/regrets about investing in real estate in my old college town. But with investments in the stock market, I feel okay with this. So why is this compromise more palatable than the compromise of staying here. 

I wonder if I could work in another country where my company has a location. Would I need to tell them? Would my pay change? 

Also...although it was barely mentioned, I'm pretty sure I had credit card debt and a private student loan then... it honestly wasn't weighing on my mind that much because I'm sure I was on some sort of payment plan. So IDK where this pre-occupation with financial stability has come from. Either way, both of those debts have been eliminated. Being (consumer) debt free is awesome!

(Side note: the idea of working abroad right now did sound a little exciting. But it is 3a on a Sunday and weekend feelings are not to be trusted!) 

P.S.- If I get to move to Newtown, I think it will be a really good test of living away from NC for a year. I'm actually feeling pretty amped in this moment to live abroad again even with white people. Just anything. Somehow the journey of re-discovering self appeals to me again. There's just so much data that this is something I've been longing for for YEARS if not at least a decade (or two).  The only thing that sticks out in my mind is this affordable housing. I need a fallback plan and this is it. I'm going to have to come back to the US eventually and to pay more when I could've paid less just feels really dumb. The easiest solution then would be just to rent it out. But for some reason, I'm not sure why that feels hard. Does it? 

Whoops!

 So I was having some anxious feelings about buying All pods with my free $10 promotional credit. And today I finally went to use it...they're liquid pacs! I don't know why I feel bamboozled. I think because the free trials of pods I'd gotten were some sort of solid or gel. These feel very liable to damage and I feel a bit scammed. They just repackaged some liquid soap. I think I thought I was getting a different product.

Plus I was counting on Pods as a way to travel with some detergent easily. There goes that. And I'm really not even sure how to use detergent in my machine since it's load sensing so doesn't really fill up with water enough for me to put the detergent in the water. Ugh, anyway, as I always fear when buying things in bulk, now I have this giant pack to finish. Oh, well.  This is not a life deal breaker.

Look at me - getting over things quickly!

Accomplishments:

- Yesterday, got some moo shu pork and plan to eat that over the next 3 days. 

- Made a quick 10 day meal plan to relieve some anxious feelings about what to eat before my trip. I can't believe I'm leaving next week. 

- Orkin is coming today

- Got 1 load of laundry in; stripped duvet cover and finally washing that

- Went into, not one, but 2 scary closets. I'm a big girl! 

It's a nice rainy day, so it'll be a nice day to stay in. 

Also didn't buy sugary cereal yesterday. But I'm realizing at my age any kind of restriction is better dealt with replacement behavior and a true understanding of what I'm trying to accomplish. Because while I left the Honeycomb and Cornpops in the aisle, I ended up walking out with a box of animal cookies. Whoops! 

It didn't even cross my mind what I was doing. They're tasty and they're usually sold out at Walmart, so it was an easy yes.

Speaking of Easy Yes, I made a list of things that would make staying in Newtown an easy Yes once the program is over:

1) sustained elevated mood

2) 3 friendships

3) sustainable social activity at least 3x/week

These aren't definite and I have the right to change my mind, but sometimes I forget what I'm looking for. So if in Mar of 2024, I find myself indecisive, I can just reference my notes (this is if I remember I have said notes!). 

At this point, the numbers suggest that I could make both a $60k and a $30k (leanFIRE+) budget work in Newtown, so the issue is really a lifestyle choice - do I want to keep being a homeowner? Somehow the influx of new residents in the newly built townhomes has got me vacillating on both. One can't help but pause  that people actually want to live here when I'm desperately trying to move out. It's cause for pause for sure. So on the one hand, it feels like an opportune time to sell my house if I really want to walk away with some money in my pocket. On the other hand, if other people want to live here, then maybe I should stick around and see. 

I was thinking last night that I had been to some meetups recently, and I realized I hadn't been all year. The only thing I've really done outside the house was 1 morning of volunteering with Science Olympiad in 3.5 months. Whoa, well I did kind of imagine this year would be me getting used to hanging around myself. The first 2 months of the year, I was sick and busy with work, so I didn't notice. I used the extra free time to sleep. Then March was a slow month and I spent most of it crying. Definitely my lowest mood to date, at least this year, if not since I've been tracking. 

I've significantly tamed contact with Maryland Aunty and Frenemy. Maryland Aunty moreso than Frenemy. But massive progress in both cases. 

Yes, friends. I'm really living this life solo.

It's so funny because the Meetup events seemed recent - like I just learned pickleball, and I did just go on that walk. But nope! My last Meetup event was Dec 3, 2022! That was 4 months ago! 

Today was payday, so that feels awesome. And New Bank was sending me alerts of my deposit that I didn't even remember setting up. So that feels like things are moving in the right direction! 

Having slept on it, I'm kind of loving the idea of getting a summer job, especially if I stick around this summer, and work is light. Not sure yet what that would look like, so we shall see. Oh! I might try those gig apps but my town is so small, who knows. 

What's keeping me up at night?

 It's after midnight and after a few late evenings on the office futon, my buns are sore. I doze off a bit before bed time as a teaser.

But a couple nights this week it hasn't been working. It's warm in the bedroom. And that makes it hard to sleep. 

There's a bevy of activity this week on my small lane. It looks like they are renting the townhomes across the street - all of them. And I'm sure the other ones are rented as well. They're renting for 1% of the purchase price, just like the internet said. I wonder if the builder sold it to his own property management company in some kind of tax avoidant scheme. 

But also it made our home values go up. 

Even at $1500/mon, I was tempted to rent out my place just to get in on the action, but still when I think about it... I want simple. I try and try to make myself want to do the things a lot of FIRE bloggers recommend for real estate, but I'm just not that into it. Side note- more and more I'm realizing all this media content - tv shows, blogs, etc - are just suggestions. They're not representative of someone's real life. It's very easy to forget because FIRE was such a great blueprint for my finances. But now I'm starting to teeter on not even really being able to understand what's good advice anymore. At least what's good for me. I was such a newb and wanted to do everything I was told, but now I'm just kind of over most of it.

Credit card hacking has spun me out trying to make it work. To the point that I feel inadequate and kind of like a dummy.  And I feel almost dumb for not having some sort of income generating side hustle or real estate investment. Like I have to keep convincing myself that my path is good, nay, great! I'm in a great position. And even though I say I keep reading the blogs to see if there are more optimizing strategies, I can't help but feel I'm not doing enough. 

It's just hard to balance logic with what make sense for me and what is sound financial advice. 

This week, I've been driving myself crazy trying to find a way to lower my taxes next year. I just feel so annoyed that so many high earners are getting big tax returns like $15k or $20k that in the end, they are making even more than me! Honestly, ever since I started working, I usually get nothing back. I think one year during COVID I got around $1k back but that was only because I was withholding extra due to my aunt's pension pay out. 

I mean I'm definitely happy I don't owe big balances, who wouldn't be. But I just wonder if there's more I could be doing. I even thought about starting a lifestyle/travel blog, knowing how hard it is to generate income from that, but being happy to expense the losses as a business expense. And thus lower my taxable income. Then I did a calculation today of the $18k I spent on travel last year and using my effective tax rate, I would have paid about $3500 less in taxes if I could've claimed that as a business expense. Which would've been a great tax refund but I think seeing how small the number is and how much I hate owing stuff after the fact, it would really stink to have to pay that back in back taxes if I were audited three years later. 

I think this is just something I have to let go. Honestly these days when I break down this third stage of my life (age 40-60), it's sub parts are 40-45 which are my last years of working; which leaves 45 to 55 of early retirement (so 10 years) and then 55+ of living in a retirement community.

So it just shortens my runway to me in a good way. I don't have this pressure to optimize and make my fortune in real estate. I feel more like I have 5 years left let's try to make the best of it. But I'm still struggling to figure out what that means. Mostly I want to enjoy earning a high income and quote live my best life and do things that cost money; instead of worrying about making every penny count. 

Looking at this shorter runway, the impact of a lot of my financial decisions just seem less remarkable. Which is a better feeling than feeling like I'm making some giant mistake. I think I just worry that I miss out on something like the way I might have missed out on FIRE. So getting used to this level of enough is still a challenge. 

Also, I just realized even if I don't fully retire from full time work until age 45, making it about 15 years of working, that's still 50% of the 30 years I had imagined and that is true for most Americans. Which is awesome!!

So yeah, the last few seasons of fretting about not being completely optimized and taking advantage of all the things; and even trying to simplify my investment holding are slowly becoming a thing of the past. With my investments, I'm just appreciating the fact that they're invested at all. For my novice brain, this is still a pretty great achievement! And for optimizing and other things people do, it's still just a buffet and I get to choose what works. There are no rules! 

In the end, hello, MERJ - you achieved FIRE. And that rocks! These next few years, however long they may be... hey  in a way that's the ultimate optimization - you have a healthy financial cushion and a pretty manageable job in a low cost of living (albeit undesirable) living situation.  I won the game! And really, how lucky to have bought Cheap House when I can look at proof everyday that the same purchase doubled in price just 3 years later. This time, financially, I was on the winning side! 

So yeah, so maybe I'll work on changing my mindset over this next chapter of final working years/ pre-retirement years. 

That being said, earlier today I was thinking...wouldn't it be fun to hit $200k this year?! Yes, it would be fun. I already kind of tried and was sorely beatup about it last year, but here we are again. I applied for a couple more jobs. Part of the impetus this day was just thinking..instead of worrying about paying more taxes than everyone else, just make more money. 

But part of me kind of thinks, it might be fun to get a part-time job this summer, since it looks like a summer of nothingness. Then that spiraled into why make less money, when you can make more. But maybe instead of a lofty goal of trying to make $30k this year...we just shoot for $10k this summer. Still not sure what that is. And honestly, the idea of earning extra money sounds good in theory, but getting up to go to a job sounds kind of awful. Maybe I could do food service.

I think realistically though, since I'm moving forward as though I'm moving to Newtown in September, I anticipate there will be a lot of nervous energy in the 3 months prior. So that's really a bigger motivator than money. If I move forward with seasonal employment, I'll still have to decide some parameters. 

The other thing keeping me up tonight - Orkin visit tomorrow (ugh, 'nuff said); and just some general anxious feelings about the current document I'm authoring; and the meeting on Monday for the other project I'm supporting but have been tasked with nothing. 

On an even happier note. Tomorrow's officially pay day. And I should really capitalize on this emotionally since one of my bank accounts does early pay so I got pay day today and tomorrow!!!

Some happy feelings, some anxious feelings, some tired feelings

 Yay! 

Just checked my email and...

- Another opportunity from Offerpad came for me to see what my cash offer is and what a listing price would be; considering I sent my info out to to 3 companies, they're the ones after my business the most; most of the emails are automated but that's fine by me; premium service is not my priority; just quick, easy, and convenient; Mark Spain sent a whole person out to me and I never heard from her again; notably even my old realtor sent me a card telling me I bought my house at the right time (thanks! I love some good old fashioned positive feedback/ external validation....yep that's where I am now people); anyway I might just get an idea from them on what my house could list for

- Got approved for a Varo account! (I don't need it since Chime already approved me and their credit building is just what I need, but I'm here for a back-up and it certainly won't hurt my weird credit history...maybe I'll try to convert one of them over to NewName sooner rather than later; or just baby steps and wait until I get what I need from them first...yeah, that's a better solution!)

- Got early deposit! (notably, I was too late adding Chime to my payroll so will have to wait for next paycheck before applying for credit builder; I can add Varo too. The scientist in me is interested to see how the experience will be since I'll essentially be comparing them side by side.)

Anxious feelings

- Work keeping me up

- Move to Newtown (decided to just round-up)

- What am I doing with my summer?

- Should I get my hair done? When?

- Just overall mild distress that comes before leaving for a trip...see why I don't like booking it too early... too much mental drag! I have about 10 days..so it makes me feel like I can't make long term plans..mostly food related

- What are my plans for Jun, Jul, Aug - I guess I already said that...; ended up making a mock-up plan for before and after Newtown. I'm sure you'll see that soon.

Tired feelings

I woke up around 5a today. I loved sitting in the dark and for once not feeling afraid. But it was annoying being awake. Summer is not my favorite sleep time because the weather is wonky and I find it difficult to sleep when it's warm and sticky. I apparently love a cocoon at bedtime and that's hard to do when it's already very warm outside.

Other news

Finally opening my personal email added some excitement to my day. I was excited Chime already had alerts for deposits and withdrawals that I didn't have to setup. Exactly what I'm looking for in a bank! 

I had 1 of my Remote program interviews this week; all things being equal, I don't think it's a fit for me and I already knew that going in. But honestly my opinions change by the minute but it confirmed the biggest downside of that program - insufficient programming. I haven't had much success just randomly making friends without some sort of structured event and they said they "try" to get people together once a quarter. Yikes! 

I'm trying not to let this day get me down

 That darn bill. I paid a portion of it, but they won't accept it. I think I'm mostly disappointed I don't have better negotiation skills. And that I'm 2 shakes away from a meltdown. Suddenly, I just feel defeated and that the world always wins.

Mind you, I am comforted by the fact that I had the good sense to have this money saved and circulating. I just hoped I wouldn't need it.

I'm even thinking of having the last $1500 taken from money I was going to send overseas. Actually I just calculated and my 4% raise this year (gross) is just about what I need to cover this bill. So technically, I'm not worse off than I was. I wish I still believed in God's little miracles. But I know that's just marketing. Oh well. He's got a good PR team!

Anyway, I accomplished a bit today

- Meeting with submission lead

- Set up a meeting with Safety Physician

- Did a brief look at document I have to review with Physician tomorrow

- Overall, feel okay about the task at hand; doubly happy that my part is due by end of week; thus, I will not have it hanging over my head when I go to Philadelphia; (however my main project is still very much TBD)

- reached out to some other colleagues for assistance

- Paid part of medical bill

- Finally read email from Orkin; I got 1 of 4 things I asked for; but I'm so tired of fighting with The Man

- rescheduled Orkin appointment to ensure they come before I leave for Philly

- 40 minute phone call with Spectrum to ask for promotional rate - almost got suckered into a deal for a free tablet (that I don't need) but ended up being $50 in fees; and considering my second plan was to cancel for a month to get their new customer promotional rate (which the agent said I wouldn't necessarily be able to do since I said it out loud); but I did ask for a seasonal hold which was $5, so tack that on to the $15/mon I was trying to save, and that's not bad. I asked for too many things and their system could not handle it, so I'll have to call back to have my new promotional rate added when I come back from Philly. If I were savvy enough, I'd get the tablet and sell it. But it looks like you can get a Samsung tablet for about $130 so it'd be a stiff margin to sell it at a discount. 

- started a conversation with Chime and Varo to see if I can get their credit builder accounts; put a freeze on my credit report; and decided to avoid any more hard inquiries for the remainder of 2023; I'm out of ideas on what I need to do to get a credit card again. 

- I wrote out some outfits to pack for Philly trip including work clothes for my yet to be approved work trip; that's half the battle; and even went into some old bins to find some cool weather clothing I can use because I was getting stuck trying to pick out a hoodie.

I might just go for a walk to the end of the street. I feel mentally exhausted eventhough it feels like I didn't get very far on my work projects. 

Surprise Medical Bill and other things causing stress

 Some things stressing me out right now:

- surprise medical bill

- orkin

- life

- work

Medical Bill - apparently my $5k medical bill from my surgery in 2018 has resurfaced in a vengeful way. I'm being sued! A process server went to my aunt's house and she refused it but contacted me to let me know. It killed the appetite I had last night and has been on my mind since then. Can I fight it? Do I have to pay it? Why me? I want to emotionally self-harm. I don't want to deal with this. I suck. The world will never get better. Why do I have to pay for this when I'm in chronic pain since then. Just sit there and take it, these people always win. You are powerless. 

Yeah there was a lot of negative thoughts. But it was also timely because yesterday I was just affirming for myself why living off $60k and a $2500/mon housing expense felt restrictive. Because when a $5k bill pops up it's stressful. Yes, in my regular scenario my FIRE Safety net doesn't really exist. It's that compartmentalized. I have an extra $5k in savings but that's really for some leeway in case of job loss so I can decide what my next steps are. I don't know. I go back and forth on the mental cushion I need. Anyway, before I keep rambling, moving to a place like Philly where I would need every dollar of base net pay would be stressful.

Anyway, about the medical bill. What's stressing me out is what the next steps are. I was trying to see if I could qualify for the debt statute of limitations being run out because I didn't think I owed this money and wasn't sure how to fight it. But it seems like Past Me had fortunately kept a copy of the explanation of benefits. So I feel a bit better that this is an amount of money I could be expected to pay. Because that was a concern. 

So I think I'm okay paying it. Luckily I still have some cash in my Savings so I don't have to pay it off in installments. Ideal scenario - I pay off the discounted amount sooner rather than later. Worst case scenario - I pay the full balance + fees. Groan.

I think ultimately that's the issue. It's unknown. And so I'm stuck trying to figure out the best way to approach the situation. 

Orkin is small potatoes compared to this. But I do need them to come before I go to Philly next weekend. And to honor their money back guarantee. I just can't take anyone else winning! 

Work. I didn't log into Teams on Friday since it was Good Friday and I figured most people were off. And today is the day after Easter and again figuring most people are off, I didn't log on until 9a and actually didn't plan to get out of bed until 12n. But I think it's a slippery slope. It would probably be better for me to stick to the routine of getting out of bed and logging on even if I have a low workload. I benefit from some structure even if a farce. So moving forward, I'll make a point to keep logging on even on slow days. 

As for life, it's still just weird conversations with myself on housing and life plans. I'm all over the place. 

Tired of thinking about housing

 I have spent all of today and much of the last 2 weeks thinking about housing. I don't even remember how this all started.

But each new think session results with a meltdown, overwhelm, or a new big decision.

Last I figured over the last couple of days - Newtown doesn't really offer the big lifestyle change I envisioned. I'm just moving from one small town to a bigger small town. One person reported still having trouble getting an Uber from the airport. D'oh!

So when I tried to find my walkable luxury city girl apartment, there weren't the usual things I wanted to walk to. No grocery stores and a lot of burger joints. I had my eye on a Whole Foods or TJs (I'd even settle for a bodega!) and at least my soon to be Thai spot. Nada! There weren't really any parks either. Well, friends, this was certainly not Seattle.

So the pressure to make Newtown my home for the next unknown number of years suddenly vanished. I would be returning after my year long commitment. Phew! 

Well that took that decision off my plate. I mostly spent today trying to pre-think through some logistics - looking up apartments, documenting on a spreadsheet; picking out some anchor activities and plotting that on a time plan. That took 8 hours, I kid you not. 

It was comforting to know that Newtown does have a wide range of apartments for most price ranges. So that was nice. 

My anchor activities so far include - starting Pilates (I researched a few places and picked one), and a weekly free yoga class in the park; going to church - yep I searched the church website and even put handbell choir practice on my time plan, lol (never done handbells before but it looks cool); and going to a co-work space 1x/week. This part was actually fun. Just pretending and planning. What can I say spreadsheets and charts are therapeutic. Plus, what else did I have to do today. I woke up in a bit of a panic because my two semi-active projects have had very little input from me. Trying to solve for those was giving my anxiety, so fantasy planning my life was way more fun. 

It helped to have the parameters of just having a really good time for a year and then returning home. I was even fine leaving my house as is. It was the easy choice and I could make the money work okay.

For fantasy life in Newtown - I even researched apartments near the water but became more clear that I wanted to be downtown even if it wasn't that action-packed. While still slim for my proclivities, there were more opportunities to walk places downtown than in the areas outside downtown where there would be none. Compared to my life now, that would be better. So that helped to discern that out. 

Anyway, that was mostly fun. Similar, I guess, to when people make Pinterest boards or design interior spaces from magazine clippings. It cost me nothing and it's fun to play pretend for awhile. 

Anyway, 8 hours or so pass and I decide to take a break and close my laptop.

2 hours later I run some more numbers. Yes, I'm not putting all my life chips in the Newtown basket, butttt...

I identified the top items that my current living situation offers:

- cheap housing = financial flexibility

- black people (new development/realization)

- simple life (I go to McDs, Dollar Tree, Food Lion, and Walmart across the street, but there are no sidewalks, so I drive instead of walk)

I knew Philly was seeming like too much of a money suck and took away some of the flexibility that I'm realizing I really appreciate and want to prioritize. Even though it's a much bigger city and beaucoup black people. 

I'm losing the train of thought that got me to the alternate option. Basically I realized by selling the house for at least a $50k profit, I could afford to increase my monthly housing expense from $850/mon to ~$1100/mon on like a 4-6% withdrawal rate. And that's allegedly "forever," but I would ideally only need that until age 55+ at which time it's cheap senior living for me! 

So I started thinking, that's about where I was in my studio, so I could always just move back there and be closer to the airport and maybe more amenities (that I might actually want to take advantage of this time). 

So basically, the thought is if the main driver for staying put is the flexibility provided by my relatively low cost of housing, if I can achieve that in a different place, then do I still need to return here?  Especially if I'm planning to move again next year anyway.

So I'm still holding onto the default and very easy choice of just pack up some clothes and rent a furnished apartment in Newtown for a year and plan to come back to this house. And discern some more what I want the next years to look like.

But really the urge to sell my house is still nagging at me for these reasons:

- $50k "profit" I might not see again

- pest issues feel unresolved and I don't really want to stick around to find out

- fear of inevitable maintenance/upkeep issues - I'm pretty sure I heard some faint dripping sounds in the second bathroom; plus I haven't changed filters; and need to service the hot water machine

- plus I came to this house to either die or die trying to reach FIRE500 (and I've accomplished one and got very close to the other)

Anyway, I ran some numbers and just got kind of sick of thinking about it. I don't want to think about this anymore. I don't even know if I'll get the paid chance to move to Newtown; this is still all speculation. And I was getting comfortable with the fact that I'm in a position to move and am open to moving, but it's okay to wait and take my time and sit with the feelings and choices. Adult life just doesn't move that fast. Sometimes it takes 2 years to make a decision. And that's okay! And I was starting to feel good about just letting off the mental gas and unfounded urgency. And just enjoy some of the things that I realized are pretty good about my current setup. 

I can't do much now anyway. If all goes to plan, I can't find a new rental in Newtown until closer to my preferred rental date of September. So I still have 5 months! That's for looking for a new place and or selling this place. So I've thought all the thoughts and felt many of the feels.

I'll prob need to focus on work for the next 2 weeks anyway and then pack and head to Philly for a month! So I'm totally shelving this housing discussion for the next couple months and re-allocate my energy to more timely things! Housing thoughts are officially on hiatus until June 2023! Bye, bye, ruminations! Don't come back now, ya hear!

Good Friday Update

 I stayed in bed until 9a. I was up before 7a because light was peeking through my window and it's very warm! I thought putting the thermostat to 78 (from 80*F) was a splurge but I might bring it down even more as the weather continues to warm. 

So that happened. I read some blogs.

Then at 9a, I felt like I should probably check in on some emails. It's been a slow week so I was 80% confident there would be nothing. And I was right. I sent an email to my old boss. And for the first time (maybe ever), I intentionally did not log into Teams. This is how criminals get caught, my mind told me. But I'm not doing anything criminal! It's a slow work day. I don't think I'll get any emails or chat messages as I'm not leading any active projects at the moment. 

I spent countless hours since getting the Remote program invite trying to envision my new life. Newtown - I think I'll just shorten it to Newtown/Newton for ..reasons. 

I looked it up and I am reasonably convinced I can find good enough housing for $850/mon (my current costs). Definitely not a brand new townhouse that's hood adjacent that I feel comfortable wearing a house dress and sleep bonnet to, but tradeoffs right.

I think the weather is probably okay since commuting is optional. And it's not Illinois level snow, so I don't think it's shovel-able. And the summers are supposed to be worse than here. With lots of days above 100 degrees. 

So weather and cost have moved down on the list of cons. 

I didn't know this but my current town is 40% black and Newtown is 13% black. This morning I woke up thinking about it and my heart was filled with trepidation. 

Am I going to have to watch my back? When will I be othered next - grocery store, doctor's office, social settings. Watching some highlight videos all I could see were white faces and it didn't fill me with good feelings.

So I'm still working to uncover the root of my issues; what makes me feel safe and comfortable; vs what makes me feel scared and trepidation. I want to zoom out of the acute feelings and try to understand what I want to accomplish.

In my current town the things I favor most are:

- low cost of housing

- comfort at my 3 spots - McDs, Food Lion, Walmart, and Dollar Tree. I can dress however I want without issue

- weather

...I lost my train of thought because I got distracted doing something else...

Anyways some thoughts on the whole thing (thus far):

- Do I really want to be outnumbered by white people again?

- Is the potential for new friends worth it? Especially when I haven't assigned a value to this?

- Am I ready to put all this energy into relationships to end up right where I am now but with less energy (especially given I haven't assigned a value to this)? 

- If it's same/similar weather and same/similar cost of living, what's really in it for me? (That's where social life and community and different lifestyle come to play).

I never knew Philadelphia also has 40% black people. That makes it sound more appealing for sure.

But the more the threat of spending all of my income feels real, the more I realize how much I prefer living below my means. There is a sense of comfort, joy, pride, and self-reliance that I'm not ready to give up and not sure I ever will. So, it's unfortunate that sometimes the risk of losing something makes you better appreciate it, but I'm not comfortable giving up my financial cushion. Even though I can technically afford it. I like having as much room between income and expenses as possible. So moving just for lifestyle isn't a compelling enough reason right now for me to give up that cushion. The thing is ... I don't know what is. 

But as with all my wants...after awhile of not getting it, the desire just dampens and it seems less urgent. I was on fire to move last year and most of the years prior. But when it comes time to make a change, there is a mental block. I thought it was the traumatic events of NC and I think it largely is, but I can't undo what has happened. I can't undo what I've experienced. 

Better can't be a fuller emotional cup because that cup eventually evaporates, is intangible, and is unreliable. And worst case scenario, I'll deplete my already lean emotional reserves and move through my financial reserve really quickly so I'll have less x 2.

But staying here, my financial reserve stays in tact. And my emotional reserve probably continues to decline but at a slow pernicious rate. 

But best case scenario with a lifestyle change still has my financial reserve and future earnings depleted at a faster rate. And my emotional well still probably filling at an uneven, risky, unpredictable pace. 

I don't have the benefit of long-lasting meaningful friendships to convince myself it's worthwhile and I can only work with the information I have. My extended family is great in time of crisis but on a regular basis isn't enough. They just aren't. And that's not to say they're bad people and don't care about me. I'm just looking for something else. 

Anyway, what was the point of this post...basically as far as moving to Newtown, I think the last place we left off on the decision making was to keep the house as-is; maybe make a decision at 6 months to sell or not. 

I will say the move using an established short term rental company isn't going to be as easy as I thought. I want to stay downtown and be near a walkable area of town. That's kind of the dream. And those places are out of my price point which I've identified as $1500/mon (nearly twice what I pay now). 

But I really want this to be an adventure and a convenient one at that, so my heart is set on a furnished rental where all I have to do is bring my self, clothes, and car. No floofing around with setting up and breaking down an apartment. 

P.S. - I just re-read this for typos and I sound unclear. To be clear, if I get the chance to move to Newtown, it's a definite yes (or at east 85%). The real outstanding issue - if I pack it all up, sell my house, and move. Or just plan to be there for a year and come back to NC.  And secondary issue - will I find a furnished luxury rental for $1500/mon in the heart of the action. And if not, what will I compromise on - price, location, or convenience of moving. 

Tulsa, Tulsa, Tulsa

 OMG.

I got Tulsa on my mind. I've been going through the mental exercise...yet again....of what I do if I get to go for a year. 

The biggest issue is really giving up my cheap housing! 

I looked far and wide for this housing and it's so hard to give it up. I don't want to say it's the crux of my early retirement plan, but it kind of is!

I will never find $850/mon housing again! Ever! I sometimes feel like it's my crowning achievement of FIRE. 

So yes, if I was renting, I think it'd be easier to leave because duh...who rents two places. I could always come back right. 

But the fact that I have this cheap housing is only because I bought this place. Ugh. 

I guess the magical thinking in me wants to just go all in on Tulsa and finally make a move. When I think about the digital nomad experience it does not spark joy. It sparks scarcity and that uber frugal mindset. That makes me anxious and fills me with dread. I've moved on from that place. I don't want to pressure myself into saying I want to build community, but I kind of do. 

I just don't know what to want.

Anyway, it was on my mind for many hours last night and I woke up this morning thinking about it. 

I even tried Pascal's Wager.

Keep House vs Sell House  x Stay in Tulsa vs Move back to NC

And keeping the house was the least risky.  Because the worst that happens is I sell the house a year later. 

But it's really the effort I guess. I have to maintain the house for a year. Financially, the program offers $10k which significantly offsets the cost of carrying the house for a year. Win! But mentally, having to worry about it. I imagine checking up on it and returning every 3 months. I guess I could always just have the cleaners come and do a deep clean before I move back in. That would work actually. Money solves problems!

That's the easiest choice and in the spirit of financial independence... I don't have to choose! 

Obviously, if I were renting, it'd be no big deal. I'd pack up and sell my stuff. I, honestly wouldn't even bother with the few pieces of furniture I had since they're giving me so much money to live. 

Maybe I'd give myself like $1k to set up shop again - a bed, desk, couch. Those are the staples. 

But I'm already going into survival mode. Just cutting out all the noise and just trying to solve the problem.

In related news, I added Tulsa to a possible FIRE locale. OMG. What a farce. I looked up Meetup events, and maybe I could find 1 a month to go. Which technically, isn't more than I have here. It's just the ones I have here are not my age group. 

I think those YouTubers are overselling the experience by a wide margin.  The biggest selling point for my current living situation - mild winter; $850/mon housing; simple life.