Fri, Sep 30, 2022, Should I be a Millionaire by Age 45

 All this budget talk has got me speaking bold ambitions. Am I, a lowly black girl, going to join the millionaire club?! 

Yep, I can say things like that and not worry about being jinxed! (ok, a little worry, but not enough to stop me). 

I always say what I liked about reading A Purple Life's posts is her confidence. It's not that I don't think those things are achievable, for whatever reason I've been living haunted by all my negative outcomes. As though I... did something to cause them!

By sheer fact of wanting a better life, I made my life worse. Crazy, right?

No more!

I'm going to be a millionaire by age 45. 

And I'm going to be happy.

I refuse to aggressively save as I've done the last 4 or 5 years. You know why? Because nothing comes next! 

So I'm going to enjoy the journey.

How did I get here you say? Well, I was quite a bit uncomfty with the large Seattle budget and kept waiting for "the universe" (guffaw) to say it was okay to live my life. Ha. The Universe is not actually a thing that speaks or makes decisions, silly girl.

Anyway, I was plugging in some numbers just to see where each of my different savings targets would land me in x number of years. Maybe something would stick out. Cuz having reached LeanFIRE, I just wasn't sure what my money goal (or any goal for that matter) would be.  

Well anyway, after quite a few days of clicking, I landed on saving $36k a year, at about 10% interest in 5 years would make me a millionaire. (I just checked to see some of my old budgets, and honestly this is how a lot of these budgets started, guess and check in the investment.gov compound interest calculator.)

Since that felt good, I tried that in my still-forming budget projections for next year. And it fits!

Starting from the top:

22.5k: 401k max out

Leaves about $69k of net pay. 

35k NC Expected Expenses (includes 1 month expense cushion)

If I up my Vacation Budget to $20k (from 15k), we are now at $55k total expenses (wowzers!!). Once scary, but now that I (have and) know I can reach another financial milestone with the leftovers, it feels good!

So that leaves around $14k to throw into After Tax, bringing my totals to approximately:

Target Spend: $55k

Target Save: $36k

The $36k used to look small but now that it's attached to a goal, it's perfect! 

And $55k used to look both small (for Seattle) and large (for NC) compared to what I'm used to, but it's also right sized. If I focus on a 5-month (vs 6-month ) stay in Seattle, I have a lot more room where I don't have to creatively budget or be forced into travel hacking.

See, with no heirs and legacy, there is a part of me that does need to adopt the 'die with zero' mentality but also save and enjoy. 

This is how I'm doing that. Again, this enlightenment brought to you by LeanFIRE! 

This year has been a year of trying to spend more and see what my comfort level is. 

Moving to Seattle and doubling my budget wasn't quite it.

Doesn't mean it'll never be,  Brain, but right now, no.

So yeah, I'm toggling between saving and freely spending.

As much as NC and I struggle to cohabitate, I can use it as a resting place and recharge in a different way - mostly give my pocketbook a chance to breathe, haha. 

I like circuits of things anyway... well, if they're planned. I like having a planned rest from planned adventure. 

So in Seattle, I can focus on doing more things. And in NC, I can focus on doing less things, maybe being more frugal and having to think things through. 

I get to be different parts of my personality.

Anyway, let's not wax too poetic here. 

But yeah, that's where we are as of Sep 30. 

I like it too because I can do it all with my base pay, and it's replicable with my bonus. And if I remove tithe and student loan, this lifestyle could be replicable if I retire with 1 million.

What a fun dream!

I don't want to think too far in the future, lest I get overwhelmed. But one of the things I noticed in my old spreadsheet for finding a new place to live is whether I could live there pre and post FIRE.

So knowing that whatever lifestyle I go on to create could be replicable pre and post FIRE_1MIL is nice too.

Other thoughts:

- I want to travel hack because it's fun and frugal but my generous budget means I don't have to; it feels a bit wasteful since I follow a lot of very frugal bloggers. So I'm making peace with that. The two I'm thinking of - one has kids to account for, so it's a higher priority for him. The other is not working. Travel hacking just hasn't been my thing since I've been anti credit-cards for so long. I'm still not going to pressure myself into it, but if it somehow easily makes sense, then yeah. But for now, it's full price for errything! 

- Oh, this 3 little jobs for my money makes it easy to automate too because the first cut gets taken by payroll (auto-save); the second automatically goes to my bank for Expenses; and the third automatically goes to my Account for Lifestyle Fund. So each Goal gets it's own pot of money. That takes a lot of guesswork out because I've been doing a lot of money movement this year, so this should cut down on that. But I'm not mad about this year, I went into it knowing I'd be manipulating a lot as I figured out what spending and saving post LeanFIRE looked like. And here we are! 

- I was reflecting recently that I neither accomplished getting a second job this year nor dating, nor securing even another job that paid me the seattle supplement of $60k. But the difference is, I no longer think there is any cosmic meaning to this. It's not "the universe" telling me to stay put or that I'll be alone forever and that I should not be in Seattle. It literally just means - I didn't get a second job; I didn't get a higher paying job; and I didn't enter into a meaningful relationship.  There are no other messages. THAT IS HUGE, PEOPLE!!

So if I really want to move to Seattle, I need to decide what I want to give up to make the money work. Right now, I found a solution. I can live in Seattle (or anywhere else) part time.

As for my job, it's okay for now, I realize what I do like about it is it's downtime and remote aspects. I do wish I could find something else to do with just as much downtime, remote, and light workload that was more in the background. 

But I'm pressing forward with my budget as though I'm working the same job for 2023 with a similar workload. 

Still trying to figure out what to do for Winter Shutdown. And I'm...um lost my train of thought trying to figure out tonight.

Looks like the game is still on. Yay!

So I need to wrap this up so I have a couple hours of down time before I need to get ready. The sun is out! Wow! 

Thurs, Sep 29, 2022, Dear God

 Dear God,

I pray one last prayer to you. I pray for pure perfect love. I pray for a partner to love and care for me. To never betray my trust. To love me until the day I die. It's my one final prayer, my one final prayer for a miracle. In Jesus' name, Amen.

I'm so vulnerable with all my finances and emotional distress. But sometimes I pray. It doesn't work anymore for some reason. So I don't pray much anymore. But I'll watch something or see something that reminds me that the last thing I would like to experience on earth is romantic love. And maybe it's not real because I usually only feel this way when I read romance novels or see romantic love on tv (which is pure fiction). So what I knew when I was in middle school is probably still true - romantic love is pure fiction. What I'm looking for does not exist. Oh well.

I guess I live for the fantasy. But I live, so that counts for something.

I finally have a day or two to myself and it feels awesome.

I don't even feel like flicking through Meetup for events. 

I just cooked a pork and savory sweet potato dish and it was tasty. I thought the green beans would taste better but they didn't. I'm always afraid of over salting things. Veggies need a lot of salt. I realized I really love savory sweet potatoes, especially roasted. 

Cooking in this beautiful kitchen with all the kitchenware is so much fun. 

Even though I don't always feel like doing it everyday, it feels fun to do it.

The meal kits were my best idea yet!

Oh, I looked at my recent transactions and saw my over-charged Hello Fresh kit, and when I put the price of the 2 boxes together, it helped to soothe the expense of the 2nd extra box. 

Oh well. 

Yesterday I did a little exercise to see how I'm going to pay off this credit card bill. At first I thought I would be living paycheck to paycheck to pay it off, but I had about $10k to play with AFTER my basic expenses are met.

It's still weird spending so much. It feels indulgent and decadent.

I even had a chat with a personal colleague about budgeting because I needed a refresher. She essentially keeps a ledger, like balancing your checkbook as a spreadsheet and updates it a couple times a month.

I already know I can't engage with my finances monthly- it starts to feel like a chore and it affects my mood. 

But anyway.

Oh something I was reading online called their version of "fun money" ..."lifestyle expenses." So I think I might change my pot of Seattle Money... to my Lifestyle Fund. I've been looking for a fun name for next year.

I'm also curious to see if my payroll deposit of $5 will make it to my new bank with my old name.

Thurs, Sep 29, 2022, Petty for life

 Haven't been able to sleep much today. Was up around 2a, per usual. I was sweating throughout the night. I really need to figure that out. I did sleep with the window closed last night, so it's been cooler in the evenings. It's weird to be awake and working at this hour. My body isn't revolting quite like I thought it would.

Even though I did finish V's work (I almost wrote out her name, but Brain told me otherwise). I guess without thinking too much about it, I'll use initials for now. That's what some people do instead of inventing nick names. 

Anyway, that was a lot of my thoughts. That's the third time she's tried to "influence" me to do her work. She is supposed to be mentoring me, but just uses it her to advantage really. I guess ultimately, as long as I don't have to lead the document, it'll be okay. 

Actually once I think about it like that, on what I can get out of it, I'm less infuriated. But I think I'm still going to cancel the celebration. #petty

So yeah, I wasted a day and some sleep being mad about that, and here we are. Oh well.

I'm getting a little overwhelmed with these social activities. I think I prefer not having to worry about planning. One of my new friends, K, wants me to get on What'sApp so I can get on a group chat for activities.

I guess one of my old goals was to meet people but once I released myself from the pressure of making connections, I'm less sure of what to do. What's my concern you ask? Well What's App is another app to manage, but more importantly, it's another place to not have any friends. To be rejected, not contacted, and be alone. So I don't know.

With forming connections, meaningful or not, being less of a priority, I'm not feeling as compelled right now, but we shall see. 

What's App is also what my bio family and overseas family use. That potentially opens that portal. Who knows. 

It's a lot right now to manage. I just want to get back in bed. 

I wanted to cook today, but mostly right now I want to sleep.

It's still dark out. Omg, just checked. Sunrise is at 7a! Wow. Hilarious. 

So I'll probably cook today when it's light out. I was thinking of walking with the French girl, just to get out of the house, but I have an activity Friday and a couple choices on Saturday, so that's already making me feel overwhelmed.

It's a good feeling nonetheless.

I think I might back out of trivia planning and let either M or S plan it. 

I'm sooooooo happy I got V's work done during one of our team meetings. When I get over being petty, I'll be really happy about that!

Oh, I should mention that yesterday's therapy kinda dampened my mood a bit. I don't really want to be reminded of Depth of Despair.

Anyway, I might click around some budget stuff because I love it. Then get back in bed.

Oh, I was supposed to go check out Grocery Outlet, but I jumped the gun and ordered some stuff online from Walmart #easychoice. That was like $40 for maybe 8 things. Geez!

I'm going to be honest, I've been thinking about how to stay for Nov and Dec. And not sure whether I should entertain that thought to death or just stick with the plan. Since I know now that there's no "falling into place," I at least know I don't have to wait for something else to happen, it's just my choice. 

The biggest variable I have to test is waking up before sunset And having to do work. I say work "comes first," mostly to mean I have to make sure I can do that well before I can do anything since that funds everything else. 

Technically, I will be doing a lot of copy and pasting in Nov and Dec. If it stays that way, that should be mostly manageable if I stay. 

But for right now, the plan is to go back.

I think this came back up when I was getting supplies. I ended up going with supplies I might need for 1 more month vs undetermined amount of time. So who knows.

I'm very hungry! 

Anyway, I'm so happy I got the real deliverable work done!!! Wheeee!

Alright, getting sleepy.

There was something else I wanted to tell you, but can't think of it. 

Wed, Sep 28, 2022, I feel better

 I think it's important to note that because I've been stuck in grey clouds for soooo long. This was further punctuated in my counseling session today. He was asking me a question I was getting stuck on, so he proceeded to recall all my thoughts from my last 5 sessions, to include:

§ Alone forever

§ Don't want to live if alone

§ Pestering people

§ Low priority

§ Die alone

§  is life worth living

§ Dying alone

§ Why do I have no friends, I should try harder

§ Issue of seattle; running away from life

§ Is this all there is

§ Considering your life direction

§ What's the purpose of all this

§ Financial stuff - money for memories; memories require more money

§ Alone forever

 - Will I be single and alone and will that lead to despair

Do you see a pattern. I think I felt alone. Laugh. Sigh, as I told him, I was clearly in acute distress. What's funny is that when it's happening I'm convinced I've always felt that way. And I think I have. I think the biggest difference - yes, those things appear true. And yes, in the background the choice to end my life is always there. But in a moment like today, it just feels less imperative. So it's not that I suddenly have this life-affirming reason to live; it's just less imperative that I die RIGHT NOW. The urgency is not there. 

So yes, I said it before and I'll say it again. These last few weeks were brought to you by FIRE. Just having the money and knowing taking a last minute trip to Seattle for 7 or 8 weeks was not going to add to a (financial) burden that I would have to overcome later. 

Anyway, enough about that.

I still struggle with relationship challenges at work. A number of my counselors preach self-advocacy. I really just have no desire to be the person with the last word. In fact, I make it a game to say as little as possible and don't "clap-back." Maybe I'm trying actively not to be a stereotype, but that's okay. 

It saves me from having to reflect on what I could've said. It saves me from having to correct myself or think of zingers or flexes. Lots of people are better at standing their ground and maintaining their position than me. Maybe it's an easy out just to bow out of conversations- but I'm here for the #easylife #softlife.

I think just NC trauma from speaking up is very present. And also I'm not that interested in a back and forth and continuing in unpredictable situations. And I think people talking about challenging people also makes me resistant. Not so much about being liked as it affecting pay or performance in the back alley.  But probably some residuals about being liked.

I mostly just don't want to be thought of. I've been bracing myself for a basic bonus since I started this new role. So that's been hard to toe the line of doing just enough.

Accomplishments:

- I went to trivia night!

 - I planned trivia night!

- I went to a trivia night I planned! (just thought that needed double mentioning)

-  I cut up some green mango, still delicious

- I walked home yesterday. I was a bit scared because the bus dropped me off under a creepy bridge and I really didn't want to walk back there at 10p at night. But somehow the return trip picked a bus stop much closer. And there was a stop on the other side of the street, so not sure why I got dropped off there. Oh well, Maps has been awesome! 

- I did a little bit of work

- I decided to let a possible 'clap - back' email to a co-worker sit in drafts for a little while

- Decided to take a break from work

- Talked a committee member through opening a Series I bond

- Oh, didn't feel too much social pressure to be "on" last night

- Still feeling the high about new budget 2023... super pumped!

- Woke up without an alarm (after going to sleep closer to 11p)

So for the rest of the day... I can't believe I've already been on the clock for 4.5 hours; I'm going to take it easy and go watch some shows and eat some mango. I think I'll forego a walk around the loop since I'm going out tonight. If it gets cancelled, then oh well, so sad. These things happen.

I might cook if it stays cool, which it might, but I kind of was already selling myself on cozy bed time.

I might look at some budgets! Oh how I love budgets!

Tues, Sep 27, 2022, And the shine wears off

 I can't express how much happiness making a plan and especially a budget makes me. It's one area of my life where I can establish some order. And it feels awesome.

I'm a bit discombobulated because I'm avoiding a couple people at work. So my brain is distracted because I fear I'm going to get caught. 

Diary, sometimes I just don't like work. I hate Bruno. I don't like 1:1s with my manager. I feel like it's this verbal minefield. It's a game I don't want to play.

I can't express enough how happy I am that I finally decided to take some time off. Talk about boiling the frog slowly. 

I didn't even think I needed time off but I took it just to get out of some work and avoid some people. That's my life, dodging and weaving.

I hope you continue to be my favorite secret keeper. 

She asked me what projects I want to work on- presumably out of 3, but later in the conversation revealed there is only 1 project that really has any upcoming work. So why ask?

Eye roll.

Had another interaction with Bruno. She's nuts and I hate working with her. But you can't say those things, well she can. 

It seems everyone at work can get away with being pigheaded but somehow can still come back with smiles.

I'm just me. 

I did just have the brilliant idea to take the trash out. So I took out 2 bags of trash and 3 boxes from the meal kits. In another life, I would've found a use for the ice packs, but unfortunately, I only have this life! So it was an easy choice.

I was especially glad to see that the trash room is just 2 giant commercial trash bins, not that chute nonsense. That makes life a lot easier because I was in no mood to break down boxes since they kind of had stuff in them.

Admittedly, I'm so discombobulated I keep forgetting what I want to do today or the rest of the week. I think I keep waiting to be found out. I keep waiting for any of the handful of people I'm dodging to find me.

I just have to make it to Monday then I'm free.

After 2 years, I'm finally taking a vacation I can look forward to! Eventhough, I'm technically not going anywhere different because I'm already here.

I think one reason I don't enjoy the 1:1s with my manager because I'm never sure how what I say is going to come back and bite me in the butt.

I was kind of hoping the 2 ladies for trivia tonight would cancel because I realized I don't actually like the anxiety that comes with planning things. Stupid girl!

Oh well. I just sent them a text. It would mean I get the afternoon free. I want to go to the Grocery Store Outlet. Now that I'm pretty much going back to NC for the last 2 months of the year, I'm not sure what food stuff to buy.

Maybe I'll go to Whole Foods and Trader Joe's here just to see what they have. I mostly just go to see what snacks they have more than anything. 

Well my new friends still want to go to trivia! That made me excited even though I was dreading it before.

Eventhough it was kind of late in the night, I don't have much to be attentive for tomorrow. 

And now, the organizer for the pumpkin patch meetup on Saturday has agreed to pick me up! Double yay!

Too happy for words. Should I eat the apple or mango. I have 10 hours to kill!

My Budget is officially increasing in 2023

 This might be the earliest I've ever drafted a budget for the next year since I began my early retirement journey, but this has been a strange year of sorts. 

Last year my budget was pretty wonky, thanks to COVID. This year it was all over the place thanks to life post-vaccination.

And next year, I don't know what I'm doing. I will say, if memory serves me correctly, I don't remember the first four years being as complicated. I just tried to stay within that $30k or below for target spending. I probably did hem and haw over whether to call it a goal or an aim or a target, I do remember that.  Mostly I was trying to figure out what the most I could squeeze out to save!

But the numbers were easy. My pay was pretty consistent, bonus never needed factoring, and my life was much simpler in the apartment. I knew exactly what my payment would be. 

Then I got a fancier job, with weird stress, some mental distress, the biggest loss of emotional support, and some aggressive savings to cope. 

That brings us to the last quarter of 2022 where for many months of 2022 I considered completely abandoning my death house. 

But that didn't sit well.

Because I had so much fun spending some of this money, I thought why wait for some big impetus to make the move to Seattle. I could technically afford it and still max out my 401k. But I haven't lost my mind completely. Even with this spendy year as a buffer, I found it difficult to swallow a budget where I'd spend $60k and have just $9k of wiggle room. It felt stifling. 

Even thought it was technically just mental math, my brain wouldn't let me do it.

So I did some more magic math and settled on a more reasonable budget for my still very frugal mindset.

Here we are:

The Summary

2023 Projections
GROSS SALARY:	$132,000 / YR
PPRE-TAX 401K: (YR)	$22,500
NET SALARY: (YR)	$69,000
BASIC NC EXPENSES: (YR)	$32,000
SEATTLE SUPPLEMENT: (up to 6 MONS)	$17,100
FUN / ADVENTURE SUPPLEMENT: (YR)	$10,000
REMAINDER:	$9,900
ESTIMATED POTENTIAL TOTAL SPEND:	$59,100
ESTIMATED POTENTIAL TOTAL SAVE:	$32,400

Whoops, that was the old one that wasn't setting right with me... aren't the colors pretty??!!

Here's where we landed a few days later (can and may change in a few days, who knows!):

2023 Projections
GROSS SALARY:	$132,000 / YR
PPRE-TAX 401K: (YR)	$22,500
NET SALARY: (YR)	$69,000
BASIC NC EXPENSES: (YR)	$35,000
"SEATTLE" SUPPLEMENT: (up to 6 MONS)	$15,000
REMAINDER:	$19,000
ESTIMATED POTENTIAL TOTAL SPEND:	$50,000
ESTIMATED POTENTIAL TOTAL SAVE:	$41,500

I was also in a tizzy about replenishing emergency funds. So with this updated budget, I feel loads better. Like I can still save the extra $10k after the 401k max, but I have even more room for catastrophic events. That just feels better.

And with that, where I was panicking about not having enough money flowing through my bank account, I'm actually more comfortable having a little less cash on hand. Strange right? I just wanted some flexibility between what I was spending and what I was saving.

So before in Plan A, I was getting nervous having $8k in Emergency Fund CDs and 3 months expenses in my checking/savings account. Because I just didn't know what I would do if that ran out somehow.

Now I'm happy just keeping that $8k (about 3 months expenses) around and just having the 1.5 months expenses in my checking account. I have less cash on hand, but I have a lever to pull if I need to replenish it. And just like that... woosa!

And I built in an extra month's headstart in my annual budget, the $3k roundup from $32k to $35k. 

As long as I don't focus on that too much, I can be comfortable with a cool 3 mons expenses in Savings and not feel too strapped for cash or that I have too much cash on hand. 

This is the first year I also itemized more expenses, especially large 1 time expenses as monthly expenses. I've been seeing it more and more and decided to try it. It's therapeutic to see exactly where it goes.

Before I just estimated a modest cushion and figured it would cover it and it did. But now I know this is exactly what I need each month to cover my expected expenses for the year. That's pretty cool.

Here they are.. I took the time to make it...why not share it!

BASIC MONTHLY EXPENSES	$2,920
Student Loans	$800
Housing/ Utilities	$842
Mortgage	$521
Utilities	$135
Internet	$60
(recurring monthly subtotal)	$716
1% maintenance fund (as monthly expense)	$67
Annual HOA fee (as monthly expense)	$59
Everyday Expenses	$450
Food	250
Every Day Expenses	200
Tithe	$500
Other Known Annual Expenses	$78
Professional Licensing Fee	$4
Free CE	$11
Car Insurance	$52
Vehicle Registration	$11
MENTAL CUSHION	$250

So there you have it folks. No huge difference. I did up my food/grocery budget from $200 to $250. I officially added Tithing to my budget. Realistically, for three of the first 4 years of my journey, I'd been coming in around $30k anyway, so I know that's my default spending. But I'd always aim to spend a little less. This time I'm including all the things, essential and non-essential and going in expecting to spend a little more than I have in the past.

Knowing what comes next is my biggest joy!

Recent Accomplishments, lest I forget:

- Tidying up the apartment

- Laundry

- I cooked today!

- I walked the loop!

- I socialized!!!

Okay back to what we were talking about. Making a budget makes me happy. Old Me is still nervous that of course being so presumptuous as to make a budget means I'm automatically going to lose my job and end up poor and destitute, with  no friends, and planning to go to Seattle next year means I automatically will lose all my money, loss of my legs, and anything that would make returning fun. 

Millions of people make plans and vacation plans every year, but obviously my making a plan means it automatically won't happen! I'll "jinx" it!  People buy vacation homes, but my making a budget is the thing that would bring me unspeakable horror! Oh, brain!

It's weird to plan to be happy. That's never happened before, at least not in the recent past. 

Mon, Sep 26, 2022, Stop harshing my mellow, man!

 So I am a bit up in arms for what should've been a good Monday. I got out of the 1 meeting I had, but ended up in another meeting. Groan.

The regulatory partner is trying to make me feel bad about some late references. Honestly, zero flocks given. Old me would have been really concerned it would impact job loss, etc. But realistically, other than some ego-bruising, I really don't care.

The only thing that has me annoyed is that we might have to discuss it yet again in a bigger team meeting. Groan. 

Other than that, I forgot to say that yesterday my symptom tracker score was at a 1, and I don't think I've cried in at least 5 days. Wins all around!

Also, I think I'm starting to believe my own lies. I am trying to get a group together for trivia. Then I remembered, I'm leaving in a month, whoops!

I also forgot to mention, after having forgotten about the Iranian, he popped back up in my matches. Waiting for the win! I'm not sure what my objectives are there other than absolutely no naked time. That part of my life is over. Full stop.

Maybe friends? I don't know. I am still on a dating app, so I'm sending mixed messages to myself. I'm mostly just holding out for Mean Brain so I can say I was in Seattle during cuffing season and nothing came of it. 

Oh well.

I'm so looking forward to my vacation. Then my co-worker is making me do some of her work, which I'm not really wanting to.

I'm trying to stay as behind the scenes as possible, but I keep getting thrust in the lime light. Groan.

I'm ready for this week to be over, already, so I can start my vacation. 

Today's plans include: walking with the French girl, washing my sheets, and cooking my next meal.

I already did the dishes last night, so yay!

I really need to go to Safeway so I can get some supplies.

Listen, work people, if you don't meet the deadlines, there are downstream consequences. 

Also, I really wasn't trying to do those references manually. Sorry, not sorry. 

You're not making more work for me. So I think I just got to remember the accomplishment was me not looking up references manually.

Anyway, my story is I'm a mentee and I'm sticking to it. I'm being paid as a mentee. 

I have no idea where 3 hours just went.

Accomplishments:

- Looked over benefits for 2023 and after some mild panic and consternation, decided to stick with current plans

- Dishes last night

- Updated goals for tomorrow's meeting

- Took supplements

- Slept in and did what I wanted yesterday

- Reached out to people for trivia!

Spent way too much time ruminating over budgets. I think the latest where I'm at is, $60k annual budget just seems exorbitant and it reads too much like a full time Seattle budget which makes me question why I don't just make the full time move.

So I decided to round up NC spending from $32k/year of planned expenses to $35k/yr for cushion. It's been really hard to wrap my head around the fact that I have a pretty big FIRE safety net, and I'm not there yet. For some reason, it feels wrong to dip into my FIRE money. I'm trying to act as though it doesn't exist. So I was just stuck on the fact that there wasn't a way throughout the year to replenish the different Emergency Fund levers if I did in fact use them because I would essentially be auto-saving or spending all the money. Or so it seems.

But in reality, let's break it down

The government site defined Emergency Fund as unplanned expenses such as house repair, car repair, medical bills, and loss of income.

House Repair - I have a home maintenance fund that I contribute to annually; this is actually built into the budget; so really no real cause for concern here

Car repair - no real fund for this, but I have 3 months' expenses saved across Regular Checking/Savings; so this was part of the concern, there wasn't really a mechanism of replenishing this in 2023 if I did end up using it; the compromise was $50/mon to build into budget because I read online that you should plan for $50 to $100/mon for routine and unexpected maintenance

Medical Bills - I have health insurance, my out of pocket max is $3300, which is about what I have in my HSA, so technically no real cause for concern; but again, what would happen if I used up all that $3300 this year? 

Loss of Income- this is less of a concern, since I had FIRE money, but it still felt weird not having a way to replenish the loss of income if I didn't retire early

I don't know why it was making me uneasy. I wanted free reign to be able to spend the Fun Money, I think, I don't think I'd be able to do that knowing I might have to flex it for real expenses. 

Now mind you, I'm going into 2023, with $8k in an Extra Emergency Fund and 3 months expenses in Regular Checking/Savings. So technically 6 months of breathing room. But yet somehow, I can't relax! It just feels weird not having the breathing room. And also mind you, I could just stop contributing to my after-tax 401k (because I would've maxed out my 401k early). But all that seems like too much. 

It just feels weird to spend my balances down to zero and wait until 2024 to replenish throughout the year. I think it would feel too much like starting over. Which is weird. 

I think I was also looking for a 2023 budget that would be easily replicable in 2024, which is just too much pressure. 

I miss my set-it-and-forget-it-life! This is too much thinking! 

I keep trying to convince myself that it's going to be okay, but I remain unconvinced. 

I guess what I'm hearing myself say is only potentially saving about $20k in 401k funds as a default is not quite enough. 

And mind you, I'm also just ignoring the bonus. But I just hate to depend on it because it's unpredictable I guess. I think having Company #2 just decide not to award bonuses one year is a salient enough data point that I have to consider that as worst case scenario.

So last night I think where I landed was:

up $32k/ to $35k/year for NC expenses (just a round number, a small cushion, so I'm at least 1 month ahead in case of catastrophe; #mentalcushion)

Then just roll Seattle Supplement and Fun Supplement into one at: $15k/yr

So I'll just make whatever time frame away from NC work with that money.

And IF I do get a bonus, aim to use $5k to add to Seattle/Fun Supplement for a round $20k. So there's a little bit of fun in getting to spend whatever bonus, but also some strategy in making Fun work for $15k. 

And then the rest of bonus can be used for saving, either taxable or i bonds - undecided at the moment.

So that leaves

$35k: NC Expenses

$15k: Fun Supplement

total: $50k Spend for the year 2024

And total Save: about $40k (incl 401k maxing)

Those numbers are a little easier to deal with. 

And if I get at least $15k bonus, I can bump up the amounts to

$55k: spend

$50k: save

I know, I know! Same dollar amounts, just a different mental math. It's all mental with your girl!

I think this way I just like knowing I could still have Fun and if something bad happened not have it ruin my Fun because I'd be able to absorb it. It felt like a total derailment the other way! (Even though I technically would be financially fine, just not mentally!)

Sun, Sep 25, 2022, Q3 Financial Check-In and other life plans

 I have to tell you, I'm feeling good. And now that I don't have to worry about supernatural forces working against me, I can say that and not feel like I'm going to "jinx" myself. 

I feel amazing. I woke up in Seattle. Yesterday at 9p I cooked one of my meals from Blue Apron. I was worried because I thought it would give me heartburn, but I'd already wanted to eat it since leaving the house around 7p so I was mentally kind of wanting it and not wanting to wait. 

So I made it when I got home, and it was so yummy! I'd been eating snacks all day so I wasn't sure I was all that hungry. It was just so tasty. It was warm on a cool day and it wasn't too much flavor. I like Blue Apron because I always get to try something new or that I don't normally eat. But it was a one pan meal and they provided the pan! So a lot of the ingredients were pre-made so there was no chopping. 

I prefer Blue Apron's meals hands down over any of the meal kits I've tried but because it's so delicious, it can be quite labor intensive. So you get the delicious meals without the labor! 

It was chicken with like Middle Eastern spices, some cous cous with currants and a mire poix and tomatoes. It was just everything I could ever want in a meal. I love oven meals because it's set it and forget it! 

That's why I've been hesitant to fully cancel the plan. If I can squeeze one more meal kit in in October, I would prefer a meal from them. 

Anyway, that's part of my good mood. I went to the vegan queer murder mystery party, and that was nice. It was nice just to exist around other people. It was also nice to take the observer role again and not feel any great need to be the interesting one or to keep the party going. Getting comfortable with my own silence.

I had another event at the Lake that coincided with a goodbye party of a girl I met recently. The lake thing didn't really work out. It was very dark, and there were people, and I just started to feel uncertain and a bit worn out. 

So I sat on a bench for about an hour, and then finally left. I'm proud of myself for not forcing myself to meet up with this girl. I don't know. I just was kind of tired and didn't want to be walking around in the dark. Even though there were a lot of people, it was just very dark. 

Anyway, yesterday was cool too because I spent an unexpected 5 hours doing budget stuff. I rarely can wait until the end of the quarter to do a check-in. 

And honestly with the budget aggregator app, the manual filling out of the spreadsheets is not that exciting because I can already check-in on my balances anytime I want. I can check balances and expenses with just a few clicks vs manual updating of the spreadsheet.

If I can find a way to download that data, I may not need to keep doing this manual spreadsheet nonsense.

I think just for posterity I guess? I imagine at some point, I'll stop actively checking expenses and income. So it's nice to have the data. But yeah, at this point, the app pretty much does what my spreadsheet was intended to do.

I do like with the spreadsheet though that I can look back from 2017 and see how far I've come. The app just doesn't have that data. 

And boy I've come a long way! Ugh, reading through all my mental anguish over the last few years, I'm glad I have this bright sunny moment to celebrate these victories!

Here's a quick snapshot:

Dec 2017 balance: $80k

Sep 2022 balance: $442k

That's amazing. I love a good graphic, but I don't think that's happening today. 

Notes on 2022 Q3 Finances:

Expenses: 

2022 YTD: $36k

Top categories: 

Travel: $14k

Home: $7k

Sending Money Overseas: $3.8k

As for travel, yeah that was pretty much all trips to Seattle including my current one. No other real surprises or else I'd go into more detail. I am planning to increase my food budget from $200 to $250/mon for next year since that's where the government is for a Family of 1. 

I have mostly been ruminating on Seattle.

The shortest version of the story is that living in Seattle full time is estimated to cost $66k (with tithe, and carrying my NC house). While living in NC full time is estimated to cost $32k (with tithe). 

In my initial estimations, I'd thought be able to do both, 6 months in NC and 6 months in Seattle (still carrying NC house) for about $45k which seemed like the best of both worlds. I wasn't really ready to double my expenses from $30k to $60k. But when I plugged real numbers in, doing a 6/6 mon split while carrying my NC house was closer to $50k. And that's just basic routine expenses. When I add a $10k supplement for fun and large non-routine expenses, I'm still back at $60k. I'm having trouble with that. So we shall see.

I guess I could consider a 7/5 NC/Seattle split with an $8k fun supplement, that would put me closer to $54k. I don't know.

Surprisingly with more money and less aggressive savings goals, I'm having trouble figuring out how to budget. I was even struggling to figure out where my direct deposits should go. So much of how my money is spent and saved has changed since I started this journey. I feel like I'm back at the beginning, except my goals are little more fuzzy.

I'm not as financially desperate. But my mental health and overall "quality of life" is more of a metric. But it's the most unstable metric ever! So much messaging around how humans can't reliably predict what makes them happy.

And I don't know why I'm having so much trouble figuring out how much money to leave out for an emergency fund. I was getting so caught up in a mental tizzy, I looked up what the heck an emergency fund even is!

That's how lost I felt.

So the consumerfinance.gov site defined it as unplanned expenses such as home/car repairs, medical bills, loss of income. That's exactly what I had in mind! But for whatever reason my thoughts were getting muddied! 

I think because I'd always had a bit of a cushion but my budget just isn't working that way anymore. 

I was also focusing a lot on using the words unplanned/ unexpected...because it's like... car repair isn't necessarily unexpected... I mean you expect some level of maintenance on your car and home and your person (ie, medical bills). I just don't know how to plan for it I guess? I mean one year I had a $5k surgery, and another year $400 in physical therapy.

Same with car repairs and now house bills. And ultimately the FIRE Cash Stash is there for job loss, but I think I can still use this emergency fund for job loss because I would want to have that time to decide if I'm fully transitioning into FIRE.

So much of finances is mental for me. Even what to call my savings account. I wasn't sure if it was better to just have a pot just for the Seattle Supplement and another pot for the Fun Supplement? 

I think for now I'm working a little backwards. 

The default savings goal is just to max out the 401k. So that's a no brainer. And then after that, I looked at the max spending for these Life Options.

That left about $9k left. I think for that I'll still just do auto-contributions to my 401k that way something can be set and forget. 

And I'll just keep the old CDs I had in a savings account for what they were used for: an emergency fund. The move to the savings account is because my old credit union is offering almost 0% rates for CDs and these online banks are offering higher rates as CDs. 

There's about $8k in old CD money; and my goal each quarterly check-in is to have about 3 mons of expenses total across my regular checking and savings accounts. 

I think where it gets tricky is that there's no real plan for how these will be funded? They're there now just as a matter of fact.

But how do you divert money for an Emergency Fund that's fully funded? That's where I'm lost. 

Anyway back to my financial check-in.

My investments are down about 20% since their peak in March 2022. 

I think for next year, lots of things are going to change.

I want to close all my accounts that still use my old name.

I think my direct deposit will change. Now that I have an allowance card that is a Master Card I can have one central bank for: Daily Spending; Checking Account for Bills; Savings Account.

I'll still have 3 banks:

Bank 1: Regular Checking and Savings for daily life

Bank 2: Churn Hub for churning Bank Bonuses

Bank 3: Savings Hub - where I manage all my pots of savings (eg, Home maintenance fund, emergency fund, etc)

I guess I'm just strangely nervous about replenishing my emergency fund, but technically I only really need 3 months, which I'll have in Regular Checking and Savings. And I have the Emergency Fund as backup for an additional 3 months.

Just not sure what happens if it runs out? 

I don't know why I have this aversion to having too much Cash on hand?

I was going to say that's what the $10k Fun Supplement is for? 

I don't know. But I'm done thinking about this for now.

The sun is out and I'm trying to soak up every last piece of this day!

FIRE Saved My Life!

 That was just a sensational headline. The premise is that my life was worth saving, which obviously I don't believe. Well saving, I guess, but worth living- I think not.

I think what I'm trying to say that if it weren't for both pursuing FIRE and achieving it, I would have been much closer to ending my life than I ever was. Considering how over the last 2 years or so I've just been toggling with my death date just to cope with living and how close I came with the pistol permit and all, I think I would have been one step closer to not being on earth.

The reason I think the pursuit helped to prolong my life is because it gave me something to achieve, to work towards, to look forward to. It added just one more milestone in this game. And having achieved it with no reasonable heirs, I couldn't dare leave all that hard work (ie, dollars) to my silly brother. 

So I'm living to spite him(?) or my own self, and he doesn't even know it. Oh, the games we play.

I can't go to church anymore because it sets me up for false hope. I don't know what life looks like after this year or 2023. 

I don't know what the next 40 looks like. This used to be very scary, now it's just slightly less scary. It feels less scary because I was so afraid of making the wrong choice and living essentially the life I just lived the last 40 years of twists and turns and SO MUCH DISAPPOINTMENT.

I'm my own protector. I'm my own fantasy. I'm my own decision maker. I'm the only person who is going to love and take care of me and physically, emotionally, and financially support me. That sucks, but at least I can stop looking.

I'm committed to the soft-life (vs the hard life) for as much as humanly possible. I'm committed to the easy choices, the short explanations, and the simplest solutions. I'm committed to things and people that make the most sense for wherever I am in life.

As you know, I have to affirm and re-affirm decisions over and over in my head until it sticks.

I think I'll still keep my focus on Seattle and stateside for next year. Partly because it's easy, I want to do it in a practiced way, and I want to stay stateside just a little while longer.

The things I'm most sure about is definitely maxing out my 401k and frontloading it in the beginning of the year. 

I'm mostly sure about spending May to October in Seattle. 

That'll be more confirmed after I spend this October in Seattle. 

I'm mostly sure about sticking with the short term rental companies vs AirBnB or some other housing option.

I was thinking today that if I get the choice, I want to pick projects that are more Eastern time vs UK time. Those early wake-ups are tough in NC, and even tougher in PST. 

But depending on my projects and sleep routine, I may click about for some more time-preferred locales.

Even if I didn't immediately take to walking in the park daily, I don't want to be stuck in the middle of a concrete jungle with no open free spaces. Not yet, not right now. 

That being said, I am looking at living part of the time in downtown next year. It doesn't really make sense, but I just like the idea of it I guess. I liked the hustle and bustle of it and then hunkering down in my apartment to escape. 

I'm looking forward to October because it should be getting darker and cooler. I'm looking forward to having those 3 weeks off work and being alone with no structure of work. How will I cope? I'm also looking forward to that last week where it will be cooler and darker and I'll have to wake up early again for work and see what that feels like. 

Although I'm no longer looking at living in Seattle full time, it's still a variable I want data on. 

So there we have it, we have the last quarter of the year upon us! Can you believe it! 

I wish I had a good metric of where I started but looking at old posts most certainly will bring me down.

Maybe later today or this weekend I'll fuss around a bit with more budgets and reflections. 

Fri, Sep 23, 2022, One last prayer

 Dear Diary, 

As I slowly and quickly (all at once) let go of 40 years of divine ordination, I said one last prayer..while on the toilet...so quite vulnerable.

I just felt myself slipping into old ways maybe as a last hurrah because I know moving forward I will be forever changed. 

I had to pray one more time in case there is such a thing as guardian angels, in case there is such a thing as romantic love; in case there is such a thing as life-affirming partnership and community; in case there is such a thing as a last prayer; in case my grandma, aunt, and biological father can intercede on my behalf; in case there is such a thing as being beloved individually by God; in case there is such a thing as pure, perfect love. 

I know I can't pray these prayers anymore.

I know I can't look for hope in tiny spaces and signs and symbols. I know that th Universe isn't a living breathing thing. It doesn't punish us for our actions or reward us in kind. There's no butterfly effect. There's no meaning, and there's no divine purpose. 

And it's okay.

So I haven't gone out or really socialized since Monday. I did fall into the dumps yesterday. I bought salty and sweet snacks and watched TV and binge-read internet articles. 

Maybe some things are science and not hoax - maybe it's just observed science that when you say goals out loud you really do feel like you've accomplished them. So it's not jinxing yourself. It's just observations. 

This week, I've walked the loop 0 times. I was just too tired from mental work exhaustion and not wanting to feel the fatigue and tightness on my legs from walking. 

Anyway, I'm all over the place. 

I will say it's a bit freeing to be released from some old friends like officially, officially - my cousin, my work colleague, my one friend from undergrad, and kind of my other friend from undergrad. A little bit my Maryland Aunty, and Seattle Mom.

Seattle Mom was part of a dream. Meeting her was a "sign" that I was "meant" to live in Seattle; and that everything would be okay; that it was the start of this great life and path to eternal happiness. That's a fantasy. 

Is this like sysiphus and the cave? I've seen the light. It kind of burns my eyes. 

So stay with me on this journey into the abyss.

If 3 high achieving black girl marriages served as the tipping point into this dating abyss, then 2 devastating black girl break-up and no-nos have righted me again. But not really because those relationships could also have worked out and we could ALL have lived happily ever after. I can't be comforted by the misery of others.

Oh well. 

I might spend yet another day lounging in bed and eating my snacks. I have essentially 3 events tomorrow. 

Thurs, 9/22/22, Resistance is futile

 It's near the end of Week 2 of my new life in Seattle. Had a flurry of a start with a work deadline. Then had a therapy session at 11a EST. There was a meetup I thought about going to that was a ferry ride to another part of Seattle. But because I wasn't sure we'd make the work deadline, I didn't get ready and so didn't make it.

Bummer. Because I do like a boat ride and I'm feeling a bit cloudy.

I just want to get back in bed and (maybe cry)? I don't know. 

The talk in the session was just about coming to Seattle because I wanted to and not trying to assign some sort of higher life purpose.

I haven't done much in the way of walking the loop this week but we shall see.

I know it's not great to go 3 days without seeing people, but I don't feel much like going out right now. I'm sleepy. 

I've turned off the notifications from the dating apps. With the pressure off to find a life partner and even lifelong friends, I'm not feeling particularly motivated to do much of anything.

I think I'll stay online for a few more minutes then let my status go to yellow and climb in bed.

I might sleep even though I was trying not to sleep during the day.

Accomplishments:

Made salmon dish

Made potatoes from the 3rd meal

Finished the endorsement

Started 1st part of references list

- Sliced some carrots

- Sliced some apple

- Loaded dishwasher

- Tidied counter after cooking

- Attended counseling session

- Set up payment for counseling session

- Cancelled extra session

Ok, my brain is telling me to sleep.

So as of now, I'm releasing myself from the rigor of walking, daily activities, friend-making and dating until next time.