More thoughts on emotional independence

 So I finished my counseling session about an hour ago. I held back some tears. Ate some pizza. A few tears fell. 

Am I dissatisfied with life or actually depressed?

I was trying on depression, but it still doesn't quite fit. 

Randomly flitted to weather report. It's just below 70 and a bit breezy on the balcony. It feels weird to actually be out here sitting on the balcony. I feel a desire to go outside but not sure where to go. It's supposed to be 80 tomorrow and then rainy and cool Thurs and Friday, and then we're back to the weekend. Nice!

I made a good choice to come here. I'm happy here. Happy?

Where was I?

When thinking about financial independence, there's a lot of talk about freedom. Yes, in the very technical sense of the word, I don't have to work to meet my basic needs. That's a great feeling, no doubt about that. From my perspective, it does give me more confidence, like between 20-50% more to not raise my hand for new projects or ask for more work. I am still shaken when I make a mistake because I do still require and am counting on this income for the plans I have for this year. And I still want to do well enough to keep the job for as long as *I* want. That's the fine line. 

So in the short-term, I am dependent on this job, but in the long-term, I'm not. 

The point that motivated me to come outside and draft a new post was yes...while I am financially independent from my job in terms of meeting basic expenses, I could definitely benefit from having more money in the bank. If I were laid off, I wouldn't need to immediately find a job in order to meet my basic costs of living. And I wouldn't technically need to for the rest of my life.

So to liken that to emotional independence. Yes, I am technically fine on my own. I am living without hugs and kisses and physical affection. I don't have a friend group I can reliably turn to if I'm feeling down or want to share a happy moment. I am self-reliant. I pay a therapist. And I have extended family that I could probably call in case of an emergency, but for the everyday stuff, I'm on my own. But it's lean. I can get up in the morning. I can take trips. 

But like my cheapHouse, it's a factor of circumstance. It's a risk benefit analysis. I'd rather be self-reliant than choose the options that have been presented to me. It's desirable only in that the other choices were less desirable. 

It's hard to break free from the herd. 

There's a connection here that I'm trying to make, but am not getting there.

Basically, would it be nice to have 2.5 million dollars banked and live in a nicer place and have nicer vacations. Heck yes! But is that achievable given all that it would take for me to get there...No. I'm not wiling to aggressively save anymore than I already am (and already have). I've given all I can give and all I'm going to give. I'm not desiring to climb up further in the corporate world. And I don't want to put myself through another round of jobbing because last time it devastated me. So almost by default, but also by choice. This is enough And it also has to be enough because the alternative is not worth the risk. At this time. I say at this time because I don't want my brain to feel caged in and limited. Tomorrow I may wake up and say, Forget this...I'm gunning for Senior Vice President of the World. I'm going to keep working if that's what it takes to have a different lifestyle. But for now, I'm not saying that. This is where I am. So this is where I choose to stay.

So on the emotional side. Yes, when I think back on childhood and I was just emotionally spending my time and resources and energy with other people. I never thought about cost-benefit. My emotions and energy seemed infinite. It was boundless. It was sustainable and renewable. It was like rain and clean air. It was breath. It was just there.

I don't know what happened in adulthood, but I'm more acutely aware of my energy. It no longer feels limitless. It is finite. It's just not as effortless to socialize. It's not without consequences. When I spend x units of energy, I want x units of return of that energy. And it's just not there. 

So just like winning the lottery, if someone wanted to give me 2 million dollars to upgrade my life, I would take it with a resounding yes. That is already stored in my brain as a value-add.

So if someone wanted to provide me with emotional support that required minimal amounts of investment on my part, that is also an easy Yes! (So to that end, I'm not desiring to do much more than I already am, and it just so happens that what I'm doing isn't quite enough. There's no passive income of friendship with the emotional investments I've already made.)

But just like the effort both in earning and saving it would take to reach 2.5 million dollars seems more than I can bear, so too is the effort in cultivating any new meaningful relationships. Even though I would benefit from those new goal posts, I'm out of units to give to both the financial and emotional pathways those would require. (In sticking with the financial analogy, maybe I tried to cherry pick stocks...and lost; but was the index fund of relationships - church? faith?)

This is all I can do right now. The lulls of my job fool me into thinking I could continue to do this long-term. But once the project is active again, I'm reminded of the reality. So the best I can do is enjoy the sweet spots. Like I'm in right now.

With relationships with others, the lulls in my sanity fool me into thinking I can handle the roller coaster of emotions that comes with adult friendships. But once I get on the ride, I'm reminded of the reality. So the best I can do is enjoy the sweet spot of my independent time. Celebrate my simple highs freely by myself and work through my non-catastrophic lows with a therapist. Just like I'm doing right now. 

Tuesday in Nashville and what I would do with 1 million dollars

 It's Tuesday morning in Nashville, and it is nice and sunny. I watched MAFS last night and they're filming in Nashville. That must've been where I got the idea from! D'oh!

Oh well.

It's so sunny, today might be a frose kind of day. I wonder when my food will be delivered. If it's early enough, I want to do burgers and get some frose. I looked again at the vegan selection at Jeni's ice cream and none of the flavors look all that exciting. I mean, truly, dairy free ice-cream is not that great. 

And I want great things!

I'm nervous because I started a dispute with Orkin. Luckily, I also started a chargeback with my card companies. Hopefully 1 of these paths will resolve the issue. Now I don't look forward to checking my email. Can I just save life-tasks for Tuesday so I only have 1 day of distress.

In other news, I got another Catalyze award. For 5,000 points!! That's a lot of gift cards!

Landing didn't take my booking and I tried to follow-up on them for dates that would work. Crickets. Have I ever told you how much I hate dealing with customer service people. I figured the best way to probably use the 7 day free travel is to tack it on to an existing reservation. But that's not what they promised. I see why people leave nasty reviews for customer service.

But I refuse for this year to keep tumbling down as it's been doing. 

Gosh, it's so sunny, I do just want to go outside and frolick!

I have an appointment with Katie in 30 mins so I'm trying to pass the time. When will I stop being nervous about these meetings! 

Tomorrow is March 1! I can't believe my birthday is less than 2 weeks away! 

And honestly even though Landing didn't accept my booking, I decided to just have a month long staycation. I picked out a couple of eats and I'll just supplement with some shows. And that's that. I don't have the heart to spend any more money and I'm still recovering from the 4 days of clicking just to book this trip. So this will have to suffice as my birthday trip!

I can't believe it's the last year of my 30s! Whoa.

I really, really lived 39 years on earth. Wow! That's an accomplishment. I kind of feel like I deserve retirement at this point. That's a lot of crap to put up with. 

I feel a bit tired because the iPad kept running last night so I woke up when one of the shows got loud and didn't really fall back asleep until the sun came up. 

Maybe I'll go walk to the park later. I feel like I should be outside. Been cooped up too long.

Oh, for a while now I haven't been that excited to play the lottery or even win a million dollars. Who knows how many happiness exercises start with some premise of removing a financial barrier. But I haven't been able to come up with anything. There's nothing I feel like a little more money would do to change my life. And I didn't really want to go through the trouble of coming up with a new life plan and a new outlook. I'm stuck in my narrative until I die. I have all the accoutrements to prove it.

But yesterday, I realized, I would get a nice place. If I had a million dollars. 

I think I would move. I said Seattle, but I'm not 100% confident about Seattle.

But I like living in an apartment. It's a small space, not as much maintenance, and I like this little balcony I have and all these windows. It's the perfect size for me. 

This is still money on a smaller scale. Obviously a billion dollars would change my life, and I could dream bigger. I think a million dollars didn't seem like a lot of money because in FIRE terms, that's only $40k/yr and while that's more than my leanFIRE number, it's not life-changingly more. I currently make more than that in a year. 

But I think some recent challenges that money would solve (not problems) is I would live somewhere nicer and maybe go back to renting. Also, if I still desired to take my long stays... I would be able to afford to stay nicer places and not worry about deal seeking.

So yeah, I think that's what 1-2 million dollars would do to change my lifestyle.

FIRE is freeing, but there are some restrictions. 

Monday in Nashville, Morning

 Another glorious morning in Nashville after Sunday lamentations. I woke up toasty but had a coughing spell last night and felt strangely cold. 

I don't know how to work the dumb Nest thermometer no matter how much I tried. Sometimes I turn the dial and the heat goes up, sometimes nothing happens.

I dreamed about Dan; I asked him to meet me somewhere and he did. We spent the whole day together. And then my nemesis was like oh, he always comes out to this event when I ask him to. Womp, womp. What kind of dream was that.

I know these dreams aren't real and it's not a sign. I see Dan's name everywhere. I never realized it was such a common name. But I know now, it's not a sign. There are no signs, world! We see what we want to see! I know these feelings aren't real. They aren't a purpose or a passion or an objective. Because those things are all mad-made. There's no bigger message here.

This was the result of a lonely woman snooping and daydreaming. 

Wow, I can't believe my full week in Nashville is here. I got some yummy snacks and hemmed and hawed over a $10 fruit plate; then ended up getting $4 worth of cut pineapple. Overindulged on a bag of popcorn ...now feel too full. I prefer feeling a little hungry because then I can eat more things.

I finished off the ribs last night, and I have a large chicken breast I'm going to reheat today and stretch over  2 meals. Then my food box is going to come tomorrow sometime.

I paid $400 on the trip today. I still have about $1200 left plus whatever expenses are still to come. The only other thing I want to try is frose (because why not) and maybe some vegan ice cream. That shouldn't be more than 20 or 40 bucks. I should be able to scrounge up food for my remaining days here. 

It looks like my statement closed Feb 25th and all the large expenses were in that statement, so I will have to pay the balance off by Mar 20...womp, womp. 

I've enjoyed watching my Lifestyle Fund grow, so it'll suck to see it dwindle. I'm not sure when I'll pay the balance off yet. I only have 1 more paycheck before the 20th. I kind of want to wait until I'm back so I can see the final balance in full. And I kind of like just swiping the credit card while on vacation...feels a little more freeing and I can separate it from my regular expenses.

Yep...credit cards make me spend more! There's something about my regular allowance card where I mentally know there's only a certain balance until the card is declined. Which there are some social implications there...and I think just the stress of having to regroup makes that a harder line to tow.

But with the credit card and it's huge credit limit, that actual physical barrier isn't there and my Brain cannot be trusted to mentally stop me from staying in the limits. 

That got me to thinking. Since this travel hacking thing is a ways off yet, maybe the Chase card won't be my first card. That's an unknown. What is known is the 3 trips I want, rather am planning to take domestically out of my regional airport - which only flies Delta and American. And those cards get me a checked bag. So if anything, put the side goals to the side and focus on the knowns. 

I think my next credit card will be Delta or American. Probably American since I already have had their card and used them all last year for my flights to Seattle. 

And things change yet again. 

Nashville, Sunday, 630a

 So I'm awake. I've been awake for an hour. I used to try to make myself be still and lie there until a normal hour like 8a or 9a, but I'm trying to be a bit more flexible with my rules. 

Since I'm in pseudo-vacation mode, I can nap or rest in the day if I want. But it's a blurry line to walk because the routine is there to help me structure my day and get better more regular sleep. 

Already checked my work calendar for tomorrow, and I don't have any early meetings. Yay!

Yesterday was another full day of just reading blog posts. I got hungry and went down to the BBQ place at the end of the block. It was nice and cool. My jacket would've been nice, lol!

Oh well, I was outside for less than 5 minute. I lived.

I scarfed down those ribs. And even the normally watery greens were able to be swallowed.

In the end, ordering online made me save about $11 because I could make an easy substitution that I would've been too timid to ask for. Yay!

I got everything I wanted. I love when that happens! So I went from being food poor to being food rich because my meal kit is due to arrive on Tuesday.

I still have about 3 slices of pizza left, a 1/2 chicken and another serving of leftover ribs/brisket. I really shouldn't need to buy any more food at least until next weekend. 

I still haven't made my way to Kroger to get some oil and seasoning for the meal kit. I was tempted to just go to the convenience store to see if they had a small bottle. But I also think I might want to get some fruits/veggies for at least a couple days. 

I briefly browsed Meetup last night but nothing felt too compelling. I will say I was inching to go outdoors yesterday, but the weather was just too cool for my liking. Maybe it'd been different if I'd brought more appropriate outdoor gear, but I doubt it. Just good ole Brain playing tricks on me.

Oh! Speaking of Brain, I was reading thepowerofthrift yesterday and she calls her depressive brain Precious. It was nice to see someone else whose brain tricks them like mine. She says she actually has a diagnosis of severe clinical depression. 

But I could relate to some of her musings...

This entrenched sadness, I call her Precious, lives in the center of my bones, in my deoxyribonucleic acid, in the chemicals in my brain and is as much a part of my sense of self as my financial acumen, my wit, my height. Precious is a big part of the reason I went for early retirement and why I spend so much of my time contemplating happiness and how to achieve it. I yearn to feel some semblance of control.

With every birthday candle blown, every shooting star located, every coin thrown into a designated water spot, I used my wishes only to beg the universe for a coffin in the ground, to push the fast-forward button on my life, to stop feeling so freaking empty.

I was shy, but I made friends without much effort. I earned good grades easily enough. I was physically healthy. I wanted for nothing.

Except death.

It hurt to breathe. I would wake up in the morning devastated that I had to live another day. I felt exhausted all the time by the effort to pretend that I didn’t despise existence. I thought the world was cruel and unfair and everything felt wrong. I had no idea where these feelings came from, but I desperately wanted oblivion.

What I do understand is that when I’m taking my medication, I feel better. I’m not as emotional. I don’t think about death or dwell on the injustices or despair at the meaninglessness.

It’s not anxiety, exactly. It’s a sadness so deep, I can feel it in each heartbeat. No matter how much attention I draw to my breath, the heart continues to weep. It’s exhausted.

I’m tired and I don’t want to play anymore. But I don’t get to decide when I’m doing playing. I’ve learned to just live with the woe and wave shiny objects at my face to distract me from my heart’s laments.

School! Work! New habits! Lists! Boy! Social! Travel! Write! Do! Accomplish! Finish!

You know, live a life that’s full of intention.

God, that sounds exhausting. I’m so tired.

My default is sad. Unless I’m constantly distracting myself, my mind slinks down into darkness. I’m bad at everything. Even hyperbole.*

I’m an obliger and do wonders with living up to other people’s expectations. When a parent or a teacher or a professor or a boss tells me what to do, I do it. I’m easily led and I aim to please. You betcha.

But as a retired grown-up, I didn’t have anyone telling me what to do. Drifting malaise resulted.

I needed accountability.

So, in January 2019, I followed my mother’s advice and found a part-time job to whittle away the time before death.

---

So those are excerpts. I don't relate to everything she said. What really perked my ears up are the distractions we use the whittle away the time before death. (To me, this is what all humans are doing, but our brains just kind of think it's pointless when you can just skip to the end.) I think she admitted to being institutionalized, so it gives me some hope that I'm not as far gone as I could be. And I don't feel that way all the time. But when I am feeling that way, it does feel like I've always felt the way. But now that I track my moods and am admitting it out loud, I know it's not true. 

Did I ever tell you that when I was lamenting to my therapist about dating, he asked if I had to date white guys? To me it seemed to suggest, I should date black guys. But I hate the presumption that that would solve the issue. 

I have felt for awhile that on issues of race, this guy just doesn't get it. But honestly, I'm not really interested in looking for another therapist. I'm not entirely sure what the purpose of therapy is to know what to look for. So for now, he's good enough. It's nice having someone to talk to. And it's nice having a man to talk to. In my mind, it's good practice. But since I've erased 'life partner' from my life to-do list, I'm not sure what it's good practice for. Old habits die hard I guess.

Even as I sit here, part of me desperately wants to join Hinge....just to see, I'm telling myself. Just to look. When really it's ...just to emotionally self-injure myself. I've come so far. I haven't had to deal with active romantic entanglement for 4 months. I'd love to be boy-sober for a longer period of time than that. I say active because the remnants of what I'm dealing with is just mental entanglements. 

But I live close to a Medical Center, and there's just something so alluring about dating a doctor. That's like the holy grail of boyfriends right! 

So it's just like a sex addict grazing past a strip club. Or an alcoholic going on a booze cruise or pub crawl. My spidey senses are tingling but this isn't good for me. I can't have just one sip. 

Grace and permission

 It's Day 3 in Nashville. It's around 6:30a Central time on a Saturday. Woke up a bit teary. Just dreamt of romance is the best way to summarize.

Mourning the loss a bit of a dream life I can no longer articulate.

I know I've been vocalizing and confirming that this is it. Is this really it? This IS it. But the reality is a different thing altogether. So the mourning and grieving and the realization and the confirmation continues.

I finally realized - duh, I do read. Just because I don't read books doesn't mean I don't read. I'm not sure which audience I thought was watching and judging me. But when I read people's goals about reading books and think, I should do that. Why don't I do that? I start to feel like I spend too much time on screens (another thing popular media tells us is 'bad'). But I read blog posts pretty much every waking moment when I'm not watching TV, and we know I have about 16 hours of waking moments pretty regularly. That's a lot of content to be consumed.

I spent pretty much all of yesterday reading blog posts. Once I realized, I was reading, I stopped feeling bad about it and stopped feeling the need to limit myself. 

When there's something good to watch on TV,  I will watch it to my heart's content. When there's something more interesting to read, even if it's 'just' a blog, I will read it to my heart's content. So my happy place doesn't look as exotic or as widely recognized as others. No further comment.

Yes, even without the other socials (eg Facebook, Twitter, etc), I'm still letting strangers decide what's good enough. Sheesh! 

I'm trying hard not to soapbox my lifestyle choices but The Messaging is a force to be reckoned. 

So yes, a bit teary.

But I made a good choice.

In the end, I'm glad I came. No, I'm not crying less which I think was some of the mire I was getting caught in - would it even matter? So the data shows I'm not crying less, but I don't think I wasted my money to come.

When I'm not crying, I'm secretly silently smiling like a Cheshire cat. I can't believe I'm getting paid to lounge around in a new city. 

By The Messaging, I should be out exploring and meeting people. But it's Day 3 and I'm doing the same thing I would be doing at home, including crying, but with less snacks. 

I don't know... I'm still glad I came. It didn't solve my emotional problem. 

But it did check off the desire to take advantage of my time off and go somewhere else to wfh. It's not big and splashy, but it punctuates the moment enough. Baby steps. I had 2 weeks of downtime and I wanted to celebrate, punctuate the downtime...do something different. And I did, I manufactured some stress to distract myself (from the emotional problem) and I'm here. I achieved the outcome of being in the new city, and also without necessarily intending to, I've ticked off more days away from home! Yasss!

I'm still mad I unpacked my coat and sweats. And even though I was able to use money to save the day, I think I'm deciding not to pick up the sweats I bought from Amazon. It's another task and another decision. And as it turns out, I'm fresh out of decisions.

Yes my coat would've been nice to go out in the rain, but I can also wait for the rain to stop. And where exactly was I walking to in the rain. I think Logic was part of the argument.

I'm still not sure what my obsession is with packing light. I just hate, I think, when you have to repack and stuff everything in a suitcase. It just feels stressful. I love having lots of room in my suitcase. I just do. I hate feeling overstuffed. I think it represents my cluttered mind. So if I can have a physical representation of something with lots of space and free to roam, it's more calming. 

So even packing is affected by my emotional state. Wow!

The packing also is more confirmation of how much my mood is in flux and weighs in too much on my decision making. But also...that it's in flux. Whatever I'm feeling won't last forever. It will DEFINITELY recur, but that's not the same thing as lasting forever. 

So my current coping mechanism with my low moods, is just kind of tracking them and observing how long they last.

Now I have hard evidence that even the strongest of moods eventually gets replaced with another mood. I was very confident packing my sweats and jacket and scarf when I packed on Monday when the weather was cooler. When I was leaving on Wednesday and I was sweating to death in 80 degree heat, the coat and sweats seemed so unnecessary despite weather reports that it would only be that hot 1 more day while I was in Nashville.  But being stuck in hot mode, it was difficult to believe I would EVER need a jacket. #moods

So these low moods.... I'm crying and weepy...woe is me. I'm all alone (and nobody likes me). Yes these things are fact and unlikely to change. I'm not happy about it. But I won't always be crying about it. Fact. It won't always be the only thing I think about. Always remember the coat, MERJ. Remember the coat.

Oh as for the blogs I read yesterday, it was more people who had reached FI. One thing that stuck out was once reaching FI, go ahead and 'live off' your investments. Not literally. But I think it was more like live within the cast off of your withdrawal rate and see how you like it. I did a quick mental check yet again because technically that $20k has never been my actual balance, but confirmed (with my spreadsheets) that when I take off the extras and am left with just core daily spending, it is consistently < $20k. That's comforting.

This gives me a little bit more reassurance that I'm doing a lot of things right. I'm still looking for a little more reassurance of my huge travel budget, but for the most part I'm okay with it because logically it's purely discretionary. (Enter in the thoughts of strangers on the internet.)

Although I will say, I was introduced to some higher withdrawal rates and finally stumbled upon a Trinity study chart. And summarily, I could withdraw at like 8% and still be fine for 15 or so years. That suits me just fine. 

My long term life plans are not concrete. So I like knowing that if I ever wanted to get splashy when $20k/yr feels too restrictive, I can. At 8% I could withdraw like $40k/yr which is my version of chubbyFIRE. 

That seems like so much money! Can you imagine.

So yeah, it's nice just having affirmation after affirmation, that financially I'll be okay with many different ways to slice the cake.

It's nice getting the affirmation that even with my leanFIRE pot, I am still officially FI. To see other people live and vocalize that they don't Have to work for money, makes me feel the same too. That internal knowledge (thought not fully actualized) is extremely transformational. 

It makes me feel comfortable in my current job - in the small moments when I'm not actively raising my hand for more work or trying too hard to politick. I still do give 100-120% but when I stumble I can bounce back just a little bit quicker. 

Ohhhh, side note, completely unrelated...but when I was snooping around, The Dinosaur has left the company! I can't tell if she was let go or quit on her own. After 25 years! She mentioned in the past that her job had always felt a bit insecure, so I'd be surprised if something finally drove her to quit. But I can't believe they finally let her go...and why??? 

But what really got me was she was terminated in January! So that means you work the whole year and don't get your bonus?! That would make me so mad! 

(Accomplishment note:  Just pre-washed and loaded the dishwasher with the dishes and tools I think I'll need for the week! Yay, it was weighing on my mind because I wanted it done by Sunday. I felt the urge to do it, so I capitalized on it! That was the last barrier to success with for my meal kit that's due to arrive on Tuesday! I'm feeling immensely good and accomplished... like now I can just relax and enjoy my weekend and get ready for the great week ahead!)

Um... really?

 Before I get into why I came to post today, I checked my work email. I got a Catalyze award to just me (ie, not the whole team) for the 2 deliverables I just delivered. From the regulatory lead... citing amongst other things....my soft skills! I definitely did my best to be very nice after getting a tip from our program lead that he required some massaging. But I felt like I kept messing up. 

Which is so funny because just this morning I was wondering if 4 years of call center work gave me any useful skills other than customer service. Which to me hadn't proven to be that useful. And now this. I was questioning this because when binge reading Living with a FI he had reflected that working in customer service for tech support  helped him learn how to talk to people. 

I don't think it did that for me, and it had me questioning if it had provided me any useful skills (at least in my current life). That was actually part of the reason I left the call center because I felt like it was all I would be able to do, ie that would be my only marketable skill.

I 100% thank FIRE for my job hopping. I had been wanting to leave when other people left but with no direction. I had even thought about going back to school or starting over (yes, making less trying something else... I had no real appreciation for money as you can see). 

I like reading living with a fi... I can't relate to his strong negative opinions about his job or positive reasons for wanting FI, but I like reading his story. I can relate to his unintentional spending and once learning about FI, how it became a framework for managing my finances. It's been such a boon.

Honestly before getting the Catalyze award, I was coming on here to lament some more. It's Day 2 in Nashville (not counting the travel day), and I was already down a bit. Same me, different city. I just feel like a ghost.

An exercise that has helped in the past when I felt stuck was to make a list of what would make the situation better.

I thought about plotting out what I wanted in life...but that got broken down into default, reach, and stretch goals. Then I abandoned the idea quickly because it started to move towards making friends and a partner just out of habit. And I'm not sure I want those things or again if that's just what I think I should want.

It almost feels like the myth of looking for a 'dream job.' I'm fine with what I have until my interests change/evolve. Change seems superficial, capricious, and arbitrary. Evolve feels like growth and progress. 

I had a weird dream last night...well a few, but I woke up with one. I was stuck in some sort of bush and the bush had leaves like on a vine and they wrapped around my arm and everytime I panicked it would get tighter. And I kept screaming, please Michelle! please! But whoever this Michelle person is would just say I can't help you. I wish I could but I can't. Not in a way where she physically couldn't but in the way that ...she could but didn't want to.  Then just when I thought I was free or about to wake up, it had wrapped around my foot. 

Before that I woke up in a sweat, drenched. It happened the night before as well. Last night, I ended up just changing clothes and laying on a towel because I was just wet and miserable. 

I thought it had to do with sugar because I had cookies before bed on Night 1, but the only high sugar content I had last night was Pop Tarts but I thought that was hours before bed. 

I don't know where these night sweats come from. But they happen. 

Last night in my abundant free time I started thinking about sugar as a drug. Mayo Clinic suggested going 2 weeks without sugary foods ( > 5 g of added sugar) to give your body a chance to reset. I hate deprivation exercises but I do think in some time in the future, I probably will need to be better about my sugar intake.

We all know about alcohol and obviously hard drugs. But is sugar intake worse than alcohol intake. I think because people can be functional diabetics.  And alcoholism can really slow you down. But I think in psych terms it only becomes a problem or is considered an addiction if you can't control it and it's disrupting other parts of you life. But I think people can get treated for it even before it's technically a disorder... I think. 

And also, not everyone who overeats sugar becomes a diabetic. Does the same thing happen with alcohol? Do all binge drinkers become alcoholics? Or is there different tolerance levels with that as well as genetic disposition. 

I'm really glad I never developed a taste for alcohol. 

One thing I want to ask my therapist, especially after reading how much this guy valued the relationship with his parents and partner...is what am I missing?

My vision of husbands based on negative media and my community of influencers are:

- Men stick women with babies, they don't help take care of; either the man sticks around and does an unequal share (regardless of income) of household and care taking duties; or drops out of the woman and kids life completely (again regardless of income)

- Men do provide income

- Men cheat on their partners

- Women do the homemaking - making food, cleaning the house, planning appointments, and parties, get-togethers, vacations, even the wedding that they were engaged into, manage the household, and most of tasks that make adult life run smoother

- It just feels more at will on the part of the guy; but a woman feels (either from societal pressure or some other pressure or need for status) to stay even it sucks and it doesn't benefit her; why else do women stay in abusive marriages

- Like the best you can hope for is at least a financially contributing partner

- You have to train him to be useful around the house; and constantly perform to be rewarded so he won't leave you

So yeah... I got off track a bit, but even trying to think through this year or the magical 5 years ahead....without this magic candy relationship, I'm not sure there's much left to achieve.

Still happy

 Today was a great day at work. I went to my meeting and had no other pings the rest of the day. I lounged around in the bedroom. Opened the window.

Read some old blog posts from Living with a Fi. It felt like just reading a novel, so I took it as that. There wasn't advice, he was just recounting the last 13 years of his work history, and it was an interesting read.

I tried to sit outside and decided it was too hot. And was impressed that I was able to abandon the idea quickly without hemming and hawing.

I was still quite a bit nauseous from the turbulent plane ride and sitting in the bathroom seat. Don't do that again, MERJ. I'm realizing physical recovery from acute bodily insults are not as quick as in my twenties. The little comforts matter. Just when I think the neck pillow I have at home isn't working, I sleep in a new bed and my neck hurts ever so slightly. 

Anyway, I lounged around a bit with only a tiny bit of guilt that I wasn't sitting upright. But since I decided I had lingering motion sickness, I let myself lounge more. I tried some hot tea. And felt okay but didn't take the ill feeling away. Munched on some airplane cookies, then a few almonds, and potato chips. I was going to just lounge a bit the rest of the day, but somewhere around 2p I decided to forage for food.

Darn Google. I scrolled and nothing sounded good.

Waited a few more minutes, scrolled some more and decided on sushi. It was nearby. It turns out a few of the places I'd looked at prior to my arrival are feet away from me and on the same block, so I will not have to walk far at all (w/ or w/o my jacket or sweatsuit if need be). 

I easily plunked down $30 on mediocre sushi, salad, and soup. I got exactly what I wanted and didn't think twice. Didn't know it was going to be so mediocre. And I thought it would last 2 meals. I guess I was hungrier or had long eye. I ate everything. I liked the cucumber salad (ie, the dressing). If I ever go back, it'll be for the salad. The rice was too mushy and I could only slurp up a few spoons of soup. I'm just not a soup kind of girl unless I'm very cold or very sick....or probably very hungry (w/ no other options). 

In a stroke of luck, I observed and could act on the fact that there was a gas station randomly on this same city block. Ginger ale! It's what I've been wanting since that first quake of turbulence almost 24 hours ago. 

I wasn't hungry enough for the barbecue feast I had planned for today. Sushi was the better option. 

Maybe I'll go tomorrow or maybe Sunday. I don't know.

But the $30 on 1 mediocre meal (am I in Seattle??) motivated me a bit to think more on getting a meal kit. 

A few hours later, that's exactly what I did. $26 for six meals (even I make one, it's already a better deal in food, but probably not in effort).

Look at me pivoting and not mentally flogging myself. I do tend to act when motivated or compelled. So there's that.

I looked back at my old notes that had flagged Marley Spoon and Hello Fresh. I tried to peruse through the instructions. I kind of don't really care for Hello Fresh but I had been craving their hamburgers. And in the end the items they offered were easy enough to make with my limited supplies.  Their aggressive marketing and discounts helped too. 

I ended up with ...burgers, fish, and porkchops. All meat and potato simple or simple-able dishes. Duh, I don't have to do exactly what the recipe says. At some point, I'll have to get some oil from Kroger.

I have also been craving grapefruit which I feel like is my body telling me I need hydration because I'm just picturing a really juicy grapefruit.

So maybe I was probably a bit dehydrated (more than normal) on the flight because it was a hot day and I was low key sweating for most of it. 

So I still have a few items of eats on my list, but luckily none of them were must-trys. I of course have to eat some bbq before I leave. I'll have to do it by Sunday night so I'm good and hungry when my box comes on Tues. 

Yay, I'm really glad about that actually.

Having had the sushi, it's kind of kicked the craving for any Asian food at the moment.  

Honestly, barbecue is the only real item I want to make sure to have. The rest were just day fillers. 

But I think for now, no pressure to go out or figure out food more than every other day. 

So tomorrow, maybe oatmeal and go to Kroger for fruit, if needed. I have to figure out where the Amazon package locker is. Maybe some dry cereal. 

I got some minor errands done and just did a brain dump of some little ideas I had. 

Did I already mention, the next Uber driver in my hometown I connect with, I might offer them a flat fee for pickups to the train and airport so I don't have to worry as much. I think $10 is fair, especially given Uber only charges me $6 and I think they get less than half that. We'll see. No pressure if I don't it right away, Brain. I can already feel you breathing down my neck. It's just a thought.

Anyway, so it's 8p EST/ 7p CST here in Nashville, and today was a good day. 

First night in Nashville!

 I made it y'all. So far, so good.

I think there were even sadness lulls on the plane. There are just little things that remind you you're alone. I'm trying to get into the mindset of this is my life and I 'chose' it but that doesn't feel right. I know I don't necessarily 'want' to be married, per se because I don't think men have evolved, but I'm still working on my mindset and approach.

But each day I do feel more like the new me that I'm trying to develop. Stay tuned.

Anyway, I had a nice bowel evacuation to start the morning off. I was able to use the nice water pressure in the kitchen to wash out my sore tooth and gum. 

Some observations and things that have gone well and could have been better:

- grr, the heat yesterday totally overrode the packing I did when the weather was cooler; ended up coming without my jacket and unpacked my sweats; as my brain likes to fool me.. I couldn't possible imagine being cool again while sweltering in 80 degree heat yesterday. 

- but as soon as I got to Nashville, it was rainy and my room was cool; all I wanted was to get in my cozy sweats! just as I thought I would. weather is confusing. I also just hate packing and lugging a bunch of stuff; grrr, feelings; but luckily, money comes to save the day; ordered some sweats online at amazon; they offered free amazon prime for 30 days so I'm getting one piece today and the other tomorrow; after the flub with unpacking, i even bought 2 sizes of bottoms because i suddenly couldn't remember or decide if I was a small or medium on the bottoms. in the daylight, i'm clearly a medium, but I was so cold last night, i wanted everything to fit as cozily as possible. 

- glad I already had it in my mind to take Uber to get to lodging; didn't have to even toggle with trying to take public transit. $50, meh

I think stumbling upon that article about spending more, helped..a lot! I guess it's like when you're an active Christian - you have to go church and be around church people to remember all the things. Honestly, I need someone like that in my my life just to remind me of my priorities and what I value; I definitely struggle thinking through things especially when there are strong acute emotions.

- as for cooking, I was glad I waited until I got here to check out the digs before buying a meal kit; ick, I was not motivated to cook anything. Luckily I had already picked out meals I wanted from hello fresh and blue apron. So I didn't have to spend additional time deciding. But I did look again just to make sure, just didn't have to spend as much time ruminating. I thought I could get the Hello Fresh ready made meals as part of the package, but they were only able to be added additional. There was a brief moment of stress with Hello Fresh because it started to feel like I wouldn't be able to opt out of the meals once I reactivated the plan to figure out if I could add the ready made meals. Phew, luckily I could! 

I did kind of have my heart set on cooking and having a cozy week in, next week, but maybe I'll find some stuff at the grocery store that's more oven ready. 

Packing for a temperature range between lows in the 30s and highs in the 80s is tough. In the future, I think I will just have to get on board with taking a checked on bag. Hopefully with an airline card, this will be free. Yeah, I think anything over 3 to 4 days, max 5 if the weather is consistent, will need a checked bag.

And I'll pack more of my comfort items. Like my 1 pot; and some paperware. Oh well. I wanted this to be a quick (long) weekend getaway, so that was accomplished. 

But yeah, having an array of snacks to get me through the first day is a great idea. Good options - cut fruit, nuts, oatmeal, and potato chips. And always spring for the $3 airport ginger ale especially after a turbulent flight.

- I opted for Chik fil A lemonade and sprite at the last minute after being put off by the 3-4 dollar bottled soda. And then realized how difficult it was to carry a cup of soda vs a bottle I could toss in my bag. I could have poured it in my water bottle but I really wanted the water in case the water at the place was gross for some reason. And I just wanted a water bottle. In the end I made it to the door of my apartment and the flimsy cup of lemonade and sprite promptly spilled all over the hallway. Ugh. 

As far as the place, I'm excited to get on the balcony and sit out at some point. I wasn't sure of the view, but I think it's just fine. Side note, there's a fifth third bank across the street. There's a bonus I've been wanting to get with them, but I didn't bring my SS card. Darn! So funny because I saw it on the map, but didn't realize it was this close. 

It was cool when we were driving up to recognize some of the places I saw on the map. I think that helped with the excitement.

One little minor snafoo. I had a work email that had come in at 3:41p. I thought about turning on my notifications when I turned off my laptop, but though...meh, I don't want a get a bunch of nonsense notifications from all my personal calendar reminders. But luckily, I checked my email when I landed in Atlanta, it was around 6p, and was able to respond. Phew!

I keep forgetting priorities..err..work.

So now, notifications are on. I probably need to figure out how not to get them before 7a. 

Mmm....randomly found some tinned body cream at dollar store, in travel size. Just used it on my hands, and it smells so nice. Better than what was provided. But glad the apartment provided some lotion because was worried about that for a sec.

Thought I'd do a mini review on first impressions, now that I've stayed in 3 separate short term rentals.

Viktoria - downtown Seattle- Zeus Living - most expensive, also the nicest. Great rooftop view and lounge space; the space was nice, and smelled neutral which was awesome; Had cable and nice dishes; didn't cook and mostly used the paper plates I brought; also nice fluffy towels; and had initially provided full size bottles of soaps and shampoos and laundry pods but stopped doing most of that; downside - that street in downtown seattle is kind of sketch but in a downtown way, not in a poor people way

Kasa - downtown Seattle - forgot about this one - cruddy and smelly, but has a full kitchen; would likely not stay there again unless desperate and it was cheap; but it's strangely not cheap; I booked this as part of a bundle on Expedia. I think it's about the same price as Sonder

The Loop -  Hello Landing - loved being near Greenlake, it was precisely what I wanted; I think all the cookware seemed pretty new; and there was good variety including storage containers. I cooked at least 6 meals and it was a good experience having everything I needed; it was cheapest because I got a bit of a deal; but the view was of a vent, and being that close to city was noisy; also it was a studio with only an armchair, not a couch, no cable, and the washer had a funky smell because you couldn't open the soap drawer all the way

Village 21 by Sonder - only stayed for 2 weeks so the price was in the middle if I remember correctly for the month; definitely feels more aged than the other two places. The carpet is kind of cruddy and just general signs that other people have lived here; the noise is heard in the hallway, every time someone enters their room; and the street noise is quite audible, might need double or triple paned windows. Kitchen tools did not inspire cooking but did come with full stove and fridge and dishwasher; doubt I would want to stay here for a month, and unlikely I'd come back here. 

Today, I am going to have a lie-in, and then get some Tennessee meat! 

Spending more (and tears)

 Part of what I've been trying to figure out since reaching leanFIRE is how to spend more. Frugality was easier because there was a goal and not a lot of room for feelings.

Yesterday I stumbled up on the podcast/blog called 'I will teach you to be rich.' Granted the people he talked to in the few episodes I read the transcript for where multi-millionaires, but he was basically like stop haggling over a few hundred dollars if it'll make your life easier and better.

I thought I was doing this for the most part, but probably not regularly and not at the hundreds of dollars level. 

This was a huge hiccup in figuring out what I wanted to do for this 2 week lull I have between projects.

I spent so much time trying to figure out the best value cost wise until it stopped being fun and it turned into a chore and wanted to not go at all.

But there was also a lot of emotional turmoil there as well. 

He also talked about adding magic to the experience, which I don't really agree with the term, but basically, he just wanted you to spend more money. One of the guests liked coffee... so the discussion led to a trip to Italy with his wife or Paris to try different coffees and maybe getting a barista to come to their home to show them how to make better coffee consistently.

Or the couple who almost cancelled a trip to New York because one of the nights of hotel stay was significantly more than the other; which meant they ended up switching places midway through the trip.

Yeah, I can see me doing some of this stuff. I mean that is the promised fun of travel hacking after all. 

But I also am questioning how to unlearn some of these behaviors.

One thing he also said was sometimes you have to experiment to figure out what level of spending is worth it to you (that might've been the other host), and you may not get all your spending decisions right.

That is definitely where I get stuck. That somehow one bad spending decision is going to lead to a lot of regret (and an unspoken catastrophic outcome). He also said to trust yourself that you kind of have guardrails in place that you're not going to make a decision that will essentially bankrupt you. 

I guess this is probably okay general advice for the FIRE population and not someone with a spending problem. 

So some food for thought.

Accomplishment:

- having the good sense and using history to even think about booking this getaway

- booking the getaway, despite the mental shenanigans

- spending the money, and even spending for the extra day since my flight leaves late the day before

- spending the money on the flight, the lodging

In this moment, I am feeling quite light headed. I've noticed that has been happening in the mornings when I used the standup desk.

I thought it was because I'd had a banana on Monday and that was too much sugar which led to too much insulin and caused my blood sugar to drop. But it happened yesterday and it's happening today (Wednesday). 

Also my arm got fatigued just showering this morning. And I couldn't make it through brushing my teeth without having to take a break and switch to using my left hand. Groan, when I say physically my time in the workplace is limited, this is part of it.  So I'm not sure if the standup desk is helping. 

In other news, I was still trying to unpack the weird turmoil I was in the 4 days prior to booking this trip. I think some of it was pre-emptive. There was some overwhelm of spending an additional 2 weeks alone with my thoughts. There was the sadness of just thinking about it. And there was sadness of imagining how it would feel. So it compounded on each other. It was 2 different feelings. 

The last person I had a non-work/ non-customer service interaction with was my therapist last Wednesday. He's out of office today, which contributed to some of my panic. 

So all in all, for the last 2 months, I think I spoke to my aunt twice on the phone. And my old work friend a handful of unsatisfying times. Max 5. I've had 7 phone interactions with people... in about 50 days. 

 50x24 = about 1200 hours.

So in the last 1200 hours, I've interacted (virtually) for maybe 7 hours... that's 0.5%... yeah you read that right.

I spend 99.5% of my time alone with my own thoughts. Not talking. 

What's keeping me up at night these days? (Nashville, Luxury Travel Reasons, Ideal Life Trajectory, and more)

 Last night

Was actually ruminating on different drafts to my HS friend. Wanted to disingenuously invite her to my Nashville trip since she just happened to mention wanting to go on a weekend trip. I'd mentioned it... (after checking my email)...Sep 2022. And then promptly written it off.  This doesn't hurt my feelings anymore because I've kind of restarted my life...or at least in the process of restarting my life. FIRE was the reset point...but it's still a bit undefined. 

This morning I sent the email just saying hey I'll be in Nashville, feel free to stop by. Those are all facts. 

Actually this morning when I woke up I remembered she has 2 young kids = cooties. So now I'm kind of hoping it doesn't work out. Quick mental math told me it's very unlikely a mom of 2 young kids will be able to spontaneously go away for a weekend. 

Work stuff

Actually my document has been moved off my plate!!!!!!!! I'm free. I had a high level of confidence I'd be able to get it out the door by 1p my time and that was why I was kind of thinking it'd be #morefun to leave for Nashville today. But in the end, it worked out. Better to have the extra time and not need it than the other way around. I felt calmer yesterday and I think that was a direct result of not leaving until Wed.

Nashville

What has helped to sustain some level of excitement is that I found 3 eating places and an ice cream place with dairy free options. 

My loose plan is to eat out first when I get there and then try to get a low priced meal kit for next week.  Mostly because I like the idea of the vacation house. This is just my Nashville house. So I'll be a little bit of a tourist, but this is just an extended weekend away, so life is as normal. 

I got really excited about the barbecue. Mmmmm ribs. I even went so far as to pick out what I wanted (and of course find the best deal cost wise).  I love looking at menus before hand so I can daydream about all the options. Thanks, internet!

But that being said, I did wake up a little anxious today and was starting to feel some dread about the trip. I don't really know why that happens anymore. So I'm glad I did just go ahead and book it just 2 days in advance. 

But all in all, I'm excited to get away. Tomorrow I get to decide if I want to get my hair done. 

Side note: I fantasized about sending a picture of ribs to Dan because we'd bonded a bit about that. But #achievableoutcomesonly. This is my weekend away, not my scarred for life getaway. Sheesh. But it's good to be able to call it out. My feelings are still trying to dupe me! 

Man it's amazing to have that last doc off my plate, and I didn't have to interact with anyone!!!!!!!!!

Luxury Travel

One of the many things leading to my hesitancy with booking this totally non-essential trip is the cost. Yes, I technically budgeted for $20k for travel this year with the plan to spend about 4 months away from home. But apart of me just wonders if after 5 years having spent $100k if I'll regret not saving that money and moving into a nicer place.

Some thoughts:

- My low cost of living now is what affords me to spend $20k on luxury travel

- Everything after FIRE is house money

   --- because I'm not aggressively saving anymore

----- it's this money or the rest of my life

----- i'm living on borrowed time and spending on extra money

- Would having a nicer house reduce my need to luxury travel and get away so much (I don't really think so..yes my house is pretty basic but I don't know that a nicer house would make it that much easier to be alone all the time... I mean it would at first...but 3 years later?)

- Ultimately I choose the known of financial security that comes with keeping my costs low vs the unknown of emotional outcomes (ie, a nicer house in a better neighborhood); the thing is ...let's just say I could find a place for $200k.... I would have to work longer or save more to pay that off. As it stands, I doubt I have more than 5 years left in me. Doubling my housing cost let's say by an extra $1k/mon would put my lean FIRE budget closer to $32k/year...which puts me at a leanFIRE budget of around $750k.  I think that would take at least 2 or 3 more years if not the full 5.

I'm not willing to extend my time in the workplace. Part of what keeps me sane now is knowing I Could quit and be okay.

So yeah, regrets be darned. 

I'm not planning that far in the future. I just can't.

And I can't aggressively save anymore. I just can't. 

It's easy now for more Stable Brain to flog Mean Brain, but when Mean Brain was in power thinking about the future was not even an option. Everyday was meant to be my last.

I knew this would happen once I started to feel better. Which is why I want to document this conversation with myself as often as possible.

Also, best case scenario... I make it 5 years and make it to a million dollars. I can easily break off $100k and move into a nicer place.

So, Future Brain, given your recent mental decline, dare I say, mid-life crisis...this is the best of both worlds. You get to enjoy financial security and luxury travel.

You're winning. girl, just accept it. 

I think it's just hard to let go of that frugal mindset and the aggressive savings and wanting to accomplish something and have something to show for it.

So my financial house is in order. My emotional health and well being remains a priority for the near future. Again, self, you are living on borrowed time, my friend. Do the things. 

That's pretty much all I have to say on the subject. I will have to do these check-ins with myself often I imagine. 

Side note: Still feel so freaking amazing to wake up to work already done!!! Yasssssssss, friends!

I saw this Frugalwoods Case study yesterday that talked about this woman going from feast to famine and being stuck in that cycle. Also the Frugalwoods themselves did it... they lived in a crappy basement apartment and overrcorrected by getting a fancy townhouse.

Wasn't sure if I was doing a bit of that, or if that's just the natural cycle of enjoying the fruits of your labor. I hope it's more of the latter. It just gets confusing when no one is quite living the life arc that you are. I reached the peak...so I relate more to the 60 year olds in terms of what I want to do with my money. I want to spend it down because the jury is still out on how long I'm actually going to live. So that's another variable for me that's not there for other people. 

One year at a time, MERJ.

Moving away from that and thinking about life trajectory. This morning I woke up thinking...based on what I know now in my near 40s (vs when I was young and dumb), here's what an idea life trajectory might have looked like:

- High school - explore your interests, make friends, have fun, obey your parents

- Go to college, learn a marketable skill

- Spend the time after college, say 22 to 27, really establishing yourself professionally and figuring out your life plan a little... maybe travel or explore more interests, but kind of figure out your professional aspirations and social network; kind of start forming the building blocks of your future for all the areas that are important to you

- I think based on my own experience, age 27 is a great time to meet a partner; this way you can spend your 30s living together as adults; growing up together with some individual aspects and moving forward as a unit; in your 30s is when you can start having kids, so that your kids are at least school aged by your 40s; live more in the moment

- I think by your 40s, you can start thinking more about your future and finances post kids; you still have time to plan for a traditional or earlier retirement...figure out how far you want to grow your career; I just feel like by now you've poured your attention into parenting, and now you can focus on your finances, individual pursuits, and regetting to know your partner as a parent and partner and professional

This might also be a time to decide if you want to stay together... but I guess in the fantasy, the couple lives happily ever after.

So in my real life trajectory... I guess I have hit 40, and I've planned for my retirement; and in the process of separating from my life partner (my old self). I'm figuring out this life after 40 myself. I'm going to enjoy the fruits of my labor and take things at the pace they come. Just getting used to the pace of life after 40. There are no growth spurts or fast biological stages. Each year will look a lot like the last year...and sometimes it takes 2 to 5 years to move the needle in any aspect of your life.

But my mind is still childlike in that I want things to happen now, not in 1,000 sleeps. 

All calmed down and booked

 So I have now bought 3 delta tickets in just as many days. But I officially booked my ticket and Lodging! I wavered a bit on staying until Monday or Tues. Staying until Tuesday was the better value but also $70 more. It's like buying the economy size when you only need 1 egg. 

So I just went with saving $70 dollars. It might be too hectic to go from a Tuesday arrival to...another day off haha... well I have to go to the dentist that day. So it'll be good to have the buffer day.

Anyway, I'm really proud of myself because yesterday was 3 teary session at 5 tears each. Boo.

I just felt stuck in my head with all my rules and themes and objectives. Aggressively saving is way easier because the answer was always no. I don't have firm values-based spending down quite yet because my values are a bit undefined. All I really have is #morefun. And that I like eating TV and watching snacks... well... I got that backwards, but you know what I mean. 

Sorry about yesterday's post or whenever that was, I just published without even a second look.

But today is good so far:

- Attended 2 meetings

- booked airfare

- cancelled old airfare

- downloaded Sonder app

- booked lodging

- verified ID

- put emergency credit card in wallet 

speaking of which i still need to call Bank 2 to remove the block.

- started 2 loads of laundry

- went into scary closet to get carryon (vs being afraid of scary closet and trying to squeeze everything into too-small backpack)

- my mood is lifted

- duh, finished my document updates for the day! Just have to upload into system and start workflow in a few hours.

- i gathered most of the trash from upstairs and swept up some debri from downstairs

- all i plan to do downstairs is wipe down the island with some clorox wipes and call it a day

- luckily yesterday i emptied most of the dishwasher (big girl moves!)

wow I did alot today! and i ate a banana!!

- I have a loose packing list... but spring weather is tricky; I think the key is layers. Which I'm just kind of recycling the wfh clothes I left out from when I moved in 3 years ago. 

This trip is too unimportant for me to care that much about a specific item of clothing. That being said, I really wish I had my fitted hoodie within arm's reach. Don't really feel like digging through bins for it. 

OMG speaking of travel. I just realized I might have a worktrip the same day I booked my one way ticket to Seattle! How funny!!!

Obviously I choose the free work trip. Hmm, I wonder what this means for timelines and producing content though. We shall see. 

Oh, funnily enough, when I went to pay for my Sonder booking, I didn't notice an icon for my credit card, but they took the payment anyway, and the charge already hit my card. 

Some notes from my recent distress:

- Yes, there's a good deal to Egypt right now, but it really is the most sound decision to just wait to travel outside the US (that includes a quick trip to the Caribbean) when I have a working credit card in the correct name! I'm talking Visa or Mastercard. Unless of course the deal is really good. I tried to look at what seemed like a good deal on the Cairo trip but for about the same number of dollars, I can stay somewhere nice and travel with a travel agency and have that built in support and less hassle. I choose the second one.

- I'm just going to think of these trips as taking a trip to my vacation/beach/lake house. Haven't found a  moniker that rolls off the tongue, but I love the idea of a summer house (as seen on Bravo). But why wait for friends. So this is my Nashville House? Vacation house? City house? Meh. 

----- I do this because this takes the pressure off trying to manage my emotions as the primary objective. I'm just going for an extended stay at my 'weekend house.'

Meh, I don't want to go back to the darkness right now, so best to move on. 

Today, there are a few things I'm procrastinating on, but I got the big stuff out of the way.

Today for the trip -it's laundry and figuring out outfits; tomorrow is taking the trash out; then wednesday, if i'm up for it.... I might get my hair done. 

A few tears and a cancelled trip

 I don't know where we left off yesterday but I kept thinking about the trip until after 12 midnight Sunday. Grr.

At last look I was at 2 weeks in Nashville for about $1600 and a $400 rdtrp flight out of my regional airport. 

I went ahead and booked the ticket in case the price went up, knowing I had 24 hours to cancel for a full refund. 

I figured I'd give myself until 5p Sunday to decide. 

It's about 2p now and I just cancelled the ticket.

Maybe I'll just sit this one out. Surely, I can spend 2 weeks alone with nothing to do.

I'm not sure why I keep getting stuck like this.

Then a few tears fell. 

Twice today already. 

I just get so tired of thinking. I'm not even sure what I'm benchmarking this trip against to decide whether or not it's a good decision. Which overwhelms me. 

I don't have anything to lose other than $2,000. Which honestly, it's not a long-term regret. (That's another thing I thought of on Saturday when I left an egg boiling on the stove - do I leave it on medium high or medium...well which would you regret more/longer... a burned house or an undone egg... easy choice right!)

But when I'm stuck in this mental fog, I can't think clearly. 

I tried writing out the worst that could happen with the trips... or maybe deciding between the many I had on tap. Somehow I landed on Nashville for 2 weeks. 

But clearly, not feeling super solid.

I think the biggest variable is how I will feel. 

I know I don't want to be alone in this house for 2 weeks with nothing to do. 

What am I afraid of? 

Falling into despair. More tearfulness. Just a lower mood.

After just the last 3 or 4 days, I know I'm already out of things to do, but still can't motivate myself to act.

Side note: when I went to check my email just now, it looks like my Visa to Egypt has been approved! They work on weekends I guess...or it's automated. 

Then also I signed onto meetup to either motivate me to stay or pick a city. There was a nice message from one of the old lady groups. I didn't go to the event today.

I mostly just want to do nothing.

I think even getting ready to go...I don't have the excitement to pack as I would hope to have. 

I thought I would come on here to try to think it through.

Earlier today, I think I just figured...if it got too much to bear, I can just go to Nashville with not much notice. So maybe I would build some momentum.... cost be darned. 

On a whim, I just go my credit line increased by $300. The last time it was declined, so yay me! 

So I have $1800 I can float.

And I have about $2500 cash that I can use to pay something on one card while in America. 

Sorry, if that doesn't make sense.

When I was trying to make the $2600 month stay in Philadelphia work, I wasn't even sure I could pay for it. My one emergency CC doesn't have that high of a credit limit an since Q1 I run pretty lean, I didn't have that much cash in any one account. 

Eventhough I'd rather go to a foreign country with a credit card, now I'm thinking more about this Egypt trip.

It would be really fun! 

I would probably be best to travel on both days on the weekends though vs traveling on the weekdays an having to worry about logging into work. Eventhough I don't have much going on.

All in all, it would be really funny to go to Egypt spontaneously. 

I already had my days mapped out. 

I could try to leave this weekend and come back next weekend. 

I'd have enough time to get stuff done; get scared.

I just double confirmed and I have no real meetings except a 1:1 with my manager.

and 9a EST is 4p Cairo time...so I would literally have the whole day!! This is getting better and better.

I think I'm going to do it.

I'll def get my hair done for this one. 

Ok, off to get stuck in planning land!

Saturday news - too much trip planning

 Kind of why I hate trip planning is well, sometimes it's hard and I still get nowhere. Sometimes, it's fun to work out the puzzle. But sometimes I spend so much time planning that by the time it's time to go on the trip, I'm already tired.

I've been trying to find my way to a destination for at least the last 2 full days. I mean, I looked up and it was 3p on Friday after looking at places until 3a the night before. 

It seemed urgent. Then fun. Then frustrating. Then confusing.

Where are all the sites people use to find these cheap getaways and spontaneous trips! Have I been hood-winked yet again by incomplete stories?! It sucks that you have to constantly question what's real.

In present day, it seems like maybe the $600 carribean cruise or getaway is either a figment of my imagination; never existed; no longer exists; or was always a per person deal with min 2 people.

It seems to cost about $600 just to fly anywhere these days. I never realized that booking in advance was that much of a price difference.

Is this still COVID remnants? 

Or maybe my airport is just not a hot enough destination.

I'm not at a place yet where I can book that far in advance because...feelings. And also work. I prefer to do focused work in my home office with all my equipment and gear. 

Well my most recent project is on track to end Tuesday and there isn't another one currently scheduled. I do have some reg responses but not until after the 1st week in March, and no confirmed project deadlines.

So I wanted to take this time to at least do a tropical getaway or a cheap weekend away somewhere.

I had a budget in mind of $600 for like a 4 day weekend. This weekend was supposed to be a staycation 4 day weekend. But turned into a 3 day weekend (with minor distress on Friday) because of a team member. But luckily the issues on Thursday were resolved through email not more work!!

Anyway, I was fine with this weekend being a much desired 4 day weekend at home. The weather is nice. 

But after just a Friday with nothing to do, I was jonesing for a new adventure.

I love having nothing to do, but 7 years in... it's getting hard to figure out what to do with my time.

So I know for sure I have the rest of February off with just regular departmental non-project work. I can do that remotely! 

So I wanted to get out from this weird winter hibernation and enjoy this time off. Stay cation is the norm. I want to get out and do something!

I started with Nashville for reasons I can't remember. 

I think I saw it on a list of places on one of my short term rental companies. It seemed close enough, and seemingly undesirable enough that it would be cheap. It was not.

I almost plunked down $1400 for a Tues to Tuesday stay. But it did not seem right to pay $1400 to go to Nashville! That's just wild! 

On a lark, I looked up Cairo (on Expedia) for that same duration and it was also $1400! Ugh... I'd rather go to Egypt for $1400, thank you very much.

So then I got turned up about that idea. Mind you, I'd already decided I'd be more comfortable going international with a credit card vs these debit cards I have. So I was saving international travel for next year.

But this price seemed too good to pass up. And it was #morefun to spontaneously go to Egypt than Nashville! 

I was clicking away. And just decided to apply for the Egyptian tourism visa. Just to see. 

Then my debit card got declined at McDonald's (honestly, I think as a direct result of applying and paying for the Egyptian visa). Ugh, I don't believe in signs, but this was a gentle reminder that I don't want to be stuck in a foreign country without adequate means to pay. Shooooot. I think when I can get a credit card again, I might bring 2 for backup! My lands! Better than trying to estimate how much money I might need. 

I think what I'm learning in middle age is to stop rushing. There is plenty of time for everything (at least in my world). I've been sticking with the 2 year rule to remove this unproven and habitual sense of urgency.

A spontaneous trip to Egypt WOULD be fun, but it'll be just as fun to go next year when I don't have to worry about my payment systems failing. 

So I went back to searching for cheap Caribbean jaunts. Still nothing, but boy did I click around the internet.  Back to Nashville, then Savannah. Can I drive somewhere - South Carolina? Another part of NC? 

Somehow, again unknown how, maybe just from scrolling through the lists of available cities with the short term rental, I stumbled upon Philadelphia. I talked myself into a fun jaunt to Philadelphia.

Side note: Nashville searching led me to a new short term rental company called Sonder and I decided or rather re-affirmed my preferences to go with short term rentals vs AirBnB. My appetite for staying in someone's random house vs a professionally managed standard experience is low. I choose the latter.  I'm just not a small business supporter. I like big business.  I have to worry less about my black face showing up in some random neighborhood. Real or imagined, these are the things I think about. 

Anyway, after becoming acquainted with Sonder. I kinda started focusing on what cities they had available. So Philadelphia stuck out.

I can't remember if it was them who also had places in Maine and Canada. I was more excited to go to those places but something told me to check the weather. And oh yeah! It's still winter most places. We've been in the 70s the last couple of days as Spring is making random appearances. 

But good to add to my list of potential places to visit.

These days my visits are less about finding friends or partners or building community. They're just a simple way to get out of the house and put some fun into remote work.

Taking off and going on vacation in these places is not something I would probably do, but it's like a fun game to pretend to travel for work while visiting new places on the side. Hey we take our laughs where we can. And being independent means I don't really owe anyone an explanation.

Anyway, half my morning later on Saturday. I decided why am I spending $1000 to go to some random city in the US. Somehow going for the month just seemed to make more sense. Don't ask. It's a better deal and I can not feel rushed. And that actually got more exciting. 

I guess I like staying in cool chic apartments that I could never afford. 

But a thousand clicks later, I landed on a tres chic apartment in Philadelphia that had some eateries and a Trader Joe's nearby. Done! I'll stay a month for the low, low price of $2600 plus about $215 to take the train.

Oh that was part of it... either pay $600 to fly to Philadelphia or take a 20 hr train ride roundtrip. See why staying a week made less sense. 

I just didn't see myself being on the train for 10 hours just to do it again in a week and just to go to Philadelphia! Bananas! 

Then I had lunch and thought...wait...why was I not wanting to pay $1400 to visit a random US city, but I'm suddenly okay with paying $3,000?! What sense does that make? 

And as always... I got more comfortable with a 10 day stay in Philadelphia for about $1100 + $215 to take the train.

So yep! Back to the the $1400 I started with. This happens to me alot. I get sticker shot from the original price. After clicking around for a few days end up right back where i started and the price suddenly seems more palatable. 

I know this happens so I always write down the price I am trying to beat so that when I suddenly feel I've got this great deal... I can laugh frustratingly that I just used up countless hours to be right where I started. 

But somehow in my mind 10 days in Philadelphia for about $1400 is better than 7 days in Nashville for the same price. 

My made up reasons below:

- Nashville means driving about 86 miles to RDU (inconvenient); (which by the way in my mind always rounds to 100 miles); plus paying for parking which is upwards of $10+/day. 

Okay, that's pretty much it.  But it seemed like a much bigger inconvenience in my head. 

Somehow Philadelphia seemed better because

- It's more of a city

- It seems conceivable like more of a walkable city

- I get a few extra days ...Wed to Saturday vs Tues to Tues

- and it's technically a bit cheaper lodging. So it feels like I'm getting more for my money.

I don't know just driving that far to the airport made it seem serious. Like, why am I driving almost 100 miles to get on a plane to go to Nashville. When I can take an uber ride to get to the train station (to take a 10 hour train ride). Dumb right. 

I don't know... in my brain, if I'm going to Raleigh it's to get a really good deal or go somewhere international. That extra step of driving to another city (almost 100 miles away) just made it seem #lessfun.

So I found myself checking metrics:

The trip to Nashville at 7 days for $1400 was about $200/day.  (or $175/day if you count it as an 8 day trip Tues to Tues, including both travel days). 

But to Philadelphia at 11 days for $1256 was about $114/day.  That includes both travel days. It'd probably be a little cheaper but I'm paying for an extra day Tues night so I can arrive early on Wednesday and be able to check-in before 4p. Altogether, it's about $108 more to pick the more convenient travel time and peace of mind travel time.

It's $76 difference to book for Tues vs Wed. I figure a day use hotel room will run me about $100+ and this is less hassle.  And it's $32 to take the midnight train and arrive at 10a (also don't have to be worried about missing a full day of work + the time should go by quicker in the dark than being on the train for 10 hours in the middle of the day). 

Let's do the math really quick... to fly would be about $300 one way. (Checked again, and it's about $400 on AA if you just buy a one way ticket... tricky, tricky)

This scheme plus the train ticket is $136 + $76 = $212. So I guess I'm saving about $88 to do it this way. 

Makes me wonder slightly if the hassle is worth it. 

But I do get a little bit longer time in Philadelphia and in my sweet place, so that's a win. 

I realize after typing all that that those numbers correspond with the month long stay. 

I just did a quick calculation for the 10 day stay and I'm at

Tues to Saturday= $1043 (room) + $219 (train) = $1262

Wed to Saturday = $949 (room) + $600 (flt) = $1549 (diff = $287)

Anyway, I'm pretty decided that I'll just stick with the 10 day getaway. It's like an extended getaway.

And when I looked at the upcoming weather for NC, it was nice and sunny with some cool days mixed in.

Plus I'm supposed to be getting a free week from Landing in Wilmington.

So as much as my workload might be light this upcoming month, the weather will be nice and maybe I'll be able to get out more. No promises.

Then my high school friend emails me about meeting up for a long weekend! Sheesh. I spend under an hour thinking up possibilities. But I finally decided those days are gone. We live in 2 different cities, so I'm not sure how that would work. I'm just going to keep making my plans and if she can join in on them, that works out. 

So take-aways:

- Probably just to leave any actual international trips to next year unless a really good deal comes up

- When in doubt, your travel metric is a good place to look if you're unsure if a price makes sense

- Plan your trips; even if you don't go, you had nothing better to do with that time anyway

And I'm going to sleep on it, but probably as soon as I wake up, I'm going to make my Sonder booking. I was hoping there was some promo codes hanging around the internet, but alas, nada. 

As for packing, as a fun challenge, I want to see if I can get away with just taking a carryon. I want to just pack some cozy comfy clothes and explore everyday like a Saturday tourist. 

I love it when my life goes well

 Had a manager's meeting today. It was fine. Nothing troublesome came up. My document is being QC'ed over the next 2 days so my workload is very light.

All my CEs are done.

I even ordered a new ergo mouse. And had the strength this morning to put my stand-up desk topper on my desk. I love when things go my way. I have so much energy!

Yesterday was the perfect dinner of Chipotle's kids meal. 2 soft tacos and chips and I'm drinking the apple juice this morning. 

I might even get another today!

It's better than trying to figure out how to finish a burrito when I'm only hungry enough for 2/3 of it.

And magically my desk drawer is closing 99% of the way instead of partially. 

I took out my last 2 big braids and tagged on a hair appointment when I go to town for my dentist appointment. 

I still cheaped out a little versus getting exactly what I wanted, but oh well. My baseline goal was to get this hair cleaned!

I might feel inspired to go the braid shop or the dominican salon before then, but it's a good backup.

My four day weekend has officially kicked off!

I decided if the new desk adjustments isn't helping my arm pain or butt pain after some time, I give myself full permission to just get the adjustable desk.

My butt and lower back pain has just been so uncomfortable. 

I might have to ease into standing all day though.

I feel strangely rejuvenated. I'm glad I have a break from therapy next week.

I think I decided just to put the Dan (and Sean) thing to rest. Too many unachievable outcomes. I don't want to be pressured into SX, especially unprotected. 

And this is my year of only achievable things! No hard things!!!

Today, I feel really good about it. When I compare it against what I'm trying to accomplish this year, it's an easy No. And the thing that requires the least action is just to let the Google voice number expire. 

Only achievable things!!

I've been trying to put my Promise Ring (to myself) on my ring finger but it just keeps irritating. I'm torn on whether I want to announce to the world that I choose me. Or just live my life without feeling the need to proclaim or soap box or be aggressively proud of my life choice/circumstance. I live for me. And I don't live in opposition to or as an affront to anyone else's life. 

Because there's not the audience we imagine. 

It's a good day nonetheless

 Well I've got my last deliverable off to QC! Phew! I have a meeting with my manager tomorrow, and hopefully I can take it easy until Monday. 

And I don't have any homework for Monday, so this weekend has all the makings for a great weekend!

There was some work stress and emotional distress earlier because therapy, but I feel good anyway. My counselor and I don't see eye to eye on race and dating, but it's not my job to convince him. Although it would be a little easier if he just saw things the way I did. Oh well!

My next biggest dilemma is figuring out dinner. When I was putting the finishing touches on the document, I told myself I'd treat myself to some chicken nuggets, but now I don't really feel like it. I have one more pack of noodles but I want to save that for a special day. 

I might just have some oatmeal or make some muffins later. The sun has gone down, so it's much cooler now. 

I just lay down for about an hour and that hour went by so fast. 

Without dating, I don't know if vacationing in Seattle makes as much sense. Now I'm wondering if I can replace Dubai with Miami in the winter.

But not sure about summer. Or Fall for that matter. Maybe it's a decision for 2024 me. 

Yay, my last few tax statements are turned in and my tax preparer is on it. I'm curious to see if she will be able to advise me of anything. 

I thought about not continuing with full service but since it was just a couple clicks to add the last 2 documents the easier thing was to just keep going. Spend that money, MERJ! 

I think I can still have a fun summer even in Seattle without dating. Whatever I decide, I'll just have to round up as long as I can get out of the house. 

The only other city I'm considering is maybe Boston, that's the only city in the NOrtheast that's offered by the short term rental companies.

I've already lived in California, so not sure San Diego will make the cut. Plus, California is like prime skinny white woman territory, so yeah, that might be an easy pass. Well that was easy. Pacific Northwest it is!

It has to be a city with a lot of transplant people, I'm just not getting that vibe when I think of Portland. Seattle might still win.

I did enjoy the train travel and visiting the nearby cities when I spent a summer in Boston though, so we'll see. 

Maybe Boston in the Fall?! Huzzah! I like this plan. Welp, Seattle still wins for cooler weather in both seasons. I have to remember that was also a reason.

I just probably need to find a better spot with more eateries.  Or maybe I'll just stick to City/Lakehouse vibes. Just teetered a bit.

Alright I'll stick to the plan. Done!

I think I'll just eat some oatmeal and watch time go. 

Silly mistakes and a re-challenge

 Ugh, I forgot to add timelines to my last email. In my defense, my team mate was supposed to send the email. And I was already nervous because she logged off for the day in what felt like an unfinished conversation.

Our big boss of the project seems to remember little mistakes. I don't want any trouble.

Luckily, after this, I shouldn't have too much more to do with this project.

I hate that when I was dreading my meeting for today, I started to think how much longer I needed to keep working. It's not a huge ask at all. And it's not as though I wasn't prepared. But I just was not looking forward to it.

I've been living on easy mode the last couple of weeks, and I like it there. I mean after I sent the last email, I mostly just have to sit and wait for feedback, so I technically have the rest of the day for less focused work.

But yet, even these short bursts of work seem a bit much. Working a full work week just takes so much out of me. I blame half of it on non-COVID, ie whatever mysterious illness I seem to be plagued with that is still lingering. 

But I'm so glad this is about to be out the door. The kickoff for my next project starts Thursday while I'm finishing this one up.

Luckily, I had in my Life Plan for this year to focus on work, so it's not as though there's something else I need to be doing. Honestly, it helps to have this written down because I can remind myself that this is all I need to be doing right now.

But yeah, I wish I wouldn't dread things or at least not dread them and then also re-challenge what I want my life to look like everytime. 

So in the re-imagining of my life, I seem to be heavily flirting with the idea of calling it in after 10 years of work as a pharmacist. Which will put me at around 2025. 

I can't believe it's already been 7+ years. Wow! She old!

On the slow days, I think...yeah, I could make it to 1 million dollars without trying. But on the harder days, I wonder if I can make it 2 more years.

Luckily, I've decided not to plan my life more than 1 year in advance. So all I have to do really is make it to tomorrow. Which I can definitely do!

I question the wisdom of putting me on such a high profile project. But here we are. 

Accomplishments:

- Not abruptly quitting my job to avoid the meeting this morning

- Getting a lot of my deliverable done before today

- Finally activating my new debit card

- following up with Landing - allegedly they'll confirm my 1 week reservation next weekend; I didn't have any brain cells left to make alternate plans

- Um, randomly saw what looked like a good deal to Seattle and booked 1 way for May

- Getting enough rewards points to qualify for a free happy meal (glad I thought this out before the time came)

- Responding to email about cousin trip

- Not messaging people because I think I can handle it (I can't!!!)

- responding to the lawyer about the will and trust documents (I don't want to go through with it)

Side note. While looking for a picture for a work thing, I came across a screenshot of one of the last messages from Sean. I almost forgot his name. Wow, what an imagination I had. His message clearly stated he didn't think there was enough there for a friendship or relationship. Somehow I only focused on his words about me not being there. So suffice to say, for as long as I can remember, that dream is dead. 

Hmm, I have been wondering why I'm even going back to Seattle. The dating dream is dead and buried. But I can still pursue the lakehouse dream. Right now, I'll probably go for Summer session, but not so sure about the Fall. 

I want to go somewhere cool with a lot of good places to eat and walkabout. Landing doesn't have any listings in Portland, Maine, or I'd go there. 

Can I just say how much I enjoyed drinking my fruit punch soda and eating chips the last few days. It's so sweet and tasty!

That's all for now. 1 more month till bonus day!

It's too hard...

 I think a lot of these negative emotions are work-stress induced. I have a meeting I have to lead tomorrow and some very stressful timelines and work conditions. It just makes everything else seem a bit insurmountable.

But I keep going because this first quarter is just to focus on work, so I can let everything else go to the wayside for now.

I know I have to prioritize and this is what I'm doing.

I bought some wrist weights a week or so ago that have just been sitting on the floor. I was just tired of my whole right side hurting so much. It hurts to brush my teeth because my muscles are so fatigued. So I thought if I could wear wrist weights around it might help to strengthen some muscles in that area. 

To not pay for shipping I bought a second pair of weights in a different size. 

I tried them on about a week ago. Last night I tried to put on 1 weight on my wrist and 1 weight on my ankle. After a few minutes, I decided it was just too hard.

I just wanted to give up, so I did.

I, quite literally, can't take on anymore weight right now. Not even 1.5 pounds. It was just too hard.

Right now, I just feel that way. Other than focusing on work and going to therapy, that's about all I can manage. 

Things that are just too hard right now:

- Dealing with non-automated life functions

- Getting into better shape/ resolving inactivity

- Socializing

- Planning travel

- any major life changes, thinking, planning, or acting

- chores around the house

The list goes on. It's a weird cycle because I think if I did more of those things, it would help pass the time and I wouldn't feel so zombied out. But I just don't have the energy right now. 

Phew, Travel Bug, Solo Life

 Ugh, I got a bill for $10 from Spectrum. I was ready for a fight with customer service, but luckily it wasn't necessary. I double-checked my account and I did in fact owe them $10. My budget app was showing I had paid them, but my actual bank account showed I had been refunded the extra $10. Phew!!!

I hate dealing with customer service people.

Anyway, I'm glad too that the struggle wasn't whether or not I had the $10 to pay. FIRE for the win! 

Anyway, sometimes we forget the good systems we have going for ourselves. I know I do all the time. When things are running well, I forget to pat myself on the back. Some people still pay their bills every month with a check or log-in and pay.

I'm glad that my bills (and income) are consistent enough that I can put my bills on auto-pay right from my bank account. And the thing I do that I think is a little more efficient, is instead of logging into or setting up an account with each individual biller on their individual platforms (groan, more-logins), I just use the Bill Pay feature from my bank! 

I helped set up a committee member with this and she has benefitted it. I have my rent/mortgage, internet and utilities on auto-pay with my bank's bill pay. And since it's the same amount every month, I have that amount automatically routed from my paycheck each month. (Plus a safety net cushion of course.)

I still attribute a large part of my financial awakening to that little bill pay window from my old credit union. It just had the nice tally of how much my bills for the month would be. That was my first taste of tracking expenses as a career lady.

I'd set up budgets before in grad school but it was mostly to balance the money because you got your student loan payments in lump sum. So I mostly needed to figure out how much I had to leave out for rent. 

So yes, auto-pay works for me for expenses and savings.

And as I move away from aggressive savings/accumulation, I'm finding the multiple buckets helpful. I know at some point, I'm going to streamline that, but for now I have quite a few separate pots of money. Especially since I have this second life running concurrently with my working life. 

Which brings me to my next topic. Travel.

I was watching Below Deck Adventure and it sparked some interest to get out of this house and go on some adventures. I've just had it in my mind that I can do a quick getaway to Cancun or Cabo for $600. But that has not been the case. In my most recent search, it seems that's maybe the price PER PERSON on a 2 person adventure. The cheapest I could get for an all-inclusive 3 night stay was a little less than $1500. 

That's just not the cheap adventure I had in mind. So just another reminder of the premium I have to pay sometimes for solo life. 

So looking at this trip, the Golden Girls trip to Antigua... I just can't seem to make international travel work this year. 

Fifteen hundred dollars is not enticing in the least for a short trip to Mexico. I've been to Mexico twice already and I've been to the Caribbean before as well. Beach vacations just don't do it for me, I guess. I'll go for free, of course, but it's mostly the water sports that seem fun. 

So I think it's a no for now on both trips.

I re-looked at Cairo, and I was at first really nervous that they wouldn't offer the independent trips again, and was actually just okay with it because... life. But then wouldn't you know - they popped back up for the new season. So I'll be right back here next year. But just like traveling itineraries, it's way too soon to book or think about life in 2024. Definitely no sooner than Q4 of 2023. 

And then Gate1 was having a Valentine's day special, so I clicked just to see. Western Europe is not really on my bucket list unless it's a really good deal. Honestly, I'd probably go anywhere that felt like a really good deal. Well after clicking around, I could probably spend a long weekend on an independent trip to Paris. And if they had Wednesday departures left,  probably would have impulse bought because I really want to do something fancy for my upcoming birthday. But there was only Saturday departures left and that would mean taking off 5 days of work vs 3. So it was a medium pass. The independent trip was around $1400, which is not too bad. 

But then I looked at the fully escorted trip and there was a Paris trip that also visited 2 other countries. That piqued my interest. 3 countries in one trip! Yes, sign me up. And I don't have to do any of the planning. Yes, please! I was tempted but again the Wednesday departures were sold out. And 5 days could be okay, but 3 days off work would be better. 

So if I had a list of trips, this would be on it.

But I don't.

I already have my plans for this year. And I'll be staying largely stateside.

But I'm open to a great deal. Right now the fully escorted trips on Gate1 will run me about $2500. And actually with my very generous $20k Lifestyle budget, I could afford to take quite a few of these. But probably not this year. And I'm surprisingly okay with this!

Welcome to middle age. 

I re-read some old Root of Good posts. He actually reached millionaire status in 10 years. I don't have good records of my financial details before 2018, but I wonder if I could be a millionaire at the 10 year anniversary of my big girl job. That would put me at Sept 2025.

OMG, that's only like 2 to 2.5 years from now! How scary!

In Sep of 2025, I'll be 41. Wow. That used to seem so old, but now it's just 2 years away. Wow. 

I'm getting used to this adult-years of timing. Even things I want to do... it just takes 2 years for stuff to happen. We have so much on our mental plate, that even though the number of hours in the day doesn't change, my desire and energy sure does. 

Just speaking theoretically because I'm intentionally not making any concrete plans for 2024, but I am going to have to accept the reality that it'll take a while for me to travel with points or for me to get to a point where travelling with points will be fun. And until then, I'll be okay with having a very padded Lifestyle budget. 

It was also nice to be reminded of someone else who chose a cheap house in a low cost of living area. So that they could re-purpose their spending for something else. 

A nice lake and trails would be nice, but the ultimate priority is affordability. 

I will say considering I hibernate in the winter anyway, I might be open to a new location if it's cheaper and offers a bit more in terms of amenities. Oh well, I'm not solving my housing problem anytime soon..... 2 years.

After the last few stressful Sundays trying not to think about work, I'm glad I didn't leave as much for Monday as I had. It feels better. Still nervous about a meeting on Tuesday, but I at least have a basic level of preparedness so I can go into the work week with just a smidge less dread.

Oh! I got some red pop from the dollar tree this afternoon. And it hit the spot! I splurged and bought a nice cold soda. I almost didn't see it because that store is a bit organized. But I know I'm not the only one who goes there for snacks because their inventory definitely sees a lot of turnover. It used to be a better kept store 3 years ago when I moved in, but now it looks just like every other sorry Dollar Tree. Oh well. 

Kinda bummed I didn't make my Valentine's Day dinner and a movie happen, but there's still time.