Still happy and other life updates

 Hi, friends!

Remember me? I never thought it would happen but I am starting to fall off the blogosphere. Because I'm medicated and living life. My feelings just don't bubble up as much and need an outlet. 

So ...

Work - I'm done for the year. Not only does it feel good to be done with a calendar year, but it also means I get 2 free paychecks with a low-risk of getting fired! Yay. I have to say, there is always a looming thought that I'll do something to make me lose my job. Even with my hefty FIRE safety net. 

Life - I am loving life in Newtown. Yesterday there was a bit of racial ickiness that reminded me of Oldtown, but I am working past it. I do wish I could say or do more in the moment. Other than that, I have lunch to go to later and tomorrow is a Christmas party. I have a kid I tutor this afternoon which is nice. And then I'll make some returns to OldNavy. I bought a puffy coat and scarf and a fleece. I didn't hem and haw and just bought them during the last cold snap. It was about $75 worth of stuff. I don't know how much walking around I'm going to be doing during cold weather, so we'll see how much use I get out of it. I do need a better hat for my noggin though. 

I spend a lot of time with my neighbor. He ended up staying the night every night for the last 2 weeks or so. Whoops. Things got a bit handsy and clothes came off. He says he isn't a good partner, and is not looking for a relationship. We haven't had 6 but have done most other things. I had a few counseling sessions about it, and I tried to set up the metric of love. But I think in the end, I decided I'm not ready for 6. And that's okay!

I will say ...without him, my year here would not have been as awesome. He is nice to me and spends a lot of time with me. And gives me a lot of attention. 

It's a bit hurtful that he doesn't see a relationship with me, but in truth, I don't think he's marrying potential. He's certainly not someone I would pick for a husband. Luckily, I've chosen solo living and I find a lot of power in that. 

I still think about Dan when we're together. 

So the great thing I need to remember that things are going to challenge my trajectory and nothing has to be permanent. I'm loving my identity as solo-living. And so a neighbor wants to bump uglies. I'm not sure where that fits in but I'm trying to go with the flow. Lots of caution ahead signs. 

I know this time of year has me craving attention and affection. So, tick, tick! As for living in the now, that makes it easy.

I decided to get the max on FSA next year. I would like to continue counseling for another year. Given that I've moved, am still learning what solo living looks like, and I'm on these meds, I need a professional to help me. 

And I also plan to complete 6 weeks of physical therapy. And continue getting my meds online - it's just convenient and feels more private. 

So that brings me up to about $3k in healthcare costs. I love that I can afford that. Yay for taking care of myself.

My expenses this year will be at an all time high. But now that I know what my projections look like, I'm learning to be okay with it.

Life is a lot easier when you're happy. I can never stop being grateful for automating my finances during the dark period. Because now, I don't have to do much heavy lifting.

I'm certainly not saving as much as I was during the dark period, but I know I can still hit my numbers with a modest savings goal. Yay!

So for numbers, I'll probably be below $60k this year but above $50k. I am so close to 700k that I want to delay paying off some expenses until 2024, but I think I might as well just do it and suck it up. 

But yea, that's pretty much it.

Work is fine. I think I have 2 years left there before I get re-orged out. I hope I reach 1 mill by then. I'm not sure what my backup plan is in terms of work. A lot of the major chain pharmacies are sending out emails looking for people, so I hope that's still a thing. 

Personal life is fine now that I've found a friend. I'm curious what life looks like when this year is over and we move away from each other. But enlightened me isn't all that concerned. After 40 years, I've gotten used to the lack of permanence in relationships. Now that it's no longer the goal, it makes these relationships easier. 

I thought 30 brought me a lot of history to make informed decisions. 40 is even better.

Financially, as long as I stay employed, I will be able to hit my savings goals. 

That's all for now. I'm heading to Panama at the end of the year, and paid off my Dubai trip for March. Then I want to renew my passport with my new name and move on with my life! 

Life is still good

 it's the friday after thanksgiving. i didn't open my mouth to speak since wednesday.

even though i'm stuck sick in bed, i feel good.

i spent time with my spreadsheets

came up with some numbers...it seems like FIRE is just around the corner.

i've been stuck with 2 years as my next inflection point...

so i'm wanting to move (apartments, not cities) so i have 2 cool years in a cool apartment...

but not wanting to do the labor.

in one minute, i'm all gung ho to move and have even picked out some dates and steeling myself to haggle with my landlord

in another, i just want to stay and live my comfy life.. but my lungs say otherwise

all in all.. no big changes for 2024... i'm still staying the course pretty much as before except i have less overall turmoil for where i want to live and social life...

that part is easy for now...

i'm staying put as my default position until i reach millionnair status.

i'm going to enjoy the heck out of the next 2 years...for now, that looks like... more trips, business class ( i tried and loved it), trying new things, maybe a road trip or two...

just anything that's fun and makes me happy...

i think working on mental health this year was a success...

next year for physical health, i'm going to complete my 6 week of physical therapy, and probably try pilates... ballet isn't giving me the stretching i need.

meh, blogging isn't as therapeutic as it once was because my thoughts aren't threatening to spill over.

thanks, meds!

In need of a brain dump...

 Work has been all over the place! But luckily, I was able to parse it out. Timelines and to-do lists help manage the workload for sure.

Mild stress but I channeled all the work to Monday and Tuesday!

Fortunately, I was motivated enough to do 80-90% of packing for my trip this weekend. Including laundry. It made it all manageable.

I love when my body and brain agree!

So I'm packed except for a few electronics. 

I leave for Egypt on Wednesday!

I just bought my last tour; downloaded What's App; got my passport and visa and all my docs printed.

Phew just double checked my credit card is not locked! 

Decided not to take the big one.

Because yes... even more proof that these credit card sign up bonuses make me spend more!!

So my debit card allowance is still the better choice for me. It's so easy to get spendy with a high credit limit!

I just don't think twice. I have an almost $2k balance on my credit card that I said I was waiting for the statement to close so I could get extra interest on my savings, but it's not worth it!

Phew. Once this is over... I'm freezing that card!

And waiting for my next trip. 

Speaking of trips. I'm getting tired of negotiating 2 names so I'm thinking of rolling the dice and changing my name before my March trip. It's a very small chance I'll be travelling overseas between Jan and March. So I might renew my passport and pay for the expedited and hope to get it for March. 

Because I think after March, the wait times go way up!

So yes, I still have a bit of a spending problem with credit cards. It just feels free. It's so funny, how I'm usually so careful or at least mindful, but once that big limit card gets in my hand, it's a swiping. So yes, I need the physical barrier!

I feel like I've been so busy, socially and mentally, I haven't had much time to reflect on finances. Thank goodness for automation and all the years before. If not for that, I would have made no time to do any manual transactions.

I don't even really feel like it. I've been slacking on making sure my budget app categories are right. I just have other things I'd rather be doing with my time.

Which is a good thing.

This year was focused on mental health. I give my self a big fat A+. I stuck with therapy and started meds and upgraded my life all for the sake of mental health.

Next year it's supposed to be physical health. Not sure what that looks like, but I think I decided to go with the 6 weeks of PT as prescribed by the doctor. Seems like a good starting place. And a good overall initiation. 

I think I also decided to continue counseling for at least my first year in Newtown. I'm thinking about going down to every other week, but we shall see. 

That's pretty much all the goals I can think of.

My finances are pretty much the same in terms of savings... default - max out 401k. And stretch for $36k.  I'll probably have to do a reset of goals after a while in Newtown. But at least with some basic goals I won't have to beat myself up too much.

Again, this is all made possible from the last few years of aggressive saving and reaching my leanFI goal. I'm better with short term goals. And without a deep FI community, the purse strings are definitely looser than they have been! 

Onwards!

Outdoor Adventures and Reflections on the Move so far

 Well it's been about 2 months since moving to new town. And I just got back from my second camping/cabin trip.

I didn't make any friends or really have any substantial converations. But I loved being out in the woods and doing random outdoor things.

Eventhough these are not really my people, I am solo living. So it matters less. I enjoyed being in the outdoors. And the BBQ was good.

I liked the downtown and being nature.

So I'm adding it to my list of things I want to do next year.

I still remember some blogger who eschewed the pursuit of constant new things. She said they just continue to visit places they enjoy. I think that's the balance I'm coming up against. The call of doing new things isn't as strong. I like finding some things I enjoy and returning to do them.

It's November and I haven't made my plans for next year, yet. Imagine!

I already kind of had to update my budget because of the new car payment, so there's no shock there. I'm still hoping to be 65% of the way to my next financial goal by the end of this year. And glad I didn't get too ambitious when the stock market started rising not too long ago.

Because I have a much more active social calendar, some of my aggressive savings goals have fallen to the back burner.

This isn't to say I'm not saving. It's just not the dictator of my life anymore. I am way too busy with social events and exploring my new town. Plus, everything that needs to be done is automated.

So the day to day frugality is what's already baked in. Now new or significant big wins anymore. Or if they're happening, maybe they're not as celebrated. My priority is just elsewhere.

I barely have a desire to blog anymore. I sort out my feelings elsewhere it seems, what little bubble to the surface. Yay, medication!

So my budget for next year is pretty basic:

And as for life plans:

First, I'm so glad I decided to focus on mental health this year. That worked swimmingly. I think I'll still keep up with therapy just for my first year in Newtown.

I thought I'd do physical therapy in 2024, but I'd rather do Pilates.

But the doc did recommend just the 6 weeks. So maybe I can squeeze 6 straight weeks in, and continue with Pilates. I already know, I won't keep up with the exercises on my own. 

Sounds like plan, I just made.

Before I look into next year... let's look at what I wanted to do for 2023...

Well..

Jan - Mar 2023: 

Planned: Focus on work; max out 401k;  divide up bonus money 3 ways. 

Actual: I did focus on work. I was quite busy and was sick for almost 2 months. I liked the idea of dividing up my bonus for the  $6k for Overseas Family. The other 1/3 went to savings and 1/3 for upgraded lifestyle. That seemed fine. I'd like to do that this year. And max out my 401k. So we'll see what unplanned life events happen this Winter. 

Apr - May 2023:

Planned: I believe I was going to play softball again and get out of the house, maybe try Pilates

Actual: I cried a lot on my birthday; went to Philly and Nashville; sold my house and began prepping to move to Newtown. Big twist! 

For the second half of the year (Jun to Dec 2023):

Planned: Spend like 3 months in Seattle + 1 month in Miami in the December; consider dating and making new friends

Actual: Decided solo living is the path I choose; slowly moved halfway across the country, which was kind of fun. Did not make it to Seattle or Miami. Went to Cabo, and did a lot of fun stuff right here in Newtown. Currently, planning to go to North Africa for a week. And Panama at the end of December. Not quite the 1 warm month, but I think it'll do. There are fun things I want to do here! 

As for next year, I'm still thinking about what I want to do. A lot of the things I have been doing so far. Go out, get out of the house, have low social expectations. 

I definitely want to switch apartments because my nose is running and I already started coughing!

Ghosted and generic advice

I think when you get to me my age, you get to nope out of generic advice. I got ghosted by a recruiter and I saw it coming. I was about to send them a nasty gram and then a day later they sent me an invite for a 2nd round of interviews, and then I never heard from them again.

Like a rookie, I followed up with them 3 times. Because the dumb advice I got was ...'you never know.' You do know. After 40 years and 100+ applicants, you do know! There were a couple of one-offs that led me down this path, but I can guarantee you it won't happen again.

Luckily, I had already given myself permission to not engage in these entanglement for awhile. So I can't say I'm too mad about it.

I think work is monitoring our keystroke because I just saw a pop up about performance management being logged. So, back to rodeo.

Just wanted to reflect on generic advice. My Maryland Aunty also said no to an interview after scheduling it. Why put yourself in uncomfortable, emotionally taxing circumstances if you don't have to.

This did linger a bit longer with me than it needed to. But now I know for sure, sure. Because you can AND do know, folks.

Phew. Well with all the scarlet lettering going on at work, I'm sure I'll be back on the interview trail before too long. But such is life.

I'm employable. 

Until then, I've been enjoying some pretty great days. And with only 2 months left of the year, I plan on keeping it up as best as I can. Toodles!  

I love my life!

 Remember when I used to wish one day I'd be able to say that. Yep, I feel that. And it's a Sunday, and it's gloomy outside, and I'm alone! And I have work looming!

But I still love my life right now. I hung out with people almost everyday this week. I went on an adventure to a Native American Museum. 

I ate things. I love having my expanded monthly allowance. I don't have to worry about how much things cost. I can more easily choose convenience.

I was making a shopping list and ordering stuff on Walmart app. And the convenience items were quite a bit more. At first, I tried to figure out how to do it for less. But then I just clicked the single serve things. Cuz my life is fast moving and I want household chores to be as convenient as possible, yes this includes feeing myself.

And the more I talk about reaching my leanFI number, the more confident I become in my projections and ability to care for myself. It's like it makes it more real!

And the realization is affirming. 

It's funny when I was dating and had to answer the question of what you want in a partner... I used to think kindness...and one of the examples was someone who would think to make you a sandwich when you were too busy to ask. My neighbor did that and I was so busy I didn't take him up on it. But next time I will!

So yeah, I found a friend. I won't let him know that of course. Because...human.

Anyway, I love having money and social activities. And I'm even learning to appreciate hanging out with people without having a strong connection or seeing them again. Talk about living in the moment! This is more about me and socializing and less about forming lasting connections.

I'm just out doing the things.

And it's awesome.

On to eat my donuts!

Feeling restless, alone, and in need of some affection

 Work definitely adds to some stress. It increases baseline stress because I'm still learning my job. I've been wanting to contact a boy ghost from the past just to feel some sort of attention or affection.

Grrr. Maybe it's the cozy weather. Maybe it's hanging out with a male friend who shows no romantic interest in me. 

I don't want to go back to that place.

My energy is low.

I don't want to go dance class today. I was right about Mondays. They are tough to get motivated to do anything. But so are weekday evenings. 

4 events a week are fine, but I need to streamline the days. 

I haven't quite adjusted to all the outfits and preparations. 

Sweat through an interview and lived to talk about it and other revelations.

 I just got through an interview and was called out on my resume, but I refuse to change anything. Something still thinks the hiring manager might hire me. But I won't hold my breath...not too long anyway.

But it did bring about the though exercise of what do I do if my job gets eliminated or I have to go into the office. 

There are many different scenarios, but the two basic ones are;

If let go entirely: I already said, I'd look for work for a year and after 1 year without success, consider myself early retired at whatever my account balance is. I already know I can make it on $20k.

Scenario 2:

Remote work is eliminated and I'm required to return to work: I initially thought I'd just move back to the lower cost of living place and buckle down until I reach millionaire status. But now that I have a good thing going and if that continues, I am toying with the idea of going back to Call Center work, if I can get it rather than moving. It depends on how far away I am from full FIRE. 

If it happened say the end of the year, and I had to relocate by Jan 1, I definitely don't want to move. I might try to do a hybrid since I technically could stay with Maryland Aunty. It would definitely be an interesting solve. 

Scenario 3:

I think was returning to Call Center work if I could find it. I would pick Call Center 2. I just don't know how easy that would be to get, but only time will tell, I suppose.

Revelation

But I think the revelation is to try to go the next 12 months (in Newtown, especially) without job applying. I've been saying that for 3 years, and while I haven't gone crazy, I'm still applying and subjecting myself to the emotional rollecoaster of the job hunt. No bueno! 

So since job hunting seems to be on the horizon (timeframe TBD), I think I deserve to give myself a real break from the hunt until it's absolutely necessary. I hope that it doesn't get there, but I tried without the pressure and still couldn't really break into it. 

I think when I do have to look again, I will probably try for both. Call Center and Widget worker. 

Onward to enjoy my life!

Also, friends, I booked my trip to South America. After all the iterations, I decided on Christmas week in South America and in a family friendly hotel...oh well. It's all inclusive and sunny. So I chose a trip outside the US vs Miami. I chose South America vs Dominican Republic. I chose South America vs Europse. I chose 1 week vs 2 weeks. I chose 1 destination vs 2 destinations. I chose 4 days vs 3 days. I even chose to buy separately vs a package so I can easily book a transfer. I chose travel protection vs not. And I chose a family friendly hotel because that was the only option in South America. And I chose South America over adults only.

And given my new workload for the rest of the year, it will be a welcomed vacation.

I also chose a week off right before the week away to do nothing. My schedule is empty. There are no hosted events or structured activities. I hope to stay busy with the hopes of relaxing in South America.

Toodles!

Dragging

 I love a cool morning with nothing to do...but it turns out I have quite a few things to do. I have to figure out a way to not carry around my personal calendar in my head. Once I know I have a ton of things to do, I can't relax. I need a reliable way to be reminded of my events externally. Working on it... 

The sun is out so I'm feeling a burst of energy. Thanks, sun!

With a potential work task looming, I'm feeling quite inspired to book my vacation. From Miami > DR and Panama > Portugal and Spain... now I've settled on 1 week of nothingness + 1 week in Panama for under < $2k. 

It's a good compromise. And I'm tired of thinking about it.

Turns out I need to go register my car. Ideally, I'd be able to pay with my new CC so I could meet the spend bonus, but here we are. 

Off to my errand list! 

Sunday check-in

 I went glamping and it was fun. I didn't realize how much my cabin cost until someone asked. Oh well. I just figure if a stranger can cost me more money, why not enjoy this money. 

As for mood, I feel mostly good all the time. I have a permanent happy sign on my face. I love living in Newtown in my puppy apartment and all.

I'm socializing but not making deep connections, and that's actually okay.

I am #sololiving and it just takes the pressure off so much. Interactions with The Others just go unnoticed. I'm no longer as aware of my race. I just exist and I'm just living.

I feel like a college student except for regular life. It's fun.

I'm social. I'm active. I'm alive.

I'm spending tons of money.

I've absorbed my new car expenses.

Every now and then I crave intimacy and then it subsides.

I made a fast friend, and that's awesome.

I have 3 regular activities that I'm a part of. Um, friends...do I have a hobby?

I look at my life and think...wow is this it for the next 30 years...and it doesn't make me want to cry. I don't necessarily want to live forever, but doing this for the next 30 years doesn't make me weep. 

I have lots of things I want to try again. And that's a good feeling. 

Like Europe. I opted out of it for this year, but next year, I might want to try an extended fall.

Again spending money. I decided to spend my leftover TBD money. And go on a silly vacation for December. 

That's all for now. 

I woke up happy

 I woke up happy. I shed a few tears because I was sad my aunt wasn't here to see it. I'm not sure if it's just a mix of things, but I feel good and happy.

Last night I hung out with a group of folks at Korean BBQ. I went on a tour and hung out.

I think yesterday was a weird day at first because the weather changed and I just couldn't get warm. But with a warm shower, a change of clothes, and some hot food, I felt tons better. Oh yeah, and 1 ibuprofen.

That's all folks.

I'm having a good town in Newtown with a few hiccups like my apartment and a car I don't particularly care for.

The change in weather did make me re-think where I want to go for the Christmas holidays. Gosh mid-October is already next week. I hope I have my new travel card by then. I'm trying to shelf the December vacation for now.

I did spend a bit of the morning re-thinking my car purchase. But I'm back to baseline again. I owned a Passat wagon at some point, and the internet is saying it was even a few inches longer than the car I had now. So while I've been driving my Fit for 15 years and used to it, I have some evidence, that I was successful driving a long car.

Anyway, that's all for now. I started with high hopes of getting a lot of laundry done today, but stopped after 2 loads.

Feeling good

 Yay, I got approved for a travel card! I just went for it and I got a really high limit. But to avoid any issues, it was sent to my old house, so if it does get forwarded, I won't get it for another 2 weeks. Well, I hope my relative can at least give me the info I need.

So I'm debating on waiting for it to book travel or not. Last night there were some good rates. I could get a 1/2 business class ticket added to my flight for a total of $2k. 

This is how this starts. I start with a low budget, and by the time I start adding stuff  I'm back at the budget I was trying to lower. Shnikes.

Everytime a flub happens at work, I wonder if this will be my last flub. But the mistakes are minor and yet seem very major in my head because of job insecurity.

So it makes me want to spend less.

But on the other hand, I'm about to be 40. If not now, then when?!

I spent $67 to get my makeup done today and it was not worth it. But luckily, it showed up well on camera. So that helped make it suck less. I won't be tempted to do this again. Oh well, I had my makeup and photo shoot and yeah it's definitely not my thing.

I like things that make me feel good and comfy. Eventhough I bought a bunch of makeup and clothes for what I thought was going to be a Spring/Summer in Seattle, at least I know post 40 I won't need makeup. I found a lotion that has SPF and the cleanser works just fine as well, so I'm all set.

And I'm starting to figure out what clothes make me feel cute, comfy, and confident. Always dresses! and stretch pants.

The couple tight dresses are the last I'll ever buy. They're so hard to get into and out of. I'm at a good transition in life. I just wish I were a little bit better at my job so I could feel some job security.

I'm finding I really enjoy spending money once I get over the initial shock.

So right now, I'm abandoning 8 days in Panama and Dominican for 2 weeks in Portugal and Spain. The European branding is at work again because the DR just doesn't scream luxury to me. Eventhough it's the same brand of resorts. They are 3rd world countries after all. Maybe 2nd world? I'm not sure.

But the European countries were actually a little cheaper to book, at least the hotel. 

I'm just so pumped I got an AA card. I'm trying not to try to game it for this year and maybe just plan to use those points next year. Although I don't have much planned. 

I did double check last year's weather in Portugal and Spain and we're looking at mid 60s to low 70s, so not the steam of the Carribean, but a bit warmer than year. I'm fine with a cool breeze. And yummy food.

A week is more than I wanted to spend, but c'est la vie. I wonder how many things I can download to pass the time. There will be a lot of sitting around. 

I've been out enjoying life (and budget updates)

 Hey, friends! Yesterday I went to the state fair and it was fun. Nice warm breeze, not too many people, and all the fried things.

It was a bit of mildly hectic day waiting for one of my endorsers to sign off on a document, but it's all solved now. Yay!

I still have 2 things to deliver by the end of the week, but they should be fairly painless. I will likely wait until the last minute.

Yesterday was a sleepless night because of the trains but I slept with the windows closed last night and was able to sleep until almost 7p minus the coughing. I think it might be heartburn as I used a second pillow and it stopped the coughing.

I love fall weather! It's dark and gloomy and chilly.

Today I have lunch with another human, which will be nice. 

I have to stay on top of my laundry with all this going out I'm doing. 

The money problems weighing on my mind - the car payment! and also what to do with $600 health and wellness stipend.

Well once the information came about the car payment, I automatically just added it to my existing BillPay and just like that it was solved. Prior to this I'd been hemming and hawing about my current BillPay platform not tallying up my balance. But I used a spreadsheet to calm my anxiety and that helped alot. I have it pinned to my toolbar so I can easily access. So I've essentially drafted next year's budget. It has new housing expenses and new car expenses. And we're right around $2700/mon. Yowzers! This is just bills. This does not include food, etc.

I think I'll still keep my Car Fund just in case. But suddenly I let go of trying to game the interest rate and just chose easy. With the spreadsheet and being able to name the account with the monthly expenses (so I can remember), that helps mitigate some of the anxiety.

So I'm sticking with that as the short term solution. So I didn't have to make any changes and just continuing as is.

As it stands, I can keep up with the monthly bills now and when I frontload 401k next year. It'll just cover monthly bills and my monthly allowance. Yay! So money worries averted. 

Phew! You should've seen the notes and different scenarios I was running. Sheesh, and then one spreadsheet of expenses later, all is well. 

I think keeping my living stipend in the car fund is good for now. I don't know yet if I'll add Bonus 2024 Money to it, so we shall see. I think right now I'm loosely just thinking it'll be nice to have a 1 year running start should anything happen with my job before early retirement. And that's as far as I've gotten.

But I also hadn't run the numbers to know I could cover the car expense. So it'll just be a nice safety net for the time being.

I'm also taking a break from churning for awhile while I go out and live life. 

So that's my update, friends. 

Sunday a.m. check-in

 Claiming solo living is invigorating. I can see so much clearly now. I just feel less anxious about forming relationships because I know they're not essential for my survival. I can give credit to the medication. 

I talked with one of my relatives who is quite a bit judgmental. I used to think she was in my invisible audience but it's like now I can see her clearly for who she is. We used to hang out a lot and I think some nostalgia played into trying to re-establish a relationship. But when we talk each time I'm happier every time that our conversations are far and few between. There were some things I could've said to put her in her place, but it's like...who cares. We'll maintain a distant family relationship as we don't really find occasion to be in each other's company on a regular basis. 

Being removed from my old environment (and with medication), it's like my vision is clearer. My perspective is clearer. 

I was nervous about befriending my old neighbor because I was unclear what his intentions were. And I also didn't want to fall into old patterns of accepting male attention at any cost. I'm not really interested in being anyone's therapist or ear and getting nothing out of it.

But I think the last hang sort of solidified an older brother ish type relationship. And I don't have to worry as much.

Again, #sololiving. I have a lifestyle that I've chosen and it really, really helps. I think just not feeling like I have to defend it. Or looking for somewhere to fit in. And the more I meet people, the more I say it, the more real it feels.

Again, just another example of removing myself from a traumatic situation has made a big difference. 

Since I ended up going to my new place to try place yesterday, today I'm going to try a new to me fastfood joint. Easy, peasy.

I updated my spreadsheets yesterday, but didn't do much reflection. I'm still deciding how I want to fund the Car Fund. Surprisingly, I was in budget for food. Entertainment and Vacation are all over the place. 

Oh, also, Gate 1 had a sale on Australia, that turned out to be a pretty good deal eventhough I'm not local to LAX. So I will keep an eye out for anymore flash sales. It's been a few nights now and I'm still defaulting to my 2 short jaunts over the Christmas holiday. 

Watching the sunset

 It's orange hues and beautiful. Happy Friday to me!

Life is good. Even if in 1 minute my house burns down and I'm paralyzed. In this moment, life is good.

The train noises are a part of my life. I have a flexible schedule so I can absorb the sleep disruption for the short term. But I plan to move when my lease is up. 

I'm glad I met my neighbor. He's high energy.

I got my car yesterday! And I'm already getting used to driving it. It's a behemoth compared to tiny car. I hope my stuff fits on moving day.

Making plans for December. Right now the default is 2 quick jaunts to a couple all-inclusive resorts for a baseline total of $3k. Having seen more impressive trips on Gate1 for 3-4k, it's been hard to swallow. But those are sold out, so my clicking around hasn't changed that. 

Counting travel days, it's about $3k for 8 days and 2 countries. None of which were high on my list. But it's warm, it's all inclusive, and I don't have to spend the holiday week alone in my apartment.

It's not quite the deal of 14 days in Spain and Portugal, but oh well. I am still navigating. It'll be a lot warmer at a resort anyway. I think I'm just a bit bummed at the price. 

But it's less than the $5k I was allotting for December in Miami. That has kind of lost its appeal a bit, I think because I don't live in my old home. Being alone for a month doesn't hold the same appeal. So for now the trip to beat is Panama and Dominican Republic for 3 nights each at $3k.

In other news, I am toying with the idea of using my living stipend to fund the Car Fund. I'm still deciding how I would document that in my spreadsheet because I'm sure I'd already mentally spent that money, but now that it's almost in my hands, things are changing.

As for the car fund, I really try not to think about it, especially not in a whole sum. My brain has settled on $5k for a 6-month runway, and then maybe trying to get $10k from Bonus day and going from there. I'm all but decided on keeping a separate fund in a HYSA to help mitigate that crazy interest rate. 

I'm even thinking of getting AirTags because my neighborhood has a lot of vagrants.

Also, umbrella insurance. 

That's enough for now. 

I decided to be happy anyway!

 I've been fretting over job insecurity but this morning I was reminded that I already had an exit plan prepared. It did not account for my new car payment, but it's there none the less. 

As I saw my $700 AirBnB bill, I smiled a bit. It's 2 nights in the woods, and I went for it. I get to be in the woods with my new community and stay in a fancy cabin. And the thought made me happy giggle. 

There's still the background thought that the car accident could've cost me more than my car and $30k (ie, my life). I didn't have any immediate regrets or bucket list items I suddenly had to do, but now I splurge a bit more. Because if Honda can take my money, then I can certainly use it on myself for $5 Funyun flavored chips and swanky cabins in the woods.

I decided to put my worry about my job on the shelf. It will definitely be an ego beating and right now I am hoping to just make it to Bonus Day 2024 just to have that extra cushion to take the sting out of the car purchase. 

So I'm going to play the game as best I can and hope there aren't too many bumps along the way. I hope to be in a better place once that cushion comes but even without it, I'll be okay.

I'm okay. I'll be okay. I have 4 decades under my belt, the next 20 ought to be a piece of cake!

I'm just excited with all the new adventures ahead.

I do feel quite a bit subdued with the new medication but I'm liking the benefit of thoughts (good/bad) just not lingering. 

I've already socialized and gone out of the house this week. And I didn't die! Imagine! 

They just announced GrandBoss' replacement and it's not Bruno which is great! 

Oh sweet, I just joined another meeting because I was tired of our group meeting and I see another colleague had the same idea! 

Also at the dentist, the dentist affirmed that my gold crown was a good choice, unprompted. I was questioning it because it was self-destructive emotional decision. Yay!

And just overall, I like the community I'm a part of here even though I'm not fully integrated. I feel a bit like the chosen few and a bit like a celebrity.

I decided to prioritize finally settling in over the next week before I leave for work trip next Monday. I plan to watch episodes of Below Deck. 

I'll prob still keep it simple, but I need better access to my clothes.

Last night I slept with my mask on and did not wake up coughing. I took it off and just now feel a tickle in my throat.

Anyway, today I feel better overall about my apartment, work, car, and life in general. 

I've also been looking at what I want to do for Christmas. There was a sale on a European trip over Christmas that got me a bit excited. Europe isn't high on my list, but I realized I liked the idea of being not-here over Christmas. It was sold out before I could make up my mind, and then I accidentally stumbled upon a 3 country SE Asia trip...might save that for a future.

I went through all the RIU hotels..and the cheapest is a trip to Panama over Christmas week, but it's a family friendly hotel. And everyone will be out of school, so not sure I want to be around gross kids. 

Oooo...maybe I go to Panama first week of December just for the fun, and then return to Cabo to the adult only hotel over the holidays just for sanity. So that should be around $2500.

Also was tempted for an epic 1 week in Senegal for about $6k...so we shall see.

I think priorities that rose to the top of list: warm, get away over Christmas, no kids. 

Sunday check-in blahs

 I have counseling in 15 mins on a Sunday. I wish it were 5p, but I'll give it another week. It just feels like I spend all of Sunday waiting for it. 

Maybe I should go back to Mondays. I don't know.

Not sure the last time I blogged. Without as many anxious feelings, I don't feel like getting my anxiety out via blogging.

I've been social at least twice this week which is great. I think last weekend I even sat outside and read an entire book almost in one sitting. Definitely in one day! Haven't done that in awhile. But the weather was so nice!

I'm excited that Newtown has provided me an event calendar so once I get plugged in, I'll have things to do even if just for the sake of getting out of the house.

Don't know if it's the Sunday blahs but I'm feeling hints of job insecurity. And Co-worker wants to make me feel better, but I still feel it. Especially since I was kind of right about returning to work and my last position being eliminated.

I'm thinking of seeing if I can do the project management certification course as well. Got the idea from co-worker. I'll email my boss on Monday.

I just want to have options. I don't think I can sell myself as a Widget worker doing what I do now. And for whatever reason, I don't see many jobs for what I do.

It's just a weird transitional time at work, and I hate the limbo. Especially with a new car payment. I spent quite a bit of mental energy trying to work on my numbers.

Gosh, I'm lucky I have a padded saving account. Honda wanted $5k in downpayment. Plus insurance was about $1200 for 6 months. (I paid $600 for the YEAR in my old car!). And I still owe another $1500 for tax, tags, licensing, so that's just annoying.

I had to appease myself by writing out all my anticipated expenses for the year and my anticipated income. 

Without savings, I'd be in the hole! 

Granted, this is given that I'm still sending about $3k to investments, so maybe I don't need to be so anxious. Because the other option would have been just trying to get another used car and hope for the best. 

I just hate the car dealer making so much money off me. 

And I've been having weird GI symptoms. I don't know if the water is making me sick or what!

Just another case of the blahs. 

Wed check-in - Car troubles

 Well, I took my trek to Walmart yesterday to return the ballet shoes. I liked that it didn't take all that long. I was this close to getting my car, but none of my cards worked for some reason. I'm not sure what else I can do, so I'm kind of starting to abandon that idea.

The dealer in Newtown has one coming available in October, so maybe I'll just wait for that. 

I've expended as much mental energy as I have right now for this. Time to move on. I thought about renting a car or taking the bus/train. There's no train station in my town. And the bus doesn't return until 9p which is too late for an important meeting I have this evening.

So, unless I dare to go and risk not having a ride back. I think I have to move on.

The only concern is getting help for my back. And possibly some vaccinations. I'll look into the clinic nearby and see if they can help. I will see about taking the bus to dance class, and if my dentist is not accessible by bus, may need to reschedule. Oh well. 

Progressive comes to collect my car tomorrow, so then I'll really be without a car. I feel wholly unbothered at this point. What a rocky first month in Newtown. Oh well, I say.

I plan to unpack and such now. The next availability isn't until November, and cool weather is coming, so it's time to tuck in.

The only other thing that came up is a weird email from Work about 'talent discussions.' I feel uneasy, but not much I can do about it except try to be as involved as makes sense. But I do feel some job insecurity.

I haven't heard much from the car people and the business day has started, so I'm not feeling particularly hopeful. Oh wait, there goes a chime! Let's see...

Well it's the sales rep, but still no links. Like I said, I'm mentally moving on.

I love fall, so not all is lost. Once I get another burst of motivation, I'm going to tidy this place up and get ready for winter and yummy baked things! 

Sunday Morning Pontifications

 I'm trying not to think too hard about the accident last weekend, lest I spiral.

But I do have some thoughts of what if I had died?

Without spiraling too much, it does make me feel less feelings about taking on a $30k car loan. And it's making me want to swing for the fences for my apartment.

I know for sure I don't want to renew my lease in the space for next year, but I'm on the fence about what to do for this year. Right now, I'm loosely thinking of stalking the 2-balcony property for their next availability. And hope to get in there by April/October (cool weather months). 

It's technically only 6 more months until Spring. Which doesn't seem that long if I live until I'm 60, but way too long if I died last Sunday.

Oh well.

I'm not too pleased with how my money gets distributed after I die, but here we are. 

Fri Sep 15 check-in

 Welp, the apartment I was lusting after is no longer available. And the move-in date wasn't until November! Oh well, it was the only one I'd identified as good return-on-hassle. I guess I will keep suffering here in the doggy den. 

And my last day with Katie Therapist is Monday.

So then I'll be really alone with my smelly, hairy apartment. And a $30k car bill.

Luckily, after accounting for my charity giving, my medical bill, and paying off my birthday trip, I still have 10k as a downpayment for the car. Wheee! But there goes any big December plans.

But I think for now, I'm just going to start a Car Fund account and shuffle money there. I'd like to have at least 1 year's payment in that account. It does make me feel more tied to my job, though, which I don't like. 

My sinusitis has traveled down to my throat, so I'm sure a cough is coming. Freaking humans. They ruin everything!

I had some pretty snazzy events planned for this week, but I guess it's another taking it easy week. 

Luckily, last night I was able to map out my work over 3 days next week, so that should be very manageable, given I'm not too tired to work. But I hope it'll be okay. 

As for the car, once I get confirmation that it was structurally damaged, I'm leaning toward prioritizing safety. And part of me will eventually be okay that at least new car will be taken care off before retirement. I'm not sure how a $30k bill would have landed after retirement. So this is fine. 

I'm still figuring out my plan for paying it down. I'm trying not to think of it as a $30k hit. If I focus on the $36k/yr plan for the next 3 years, I should still be able to hit millionaire status in the next 3-5 years. 

Anyway, I initially thought of doing a $10k downpayment, that way I'm only financing $20k. That somehow seemed easy to swallow. Easier, anyway. But now I'm thinking, just funnel that $10k in a separate fund to pay off the car for the next year, and maybe even insurance, if it's astronomical. That might help with the psychology of feeling tied to my job. 

As for interest rate, ideally, it'd be less than or equal to current savings rate, so under 4%. If that's the case, then I'd feel less inclined to pay it off next March. There is a part of me that wants to keep my LTI as long as possible. So maybe this year, I'll load the $10k. And next year, I'll earmark $10k of my bonus for the 2nd year payments. 

I have 3 accounts that are above 4% savings rate, so if I can get a loan rate less than that, that would make my plan go down better. 

Let's say, I'm a lot more on board with a new $30k car loan than I was on Sunday when the accident happened. 

Plus, not paying a big chunk helps me keep my cash and morale. I want to be at 65% of target at year's end. 

So yeah, that's where we are.

The apartment I wanted is gone. So of course, I want it more now. But it also means, I'm more likely to stay here for the duration of my lease.

My therapist likes to remind me that this is only a short term solution (this applies to many things). So with modern medicine and technology, I can 'make it work.' I just wanted to be done with the making it work part of my life is all.

Oh well, that's where I'm at. Money problems, health problems, work problems. And the wheel keeps turning. 

Sep 12

 Good morning friends! It has been quite a week since we last spoke. I made it to Cabo and ate all the things. May have mistakenly freely given my information to the black market. Them the breaks I guess. Then went to a personal finance retreat and got in a car accident on the way back. I hadn't updated my contact information with my insurance company, so I'm on pins and needles to see if they'll honor my claim. 

And I'm pretty sure I've developed allergies to whatever is in this apartment. It's DEFINITELY not heartburn making me cough. It's allergies. There is discolored mucus and lots of post nasal drip. Summarily, I'm miserable.

I did find another apartment that is making me excited but it's not available until November. Yoinks! There is a default one I could make work if I needed to -ie, if I'm near my deathbed I guess.

 I went ahead and sloppily covered the most suspicious vent with dryer sheets. The aim is two fold - mask the smell, and trap whatever allergens might still be coming out of that vent. I would've preferred used dryer sheets so that the fragrance  and whatever film was on there would dissipate, but desperate times. 

It's cool outside, so I opened the windows as wide as they've ever been. Not sure what's going to happen when it gets warm again. 

I missed dance class yesterday because I was not healthy enough to go.

I don't have a car!!! It's weird because I kind of thought this day would come, and now it's here. It really sucks not having a car or a desirable place to live.

And not feeling well - my apartment is killing me!

Wed check-in

 I woke up coughing last night with nose running. I don't think it's heartburn anymore. I'm worried that I'm going to develop allergies from this apartment. It makes me sad. I like the sunlight and the open windows. I am a bit skeezed out by the storage but I'm making it work.

Which makes me scared. Wasn't I just moving away from making it work. 

That's really my biggest headache (literally and figuratively) right now. But I decided to stop waiting for it to get better.

I'm still going to Cabo this weekend!

And I booked the retreat for the following weekend. So two weekends gone. I even took a day off since I had an extra day to use. 

And the travel agency sent a $480 off coupon for the trip I want to take in Dubai. I was trying to go with my cousins, but I'm not waiting for them because I don't trust they'll come through. I let them know but I'm going to go ahead and book.

It certainly helped my case that I've only spent $10k on travel this year, so I might have about 10k more to spend. Sort of. I don't actually know if I'll have that much leftover, but we shall see.

Anyway, I don't have to pay for the remainder of the trip until December so I can flex the $300 deposit. 

So I'm kind of pumped to do that.

But yeah the overall feel of the apartment is that it feels temporary. It wasn't the homey, comfy feel I was going for but I guess that's where we are. 

Life is the background. I'm putting fun in the foreground. 

Sunday a.m. check-in

 Woke up to try to get a Sunday p.m. therapy appointment. Not quite sure why I was dragging my feet. On this and similar things. I think I didn't want to need it. But it would've been nice. Oh well. She's not available until Tuesday a.m.

Looks like her Mondays aren't till evening as well. Still trying to figure out what I want. Wahhh.

I was hoping that the air purifier would give me confidence to stay and go on my vacation, but the smell magically got a lot worse yesterday. I could smell it outside the apartment when I came back from a night out. 

But as I was driving, I kind of resolved to stay. Pet smell never killed anyone right? So what if I swallow some dog hair. 

I was all geared up to just deal with it, but this morning is a different story. I keep trying to solve it. 

I guess we'll see if my mood changes tomorrow.

The big issue is planning my trip. 

Whoops! Just remembered I needed to cancel my trip. I was hoping to just rebook but apparently I'm too close to take off. So I am going to hold on to the credit for now to encourage me to actually take the trip instead of being like forget it. 

I was able to catch up on some sleep yesterday which was nice. Surprisingly, less train running on the weekends. The train rattle and horn feels like death, if death were a sound. 

I think I decided to go on the camp retreat as well. Might as well have fun. Do all the things, have all the fun. 

I requested the time off for next week for Cabo but didn't put any calendar reminders out since so close to the day. Gives me time to decide and save face. I do work in a team environment so that factor can't be ignored. 

And just like that I spaced out again.

Camels

My spirit animal for this season is a camel. I'm a camel in a sea of emotional support fish. I can do a lot with a little. I've been chasing and trying to keep up with fish, but I'm a camel. I'm lumpy and look weird; I'm hairy and I spit weird. But I'm a living thing that's just as deserving. I'm just me, I'm a camel. I'm just not a fish. I live and survive, and dare I say thrive in emotional desertland. And that doesn't make me x or y, I'm just a camel. 

That thought has been on my mind the last few days. Now it's out. 

Other things

Can we celebrate I left my toxic relationship! I'm onto new things. It's interesting how small the problem seems when you're away from it. Can you imagine how much time and thought and tears and planning and distress went into making the decision to leave and sell my house. Now it's like, why did I ever consider another option.

I think that's why I'm just so ready for this housing situation to be solved so I can take it off my plate. 

I'm hoping the new furniture will boost my spirits. And we'll plan to go to Cabo this weekend. Luckily I have until Wednesday to make up my mind. 

I might just wait until then to book the hotel. That will give me about 1-2 days to see. I'm going to try not to work on this "problem" until after furniture is delivered tomorrow. 

Ok, sorry, I'm not proofreading this. Ta Ta!

Feeling a bit better about apartment

 It's hard to know when to keep trying and when to give up. Especially after coming out of a TWELVE year toxic relationship.

Oh well. One of the things my therapist told me when I hold on to emotionally risky solutions is that it's a short term solution.

So I've been trying to be mindful that this is just a short term inconvenience. It doesn't have to be a harbinger of any thing. Even if everything aligns, it's not necessarily a harbinger of good outcomes. 

Anyway, my apartment was not the smooth transition I needed it to be because of the pet smell and the wonky furniture.

The furniture is getting replaced and I think the smell will slowly dissipate as more areas of pet dander are found.

It was a bit comforting if not disappointing that the restoration guy didn't see any hidden stains. So now I'm focusing my search on pet dander.

I bought an air filter for peace of mind. I'm all about the placebo effect. As my therapist says, does it matter?

I'm also glad I didn't run the ozone machine for 2 days. I tried it out for what was supposed to be 20 minutes but ended up being 2 hours. I was kicking myself because I thought it was too long but after it aired out the noxious smell all but dissipated. I still get tiny whiffs of it because my nose catches everything. 

Basically, I want to stay because it will make my life easier and I'm trying not to assign any future outcomes to this decision.

I hope I don't get sick, but who knows. Plus fall will be here soon and I'll rely less on the a/c and smells won't be circulating as bad. And I'll have my own smells. Plus we just had COVID so I have a variety of masks. 

I think I might just rebrand my Cabo trip as an end of summer trip for Labor Day weekend. I'm not needing as much downtime as I used to think. 

It's okay to be a bit busy. 

Plus it'll be nice to kick off end of summer/ Labor Day/ and start of work with a trip. Labor Day is when I first started my job in that Old Place. And now look where I am. So that at least has a bit more significance.

And the next weekend I'll be out of town for a retreat that I still need to book and pay for. 

It'll be a fun day to reconcile my budget at the end of September! Yikes.

So I'll sleep on it, and I typically don't like to make irreversible decisions on Sundays, but this isn't that irreversible.

I'll wait to change calendar placeholders to the workday though. 

I went to Pilates and I think I'll do the 4 classes a month x 3 months. I want to wait for the free 3 month health credit we get, but that's not for another month.

But as I type that and try it on, I like the way it feels. They doing the Pilates. I think I'd already decided on Tuesday since I have dance class on Thursdays, but we shall see. 

Ok, I start to lose interest sometimes with these posts. My mind wanders...

Ok, so yeah, I put in a couple work orders. I didn't think I'd have to say if you notice a pile of dust please clean it. Oh well.

I think I live here now. This is manageable, if not ideal. I think I'm going to like living downtown. I love the sun!

I have an event tonight but otherwise the rest of the day I have to myself. There will be many naps. 

Thursday a.m. check-in

 Oh what a day! I just took a shower and it dramatically improved my outlook.

There's nothing better than feeling clean on a sunny day. The sun is beaming into my apartment. And I don't care that I'm running up my electric bill having the air on the windows open.

That's the price of my sanity at the moment to air out this apartment. 

I finally took a shower on the 4th day because I woke up quite slick. Phew! And it's a nice powerful shower. So yay. Not all the holes work but the ones that do are powerful. So I'm not even going to dream about changing the shower head.

But because the flow is so strong, I will need to get a heavier shower curtain because the flimsy one I have was blowing all over the place. But this a problem money can easily solve! 

And I will have to use the swiffer I bought because the white tile floor shows all dirt. Which will at least be easy to wipe clean. I'm still open to getting a cleaner too though. I will have elements of the fancy life even if my apartment is off to a rocky start.

I went ahead and cancelled the hotel for Cabo just to give me more time to think. I kind of want the apartment issues to be sorted before I go on vacation so I can truly relax. But it was kind of an interesting situation when I was trying to figure out when I could go again because I have activities scheduled! Yay, me! 

I didn't go to Yoga yesterday because it was 100 degrees. Yikes.

Took a break for therapy. 

Made it!

 I live here now! Just like that.

Spent another morning running errands online.

The apartment smells like urine. I've sprayed the floors with bleach 3 times now. Today, I'm going out to get some other urine killer. Then I don't know. I guess just daily bleach spraying. I've been sitting around with a face covering.

I hope to have things moved in before my trip on Sunday. Oh well.

I miss my Landing apartments.

But happily, they already automatically refunded my prorated rent for the month. I didn't even have to follow-up. Once I do my cleaning and setting up, I think I will feel more comfortable.

Don't have much to do the rest of the afternoon. Have a 5p social event, and the cleaners are coming a third time but not for anything that makes that much difference to me. I really want this smell gone.

Then I'm going to use some scrubbing bubbles on the shower and take a shower. 

Then I'm just going to start unpacking.

I think once the cleaners come, I get a new mattress, do my own cleaning, I'll be good to go. I'll be able to unpack and put things where they belong.

I have a meal kit coming for next Thursday. And I'll just use papertowels to line anything that makes me feel icky. I miss my balcony already, I'd love to be able to breathe some clean air!!

Anyway, I'm here! I made it! And there was no crying.

My eyelid twitching stopped. Which is good.

I made my eye doctor appointment and am still deciding on when to schedule my boosters.

Friday p.m. check-in

 Sugar coma is threatening to put me to sleep. Grr, there were not nuts on sale. So this work week is over and when the next one starts, I'll be in Newtown.

I even had the nerve to stop by a tire place to get my tires checked and aired. He checked all 4 and I have him $5. He had the biggest smile. Yay.

I still feel weird tipping.

Had a couple of friendly reachouts this week that were unsatisfying but as my counselor says they're just short term solutions. Yay.

The rental company called and she told me she had the cleaners come back and reclean today. That's good I guess, but a bit concerning. Ew. 

Oh well. I just signed the lease, so I'm in it now. 

I probably should make a note of how much I need to pay. I hope I can keep sending a Bill Pay check. But now that there's management changes, I feel like something is going to get lost in the shuffle, but we shall see. 

So yeah tomorrow is just tidy up around here, maybe do a load of laundry, maybe shower, and I still need to book my roadside hotel. Hope to do that around 12n. Still gambling on the price. 

And then load up the car. Plan is to get up and get on the road. 

Still debating if I want to stay extra days for the work trip. 

Just dozed off  a bit with a little drool, so I should probably click Publish!

Feeling fine...still

 Woke up feeling fine. Peek of fall weather. Love it.

Woke up thinking what was I so afraid of. Think the meds are working. Thinking what's the worst that could happen - I end up alone in an apartment just in Newtown. I've had 8 years of practice. I'll be fine.

Have all the fun.

Woke up feeling excited about the move. Well, not excited but close to it. Less anxious.

There was another feeling, but that was an hour ago.

Gambled and lost on the hotel - the price went up more. Oh well! There's always tomorrow.

Wish I could find an easy place to get my tires checked.

Oh well. 

May not get to it.

Hope it works out.

Travel for work was approved for later this fall. Still can't believe it!

Will have to solve Bill.com once I get settled. No worries now. 

It's Friday, no complaints. 

Was thinking this might be why I don't plan to return to Maryland anytime soon - that's the place I went to recover when my life was falling apart; my cousin died; my aunt's ashes are scattered there. My brain doesn't register it as my happy place. I don't have any friends there either. Controversial as it may sound - I value financial independence over living close to extended family. Meh, that's just not a high value for me. 

But I've always been single at heart. 

That's all for now. 

Still smiling

 Some random irritations that usually cause a meltdown happened. And...I'm still smiling. I cannot believe only 2 more days until I get on the road again!

I am excited!

Nervous but not overwhelmed.

Because I do pretty much nothing anyway, just doing it in a different spot isn't all that scary. 

My rental furniture is set to deliver. And one of my Walmart orders already delivered today. Whoops! I saw that it was going to do that but didn't want to think about re-calculating the delivery time. Because I kind of want everything there on Monday when I arrive. So on Tuesday I can get right to work.

Yikes!

I was feeling really good also because I've been trying on Single By Choice and I really like the way it fits. Really. It's something I've always felt but had a bit of a detour when it didn't really seem like it was all my choice since I wasn't actively sending suitors away. But this feels like my choice since I'm not actively pursuing nor am I all that open to it.

I know the true crime shows are fringe members of society, but that certainly hasn't hurt to bolster my case. And just finally feeling like this next journey is MY choice. It initially felt like an escape, but now it's morphed into an adventure. 

It's cool that next week I already have 3 social events planned on my calendar. Just one week and I've already done more than I did the whole first half of the year living in my old house. And much of the other years as well. If you count the visit a couple weeks ago, I've really already accomplished my undefined goal.

I'm sure I'll keep going on about this.

While it's easy to 'at least' your life when compared to terrible outcomes, I can't help but feel really empowered that I'm not having to start over after an emotionally risky proposition of a marriage. Or a bad relationship. I'm glad that I'm at a place where this now feels like a happy choice. 

I'm glad I don't have to go Survivor to win a million dollars to feel like it's my only shot to secure my financial future. I'm glad the struggle is behind me. I'm glad I'm not starting over from the bottom! I'm glad the desperation is behind me. It has been extremely liberating even just living in Summer Housing. Being able to be on my own and not feel left behind or that I'm missing out or that I'm incomplete. That is probably the meds talking, but I'm fine with that. 

Health insurance is amazing. I think for the time being at least until the next refill and probably up to a year, I'll probably stick with my medication subscription plan eventhough I'm paying out of pocket and I have insurance that would cover most of the cost. It's just extremely convenient so far. And right now, that meets my needs.

Even though there's this great horizon after my next financial goal. I like the finiteness of this goal. I'd love to say I wasn't goal oriented and could truly blow in the wind. But that just wouldn't be true. I'm trying to upgrade my lifestyle. I want to stay busy and social and fun. (Note I took any sort of friendship goal out of this.) I just want to get out and do things I enjoy. Or don't enjoy. Just get out! I'm okay with keeping busy for the next 0-3 years. I told myself today, I'll have plenty of time to rest up and idle when I'm retired. Now it's the run-up! Have all the fun!

So the funny thing that distracted me from writing this post a few minutes earlier was that my work travel got approved! What a strange beast - corporate America. Oh well! I decided to try to use this as my October trip. My Maryland Aunty wanted some company on her Florida trip. Since I'll already be on that side of the country, if my work load is light enough, I'll extend my stay and get down to Florida. It'll essentially be a free trip since I already have a round trip ticket from work! Yay, I'm not that jazzed about going to an old people's conference, but I love a free trip! Plus I like some sort of payback for using my points to travel for work this summer, so there's that! 

Thurs check-in and 1 month on Lexapro

 I had no reason to be worried and I almost let it go, but you know... anxiety. Anyway, my furniture delivery is confirmed - twice. 

Yay!

Had another weird dream last night that involved me having an affair with a little person and her trying to beat me. But it happened in my childhood home. Weird, right?!

Done with meetings for the day, and the week really. 

And it's only 10a. Yay!

I have furniture confirmed. This is really happening folks!!

(Trying not to think about offhand comment I made during a psych safety mtg...oh well!)

I went to book hotel and the price went up. That's so annoying. And last night I was just giving myself a talk on how I am going to spend more money on convenience - no more back alley hair stylists. Another blogger highlighted this and it stuck with me given my recent predicament. So I'm hoping to find a hairstylist that does what I want vs the cheapest solutions. But it also has to be convenient, so we shall see!

I also booked my eye appointment. This one was a great marker of progress as well. I tried it on Tuesday and got frustrated after clicking around and calling 3 offices. 

Then last night I tried again and found a national chain that's less than 2 miles from my new house. Yay, convenience. I got stuck a bit choosing an appointment time because I hate the waiting for appointments on a relatively slow day, but just decided to go with next week a couple hours after counseling and maybe can use that gap to continue getting the house ready.

I finalized my Walmart order. By some miracle, they're delivering today, whoops! Oh well, I needed it off my mental plate. 

I went to book the hotel at Nearer Roadstop and it looks like the price went up $20! Drat! It's annoying but to get it off my mental plate, I might just wait a couple hours and book it as well.

I didn't realize the price would go up that much. So that's annoying. 

But I am excited to stop at a Hotel closer to Newtown. Funny how my roadtrip has changed without much emotional turmoil. I generally started with what I had in mind and then let updated conditions allow me to update my plans. 

I think Nearer Roadstop is a town I would ordinarily not visit so it'll be fun to stop there. #DoAllTheThings #HaveAllTheFun. 

And there's a McDonald's close by. And Panera. There commercials have been working. Sure, I'd love a Budget Duet meal. Why not.

So the week is almost up.

Today - finish up the leftover Chinese food. Note to self - Chinese food does not keep well. Definitely not a week.

Friday and Saturday - just planning to get some deli/counter meals from the Publix.

Sunday - road snacks of nuts and dry cereal; but still planning to stop at the halfway mark for gas/McDonald's. Same for Monday. 

Oh, also officially cancelling my Landing Standby membership for the day after I move out just in case. I don't want to be rushed to leave at 11a on Sunday. Just going to leave as I feel. Check-in time at the hotel is 3p so while I traditionally like getting on the road early to avoid cars, I might just mosey since I have nothing else to do and nowhere to be. Monday, might be a different story though. I'll probably be too excited to sleep. Eeeek!

Lexapro- got the reminder for my 1-month checkin. I've been focused on making it to Week 6. But at 1 month, I don't feel remarkably different. The last few days I have been grinning like Cheshire cat, so there's that. I definitely don't feel as good as I did on my best day on Lexapro. But I also don't feel the impending transition making me want to hang off the balcony rather than deal with it, so there's that. 

Weird eyelid twitching and coughing. Although I don't think I've coughed in 2 days, so there's also that. I'm fine to keep taking the meds. We'll see if something really good happens. 

Wed check-in

 Up early again because I go to bed at like 9p. I gave up on trying to stay up until midnight. I just lie here and pretend I'm sunbathing indoors. Ahhh, the good life.

These are the days I love my life. It's been over a week of solitude and I don't feel like ending my life. Progress, people! 

I'm just enjoying it. I'm adopting this new vision of my life as: Single by Choice. And it's a bit liberating. However I got here, I know a path forward. To be able to verbalize and hold it in my heart is empowering. Single by Choice. It didn't always fit, but it fits now.

Do all the things. Have all the fun! 

But old habits die hard, but new habits are fun too!

I have started making a Walmart list and an Amazon list of housewares I might need to get after the move. And the list seemed surprisingly short. I'm not even sure what food to buy, but it'll be fun to shop, I suppose. 

Eventhough there is a lot of busy work that goes into setting up house, I think I will still have tons of downtime to bake to death. Hahah. 

I decided to stop at a different town when I leave Sunday so instead of 4h/6h split, I'm closer to a 5h/5h split of driving. I have barely entertained the thought of trying to do it all in 1 day. No thanks! 

Even for a 5h drive, I plan on stopping at the halfway mark. Refueling mentally and physically. I have picked out some audiobooks. I've picked out a hotel. 

I was able to get accepted at a community college to get the student discount on some furniture. But they are tracking me by my email so that's unfortunate. I think the time for wishing I don't raise any red flags is gone. I cancelled one order and made a new one. So I'm hoping they get the memo. I plan to do some final tasks tomorrow. Then on Sunday...I'm on the road. 

In a way I'm glad I'm going to Cabo the week after. 

So that's the latest happs. This is really happening! 

My job is beach

 For whatever reason, late last night, I just decided to accept my life and reframe it. I've been looking for some good marketing to help me see my life differently and couldn't really find it.

Yes, I want the best possible outcome. But I have 40 years of data now. It's not happening. I have a great life. I get to do what I want everyday. In 3 years, there's a very high probability I'll be able to retire a millionaire. Sometimes it's overwhelming thinking of how to fill my time for the next 40 years, but then that feeling goes away and it's replaced by a new feeling. 

Sometimes, I'm going to make terrible choices. But I'm alive and I don't break the law. That's the basics. Having fun is and taking it easy are high on my priority list. 

There are 3 trips I've been unsure about. 2 are structured camping-ish trips. 1 is a trip with a family.

The first camping trip is in September and I was unsure about driving a few hours down the road and if I would really enjoy it. It's been awhile since I enjoyed being around large groups of people. Then I read some reviews and I think it might at the very least be...okay. I have to remind myself I'm free to go at anytime since I'll be driving. 

I just have to let go of all my rules sometimes, it's crippling. The discomfort is going to sneak in as long as humans roam the earth. 

So for now, I'm going to the September retreat. I vacillate between actively trying to make friends and passively being open to it. And so that'll have to be okay. I'm just a girl!

For the second trip, I think I'll go to that one as well. I want to be in the woods, and I'm not sure how to do it. 

Then yesterday, the algorithm led me to 'we're solo living.' It gave me some good verbiage to help describe my situation. One that stuck out was - I'm probably single because I enjoy being single. I knew this at 17 thinking I was the one born in the wrong time period or that I was wrong. And because people treat me like there's something wrong with me. And thus I needed to fix that something. At times, I feel like I need to live this extraordinary life to make up for being single. But how ludicrous is that. I'm not deficient. It's just a different lifestyle choice. 

I can live an ordinary single life. And now that I'm pre-retired, I spend a lot of time in the supine position. Mostly with my eyes closed. Just falling in and out of sleep. Not super great or super terrible. Just is. 

People stopped keeping score of my life long, long ago. And so those compartment windows are creaking shut. I have one more interaction this week with someone from my old life and that relationship will slowly fade into the ether. Sigh. And I'm not bothered. And there's an interview they're doing for me, which I was unsure about, but I'm happy to outsource that anxiety and result. So that works out well. 

I'm kind of ready for this next mile marker. One more week and I'm on the road again! 

P.S. - I love a cool breezy morning! 

Still a bit restless...

 Well, suddenly it's 5p. So that's a good thing. I got my hair done, overcharged per usual and not quite what I want.

I'd already kind of decided to take a break from braids so I'm not too bad. 

Really, friends, life is just better for me when I get the good things I want.

Oh well. Was having a bit of trouble getting over the nonsense with the hair stylist, but here we are.

I did some laundry because I was quite smelly.

A little bit excited about things to come.

Wish I would ...just.. lost my train of thought.

Oh, stop being nervous or angsty about things I have to wait for. Been thinking about this hair appointment all day yesterday and most of the morning.

This week should be another light week, at least until Thursday when the team meets again. So that's good. 

I was thinking of doing Pilates one or two of the days this week but with all this head of hair, I'm not really feeling it. 

I'm annoyed, and anxious, and scared. And I'd really rather not be.

Compartmentalization - Never and Always

 Yes, the vivid dreams continue friends. But I've had dreams like this in the past so I can't say for sure if it's the meds.

I think I just completed Week 3 or 4, and I don't feel much different. Some days I'm excited about my move, other days I want to hang off the balcony. So, there's that.

8 days until I move! Wowzers.

I'm getting kind of excited in the I just kind of want to get it over with already, kind of way. I made most of my appointment. Signed up for most of my activities. I still have an eye appointment to make and some old appointments to cancel. I guess I should make a primary care visit at some point huh? 

There's not much to do this upcoming week. But lots to do when I actually move - mostly, appointments, events, and change of addresses. I really have a case of why I need to consolidate accounts, but I already kind of decided to just wait until I reach my final financial target. That way things have a chance to rebound. I thought balances were on the rise but they've slumped back down, so that doesn't seem to be happening anytime soon. Good thing I didn't get too carried away.

I have a hair appointment tomorrow. I think I'm giving up braids for now. As much as it saves time after the fact, the sitting for hours to get the braids in, and the sitting for hours to get the braids out is just not my jam. I'm only getting braids now because I already bough the braiding hair. After that, I might just stick with blowouts, as un-humidity and water friendly as that might be. They're more wrist friendly.

This morning I woke up with a list of things I'll NEVER be/do:

- A child star

- Someone's mom

- Call someone mom

- Call someone dad

- Have a close relationship with a mom/dad or brother/sister

- Be a best friend/ have a best friend

- Be a CEO

Some things that will ALWAYS be true:

- Graduating from college 3 times

- Be a doctor (not an MD, to be sure)

- My aunt's favorite

- independent

- a free thinker..mostly

- nomadic - lived all over the US

- saved half a million dollars in 4 years (even if I lose it all, I still did it)

The list seemed a lot more interesting when it was occupying mental space. I spent way too many hours this morning trying to edit a PDF. Finally had to rely on a paint and snip. The basics! For the most part, I'm looking forward to my next live. My next adventure.

I've been trying to make plans past the next 12 months, but that just doesn't seem as fun. 

I hope I make it to all the recreation activities. I've booked and paid for 2 vacations. And there's two weekend getaways I'm still mulling over. 

Also, I think I'm starting to take my job hunt a bit more seriously. I do still feel some air of job insecurity because I'm not that great at my job. I feel this because I didn't do well on the writing test, so that knocked my confidence down a bit on my ability to be hired doing this job again. So now I feel some level of desperation even though financially I'll be okay. More than okay, to be sure. But we all know I struggle when things don't quite go my way. And I literally already went through the exercise earlier this year of what would happen should I lose my job.

Even with 2 parachutes, jumping out of a plan before you're ready is scary!

I wish I would stop fretting and just enjoy this time and this adventure, but that's hard won.

I'm hoping once I'm more active some of this anxious energy will dissipate. 

The coughing continues. I really don't know if it's allergies or heartburn at this point!

I can't believe next week is my last week in Summer Housing! Yowzers kids. This is really happening!

Today brought to you by - I like my life!

 Today is another episode brought to you by - I like my life!

I'm still sleeping on the couch. Oh boy, I love that cool morning and evening air. It's been stormy here in Southerntown. And it feels amazing. Is there anything better than being safe and cozy in your home during a storm.

Windows still open. It really feels like fall here, and I'm not sure why. Isn't August supposed to humid and muggy. Not today!

Good weather makes me very happy!

I ran some more errands to the tune of 90 minutes.

At this point, I'm just trying to game the system.

I used old name to try to get a discount. But to get another discount, I have to use new name. So I'm trying to find a workaround.

Actually it's not a discount, the second one. I'm renting furniture and to get a student/faculty discount I have some of my old IDs, I'm hoping to use. But in order to have the furniture insurance removed from the furniture rental plan ($18/mon), I have to provide proof or renter's insurance. Butttt, my apartment is in my new name and so is my renter's insurance!

Obviously the bigger discount is the student discount, but it sucks to pay for something twice! Grrr.  But I just tried to enroll in a community college, but I don't think I'll be fast enough. I guess actually, I have time because I can do it after the fact, so there's that.

So that's what's been taking the last 90 minutes. Wait no, I can't do it after the fact because the lease is in OLD Name. Double Grr. So yeah, not sure. I have until Thursday to cancel the lease, so we shall see how this works out. 

And BILL.com canceled my account for unknown reasons. Red flags!

Oh well, I can't be bothered!

What's making me happy today

 I just sat outside for some minutes, and it felt awesome. I love having a balcony and watching people. I like the cool summer breeze on a warm day. It just feels awesome.

I feel like I'm cheating. I'm outdoors without having to leave my apartment!

Gosh, I'm just going to try to soak this in. 

I have most of my task list done for my move to Newtown.

10 days folks! 

Whoa!

So I got Panda Express. I forgot how generic and bland it is. So I'm going to try to eat it 3 times so I feel like I didn't waste my money. I'm concerned about how well it will re-heat, but I think if I can use the oven it should be fine. 

I also got some toast for this gnawing feeling in my gut.

I talked to a work colleague that helped pass the time. 

I eat way too much sugar but oh well!

I think I should be okay with the rental furniture. I found another way to get a little bit more of a discount. If I can add them to my renter's insurance I can get the fee for their consumer protection plan taken off, which is great. But it's in 2 different names, so that might cause an issue. But I looked up the FAQs and parents can rent for students so I'm trying to simulate that scenario.

The movie I planned to watch just did not catch my attention.

I think I have enough food and sustenance to make it to Day 10. 

I've planned or looked into quite a few activities for the the Fall Semester. I almost feel overwhelmed, but when I look at the actual calendar it's still a lot of days and only a couple activities a week. And really my doctor's appointments are once a year, so it's not as though that's going to take up lots of time. Ideally, I'd want them all on the same day so I don't have to be poked and prodded multiple times, but that might not work out.

I also think I'm going to pause PT for now and see how my arm feels with ballet and another physical activity like Pilates/Yoga. 

I also found a hotel for my roadtrip and overall adjusting to the couple day delay in my roadtrip. 

10 days folks! Whoa!

Social Cues and other things...

 So yes I missed or rather bypassed a few social cues with this 11a interview that wasn't meant to be. For someone who responds at 9p at night within 5 minutes... wouldn't take over a day to respond to confirm an appointment.

And I followed up in case my email went to spam (ie, she lost my hut number). It sucks cuz I prepped a bunch and listened to my colleague and broke a bunch of rules. Oh well, luckily no on is keeping score. 

It's a nice cool day.

I ordered my cable so and even double checked with the rental furniture company for a delivery date. Nope, so my move has been moved by about 3 days because they don't delivery on Fridays. So I will plan to move in that Monday. That's the easiest thing I can think of to do.

Onwards!

Oh and I registered for an event in September and sent an email to inquire about camping in the woods. I'v been looking at state parks but don't have the tools to figure out what to do in the woods exactly. Plus the night in the cabin is like a hotel room. And um...no thanks! 

My $2200 Dirty Little Secret

 Yes, friends, I have a dirty little secret. I am renting furniture and after the 12 months,  I will have spent $2200. They put it right there hidden in the contract. Yowzers!

Talk about living the high life. I'm mostly paying for convenience. You order a package, they deliver, setup and pick it back up. I'm fine with that for now.

The plan was just to try out Newtown for 12 months and since I have no other plans and I'm so close to millionaire there's a high likelihood I'll probably just stay put. Except in 12 months, I won't have any furniture.

But I will have the flexibility to pick up and go, which is what I wanted. 

But yeah, considering I stayed in Death House aka Pandemic House for 3 years, there's a pretty good chance I'll stay in Newtown for another 3 years as well. Oh well.

I started off with 12 months, and I'll continue with 12 months. 

Right now I do dream of being able to fit everything in my car. But I guess ideal scenario is to find a furnished place. 

Toodles. 

Wed a.m. check-in

 Good morning, friends! I love the way it feels to get what I want. I just wish that feeling would last forever. I'm not sure why it fades so quickly.

I mean I love this apartment, and I'm glad I get to stay a little bit longer, but my brain is too busy playing SadFM Hits.

Anyway, in my fury of applications last night, I applied to a job I normally wouldn't - it was on Indeed and it had been posted for more than 20 days. But LAST NIGHT, the recruiter reached out and wants to chat on Thursday!

Talk about fast turnaround! I'm here for it! So now I'm on Cloud Nine!! Wheee!

I was trying to not bug Frenemy since she's soooooooo busy. But I wanted some tips on project management questions. Grrr. No response. 

So now I have to craft out a narrative from my web of lies. I guess I'll just use the old questions I had from my last round of interviews. That's all I can do.

But yes, the cycle begins... I feel awesome for being chosen...and when I don't get the job...THE WHOLE WORLD ENDS FOREVER.

Tuesday p.m. check-in

 I'm all over the place. It took me over 5 hours to get my list of tasks done. And that was just sitting at the computer. Can you imagine how long that would've taken before the internet!

Then I just spent at least an hour or two applying to jobs...for literally no reasons. To hide my shame, I didn't take any notes. Gosh! 

Not sure what's wrong with me!

My week cleared up so..you know idle hands.

I looked up some state parks but still not sure how to make myself go.

I did do alot today though!

I still have more to do and pay for.

I was ravenous all day and ate everything in the house. And finally at 6p went walking and got a pita sandwich. Should've just spent the $15 at the grocery store. Oh well, summer spends I guess. Still not going to get too worked up over this non-routine spending. My budget is good.

I'm actively trying not to cook these 2 weeks. Planning to get a Panda Express Party pack. Were it not for the heartburn still plaguing me, I would have easily gotten a Moe's Family pack yesterday to avoid this weird hunger. But honestly, if the hunger continues next week, I'm going to get the Moe's pack and be an American and just take heartburn meds. Grr, oh well. These are not typical times.

My debit card was aching today.

And I still have to pay the deposit on the power company's bill. So I still have that to do. And get rental furniture. I'm pretty sure I don't want to pay full price but not sure how to get the student discount.

Just a lot going on today.

I want to get some toast for what feels like a hole in my stomach. 

Oh, I was able to get an appointment on Talk Space. It was not the seamless experience I hoped for. It works a lot differently than Headway which was unfortunate. The lady I was matched with has Sunday appointments, so that was a big plus side. I hope she works out. But really, I hope my medication kicks in by then.

Why do I hate appointments so much. I need to get my hair done and even though I have a pretty light week, I wasn't willing to give up not one day to do it. I chose Sunday since that's a rough day anyway. But of course I had to make sure Monday was a light day, too.

I'm just waiting for my life to settle so I can have a proper check-in with myself. I don't think I can make not one more plan!! I'm all planned out...for now!

2 hours of errands

 Two hours of running errands for back-to-school, and I'm already tired!

I think I need a break.

That is all. More later!

Accomplishments:

- Registered for ballet class

- booked trip to Cairo, paid the rest of balance, and bought travel/cancellation insurance - tried not to look at price too hard; and requested time off

- bought lodging for Cabo trip...and cashed in almost all my Catalyze points; tried too hard not to look at redemption; wasn't able to use my expedia points and a gift card which was dumb...but if i remember, I can use for my roadtrip

ok, now that's really all!

The trouble with social cues

 So I've identified one of my spectrum-adjacent challenges - the new and ever changing social cues that accompany adulthood.

Also, I think my medicine works in the evening and early morning...maybe.

I think I'm going to try to take it later in the day tonight and see what happens. Ok, nope quick internet search says peak blood levels is 5 hours. How does that help? Certainly won't if I'm asleep. 

I never realized how much trains are still a part of the flow of commerce. The tracks by where I live now are very busy. All day and night. They're loud and heavy, but I don't mind. Yay, for double paned windows!

I guess fall is just around the corner because the sun is setting just a little bit sooner, and the mornings are just a bit cooler. I'm sitting outside now and I'm comfortable. I also have this beautiful balcony.

I feel like the people on House Hunters!

In case I haven't mentioned it, I love a balcony!

Today is a day of errands. At first my brain was telling me to sleep more, but then I got up and I'm almost excited to whizz through my list.

I feel very nervous. My days of summer are dwindling down. Sometimes in slow-mo, other times at rapid speed.

The rest of August is pretty much accounted for. Scary. 

Then September. Wow. 

I'm still obsessed with getting a second job. I am peeved that all these young kids are high earners at such a young age and I want to beat them. Yep, I said it. 

Sunday p.m. check-in

 Considering I've spent the night in 3 different cities in the last week, I've lost complete track of where I am!

I realized I didn't document the great time I had this weekend visiting Newtown. I was recounting it to Maryland Aunty and it made me smile.

I got to visit the city; was driven around. Met some new people. Suffice to say it was a great trip. I drank lots of soda.

This morning I did wake up teary. 

I suddenly wanted to apply to every job. It just really bugged me that I've been so unsuccessful with this job hunt. And of course brain conjured up everyone who seems to get jobs so easily. Grr! So I was hate-clicking through lots of job boards for a sizeable chunk of the morning. It was infuriating. But I couldn't get my computer out to apply anywhere.

I ended up moving to my new unit 1 story up.

On the phone with Maryland Aunty, I ended up going to MacDonald's. It was slow and unsatisfying as always but it also meant I didn't have to think about food for the rest of the day. 

My big plan to go to the grocery store today did not come to fruition. 

I dabbled a bit with getting a Hello Fresh kit, but the earliest arrival is Friday. I thought I'd ordered before for a Thursday arrival but I guess I was mistaken. 

Had I known my plans for staying an extra week, I could have gotten the kit to arrive today or tomorrow. Oh well! 

So I am now tasked with what to do with the next 2 weeks. I want to enjoy my summer a bit (as always before a new project) and also prep.

The big move kind of hit me this morning. Like whoa! This is kind of happening. I'm glad I'm on Standby so even if I wanted to stay and not do anything, the algorithm would move me at some point! Good past choice. 

Well I didn't watch any relationship shows on TLC this Sunday and that seemed to help alot. Not with the morning tears but my afternoon did go by pretty uneventfully.

My wishlist for the next week or 2:

- eat

- enjoy the balcony

-go to the pool?

- do as many of my PT exercises as I can

Charms of the soft life!

 I woke up admonishing myself for wanting to keep applying. I was feeling quite competitive that a colleague was getting interviews. Then I was remembering another colleague that literally has gotten every job I've applied for, seemingly with ease. It's almost comical.

So I was going to take a 1 month hiatus from applying. Eventhough I said I wasn't going to do it at all this year. But here we are.

Then it turned into just make Sept 1 to Aug 31, 2024 your hear of happiness. But I realized when I say 'don't do x or y or z,' I automatically want to do it. So I have to reframe it to emphasize the opposite.

So instead of don't apply, try... enjoy the freedom of 1 job and the flexibility it gives you. Enjoy your downtime and the fact that you can live comfortably on 1 job.

I just want this to be a good year without the pressure of making it the best year ever.

I just choose me and relinquish known stressors. 

Why choose hard when you an choose easy.

Things I want to emphasize/enjoy:

- Enjoy 1 job

- Enjoy the new adventure

- Enjoy self-reliance of solo-adventures

- Enjoy the stress-free path of leaving old memories in the memory book; investing in new relationships and the wonder that comes with it; forming new relationships; re-discovering interests; tilling new fields vs robbing old graves

- Rediscover yourself without the ghosts of the past to haunt you

- Developing new routines focused on where you are now and who is proactively investing in you

- Enjoy the freedom of a fresh start; leave old worries in the rearview (literally)

Yay!

 I guess it was dynamic pricing. I've been searching pretty much daily and the prices went back down! Yay. I will prob check again Tuesday just for a data point.

But I snagged my refundable roundtrip tickets to Cabo. I don't even second guess paying more for refundable. It's an easy yes. 

Friday check-in

 Wheee! I feel good. I just took a cool rinse off and I'm in bed at the hotel. I want to take a nap. I have some cran-grape juice that I paid $3 for and drank it. Yum. Money helps.

I saw the apartment I might rent and if we're going with the only objective of - not terrible. Mission accomplished. I can't say I love it, but I didn't hate it. It's downtown and I think I want to live downtown. It's hard to think and observe though when it's hot.

A very nice lady drove us around for 3 hours last night and I saw some other neighborhoods. Where she lives is very suburban and maybe in the future I would live there but for what I'm trying to do, I think downtown suits. If nothing else, my place is affordable. Hopefully when they clean it up, it'll be more refreshing and appealing. But yeah, without opening up all the cabinets etc, I think it'll be fine. The price is right. The location is fine. Check, check.

I already met a ton of people, I just hope I can see them again when I move. So it's nice for this to be actually happening. Wow, this is happening folks.

Grandpa is even adding a 3 month wellness benefit. I decided to prioritize massages as a splurge. Or just #lifestyleupgrades.

Overall, the weekend was a success. Nothing bad happened. I'm almost excited to go.

Work was fine. Got my task done. Didn't log in today at all. I'm pretty stoked about Cabo.

I've been peeping tickets and overnight they went up $200. I don't know if that's just surge pricing or if they're here to stay. 

But I didn't love it. 

My backup is flying Southwest. The $600 tix aren't refundable but at least I can get a travel credit. Which is good enough. 

But I'll still wait until Tuesday because why not at this point. I haven't even checked the hotel to see if those have shot up.

Is it back to school pricing. I mean I'm certainly making a lot of plans.

Anyway, that's the happs. I kind of want to sleep but I agreed to go walk in the hot sun with one of the other party people. 

Thurs a.m. check-in

 Well, friends, I have landed in Newtown! 

So far, so good. I passed a couple of spots that look trendy. Cool!

A lady talked to me at the Uber stand. 

The ride from the airport was < $20 which was also nice. Frugal foible - the hotel had free airport shuttle! Whoops. Oh well! (<< progress!)

This morning the burning thought was - um, I'm not needy. I've been kind of beating myself up for being so emotionally needy. Why can't I just get on by myself when forming these connections just isn't going my way.

Then I look around and um, I am quite normal. Other people just have full cups. That's why I look needy. Me calling myself emotionally needy is like calling a hungry person needy; or a poor person financially needy; or an unhoused person needy for a home. Yeah, those needs aren't being met. They are pretty basic and essential.

But my immediate community are getting their needs met by their families. Doy. Their hands aren't out because their needs are met.

I'm not sure why I haven't accepted the emotional support from Maryland Aunty, Florida Aunty, and my Seattle Mom. I guess it's like those duds I laugh at who would rather be alone than accept my affection. I just want someone to myself that I don't have to share. Really, it's not even about sharing. I just can't rely on these people to be there for me emotionally. Which isn't to say they aren't there - just not reliably. They have other priorities. And I know I will dive in all the way. And still be left with my hand out.

So yeah, I'm not actually needy. I just have an unmet need. There's a difference.

Back to the present.

Um, yeah some frugal foibles is a part of the transition I guess. There are just higher priorities than trying to squeeze a buck out. I did save $2 at Chik Fil A yesterday by opting out of a meal for a drink I didn't really want. Yay!

Yesterday, I did have a mild panic about finances but luckily money is countable. I was able to list my projected expenses for the next 5 months and list my net pay for the next 5 months and luckily those 2 numbers match with a $4k cushion.

I was also more confidently able to write out my vacation plans. And outside my incoming paychecks I have enough to cover vacation expenses. Yay! I do need to set aside money to pay off my medical bill though. And I think in the next financial year, I'm going to look into just keeping $5k in savings and no additional cash emergency fund. I have such a big cash stash for early retirement that I'm a little unsure how much additional cash I need floating around. It's probably not a big deal either way but still. Tighten up where you can.  Oh, and as I wanted I already forgot about my Housing Fund. So yeah, I don't need more cash sitting around. 

Onwards! Gosh, I got excited about a text alert, and it was just an update on my housing. Ha! 

But yeah, I slept relatively well last night. I got up with sweat soaked pjs and had to change my clothes. So a shower is in order today. I'm hungry and breakfast ends at 9a but I am not ready to go to downstairs. So hungry I shall stay. I'm hoping to relax till 9a and then finish up a work task before my next meeting at 10a.

Talk more later!