Mon, Dec 19, 2022, Affirmations

 It's Monday, and I totally forgot I am still technically working this week. I have no desire to work on my projects, but I really wish I would just do them. I would enjoy our week off next week a lot more if I had them off my plate.

I also really want to get the experience of doing deep-work on just my laptop vs my laptop and two external screens.

I just don't know what to write, and I'm not in the right frame of mind to focus.

Some affirmations from my long weekend with family:

- The men in my family are weirdos. I realized from my uncles and male cousins that they are surrounded by hysterical women who lead the conversations and lead the household. My brother stopped by and didn't know I was here and had nothing to say to me. A boy I dated once named Mark had pointed it out when he asked if I was close to my sibling. I say we're not not-close, but when we get together it's just a few words exchanged. Unless I'm the one peppering him with questions. So lately, I've decided not to do that. Anyway, Mark said so you basically just exchange platitudes. Um, yep. Is it different for other people?

My littler cousins are just so much fun to annoy, but it's annoying that they're the same way. I try to engage and offer (unsolicited) advice, but they sometimes answer and sometimes don't. It's frustrating. I am older than them by about 16 years, so I feel I should try a little harder.

But that's what I never got about "family gatherings." The food is okay, and the company is okay. Comparing it to my work party, I'd rather go to my work party. At least no one is yelling, and I don't have to wash dishes.

I don't think I'm going to go to the family Christmas gathering. I've already had my eating event; I did Karaoke, and got my picture taken. 

When I think of what it would be like to introduce my partner to my family, I don't know that I would. At least it wouldn't be the milestone popular culture would have you believe. 

There's no one they need to get approval from. 

I've thought about letting Jessi and Max know I'm in town, but I'm not really sure what the point is. They are unpredictable variables. I don't really have a desire to take Metro to see Max and Jess will probably "not check her email."

I'm more affirmed in my desire to not chase people down to hang out with me.

I think I'm going to have my own pity party Christmas party. Make the foods I want to eat and watch my shows. 

I tried asking Maryland Aunty and Evangelical Aunty for words of wisdom between ages 40 and 60. Evangelical Aunty can't help but talk about God and faith. I really couldn't care. There was nothing really solid. Just sometimes you'll be disappointed, but pray about it. Something about marriage that didn't end up really having a point. 

Some famous person committed suicide and they kept recounting all the things he had - a wife and 3 young kids. As if those are reasons to not end your life. It's funny the speculation that goes on in the lay public's head when someone ends their life.

I think they all lie when they pretend they can't understand why someone would end their life. I have a hard time believing that most people don't think about it every now and then. 

I really like who I am, and although the life that lies ahead of me is not the one I would've designed, I think I know I'll just have to get used to forging it alone. 

So am I close to my family - not really. 

Forty is a rebirth of sorts. I just don't know how long new me is going to live for or what I want her life to look like. I have all the info, like I thought I did at 30...

Maybe the difference now is I'm more aware of my options. The workplace hadn't quite beaten me down yet. At 30, I thought my life was just beginning. I thought I had the information I need to make the best choices and have a chance at a really good life. I thought I was starting over with some aces in my pocket.

Now I know I'm really starting over with no tricks up my sleeve. It's just me. I get to decide my reactions and responses to things.

Life is this thing that happens to me. That's not what I thought I was going to write, but that's what came out. I just get to avoid mine fields and the rest of the time is mine. That is more clear. I thought I wrote my destiny (well sort of...because I also thought I was supposed to find it...and that it was pre-ordained by God....so that's confusing). 

Either way none of those old belief systems are true. They didn't stand the test time. Life is this thing that happens. The rest of my days will be spent navigating the circumstances of my life. 

All these yearnings aren't 'a calling,' they're just leftovers from a tired narrative. I'm not missing out on some once in a lifetime opportunity. My regrets are regrets of small wins. I regret the things that would have made the next short period of time more tolerable. I can not abide by them being lifelong regrets any longer.