Mon, Dec 5, 2022, Low Mood Day 2

 I thought it was Day 3, but my mood tracker says I was feeling good on Saturday, so who knows. I don't know if it's the cold starts to the morning or the cloudy day or what.

Haven't been feeling particularly upbeat.

I thought I'd cracked my sleep routine by going to sleep later, but the last couple nights, I've just been awake for 3 hours in bed.

I've always just thought it was because I don't do anything all day. But I slept really well for a week or so in November. But maybe that was my body catching up on sleep from my vacation.

Either way, I decided to go to Maryland this weekend. Last night I thought about going to Seattle for a month but my heart just wasn't in it. If I'm this down in this grey cloudy weather that's going to be in the 50s, being in Seattle isn't going to help boost my mood. 

I need to do some laundry. I was going to try to stuff my clothes for the trip in this small backpack because I didn't want to go in the scary closet before and after the trip, but I decided to just suck it up. I'm still not planning on going in the bins to get out new clothes. That's just too much effort. And thinking. 

Considering I'll be on a train and taking metro, it'll just be easier to have a suitcase that closes and I can stuff everything in versus the backpack and a tote bag. 

I don't think I'll have the best time in Maryland because I haven't been around anyone for 3 weeks straight in a loooong time, but we'll see how it goes. 

It will be fun to go to a work party. 

In the wee hours of the morning I realized that 'prayer' I prayed about going to Seattle was just me probably deciding I didn't want to go. None of my 'prayers' really came true and all the 'signs' have been false (I'm looking at you Duke, and Dan and teaching and Stanford). So I really got to adapt to this mindset of looking at the evidence, likelihood, and what I actually want. And just be okay with making logical conclusions instead of falling back on the whimsical.

But when you've been force fed hope and destiny all your life, it's a tough cycle to break. 

In this moment I am glad I came back because if this cold grey start to the day is bringing me down, imagine if I'd been in Seattle with cold dark rain. Thanks, Past Me, prayer or not, you did the best for our emotional well being. It just sucks that it doesn't line up with the man hunt.