Sun, Dec 4, 2022, Faith doesn't cure depression

 It's the end of the year, so naturally a time of reflection. I had some life and money thoughts circling and found myself clicking through some old notes. Just looking for something, anything...a way out, a plan, a promise. 

But it turns out as I reread old blog posts or old paper journal entries or electronic entries of reflections, none of my thoughts are new. I don't know exactly when they started, sometimes I think as far back as age 7, sometimes age 17, but now I have documentation I've felt this way for at least 10 years.

Notes from and old journal

Have I been depressed this whole time. I read some of Frugalwoods post about how she's been depressed for either 10 or 20 years and that was expressed in her clothing choices. But was only formally diagnosed after she was married and on her second kid. Weird right. 

What I think is weird for me is until recently, this felt like the first time I had such strong thoughts. I think the 2 years of crying was my low. It turns out my posts on here having been the first time I've thought or planned to end my life. Surprise! I thought it was all a recent development. Even my thoughts on God and fate and destiny and life plans. Nope, these are all recurring thoughts and ruminations. I've basically been stuck in Groundhog Day hell. Every single year I just relive over and over and over for the last 10 years...maybe even 30.

I used to think it was circumstantial because I could point to specific events that made me feel bad - as a 7 year old, when I turned 17 and college didn't work out; teaching didn't work out; pharmacy school at 27, or rejection from a casual hookup at 38. 

I think it feels more salient recently because...well it's happening as I document it and I also have never had this much free time. 

Well I can tell you for the first time in maybe a decade, I am planning on living. Not just the default of not dying. But I actually am planning to live. (Which, to be sure, is not the same thing as wanting to live.)

But in these decade old notes which I'm pretty sure are the same thoughts I had at age 17, I still wonder about life and destiny and signs and giving up on looking for romantic love. I think the difference is what was once an educated guess has 10-20 years of evidence. 

I don't know yet what to do with this information. I have no declarative statements in this moment. I have no grand plans or major life shifts. I am still planning 'My Perfect Year' but even that has lost its lustre a bit. Now that I know it's not the first time I've tried to do this. What's different is I'm not planning for bad outcomes. I'm trying to live next year without fear of being jinxed. 

What's funny in my posts from 10 years ago, I was focusing on my planning out The Next 30, but now I only have 20 of those 30 years left! Wow, did ten years of my life just pass me by?

20Dec2022 Update - Recently found a journal entry from 2010 that said, 'I want to die.' Notably the logged entries in this same document from 2009 were hopeful and light and appropriate for a young woman in her 20s.