Sun, Dec 25, 2022, Faith and family

 I have a lot of thoughts but mostly I just want to relax and eat my desserts. Family gatherings as they are aren't for me. I accomplished my goal of not wanting to be alone for December so in that regard I'm glad I came.

The family get together was as expected, but luckily I didn't feel worse. It was weird and awkward but manageable.

My little cousins aren't that great. As much as I want to have a relationship with them, I'm definitely the one doing all the work. Granted I'm 17 years older than them, so they probably see me as an old auntie, so I'm a bit torn.

I almost cried when I asked them to give me a ride and they refused. It really brought me down. Wah, poor me.

I try so hard and for nothing. 

Just all of it is making me reflect on relationships with males, even 22 year old relatives. I'm tired of performing.

Seeing myself through the eyes of Dr. Pat, I do think every little hi needs to turn into a long-term relationship. 

I really want to get my cousins started off on the right financial footing, but it's ultimately not my responsibility. This was my year to stay out of people's pockets. I faltered a lot here and there but definitely not with the guns blazing I came in with earlier years.

Next year, I already am planning to go somewhere warm for the holidays. Not sure if it'll be Hawaii, but it won't be here. 

Eventhough I did want to cry today, luckily it wasn't at church. Now that I see my family and their reliance on prayer and faith to cure all their ails, it's really hard to buy into. I have a lot of thoughts on this that will probably spill over into posts in the coming days, but that's the start for now.

So I could go to church and see it for what it was instead of 'being mad at God.' Some of the things they say, I don't even feel a reaction to. I do want to say something but at least I know it doesn't effect me as it once did. 

I realized there's this pervasive thought with my family's brand of Christianity that you need to struggle and not make money or have secular fun to be considered a good Christian. They focus on the big three of Christians - drinking, sex, and money. 

Now that I see it for what it is, I can see them as different And still live my life. I no longer feel beholden to this narrative.

I remember in my teens/twenties trying to figure out what I was going to pursue. At the time it was a choice between being a teacher and pursuing pharmacy. I remembered thinking God won't like it if I 'chase money' (by being a pharmacist). So I went after teaching. To be fair, I also thought I would be good at it. But so many of my family members chose service positions. 

I don't have a call for family (creating or being an active part of one) or serving or pursuing the great commission. I unfortunately wasn't blessed with the abundance I would have liked either. 

So from my perspective, I'm in this no man's land. And it's one I find myself in over and over and over again.

Anyway, because I don't see faith and destiny as this thing I failed or that failed me, I can go to church and not cry. It's like a cool live theater performance. And something to do. If I can go to board games with Seattle gamers, sure I can go to church or church services with my family members. There aren't any consequences. 

And from a self-centered view, it filled my objective. I didn't want to be alone. 

I'm definitely ready to go home and wish I could leave sooner rather than later.