Sun, Dec 11, 2022, A bit of a delay and I flexed flexibility

 So I was all packed and ready to go when a committee member called to tell me an item she sent with her mom (for me) was able to picked up 100 miles away. Ok, I can get it when I come back, I thought.

But then she told me her son was spiking a fever and that hospitals were being overrun with 'tripledemic' patients so she didn't want to take her kid to the ER for fear of being turned away and also exposed to more sick people.

Yikes! I was flooded with the memory of this is exactly why I didn't go to Maryland for an extended period of time last year. I just worried about being sick and either having to work while sick or regretting I was sick while away from home. 

I was panicked and not sure what to do. It was after midnight. Do I go tomorrow? Do I go at all? 

I knew I was already set on going because it was getting harder and harder to be alone in this house. The only person I was really having regular contact with was the 40 minute session with my counselor on Wednesdays. The days of silence were getting to me this time around. I've had enough of the silence. My cup is full and overflowing of silence and alone time.

I knew I wasn't going to have a 'fun time' in Maryland, but I wouldn't be alone. And actually what I fully realized this morning, is that there would be other people talking. In this case, negative attention/interaction was better than no interaction at all. A month long stay would help with the upcoming winter hibernation. I would have something to run away from. 

In the end, after the phone call, I decided to sleep on it. I had until 9a the next day to cancel my ticket for a full refund. Or until 12n to modify my reservation. 

I thought about just cancelling my ticket that night instead of having to worry about getting up early to do it. But in the end went to sleep just to stop thinking about it.

I woke up by 8a and at that point decided to just cancel the ticket and get some time back to think.

What I did DIFFERENTLY this time was not look at this new information as some destined sign. I saw it as just new data, another data point for my consideration in my decision making. 

The new information was distilled to

- Infection rates are on the rise

- My friend might not be able to go to the Christmas party with me

My counselor says you can only use anxiety to be as prepared as possible, after that it's wasted.

So what can I do to prepare for the rising infection rates? I decided to go ahead and get my flu vaccine. The low-effort clicking I did said the infections were more related to flu and RSV. So I got the flu shot. It won't be effective for 14 days, so there's a bit of placebo effect, and I'd like to think there's some leftover immunity from all things I've been vaccinated with the last year or two. Plus it still doesn't feel like peak flu season.

As for the Christmas party, while that was part of the motivation for extending my trip to a week earlier, it was more of a bonus than an impetus. Yesterday, I was thinking, I'll just head out on Wednesday that way my colleague will know if she/her son is well enough for her to attend the party. But I think even if they can't go, I'll try to head out Wednesday anyway. Reason being how bored I was Saturday and Wed is a better day given my current work schedule. 

So yes, instead of scrapping the trip altogether and trying to find meaning (and then being frustrated because there never is), I actually used a tool I learned in counseling! #babysteps

In the end, I got my item yesterday because I didn't want it weighing on my mind, and I'm still planning to travel. 

This time the cacophony of predictably unsettling extended family beats the deafening silence and additional alone time with my thoughts. 

I ran the Seattle Plans for next year through my brain again. Brain is still trying to get me to go in like March/April. It's telling me it's my last year of being in my 30s that I should just be there and see what happens. I think it's playing the narrative of me telling Sean I was moving back after Q1, and somehow forgetting that this man has told me multiple times he wants nothing to do with me. And has essentially ghosted me. In the Spring of 2023 fantasy, Brain is trying to convince me that if I go, it'll show him I'm true to my word and magically we'll pick things up right where we left off and end up living happily ever after. Right. This time, naturally will be different. This is OF COURSE not a grand gesture; this is different somehow. I'm Not chasing a guy. Right.

But Rational Brain says, when you think about it, you are still actively pursuing dating, by the sheer fact that you're:

- Planning to return

- Open to doing different activities to meet people

- Gonna be clean and pretty when I go out

- I mean the sheer fact that I'm going to be in Seattle for me is active pursuit. 

I'm not sure why it matters if I go in April or May. And I've always maintained, if Sean messages me and asks me if I'm around, I'll say yes, I'll be there in a few days and move my timeline up.

Otherwise, I'm not sure what else I'll be doing in Seattle in March and April and most of May. Also in my fantasy text, it was imagined that we'd be in regular communication and visit and that there was a plan of me returning without him asking me to, not just no-contact for 5 months. So yeah, Mean Brain, stop trying to trick me!