My Early Retirement Journey: 2022

Sun, Dec 25, 2022, Faith and family

I have a lot of thoughts but mostly I just want to relax and eat my desserts. Family gatherings as they are aren't for me. I accomplished my goal of not wanting to be alone for December so in that regard I'm glad I came.

The family get together was as expected, but luckily I didn't feel worse. It was weird and awkward but manageable.

My little cousins aren't that great. As much as I want to have a relationship with them, I'm definitely the one doing all the work. Granted I'm 17 years older than them, so they probably see me as an old auntie, so I'm a bit torn.

I almost cried when I asked them to give me a ride and they refused. It really brought me down. Wah, poor me.

I try so hard and for nothing.

Just all of it is making me reflect on relationships with males, even 22 year old relatives. I'm tired of performing.

Seeing myself through the eyes of Dr. Pat, I do think every little hi needs to turn into a long-term relationship.

I really want to get my cousins started off on the right financial footing, but it's ultimately not my responsibility. This was my year to stay out of people's pockets. I faltered a lot here and there but definitely not with the guns blazing I came in with earlier years.

Next year, I already am planning to go somewhere warm for the holidays. Not sure if it'll be Hawaii, but it won't be here.

Eventhough I did want to cry today, luckily it wasn't at church. Now that I see my family and their reliance on prayer and faith to cure all their ails, it's really hard to buy into. I have a lot of thoughts on this that will probably spill over into posts in the coming days, but that's the start for now.

So I could go to church and see it for what it was instead of 'being mad at God.' Some of the things they say, I don't even feel a reaction to. I do want to say something but at least I know it doesn't effect me as it once did.

I realized there's this pervasive thought with my family's brand of Christianity that you need to struggle and not make money or have secular fun to be considered a good Christian. They focus on the big three of Christians - drinking, sex, and money.

Now that I see it for what it is, I can see them as different And still live my life. I no longer feel beholden to this narrative.

I remember in my teens/twenties trying to figure out what I was going to pursue. At the time it was a choice between being a teacher and pursuing pharmacy. I remembered thinking God won't like it if I 'chase money' (by being a pharmacist). So I went after teaching. To be fair, I also thought I would be good at it. But so many of my family members chose service positions.

I don't have a call for family (creating or being an active part of one) or serving or pursuing the great commission. I unfortunately wasn't blessed with the abundance I would have liked either.

So from my perspective, I'm in this no man's land. And it's one I find myself in over and over and over again.

Anyway, because I don't see faith and destiny as this thing I failed or that failed me, I can go to church and not cry. It's like a cool live theater performance. And something to do. If I can go to board games with Seattle gamers, sure I can go to church or church services with my family members. There aren't any consequences.

And from a self-centered view, it filled my objective. I didn't want to be alone.

I'm definitely ready to go home and wish I could leave sooner rather than later.

Wed, Dec 21, 2022, I'm ready for a family of my own

It's Wednesday. I had counseling with Counselor Mark today. I told him about Max and he said it was not worthwhile to pursue a friendship with him. Yeah, but... I wanted to say.

But I kind of already knew that. A part of me did want him to flirt back with me. And obviously leave his wife for me, duh.

Although there were a few sweet moments we shared, he didn't pursue me. He pursued his wife. They never pursue me do they?

I felt a little embarrassed, but that's the good thing about therapy. My counselor is like a confessional. I never have to see him again if I don't want to.

He thinks I seek approval from others and when they reject me and I spiral it's because I think there's something insufficient about me. I don't think that.

And I'm tired of trying to convince counselors otherwise.

So I'm learning not to take heed of all of his advice. Because they still want us to interact in the way we aspire all humans to interact. And that's just not reality.

I'm a depressed girl with depressive flares. I don't want to make anyone feel better. I just want to feel better. That can be my only objective.

Tomorrow I have a session with Katie. Maryland Aunty will be home so that will be interesting to try to disguise the conversation. If I go to another room, it will make her suspicious. But I'm not ready to reveal to her that I'm in counseling.

Oh Counselor Mark said the default is to build and maintain relationships with your family members. Meh.

I don't think because they don't invite me to the family get-togethers that they necessarily care if I'm there or not. That I think he's wrong about.

Not much else to report. I still haven't worked on my 2 work projects, but I am hopeful they'll be manageable when I get back to NC.

Tues, Dec 20, What did I hope to accomplish

I thought I could go through Christmas without getting into some nonsense. Fail! I had too much time on my hands not doing my work!

I was revising some history and added the photos of me and Sean back to my Fall album. It ended but for 2 weeks it was awesome!

My mood tracking app, Daylio, made a yearly report of my moods. It said like the last 10 days of October were my happiest streak. The common denominator - Sean.

(Side note: I've tried a few other habit/tracking apps after reading Purple's blog, but this one is the easiest. She didn't recommend it but she gave me the idea of tracking moods through an app.)

Anyway, I really was trying to see if my moods were related to an ovulation cycle but haven't found any trends. I do know that long spells of low moods tend to happen in 10 day periods, so for now, I just start counting down. The last one lasted 3 days.

I wanted to include some meaningful screenshots but never got around to it. But here's some fun data:

2022 (Aug - 20Dec)

Entries: 239

Best Month: December (average mood: 3.5)

Mood stability: 80/100 (don't actually know what that means, but it says the higher the number the more balanced you are)

Longest Best Day Streak: 10/19 - 10/30

My mood for the year: 3 (neutral)

Although there were some really awful days (qty 17); looks like I averaged some good days as well (qty 63).

Notably there were no 'Best' Days, but that's okay.

The settings I have are

Turquoise: Best - 0

Green: Good - 63

Blue: Neutral - 58

Orange: Bad - 27

Red: Worst: 17

The data is still super cool even if a bit simplistic. But I like it.

I set up a reminder to remind me to check my mood at the end of the day. I noticed, I'm more likely to record low moods multiple times in a day than good moods. So that can skew the numbers, but even still I think it's a good place to start.

Anyway, I was sharing some photos with a committee member and I wanted to be silly so I added back the photos I had of Sean and me to the shared album. They were super cute because he's super cute!

So that started my mischief. So a couple days ago I was looking for something in my Documents and came across an old text from this boy named Max and he said he would cook for some sometime. This is like 2009/2010.

It made me wonder if there was something there that I missed. But then actually today, I stumbled upon some other emails where we did rightly get salty (that's why you should never go back in the past, MERJ has always been smart!). Anyway, he'd sent me some naked photos of him running on the beach.

I forwarded them to him with an lol.

It was funny, but now I'm wondering what did I hope to accomplish? What if his wife saw them? It feels very naughty but I did it anyway.

Mon, Dec 19, 2022, Affirmations

It's Monday, and I totally forgot I am still technically working this week. I have no desire to work on my projects, but I really wish I would just do them. I would enjoy our week off next week a lot more if I had them off my plate.

I also really want to get the experience of doing deep-work on just my laptop vs my laptop and two external screens.

I just don't know what to write, and I'm not in the right frame of mind to focus.

Some affirmations from my long weekend with family:

- The men in my family are weirdos. I realized from my uncles and male cousins that they are surrounded by hysterical women who lead the conversations and lead the household. My brother stopped by and didn't know I was here and had nothing to say to me. A boy I dated once named Mark had pointed it out when he asked if I was close to my sibling. I say we're not not-close, but when we get together it's just a few words exchanged. Unless I'm the one peppering him with questions. So lately, I've decided not to do that. Anyway, Mark said so you basically just exchange platitudes. Um, yep. Is it different for other people?

My littler cousins are just so much fun to annoy, but it's annoying that they're the same way. I try to engage and offer (unsolicited) advice, but they sometimes answer and sometimes don't. It's frustrating. I am older than them by about 16 years, so I feel I should try a little harder.

But that's what I never got about "family gatherings." The food is okay, and the company is okay. Comparing it to my work party, I'd rather go to my work party. At least no one is yelling, and I don't have to wash dishes.

I don't think I'm going to go to the family Christmas gathering. I've already had my eating event; I did Karaoke, and got my picture taken.

When I think of what it would be like to introduce my partner to my family, I don't know that I would. At least it wouldn't be the milestone popular culture would have you believe.

There's no one they need to get approval from.

I've thought about letting Jessi and Max know I'm in town, but I'm not really sure what the point is. They are unpredictable variables. I don't really have a desire to take Metro to see Max and Jess will probably "not check her email."

I'm more affirmed in my desire to not chase people down to hang out with me.

I think I'm going to have my own pity party Christmas party. Make the foods I want to eat and watch my shows.

I tried asking Maryland Aunty and Evangelical Aunty for words of wisdom between ages 40 and 60. Evangelical Aunty can't help but talk about God and faith. I really couldn't care. There was nothing really solid. Just sometimes you'll be disappointed, but pray about it. Something about marriage that didn't end up really having a point.

Some famous person committed suicide and they kept recounting all the things he had - a wife and 3 young kids. As if those are reasons to not end your life. It's funny the speculation that goes on in the lay public's head when someone ends their life.

I think they all lie when they pretend they can't understand why someone would end their life. I have a hard time believing that most people don't think about it every now and then.

I really like who I am, and although the life that lies ahead of me is not the one I would've designed, I think I know I'll just have to get used to forging it alone.

So am I close to my family - not really.

Forty is a rebirth of sorts. I just don't know how long new me is going to live for or what I want her life to look like. I have all the info, like I thought I did at 30...

Maybe the difference now is I'm more aware of my options. The workplace hadn't quite beaten me down yet. At 30, I thought my life was just beginning. I thought I had the information I need to make the best choices and have a chance at a really good life. I thought I was starting over with some aces in my pocket.

Now I know I'm really starting over with no tricks up my sleeve. It's just me. I get to decide my reactions and responses to things.

Life is this thing that happens to me. That's not what I thought I was going to write, but that's what came out. I just get to avoid mine fields and the rest of the time is mine. That is more clear. I thought I wrote my destiny (well sort of...because I also thought I was supposed to find it...and that it was pre-ordained by God....so that's confusing).

Either way none of those old belief systems are true. They didn't stand the test time. Life is this thing that happens. The rest of my days will be spent navigating the circumstances of my life.

All these yearnings aren't 'a calling,' they're just leftovers from a tired narrative. I'm not missing out on some once in a lifetime opportunity. My regrets are regrets of small wins. I regret the things that would have made the next short period of time more tolerable. I can not abide by them being lifelong regrets any longer.

Sat, Dec 17, 2022, Is it time for me to go?

So I made it to Maryland. I went to my work Christmas party and had some yummy food. And all of a sudden it's Saturday. As usual, after about 3 days the novelty of 'visiting family' has worn off and the digs have started. There have already been 2 comments about my hair and a few comments about my 'big butt.'

My aunt is getting fussy and loud. I want to leave.

One of my cousins is having her birthday party for her kid, and I don't really want to go. I think my aunt wanted to go.

My other aunt was getting fussy about the Thanksgiving get together I didn't even go to but invited a committee member too. Apparently that was a no-no.

Maryland Aunty says I'm a 'disciple' to the blogs I read. What does that even mean? I confronted her about the "God told me" and she got loud and tried to say if you don't hear God, it's because you don't have a relationship with him.

This family is infuriating.

I'm cold and a little bit hungry and annoyed.

My little cousins don't really talk and they're just raised differently than I was. When I look at the relationship I have with my family, it's no wonder I'm single and friendless. The men in my family just kind of wait on the women to do all the planning and family bonding stuff.

I don't think any of them ever initiate a conversation or try to have a relationship with me. So I don't know what a healthy relationship with the opposite sex even looks like. I've never had one.

My brother stopped by unexpectedly, and this time I just waited for him to have the conversation. We exchanged platitudes and then he left. I'm not sure what the big deal is for getting together. It's kind of the contention I've held about these things.

Half the time I can't eat the food, and I don't really have conversations with anyone at the get togethers. I wouldn't say I'm particularly close with any of my cousins. Anything I know about them I hear second hand which is as good as a social media story. You only hear the highlights (or lowlights), and you have to make up the rest.

My goal was not to be stuck in the house and alone for the rest of the month. But I'm still weighing if this is a better option. I looked at the meetups in my town and there's really nothing I can even turn my nose up at until January.

I'm trying not to look too far ahead and be dismayed.

And I truly have work to do, but I'm not sure if going back means I'll do it.

Right now I want to make a big batch of puppy chow and go home and buy a month of Discovery Plus and watch all my shows.

I'm glad I came for the Christmas party because I got my need for a big social gathering and yummy eats out of the way.

I don't even want to go to Mean Auntie's house for Christmas.

Maybe I'll talk it over with my counselor.

I really wish I didn't have real work to do.

Phew just checked a message from Bruno and it wasn't bad. One crisis averted.

I can't help but try to future plan if this is really what my life will look like.

Meh.

I don't really have anything to go back to, but I don't really want to stay here.

Maybe I'll leave Tuesday?

Fri, Dec 16, 2022, More work

Is it possible my great work-life balance is coming to an end. This week has just felt like a pile on. What was supposed to be 2 easy projects has turned into 2 not easy projects that are due when we get back from break. Which basically means I need to work on them next week.

For some reason, working on just the laptop is not proving conducive to actual authoring. I hate it.

I am a creature of habit. I want my work space, my snacks, my routine. I want my screens!

Technically, I could just go into the office since I am nearby, but I'd probably need to be dropped off and have to find my way around.

If I actually knew what to write that would be helpful.

I actually completely overlooked a meeting I had later today. Good thing I logged in. I'm kind of waiting for it to be over so I can start my weekend.

I need a plan for getting all this work done, and I know it doesn't start today.

I really hope I can magically get it all done over 1 to 2 days next week even if I'm on the itty bitty laptop screen and have to toggle between many platforms and documents. Groan. I can do this!

This is when I crave Call Center Life. My work was easy and I didn't have to attend meetings or solve problems or create content.

This is the part of the job that I was afraid of doing because I don't actually enjoy writing technical stuff from scratch. I don't want to synthesize anything. My brain is tired.

So this is why it's hard for me to project into the future about career (but also why I'm glad I have my safety net), if this becomes the norm, I see myself exiting sooner rather than later.

So right now I feel a bit stressed and a little annoyed at this upcoming meeting. I don't know the answers to the questions, and I don't know how to ask for help.

Is my sweet ride over?

Mon, Dec 12, 2022, No burrito for you

I had to do actual work today and been given work to do that's due upon return from Xmas break. Yoinks! This is not what I planned to do with my time off.

When I looked at my calendar this morning I realized I could leave tomorrow, but then this project has landed in my lap. Grr.

I'm trying to be on Christmas break.

So luckily I can work on it tomorrow. Then still plan to leave Wednesday.

I have a feeling January is going to be hectic. Groan.

Anyway, I had a side of free guac on my Chipotle app, but after trying to use it, I realized I had to buy a full entree first. When all I was really hungry for was a Kid's Meal.

So scratch that. Look at me being adaptable!

Am I maturing? Ha!

So tomorrow - finish yet another deliverable.

Wed - run away!

Thurs - Christmas party!

So, no burrito today.

But I'm feeling good. The sun is out. I re-arranged my office furniture. I applied for 2 more bank bonuses, and I have a plan!

A committee member is dabbling into Fiverr and Upwork for voice acting. They apparently wanted to be an actor at some point but thought this would be a good compromise given their family life.

It reminded me that I wanted to be an old lady actress at some point. I considered for a second and wondered if this could be my hobby. Meh, I had just kind of decided recently, that I'm okay where I am. I don't plan on pushing for any more rungs on the corporate ladder. As long as my workload stays light and flexible, I am perfectly happy with my job and compensation.

If my house's pest problem stays under control, I think this is my retirement house.

And for as long as I keep working at this salary or higher, I think I want to keep taking these snowbird/ summer bird vacations. I'm even wondering if there's something I can do for Winter in the future.

So there's lifestyle, career, and money for you. Oh, and my next financial milestone is to hit $1mill in five years or less.

But for the lifestyle choices of others, it would be dumb to think those things won't filter in, so I decided just to consider it, think of it as a data point, assess whether it fits into my vision for my life (now that I have a mission statement).

So as for voice-over acting, sounds fun. I'd be up for it if it was lucrative and consistent work. But acting is not easy, even voice acting. Unless there's a compelling reason to start it next year, it's not in my plan for 2023.

Look at me making rational decisions! No signs, no meanings, just new data points.

Matching Damage or How to Pick a Partner

It's pretty common that people enter in relationships with something from their past that they want to revise or recreate.

As I was watching the Netflix special about Harry and Meghan, it was affirmed once again. He wanted someone he could protect but also reminded him of his mother. (But also, he saw a goofy pic of her and as the story always goes, had to meet her; so MERJ...be pretty!!)

So I thought about using this to work backwards and figure out the avatar for the mate that would be looking for me.

The things that are easily deliverable for me:

- Loyalty

- Attention

(*good financial habits)

*If the man is the provider, I'm not sure how many of them go into relationships with financial compatibility in mind, that usually just turns out to be something they find out later.

So focusing on Loyalty:

My husband's avatar is going to be someone who has been cheated on, betrayed by friends or family in some way. Maybe doesn't have too many close friends for a variety of reasons. (So someone new to the area, like someone in Seattle would be good; an introvert maybe; definitely not someone who is the life of the party; so I think a semi-social, introvert techie, without a lot of friends. So I think these meetups are a good place, and I probably am going to have to keep scouring trivia and board game nights for this avatar; I wonder though if by Dr. Pat's standards how that goes for date planning because in this scenario, I would need to be the one planning the fun dates; but maybe he can still plan the dates but I can have an overtly fun social life that he wants to be a part of as he chooses....so he can indirectly benefit from it without me being the one to 'date' him.)

For my strength of Attention:

- My Husband Avatar is someone whose mom didn't pay a lot of attention to him. Maybe didn't get a lot of attention from women; or at work; or somewhere where he wants attention and there is a deficit; so someone raised by a single, struggling mom but not a mama's boy. So there's some relationship but not a super close one. Someone whose mom was neglected by their partner, if that person's parents are still married somehow.

And maybe has a wayward sibling that they're not particularly close to and don't look up to. Preferably an older brother.

It needs to be someone who doesn't want what their parents had.

The struggling might be good because this might be time for him to want to be hero/protector to me and want to financially support us.

The trick might be someone who comes from a broken family might want a family, but I feel like if you live in a city like Seattle, there's still some adventure left in you.

So Sean fits that bill better than Dan.

So I think my Husband Avatar is more like a Sean. Steve in more so, but I think Steve is more of a feminine energy man and I want to be the feminine energy.

The ideal prototype is:

- Raised by a struggling, single mom, who is either dead or not that close. Has found career and financial success/stability and is looking for someone to invest in financially and emotionally. And protect. Is still building roots in the community.

Parts of this prototype are what I've been drawn to naturally, but the other parts I got wrong. I used to want someone with established roots in their community who came from a large family. But those people tend to have more options and would take longer to commit. I liked social people because they were easier to get along with, but this little exercise tells me I need to refocus my efforts. I like it, I'm always here for a rule or better guidance. And luckily based on job availability and being a hot city right now, Seattle still seems like a great place to meet my Husband Avatar.

Sun, Dec 11, 2022, A bit of a delay and I flexed flexibility

So I was all packed and ready to go when a committee member called to tell me an item she sent with her mom (for me) was able to picked up 100 miles away. Ok, I can get it when I come back, I thought.

But then she told me her son was spiking a fever and that hospitals were being overrun with 'tripledemic' patients so she didn't want to take her kid to the ER for fear of being turned away and also exposed to more sick people.

Yikes! I was flooded with the memory of this is exactly why I didn't go to Maryland for an extended period of time last year. I just worried about being sick and either having to work while sick or regretting I was sick while away from home.

I was panicked and not sure what to do. It was after midnight. Do I go tomorrow? Do I go at all?

I knew I was already set on going because it was getting harder and harder to be alone in this house. The only person I was really having regular contact with was the 40 minute session with my counselor on Wednesdays. The days of silence were getting to me this time around. I've had enough of the silence. My cup is full and overflowing of silence and alone time.

I knew I wasn't going to have a 'fun time' in Maryland, but I wouldn't be alone. And actually what I fully realized this morning, is that there would be other people talking. In this case, negative attention/interaction was better than no interaction at all. A month long stay would help with the upcoming winter hibernation. I would have something to run away from.

In the end, after the phone call, I decided to sleep on it. I had until 9a the next day to cancel my ticket for a full refund. Or until 12n to modify my reservation.

I thought about just cancelling my ticket that night instead of having to worry about getting up early to do it. But in the end went to sleep just to stop thinking about it.

I woke up by 8a and at that point decided to just cancel the ticket and get some time back to think.

What I did DIFFERENTLY this time was not look at this new information as some destined sign. I saw it as just new data, another data point for my consideration in my decision making.

The new information was distilled to

- Infection rates are on the rise

- My friend might not be able to go to the Christmas party with me

My counselor says you can only use anxiety to be as prepared as possible, after that it's wasted.

So what can I do to prepare for the rising infection rates? I decided to go ahead and get my flu vaccine. The low-effort clicking I did said the infections were more related to flu and RSV. So I got the flu shot. It won't be effective for 14 days, so there's a bit of placebo effect, and I'd like to think there's some leftover immunity from all things I've been vaccinated with the last year or two. Plus it still doesn't feel like peak flu season.

As for the Christmas party, while that was part of the motivation for extending my trip to a week earlier, it was more of a bonus than an impetus. Yesterday, I was thinking, I'll just head out on Wednesday that way my colleague will know if she/her son is well enough for her to attend the party. But I think even if they can't go, I'll try to head out Wednesday anyway. Reason being how bored I was Saturday and Wed is a better day given my current work schedule.

So yes, instead of scrapping the trip altogether and trying to find meaning (and then being frustrated because there never is), I actually used a tool I learned in counseling! #babysteps

In the end, I got my item yesterday because I didn't want it weighing on my mind, and I'm still planning to travel.

This time the cacophony of predictably unsettling extended family beats the deafening silence and additional alone time with my thoughts.

I ran the Seattle Plans for next year through my brain again. Brain is still trying to get me to go in like March/April. It's telling me it's my last year of being in my 30s that I should just be there and see what happens. I think it's playing the narrative of me telling Sean I was moving back after Q1, and somehow forgetting that this man has told me multiple times he wants nothing to do with me. And has essentially ghosted me. In the Spring of 2023 fantasy, Brain is trying to convince me that if I go, it'll show him I'm true to my word and magically we'll pick things up right where we left off and end up living happily ever after. Right. This time, naturally will be different. This is OF COURSE not a grand gesture; this is different somehow. I'm Not chasing a guy. Right.

But Rational Brain says, when you think about it, you are still actively pursuing dating, by the sheer fact that you're:

- Planning to return

- Open to doing different activities to meet people

- Gonna be clean and pretty when I go out

- I mean the sheer fact that I'm going to be in Seattle for me is active pursuit.

I'm not sure why it matters if I go in April or May. And I've always maintained, if Sean messages me and asks me if I'm around, I'll say yes, I'll be there in a few days and move my timeline up.

Otherwise, I'm not sure what else I'll be doing in Seattle in March and April and most of May. Also in my fantasy text, it was imagined that we'd be in regular communication and visit and that there was a plan of me returning without him asking me to, not just no-contact for 5 months. So yeah, Mean Brain, stop trying to trick me!

How I Spent $18k in Seattle in 3 months! (Everything I spent in Seattle in 2022)

So I was obsessing over my budget yesterday. Don't remember the circumstances, but I think I wanted to play out what it would look like financially to live in Seattle for 9 months next year.

I didn't have the mental expenses committed to memory. I had a number of $3k a month (additional) or $5k/mon inclusive of carrying my NC house. So based on the $3k/mon additional I was curious how I spent almost $20k on just a short 3-4 month stay.

Well when I got down to the nitty gritty, some of my mental math was a bit off.

	April (1 week escape)	May (part of 5 week stay)	Jun (part of 5 wk stay)	July (<1wk, purely for dating)	Sept (part of 7 wk stay)	Oct (full mon, part of 7 wk stay)	Total
Airfare	767.2	1220.21		975.2	501		$3,463.61
Lodging	851.86	5891.26	0	869.58	3932		$11,544.70
Transportation	21.44	148.92	51.53	27.1	$76	$117	$442.12
Food- Groceries					318	157	$475.00
Food- Restaurants	211.04		749.64	61.49	$142	$256	$1,419.85
Entertainment	56.53	19.03			$159	$148	$382.26
Hair							$0.00
Make Up		31.2	19.2	9.04			$59.44
Clothes		118.44		29.5			$147.94
Supplies		79.15	8.96	3.53	50		$141.64
Other							$0.00
							$0.00
Total	$1,908.07	$7,508.21	$829.33	$1,975.44	$5,178.10	$677.41	$18,076.56

You can see above just how much I spent. It's kind of a lot, but I knew once the mental dust settled I'd try to beat myself up over why I spent so much money escaping/ chasing boys/ chasing a fantasy/ going on a domestic vacation. Let's not remember I was making serious plans to end my life for most of this year. By most of my recent-past history, this was going to be either the last year of my life or the beginning of the end of the last years. There's still 20 days left so give it a time...

That's a joke. Anything can still happen, but not by my hand.

The point is, I refuse to beat up Past MERJ for spending $18k on a holiday. Who cares. We're all straddling that fine line of living while also dying. It just becomes more salient when you reach these middle ages. Where you are really straddling the middle.

The point is, I was curious why my numbers weren't adding up and I just needed to spreadsheet (yes, I'm using spreadsheet as a verb). Still try to make Seattle make sense. Though at this point, we know it's more than just the money. But let's focus on the money for now.

On my basic calculations (sans tithe, student loan), the expenses were last estimated to be:

NC: $1620/mon (~$18k/yr)

Seattle: $4670/mon (~$56k/yr)

Difference: $3050/mon

So I got it in my mind that 4 months in Seattle should have only cost me ~$12k (3k/mon *4 mons). Wrong.

First my calculations should have been the $2500/mon for housing PLUS $1k/mon for allowance (incl. food, shopping, entertainment, everything else). Which would have put me closer to $14k. And that really didn't account for airfare for which I spent a pretty penny.

And when I actually did the nitty gritty math of just how long I was there, it was closer to 3.5 months.

So I definitely overspent, but not where I thought. It was lodging. That second trip was wrought with so many things going wrong with Blueground and re-challenging my beliefs on 'signs'. That instead of grappling with it any longer, I just decided to go! I ended up just focusing on what I could get for the budget and just getting the heck out of NC. No regrets.

I'm glad on reflection, that even with this hybrid of vacation and local-living, that my allowance budget of $1k/mon is reasonable and can be adhered to.

For housing, I'm still hoping to be around $2500/mon, but will up it to $3k if I find a place I really like or that fits into my desired timetable. Actually now that I think about it, this might make the split work even better. I think at some point there must be a peak rental season and I would suspect it would fall within the time period I'm planning to be back in NC (mid Jul to mid to late Aug).

So this data doesn't make me feel bad. I know what I spent naturally on vacation and when I was trying to imagine a life there (Trip #4). And I know where I can trim (if I want, which of course I do) or just give myself permission to spend, now that I know what it costs.

Without airfare, I spent about $4200/mon. Which I was giving myself the leeway of about $5k/mon, so I'm not that mad about it. And was willing to flex that number depending on how long I want to stay or how lavish I want to live. So even without trying too hard to meet a certain target, my expenses were reasonable for my mental budget.

The almost $20k expense doesn't even scare me a bit because I have established savings goals and really while I don't know how long I'll live, I can only plan one year at a time. I just have to accept that. I'm straddling living and dying and it's always going to be a balance.

Anyway, so this exercise did help me try to put some real numbers to my expenses for next year, and I came up with some loose targets.

Airfare: Try to half next year, given I'll only be taking 2 flights, I should aim for $1700 or less. Enter in my credit card strategy for next year!

Lodging: aim for $2500/mon, but $3k okay if needed (which really I averaged about $3200/mon just that one lower priced one balanced out a higher priced unit)

Allowance: $1k/mon is perfect

This is the fun part. The privilege of gamifying your expenses!

In the end, I just feel good that my numbers work and I don't have to be uber frugal and I can still hit pretty moderate-aggressive savings goals!

Fri, Dec 9, 2022, Freshly showered and feeling fine

Out of respect for my fellow travelers on the train tomorrow, I took a shower. While I am fine with my smell, I knew I'd be worried about what odor I was giving off everytime I shifted position. And that would make me sweat and smell more.

I was kind of annoyed with packing yesterday because my carry-on was half full with just a pair of sweats and a billowy dress. So glad Rational Brain talked me out of trying to travel with just a backpack. Why choose hard when you can choose easy.

So I packed last night and bought my ticket this morning. I was getting a little annoyed with myself with some money leaks ($15 on two dresses I could save if I re-bought them with new discounts) and $15 more on the Amtrak fare for buying it the day before. But for the Amtrak, I remembered this is just what has to happen with travel and me for now.

So today, I'm feeling great. All packed, showered, ticketed. Today's big world decisions include:

- Take the trash to dump today or tomorrow

- Dinner

- Am I getting Chipotle lunch before my trip tomorrow

- Speaking of ...should I pretend to download some books on iPad in case I get bored. I have downloaded many a thing for travel and have yet to use them, but we'll do 1 book and 1 audio book just in case. Now where are my headphones?

I had been wanting some Thai food on Wed, so I told myself I could get it on Thursday. But the weather was a bit warmer and I didn't want to eat anything that heavy. But I said it would be my reward for driving all the way out to Old Navy to do the returns. But everything I was looking at was coming up $15+. Am I back in Seattle?

I just couldn't do it.

With the "lost" $15 at Old Navy and the "lost" $15 at Amtrak, I just couldn't spend another $15. I know, I know. This is just how it is sometimes.

Losing money doesn't feel good. Yes, I'll drop $50 on some vegan cookies, but I didn't lose money. I got the thing and that was how much the thing cost.

Anyway.

My HOA provider went to monthly billing for next year so I had to set them up in BillPay. That was fun. I have a credit for the 1st 3 months next year, so that was a fun reminder.

I have some other cards I need to change over next year. (This is why I prefer BillPay to using auto-pay with each biller's site.) And I still need to close 2 pre-paid cards.

And 90 seconds later, I just closed the Target Red Debit Card! Woot! That was quite painless, not sure why I waited so long!

And now Bluebird. I'm on hold.

But yeah, that's the weekend.

Ok Bluebird was closed in 5 mins.

Yay!! Look at me doing things!!

I feel amazing. I want to watch some true crime and eat chips!!

Eventhough I have these tasty vegan cookies, I still want my peanut butter patties from Food Lion. This is life.

Yesterday, I started to feel really bad for how I've been treating God lately. I was probably watching true crime or something and realized I probably had some wayward behavior in my childhood and I'm not intrinsically good. But I was truly blessed to have a family and not a lot of bad actors in my life.

Obviously from my lamentations on this blog, it hasn't been all rosy. BUT MOSTLY, it was.

I forget that sometimes.

I don't know how I can love Christmas and forget that we're celebrating Jesus. So He has to exist. I'm sorry, God, I give you such a hard time.

I know I won't be better next year, so I won't say I will. My life is just a Groundhog Day on repeat. So we'll be right back here next year.

Anywhoozle.

I don't want to be sad. I want to be happy. I want to stop thinking about next year, but I can't seem to.

I need something to obsess over and plan and re-plan and accomplish and achieve. I need a background goal that's achievable and is not passive like Savings.

Savings is definitely a great goal! And I'm glad it's achievable.

But I think to make next year go as well as possible in terms of my "preference" (therapy words) to be engaged by the end of the year, I need something else to focus on while I practice patient passiveness.

It's been fun re-reading A Purple Life's archives for the umpteenth time. I always learn something new, even if it's just about her. Or rather different things ping my brain each time I read it. This time, I'm paying more attention to Travel hacking/ award travel. There's some good information there.

I think what I've done right so far is actually have some trips picked out and work from there on getting the rewards.

Yesterday out of curiosity I looked to see how many points it would take to travel to DC from here and it was 9k which I have, but I also remembered I could fly to Seattle on that! So that is not a bargain. Considering the train ride is $77, I'll pay the $77 and keep my miles.

So I'm excited to earn some miles next year and hope it doesn't make me anxious. I have enough to pay for at least one leg there and since I have some flexibility with dates, I hope I can luck into some web specials and get two legs with just the points I have.

So default goal: use points for 1 leg

Goal +1: use points for 2 legs

Stretch goal: earn new points for third leg

She and both Root of Good have mentioned it is a bit of mental gymnastics, but I'm not as avid of a traveler as them and at this time I'm not super interested in long-term solo international travel.

I've actually never really done it. There's always been someone to meet me at the destination. Even with my escorted travel, Gate 1 was there.

Now that I am getting used to my version of early retirement though, I'm going to have to find new ways to spend my time. Travel is an easy escape.

Even now, I'm like there's nothing that says because the weather is milder in NC in winter that I actually have to stay here. I remember saying before how my favorite time of year in NC is Oct to April, but now I don't know how true that is.

It's milder compared to a mid-west winter but maybe I was comparing that time period to other time periods in NC not time periods in other places.

I wish I were even remotely interested in a cruise. Root of Good seems to enjoy them and it seems like such an easy escape. You don't have to worry about anything...no thinking is my kind of travel.

But then I remembered..there's probably not good wifi on a cruise, so I can't really use that as an escape if I want to do remote work.

But if travel ends up being something I do...weather, wifi, and access to good food will probably be top of my list.

Today, I am excited about my future.

Thu, Dec 8, 2022, Credit card strategy for Seattle

So now that I have a little more mental breathing room (and I got my work done for the week), I started giving more thought to travel hacking/ award travel.

I know it's popular in FIRE but after joining FIRE I wasn't really trying to spend money and I don't travel with much regularity.

Plus I wasn't trying to dabble with credit cards outside of getting the cash rewards and immediately cancelling them. Even last year felt like a little bit of a wobble because had I not opened those cards for the cashback bonus, I unlikely would not have been able to jet off to Seattle quite as easily.

So this year, now that I'm actually planning my life out for a year and it includes travel. I was starting to feel overwhelmed so I wrote it out a bit.

The key for me is not to think too far ahead for optimizing strategies, which is where I get lost in the weeds. I just focused on the next trip and up to the plans for next year.

So I knew I wanted:

1 card for airline travel - to get the free checked bag

1 card for 0% intro APR - because I plan to cash flow the trip as I am being paid (another post, maybe*), and lodging is pricey

I actually started clicking around a bit earlier this season and then more so last night. I was on reddit but starting to get lost in the acronyms and short codes.

So that's why I started with those objectives above.

I'm also limited by the fact that my nearest airport is a regional airport that only flies American and Delta.

Thus for my airline cards, my options are:

- AA Barclays (since I already got AA Citi's promotion within the last promotion cycle)

- Delta Skymiles card

This morning I looked into it and AA Barclays I get the impression might be harder to get, but because the spend is just any purchase for $60k bonus miles and it's already on AA, that's my first choice.

Delta is a close second because it's a low spend for 60k miles AND it's 0% intro.

So with just those 2 cards alone, I would meet my goal.

- Airline card for free checked bag

- 0% intro Card

- and a fat sign-up bonus in miles (where I usually go for cashback)

My default for the 0% intro card was Fidelity cashback card since it has a $150 sign up bonus and 2% cashback on all purchases.

Well my clicking also led me to:

- Chase Sapphire for their ultimate rewards which seems to be extremely popular with travel hackers

- Citi Premier

The issue I had with those is that I'm inexperienced using points for travel and it seems you have to go through a portal and transfer points to partner airlines. Considering I only have 2 airlines to choose from, I found this limiting. And I can't really check flights to see if my tiny airport would show up on their partner airline without creating a log-in. So that kind of deterred me.

Right now, the most sensible plan would be to apply for both the AA and Delta card for the bonus miles.

From what I can see so far, I have enough AA miles to travel at least 1 way for Trip #1. So it would be nice to have one of these cards to fund the other leg of the trip and accumulate more miles and get a free checked bag.

Again, I have a feeling I might get declined for AA Barclays, so in that case, I might still get the Fidelity card and/or the Chase or Citi card. But if I get a high enough limit on Delta Skymiles, the Fidelity card becomes less important since Delta is 0% and that's what I needed Fidelity for.

So if I get Delta and not AA Barclays, I'll try to apply for Chase Sapphire or Citi Premier. Both have big sign up bonuses, but I need to do research so see if one actually has miles I can use for travel. If not, I should still be able to get fat cashback bonus, which will be nice.

**Yesterday (or maybe the day before) I was also fretting about cashflowing my trip. Ideally, it would be easier to just save up the $20k for travel and spend from there. But there isn't enough time to do that by May with my regular pay.

So after siting down and estimating my paychecks, I think what I'm going to do is...

After maxing out 401k in Q1...

For April and May paychecks: just hoard that money in a Seattle Reserves account (this is mainly to help assuage anxiety about having money if someone falls in love with me and I decide to extend my stay); goal is with leftover bonus money to have 15k-20k+ saved.

Given my estimates, from Jun to Oct, I should be having a netpay (after recurring living expenses) of about $4k/mon x 5 months = $20k, which is the amount I budgeted for Lifestyle Expenses in 2023. And it just so happens to coincide with my trip dates. So that should help soothe the mental rumblings about overspending, and also the contradictory concern of not having enough on hand if I need to extend my stay for Love.

I just have to get comfortable with having that Reserves account sitting in Cash, but I'm actually okay with it because the savings rates are at least a little higher than they've been. If the market is really low, and I am tempted, I can always dump it into my taxable account since I will have already maxed out my 401k. So I can just reduce my contributions. So that's another lever.

But this tentative plan seems to meet all my needs/objective at the moment.

- Saving my default $36k/yr

- Having a plan to pay for my planned trips without overspending

- Having a back-up plan to pay for an extended stay for Love (and the accompanying permission to spend the money because the Reserves exist for this reason)

- And a back-up for that plan if the market is too tempting

These are the world's problems that are solvable, friends! I'm kind of excited to dip my toe in award travel; it is the tiniest of toes. I love planning for only good things instead of 10 million contingency plans for bad things. #softlife

Oh, as an added lever, if I do end up staying around NC for Nov and Dec, I can up my contributions back to 50% and take advantage of more tax-advantaged savings. Win!

Wed, Dec 7, 2022, Bubble guts and freedom

For the second day in a row, my stomach has felt rumbly. I think it was one of three things I ate or maybe all of them. I had a McDs biscuit which caused a faint rumble. Then had Mexican for lunch and they have questionable fat that they use and their guacamole is "creamy." Then I decided to top it off with donuts with questionable dairy content.

I've been able to enjoy Macdonald's over the last couple years with only mild distress and only recently started expanding into their buttery biscuits. I've also had those donuts and that Mexican food with some success. Yesterday was not the day.

It probably didn't help that I had just had big GI distress a week ago. I told myself I was giving up eating questionable things, but apparently that was a lie. I got rid of the A2 milk and the Oatmilk that was in the fridge that I never tried but apparently some of my old faves are doing my dirty.

I can probably forego future donut adventures for the time being, but will likely challenge myself to McDs breakfast in the foreseeable future. As for the Mexican fajitas, I don't eat there often and can either do Chipotle or if I don't want to drive that far, try the meal with the pulled chicken (but the veggies are still questionable) and without the "creamy" guacomole sauce.

Anyway, I've been lying on the couch not really able to concentrate on anything. I vacillated between being glad I finally got Counselor Mark to feel my woes of being single and black in America. But kinda regretted it later. Why did I need him to validate my experience so badly. Like, please feel my pain and understand it. Does he really care? Does anything change for him or me? Doubtful. I think I'm around so many Loud Lucys, I get confused with the need to be heard. My default has been just to stay silent vs hitting them over the head with my thoughts but every now and then, this happens.

Sometimes I want to think we are all connected and the things we say and do affect each other even though we like to pretend they don't. But other times I like to work under the narrative that there are no consequences. Who knows.

Then I got to thinking about budgets again. I really like how easy it is to just let my extra money go into my 401k then hang around in my savings account. So I was trying to figure out how to best budget for next year - where I have enough to fund my Summer in Seattle, but also have enough to extend my stay if I meet someone, while not letting too much hang out in savings.

I thought I was pretty set with allocations until the student loan deferral for 2023 announced.

The easy thing would be just to adjust my contributions to account for the extra $800/mon (student loan) + $500/mon (tithe), but somehow my brain can't compute.

I guess I'm not ready to let go of the cushion I just got attached to. I think because there's still an unfinished thought of staying 9 months in Seattle? I mean less so, but there was an old part of me that was waiting for some extra money to make staying in Seattle "full-time" a reality. So eventhough logically, my counselor and I decided that the summer bird idea offers me a lot of flexibility, I'm not entirely sold on the idea. I am turning 39 after all, and boy oh boy!

So yeah, I probably will end up making a few contingency plans financially because that's how I do. So while my savings goals are still in flux, the default of $36k remains unchanged. That is achievable if I live in Seattle for 9 months next year or not. It's just a matter of shuffling extra savings into 401k (which requires pre-planning) or dumping the extras in taxable account (no pre-planning) at the end of a defined period.

Also, I saw on Amtrak that they are discounting fares 20% off if you book 7 days in advance. I feel like when I first tested the pricing, this wasn't the case. That's why I felt I could book day of. But now I don't know. I thought about trying to see if I book for next Saturday at $62 and ride this Saturday, if they'll still let me board. In this moment, it just feels like what was supposed to be a cheap last minute trip is slowly stacking up.

I think I'm just tired of spending money!

My Personal Mission Statement

I've been trying to craft a mission and vision statement for my life. I'm sure I had one in between all my words, but I think I might add it to the home page as well.

I'm sure it's always been there just never fully realized. My circumstances haven't changed. And my perspective hasn't changed dramatically. I'm just reacquainting myself with life as it is as opposed to today being a training ground for a different tomorrow.

The few examples I saw on the internet where very inspirational and had do-gooder vibes. Bump that.

My Personal Mission Statement (as inspired by Dr. Pat's book 'Getting to I Do')

Current: To love myself in a self-centered way and to protect my physical, mental/emotional, and financial wellbeing.

Future: To be a feminine energy complement to my husband; to share self-centered love with my husband; to prioritize the relationship (over the individual); and to respect my husband's thoughts as he cherishes my feelings. All the while, I am deep-rooted in self-centered love for myself while I continue to safeguard my physical, mental/emotional, and financial wellbeing.

My counselor says you can use your anxiety to prep for the future, but after you've done all you can, the rest of the anxiety is wasted 100% on a problem that has less than a 100% chance of occurring. Yes, so even though the stats are grim for a single black woman in her 40s to end up in an interracial marriage, it's not 0%. (Think less than 10% of a 30% subset of the general population.) It's certainly not cause for hope, but it's no more cause for worry or extra anxiety. It's cause for sadness and despair, maybe.

Nothing's changed as far as my outlook on a long life, but it's a re-realization of what I'd always known to be true but wanted a reason to believe somehow it would be different for me. I was reading some article on Huffpost about a woman in her early 40s who finally gave up on love. I half-expected the I 'gave up...and then.' She shared all of the sentiments I have displayed on this very blog, and I thought wow... this happens to white people too! Wow, I have no reason to despair.

Then she shared two pictures in her post of her and her black friends who were in the same boat.

Tues, Dec 6, 2022, Four errands in 2 hours

So I woke up a little bit better than yesterday. Had more of a spring in my step. The morning wasn't as frigid. I think instead of 30s, it was in the low 50s with promise of a warmup. That helped. It must've.

I had plans based on this warm weather to accomplish some things. And I did!

Accomplishments

- Took items to shred to the dump ($5)

- Completed my remaining money order ($1k)

- Bought some fruit ($5)

- Got some donuts ($5)

- Got a breakfast sandwich ($3)

I feel good! My house is officially clean for next year. And I took a look in the scary closet, and it looks like the cleaning service really straightened up in there. So that is awesome! I rolled out the nested suitcases so that I'll be more inclined to take out the carryon for my trip.

Looks like my project got pushed out a little. This is good, sort of, but it's kind of just dragging on. But mostly good.

Had some reflections on my drive about town. Just realizing that this is retirement. This is a low cost retirement community. There is a hospital, a Walmart, some parks. That was the basics of a default retirement landscape.

The more I read about Single Moms by Choice, I feel a little less cheated. I reread someone's blog who also felt like they got sold a bag of goods. I can relate, sister! I can relate!

Just like not everyone will make 6 figs, or own a home, or not be out of prison, or have kids, or even have a happy marriage. Not everyone gets romantic love. Yes, even skinny white people. It sucks, but that's just life.

Even though I probably still will, I don't need to overturn every stone to look for this pre-destined life, or search and research to find "my way," or second guess or look to assign meaning to the circumstances of my life. Categorically this has made me feel unhappy, depressed, disappointed. Unhappy people make unhealthy choices. Or is it the other way around.

Life can be simple. Do that.

It's remarkable to me how manual building a home is. It looks like this complicated thing, which I'm sure the pre-work is. But it's manual. I see these men with ladders and hammers and nails. (In case you're wondering, I have front row seats to new construction being built a few feet from the end of my driveway).

I've been thinking of going somewhere during winter shutdown at work. Somewhere warmer. But nearby. Direct flights only. Maybe Aruba or Mexico. Somewhere easy.

Some more 2022 Reflections, Accomplishments, Goals

I keep thinking I've logged these things but that might just be middle of the night ruminations.

Loose goals for 2023

Physical: TBD

Financial: save $36k in 401k (more possible, but at least that)

Emotional: Therapy for a year; focus on self-care (includes things like therapy, and not worrying so much about spending, or "good" decision making, and choosing to outsource things like pest control and housecleaning...)

Accomplishments

It's probably better to do this monthly or quarterly as I only can remember the recent ones.

- House is clean!

- Realizing I can squeeze a few more dollars into 401k with a 50% contribution at the end of the year AND making the change!

- All my trips to Seattle

- Not dying until I was absolutely sure! It was touch and go for more than one part of the year

- Therapy

- My work projects

- Appreciating and taking advantage of my work flexibility

- Work trips

- Not making any enemies at work

- Not hating anyone new

- Joining local meetups

- Softball

- Continuous assessing and realigning of personal and financial priorities

- Working on figuring out what's next

I should craft a mission or objective statement in this family of one. What do I believe? What do we aim to do?

- Investing in my mental well being next year with the increased FSA

- Rearranging my office

- Listing things on Craigslist (eventhough they didn't sell)

- Some of the automated financial systems I have in place that really take some of the guesswork off my plate

That's all for now.

Not feeling particularly insightful. Just feeling kinda grey and moody. My mood feels like the way the sky looks. Overcast. Tomorrow I plan to finish my MoneyGram transfer, take the papers to the shredding location, and maybe get some fruit. I will get some Mexican takeout for lunch. I have been feeling hungry and realized I haven't had a BM since I had some GI distress over a week or so ago.

My spending has finally settled down. Boy this grey day is bringing me down. I'm glad I got rid of all the credit cards. I'm loosely hoping to spend no more than $500 in Maryland. That includes train tickets. I'm taking my emergency credit card. Not that this is an emergency, but I've already swept the extra cash from most of my accounts so there's no extra money sitting around. It'll be easier to just use the card since there's only a $500 limit on it and just pay it off when I get home. There's a few dollars that will be replenished on my allowance card for December so there's a chance I might go over the $500, but all will not be lost.

I just know I better put the train ticket on the credit card since $120 would probably wipe out my allowance card until the 15th. It'll just be a backup while I'm in Maryland and in between fill-ups on my allowance.

I'm kind of glad I decided to stay in today. I'm feeling so groggy, I undocked my laptop and brought it to the futon so I can recline a little. This futon is really uncomfortable, I really don't think I need to keep it. I will try to resell it, but may end up giving it away for free.

Mon, Dec 5, 2022, Low Mood Day 2

I thought it was Day 3, but my mood tracker says I was feeling good on Saturday, so who knows. I don't know if it's the cold starts to the morning or the cloudy day or what.

Haven't been feeling particularly upbeat.

I thought I'd cracked my sleep routine by going to sleep later, but the last couple nights, I've just been awake for 3 hours in bed.

I've always just thought it was because I don't do anything all day. But I slept really well for a week or so in November. But maybe that was my body catching up on sleep from my vacation.

Either way, I decided to go to Maryland this weekend. Last night I thought about going to Seattle for a month but my heart just wasn't in it. If I'm this down in this grey cloudy weather that's going to be in the 50s, being in Seattle isn't going to help boost my mood.

I need to do some laundry. I was going to try to stuff my clothes for the trip in this small backpack because I didn't want to go in the scary closet before and after the trip, but I decided to just suck it up. I'm still not planning on going in the bins to get out new clothes. That's just too much effort. And thinking.

Considering I'll be on a train and taking metro, it'll just be easier to have a suitcase that closes and I can stuff everything in versus the backpack and a tote bag.

I don't think I'll have the best time in Maryland because I haven't been around anyone for 3 weeks straight in a loooong time, but we'll see how it goes.

It will be fun to go to a work party.

In the wee hours of the morning I realized that 'prayer' I prayed about going to Seattle was just me probably deciding I didn't want to go. None of my 'prayers' really came true and all the 'signs' have been false (I'm looking at you Duke, and Dan and teaching and Stanford). So I really got to adapt to this mindset of looking at the evidence, likelihood, and what I actually want. And just be okay with making logical conclusions instead of falling back on the whimsical.

But when you've been force fed hope and destiny all your life, it's a tough cycle to break.

In this moment I am glad I came back because if this cold grey start to the day is bringing me down, imagine if I'd been in Seattle with cold dark rain. Thanks, Past Me, prayer or not, you did the best for our emotional well being. It just sucks that it doesn't line up with the man hunt.

Sun, Dec 4, 2022, Faith doesn't cure depression

It's the end of the year, so naturally a time of reflection. I had some life and money thoughts circling and found myself clicking through some old notes. Just looking for something, anything...a way out, a plan, a promise.

But it turns out as I reread old blog posts or old paper journal entries or electronic entries of reflections, none of my thoughts are new. I don't know exactly when they started, sometimes I think as far back as age 7, sometimes age 17, but now I have documentation I've felt this way for at least 10 years.

Notes from and old journal

Have I been depressed this whole time. I read some of Frugalwoods post about how she's been depressed for either 10 or 20 years and that was expressed in her clothing choices. But was only formally diagnosed after she was married and on her second kid. Weird right.

What I think is weird for me is until recently, this felt like the first time I had such strong thoughts. I think the 2 years of crying was my low. It turns out my posts on here having been the first time I've thought or planned to end my life. Surprise! I thought it was all a recent development. Even my thoughts on God and fate and destiny and life plans. Nope, these are all recurring thoughts and ruminations. I've basically been stuck in Groundhog Day hell. Every single year I just relive over and over and over for the last 10 years...maybe even 30.

I used to think it was circumstantial because I could point to specific events that made me feel bad - as a 7 year old, when I turned 17 and college didn't work out; teaching didn't work out; pharmacy school at 27, or rejection from a casual hookup at 38.

I think it feels more salient recently because...well it's happening as I document it and I also have never had this much free time.

Well I can tell you for the first time in maybe a decade, I am planning on living. Not just the default of not dying. But I actually am planning to live. (Which, to be sure, is not the same thing as wanting to live.)

But in these decade old notes which I'm pretty sure are the same thoughts I had at age 17, I still wonder about life and destiny and signs and giving up on looking for romantic love. I think the difference is what was once an educated guess has 10-20 years of evidence.

I don't know yet what to do with this information. I have no declarative statements in this moment. I have no grand plans or major life shifts. I am still planning 'My Perfect Year' but even that has lost its lustre a bit. Now that I know it's not the first time I've tried to do this. What's different is I'm not planning for bad outcomes. I'm trying to live next year without fear of being jinxed.

What's funny in my posts from 10 years ago, I was focusing on my planning out The Next 30, but now I only have 20 of those 30 years left! Wow, did ten years of my life just pass me by?

20Dec2022 Update - Recently found a journal entry from 2010 that said, 'I want to die.' Notably the logged entries in this same document from 2009 were hopeful and light and appropriate for a young woman in her 20s.

November 2022 Financial Check-In

Hey, friends! Remember these. Yeah, no images today.

If you read my post from earlier today, you know I went ahead and changed my 401k contributions to 50% for December 2022. And plan to keep it that way until March of 2023. My company doesn't let our deposits arrive to the brokerage for like a week so I wasn't sure how that would work with the actual calendar year limits, but I don't think when it gets to Broker should matter. It's just a little bit of an error in tracking because the broker's software just tracks when it actually posts to their company.

No worries, I at least know how to do the math.

Anyway, that's done. I went ahead and updated my expenses sheet for November instead of waiting for the end of the quarter.

So far, my net income is around $65k.

My expenses are about $40k until end of November. (target was $30k for the year.)

My savings so far is about $70k including mostly 401k, ibonds and FIRE Cash. I'm feeling pretty good about that. (Target savings was $57k)

Of my expenses, about $19k so far was on travel. I don't feel that bad. It's a lot of money especially for domestic travel, but I'm a summer bird now. That's what (pre-) early retirement looks like to me. I feel like some people would buy a property by now but there's no way I could afford property in Seattle! And property maintenance is not for me.

Not much else to say. I'm over $1k in therapy bills. I spent a bit in shopping for clothes for next year, which is wild. I probably should spend more time examining my line items but I think once you have the money and there's nothing too surprising, it's hard to do any deep reflection. I do think my expenses are a bit leaky but since I'm not trying to squeeze every dime, my brain is just not about it right now.

Toodles!

Sat, Dec 3, 2022, November 2022 Reflections

I've had so many plans of providing periodic life updates but alas, here we are.

My mood is for the most part still really good. What a weird year. Hit my highest net worth, and gross salary. But also my lowest emotional point - I bought a pistol permit and made a plan to end my life!

I still think money can buy happiness, though. That hasn't waivered.

I'm feeling good and I don't seem to capture those moments quite as well as the sad ones.

I think financially, I'm feeling really confident.

Emotionally - I'm fatigued. I'm tired of thinking. I'm tired of managing my emotions. I'm tired of planning for them. I'm tired of anticipating them. Despite all my regrets, I really just did the best I could. I think I just have to live with the fact that I'm just going to make weird choices when I'm emotionally charged because all I want to do is not feel that thing.