Wed check-in

 I woke up coughing last night with nose running. I don't think it's heartburn anymore. I'm worried that I'm going to develop allergies from this apartment. It makes me sad. I like the sunlight and the open windows. I am a bit skeezed out by the storage but I'm making it work.

Which makes me scared. Wasn't I just moving away from making it work. 

That's really my biggest headache (literally and figuratively) right now. But I decided to stop waiting for it to get better.

I'm still going to Cabo this weekend!

And I booked the retreat for the following weekend. So two weekends gone. I even took a day off since I had an extra day to use. 

And the travel agency sent a $480 off coupon for the trip I want to take in Dubai. I was trying to go with my cousins, but I'm not waiting for them because I don't trust they'll come through. I let them know but I'm going to go ahead and book.

It certainly helped my case that I've only spent $10k on travel this year, so I might have about 10k more to spend. Sort of. I don't actually know if I'll have that much leftover, but we shall see.

Anyway, I don't have to pay for the remainder of the trip until December so I can flex the $300 deposit. 

So I'm kind of pumped to do that.

But yeah the overall feel of the apartment is that it feels temporary. It wasn't the homey, comfy feel I was going for but I guess that's where we are. 

Life is the background. I'm putting fun in the foreground. 

Sunday a.m. check-in

 Woke up to try to get a Sunday p.m. therapy appointment. Not quite sure why I was dragging my feet. On this and similar things. I think I didn't want to need it. But it would've been nice. Oh well. She's not available until Tuesday a.m.

Looks like her Mondays aren't till evening as well. Still trying to figure out what I want. Wahhh.

I was hoping that the air purifier would give me confidence to stay and go on my vacation, but the smell magically got a lot worse yesterday. I could smell it outside the apartment when I came back from a night out. 

But as I was driving, I kind of resolved to stay. Pet smell never killed anyone right? So what if I swallow some dog hair. 

I was all geared up to just deal with it, but this morning is a different story. I keep trying to solve it. 

I guess we'll see if my mood changes tomorrow.

The big issue is planning my trip. 

Whoops! Just remembered I needed to cancel my trip. I was hoping to just rebook but apparently I'm too close to take off. So I am going to hold on to the credit for now to encourage me to actually take the trip instead of being like forget it. 

I was able to catch up on some sleep yesterday which was nice. Surprisingly, less train running on the weekends. The train rattle and horn feels like death, if death were a sound. 

I think I decided to go on the camp retreat as well. Might as well have fun. Do all the things, have all the fun. 

I requested the time off for next week for Cabo but didn't put any calendar reminders out since so close to the day. Gives me time to decide and save face. I do work in a team environment so that factor can't be ignored. 

And just like that I spaced out again.

Camels

My spirit animal for this season is a camel. I'm a camel in a sea of emotional support fish. I can do a lot with a little. I've been chasing and trying to keep up with fish, but I'm a camel. I'm lumpy and look weird; I'm hairy and I spit weird. But I'm a living thing that's just as deserving. I'm just me, I'm a camel. I'm just not a fish. I live and survive, and dare I say thrive in emotional desertland. And that doesn't make me x or y, I'm just a camel. 

That thought has been on my mind the last few days. Now it's out. 

Other things

Can we celebrate I left my toxic relationship! I'm onto new things. It's interesting how small the problem seems when you're away from it. Can you imagine how much time and thought and tears and planning and distress went into making the decision to leave and sell my house. Now it's like, why did I ever consider another option.

I think that's why I'm just so ready for this housing situation to be solved so I can take it off my plate. 

I'm hoping the new furniture will boost my spirits. And we'll plan to go to Cabo this weekend. Luckily I have until Wednesday to make up my mind. 

I might just wait until then to book the hotel. That will give me about 1-2 days to see. I'm going to try not to work on this "problem" until after furniture is delivered tomorrow. 

Ok, sorry, I'm not proofreading this. Ta Ta!

Feeling a bit better about apartment

 It's hard to know when to keep trying and when to give up. Especially after coming out of a TWELVE year toxic relationship.

Oh well. One of the things my therapist told me when I hold on to emotionally risky solutions is that it's a short term solution.

So I've been trying to be mindful that this is just a short term inconvenience. It doesn't have to be a harbinger of any thing. Even if everything aligns, it's not necessarily a harbinger of good outcomes. 

Anyway, my apartment was not the smooth transition I needed it to be because of the pet smell and the wonky furniture.

The furniture is getting replaced and I think the smell will slowly dissipate as more areas of pet dander are found.

It was a bit comforting if not disappointing that the restoration guy didn't see any hidden stains. So now I'm focusing my search on pet dander.

I bought an air filter for peace of mind. I'm all about the placebo effect. As my therapist says, does it matter?

I'm also glad I didn't run the ozone machine for 2 days. I tried it out for what was supposed to be 20 minutes but ended up being 2 hours. I was kicking myself because I thought it was too long but after it aired out the noxious smell all but dissipated. I still get tiny whiffs of it because my nose catches everything. 

Basically, I want to stay because it will make my life easier and I'm trying not to assign any future outcomes to this decision.

I hope I don't get sick, but who knows. Plus fall will be here soon and I'll rely less on the a/c and smells won't be circulating as bad. And I'll have my own smells. Plus we just had COVID so I have a variety of masks. 

I think I might just rebrand my Cabo trip as an end of summer trip for Labor Day weekend. I'm not needing as much downtime as I used to think. 

It's okay to be a bit busy. 

Plus it'll be nice to kick off end of summer/ Labor Day/ and start of work with a trip. Labor Day is when I first started my job in that Old Place. And now look where I am. So that at least has a bit more significance.

And the next weekend I'll be out of town for a retreat that I still need to book and pay for. 

It'll be a fun day to reconcile my budget at the end of September! Yikes.

So I'll sleep on it, and I typically don't like to make irreversible decisions on Sundays, but this isn't that irreversible.

I'll wait to change calendar placeholders to the workday though. 

I went to Pilates and I think I'll do the 4 classes a month x 3 months. I want to wait for the free 3 month health credit we get, but that's not for another month.

But as I type that and try it on, I like the way it feels. They doing the Pilates. I think I'd already decided on Tuesday since I have dance class on Thursdays, but we shall see. 

Ok, I start to lose interest sometimes with these posts. My mind wanders...

Ok, so yeah, I put in a couple work orders. I didn't think I'd have to say if you notice a pile of dust please clean it. Oh well.

I think I live here now. This is manageable, if not ideal. I think I'm going to like living downtown. I love the sun!

I have an event tonight but otherwise the rest of the day I have to myself. There will be many naps. 

Thursday a.m. check-in

 Oh what a day! I just took a shower and it dramatically improved my outlook.

There's nothing better than feeling clean on a sunny day. The sun is beaming into my apartment. And I don't care that I'm running up my electric bill having the air on the windows open.

That's the price of my sanity at the moment to air out this apartment. 

I finally took a shower on the 4th day because I woke up quite slick. Phew! And it's a nice powerful shower. So yay. Not all the holes work but the ones that do are powerful. So I'm not even going to dream about changing the shower head.

But because the flow is so strong, I will need to get a heavier shower curtain because the flimsy one I have was blowing all over the place. But this a problem money can easily solve! 

And I will have to use the swiffer I bought because the white tile floor shows all dirt. Which will at least be easy to wipe clean. I'm still open to getting a cleaner too though. I will have elements of the fancy life even if my apartment is off to a rocky start.

I went ahead and cancelled the hotel for Cabo just to give me more time to think. I kind of want the apartment issues to be sorted before I go on vacation so I can truly relax. But it was kind of an interesting situation when I was trying to figure out when I could go again because I have activities scheduled! Yay, me! 

I didn't go to Yoga yesterday because it was 100 degrees. Yikes.

Took a break for therapy. 

Made it!

 I live here now! Just like that.

Spent another morning running errands online.

The apartment smells like urine. I've sprayed the floors with bleach 3 times now. Today, I'm going out to get some other urine killer. Then I don't know. I guess just daily bleach spraying. I've been sitting around with a face covering.

I hope to have things moved in before my trip on Sunday. Oh well.

I miss my Landing apartments.

But happily, they already automatically refunded my prorated rent for the month. I didn't even have to follow-up. Once I do my cleaning and setting up, I think I will feel more comfortable.

Don't have much to do the rest of the afternoon. Have a 5p social event, and the cleaners are coming a third time but not for anything that makes that much difference to me. I really want this smell gone.

Then I'm going to use some scrubbing bubbles on the shower and take a shower. 

Then I'm just going to start unpacking.

I think once the cleaners come, I get a new mattress, do my own cleaning, I'll be good to go. I'll be able to unpack and put things where they belong.

I have a meal kit coming for next Thursday. And I'll just use papertowels to line anything that makes me feel icky. I miss my balcony already, I'd love to be able to breathe some clean air!!

Anyway, I'm here! I made it! And there was no crying.

My eyelid twitching stopped. Which is good.

I made my eye doctor appointment and am still deciding on when to schedule my boosters.

Friday p.m. check-in

 Sugar coma is threatening to put me to sleep. Grr, there were not nuts on sale. So this work week is over and when the next one starts, I'll be in Newtown.

I even had the nerve to stop by a tire place to get my tires checked and aired. He checked all 4 and I have him $5. He had the biggest smile. Yay.

I still feel weird tipping.

Had a couple of friendly reachouts this week that were unsatisfying but as my counselor says they're just short term solutions. Yay.

The rental company called and she told me she had the cleaners come back and reclean today. That's good I guess, but a bit concerning. Ew. 

Oh well. I just signed the lease, so I'm in it now. 

I probably should make a note of how much I need to pay. I hope I can keep sending a Bill Pay check. But now that there's management changes, I feel like something is going to get lost in the shuffle, but we shall see. 

So yeah tomorrow is just tidy up around here, maybe do a load of laundry, maybe shower, and I still need to book my roadside hotel. Hope to do that around 12n. Still gambling on the price. 

And then load up the car. Plan is to get up and get on the road. 

Still debating if I want to stay extra days for the work trip. 

Just dozed off  a bit with a little drool, so I should probably click Publish!

Feeling fine...still

 Woke up feeling fine. Peek of fall weather. Love it.

Woke up thinking what was I so afraid of. Think the meds are working. Thinking what's the worst that could happen - I end up alone in an apartment just in Newtown. I've had 8 years of practice. I'll be fine.

Have all the fun.

Woke up feeling excited about the move. Well, not excited but close to it. Less anxious.

There was another feeling, but that was an hour ago.

Gambled and lost on the hotel - the price went up more. Oh well! There's always tomorrow.

Wish I could find an easy place to get my tires checked.

Oh well. 

May not get to it.

Hope it works out.

Travel for work was approved for later this fall. Still can't believe it!

Will have to solve Bill.com once I get settled. No worries now. 

It's Friday, no complaints. 

Was thinking this might be why I don't plan to return to Maryland anytime soon - that's the place I went to recover when my life was falling apart; my cousin died; my aunt's ashes are scattered there. My brain doesn't register it as my happy place. I don't have any friends there either. Controversial as it may sound - I value financial independence over living close to extended family. Meh, that's just not a high value for me. 

But I've always been single at heart. 

That's all for now. 

Still smiling

 Some random irritations that usually cause a meltdown happened. And...I'm still smiling. I cannot believe only 2 more days until I get on the road again!

I am excited!

Nervous but not overwhelmed.

Because I do pretty much nothing anyway, just doing it in a different spot isn't all that scary. 

My rental furniture is set to deliver. And one of my Walmart orders already delivered today. Whoops! I saw that it was going to do that but didn't want to think about re-calculating the delivery time. Because I kind of want everything there on Monday when I arrive. So on Tuesday I can get right to work.

Yikes!

I was feeling really good also because I've been trying on Single By Choice and I really like the way it fits. Really. It's something I've always felt but had a bit of a detour when it didn't really seem like it was all my choice since I wasn't actively sending suitors away. But this feels like my choice since I'm not actively pursuing nor am I all that open to it.

I know the true crime shows are fringe members of society, but that certainly hasn't hurt to bolster my case. And just finally feeling like this next journey is MY choice. It initially felt like an escape, but now it's morphed into an adventure. 

It's cool that next week I already have 3 social events planned on my calendar. Just one week and I've already done more than I did the whole first half of the year living in my old house. And much of the other years as well. If you count the visit a couple weeks ago, I've really already accomplished my undefined goal.

I'm sure I'll keep going on about this.

While it's easy to 'at least' your life when compared to terrible outcomes, I can't help but feel really empowered that I'm not having to start over after an emotionally risky proposition of a marriage. Or a bad relationship. I'm glad that I'm at a place where this now feels like a happy choice. 

I'm glad I don't have to go Survivor to win a million dollars to feel like it's my only shot to secure my financial future. I'm glad the struggle is behind me. I'm glad I'm not starting over from the bottom! I'm glad the desperation is behind me. It has been extremely liberating even just living in Summer Housing. Being able to be on my own and not feel left behind or that I'm missing out or that I'm incomplete. That is probably the meds talking, but I'm fine with that. 

Health insurance is amazing. I think for the time being at least until the next refill and probably up to a year, I'll probably stick with my medication subscription plan eventhough I'm paying out of pocket and I have insurance that would cover most of the cost. It's just extremely convenient so far. And right now, that meets my needs.

Even though there's this great horizon after my next financial goal. I like the finiteness of this goal. I'd love to say I wasn't goal oriented and could truly blow in the wind. But that just wouldn't be true. I'm trying to upgrade my lifestyle. I want to stay busy and social and fun. (Note I took any sort of friendship goal out of this.) I just want to get out and do things I enjoy. Or don't enjoy. Just get out! I'm okay with keeping busy for the next 0-3 years. I told myself today, I'll have plenty of time to rest up and idle when I'm retired. Now it's the run-up! Have all the fun!

So the funny thing that distracted me from writing this post a few minutes earlier was that my work travel got approved! What a strange beast - corporate America. Oh well! I decided to try to use this as my October trip. My Maryland Aunty wanted some company on her Florida trip. Since I'll already be on that side of the country, if my work load is light enough, I'll extend my stay and get down to Florida. It'll essentially be a free trip since I already have a round trip ticket from work! Yay, I'm not that jazzed about going to an old people's conference, but I love a free trip! Plus I like some sort of payback for using my points to travel for work this summer, so there's that! 

Thurs check-in and 1 month on Lexapro

 I had no reason to be worried and I almost let it go, but you know... anxiety. Anyway, my furniture delivery is confirmed - twice. 

Yay!

Had another weird dream last night that involved me having an affair with a little person and her trying to beat me. But it happened in my childhood home. Weird, right?!

Done with meetings for the day, and the week really. 

And it's only 10a. Yay!

I have furniture confirmed. This is really happening folks!!

(Trying not to think about offhand comment I made during a psych safety mtg...oh well!)

I went to book hotel and the price went up. That's so annoying. And last night I was just giving myself a talk on how I am going to spend more money on convenience - no more back alley hair stylists. Another blogger highlighted this and it stuck with me given my recent predicament. So I'm hoping to find a hairstylist that does what I want vs the cheapest solutions. But it also has to be convenient, so we shall see!

I also booked my eye appointment. This one was a great marker of progress as well. I tried it on Tuesday and got frustrated after clicking around and calling 3 offices. 

Then last night I tried again and found a national chain that's less than 2 miles from my new house. Yay, convenience. I got stuck a bit choosing an appointment time because I hate the waiting for appointments on a relatively slow day, but just decided to go with next week a couple hours after counseling and maybe can use that gap to continue getting the house ready.

I finalized my Walmart order. By some miracle, they're delivering today, whoops! Oh well, I needed it off my mental plate. 

I went to book the hotel at Nearer Roadstop and it looks like the price went up $20! Drat! It's annoying but to get it off my mental plate, I might just wait a couple hours and book it as well.

I didn't realize the price would go up that much. So that's annoying. 

But I am excited to stop at a Hotel closer to Newtown. Funny how my roadtrip has changed without much emotional turmoil. I generally started with what I had in mind and then let updated conditions allow me to update my plans. 

I think Nearer Roadstop is a town I would ordinarily not visit so it'll be fun to stop there. #DoAllTheThings #HaveAllTheFun. 

And there's a McDonald's close by. And Panera. There commercials have been working. Sure, I'd love a Budget Duet meal. Why not.

So the week is almost up.

Today - finish up the leftover Chinese food. Note to self - Chinese food does not keep well. Definitely not a week.

Friday and Saturday - just planning to get some deli/counter meals from the Publix.

Sunday - road snacks of nuts and dry cereal; but still planning to stop at the halfway mark for gas/McDonald's. Same for Monday. 

Oh, also officially cancelling my Landing Standby membership for the day after I move out just in case. I don't want to be rushed to leave at 11a on Sunday. Just going to leave as I feel. Check-in time at the hotel is 3p so while I traditionally like getting on the road early to avoid cars, I might just mosey since I have nothing else to do and nowhere to be. Monday, might be a different story though. I'll probably be too excited to sleep. Eeeek!

Lexapro- got the reminder for my 1-month checkin. I've been focused on making it to Week 6. But at 1 month, I don't feel remarkably different. The last few days I have been grinning like Cheshire cat, so there's that. I definitely don't feel as good as I did on my best day on Lexapro. But I also don't feel the impending transition making me want to hang off the balcony rather than deal with it, so there's that. 

Weird eyelid twitching and coughing. Although I don't think I've coughed in 2 days, so there's also that. I'm fine to keep taking the meds. We'll see if something really good happens. 

Wed check-in

 Up early again because I go to bed at like 9p. I gave up on trying to stay up until midnight. I just lie here and pretend I'm sunbathing indoors. Ahhh, the good life.

These are the days I love my life. It's been over a week of solitude and I don't feel like ending my life. Progress, people! 

I'm just enjoying it. I'm adopting this new vision of my life as: Single by Choice. And it's a bit liberating. However I got here, I know a path forward. To be able to verbalize and hold it in my heart is empowering. Single by Choice. It didn't always fit, but it fits now.

Do all the things. Have all the fun! 

But old habits die hard, but new habits are fun too!

I have started making a Walmart list and an Amazon list of housewares I might need to get after the move. And the list seemed surprisingly short. I'm not even sure what food to buy, but it'll be fun to shop, I suppose. 

Eventhough there is a lot of busy work that goes into setting up house, I think I will still have tons of downtime to bake to death. Hahah. 

I decided to stop at a different town when I leave Sunday so instead of 4h/6h split, I'm closer to a 5h/5h split of driving. I have barely entertained the thought of trying to do it all in 1 day. No thanks! 

Even for a 5h drive, I plan on stopping at the halfway mark. Refueling mentally and physically. I have picked out some audiobooks. I've picked out a hotel. 

I was able to get accepted at a community college to get the student discount on some furniture. But they are tracking me by my email so that's unfortunate. I think the time for wishing I don't raise any red flags is gone. I cancelled one order and made a new one. So I'm hoping they get the memo. I plan to do some final tasks tomorrow. Then on Sunday...I'm on the road. 

In a way I'm glad I'm going to Cabo the week after. 

So that's the latest happs. This is really happening! 

My job is beach

 For whatever reason, late last night, I just decided to accept my life and reframe it. I've been looking for some good marketing to help me see my life differently and couldn't really find it.

Yes, I want the best possible outcome. But I have 40 years of data now. It's not happening. I have a great life. I get to do what I want everyday. In 3 years, there's a very high probability I'll be able to retire a millionaire. Sometimes it's overwhelming thinking of how to fill my time for the next 40 years, but then that feeling goes away and it's replaced by a new feeling. 

Sometimes, I'm going to make terrible choices. But I'm alive and I don't break the law. That's the basics. Having fun is and taking it easy are high on my priority list. 

There are 3 trips I've been unsure about. 2 are structured camping-ish trips. 1 is a trip with a family.

The first camping trip is in September and I was unsure about driving a few hours down the road and if I would really enjoy it. It's been awhile since I enjoyed being around large groups of people. Then I read some reviews and I think it might at the very least be...okay. I have to remind myself I'm free to go at anytime since I'll be driving. 

I just have to let go of all my rules sometimes, it's crippling. The discomfort is going to sneak in as long as humans roam the earth. 

So for now, I'm going to the September retreat. I vacillate between actively trying to make friends and passively being open to it. And so that'll have to be okay. I'm just a girl!

For the second trip, I think I'll go to that one as well. I want to be in the woods, and I'm not sure how to do it. 

Then yesterday, the algorithm led me to 'we're solo living.' It gave me some good verbiage to help describe my situation. One that stuck out was - I'm probably single because I enjoy being single. I knew this at 17 thinking I was the one born in the wrong time period or that I was wrong. And because people treat me like there's something wrong with me. And thus I needed to fix that something. At times, I feel like I need to live this extraordinary life to make up for being single. But how ludicrous is that. I'm not deficient. It's just a different lifestyle choice. 

I can live an ordinary single life. And now that I'm pre-retired, I spend a lot of time in the supine position. Mostly with my eyes closed. Just falling in and out of sleep. Not super great or super terrible. Just is. 

People stopped keeping score of my life long, long ago. And so those compartment windows are creaking shut. I have one more interaction this week with someone from my old life and that relationship will slowly fade into the ether. Sigh. And I'm not bothered. And there's an interview they're doing for me, which I was unsure about, but I'm happy to outsource that anxiety and result. So that works out well. 

I'm kind of ready for this next mile marker. One more week and I'm on the road again! 

P.S. - I love a cool breezy morning! 

Still a bit restless...

 Well, suddenly it's 5p. So that's a good thing. I got my hair done, overcharged per usual and not quite what I want.

I'd already kind of decided to take a break from braids so I'm not too bad. 

Really, friends, life is just better for me when I get the good things I want.

Oh well. Was having a bit of trouble getting over the nonsense with the hair stylist, but here we are.

I did some laundry because I was quite smelly.

A little bit excited about things to come.

Wish I would ...just.. lost my train of thought.

Oh, stop being nervous or angsty about things I have to wait for. Been thinking about this hair appointment all day yesterday and most of the morning.

This week should be another light week, at least until Thursday when the team meets again. So that's good. 

I was thinking of doing Pilates one or two of the days this week but with all this head of hair, I'm not really feeling it. 

I'm annoyed, and anxious, and scared. And I'd really rather not be.

Compartmentalization - Never and Always

 Yes, the vivid dreams continue friends. But I've had dreams like this in the past so I can't say for sure if it's the meds.

I think I just completed Week 3 or 4, and I don't feel much different. Some days I'm excited about my move, other days I want to hang off the balcony. So, there's that.

8 days until I move! Wowzers.

I'm getting kind of excited in the I just kind of want to get it over with already, kind of way. I made most of my appointment. Signed up for most of my activities. I still have an eye appointment to make and some old appointments to cancel. I guess I should make a primary care visit at some point huh? 

There's not much to do this upcoming week. But lots to do when I actually move - mostly, appointments, events, and change of addresses. I really have a case of why I need to consolidate accounts, but I already kind of decided to just wait until I reach my final financial target. That way things have a chance to rebound. I thought balances were on the rise but they've slumped back down, so that doesn't seem to be happening anytime soon. Good thing I didn't get too carried away.

I have a hair appointment tomorrow. I think I'm giving up braids for now. As much as it saves time after the fact, the sitting for hours to get the braids in, and the sitting for hours to get the braids out is just not my jam. I'm only getting braids now because I already bough the braiding hair. After that, I might just stick with blowouts, as un-humidity and water friendly as that might be. They're more wrist friendly.

This morning I woke up with a list of things I'll NEVER be/do:

- A child star

- Someone's mom

- Call someone mom

- Call someone dad

- Have a close relationship with a mom/dad or brother/sister

- Be a best friend/ have a best friend

- Be a CEO

Some things that will ALWAYS be true:

- Graduating from college 3 times

- Be a doctor (not an MD, to be sure)

- My aunt's favorite

- independent

- a free thinker..mostly

- nomadic - lived all over the US

- saved half a million dollars in 4 years (even if I lose it all, I still did it)

The list seemed a lot more interesting when it was occupying mental space. I spent way too many hours this morning trying to edit a PDF. Finally had to rely on a paint and snip. The basics! For the most part, I'm looking forward to my next live. My next adventure.

I've been trying to make plans past the next 12 months, but that just doesn't seem as fun. 

I hope I make it to all the recreation activities. I've booked and paid for 2 vacations. And there's two weekend getaways I'm still mulling over. 

Also, I think I'm starting to take my job hunt a bit more seriously. I do still feel some air of job insecurity because I'm not that great at my job. I feel this because I didn't do well on the writing test, so that knocked my confidence down a bit on my ability to be hired doing this job again. So now I feel some level of desperation even though financially I'll be okay. More than okay, to be sure. But we all know I struggle when things don't quite go my way. And I literally already went through the exercise earlier this year of what would happen should I lose my job.

Even with 2 parachutes, jumping out of a plan before you're ready is scary!

I wish I would stop fretting and just enjoy this time and this adventure, but that's hard won.

I'm hoping once I'm more active some of this anxious energy will dissipate. 

The coughing continues. I really don't know if it's allergies or heartburn at this point!

I can't believe next week is my last week in Summer Housing! Yowzers kids. This is really happening!

Today brought to you by - I like my life!

 Today is another episode brought to you by - I like my life!

I'm still sleeping on the couch. Oh boy, I love that cool morning and evening air. It's been stormy here in Southerntown. And it feels amazing. Is there anything better than being safe and cozy in your home during a storm.

Windows still open. It really feels like fall here, and I'm not sure why. Isn't August supposed to humid and muggy. Not today!

Good weather makes me very happy!

I ran some more errands to the tune of 90 minutes.

At this point, I'm just trying to game the system.

I used old name to try to get a discount. But to get another discount, I have to use new name. So I'm trying to find a workaround.

Actually it's not a discount, the second one. I'm renting furniture and to get a student/faculty discount I have some of my old IDs, I'm hoping to use. But in order to have the furniture insurance removed from the furniture rental plan ($18/mon), I have to provide proof or renter's insurance. Butttt, my apartment is in my new name and so is my renter's insurance!

Obviously the bigger discount is the student discount, but it sucks to pay for something twice! Grrr.  But I just tried to enroll in a community college, but I don't think I'll be fast enough. I guess actually, I have time because I can do it after the fact, so there's that.

So that's what's been taking the last 90 minutes. Wait no, I can't do it after the fact because the lease is in OLD Name. Double Grr. So yeah, not sure. I have until Thursday to cancel the lease, so we shall see how this works out. 

And BILL.com canceled my account for unknown reasons. Red flags!

Oh well, I can't be bothered!

What's making me happy today

 I just sat outside for some minutes, and it felt awesome. I love having a balcony and watching people. I like the cool summer breeze on a warm day. It just feels awesome.

I feel like I'm cheating. I'm outdoors without having to leave my apartment!

Gosh, I'm just going to try to soak this in. 

I have most of my task list done for my move to Newtown.

10 days folks! 

Whoa!

So I got Panda Express. I forgot how generic and bland it is. So I'm going to try to eat it 3 times so I feel like I didn't waste my money. I'm concerned about how well it will re-heat, but I think if I can use the oven it should be fine. 

I also got some toast for this gnawing feeling in my gut.

I talked to a work colleague that helped pass the time. 

I eat way too much sugar but oh well!

I think I should be okay with the rental furniture. I found another way to get a little bit more of a discount. If I can add them to my renter's insurance I can get the fee for their consumer protection plan taken off, which is great. But it's in 2 different names, so that might cause an issue. But I looked up the FAQs and parents can rent for students so I'm trying to simulate that scenario.

The movie I planned to watch just did not catch my attention.

I think I have enough food and sustenance to make it to Day 10. 

I've planned or looked into quite a few activities for the the Fall Semester. I almost feel overwhelmed, but when I look at the actual calendar it's still a lot of days and only a couple activities a week. And really my doctor's appointments are once a year, so it's not as though that's going to take up lots of time. Ideally, I'd want them all on the same day so I don't have to be poked and prodded multiple times, but that might not work out.

I also think I'm going to pause PT for now and see how my arm feels with ballet and another physical activity like Pilates/Yoga. 

I also found a hotel for my roadtrip and overall adjusting to the couple day delay in my roadtrip. 

10 days folks! Whoa!

Social Cues and other things...

 So yes I missed or rather bypassed a few social cues with this 11a interview that wasn't meant to be. For someone who responds at 9p at night within 5 minutes... wouldn't take over a day to respond to confirm an appointment.

And I followed up in case my email went to spam (ie, she lost my hut number). It sucks cuz I prepped a bunch and listened to my colleague and broke a bunch of rules. Oh well, luckily no on is keeping score. 

It's a nice cool day.

I ordered my cable so and even double checked with the rental furniture company for a delivery date. Nope, so my move has been moved by about 3 days because they don't delivery on Fridays. So I will plan to move in that Monday. That's the easiest thing I can think of to do.

Onwards!

Oh and I registered for an event in September and sent an email to inquire about camping in the woods. I'v been looking at state parks but don't have the tools to figure out what to do in the woods exactly. Plus the night in the cabin is like a hotel room. And um...no thanks! 

My $2200 Dirty Little Secret

 Yes, friends, I have a dirty little secret. I am renting furniture and after the 12 months,  I will have spent $2200. They put it right there hidden in the contract. Yowzers!

Talk about living the high life. I'm mostly paying for convenience. You order a package, they deliver, setup and pick it back up. I'm fine with that for now.

The plan was just to try out Newtown for 12 months and since I have no other plans and I'm so close to millionaire there's a high likelihood I'll probably just stay put. Except in 12 months, I won't have any furniture.

But I will have the flexibility to pick up and go, which is what I wanted. 

But yeah, considering I stayed in Death House aka Pandemic House for 3 years, there's a pretty good chance I'll stay in Newtown for another 3 years as well. Oh well.

I started off with 12 months, and I'll continue with 12 months. 

Right now I do dream of being able to fit everything in my car. But I guess ideal scenario is to find a furnished place. 

Toodles. 

Wed a.m. check-in

 Good morning, friends! I love the way it feels to get what I want. I just wish that feeling would last forever. I'm not sure why it fades so quickly.

I mean I love this apartment, and I'm glad I get to stay a little bit longer, but my brain is too busy playing SadFM Hits.

Anyway, in my fury of applications last night, I applied to a job I normally wouldn't - it was on Indeed and it had been posted for more than 20 days. But LAST NIGHT, the recruiter reached out and wants to chat on Thursday!

Talk about fast turnaround! I'm here for it! So now I'm on Cloud Nine!! Wheee!

I was trying to not bug Frenemy since she's soooooooo busy. But I wanted some tips on project management questions. Grrr. No response. 

So now I have to craft out a narrative from my web of lies. I guess I'll just use the old questions I had from my last round of interviews. That's all I can do.

But yes, the cycle begins... I feel awesome for being chosen...and when I don't get the job...THE WHOLE WORLD ENDS FOREVER.

Tuesday p.m. check-in

 I'm all over the place. It took me over 5 hours to get my list of tasks done. And that was just sitting at the computer. Can you imagine how long that would've taken before the internet!

Then I just spent at least an hour or two applying to jobs...for literally no reasons. To hide my shame, I didn't take any notes. Gosh! 

Not sure what's wrong with me!

My week cleared up so..you know idle hands.

I looked up some state parks but still not sure how to make myself go.

I did do alot today though!

I still have more to do and pay for.

I was ravenous all day and ate everything in the house. And finally at 6p went walking and got a pita sandwich. Should've just spent the $15 at the grocery store. Oh well, summer spends I guess. Still not going to get too worked up over this non-routine spending. My budget is good.

I'm actively trying not to cook these 2 weeks. Planning to get a Panda Express Party pack. Were it not for the heartburn still plaguing me, I would have easily gotten a Moe's Family pack yesterday to avoid this weird hunger. But honestly, if the hunger continues next week, I'm going to get the Moe's pack and be an American and just take heartburn meds. Grr, oh well. These are not typical times.

My debit card was aching today.

And I still have to pay the deposit on the power company's bill. So I still have that to do. And get rental furniture. I'm pretty sure I don't want to pay full price but not sure how to get the student discount.

Just a lot going on today.

I want to get some toast for what feels like a hole in my stomach. 

Oh, I was able to get an appointment on Talk Space. It was not the seamless experience I hoped for. It works a lot differently than Headway which was unfortunate. The lady I was matched with has Sunday appointments, so that was a big plus side. I hope she works out. But really, I hope my medication kicks in by then.

Why do I hate appointments so much. I need to get my hair done and even though I have a pretty light week, I wasn't willing to give up not one day to do it. I chose Sunday since that's a rough day anyway. But of course I had to make sure Monday was a light day, too.

I'm just waiting for my life to settle so I can have a proper check-in with myself. I don't think I can make not one more plan!! I'm all planned out...for now!

2 hours of errands

 Two hours of running errands for back-to-school, and I'm already tired!

I think I need a break.

That is all. More later!

Accomplishments:

- Registered for ballet class

- booked trip to Cairo, paid the rest of balance, and bought travel/cancellation insurance - tried not to look at price too hard; and requested time off

- bought lodging for Cabo trip...and cashed in almost all my Catalyze points; tried too hard not to look at redemption; wasn't able to use my expedia points and a gift card which was dumb...but if i remember, I can use for my roadtrip

ok, now that's really all!

The trouble with social cues

 So I've identified one of my spectrum-adjacent challenges - the new and ever changing social cues that accompany adulthood.

Also, I think my medicine works in the evening and early morning...maybe.

I think I'm going to try to take it later in the day tonight and see what happens. Ok, nope quick internet search says peak blood levels is 5 hours. How does that help? Certainly won't if I'm asleep. 

I never realized how much trains are still a part of the flow of commerce. The tracks by where I live now are very busy. All day and night. They're loud and heavy, but I don't mind. Yay, for double paned windows!

I guess fall is just around the corner because the sun is setting just a little bit sooner, and the mornings are just a bit cooler. I'm sitting outside now and I'm comfortable. I also have this beautiful balcony.

I feel like the people on House Hunters!

In case I haven't mentioned it, I love a balcony!

Today is a day of errands. At first my brain was telling me to sleep more, but then I got up and I'm almost excited to whizz through my list.

I feel very nervous. My days of summer are dwindling down. Sometimes in slow-mo, other times at rapid speed.

The rest of August is pretty much accounted for. Scary. 

Then September. Wow. 

I'm still obsessed with getting a second job. I am peeved that all these young kids are high earners at such a young age and I want to beat them. Yep, I said it. 

Sunday p.m. check-in

 Considering I've spent the night in 3 different cities in the last week, I've lost complete track of where I am!

I realized I didn't document the great time I had this weekend visiting Newtown. I was recounting it to Maryland Aunty and it made me smile.

I got to visit the city; was driven around. Met some new people. Suffice to say it was a great trip. I drank lots of soda.

This morning I did wake up teary. 

I suddenly wanted to apply to every job. It just really bugged me that I've been so unsuccessful with this job hunt. And of course brain conjured up everyone who seems to get jobs so easily. Grr! So I was hate-clicking through lots of job boards for a sizeable chunk of the morning. It was infuriating. But I couldn't get my computer out to apply anywhere.

I ended up moving to my new unit 1 story up.

On the phone with Maryland Aunty, I ended up going to MacDonald's. It was slow and unsatisfying as always but it also meant I didn't have to think about food for the rest of the day. 

My big plan to go to the grocery store today did not come to fruition. 

I dabbled a bit with getting a Hello Fresh kit, but the earliest arrival is Friday. I thought I'd ordered before for a Thursday arrival but I guess I was mistaken. 

Had I known my plans for staying an extra week, I could have gotten the kit to arrive today or tomorrow. Oh well! 

So I am now tasked with what to do with the next 2 weeks. I want to enjoy my summer a bit (as always before a new project) and also prep.

The big move kind of hit me this morning. Like whoa! This is kind of happening. I'm glad I'm on Standby so even if I wanted to stay and not do anything, the algorithm would move me at some point! Good past choice. 

Well I didn't watch any relationship shows on TLC this Sunday and that seemed to help alot. Not with the morning tears but my afternoon did go by pretty uneventfully.

My wishlist for the next week or 2:

- eat

- enjoy the balcony

-go to the pool?

- do as many of my PT exercises as I can

Charms of the soft life!

 I woke up admonishing myself for wanting to keep applying. I was feeling quite competitive that a colleague was getting interviews. Then I was remembering another colleague that literally has gotten every job I've applied for, seemingly with ease. It's almost comical.

So I was going to take a 1 month hiatus from applying. Eventhough I said I wasn't going to do it at all this year. But here we are.

Then it turned into just make Sept 1 to Aug 31, 2024 your hear of happiness. But I realized when I say 'don't do x or y or z,' I automatically want to do it. So I have to reframe it to emphasize the opposite.

So instead of don't apply, try... enjoy the freedom of 1 job and the flexibility it gives you. Enjoy your downtime and the fact that you can live comfortably on 1 job.

I just want this to be a good year without the pressure of making it the best year ever.

I just choose me and relinquish known stressors. 

Why choose hard when you an choose easy.

Things I want to emphasize/enjoy:

- Enjoy 1 job

- Enjoy the new adventure

- Enjoy self-reliance of solo-adventures

- Enjoy the stress-free path of leaving old memories in the memory book; investing in new relationships and the wonder that comes with it; forming new relationships; re-discovering interests; tilling new fields vs robbing old graves

- Rediscover yourself without the ghosts of the past to haunt you

- Developing new routines focused on where you are now and who is proactively investing in you

- Enjoy the freedom of a fresh start; leave old worries in the rearview (literally)

Yay!

 I guess it was dynamic pricing. I've been searching pretty much daily and the prices went back down! Yay. I will prob check again Tuesday just for a data point.

But I snagged my refundable roundtrip tickets to Cabo. I don't even second guess paying more for refundable. It's an easy yes. 

Friday check-in

 Wheee! I feel good. I just took a cool rinse off and I'm in bed at the hotel. I want to take a nap. I have some cran-grape juice that I paid $3 for and drank it. Yum. Money helps.

I saw the apartment I might rent and if we're going with the only objective of - not terrible. Mission accomplished. I can't say I love it, but I didn't hate it. It's downtown and I think I want to live downtown. It's hard to think and observe though when it's hot.

A very nice lady drove us around for 3 hours last night and I saw some other neighborhoods. Where she lives is very suburban and maybe in the future I would live there but for what I'm trying to do, I think downtown suits. If nothing else, my place is affordable. Hopefully when they clean it up, it'll be more refreshing and appealing. But yeah, without opening up all the cabinets etc, I think it'll be fine. The price is right. The location is fine. Check, check.

I already met a ton of people, I just hope I can see them again when I move. So it's nice for this to be actually happening. Wow, this is happening folks.

Grandpa is even adding a 3 month wellness benefit. I decided to prioritize massages as a splurge. Or just #lifestyleupgrades.

Overall, the weekend was a success. Nothing bad happened. I'm almost excited to go.

Work was fine. Got my task done. Didn't log in today at all. I'm pretty stoked about Cabo.

I've been peeping tickets and overnight they went up $200. I don't know if that's just surge pricing or if they're here to stay. 

But I didn't love it. 

My backup is flying Southwest. The $600 tix aren't refundable but at least I can get a travel credit. Which is good enough. 

But I'll still wait until Tuesday because why not at this point. I haven't even checked the hotel to see if those have shot up.

Is it back to school pricing. I mean I'm certainly making a lot of plans.

Anyway, that's the happs. I kind of want to sleep but I agreed to go walk in the hot sun with one of the other party people. 

Thurs a.m. check-in

 Well, friends, I have landed in Newtown! 

So far, so good. I passed a couple of spots that look trendy. Cool!

A lady talked to me at the Uber stand. 

The ride from the airport was < $20 which was also nice. Frugal foible - the hotel had free airport shuttle! Whoops. Oh well! (<< progress!)

This morning the burning thought was - um, I'm not needy. I've been kind of beating myself up for being so emotionally needy. Why can't I just get on by myself when forming these connections just isn't going my way.

Then I look around and um, I am quite normal. Other people just have full cups. That's why I look needy. Me calling myself emotionally needy is like calling a hungry person needy; or a poor person financially needy; or an unhoused person needy for a home. Yeah, those needs aren't being met. They are pretty basic and essential.

But my immediate community are getting their needs met by their families. Doy. Their hands aren't out because their needs are met.

I'm not sure why I haven't accepted the emotional support from Maryland Aunty, Florida Aunty, and my Seattle Mom. I guess it's like those duds I laugh at who would rather be alone than accept my affection. I just want someone to myself that I don't have to share. Really, it's not even about sharing. I just can't rely on these people to be there for me emotionally. Which isn't to say they aren't there - just not reliably. They have other priorities. And I know I will dive in all the way. And still be left with my hand out.

So yeah, I'm not actually needy. I just have an unmet need. There's a difference.

Back to the present.

Um, yeah some frugal foibles is a part of the transition I guess. There are just higher priorities than trying to squeeze a buck out. I did save $2 at Chik Fil A yesterday by opting out of a meal for a drink I didn't really want. Yay!

Yesterday, I did have a mild panic about finances but luckily money is countable. I was able to list my projected expenses for the next 5 months and list my net pay for the next 5 months and luckily those 2 numbers match with a $4k cushion.

I was also more confidently able to write out my vacation plans. And outside my incoming paychecks I have enough to cover vacation expenses. Yay! I do need to set aside money to pay off my medical bill though. And I think in the next financial year, I'm going to look into just keeping $5k in savings and no additional cash emergency fund. I have such a big cash stash for early retirement that I'm a little unsure how much additional cash I need floating around. It's probably not a big deal either way but still. Tighten up where you can.  Oh, and as I wanted I already forgot about my Housing Fund. So yeah, I don't need more cash sitting around. 

Onwards! Gosh, I got excited about a text alert, and it was just an update on my housing. Ha! 

But yeah, I slept relatively well last night. I got up with sweat soaked pjs and had to change my clothes. So a shower is in order today. I'm hungry and breakfast ends at 9a but I am not ready to go to downstairs. So hungry I shall stay. I'm hoping to relax till 9a and then finish up a work task before my next meeting at 10a.

Talk more later!

Wed, early morning check-in

 So what happened?

Well, I went to the airport to try to fly standby and there were no seats. So, I tried. I'm glad I did because there have been no work emergencies to attend to and I would have been kicking myself had I not tried.

It cost $40 and I almost took the bus, but I was like whatevs. Who cares!

Of course because I'm still me, the optimal situation was going to be to drive that way I don't have to pay Uber twice. But I'm really not trying to plan for all the contingencies, so my default these days is just plan for best possible outcome.

And if that fails, then the next convenient one. 

So I rode back. The ride was a Tesla so that was nice. Both cars were pretty nice. I've ridden in some clunkers!

I love not having to assign meaning to anything. This isn't God or Karma or Faith or any magic. I went to the airport. The flight was full. I came home. Facts.

I did realize on the way that I didn't have any dress shoes packed. But given the effort required to dig out some dress shoes, I'm going to stick with my dirty tenis. Oh well. I was really excited about the party though.

But I think I'll just eat the remaining snacks I have here.

Maybe I'll get some Chik Fil A at the airport if there's time.

Check-in was pretty mild this a.m. I'm hoping it's the same this evening, but hard to say. 

Also, I updated the clocks on my laptop and calendar. I am a bit concerned that Outlook will send the notification that the time was changed for calendar invites and that my email will be stamped central time, but it was kind of driving me bonkers keeping track of all the time. But that might be because I was trying to run a shenanigan this week.

We'll see if it presents an issue in terms of me slipping under the radar. But at the end of the day, I want to do what's best for me.

We're all out here for each other.

I'm not sure why I'm still waiting for this visit to confirm my plans, but I am.

I am excited for next week though. Eeek!

It'll feel more official one I touchdown in Newtown and look at my new apartment. 

This is happening people! 

Wed check-in

 With so many things in flux, I might have to resort to doing these daily check-ins. Prob twice a day.

How was your day?

- Learning some lessons from all my friends that are parents. I am going to lovingly parent myself. I'm a single parent. I am getting ready for back to school. I'm going to plan a Back to School Bash aka Cabo. Get some new sneakers. Get my hair done.

I will go on some fall trips. Take a family trip. Have a Christmas vacation. 

I'm going to sign up for some extracurricular activities. Yay!

I am digging the back to school theme.

I need to make all my appointments. 

I'm excited I have some leads for all the things I have to do.

So next Tuesday will be a busy day of appointments and errands.

Y'all! I booked my trip to Cairo last night. I had a moment of celebration and I just did it. It was under the target price and I thought why not. This Newtown trip is really happening. But really, the deposit was $300 and I don't have to pay the full thing for another 2 weeks. I thought that was a fair gamble. Ad honestly since June, the prices haven't changed much. 

I was going to wait for another sale, but this is good enough. 

And after sleeping on it, I think I'm going to go ahead and get the travel insurance and cancel anytime policy. I'm unclear what my credit card offers in terms of protection. Especially COVID. I should probably read that. 

But yeah, that's my big news.

And late last night for an extra boost I checked out Reddit comments on what people were reporting for how long it takes Lexapro to work on their anxiety. The general consensus was around 6 weeks. I really hope so! So I marked it on my calendar. It'll be right around the time of my move. So it just gave me more fodder to keep doing this back to school prep.

And I'm going to try to stop beating myself up for feeling all these negative feelings. That's like punishing myself for being short. I can't help it. I didn't do it to myself. My body did this.

I think ...I'm feeling more amped to just forget people and things. Birthdays, memories, this deep desire to help. Nah, those days are gone. I put everything I could into people and was sitting ready and waiting to help the last 40 years and bleh. 

I don't know how much longer I'll live but I am fine renewing my lease on life for at least another 6 months. (This is a far cry from my best day on Zoloft where I was like sure what's another 40 years. Oh well)

Anyway, that's my update.

I decided to try the standby flight because I want to make it to the party. I finished my work, and I want the reward.

Yeah, it'll be a little nerve wracking working that remotely, but oh well.

Also, I'm going to Cabo. I just decided why not.

And I was also able to make my next reservation yesterday. Which is nice.

And also... I already forgot! Oh well. 

Oh I know! There's an all staff meeting in Sept. And we've been requested to attend on site. Considering they wouldn't approve travel for a training without a fight. I have a hard time believing they'll approve travel for just a meeting.  

A little sprinkle

 Yeah, still grieving the misplaced hope in Last Boy. Admittedly, there are fleeting thoughts of just ending it. Gosh, I wish I had let the year pass by so I'd be over it. But would I be?

I uncovered all the stones.

I really hope this medication kicks in soon. I was very tempted to just burn my stomach off and get back on Zoloft again. Just for some relief. 

What I did today that's an accomplishment:

- Put in a full day's work on 2 documents

- Responded to Bruno

- Kept in touch with my Reg Lead

- Looked at photos and got excited about Cabo (it will be too hot, but I will also enjoy myself; I'm going darn it! It'll be my reward for getting through all of this.)

Looks like I'll be busy every Sunday in August. That's okay. Because I will really enjoy Labor Day.

I'm excited to sign up for dance class and stuff. 

Now that my document is all but done. I'm really thinking of trying to fly standby tomorrow if possible. I didn't want to be in the air while my document was going through a workflow, but I'm feeling frisky. 

And the Reg Lead already gave it her blessing, so I feel good about that.

I'm glad I worked on it at all. That feels amazing! 

I was able to update my reservation in the Rental App. And I decided not to drive to the 3rd Pit Stop on Sunday. It just felt like too much because I will just be coming back from Newtown on Saturday. Which means I'd pretty much need to be ready to go today. This building is nice and the next unit has a balcony. And I think there's a park nearby.

Which did make me wonder... do I choose a balcony over in-unit washer and dryer? Yikes! The price was just better. Hopefully there's outdoor space nearby. Oh well.

Since I know now that I'm not more powerful than my anxiety and it is best managed with medication, I feel both powerless but also like...oh well, I don't have to try so hard to manage it. This is bigger than me. 

But boy it sucks... all the negative feelings on replay:

- Last Boy

- The job I didn't get

- Life in general...

So yeah, I'm feeling more motivated to make it to this party tomorrow night. We'll see how I feel when I wake up. I'm all packed, so that's good.

Also, great solution in actually making sure the sliding door is latched. My gosh! This train is loud. I feel like it's running through my heart and throat. That's how grating the noise is. Thank goodness for whoever invented double plan windows and doors!

Also, I'm so glad I've been putting up with hoisting my rolling car in and out. It's made the move-in much smoother.

But yes friends, I've made another countdown. It's financial for now, but I know the backdrop is end-of-life. I wish the news were different. 

This medication is not working

 There was crying yesterday and a few sprinkles this morning. Oy. It's hard to fight through this when I could just be medicated.

I see now why people eat a bacon with a side of statin. That's why I love being American. Don't lose weight, just buy bigger clothes. Get a motorized scooter.

Who cares, in the end. 

I am feeling naturally overwhelmed and anxious because I have work due today and tomorrow and the rest of this week.

I wonder, now, if this desire for FIRE is just an outlet for my anxiety. As soon as work is due, I just start counting down the days. I got out of the last 2 positions that were causing me anxiety, but it's creeping back up in this role. 

If God was really looking out for me, then maybe this is the best role out of the 3 for my last job. Although, Call Center #2 wasn't too bad in terms of down time. 

I wonder how I would look at work differently if my anxiety were better managed. 

I wonder how I would experience life differently if my anxiety were better managed.

And what do I do knowing it might not get there? 

I might be glorifying those really good days on the meds, but they were really good days. 

Even now, I was looking at pics from Cabo from my colleague and started to get worried about the heat. What if it's too hot and I can't enjoy myself. 

In other news, I made the right call on not doing anything too suss on my expense report. My line manager is out on vacation and the report got tossed to his manager and she is looking at it quite closely. Grr.