Vacation Day 1

 So, I already know coming up with things to do was going to be a struggle, so I decided to start vacation Day 1 with a little structure.

I woke up around 8a and it was quite cool, so I immediately put on some mismatched socks and shoes and drove to the lake. I'd never been  and this felt as good a time as any.

I need more influences in my life!

That's just a side note.

Well I made it to the lake; it was a 10 min drive, per GPS. I easily found municipal parking by the bank. I got out of the car and crossed the street. And just walked around reading all the posted signs. There is a little swimming area and a place to launch boats and kayaks. 

Made me think to get a paddleboard. I would think they would have more rental companies like a pedal boat or rental kayaks. But the season just started, so who knows. 

What I'd hoped for was a walking trail around the lake. No dice. At least not that I saw. 

So I just walked around the patches of grass I had access to. It would be a nice place for a picnic and to read but I could also do that at my house. 

Oh, yesterday I ate outside in my little folding chair and sat outside for about 20 minutes.

Summer is so interesting for me. The heat is too uncomfortable for me to actually get out and do anything. But let's just focus on this day, shall we.

So, yes I did that. Came home and checked email and started writing this blog post.

This vacation I decided to try something different. Instead of trying to force myself to avoid my laptop and work emails, I just decided to check it periodically. 

Yesterday  I ran 2 reports and sent subsequent emails. I did. It was after 5p and I wanted to feel productive and help my boss. 

I do think I need a mental break from being on all the time, but cold turkey didn't seem like the best approach. I've just been getting jumbled up mentally - things I thought I did and didn't; clicking too fast and clicking on the wrong thing. Just overall some of my quality has declined with the sheer volume of entangled tasks to remember. 

I certainly have no desire to wash dishes, fold laundry or vacuum, so that's not even on the radar. 

What I am proud of:

- I defrosted and reheated 2 different meals that should last the majority of the week

- I made a gravy to go with one of the meals (something I've literally been avoiding for 5 months)

- 1 of the frozen meals I thought I had - I actually didn't and I didn't even cry about it. I just pivoted and decided to reheat another meal the next day. It was a little more labor because I had to defrost and portion and label and re-freeze the rest. But I did it!

- And I made a cake mix cake yesterday!

So on the food front, I should be good! I'm happy about that because arranged meals make vacation happier and I can clear out freezer. Double win! 

As you know I was playing around on MINT yesterday, so seeing my slight uptick in groceries with all this food here added a little motivation.

And overall, I'm just happy I was able to crank out the numbers from the comparison between me an my friend's 401k contributions. That was getting my panties in a bunch! So residual high about that. Math works! 

Here's how I spent most of my Saturday..

Remember I was thinking how did her low contributions end up with the same balance as mine. Her secret wasn't a phenomenal financial advisor, nope just an awesome employer match!

I was surprised how much difficulty my eyes seemed to have adjusting to sunlight when I sat outside yesterday. So today, I'm wearing some clear sunglasses indoors because I know I'll be watching TV all day and see if that does anything. 

Happy Memorial Day! I miss my aunt. I feel like everything I touch or know how to do it's because she was a part of it. I regret most of all that I didn't make her last years on earth more enjoyable. She cried out for help and I ignored it thinking it was the next person's job! I willingly let Satan win because I remember saying - God I can't do this, Satan is going to have to win this one. 

When I went to the lake today, I thought, she would've been content just to sit outside on this bench. It just took me so long to get here. 

Financial Update - April and May Spending and Some Life Notes

 I don't know what it is but the last 2 months I've been checking my balances more often than usual. Maybe I'm bored, anxious - who knows?

I identified early on that checking my income and expenses more often than every 3 months was not beneficial to my mental health as I often felt pulled to make a change - which ended in some sort of downspiral enough of the time. 

I think part of what motivated me the last 2 months were intermittent feelings and angst about my job, getting a new job, leaving this job. So, in summation - some perceived job instability. 

Anyway, as you may know, at the beginning of this year, I dipped a toe in the world of budgeting apps. Less so for keeping me on budget and more so for tracking purposes. I started to lose interest in manually updating my spreadsheets and wanted something more visual.  Plus all the cools kids were doing it. 

And then in the last couple of weeks a colleagues shared some of her numbers with me and it took me in a spiral because I thought her investment choices were outperforming mine! So it gave me cause for pause. Basically, her 401k after 4 years seemed to be doing better than mine after 4 years and she was contributing less. Her financial advisor was picking and rebalancing her allocations, so it made me wonder if my target date fund was letting me down.

There were a few misconceptions though.

- For whatever reason, I had it in my head that I left Call Center #1 with $100k balance in 401k - that turned out to be false. 

 I left it with $71k and so the fact that it was at $100k with no additional contribution was actually pretty awesome! 

- And my colleague was saying she'd only been contributing the minimum to get the match, and I felt like I'd been working hard to max out my 401k, so why did we have the same balance?  

In reality, her company match of 6% played a big part. So we had similar contributions for similar end of year balances - that part was key.  But I did have more of my hard earned cash in there vs hers was quite heavily padded with company match money.  And her general higher salary over all helped her get to the same place. 

So I was comparing her 6-10% contribution to my 20% contribution and wondering how we were getting the same returns.  That was an inaccurate comparison. The dollar amounts ended up being closer. 

It was eye opening to see what a higher salary and greater match can really do to the bottom line!  I mean you know it intuitively but to see the actual dollars was...as I said... eye-opening. 

- And at 12% contribution to her 401k, her financial advisor had her projected to $2.25 million in 25 years, and it felt like I was never going to get there. 

I still actually don't know how those projections were made, based on a lower starting balance. But I ran my numbers using the projection tool on Personal Capital, the Vanguard retirement income calculator, and my trusty friend the Compound Interest Calculator on investor.gov.

So I feel better about my numbers and potential projections.

I appreciate my friend for being open. It is one thing I've wanted on this personal finance journey - more open talks about money. Then I remembered, that's what blogging and reading other people's blogs offers me. Virtual insight into other people's financial plans. 

Anyway, after that chat with my colleague, I really considered signing up with her financial planner for a couple reasons. One - I was needing a little boost and just a financial check-in. Other than the internet, I haven't really had anyone asses my financial plans and offer any advice or optimization strategies. I really don't know what I'm doing most of the time. I just kind of click and hope for the best! 

Secondly - I was interested in his projections and rate of return. But that has dissipated significantly. I also generally just have questions of what happens next. Say I reach my goal, what then? 

So there is a desire to meet with a professional, but the urgency is not where it was Friday night! What a difference a day makes! 

Anyway, I really intended this to be short and sweet, but here we are.

Anyway, as I said in the beginning, I tried the apps. The first few months, it didn't really do much, but the more I log-in, the more useful I've found them.

I love the Snapshot.

Here's my spending for April 2021

 

Here's first 30 days of May 2021.

 

So for May

- Yes I paid State Taxes

- And I've been hitting the FL pre-packaged food aisle and hot bar a little hard the last couple months.

- Had to get my license plate renewed and car inspected.

- And I could easily just click the "Shopping" category and see what that $2.25 was.

- And then of course those pesky robo-advisor fees. 

That was easy!

And some good news

And I just crested my Flex FI number in assets this weekend!!!  It's amazing. So if I did 5% withdrawal, I could technically be okay for a looooooooooooong time. Then, this lady I'd been following-up with wants to move forward with the hiring process for a clinical Medical Writing job. It's early days, but it was the nicest boost after the triggering effects of pursuing an internal Med Info Mgr role. 

Anyway, being this close to my FI number is amazing. It's definitely shifted my focus a bit more on what exactly does life after FI look like? I've thought about it, obviously, but mostly been laser focused on saving all the money! 

I still click around to find volunteer organizations. 

I still think about reading and walking and personal health. 

Nothing has really changed but I am a tiny bit hopeful that I will eventually start making moves in the right direction of harvesting a life to "retire to." I don't know. No big moves, I'm not ready.

Right now, I'm still just trying to do one day a time. One task a a time. 

Getting Comfortable in the Silence

 So I did a couple things well yesterday, in terms of cutting the cord with this 24/7 job and achieving a better work-life balance.

Let's be honest though, the life part of that equation is pretty non-existent. But the "work" part of it isn't entirely significant in the grand scheme of things.

Anyway, what I did well:

- Didn't proactively attempt to work on the Escalation Spreadsheet (in my mind, my boss noticed; because she ended up having to call a meeting to distribute work)

- Didn't proactively work on the SOP (boss ended up delegating it to me)

Ok that seemed huge in my mind. I honestly don't know how I ended up working last night from ~8:30a to 1:25a? 

Everything required so much effort to prepare, and I think that's what's lost on my boss.

When I saw 2 of my buddy's subordinates had already listened to their 2 calls by 2p yesterday, I was floored. How is that even possible? I'd barely made a dent in my task list. 

I'm definitely doing something wrong.

I think I had 3 meetings, so that was part of it. Plus an impromptu troubleshooting session. So that was like 4 hours. 

And each report was like an hour of prep time. 

Then 45 minutes while we emotionally supported my boss in managing the vendor. I think she steps in a lot and it's a little confusing on what the next steps are. I'm seeing that with the vendor. They are unimpressed with her threats. She has given the same direction a few times now and they just don't heed it. 

As I've observed, she's very reactive. Unfortunately, the vendor is not. 

She has asked a couple times now about suggestions for managing them. Her Girl Friday hasn't said anything, and I certainly don't have any ideas. 

Understandably, she's probably getting a lot of pressure from her boss so she has to come back with something to say. Unfortunately, the vendor is just unresponsive. Which is not how our internal teams act- well some of the people anyway. 

So yes, I had to get comfortable in the silence of now our 3x/week meetings.

I will continue to get more comfortable with that because last night I wish I had gone on mute after 5p following up on other people's work. 

Slowly, but surely, I will get there.

1 year of fumbles, and maybe she's finally seeing the light? Doubt it.

Also, My Buddy's direct reports are asking what their roles and responsibilities are. So that helps me feel less bad for the dumb conversation I had last week.

I think The Dinosaur probably is asking for this more - because our team loves to live in limbo. And I think the White Man is asking for this some - because he's getting work dumped on him. Ha! He actually has to do work. I'd like to think him having to do Knowledge was the kicker. That would amuse me. 

Speaking of him working, there was something he was supposed to do, but didn't do - and lo and behold I found a bandaid because I don't want it coming back on me. 

Oh the other thing I did yesterday that I'm proud of is when I made my list of things to do - I marked some as Extras. There were about 4 things on there that I was like hmmm, not a huge priority as it's really outside my remit and wasn't really assigned to me. 

So yes, continuing to prioritize; get more comfortable not being proactive; keeping quiet; and giving 100-120% only. 

What does Flex FI do for me?

 So of course once I tried to set sights on just staying in this job and making it work, I had an instant case of buyer's remorse. 

As usual, I was clicking around job boards and FI blogs trying to find what I could find. 

I stumbled on some listicles about FI milestones and one that actually helped. I think it was FI 180?

Sometimes, I can just be very linear in my thinking. I honed in on 4% withdrawal rate and 25x expenses as my FI number. And for that journey, it still is.

However, this PF blogger described something called Flex FI. Basically as an intermediary goal to FI is a milestone of reaching 20x your expenses.  The blogger went on to say, with that ever touted Trinity Study, even at 20x your income and 5% withdrawal rate, you still have a ~80% chance of success. Good enough for me! 

Again, I don't need money forever. 

It doesn't soothe all my angst and hurt feelings, but it was just another layer of security. It provides an intermediate milestone before the big one. 

So in the back of my mind, I definitely hope to stay employed until FI ($500k) but that's a ways away yet. Flex FI ($400k) is much closer and can be something that seems attainable. 

So, if I can stay in the game just a little while longer, whatever happens at work will obviously be devastating, but I at least I have the option to Flex FI vs activating The Final Countdown. 

Ultimately, this number was a welcome mental boost to my journey. It just never even occurred to me because I never read the Trinity Study for myself. At least not that I can remember. 

This just helps me to soothe anxiety of life as a hectic Call Center Manager. I can lessen the pressure to find another job. I mean that would be ideal, but I don't have to worry about being laid off at work at the end of the year. It will be psychologically devastating, of course, but financially, I will have options - flexibility, if you will. And that is my ultimate money goal. 

So yeah the time horizon to Flex FI is potentially close enough that sticking it out as a Call Center Manager is an easier decision than putting myself through the psychologically labile process of interviewing. 

Until the next hit to my mental state, this is something in my toolbox to get through the next period of time. Day by day of course. 

If I can just get through this hurdle, that increases my chance of getting to FI. That is to say getting to FI without changing jobs.

My job doesn't change but its role in my life (i.e. impact to financial goals) and my approach and attitude towards it can shift.  The time horizon to Flex FI is more manageable than the years away from FI ($500k).

I think the other good thing about Flex FI ($400k) is that even if I reach true FI ($500k), I can feel a little less stressed about loosening the purse strings. I was a bit worried about being held to a $20k/yr budget but now I know I could go up to $25k/yr comfortably. That is breathing room I definitely wanted. 

I'm a Call Center Manager

 That's it. I'm a call center manager. It's not the job I dreamed for myself. It's not the job I spent 1.5 years applying for, but here we are. 

Once I accept it and get on board with my particular station in life, the easier life will be to navigate. 

I'm a call center manager. My teammates are not ones I would've chosen. I think my boss is a great person but I'm constantly stuck in a reactive state.

This week, despite my better judgment, because I already had it on my list of things to do, I asked her for her vision of what a manager should be able to do. I could tell she wasn't prepared for that conversation. Then I remembered I'd asked her about it before when I first started.

I regretted it. We had 9 minutes left in our monthly check-in, and it just wasn't a good time.

I'm not proactively asking about the salary email I sent. And I'm definitely not brining up any more "what's my job or expectations" conversations. I'm just going to wait for things to fall between the cracks and when she says it a couple times, I'll respond.

It works for everyone else on the team. I will probably feel bad, but I'll get over it.

Without even trying and despite my best efforts, I missed a lot of things (and so did everyone else) with this database migration and transition. It was just thing after thing after thing. I noticed when I ask other people to do stuff, it's half done and the dinosaur just treats everything like a negotiation. The other girl doesn't do it. And the white man does it or doesn't but only at the most basic level. 

And we're all hired and me and the other manager and other managers make the same.

Everyone works these crazy hours. Well the same people. 

I've said everything I wanted to say - pay me more, tell me what my job is. Now, I'm just going to enjoy the ride. It might last the next 6 months, but I hope it lasts for 2 more years until Bonus Day 2023. 

So I took a day off next week as comp time for the Saturday and Sunday I worked.

Right after I post this, I'm going to turn the computer off. 

And then I'm taking the week off for Memorial Day. I realized it's only 4 days (not 5), but I'm taking it as comp time. We'll see if my manager notices I didn't request to use my actual PTO.

Oh well. 

Another self-check I am working on is - am I trying to call someone out? Whether it's my manager, immediate co-workers, or larger team - we all make mistakes; and a lot of it ends up being something that affects other people's jobs. 

That's just the way the cookie crumbles. Why am I making myself the center of the world? Because I don't prefer to function in a reactive state.

It's been one year, I hope I can make it 2 more. But just one day at a time.

I will say, once I declined the Med Info Mgr interview, I didn't look back. No looking back. For that, I'm glad. 

I'm going to eat my popcorn and drink this bitter soda.

I'm going to sit back and watch the fire burn.... still eating my popcorn.

Plan is to stop proactively doing stuff; stop volunteering for work.

The Knowledge project has been moved to the White Man. My Buddy (her #1) hasn't run a report for 3 or 4 weeks now. I decided against picking up her slack. 

I'll have to keep you all updated on how the next week goes. Woosa!

More White Lies

 I can't believe I'm almost 40. I typically don't re-read anything I write on this blog. Once it's out of me it stays out. 

I don't remember if it was this blog or a recent life experience, but I remember thinking I know myself. Oh, I think it was when I was reflecting on how I ended up here. I'd stayed at Call Center #1 because when I thought about moving on, it was such a horrible feeling- having to interview, dealing with people. I'd carved out a passable life at the Call Center. 

With my pursuit of FIRE and all my classmates moving on, I started to want more. And eventually I ended up here - regretting my decisions.

Well I cried yesterday and this morning and can't wait to exudate this new pain. 

Basically, I've been trying to find another job within the company. I'm half-in, half-out. I don't want to do this job anymore because of the hours and the ridiculous unexplained expectations. I became very disgruntled very fast in this job. 

Anyway, let's not beat around the bush. I explored another Medical Information Manager job internally. They asked for a writing exercise - 75 mins to read and summarize an article. I knew it was a tight turnaround immediately. Somehow I thought they were going to send the article ahead of time or something. They didn't. It was in the middle of the day, I was running late. And by the time I pulled out all my materials, 30 minutes had passed. 

It did not go well and decided to let it go. It was why I hadn't officially applied. I didn't want that stain on my record. 

Then in pops a woman I'd met before encouraging me to apply. Turns out it was the Devil. I should have known. I actually don't get the same outcomes as anyone with the same input. And definitely not a Becky. Her name was actually Becky. 

After her prodding, I applied. 

Yesterday, a hiring manager met with me and was like "they" felt my sample was "light on the results." I'm a terrible interviewer and what I'd always hoped to carry me was my actual skill. If my skill isn't up to par, I definitely can't rely on my interview skills.

I definitely want to withdraw. Eventhough I spent most of Saturday reformatting my presentation - it was mostly just to pass the time. I picked new formats and colors in PPT. Nothing mentally taxing. 

For whatever reason, my brain is pretending we need to mull it over. Do I see it to the end? Is not doing this something I will regret? Unlikely. 

I just hate feeling like I don't have any other options. Oh well. It's like getting your final prognosis. It's not looking good, lady.

I've been cheekily saying this is the house I die in. This is my last job. Mostly to resign myself to negative outcomes. But this just affirms it. 

I'm literally about to be laid off any day. I came so close to ...not... happiness, but at least my pursuit of FIRE.

Well I have enough to start THE FINAL COUNTDOWN basically anytime, but to know this is not a drill feels like.. .The Green Mile.

I can't believe this is how my story ends. 

Finish Strong?

 As always, I'm still trying to carve a path for myself at this job. I have a good idea of what I'm missing, but I don't know if it's achievable. And if it's not, I don't know how to cope so that I can get off this emotional rollercoaster.

It took me 4 years to leave Call Center #1 because it turns out I do know myself really, really well. But I followed the advice of strangers on the internet - I started investing, I started tracking my expenses, and I believed that I could and SHOULD earn more. So I job-hopped. 

At Job #3, I'm royally confused and it's been a year of just being in this inflammatory reactive state. I know my body is going to just crash at some point, but I can't seem to find the way off this ride.

What is true:

- The job I was hired to do is ending at the end of this year

- I need to stay employed, preferably at this level of compensation (or higher) for at least 2 more years to reach my FIRE goal, all other things considered

Starting there, the default is just to stay and manage for the next 2 years. Well first get through this year, 2021. Then get to March 2022 to get the 2021 bonus. Then get through 2022, then stay till March 2023 to get the 2022 bonus.  That's my trajectory right now.

I am fairly confident, if I stay open and flexible, my boss will keep me around for the next 2 years. 

How to manage my relationship with my boss:

Some things I'd like to change - my open adoration and admiration for her; the need to get her in my corner; the need to rise to the top of some imaginary list; feeling that personal closeness; praising her

I want to be better at trusting her process and her leadership. Trusting her priorities. Waiting for her to decide next steps instead of feeling pressured to "best" someone. 

How to manage my relationship with my co-workers:

Some things I'd like to change - somehow I feel like I'm crossing over into tattletale territory; I perceive them as not being high achievers; they don't question anything; and just kind of go with the flow; they don't clean up messes; they go to meetings they don't have any business going to and don't contribute or that takes away from their time doing work; I feel like I'm left doing a lot of cleanup stuff proactively; in my mind I'm the ONLY ONE trying to take our team to the next level when I know that can't be true

Ultimately, I'm going to keep trying to keep my head down.  It hasn't worked for 11 months, but somehow I still have to keep trying. What choice do I have? I'm just running myself ragged. 

I think what's kind of got me in a funk is our monthly check-in tomorrow. Do I bring up the salary email? Part of me wants to so she can say no to my face and that will turn the relationship a little sour and maybe I'll be more inclined to work only 40 hours/week.

But then a day like yesterday happens and I imagine us running the call center together and it's the best darn program ever! And that makes me happy.

But then a day like today happens and I'm confused and feel a little powerless and lost in the shuffle and I want to leave. 

Since the lows are riskier to me than the highs are beneficial, I have to focus on minimizing the lows.  The Call Center takeover is such a long game and I'm not a patient person. So if I use my rational brain, minimizing the lows is the right next move for me and mental health. 

I do want to finish as strong as I can, but I think I did. It's not quite June, but I gave it 11 good months of my all. 

Feeling on the Outs and Alone... Again

 So in a little bit of rebellion, I attempted to award my co-workers a recognition award that came with like 5,000 points. My boss just said no, essentially. 

I feel like a kid again when I'm being reprimanded or told No.

It makes me hateful.

And I spiral.

I hate getting things wrong. 

Why can't I just follow the rules?

My VERY Big Thank You

Now that the busy part of the training is over - i.e. no more 18 hour days x 5 weeks - I literally don't know what to do with myself.

I had a whole Sunday to myself.

Obviously I spent an hour or two making a checklist of work items. And it was only after 9a. Then I took a shower (first one this year!). Then I went to get my hair washed. Woot!

It was barely 12 o'clock after these big feats, so I made a pit stop at a Thai place I saw on the way to the beauty salon. 

In 90 minutes, I spent a little over $80. And I didn't even blink. 

I think lately, I've been having this fear of churning all this time for money that the stock market is going to crash and I never got a chance to really spend my money.

My last 5 weeks of headdown-edness, I was pretty free with spending on convenience foods. I didn't really want the Thai food as I also want to get my freezer cleaned out for my next round of stock up, but here we are. 

I realized what happens when I have too much free time. I start yearning for human connection. 

I sent out a few group emails wishing people a Happy Mother's Day. Including one current co-worker and my boss. 

Too many feels. 

I baked some rolls. I keep forgetting how to bake them. I have to remember with yeast rolls to bake them hard. I don't like when they can squish back into dough. It's so hard to digest!

I should just stick to 30 minutes. 

The little moths are still here. I've killed dozens and the rest just die on their own. I can't figure out how they are getting in. 

I can't believe I finished the training. It's so funny because when it was happening I had such big feelings about my boss and this job. Now that the hard part is over, I don't feel as convicted. Feelings are so tricky that way. 

I just need a trajectory with this job. It can't just be making it to FIRE. Or can it? For my own mental stability, I need some focus and structure. Every new task or project or interaction, I have to make a decision on how to approach it. That's a lot of mental acrobatics and that's just approaching the task. 

I was less disappointed after the HUGE task of delivering this training because this time I knew to expect nothing more than a BIG thank you. Ha. 

I didn't feel like doing any personal finance tasks today. 

What's my plan here?  Just keep rolling with it until FIRE? Just keep my head down? Give the 120%? Give my all?

Do I have any goals? 

I did finally decide to let go and let my manager lead her team as she see fits. I found myself wanting to out my teammates but I realized a) that's not my job and b) I was assuming my manager couldn't discover this for herself. If she is as wonderful, and smart, and admirable and astute as I make her out to be in my head then I wasn't giving her enough credit.  If our team truly is underperforming, then she would see that for herself. 

Which means as I feared that I'm not really overperforming. I'm putting in a lot of effort and hours and it's not that impactful. I'm actually churning for my own benefit. That is just becoming clearer and clearer everyday. 

My manager knows her team best. The things I do that require a lot of effort are just the wrong things. They are things that earn Thank Yous not income, promotions, or raises. 

So it takes me back to - what is my end goal here?

If I'm just a cog in the wheel, then why am I churning so hard?  Honestly I think it's because I have nothing else to do. Also, I like being better than other people. There's just a really competitive part of me that gets stirred up sometimes.

I find someone or something as a target and I try to surpass it. Where there is misalignment is that what matters to me is not what actually matters to a large corporation like my company.

Fast turnaround time, doing things well, making improvements. Those things haven't generated any income for our team. 

Even the knowledge articles I've been diligently working my way through, my manager pretty much was like... they've been in a bad way for awhile, so what difference does it make. 

What my teammates do better is not responding to every command. Maybe they've already paid their dues. It's like when I was a waitress.  The old staff gave me a table that didn't tip. They warned me, but I was determined to make a difference. Nope, no tip. 

I guess I just don't know yet what the no tip table is. I'm just on this hamster wheel hoping one of my 100 units of effort hits a target. That is ineffective. 

What is making me cry today?

 The last week or so, I find myself lightly crying for different things. Sometimes it's the grief. When I hear a sweet maternal story. 

When I'm frustrated. When I'm sad. When I'm overwhelmed.

Tears are falling now and it's a combination of feelings. 

I think in this particular moment, it's knowing all the blood, sweat, and tears I've put into the last 5 weeks won't matter. I know in a few more tomorrows it'll be as though it didn't even happen.

What triggered this?

My boss asking me if I was out and about today? I'm like what?! You think that's it. I just deliver the training and it's a free day. That just rang loudly for me because I already suspected she thought the effort for this training was just plucking the slides from the shared folder and reviewing them live. W-O-W.

I remember crying and feeling that vomitous sinking feeling two weekends ago when I thought I wouldn't finish but I literally could not come up with another practice scenario or new thought. And I just had to keep trying. I would rest every few minutes because I couldn't focus and that would just make the sinking feeling even worse. 

I'm sure I'll get a BIG THANK YOU, and then it's just on to the next thing. 

I don't want to say it's bonus day all over again, but it kind of is. 

Now that the old dinosaur is back on our team I need to be better about just flying under the radar.

I had a couple of small wins my first year here. I mean they were big wins to me but it's just so easily minimized because there's always the next big thing. 

I wish I had kept my professional standard in emails because now I'm hearing gossip about another director's emails. Mine aren't casual, but I've definitely let a few go out with typos and didn't double check.

I already knew when I do what others do I get different outcomes. 

I don't know why I keep trying. You can clearly get away with doing less in this job, but somehow I don't (do less). 

I think having tried to casually reach out to Call Center #1 and #2 and no one was really trying to snap me back hurts a little. And then my latest run in with MI. I had a timed writing test and I literally could only form 4 sentences. So that's out. I am proud of myself for not filling out the application. It'll be easier to re-write history later. Of course part of me is still holding out hope that they'll reach out. But that just prolongs the rejection.

Everytime I hear my boss say "[my buddy] and I"... meaning her and her and right hand girl, I just get so mad. Honestly what is her contribution? 

Then I shared some slides with a co-worker. Asked him not to distribute and he shared with my boss and his old boss and I got some unwarranted feedback. That made me feel bad. 

I'm just ready to do something else. 

It's hard to look forward to FIRE because everyone is saying the market is due for a crash soon. Literally all my eggs are in that basket.  Basically this is the year though. I gave this one to corona.

I'm living on a fraction of my salary. And I hope to reach my financial goals, but I think to help ease the pain of what the future stock market might bring, I'll ease up the miserly savings in 2022. To something pre-COVID levels. I'll actually have to buy stuff anyway, but I really wanted to take advantage of COVID. So there's that.

I am glad I kept my cushion eventhough "all the things" advise against keeping that much cash. But a) that was never going to be my life. I don't have a lot of other resources to fall back on at this point. And work always feels like my last day. 

Anyway, moan, moan, groan, groan. 

I think  just need to hang on and see this year through and whatever happens happens on the job front.

I heard a story once about the soldiers who essentially died from heartbreak because they kept praying for the war to be over by Thanskgiving, then Christmas, then..the next thing. That's me - I keep thinking this next job or job opportunity will take me out of my misery. 

If I just keep churning, eventually I'll find my way out of this job. And then I get disappointed because I can taste the freedom. And then after the MI debacle of yesterday, I realize I'm still stuck. 

And that makes me sad. 

I tried to leave. I tried to speak up. I tried to stay silent.

Of the three, I can try harder with staying silent. Trying to leave hurt. Speaking up just hurts and it's a lot of pain with minimal gain and lot of hurt.

Staying silent is the best of the three. Just got to hold it in until the next day. 

Someone has already taken the glory. Literally, I did all this work and My Buddy is still the right hand man.

Why do I need this woman to prize me so badly? I don't think that's the right word - but what'd I tell you - I can't make any more thoughts.