Some things that happened this week

 It's Saturday morning!

And I am extremely stinky. I need to shower. I stopped shaving my underarms a couple years ago, and let me tell you those hair follicles really do their job to spread your scent. Too bad it's not mating season! 

Anywhoozle, this week.

So yesterday, I had a mostly normal 1:1 with my manager. Phew! I didn't cry; I didn't yell. And I think there was an understanding even if I didn't say it in so many words. I didn't overshare but I did manage to get out some of things I'd wanted to share with her surrounding my grief. Namely, I mentioned the loss again. How it's hard and surprising. It helped that she lost her mom 2 years ago so I had a nice segue. I mentioned how distressing (not sure that's the word I used)...concerned I was when my time with my manager was threatened - like when she went on vacation.  I'd like to think she understood what I was trying to share without me having to apologize again or bring up past moments.  I touched briefly on past managers. 

While I didn't type out what I was going to say, I think I did well getting out the basic bones of the things I wanted to say. I think typing it out would have made it forced, although complete, and I would have felt worse if I didn't get  chance to say it. 

What I got out of the meetings was just a refocus on business problems and stop paying attention so much to relationships with other colleagues. I found myself getting frustrated this week with perceived slights from other co-workers. 

She shared how 3 of her coworkers were her family and really got her through the passing of her mom. Unfortunately for me, one of those is people is my co-worker and her direct report. For me, that's an unbreakable bond that I can't penetrate. So I'll always be on the outside looking in; that relationship will be prioritized over anything we might share. And each of them have their own families so I'm like 88th on her list. Sad. 

I just wanted someone for myself. I guess those days truly are gone. It's going to have to be okay. 

I'd never craved being in a relationship until these moments as of late. I just want someone to look after me. 

But I know that won't happen even if I found someone - I'd be the default caretaker by virtue of being born female. Womp, womp. 

So remember, last week I prayed about finding a message in my inbox of someone just for me. Well, I had a pretty successful game night with my cousins virtually. And one of my other aunts that lived overseas sent me an email. And my mother forwarded me some chain emails.  So there's that.  But I already know those people, and I know they have other priorities before their relationship with me. 

The last time I made a fast friend was my roommate from undergrad (in 2004). I think before that - just the purity of early childhood where everyone you met was a friend. And the most recent was my manager, but my charms just aren't enough. She's vocalized who her close relationships are and I've seen for myself that the connection was one-sided, the feeling is unrequited. It's going to have to be okay. 

Again, I can only think if this is how my aunt felt in the days, or months, or years before her death, I am deeply regretful. It pains me to know I could have brought joy and affirmation to someone else, but I didn't. Ouch, it hurts. It really, really hurts.

No matter, even if I'm just a passing ship to my manager, I choose to be glad that for however long, the connection I felt helped distract me from my grief. In those moments, I was not this sad little girl stuck in this cloudy, sticky, prickly, suffocating grief. 

On to other things, I think I'm backing up a little from calling the three people that answered - Other Aunt, Professional School Roommate, and Cousin. I need to learn to just go back to my single, sad life. This yearning for more just keeps getting me in trouble. I'm not in the mood to take anymore emotional risks. For now, I'll leave channels for communication open, but I don't see that lasting forever.

Oh, the other thing that came up this week - going back to work! My office site is apparently encouraging people to go back to the office. Womp, womp. My manager plans to be onsite one day a week. She said to think about it and let her know what I want to do. Ugh, I already know what I want to do - not move there. I don't plan on bringing it up. Especially if no one is going in 5 days a week, I think I should be okay. 

My thought right now is - I don't enjoy this job enough to move. I'm done with all these false starts and new starts and hope. Not only do I not enjoy it enough, I think having to interact with any of the people I've met so far on a regular basis would be a detriment to the experience and would probably accelerate my dissatisfaction. 

So I guess if we're looking on the brightside - I'm 100% happy I didn't move for this job!

I guess I'm not sure how that conversation would go. If I say, I'd be just as effective working remotely, and she says no. What's the middle ground? 

I’m not waving, I’m drowning.

 I’m not waving, I’m drowning.

My last post didn’t save – stupid internet.

It mostly talked about how reconnecting with a few people over the last 2 week was successful in distracting me from my grief. It was not successful in feeling the range of feelings I so desperately desired to feel. I went through the motions but couldn’t quite get there. Mostly, if I’m not guaranteed to feel better, and often feel worse in the long run- why continue?  I’m leaving the door open, though. We shall see – that probably won’t last long.  I give it two weeks, she said cheekily.

Then I talked about some generic advice I heard from Deepak Chopra on OWN. He told a grieving woman that grief is usually 1-1.5 years. After 6 years, she probably lacked meaning and purpose in her life. Duh.

Then I mentioned addiction and tried to coin the phrase negative-addiction to avoid saying the other word. I just refuse to believe this is that. The point I was trying to make is- many addicts’ story start with I tried dope, and it was the best feeling I ever had. It was everything I thought life would be. Wow, right.

On the other side of the spectrum is what I feel- where every slight or hurt is the worst feeling I’ve ever had. This is nothing like I thought life would be.

I went on to say that often times, I believe, when people hear that someone chose to end their life, there is a belief that this was some sort of impulse decision.  People wonder what might have happened in the moment right before this.

I’m here to tell you that the answer, for I would venture to say most people, is nothing. The decision to end your life is likely a seemingly lifelong series of moments right before that.

I feel stuck in my grief

 I feel stuck. I'm saying I'm stuck in my grief but it might be something else. Until I find out what that something else is, I'm calling it grief.

I keep trying to recreate old feelings - excitement, joy, humor. I'm going through the motions, but I don't feel the same effect. I don't get the same result. 

It's dampened or not at all. 

But I think I felt new, real feelings when I was first getting to know my manager. Too bad I messed that up, and when I think about it too much, she's not that great. No, she's pretty great. I'm just not that special to her. I'm one of many. 

Calling up the old people I used to know is as unhelpful as I imagined it would be. I feel even more stuck in the grief with added on anger and unspoken feelings. They are a distraction from the tears and that was the original purpose, but I either feel just as stuck or a little worse. 

I don't have any meetings to prepare for tomorrow. Maybe I'll try to learn VBA to pass the time. 

I don't want to make any more mistakes

 Ugh. 

I'd actually had 2 not-bad days in a row.  I went to work, did my work, and didn't say anything I shouldn't have said. Not bad.

Then today happened. Apparently I told our vendor one of the programs they support was ending and I wasn't supposed to. 

So much for being a model employee. I'm tired of not being great at this job. I know I'm not bad at it, but I really wanted to knock it out of the park.

I haven't cried yet, but my eyes keep smarting. I  WANT TO GET IT RIGHT ALL OF THE TIME. When do I get to have the Midas touch. I want everything I touch to turn to gold. 

I don't even know if I can feel any worse. 

Why do I even hope for anything more than this feeling. 

I have 2 uneventful days, and suddenly I think everything will be good again.

Stupid, stupid woman I am.

I need to find the EAP number. 

I don't want to have to call them. I know if I call them it's going to turn into a crying session. My ears are tearing up again just thinking about it. 

I want to be done with this life already. 

And I'm Alone Again

 It was a four day week after the holiday.

On Tuesday, I got a meeting invite from my manager. Because it was mid-week and a little out of the blue, I thought she as going to mention Friday. 

So, I reached out to a cousin I hadn't spoken to in 5 years. She's a professional adult woman who for the most part always does the right thing. She gave me some tips on how to approach the conversation and maybe how to to interact with my manager moving forward. 

Luckily, my manager didn't ask about Friday in particular, but I still sense she wanted to. After the initial greetings, she just asked me to help her craft an email. 

This week I also met with a lady doing a job I thought I might like doing. It wasn't that helpful, but I have to pretend it is. 

I think since I decided and vocalized that I don't see myself doing this job long-term, the parts I don't like seem to be quite salient. 

At this point I feel like I'm just treading water until my next inflection point. 

I am learning a little how to respond to passive requests in a non-committal way. 

Thursday, I signed up with the EAP program at work. I spoke to a counselor today which of course was 30 minutes of tears. I don't know what the objective of counseling is so it's difficult to know what the structure or the expected outcome is. But I get 10 sessions. Maybe I'll schedule them on Friday afternoons - the day when the alone-ness sets in. 

So about 40 minutes ago, I felt sad again. I just want someone to myself. Someone just for me.  I don't even know if my aunt was that, but at least she wasn't not-that, if that makes any sense. 

So at the end of counseling, they ask you, 

Do you feel like hurting yourself or others? 

I say: No

I think: As a matter of fact....

I have a death plan all mapped out, but that wouldn't lead to any real action since it's not an immediate threat. 

So I've conjured up the dead, called people I don't like; reached out to family members I don't care that much about - but I know they would like hearing from me; and called EAP. 

I get 10 sessions. So if I use those to replace my weekly Friday sessions with my manager, that should get me through just about the end of the year. Which should be about 6 months since starting new job. 

I think next year, I might try to go to Turkey. We have a family friend that moved there. On TV, a family was talking about planning a siblings trip. Maybe I'll plan a cousins trip. That could be fun. NC State Fair had been my default family reunion destination for awhile. 

We'll see what 2021 holds. 

Oh, I am also signed up to play a virtual game in a few minutes with one of the dead personal colleagues I conjured up. 

There's No Crying in Baseball

 I don't remember how the saying goes, but Operation Stop Crying was underway this weekend. If the objective was not to cry, then I accomplished it. I didn't cry Saturday, Sunday, or Monday.

I accomplished this namely by distracting myself. Everything reminds me of my aunt - tv shows, commercials, my belongings, just about any memory, and new things like my manager. 

I distracted myself a couple ways - looking up at the sky to hold the tears back; eating Twizzlers; eating in general; going to Walmart. Every time I started to cry, I would chant - no more crying, then get up and do one of the aforementioned. It was a rough weekend. The other thing that worked was calling up people ( I really didn't want to talk to). 

I called one of my other aunts; a personal colleague from professional school; and an old friend from college. 

I should be glad that these three individuals willingly took my call and distracted me, but in the aftermath I was left with new hurt feelings. I need to tighten the guard rails on these conversations moving forward - well they were already tightened, i.e. I wasn't calling them. Ugh. 

One thing one of them mentioned was that you can create new relationships with friends or other family when your loved one dies. It seemed easy enough, but when I woke up this morning, I realized I already tried that and it didn't work. So that made me kind of mad. She also suggested therapy. I've tried that for another issue and it didn't work. When I need help with something, I don't want to try a bunch of different things. I want a solution that will work the first time. So yes, folks, that's why I iced out people I used to know and haven't gone to grief counseling. There's no guarantee any of that stuff will work, and I'm not trying to be in a worse position than I was. 

My Other Aunt - she constantly talks over me. I tried not to let it stop me, but it got to the point where she said, "can you stop talking so I can talk." I'm thinking, ditto!!! Most of the time there's overlap because she cuts me off when I'm talking, and a lot of the time I decided to finish my thought anyway. The only time she stops talking is if she's distracted doing something else, and so she's not paying attention to me. If I do call her, I really need to just use her as a distraction and not try to seek advice or offer any meaningful contribution that I think needs to be heard. 

Same with Professional School Friend. I just need to let her talk. She does this thing where she'll dangle a bait in front of you of things she knows and wants you to ask about. Which I do, sometimes unwittingly. And I hate falling for it.  But again when it's my turn to talk or seek advice, it's almost like ugh... can you be done talking already. Again for her, I really need to just use her as a distraction and not try to seek advice or offer any meaningful contribution that I think needs to be heard. 

My other Friend from College - she's mostly just very opinionated. I think I mostly just don't like when people talk down to me. She doesn't do that, I don't think, but I think for me it's difficult to find something to add to the conversation because she feels very strongly about things I really don't care about or know much about. So I think she is willing to listen to me, but for some reason in these instances I feel as though I don't have much to say. I felt bad because I 100% lied to her. I've been doing that now. She asked if I had gone to therapy, and I definitely didn't want to admit to that, just yet, but again, I'm not good at lying on the spot (like the rest of America seems to be). I wish I would've said, the thing I don't like about clinicians is they are quick to diagnose you (without knowing the whole story), and that's what I'm afraid of.  But what I said was something along the lines of, I've had guidance counseling. And she was like, so you haven't had therapy. And I didn't correct her.

I think I mostly just want to start over with new friends which is why I inappropriately latched onto my boss. She was nice to me and did things like my aunt. She paid attention to me and seemed to look out for me.  (At Call Center #1, I met with my manager maybe 6 or 7 times a year for 15-30 min each; at Call Center #2, my manager gave me 300 modules and said let me know when you're done; and I met with her maybe a total of 15 minutes in 8 months.) She sent me cookies in the mail; my aunt used to send me food in the mail to make sure I was eating. She called to check up on me before I started. She spends hours with me on Fridays to make sure I'm getting the support I need to do my job. She talks about her family. I got mad a couple times, when she scheduled something after our Friday calls. I realized it felt like a rejection, and my disappointment came out in different ways. I was anxious when she went on vacation because I was afraid her husband would say she couldn't come back to work because she needed to be home more (this is what happened to one of my bosses at Call Center 1).  And that would be one more Safety Net pulled out from under me. So I brought a lot of "baggage," as they say, into forming a professional/personal relationship with this woman that of course she knows nothing about. I honestly was starting to believe, supernaturally, that she was meant to be in my life; that my aunt had sent her to me. When I found out we had the same birthday, I was convinced! Crazy, right? But I was so thirsty for some sign that I was going to be okay, that I latched on to any simple kindness. Desperate, right? Le sigh. 

When I look back, I don't think I really received any special attention. She sent the intern treats in the mail; she tells all her co-workers she misses them since they haven't been in the office together; she still talks to people she met or worked with years ago. She has close relationships with many of the people in the office. I think she's just a genuinely upbeat, nurturing, friendly person. So, I wasn't that special to her. I'm just one of many and should respond to that accordingly. 

But I, of course, only dwell in dichotomous places. Either we're friends and I'm special to her or we're just boss and direct report and keep our conversations strictly professional and related to the business.  I obviously can't share most of these things with her, but to mark the difference in my mind, I changed my email signature to something more standard than it was. (The previous one had a hopeful tagline.) I added my picture to my profile. I hadn't added my picture because I was hopeful that people would see what I could do before judging me on the way I looked. I can't function properly in a world where I hope for better than the expected outcome. It's too confusing. And I had originally started with a no-texting rule, specifically for this reason (getting too close to people only to be rejected later). I was at about 80% adherence with this rule, mostly only responding to texts. But now, I'm not responding if it's not related to work. 

As for messages on Teams, I don't think I can avoid them with everyone working remotely. But I hope to avoid using emojis, or expressing any kind of feeling. This I want to extend to the rest of the team as well. I'm better secured emotionally, when I interact with others from a distant place. 

Well that's my Monday (I mean Tuesday) morning rant of the day. 

I'm Thinking of Ending Things

 This was the title of the Netflix movie that caught my attention. After reading a scathing review, mostly about the filmmaker, I opted out. 

But naturally it caught my attention because this is a recurring thought for me. The funny thing about the title is that I was thinking one thing, but the movie title is actually intentionally referring to 2 different things - ending life and ending a relationship. 

The latter didn't even occur to me. 

I'm back in that desperate place.  You know the one. Sometimes saying it out loud and reflecting on it makes me see how desperate and dramatic it sounds. Sometimes. 

I looked up getting a pistol permit in my county. Unfortunately, I haven't updated my driver's license since I moved, so I wasn't able to apply online. I did make an appointment to update my driver's license but the soonest I could find was October. It's been like that since I moved - appointments being a month or so out. So if I had just booked an appointment when I first moved, this would have been resolved by now. 

The DL appointment has 2 potential outcomes since I legally changed my name.

1) They'll either let me renew my old license with my old name.

2) I'll have to renew my new license with my new name (not optimal, but in the end if my goal is to get the pistol permit, it won't matter). 

As I write this, I'm thinking if the goal is the pistol permit why don't I just update my new license with my new name online? Is it because I'm holding on to hope for something to turn this ship around? The answer is no. Everything is still in my old name. Regardless of how much longer I have to live, there is no part of me that is interested in changing my name on EVERYTHING. I mean everything. So a little bit of annoyance is worth not being annoyed for the rest of my life. 

So this is what's going on in the sideground in my life. This is my backup plan. This is my end-of-life workstream. Can you imagine?

In the foreground, I'm trying to think of best possible outcomes with New Job. 

In the mood I'm in right now, I'm thinking of lot of things, some incongruous. 

This job was too little too late.

On my timing (not God's timing), it just didn't fit what I saw my life looking like. 

The job is fine; I'm just like a well paid admin. I don't make any decisions; I don't really know how the business works; I'm left out of conversations; I don't know that there is enough work to justify the position; I'm afraid of being asked to do something that I can't do or haven't done; I didn't know I was coming into the middle of a re-org to a job that never existed prior to this; It's a talk-y job - you know where talking keeps you in the front of mind of the decision makers and somehow elevates your value to the company; I'm not a talkative person. So this brings to mind every other opportunity where the bubbly Katies of the world win. I am not a bubbly Katie. I'm just tired of messing up. I don't like that I'm not good at this job yet. I don't even know what being good at this job looks like. It's a grey area job - my least favorite kind. I can't go back to the call center; and now that I'm away from MI, it doesn't seem as attractive to me. I don't want to disappoint this woman who hired me. Even if I quit, where would I go from here. I should pull up my journal entries from 2015 when I started my first job. Something tells me I felt this way, and I still stayed there for 4 years. So maybe I can stay here too- to what end? 

When did I decided to end it all anyway? Next year? How much longer do I have to live like this? 

The One Where You Call Your Boss a Liar (and Hope You Still Have A Job)

As always, you give me an inch, and I take a mile. My manager and I had a 1:1 earlier talking about performance management. I really should've ended the meeting at the 30 minute mark, but I usually enjoy the time with her. So even though there was not much I wanted to talk about, I kept shooting the breeze with nonsense to make the hour stretch. 

Usually it's good conversation, but at this point I was a bit distracted, probably hungry, and a little over it.

When she talked about the Performance Management system, I exclaimed I hated it. 

Then I tried to enter my performance goals, and I messed it all up and was exasperated. She definitely kept her cool, but I felt like a child. 

Near the end of the hour, I finally asked if 2 of our co-workers wanted my job. She said they didn't. I said, "you're lying!"

Who does that?

I think I've crossed a boundary. I know I've crossed a boundary. I've taken it too far. 

I think I just got too comfortable. 

I think in general, she's been too good and welcoming and kind to me. And I took it too far. 

I do these things. I never should've gotten comfortable. I've been down this road. I took the bait and now I've stuck my foot in it. 

My punishment is 2 weeks of staying on topic. No personal topics or conversations. Don't share anything about myself; and don't try to glean anything about her. Oh no! I was going to schedule a birthday dinner next Friday, but now I definitely can't. See, I was getting too comfortable.  Even if she's nice to me, I can't let that fool me. 

I need to just keep my comments to myself. Man, I already know this person. I thought things would be different here. But I went in with an open heart and mind and I ended up in the same place.

Opening my mouth just wide enough to stick my foot in. 

Hrmph. 

It's like a car wreck. Can you imagine how great I'd feel right now, if I had just ended the meeting early. 

I was going to just keep to myself in terms of conversations with my manager, but I think to be on the safe side, I'm going to extend that to the whole team. 

Go back to speak when spoken to... twice. 

I'm tired of messing up. Oh boy, here come the tears. Ugh, this girl.

Maybe I'll just call and apologize. 

What to do I say? 

Well I did. 

I don't feel better.