Sweet, Salty Tears

 It's only been a few handfuls of tears today. But I just feel so...

I don't know what I feel. 

Even Death Date isn't that comforting. It still seems so far away, and I mean there's no real plan there. 

Well at least I know I have to keep working. What's the alternative? I can't go anywhere. #COVID

Not sure where I would go anyway. Or even if I had somewhere to go, that I would. 

I think about dying all the time. But it's not the escape it once was. It's more an inevitable truth. And yes, there's a chance I might be able to orchestrate its early arrival, but that doesn't bring me anymore comfort.

How do I feel differently right now? 

Things I wish I knew:

How my aunt is doing?

Is heaven awesome?

Is she even watching down on me...on any of us? Or am I just here by myself continuing to wander aimlessly?

Do my feelings even matter?

Can she see or hear me?

Does my suffering bring her any solace, to know that her life mattered? 

Am I just fixating on her to not deal with something deeper?

What do my co-workers think about me?

Did the vendor at work say something about me to my boss?

Has there been a shift at work or am I imagining things?

Are people talking about me at work? Are they saying mean things?

How does this part of my story end? 

My boss will be out next week. I don't know why that's making me feel a bit unhinged. Maybe because our Friday chats were the thing I looked forward to most. That's a lot of emotional responsibility for a boss. So I've been trying to wean myself off her attention. I don't think we even have any more scheduled chats.

Getting this job just added a twist to the narrative. I know as a Christian I'm supposed to trust in God's timing, but honestly it's never made sense to me. It always seemed a day late and a dollar short. 

Getting the fancy title at the fancy company with the fancy salary after so much heartache to get here doesn't make it better. I don't know why people say that. For me, the struggle has never been worth it.

When I have to go through that much turmoil for something it should feel good twice as long as it felt bad, at the very least. And it felt bad for a year and some change. 

I wish I knew the outcome of this story. 

I just wanted one last chance to have a remarkable end to my story. 

But I just don't see it. 

I can't believe this is really how my last years on earth will be. I can't believe this is the last thing I'll do. I think .001% of me was calling God's bluff. Like if I challenge Him that he would show me all the wonders He could do. But I think I've called his bluff too many times. 

I can't believe this is how it ends. 

It's not a bad ending, but I expected more. 

Maybe I'm just one of those people who can't be pleased, who can't be satisfied. But I don't think so. I don't believe that. 

Well I've stopped crying. So there's that.