Boss is Gone, Day 1

 For whatever reason, my boss being gone this week is filling me with angst. I guess in the work environment she was my emotional support human. 

• I recognize how inappropriate the nature of that relationship is, but I can't help it. I admire her a lot. I think I've said it before. She's the kind of person I would want as a friend. But I know I have to stop thinking about her as a potential friend because I can't have her be emotionally responsible for me. That would be unprofessional.
• What I like about her: I think she's in her 40s. The fact that she chose me. (Note: I am quite emotionally fragile these days, so any sign of affection or special attention is like a drop of water in the desert.) She has a big boss job and still has to care for her family (well I don't like that so much). But she does it without complaining. She's been on a 1:1 with me and making pot pie for her son? What?! I don't like that half the time when I ask, her husband gets up and plays golf in the morning. I'm wondering - on the way home, does he meal plan and pick up the shopping or run errands for the family. Somehow I doubt that. They are on vacation this week. I wonder if he booked and or planned the place. I doubt that. I digress. But this is what makes me so curious about what women get out of being in relationships. In the workplace, we're taught to stick up for ourselves; get credit for our work; say no; establish boundaries; demand equal treatment. But at home, it's back to the 1950s. 

I already lost my train of thought. 

• Yesterday, when Sunday was taking forever to finish, I just wanted Monday to come already. Now that Monday is here I just want to go back on the couch and surf channels.  
• I just feel nervous and anxious. 

My brother is in NC. 

I forgot to mention that the reason my last post was entitled sweet and salty was because that's all I ate this weekend - chips and cookies. It was a lot of poor food choices and tears.  I think I might move my death date up. That happened. It occurred to me that this COVID isolation provided a simulation of what life was going to be like after I quit my job and waited to die. Ugh.  My next milestone birthday is 40 and I don't think I want to reach that number. 

I don't want to do the pile of dishes downstairs.

I don't want to deal with the emails in the inbox. 

I have some shoring up of accounts to do, and I don't want to do that either. 

I was trying to find different things each day to look forward to, but I couldn't. 

I did shower this morning. 

What would make me feel better?

Honestly? I wish my boss would send me a message to check on me. How sad is that! 

In lieu of my tentative earlier Death Date, my most immediate goal is to get to 3 months at New Job. At that point, I will consider that task completed. And that was kind of the last thing left to do.