I want someone to talk to!

I trudged up the stairs to write a blog post entitled, I 'need' someone to talk to. But needs seem vital to life not vital to a "good life."

I just think my life would be a little bit better if I had someone to listen to me. I think I'm a good listener. I'm an active listener.

It would be nice to have someone who wants to know how my day went. I think for me, professionally, if I felt like I was being heard elsewhere or I could say the things I wanted to say, I wouldn't feel so oppressed at work or in other situations. Or feel so much pressure to censor my words.

I think it would help just being able to practice talking and having my voice heard.

I don't know exactly when I accepted being silenced, but I did. It happened.

New Job is stirring a bit of old feelings. Luckily (or not), they're dampened so far down, that they don't lead to rapid action.

So, a friend might say, how was your day today?

Well, yesterday I made rubber steak. I know I've made good thin =-cut steak before. There was like a week where I was patting myself on the back at how easy steak was to make. I remember thinking why was I ever afraid to make this. And then on, maybe the 3rd pack... the steak was rubbery and difficult to masticate (chew).  I tried 2 more times - the last time being last night. Ick.

I don't get it. Is there too much moisture? Because it feels like the steak is being boiled. That's what the texture feels like.

I actually just chucked the leftovers in the crockpot this morning along with some I had in the freezer. (Note: the best by date on the freezer pack was from July 2019). That was probably the last time I tried to cook red meat.

The crokpot version wasn't any more delicious but at least I could chew it.
I just really, really wanted some red meat. Steak in particular.

I guess it's a seasonal thing given the date on the freezer pack.

I planned on steak and baked potato and brownie.
I tried the Betty Crocker Triple Delight brownie pack and it was so delish, I bought it again for 30% more because I didn't want to go Wal-Mart. #COVID

Anyway, the steak was rubbery.
The baked potato was very much raw so i just cut off and ate the outer parts.
And the brownie was underbaked (the opposite of the way I liked it).

I ate what I could and watched a show.
Fell asleep and woke up feeling drowsy for my 8a meeting.

For now, I still like the meetings. I feel important. But I can definitely see how inconvenient and annoying they are. This is what people complain about. But having worked call center for the last 5 years, it's an ok change.

So today was another meetingful day.

The thing I'm proud of.
I like my manager alot, I think she would've made a good friend in another life. Or maybe not. Anyway, I wish she were my friend. But I guess in reality, she would be too busy as well because she is working all hours.
Anyway, I'm proud of myself because I've wanted to be a little more sociable with her and I've resisted the urge. I'm really proud of that! You know...being desperately single and alone and all.

Two bosses above her noticed my work profile doesn't have a photo. That was intentional on my part and the ask is that I upload a picture. I don't really want to. I don't want people to judge me on what I look like before they have a chance to see what I can do.

Oh well.

They do things differently over here. It's funny because I tried to join their Medical Information team a few different times, but the company I used to work for before makes New Job seem like amateurs. Who can I say that to? I'm just like errr... you could be doing better. But there are so many layers of people and process to go through to make a change here. And everyone just gets the handoff and assumes the last person did it correctly.

It's weird.
The meetings are weird.
The conversations are weird.

It's weird to secretly be plotting to only stay for 18 months knowing I just started. But I think my default is to act like everything is normal in work situations and regular life.

I think that's what I've been doing right? Sometimes with money stuff it's tricky, but until I actually pull the trigger (whatever that might be), I'm living life as though I will live to the average age of 80 and retire at 65 (eww, gross!).  Talk about living a double life!

So yeah, if I had a friend, that's what I'd want to tell them.