Thursday

Today, I think, was probably what a typical workday might resemble. Maybe even a typical work week.

Most of this week, I didn't have much required work to do between meetings which was nice. I was able to filter 1.5 meetings that I didn't really need to attend. Actually 2.5 now that I think about it.

The novelty of having meetings to attend has definitely worn off. I imagine this continuing to wear off when I actually have deadlines to meet.

I started on a project that has a much bigger scope than I can do alone. I quickly tired of it about 60% through the workday yesterday.

One fear I have is losing interest (and knowledge) in some of these projects and tasks that require so many other people to reach completion.

I didn't react (strongly) to 2 messages I received in a chat. Mind you, these are not life-altering to a normal person. But to this single, it's generally cause for pause.

I asked an intern if she thought the company would hire her. When she didn't respond right away, I wondered if I'd offended her. Old me, would have spun into a tizzy...you've seen it right here on this very blog. Or, tried to add additional comments to cover whatever perceived slight I imagined.  I did not.  And this morning, she responded with an expected response. I was a little overly nice (more than I intended) because of yesterday's feelings, but overall an improvement from me.

Thing 2 happened today. There are 2 documents I think are basically the same and could be condensed into one larger document. This aligns with one of our long term projects to clean up our database. I asked one of the specialists who had just updated both documents with the same verbiage if he thought they could be condensed. He immediately was like "no, they're two completely different processes."

I instantly got mad that he would reject my idea. But I realize my mistake is presenting it like a question.  But that seems to be the code-switch of women in this company. I'm still learning how best to navigate conversation with this mediocre white man. I wanted to say, I disagree; I think they can; we'll see.  I rolled my eyes for about an hour. (Side note... another plus for virtual workspace... I can have all my reactions in the privacy of my own home!).  Anyways, I decided to leave it alone. The thing is- ultimately, it's not his decision to make. If I want to consolidate those documents, there's not really a whole lot standing in my way. He's not my direct report so I wouldn't be asking him to do it anyway.

I did get mad, but I can also continue to add that to my repertoire of interactions with him. Now, I know that's one person I won't be asking for help as I tackle this larger project.  This is a man who called someone like me belligerent and aggressive during another interaction where the woman felt unheard and unseen (sound like anyone you know??).

I'm not really sure who my allies are here. Not sure if I will find anyone. I've been reminded of late that work is not where you find family (or in my case friends). You are disposable. So there's that.

Thing 3.
There were about 3 issues that came up today that after I'm fully trained, I would need to handle on my own. I don't know how to do them! I didn't even know where to start. So that's scary.

Other things I want to continue to work on. Keeping my comments to myself. If it's purely commentary, personal or professional, it's best kept in my mind or on the blog. It's just too risky. I get a bit confused when my boss encourages me to speak up, but I have a good idea of things that are in my best interest. Sharing my opinion in a group where I am the Other is never a good idea.

Oh did I tell you - I went through an entire workday without checking my personal email! To be fair, any actual personal (non-spam) emails get forwarded to my work email. So I knew there was nothing to really check. That hasn't stopped me in the past, but there was no manic checking today! Win for the Single Girl!

One more thing.
I was watching Love on the Spectrum on Netflix. Applause worthy, BTW. And I wonder if all of us struggle a little bit or if I'm really just spectrum-adjacent. A lot of the things they said resonated with me or sounded like something I've done or felt in the past.  But I think those parts of my personality are things I can play up or play down. And that might be the difference between quirk and diagnosis.

I don't like sounds and smells, but only particular sounds or smells. I don't like unexpected things. I often feel like I have a script running through my head. My social interactions are much like running through a list of things I know about a person. And when I meet knew people, I want to ask about 100 questions. I like scripted things. I like plans. I like structure. I get thrown off when something doesn't happen the way I expect it to. I remember in college plotting out a Relationship Plan. I wanted the boyfriend experience, so I wrote out a contract of what to do, how long the relationship would last, and like little boundaries and events. I gave it to a boy and asked if he wanted to take part in it. I'm pretty sure he said no, and we were all pretty sure he was gay. So for me that felt like a safe choice. No unknowns.

Anyway, I digress. Enough for now.

I am always curious about getting tested for a spectrum disorder, but a) testing for girls and adults (i.e. non-white-boys) is pretty under-developed and b) what would it really change in my life.  What would be the best possible outcome of a positive diagnosis?

And what of a negative diagnosis?