Sunday, Not Fun Day

This Sunday brings you another weekly Crisis of Conscience. I guess this is my new normal. Or it always has been. Who knows? Who knows anything?

I figured I might as well bang this out in the hopes that it won't linger with me all day.

This morning I feel the same ole..

What's the point of all this?

I realized the best I hope for everyday is that nothing bad happens (herein lies the problem), and the worst that can happen is everything.

It is on days like these that I remember recent slights, and old ones begin to trickle through as well.

I can't even say I wish I wasn't working because in this moment I think that'd make everything worse. If I can't even get through 2 days of nothing to do, can you imagine 7?

While the work week is fraught with unknowns, it's 8 hours of distraction.

I do still wish that I can continuously make acknowledged, recognized, significant, positive contributions to my new job, but the pressure of that makes it feel more like a wish than anything else.

Today I don't feel as bad about my aunt as I have been. I know this feeling too shall pass. I'm in the mood I was when she was sick and needed my help most - who cares? Do I even matter? Does any of it even matter?

I guess it's good to be in this place because I can see more clearly why I did what I did; felt what I felt; and acted as I acted.

I came downstairs to drown my sorrows in Netflix and sugar. Three servings of sugar later, I'm in just as foul of a mood. 

And there's a bug upstairs I didn't have the energy to deal with.

Hrmph.

If this stays a Sunday mood, I guess I can soldier on.

But my guess is, it'll start as just a Sunday mood and by next week it'll creep into part of Monday.

I've been here before. I've had this mood last well into Thursday afternoons - lifting briefly until the the next Sunday.

I'm going to keep typing because the alternative is eating more sugar and zoning out to Netflix.

My brother messaged me about visiting. I immediately felt unsettled. As much as I lament how alone I am - the thought of visitors is not comforting. In fact I felt the opposite- uncomfortable. Where is he going to sleep? What are we going to talk about? What are we going to do?  Am I going to hide the death notes I have posted everywhere? I don't even really have seating for 2.

So, see I don't know what I want. I don't know what will ease my troubles (well... I do know...).  It's why I don't really say much to my extended family. Three of my aunts are trying to be more active in my life and say nice things. I'm just so resistant to it.

It's as though I don't want to make any new connections. I don't want to form any new bonds. I don't want to really reconnect with my family members, I don't know why. I'm fine with it the way it is. I don't really want to meet anyone new either.

What's in the middle of that... maybe some old friend of a friend. I don't want a completely new connection nor do I want to repurpose current connections.  So I've settled on a friend of a friend.

The thing is I've already dispositioned most of my old friends and my family members. I live in a one dimensional world where things don't change and people don't change. I've already sorted their place in my life.

And when I forge forward, I don't want to bring old things with me. It's not baggage, it's just history. If I'm moving forward, I want to do so freely, not have to worry about old hurts, hangups, relationship entanglements.

I live a compartmentalized life.

I want a cookie.