Some things that happened this week

 It's Saturday morning!

And I am extremely stinky. I need to shower. I stopped shaving my underarms a couple years ago, and let me tell you those hair follicles really do their job to spread your scent. Too bad it's not mating season! 

Anywhoozle, this week.

So yesterday, I had a mostly normal 1:1 with my manager. Phew! I didn't cry; I didn't yell. And I think there was an understanding even if I didn't say it in so many words. I didn't overshare but I did manage to get out some of things I'd wanted to share with her surrounding my grief. Namely, I mentioned the loss again. How it's hard and surprising. It helped that she lost her mom 2 years ago so I had a nice segue. I mentioned how distressing (not sure that's the word I used)...concerned I was when my time with my manager was threatened - like when she went on vacation.  I'd like to think she understood what I was trying to share without me having to apologize again or bring up past moments.  I touched briefly on past managers. 

While I didn't type out what I was going to say, I think I did well getting out the basic bones of the things I wanted to say. I think typing it out would have made it forced, although complete, and I would have felt worse if I didn't get  chance to say it. 

What I got out of the meetings was just a refocus on business problems and stop paying attention so much to relationships with other colleagues. I found myself getting frustrated this week with perceived slights from other co-workers. 

She shared how 3 of her coworkers were her family and really got her through the passing of her mom. Unfortunately for me, one of those is people is my co-worker and her direct report. For me, that's an unbreakable bond that I can't penetrate. So I'll always be on the outside looking in; that relationship will be prioritized over anything we might share. And each of them have their own families so I'm like 88th on her list. Sad. 

I just wanted someone for myself. I guess those days truly are gone. It's going to have to be okay. 

I'd never craved being in a relationship until these moments as of late. I just want someone to look after me. 

But I know that won't happen even if I found someone - I'd be the default caretaker by virtue of being born female. Womp, womp. 

So remember, last week I prayed about finding a message in my inbox of someone just for me. Well, I had a pretty successful game night with my cousins virtually. And one of my other aunts that lived overseas sent me an email. And my mother forwarded me some chain emails.  So there's that.  But I already know those people, and I know they have other priorities before their relationship with me. 

The last time I made a fast friend was my roommate from undergrad (in 2004). I think before that - just the purity of early childhood where everyone you met was a friend. And the most recent was my manager, but my charms just aren't enough. She's vocalized who her close relationships are and I've seen for myself that the connection was one-sided, the feeling is unrequited. It's going to have to be okay. 

Again, I can only think if this is how my aunt felt in the days, or months, or years before her death, I am deeply regretful. It pains me to know I could have brought joy and affirmation to someone else, but I didn't. Ouch, it hurts. It really, really hurts.

No matter, even if I'm just a passing ship to my manager, I choose to be glad that for however long, the connection I felt helped distract me from my grief. In those moments, I was not this sad little girl stuck in this cloudy, sticky, prickly, suffocating grief. 

On to other things, I think I'm backing up a little from calling the three people that answered - Other Aunt, Professional School Roommate, and Cousin. I need to learn to just go back to my single, sad life. This yearning for more just keeps getting me in trouble. I'm not in the mood to take anymore emotional risks. For now, I'll leave channels for communication open, but I don't see that lasting forever.

Oh, the other thing that came up this week - going back to work! My office site is apparently encouraging people to go back to the office. Womp, womp. My manager plans to be onsite one day a week. She said to think about it and let her know what I want to do. Ugh, I already know what I want to do - not move there. I don't plan on bringing it up. Especially if no one is going in 5 days a week, I think I should be okay. 

My thought right now is - I don't enjoy this job enough to move. I'm done with all these false starts and new starts and hope. Not only do I not enjoy it enough, I think having to interact with any of the people I've met so far on a regular basis would be a detriment to the experience and would probably accelerate my dissatisfaction. 

So I guess if we're looking on the brightside - I'm 100% happy I didn't move for this job!

I guess I'm not sure how that conversation would go. If I say, I'd be just as effective working remotely, and she says no. What's the middle ground?