I feel stuck in my grief

 I feel stuck. I'm saying I'm stuck in my grief but it might be something else. Until I find out what that something else is, I'm calling it grief.

I keep trying to recreate old feelings - excitement, joy, humor. I'm going through the motions, but I don't feel the same effect. I don't get the same result. 

It's dampened or not at all. 

But I think I felt new, real feelings when I was first getting to know my manager. Too bad I messed that up, and when I think about it too much, she's not that great. No, she's pretty great. I'm just not that special to her. I'm one of many. 

Calling up the old people I used to know is as unhelpful as I imagined it would be. I feel even more stuck in the grief with added on anger and unspoken feelings. They are a distraction from the tears and that was the original purpose, but I either feel just as stuck or a little worse. 

I don't have any meetings to prepare for tomorrow. Maybe I'll try to learn VBA to pass the time.