I'm Thinking of Ending Things

 This was the title of the Netflix movie that caught my attention. After reading a scathing review, mostly about the filmmaker, I opted out. 

But naturally it caught my attention because this is a recurring thought for me. The funny thing about the title is that I was thinking one thing, but the movie title is actually intentionally referring to 2 different things - ending life and ending a relationship. 

The latter didn't even occur to me. 

I'm back in that desperate place.  You know the one. Sometimes saying it out loud and reflecting on it makes me see how desperate and dramatic it sounds. Sometimes. 

I looked up getting a pistol permit in my county. Unfortunately, I haven't updated my driver's license since I moved, so I wasn't able to apply online. I did make an appointment to update my driver's license but the soonest I could find was October. It's been like that since I moved - appointments being a month or so out. So if I had just booked an appointment when I first moved, this would have been resolved by now. 

The DL appointment has 2 potential outcomes since I legally changed my name.

1) They'll either let me renew my old license with my old name.

2) I'll have to renew my new license with my new name (not optimal, but in the end if my goal is to get the pistol permit, it won't matter). 

As I write this, I'm thinking if the goal is the pistol permit why don't I just update my new license with my new name online? Is it because I'm holding on to hope for something to turn this ship around? The answer is no. Everything is still in my old name. Regardless of how much longer I have to live, there is no part of me that is interested in changing my name on EVERYTHING. I mean everything. So a little bit of annoyance is worth not being annoyed for the rest of my life. 

So this is what's going on in the sideground in my life. This is my backup plan. This is my end-of-life workstream. Can you imagine?

In the foreground, I'm trying to think of best possible outcomes with New Job. 

In the mood I'm in right now, I'm thinking of lot of things, some incongruous. 

This job was too little too late.

On my timing (not God's timing), it just didn't fit what I saw my life looking like. 

The job is fine; I'm just like a well paid admin. I don't make any decisions; I don't really know how the business works; I'm left out of conversations; I don't know that there is enough work to justify the position; I'm afraid of being asked to do something that I can't do or haven't done; I didn't know I was coming into the middle of a re-org to a job that never existed prior to this; It's a talk-y job - you know where talking keeps you in the front of mind of the decision makers and somehow elevates your value to the company; I'm not a talkative person. So this brings to mind every other opportunity where the bubbly Katies of the world win. I am not a bubbly Katie. I'm just tired of messing up. I don't like that I'm not good at this job yet. I don't even know what being good at this job looks like. It's a grey area job - my least favorite kind. I can't go back to the call center; and now that I'm away from MI, it doesn't seem as attractive to me. I don't want to disappoint this woman who hired me. Even if I quit, where would I go from here. I should pull up my journal entries from 2015 when I started my first job. Something tells me I felt this way, and I still stayed there for 4 years. So maybe I can stay here too- to what end? 

When did I decided to end it all anyway? Next year? How much longer do I have to live like this?