And I'm Alone Again

 It was a four day week after the holiday.

On Tuesday, I got a meeting invite from my manager. Because it was mid-week and a little out of the blue, I thought she as going to mention Friday. 

So, I reached out to a cousin I hadn't spoken to in 5 years. She's a professional adult woman who for the most part always does the right thing. She gave me some tips on how to approach the conversation and maybe how to to interact with my manager moving forward. 

Luckily, my manager didn't ask about Friday in particular, but I still sense she wanted to. After the initial greetings, she just asked me to help her craft an email. 

This week I also met with a lady doing a job I thought I might like doing. It wasn't that helpful, but I have to pretend it is. 

I think since I decided and vocalized that I don't see myself doing this job long-term, the parts I don't like seem to be quite salient. 

At this point I feel like I'm just treading water until my next inflection point. 

I am learning a little how to respond to passive requests in a non-committal way. 

Thursday, I signed up with the EAP program at work. I spoke to a counselor today which of course was 30 minutes of tears. I don't know what the objective of counseling is so it's difficult to know what the structure or the expected outcome is. But I get 10 sessions. Maybe I'll schedule them on Friday afternoons - the day when the alone-ness sets in. 

So about 40 minutes ago, I felt sad again. I just want someone to myself. Someone just for me.  I don't even know if my aunt was that, but at least she wasn't not-that, if that makes any sense. 

So at the end of counseling, they ask you, 

Do you feel like hurting yourself or others? 

I say: No

I think: As a matter of fact....

I have a death plan all mapped out, but that wouldn't lead to any real action since it's not an immediate threat. 

So I've conjured up the dead, called people I don't like; reached out to family members I don't care that much about - but I know they would like hearing from me; and called EAP. 

I get 10 sessions. So if I use those to replace my weekly Friday sessions with my manager, that should get me through just about the end of the year. Which should be about 6 months since starting new job. 

I think next year, I might try to go to Turkey. We have a family friend that moved there. On TV, a family was talking about planning a siblings trip. Maybe I'll plan a cousins trip. That could be fun. NC State Fair had been my default family reunion destination for awhile. 

We'll see what 2021 holds. 

Oh, I am also signed up to play a virtual game in a few minutes with one of the dead personal colleagues I conjured up.