401k Maxed and Some Other Money News!

 So I got a notification from my bank this morning that only $300 had made it to my bank account from payroll! What! Granted I was only expecting a little over $600 this payperiod thanks to my aggressive savings from my COVID Budget. 

But $300 is low even for me! 

My first thought was I'd made a mistake. Did all my clicking around mess things up? Did I forget to remove a direct deposit for a bank bonus? Did the agent that does my after tax conversion in my 401k click the wrong button? 

After clicking around, I finally realized what happened! My pre-tax 401k had maxed out with only about $150 contribution this payperiod. Stay with me. Work offers a spillover to after tax once you max out your pre-tax. Which means that 17% was taken out after tax. Ouch! 

So that's where the $300 went. It was a good problem but my oh my! It took about 1.5 hours to untangle what I wanted to do next. I've been so financially lean that $300 actually upset a few of my workflows. If I keep my 401k contributions as is, I woulnd't have enough for January 2022's recurring bills. Yowzers. I was very reluctant to change my 401k contribution amounts only for 1 month because I knew for the most part that part of my 2022 budget was staying the same until at least the end of Q12022.

So what to do?

After a lot of mental gymnastics, I decided to empty 1 of my cash cushion Savings and put it in the Checking account I use for paying bills. I have just enough for Dec 2021 and Jan 2022 bills. So I can't really use that account again until then. 

Next step - I had to cancel 2 recurring transfers to that Checking account because I don't have enough in my Regular Savings to cover those 2 monthly transfers.

What'd I tell you...lots of calculations!

That's what's helpful about knowing your monthly expenses. I'll never stop touting the benefits of tracking your spending. 

So right now in my regular savings, I have  enough to cover Dec and January's incidental expenses at $400/mon with about a $500 buffer.

I'm really not counting on receiving income again until my Jan 15, 2022 paycheck. Just because whatever I get in Dec is going to be so small, I'm just going to not count on it. 

That said I have a $700 HOA bill that's due at the end of the year. Luckily, I signed up for a $200 credit card bonus, so that should help. Honestly, it was so easy to think, just put it on the card and not pay it until Jan but that is a slippery slope for me.

Once that thought landed, I also started thinking about financing my trip to Seattle to find myself a boyfriend! Yes, it's so easy to use credit to finance dreams. For me, it's like taking a bite out of a brownie and thinking I won't eat the whole pan. What's funny is that I don't generally think I have a spending problem. But something about a credit card just makes me feel reckless.

It's why I am not a good candidate to use credit cards for regular spending just for travel points. I can only use them in controlled environments like this. Just meet the minimum spend to get the bonus and then cancel the card. 

Anyway, so the plan is to charge the HOA fee ($700) to the Credit Card to meet the $500 spend. Get the $200 cashback bonus and pay off the bill using Play Money. Play Money is money I keep as cash as a pseudo-safety net but use it to churn bank bonuses in the meantime. I haven't had to use Play Money for regular bills before, so this is a first. Technically, that's why a safety net exists. This is less of an emergency though and more of a ... convenience situation. Either way, I'm thankful for it! 

It's also a good reminder of how far I've come. I remember making $18/hr and being in so much debt (credit card and student loan), that a $300 surprise dental bill just made me cry and discouraged.  Now a $700 bill (not a surprise), just means moving money around, even if ever so slightly inconvenient.  

Money News

So while clicking around to figure out why my paycheck was so small, I noticed my YTD balances from payroll.  So using those with Dec projections, here's where I stand to end the year 2021. All rounded estimates. 

Gross Salary: $140k (includes $1.5k valuation of recognition rewards from peers)

Taxes: $44k (wow!)

Net Pay: $95k

I am thankful. This put a smile on my face. $140k is the most I've ever grossed in my working life. It doesn't even seem real, and honestly if I hadn't taken the time to notice just now, I would not have fully realized or fully appreciated the milestone!  This doesn't even include the 6% 401k match. This is the most money I've ever made! 

And I don't know off the top of my head, but if I really stayed within my $15k COVID budget for the year, I potentially saved about $80k of hard-earned income! Another amazing milestone. Thanks, God!

May God Bless Your Journey (A Dating Story)

 I fell in love again with another online profile. This time our romance only lasted a week and it was fun! It's always fun. That dopamine rush... wow, I get it. 

I think I have been carnally physically attracted to 2 people in my life ever. He was number 2. I've never used the term masculine energy in my life but I felt it through a video call. He exuded it. I always fall in love with the words.

When I asked what he wanted in a partner, he messaged about mutual love and support. He wants to hold hands and prove that he's someone's one and only. 

Even if it were a line, it was the line my eyes and ears were dying to hear.

He playfully offered to cook for me when I mentioned only having waffles for dinner. Swoon.

A man that wants to cook for me and hold my hand, all I hear is I want to provide for and protect you. Double swoon.

So I said, I want to be your wife. Naturally, that scared him off and I won't hear from him again after our video date. I slept on it and knew it was risky to send the message, but I did it anyway.  Fortune favors the bold. This time, it was unfortunate, but I don't mind. 

I mean realistically, was I going to up and move to Seattle. I'd rather have it fizzle out on my own terms than be ghosted mysteriously. I never feel bad for making someone feel good. I know how good it feels to be that desired. That's why I do it. I know it's always too soon, but I like giving into my feelings. 

Being a little reflective, he did say it was too soon and it made it feel like I didn't take it seriously. He felt like it's something he's taken a lifetime to decide on and I just decided on it more recently. It's not true. We all know I've always wanted to fall in love.

But someone I casually saw once - one of the secrets of my past that I vehemently deny happening- mentioned something similar. He saw marrying me as risky because I gave off the feeling that I could leave anytime. Isn't that how everyone should feel? It should always be a choice. I don't want to feel like I can't leave. 

Anyway, to my most recent online love, may God bless your journey! 

A Little Bit of Jealousy, Then I Got Over It (with new money moves)

Ugh. I am both inspired by other people's stories and momentarily jealous. I was talking to a co-worker and I have surmised he lives in a million dollar house and based on that I think his salary is around $200k.

He's just so happy with his life and I loved that. I do think his white privilege landed him a lot of opportunity because from his own words... "I would just get asked to do things I've never done before." #TheresJustSomethingAboutYouITrust

Anyway, I'll save that raking of the coals for a different day. But basically after finding out how much his house cost - I was like how much do these people make! My gosh! Assuming his mortgage is $4k and that it takes 1 paycheck to pay it, it means his net pay is about $8k (at least). I just took the minimums. So for a 8k/mon spend, he would really only need 2.5 million to early retire. And I believe in earlier conversations he thinks he could do it by 55. And it's totally possible!

I just love it. He's so happy. He seems to have a nice family. A nice house. His kids are 12 and 13 so he'll be done raising "children" in like 5 years. And to me, I'm like he can just enjoy working from 45 to 55 and then retire into the sunset with his beautiful family in his beautiful house having climbed the career mountain. 

To me, that's a pretty nice life. 

A great sampling of the buffet of life. 

To me it always seemed out of reach. 

Retiring at 40 is not the same as retiring at 55 but if the trade off is a beautiful house and family and a lucrative career you're good at, then it would be worth it. 

We know I'm feeling the Holiday Feels right now...so I'm like oooing and aaahing at everything that resembles love. 

Meanwhile, I'm getting rejected left and right on the apps. The handful of people in real life I've asked to introduce me to someone said they know no-one. (That's not what the internet said would happen! Thanks for nothing, internet.)

I think if I could figure out how to enjoy this money, it would help, but I just can't. I just want to reach the next milestone. Full Stop. 

So to soothe myself, I just logged into some of my accounts. 

I think I'm nearing the optimizing stage of my financial journey. Once I reach my next milestone, I'm going to tidy up some of my investment allocations.

Namely, move more of my investments out of target date funds and into index funds like VTSAX or its counterpart.  As a novice investor, I was a big fan of the target date fund and it's served me well.  But now that I have a better appreciation of expense ratio fees and rate of returns, I'm feeling more motivated for a tune-up. 

I think I'll keep my investments at my robo-advisor for another year and re-assess. Everytime I get an alert on their periodic fees I choke up a little, but I'll leave it for now until I feel more confident transferring it to another broker.

As for my individual brokerage accounts, I'd thought about moving all to 1 broker but I think an intermediate stop will be just to move away from target date funds and into VTSAX or its counterparts where available. Right now, it's a mix of the two. So that should simplify things. 

Old 401ks from Call Center 1 and 2. They are in target date funds. I decided against rolling over into IRAs or into current 401k. What I will do is move those over into an index fund as well. The expense ratio goes down with that as well. I'm looking at the Fidelity 500 Index Fund. 

I will plan to keep my current 401k in a target date fund. 

So it's not the simplest, but it's simpler than it has been. 

I think if I were hardcore, I'd just put everything in VTSAX like the internet says to do including rolling over my 401k into an IRA. I actually don't have a good reason why I don't rollover my 401k other than I just don't.  Other than having the ability to invest it in anything I want, I don't see a real benefit.

I'm losing emotional safety nets each year, so I'm fine just taking my time and easing into things. 

In other news, I've been hearing bloggers talk about the price of groceries going up. I hadn't noticed it really until yesterday. 1 of the regular bottles of oil was $4 at Food Lion! I'm pretty sure it's been $2 in the past because I remember wondering if the sign was right. It was. 

So that's what's been going on since this morning. Did a little work. Made some spaghetti. Going to try to enjoy the holiday without getting too mopey. 

A Thanksgiving List (and some Grumbling)

 Oh what a day to be alive!

I was happy about an hour ago, but then I'm back to being moody. The Devil is soo good. I think he controls Mean Brain.

Anyway all the things I'm thankful for ...this year and maybe in general

• My beloved aunty that passed away. I 100% did not appreciate her when she was alive. I jsut thought of course you should take care of me. Didn't realize how much it's a choice every day, every minute and second to care for someone. I was well loved and didn't know it.
• My job. Being employed helps me reach my financial goals.
• Working from home. Writing out goals helped on this one. I have it in big font on my wall in my home office. When I look at it now....I'm amazed it came true. Plain and simple.
• Making 6 figures. This year will be the 2nd full year of making a six figure salary.
• Family. We're not as close as we could be or perhaps used to be, but they're there. 
• Financial stability. It's just nice. A friend mentioned how a $750 deductible for a car accident caused some drama in the family. I think someone had to take out a loan to help pay. That sucks. I'm at a place where that would be annoying but not a financial upset. That is nice. It's nice to recognize and acknowledge that. One of my last jobs before going to pharmacy school, I was making $18/hr and had a $300 dental bill that made me cry. It just felt so insurmountable. And this is as a single person with no kids still crashing on relatives' couches. 
• My boss is fine.
• I got away from my old boss. In hindsight, of course I'm remembering only the bad feelings. That's part of my healing process. I'll come back to neutral. But in the end, she hired me and I got the opportunity to work here and increase my salary by 30%.
• Streets, roads, a  place to live.
• Thanksgiving Spaghetti. I have a hot stove and money for my Thanskgiving meal. 
• Waffles. I made 2 kinds of waffles last night because I couldn't decide on which mix to buy. Well the Krusteaz mix was light and fluffy and sweet. I didn't really need syrup. The Food Lion blueberry mix was thick. Pretty much a pancake shaped like a waffle. I'm excited to make more. I can't decide if I want a thick and fluffy waffle dripping in syrup or a light and airy one. 
• The Internet. It's how I stay connected albeit lightly with the outside world.
• Television shows. These days it's where I find a lot of inspiration. It keeps me company. 
• My space heater. Can you imagine being homeless and cold.
• My body. Still works for the most part.
• All my many blessings!

Christmas Wishlist

- A Boyfriend for Christmas. It was a movie my aunt bought me one year for Christmas. It's actually a pretty sweet movie. But as I made fun of all my friends over the last decade for that strong burning desire they had to start a family and get married, I am in that place right now. Except I know mine is temporary and I saw it coming. Holidays make me crave love, affection, attention. They just do, and I knew this year would be the worst in a while given all that's happened over the last couple of years. I don't necessarily even feel alone, I just feel this overwhelming desire to be in romantic love. That's it. 

Been experiencing some mild rejection on the dating app. I want to quit. What is the point. It's so cold sometimes I don't even want to go out. I'm still in Seattle. I vacillate between - this should be easier and because it's not it makes me expect more. And I think that's the wrong attitude.

Is this is a No or a Not Yet?

People always ask why now or what are you looking for on these things? I think for me, I think I'm in a good place. Dating just hasn't been a priority in the past. Women I know do so much finagling to "stay ready" to meet someone that guys think these things just happen. Nonsense. But I think I'm in a good place because I don't need a mate for financial support or a father for my kids. So it makes the desire a pretty tepid one.  Marriage is a very traditional religious value that has been undervalued in modern society. I say I don't want to get married to be a 'cool girl,' but the more I think about it outside of the romance of if, it's not necessarily something I'm looking for. I'm sure it all changes when your feelings betray you, but logically, it doesn't sound that fun. 

I'm stuck somewhere between the person I am at rest and the person I know I probably need to be to attract a mate. Ugh. I know I can't take dating into 2022. At least not until 2022 gives me its share of rain. 

I think what's hard about the apps and allegedly dating is... you say I want x,y,z and thousands of people bypassing you say they don't want those things. It makes you wonder if those things are things you should desire. That's where I get stuck. Am I unreasonable? I remember from a linguistics course that humans want 2 things - To pursue their desires and for their desires to be desirable by other people. The second unmet condition is the slap in the face dating offers on a regular basis.

But I think once you find a mate, it's that completeness we all talk about. It's validation or affirmation that we want the same things! Basic need = met.

I'd like to think I don't need rain to appreciate the sunshine, but now I wonder if God thinks so. It really doesn't make sense that I haven't found anyone for even something casual. But neither did my job hunt. 

I think as much as I want a hot fling, I probably have to ease into something that had long-term potential. But I really just wanted a hot fling. The weather was nice. I had a light workload. I got my hair done. I just wanted some carefree fun. 

Anyway, Happy Thanksgiving! I'm going to eat my waffles and do some work. 

Honey Buns, a Financial Milestone, and other Sweet Life Updates

 Today is one of the happy days. My simple luxury at the moment is using a space heater as a foot warmer. Sometimes it gets so hot I'll even open the windows, but keep the space heater on my feet. Maybe luxury is a euphemism for 'how did I waste money today.'

But today is one of the happy days. I am happy today for circumstantial things (of course), but happy none the less for what are emotions if not fleeting.

I had a great meeting in the morning with a project manager who is just a good meeting facilitator (read: white). There were 2 old white men in the meeting which I think had it just been them plus me would have been a not so great meeting (read: lots of talking in circles and verbally patting each other on the back). 

Anyway, I think work was taking up a lot of mental space the last few weeks, but having cranked out a real workable first draft of my project, I feel much better. I can think, sort of. 

I decided to do some writing in the afternoon today. I read somewhere that the 9a to 5p workday was meant for manual labor not creative work like some of us have to do. I believe it. I've been having night time thoughts where I want to produce work but I'm also trying to train myself to not work after hours after the trauma of last year. So, I don't know. Do I just work when the mood comes or do I try to work within the confines of the workday. 

As always, I want an answer right away, but we shall see. I have noticed when it's cold and grey in the morning, getting up is hard to do. And when it's a task that requires complex thought, it just doesn't get done. Now is that something I continue to fight, or do I wake up at 3a and write. I don't know.

Same with the house. I realized that my FIRE horizon had me reaching my FI goal at age 42, so I'd intended to stay in the house until then for financial reasons. With those financial reasons being loosened, I find myself in limbo. That inflection point came sooner than expected. So I don't have enough data. But I think I'm in the same place I was in the apartment, where would I even go?

So yes, without calling too much attention to it (because of fear), I had a lofty goal of seeing $160k growth in investments this year, and I did it! How did I come up with that number. I have been an avid reader of A Purple Life and from Dec 2018 to Dec 2019, she saved/invested/realized about $160k worth of growth in those 12 months. We make about the same and with my COVID budget, I thought I could match her growth. And I did! As of last weekend, I've seen $160k worth of growth in all my assets this year. Isn't that amazing! 

It's certainly a good problem to have because at the end of Q3, my assets had gone backward so I didn't think I'd make it! But I did! Obviously, Mean Brain says anything can happen between now and then, but it still feels pretty cool. These are the things I wish I could say aloud to someone, anyone. 

Honey Buns

On a whim because there were so many bushels of snack cakes all over the Food Lion, I picked up a Food Lion brand of Honey Buns to check for milk ingredients. There were none! So I bought a pack. My first pack of snack cakes since what... high school? I used to love Hostess Cupcakes. Eat the icing first then lick the creme center. Yum. I think I had one most days for lunch in high school. 

I just had my off-brand Honey Bun and it tasted like adolescence. The simple things.

At the grocery store, and elderly lady chatted me up briefly about gravy. She mentioned she was getting the canned gravy because it was just her. My heart wanted to invite her over or at least commiserate. But I couldn't. I don't know, I just didn't. I saw her multiple times and we even ended up in the same check-out line. I felt very strongly I was supposed to invite her over or spend time with her but I couldn't make a plan fast enough. I know God will punish me. 

This isn't the first time where I've felt drawn to a stranger to do something good, but I just don't know how. 

I don't have a phone so I couldn't really get her number. Well I guess technically I have a way to call her. Maybe I could just ask to call her on Thanksgiving. Ok, well, next time then. And then just chatting up strangers. It's so out of the norm for me. 

I was like can I tell her I'm living alone? She was so freely telling me and I'm so scared to let anyone know I live alone. 

Anyway, that happened.

Other things

As I'm wont to do, I'm spending way too much time thinking about questions I'm getting on the app. It feels like interviewing all over again. Do I give the real answer or something carefree that doesn't answer the question. Ugh. Who cares.

I did do patience exercises this weekend. I had a  plumbing issue. And instead of getting frustrated for an hour trying to fix it, I just waited for a few days and it fixed itself.  Granted, I did have a lapse on Saturday. But I only spent about 10 minutes on it, versus the 1 hour or so. Then Monday, it was resolved.

Then the apps. I mentally checked out of the big girl apps, but am giving myself until Wed afternoon to completely delete them. Why wait? Well, I've deleted the regular dating apps in a fit of feelings only to reinstall them, so this time I wanted to be sure and not think later that I didn't stay around long enough.

And all the adult feelings I was having about relationships have certainly subsided. I think I just had a momentary Fall Awakening with all my new found freedom (i.e. new job). With the cold weather lingering, I mostly just want to stay in bed and eat potatoes. Haha. 

So I had been going back and forth between NC and Seattle on the one dating app, but I have been in Seattle (on the app) for at least a week... or a weekend and some change. I might stay there... that is until the well runs dry. 

At this moment, the plan is just go down to the one regular dating app. I was already planning on deleting the adult dating apps tomorrow. But I think I'll go ahead and get rid of Coffee Meets Bagel and Plenty of Fish. Coffee Meets Bagel is not very popular in my area it seems. Those are their words not mine. And Plenty of Fish just doesn't seem as high quality. It's a low-effort swipe app. So I got 100+ likes within a couple days but only a handful of messages. I've been more intentional about "my type" now that I know this is a long game.  So for POF, I just deleted the messages if they didn't have a college degree listed. (Vicious for Old Me where I felt I owed strangers on the internet an explanation.)

So Hinge comes out the victor. Even in my area and out of state, it's been better quality people. The plan is still to be done with app life by the end of the year. I don't have the mental capacity for it. It's a good alternate reality, but 2022, especially q1 will be physical darkness because it's winter and just work is going to ramp up. And I know I won't feel like getting out of the house.

I was motivated by two professional women my age and skin color that got married off dating apps this year, but again...when I try to do what others do... something bad happens. I don't get all the facts, just the success story. 

I don't know what my overarching goals are for 2022 other than FI.  I really can't think past that. It's the only one I can actively "control" in a way. I can't control who decides to like me, but I can "control" what I save. And I'm still learning my job, so it's a bit of an unknown. I was hopeful about getting back on MeetUp but just from browsing as a guest, there were not many active groups. So socializing is definitely not at the top of any lists. 

That's enough rambling, this post took a different turn. It was meant to be a light and breezy update. 

Happy Thanksgiving! 

2022 Working Budget and Life Notes

Hello!

I decided to make my proposed budget sometime last week when I was avoiding work. I can only copy and paste images these days as the chart runs off the margins.

Here's a snipped of what it looks like next year! For more details, check out My Working Budget Page.

Notes

No huge changes for 2022. My mind is all over the place in-terms of FIRE. Sometimes it's all I think about. Sometimes I'm too scared to even think about the possibility of reaching FIRE because I don't have a solid plan for what happens next. 

In terms of actual money changes, I think just my approach was different. In the past, I set out with this is what my net pay is, what looks reasonable to spend. Usually I do half of that or try to stay around $30k and then from there see if what is leftover to save is reasonable to save without feeling like I'm scrimping too much.

This time, with 3 years of pretty good data, I know that $30k/yr is pretty comfortable for me. Comparatively, my very stringent COVID Budget of $15k/yr got a little restrictive near the end of this year. More on that later.

As I was saying....this year, I think I went into it thinking I can probably live off $30k and buy any big items I've been waiting to buy with the leftovers.

Then the plan is to funnel the rest into auto-savings. It's still a bit aggressive but I don't mentally need as much of a cushion as I have in the past. The 401k after-tax has played a factor because that money never touches my checking/ savings account. I never see it.

I'd thought long and hard about that and whether I wanted to keep doing that. I thought maybe I should give myself the flexibility to just invest in a brokerage. But the after tax 401k works better for me psychologically. It's one less choice I have to make. It's one less click and psychologically not seeing the money, just removes it as an option. I have to work around it. 

I know this is beneficial to me because right now, things are a bit tight in terms of cash-flow. I had some big payments made out to family and some bank bonuses that have my money artificially tied up. And had any extra money been left in a savings account, it might be up for consideration. But it's not. It's a little vexing for me, but ultimately will help me reach my goals.

Same for some certificates I have as a safety net. I personally do that for the same reason. I just want to remove them as option. I was thinking about either keeping them in a regular savings account since the interest rates are so dismal in the certificates or moving them into investing. Well, moving them to a regular savings account again means they're up for consideration when I'm in a jam which I don't want. Second, moving them to investment accounts defeats the purpose of having a cushion. While I was getting anxious to just get to FIRE as soon as possible I was reminded via A Purple Life and Root of Good blogs that you need that cash cushion in case the market dives. Duh. Sometimes I know stuff but just need gentle reminders. 

This is why I need to go to church! 

As for the budget, that's pretty much it. I realistically set my spending target to $30k/yr. Maybe this year, I'll finally get a couch. I  don't have any big trips planned so we'll see how the year goes.  I guess $4k isn't too much of a cushion all things considered, but I choose not to be too worried about it.

In other news, I woke up with this strong feeling to fall in love. I knew this is what the holiday season brings me but alas I have no remedy. 

But without thinking too hard about all this year has brought me, I know I'll just have to get through this safely. 

I don't want to take too much time reflecting on this year, but with co-workers already starting their annual leave, it's hard not to.

So briefly, I will say...

Work - WOW! what a rollercoaster. I can't believe I finally left my old boss that I thought I loved so much. The more time passes the less strongly I feel about her. I remember in August when I was so hurt and felt only strong negative emotions. Now I giggle a bit at how that team was run. Man, feelings really suck when they only confuse you and cause you to feel bad. I was so hurt and confused, I questioned my entire existence...over a rando woman that I literally never met in person. I still occasionally creep her calendar but more out of being nosy and to gossip with another colleague.  I used to know what I would say if I ever saw her or if another spot opened up but I'm so far removed that I really don't even have anything prepared.

On friends - Hmmm. Not much has changed there. Even in my current fog of nostalgia, it's easier than it has been to resist the urge to reach out to every living soul because I'm so hungry for a little tenderness or kindness or verbal affirmation. 

I already matter. God's love is enough. It always has been. We are just on an enduring path. And I have to be grateful for that. Somehow being comforted that I missed my destiny makes things easier (and harder). Harder only because it makes a lot of things seem like - what's the point. 

But I have these epiphany moments of: try to enjoy God anyway! He's more like a friend now. Like, God, can you imagine MERJ is still doing her foolishness. That girl!

There's just less pressure to get it completely right.

The only thing I don't know is what happened to the prodigal son? Do you get a redemption tour with God? Or is it once the destiny is lost, your life is always second-best. I mean look at how we ended up on Earth instead of Paradise. So I guess I answered my own question. Once you lose paradise, you're kind of stuck on Earth.  With the humans. 

I still can't believe knowing that, my aunt was so kind and good to me and my siblings. Why would she take care of us? When life is so hard and expensive! 

Further Reflections

I don't cry so much anymore. I'm learning what to do with the silence because with or without FIRE there is a lot of it. 

I know in my heart the fight for romance is a fruitless one. The juice isn't worth the squeeze, as they say. It's just a bad habit I need to break. God is enough. 

I find myself holding my breath a little. FIRE is so close, I can taste it. But I'm scared to believe it. My story generally ends in some sort of tragedy, so I'm not expecting an outcome like Root of Good or A Purple Life. I'm just not sure how bad it actually is going to be. 

Mean Brain and Life Updates

 Mean Brain has been keeping me up at night with 'what-if' ruminations. We already know I believe I missed my destiny when I was tested at age 17. 

I've been wondering lately if that also included my long-lost love. If God is Love, it just is amazing to me that romance is so distorted and gross these days. But maybe because God is not Romance? I don't know. 

Was Romance invented by the devil to make us seekers of flesh? I don't think so, at least not for me. Romance for me is kindness not sexy time. But maybe it's been distorted so much that the two are now forever intertwined. I wonder what my life would be like if I had never watched a Disney movie or rom-com?

Does a modern woman need a cave man? Does anyone need anything or anyone but God.

Anyway, I was pretty sick yesterday and it is in those moments I wish I had a friend all my own. I don't. I am comforted that I know for a fact this feeling of wanting will go away; it's been a fair weather friend way too long. Of all the things I can overcome, a longing for a love-friend is certainly one. 

But yes, the second dose of the vaccine made for a bad day on Wednesday. I couldn't sleep Tuesday night because my arm was so tender. I had this strange pain that went up my shoulder up to my neck. I woke up tired, with a side splitting headache and low-grade fever. That was coupled with chills and sweats until nightfall. I ended up taking 8 ibuprofen. Unfortunately for me, I have a looming deadline this week. My work is hard.

It just feels like I'm studying for finals. There's so much material to weed through and consolidate. Without saying it out loud, I secretly hate it. 

Side note - someone on the meeting I'm on just said they've been on lockdown for 2 years since they have 2 kids aged 2 and under. Same, sir, same! Well until this month when I felt like what the heck!! I think the pressure of the apps made me reconsider. How is everyone out and about. And really my family didn't help because they gather and have fun. So it's not all the apps, but it definitely played a part. 

I do wish I had waited until 2022 as I originally planned. Although I'm staying on the apps, allegedly, until end of year, I already can't wait to get off. Like I already knew, these "relationships" have added no value to my life. 

For 2022, I am recommitting to a simple life. It'll be 2 years since my parents died, so I really need to move on with my life without an emotional safety net.

In meeting all these new people, it's made me slightly more introspective of my life. Namely, what am I doing in this horrible town. I think part of why I've been hesitating with getting a washer/dryer and couch is because I'm not totally committed to this life as I thought. And those are such big purchases. They feel permanent. But at this point, I think, what choice do I have? Geez louise, it's like being in the apartment again at lease renewal period. One thing I was hoping to avoid!!

This absolutely is not where I want to live. I 100% underestimated the psychological burden of living in the hood. It sucks. But what's my next move? 

Also I estimated my new student loan payment yesterday, and it looks like it will be closer to $800/mon. Yikes! My monthly payment went up by almost double and my salary sure didn't.

Okay, I'm just all over the place today. 

I just don't know - is the mistake moving here or staying in my old neighborhood?

Oh, some more thoughts on the simple life. I think this push for new friendships/(platonic) relationships is definitely going to be put to rest. I will try to pursue interests outside the house but with altruistic intent not necessarily to make new friends. If I can get through 2 years of COVID isolation with no real friends, I think the rest of my life should be fine. That's for you, Mean Brain. 

So, yeah, stop putting pressure on yourself, Self. I don't know what to do about washer/dryer. The reason this is seemingly urgent is because I have these reward points at work that I can cash out for gift cards. I was going to get Lowe's gift cards to get a washer/dryer, the alternative is maybe a couch or just getting gift cards that I can resell for a higher value than Lowe's. And those points expire in Feb/March 2022. 

But where God and I butt heads is I need answers now and he just kind of lets things unfold over decades. 

Bad Dates are Not Good Experiences

 Bad dates are not good experiences is what has been on my mind, but I really have little else to say about it. Same old song and dance for me. I generally do not subscribe to the school of thought that you have to make your own mistakes. I don't think any of the lessons learned from bad dates are particularly useful unless you find yourself on another bad date.

Suffice to say, I've had additional interactions with strange men on the internet via dating apps. None have ended in my long lost love. Shocker.

Without calling time of death, I think my time on the apps is mentally ended. I think I will officially delete the adulting apps by next Wednesday. Currently, the plan is to keep the regular dating app until end of year. Who knows why anymore? A good three month trial? 

I can't make up my mind on which state I want to search in - NC, DC, or WA. So I keep switching. I think after a month of bad "dates" (mostly virtual) in NC, I was kind of done. Then I thought about where I might find the profile of the guy I'm looking for - smart, successful, nerd with low beauty expectations. Seattle! There's techy guys there, right? I feel like they'd be more likely to use a dating app, right? Logical, simple? They might be more likely to take it slow right... being nerdy and introverted right? 

I did initially get a lot of matches, much like when I first joined in my area, but after learning I was out of state, the conversations didn't last long.

So I vacillated between DC and NC. Meh. 

Some things I'm learning:

 - I still prefer Hinge because I can choose my location and it has a video and audio call feature which means I never have to give my phone number and can push for a virtual date as opposed to meeting in person

- I have learned to trust my red flags. I want to say I'm a good judge of character, but I'm really not. I just have a lot of alarm bells. And so far, no one has proven me wrong in real life. It's more likely, that I'll think someone is nice and they turn out to be evil than the other way around. I've never met someone I thought was terrible and I turned out to be wrong.  

- But like a dumb NiceGirl, I have tended to want to give people 100th chances (not just 2). That has to stop. I need to figure out what my dating Persona is. It can't be Corporate NiceGirl where everyone is amazing, but it can't be feisty girl either where everything is verbally criticized. No one likes that girl. There are honestly more things that are palatable after you get to know someone than when you first meet them. No one wants to peel the onion or crack a hard shell. Myself included.

- I think I went into online dating with no boundaries or sense of online-self. As a result, I kept crafting it and questioning myself as I went along. I just had been blissfully unaware of the predators. I know, you'd think a true crime tv watcher like myself would know better. Ha! There's your warning ladies, degrees don't protect you from predators. They can smell your loneliness and vulnerability before you even meet them. An online dating app is the perfect hunting ground for women with their guard slightly down. Because there are no rules! And no real accountability!!

- So we know why I've been unsuccessful - I am out of my depth in a playing ground with no rules!!

Other lessons learned. 

I decided my ideal (read: realistic) age for a mate was 52. They've just crossed 50s so there might be the same sense of desperation as a single woman nearing 40.

However, one of the things I learned from watching Married at First Sight is so think about what other traits your "ideal prototype" might also have. For example - a conservative man might want a more traditional wife, etc. A successful man might not prioritize a relationship.

What I'm finding in my small sample of men over 50 is:

- They're divorced (so I'm always curious about their divorce story; the good thing is they are better trained; but that also means you weren't their first love; and they just might be slightly more hateful and guarded)

- Usually have kids (if they don't, I almost question it)

- They suddenly have this burst of energy (so that means you are their next adventure and they likely don't want a homebody like myself)

- If they're single and dating a woman in her 30s... again they are looking to live a life with more adventure (while exciting, what the heck were you doing in your 20s to 40s; when I reflect, I've kinda done my traveling, and I am looking to nest and coast to death, even if that means no kids. I don't see myself wanting to take more than 1 or 2 big adventure trips a year, sorry!)

But the thing is, it's really so hard to know what you will want 6 months or 6 years from now. 6 years ago you couldn't have paid me to work or visit the area I live in now, and here we are. 

- Some seem to still place a high value on looks (this actually is contrary to why I would want to be with an older guy; I wanted to go low effort on physical appearance) 

- They tend to hate women (they've had enough bad experiences, that they're a bit jaded, so to me it's almost scary... like when will their hatefulness come to light)

- If they date outside their race, they ONLY date outside their race now, after their divorce or bad break up  ( I find it very odd. The issue of race inevitably comes up and I haven't found one conversation about it that didn't make me squirmy)

Something about men my age doesn't appeal to me. I think I just view them as all being like my Racist Friend or my brother (aka irresponsible and difficult to reason with). 

So like all failed online dating app users, I'm looking for my unicorn:

- Age 47+

- Smart

- Financially Successful

- College educated

- DOES NOT HATE WOMEN

- Never married, no kids

- Dates women of all races

Given the prospects of finding this unicorn, most of these things are negotiable, but it's easy to forget that when you're online and the possibilities falsely seem endless.  Mostly I just want someone nice who wants to be my boyfriend. 

Also I didn't realize thanksgiving was next week. So much for having a holiday boyfriend! Sigh, I think that's why mentally this has been moved off my plate.

One thing that has worked and I hope to keep up throughout the season... keeping devices outside of the bedroom. As we saw last year, because of the cool weather, I tend to prefer spending as much time as possible under the covers. It's heavenly. I also got into the habit of just clicking around on the apps or on the internet as soon as I woke up or the show I was watching got boring.

But I don't like that anymore. I need to detach and basically ramp down  any hope of finding someone by the end of the year. 

Work

The elephant in the room. I just wish my work was something I was faster and better at. I wish it were something that sure I put off, but could knock it out in 2 good hours of work. But for whatever reason, I just try to pretend it's not happening. 

Other than that, wow! This year seemed tough and I made so many mental plans to get out of it as soon as possible. Yet, it now feels like it's careening to the end and I'm feeling a little lost.

I think earlier in the year when I was indescribably unhappy and stressed, I was at times sure December was the end date to look forward to. And I would just stay for the March 2022 bonus payout and find my way out of here. Then realistically, this got pushed to July 2022 so I could save 1 year's FIRE expenses in cash. 

I had to look at some old notes because all I had in my mind was that I was out of here by March 2022. But July 2022 pretty much seems like a year away. The implications of that is that it'll be harder to skate by without doing much work for another 7-8 months, so I might actually have to learn this job.

I have to be honest, I have thought about going back to call center work - either with my current company or with another. 

So yeah, I've been all over the place.

Ruminating thoughts

- So I guess, I really am never going to fall in love or know what it's like to be in a relationship (is that so bad, that's pretty much half of my aunts and uncles; I think that's why I just wanted something casual and fun but then it felt like I was selling myself short... can you be casual and fun and still in love.. I don't want to do marriage-work... I don't necessarily want to build anything... I just want something safe, casual, and fun for a little companionship outside of work and alone time)

- How do I do this job?

- Do I want another job (not really)

- What the heck happens next?

- Do I want to move? Is my neighborhood worse than I let myself believe? How safe do I feel here?

- What the heck happens next??? (Yes, this is on here multiple times)

- What do I do now?

In This Moment, I Am Happy

 I just wanted to document a happy moment. I spent so many moments on the blog dumping out my anxiety. I'm sitting in my warm comfy bed after a day of PTO with my windows open. The night air is cool. It was sunny and warm today.

I woke up at 4:30a at a hotel on the beach with my relatives. I drove back to NC without incident. Listened to my CD player. I got gas at a random gas station (also without incident) at around 5a. I had money for gas. I had a car to put the gas in. I had legs and arms and eyes (with help of glasses) to do the actual task of filling my tank (and driving). 

I didn't have to take any meds or get assistance. I'm sure there's not 37 more years left that I'll be able to write this exact same post (but maybe).

I came home and far as I can tell, my house is still in tact. 

I parked my car that I own in front of the house that is still standing that I mortgage.

I took a warm shower. Wrapped in a clean towel. Put on some mildly priced lavendar lotion. Put on my warm robe and climbed into bed. 

On the way home from the beach, I stopped and bought bacon just because I wanted some.

I made scrambled eggs and baked bacon. I climbed back into my bed. Watched the latest episodes of Big Brother using a subscription to Paramount Plus that I treated myself to at the beginning of my vacation. 

It's been a spendy 4th quarter since October and this vacation week continued the trend. But it's okay. That's a problem for another day.

When I got hungry during the afternoon, I ordered 2 dishes from my new favorite African food restaurant. One was a dish I'd starred so  I could remember to try. 

It was tasty!

On the way home, I bought some more yummy staples to complement the second dish. I put one of the frozen items in the stand up freezer I bought last year because of the pandemic as a convenience item. 

I also bought chocolates on the second trip to the grocery store. I just ate a truffle before sitting down to type up this blog post.

I love a cool evening after a sunny day! 

This is my kind of Fall Weather.

So yes, today, in this moment, I am happy. My stomach is full. I am adequately housed and the temperature is just so. 

Money made almost everything today possible. (But so did love and support of my family and humans in general in all the days before. )

That is all. 

Feelings

 This weather is really bringing me down. I got up after 8a today because it was so dark and cold. Remember in summer when it was hard to stay asleep after 6a when the sun was beckoning me awake.

They say you don't need more sleep just because it's dark, but can someone tell my body that.  Can't we just move with nature. 

Feelings

- Co-worker being disagreeable makes me wonder if we are friends? Do we even get along? What do we have in common? 

- Co-worker making $10k more than me. Makes me feel like why do I even try? Her degree cost less than mine. 

- Racist Friend didn't call me back. How dare he? Why won't you love me? (Duh, he's a racist friend, dumb-dumb)

- Work is hard. Ugh, should I just quit? 

- No long lost love on the apps. Should I just give up now?

- What the heck is my budget for next year? Am I really quitting? If so when? 

- Weird creepy dream. Should I get off Ashley Madison app. Too many x-rated thoughts. 

- Seems like I'll "just" get to $450k this year. Is that now my FIRE number? When do I quit?

- What exactly is the plan here? 

- Do I give up on people? (Is there really any more to give up on?)

- Again, what exactly is the plan here?

That's the thing with feelings. Fighting them is hard. Giving into them is confusing because once the strong feelings dissipate, then what?

- Is this job too hard and mentally taxing? Should I find another job? Do I need another job? 

- Am I really ready to FIRE? Is anything ever as climactic as you think it would be? 

I think I want to FIRE by choice not circumstance or bad feelings. Is that too much to ask?

- Are these sad feelings weather-related or app-related. Should I get off the apps now or wait till end of year? Am I benefitting from being on the apps or just frustrated and rejected?

- What is next for me? 

Part of me is just inclined to ride this wave until the next speed bump. If the Dinosaur can hang on for 20 years, can I? How good do I actually have to be at this job? And how long is it supposed to take? 

I need some new goals, objectives, and direction. 

We All Need a Little Tenderness...

 ...how can love survive. I'm reminded of the song, The Heart of the Matter, the India Arie cover. 

I already knew these feelings would be abundant this time of the year. I don't know if it's the cozy cold weather or the holidays and their holiday feels but I am in the thick of it. I literally only want to love, be loved, and be in love.

Luckily, they should pass by the end of the year when I'm faced with just another blustery dry winter. 

I can't seem to get into work. Did I mention how much I don't like writing for money. Even though I'm a technical writer, there is still a mindset I have to get into in order to write. Waking up at 8a on a chilly Fall morning is not that mindset. 

All I want to do is make some hot food and get back in bed. Maybe watch a movie. And snuggle and fall in love!

I feel 12.

Ugh, Feelings, why you do me so dirty. 

Well, I slimmed down my apps after my minor internal meltdown this weekend.

I'm down to

2 Adulting sites

-Seeking Arrangement

-Ashley Madison

Both of which I've picked new locales for.

Slim pickings and slim interests.

Part of me is still hoping to re-connect with my Old Online Lover but alas I think he has ghosted/dumped me / moved on. Oh well. It was fun while it lasted.

And then 2 regular dating apps

Coffee Meets Bagel - A bunch of African guys are messaging me

Hinge - I switched cities to DC - more black guys. 

I'll say it because where, if not the internet, can you spew your darkest thoughts as though it won't be recorded forever to haunt you right when you are about to accomplish your dreams. Luckily, for me, I have no dreams except the one left conjured up by Mean Brain.

On the Adulting apps, I think the taboo nature of it makes it exciting. One of the Normals on there actually admitted this was part of the appeal. Spelling out your wildest fantasies. It's a fantasy world. Honestly to me, it's things I feel people should be able to tell their partners. I'd like to think, if I had a loving partner, I'd be able to share and do those things with that person. I compartmentalize pretty well. But it must be this impossible task because the app has like millions of users. 

Anyway, same with dating outside your race.

Something about it seems exciting. Guys that look like me are generally attracted to me and if I just wanted to be married, it would have happened by now.

But crossing race lines even in 2021 is still exciting to me. Maybe because it's a bit taboo and doesn't really happen often to girls that look like me. I also think it makes it feel special somehow. You know I love love. I love romance. I want to feel special. It's actually a turn off when the guy tells me he has dated outside his race before. I'm like ugh... so I'm just like the others. 

I want to be someone's first something. 

Like dating someone with kids or an ex-wife. I'm just not that into it. At least not by choice. 

Again, if I had a friendly co-worker I got to know, things would be different, but when you're on the apps, we all want that elusive thing it feels like.

So yeah, I think there's also something alluring about dating someone in the culture of power who is willing to be softened by love. That is magnetizing to me. 

It's like the love story of all time. 

I mean it's how all the great love stories were written. A little taboo. A little danger. A little clash of classes. A little breaking of the rules. I want that. 

I want a rich white man to dote on me and only have eyes for me. There, I said it. That's my fantasy. 

But this is reality. 

So like the 40 years before me, I'll enter the next year alone and wanting. 

But luckily, I don't have forty years left to go. Phew.  

Is She A Baddie Though?

 On the apps again!

I am feeling all the feelings. I literally want to call everyone I've ever met and ask them what's up! So I guess the apps are a fine substitute. But the impatience beast rears up which means when I don't get any bites, I'm either joining new apps or changing my location.

Some fun notes about Ashley Madison

We all know when I first joined in NC, it was a lot of fun. I met a lot of people and had a lot of interactions. That's what led to me thinking I could be a sugar baby. Super fail. 

So I changed my location to Houston. Minimal hits.

Then I tried Bay Area, CA. More fun, more respectable. 

Then LA. Almost nothing. 

I think right now I'm back on the East Coast. 

As of this writing, my 3 regulars have all but dropped me.

My Online Love - has completely gone No Contact.

The Australian Oldie - 1 message since I've been back. (Um I was politely removed by AM administrators for "soliciting," i.e. I said gift me on CashApp.)

The 3rd - was hot and heavy over the weekend, then just small talk the last couple of days. I guess that's the work week.

Seeking Arrangement / What's Your Price

After only 1 bid on WYP, I deleted my profile. I actually forgot my log-in information so had to log-out and then request password to log back in to request deletion. Fun.

I want to delete my Seeking Arrangement profile because I've only had like 3 hits other than pic requests. But I've changed my cities from NC, to CA, (TX?), Atlanta... I don't even remember where I am right now. Two reasons - I don't want people on regular dating apps to see me and my lies (1 already did) and I want to see what else is out there. So far, that's going nowhere. I should just delete it but I don't know what's stopping me. Because duh- how cool would that be!!

Oh speaking of sugaring, I've tried to convert a couple people from Ashley Madison into some sort of arrangement and have been flat out denied. Super fail.

Turns out Adulting for Money was much harder than I thought. It almost became like a job (which I hate). But somehow, the denials are feuling my fire - like now this is a puzzle I have to solve! So we'll see.

The Other Apps

After saying I was only focusing on trying to be a Sugar Baby, I got rid of the regular dating apps. But after a couple days of nothing and minimal attention on the sugar sites, I gave in. I rejoined the regulat dating app world with vigor. I joined:

Hinge (for the 8th time haha)

Coffee Meets Bagel

E-Harmony

Match

I thought there were more.??

Hinge by far has the best looking dudes. But unlike the first couple times I joined, no hits so far. I changed cities this morning to the Bay Area. I feel like although I live in the Southeast, I'm pretty open to moving. But then when I think about it too long, I'm kind of not. The whole thing is just so moody for me. I'm inconsistent with what my goals are. But how can you be consistent on an experience that's entirely based on feelings. 

Sometimes I feel like talking to people, and sometimes I don't. 

Like me, everyone thinks they can do better. I think there are definitely people on there who if I were friends with first could easily progress into a romantic relationship. However on the apps, it's kind of like why bother when there's a chance I might find exactly what I want. Ha! The chance is minimal, sweetheart (barf, I realize I hate when strange men call me pet names). 

I think my most basic goal is to distract myself from all the holiday feels! But in the process, have to be careful not to fall down a negative spiral from all the rejection.  I feel both distracted and alone. Because why am I at #almost40 looking to strangers on the internet to keep me company. Tragic.  Or maybe not. I could be just as alone sitting on the couch with no strangers on the internet to keep me company. So I choose the first one.

The other issue is - do I treat it like a job interview...where I play NiceGirl (TM) or be myself where I say hateful things and reveal my true personality. I think for the cute ones, play Nice and see where it goes. For the others, be candid. Might as well get it out now. I hate to be rejected  while playing a character. 

I kind of want to delete Match and E-Harmony because their paywall kind of ruins the fun. And surprisingly even after a couple days (albeit a Sunday and Monday), I've gotten zero interst on e-harmony! Shocker!!

What do I even want? I want some smooches! I want some romance! I want to get out of the Never Been Kissed pool. What's it like to be kissed by someone you love?! (Or even like!)

Then I wake up and it's cold outside and I think the last thing I want to do is leave this house. Then it gets dark between 6 and 7p and I think the last thing I want to do is leave this house.

Does this exercise require a little bit of brainstorming, focus, and purpose. Or should I keep letting feelings dictate my actions??

Oh and then there's work. Ugh. I don't know what I'm doing which makes me want to quit work. No surprises there. I'm almost scared. FIRE is not quite the furthest thing from my mind as my actual deliverable (and the apps) is taking up a lot of my mental space, but what exactly happens next.

Somehow with all my guardrails and goals, I still feel lost. 

What exactly happens next?

I remember I don't like writing for money, so how did I end up in a writing job??

If I somehow get good at this job - do I stay?

If I somehow suck at this job - when do I leave? 

I had kind of resigned myself to enjoying the rest of 2021 because I thought my project was delayed so I'm finding it incredibly difficult to get motivated to do a hard job. Grrr.

Account balances have stalled. I was hoping to be a little closer to my FIRE goal by year's end, but since September, it looks like it might be a close call. 

Oh I finally got my first vaccine shot! I'm glad I did it when I did because I literally feel like doing nothing for the rest of the year. 

This is the period of the year where I reflect the most. How can you not when the year is ending. We think in years. I used to think in academic years, and sometimes I still do. But when I look back on this year and the remainder of it, it's been such a ride. 

It's still a push to make it to the end of the year but for different reasons.