Is She A Baddie Though?

 On the apps again!

I am feeling all the feelings. I literally want to call everyone I've ever met and ask them what's up! So I guess the apps are a fine substitute. But the impatience beast rears up which means when I don't get any bites, I'm either joining new apps or changing my location.

Some fun notes about Ashley Madison

We all know when I first joined in NC, it was a lot of fun. I met a lot of people and had a lot of interactions. That's what led to me thinking I could be a sugar baby. Super fail. 

So I changed my location to Houston. Minimal hits.

Then I tried Bay Area, CA. More fun, more respectable. 

Then LA. Almost nothing. 

I think right now I'm back on the East Coast. 

As of this writing, my 3 regulars have all but dropped me.

My Online Love - has completely gone No Contact.

The Australian Oldie - 1 message since I've been back. (Um I was politely removed by AM administrators for "soliciting," i.e. I said gift me on CashApp.)

The 3rd - was hot and heavy over the weekend, then just small talk the last couple of days. I guess that's the work week.

Seeking Arrangement / What's Your Price

After only 1 bid on WYP, I deleted my profile. I actually forgot my log-in information so had to log-out and then request password to log back in to request deletion. Fun.

I want to delete my Seeking Arrangement profile because I've only had like 3 hits other than pic requests. But I've changed my cities from NC, to CA, (TX?), Atlanta... I don't even remember where I am right now. Two reasons - I don't want people on regular dating apps to see me and my lies (1 already did) and I want to see what else is out there. So far, that's going nowhere. I should just delete it but I don't know what's stopping me. Because duh- how cool would that be!!

Oh speaking of sugaring, I've tried to convert a couple people from Ashley Madison into some sort of arrangement and have been flat out denied. Super fail.

Turns out Adulting for Money was much harder than I thought. It almost became like a job (which I hate). But somehow, the denials are feuling my fire - like now this is a puzzle I have to solve! So we'll see.

The Other Apps

After saying I was only focusing on trying to be a Sugar Baby, I got rid of the regular dating apps. But after a couple days of nothing and minimal attention on the sugar sites, I gave in. I rejoined the regulat dating app world with vigor. I joined:

Hinge (for the 8th time haha)

Coffee Meets Bagel

E-Harmony

Match

I thought there were more.??

Hinge by far has the best looking dudes. But unlike the first couple times I joined, no hits so far. I changed cities this morning to the Bay Area. I feel like although I live in the Southeast, I'm pretty open to moving. But then when I think about it too long, I'm kind of not. The whole thing is just so moody for me. I'm inconsistent with what my goals are. But how can you be consistent on an experience that's entirely based on feelings. 

Sometimes I feel like talking to people, and sometimes I don't. 

Like me, everyone thinks they can do better. I think there are definitely people on there who if I were friends with first could easily progress into a romantic relationship. However on the apps, it's kind of like why bother when there's a chance I might find exactly what I want. Ha! The chance is minimal, sweetheart (barf, I realize I hate when strange men call me pet names). 

I think my most basic goal is to distract myself from all the holiday feels! But in the process, have to be careful not to fall down a negative spiral from all the rejection.  I feel both distracted and alone. Because why am I at #almost40 looking to strangers on the internet to keep me company. Tragic.  Or maybe not. I could be just as alone sitting on the couch with no strangers on the internet to keep me company. So I choose the first one.

The other issue is - do I treat it like a job interview...where I play NiceGirl (TM) or be myself where I say hateful things and reveal my true personality. I think for the cute ones, play Nice and see where it goes. For the others, be candid. Might as well get it out now. I hate to be rejected  while playing a character. 

I kind of want to delete Match and E-Harmony because their paywall kind of ruins the fun. And surprisingly even after a couple days (albeit a Sunday and Monday), I've gotten zero interst on e-harmony! Shocker!!

What do I even want? I want some smooches! I want some romance! I want to get out of the Never Been Kissed pool. What's it like to be kissed by someone you love?! (Or even like!)

Then I wake up and it's cold outside and I think the last thing I want to do is leave this house. Then it gets dark between 6 and 7p and I think the last thing I want to do is leave this house.

Does this exercise require a little bit of brainstorming, focus, and purpose. Or should I keep letting feelings dictate my actions??

Oh and then there's work. Ugh. I don't know what I'm doing which makes me want to quit work. No surprises there. I'm almost scared. FIRE is not quite the furthest thing from my mind as my actual deliverable (and the apps) is taking up a lot of my mental space, but what exactly happens next.

Somehow with all my guardrails and goals, I still feel lost. 

What exactly happens next?

I remember I don't like writing for money, so how did I end up in a writing job??

If I somehow get good at this job - do I stay?

If I somehow suck at this job - when do I leave? 

I had kind of resigned myself to enjoying the rest of 2021 because I thought my project was delayed so I'm finding it incredibly difficult to get motivated to do a hard job. Grrr.

Account balances have stalled. I was hoping to be a little closer to my FIRE goal by year's end, but since September, it looks like it might be a close call. 

Oh I finally got my first vaccine shot! I'm glad I did it when I did because I literally feel like doing nothing for the rest of the year. 

This is the period of the year where I reflect the most. How can you not when the year is ending. We think in years. I used to think in academic years, and sometimes I still do. But when I look back on this year and the remainder of it, it's been such a ride. 

It's still a push to make it to the end of the year but for different reasons.