Bad Dates are Not Good Experiences

 Bad dates are not good experiences is what has been on my mind, but I really have little else to say about it. Same old song and dance for me. I generally do not subscribe to the school of thought that you have to make your own mistakes. I don't think any of the lessons learned from bad dates are particularly useful unless you find yourself on another bad date.

Suffice to say, I've had additional interactions with strange men on the internet via dating apps. None have ended in my long lost love. Shocker.

Without calling time of death, I think my time on the apps is mentally ended. I think I will officially delete the adulting apps by next Wednesday. Currently, the plan is to keep the regular dating app until end of year. Who knows why anymore? A good three month trial? 

I can't make up my mind on which state I want to search in - NC, DC, or WA. So I keep switching. I think after a month of bad "dates" (mostly virtual) in NC, I was kind of done. Then I thought about where I might find the profile of the guy I'm looking for - smart, successful, nerd with low beauty expectations. Seattle! There's techy guys there, right? I feel like they'd be more likely to use a dating app, right? Logical, simple? They might be more likely to take it slow right... being nerdy and introverted right? 

I did initially get a lot of matches, much like when I first joined in my area, but after learning I was out of state, the conversations didn't last long.

So I vacillated between DC and NC. Meh. 

Some things I'm learning:

 - I still prefer Hinge because I can choose my location and it has a video and audio call feature which means I never have to give my phone number and can push for a virtual date as opposed to meeting in person

- I have learned to trust my red flags. I want to say I'm a good judge of character, but I'm really not. I just have a lot of alarm bells. And so far, no one has proven me wrong in real life. It's more likely, that I'll think someone is nice and they turn out to be evil than the other way around. I've never met someone I thought was terrible and I turned out to be wrong.  

- But like a dumb NiceGirl, I have tended to want to give people 100th chances (not just 2). That has to stop. I need to figure out what my dating Persona is. It can't be Corporate NiceGirl where everyone is amazing, but it can't be feisty girl either where everything is verbally criticized. No one likes that girl. There are honestly more things that are palatable after you get to know someone than when you first meet them. No one wants to peel the onion or crack a hard shell. Myself included.

- I think I went into online dating with no boundaries or sense of online-self. As a result, I kept crafting it and questioning myself as I went along. I just had been blissfully unaware of the predators. I know, you'd think a true crime tv watcher like myself would know better. Ha! There's your warning ladies, degrees don't protect you from predators. They can smell your loneliness and vulnerability before you even meet them. An online dating app is the perfect hunting ground for women with their guard slightly down. Because there are no rules! And no real accountability!!

- So we know why I've been unsuccessful - I am out of my depth in a playing ground with no rules!!

Other lessons learned. 

I decided my ideal (read: realistic) age for a mate was 52. They've just crossed 50s so there might be the same sense of desperation as a single woman nearing 40.

However, one of the things I learned from watching Married at First Sight is so think about what other traits your "ideal prototype" might also have. For example - a conservative man might want a more traditional wife, etc. A successful man might not prioritize a relationship.

What I'm finding in my small sample of men over 50 is:

- They're divorced (so I'm always curious about their divorce story; the good thing is they are better trained; but that also means you weren't their first love; and they just might be slightly more hateful and guarded)

- Usually have kids (if they don't, I almost question it)

- They suddenly have this burst of energy (so that means you are their next adventure and they likely don't want a homebody like myself)

- If they're single and dating a woman in her 30s... again they are looking to live a life with more adventure (while exciting, what the heck were you doing in your 20s to 40s; when I reflect, I've kinda done my traveling, and I am looking to nest and coast to death, even if that means no kids. I don't see myself wanting to take more than 1 or 2 big adventure trips a year, sorry!)

But the thing is, it's really so hard to know what you will want 6 months or 6 years from now. 6 years ago you couldn't have paid me to work or visit the area I live in now, and here we are. 

- Some seem to still place a high value on looks (this actually is contrary to why I would want to be with an older guy; I wanted to go low effort on physical appearance) 

- They tend to hate women (they've had enough bad experiences, that they're a bit jaded, so to me it's almost scary... like when will their hatefulness come to light)

- If they date outside their race, they ONLY date outside their race now, after their divorce or bad break up  ( I find it very odd. The issue of race inevitably comes up and I haven't found one conversation about it that didn't make me squirmy)

Something about men my age doesn't appeal to me. I think I just view them as all being like my Racist Friend or my brother (aka irresponsible and difficult to reason with). 

So like all failed online dating app users, I'm looking for my unicorn:

- Age 47+

- Smart

- Financially Successful

- College educated

- DOES NOT HATE WOMEN

- Never married, no kids

- Dates women of all races

Given the prospects of finding this unicorn, most of these things are negotiable, but it's easy to forget that when you're online and the possibilities falsely seem endless.  Mostly I just want someone nice who wants to be my boyfriend. 

Also I didn't realize thanksgiving was next week. So much for having a holiday boyfriend! Sigh, I think that's why mentally this has been moved off my plate.

One thing that has worked and I hope to keep up throughout the season... keeping devices outside of the bedroom. As we saw last year, because of the cool weather, I tend to prefer spending as much time as possible under the covers. It's heavenly. I also got into the habit of just clicking around on the apps or on the internet as soon as I woke up or the show I was watching got boring.

But I don't like that anymore. I need to detach and basically ramp down  any hope of finding someone by the end of the year. 

Work

The elephant in the room. I just wish my work was something I was faster and better at. I wish it were something that sure I put off, but could knock it out in 2 good hours of work. But for whatever reason, I just try to pretend it's not happening. 

Other than that, wow! This year seemed tough and I made so many mental plans to get out of it as soon as possible. Yet, it now feels like it's careening to the end and I'm feeling a little lost.

I think earlier in the year when I was indescribably unhappy and stressed, I was at times sure December was the end date to look forward to. And I would just stay for the March 2022 bonus payout and find my way out of here. Then realistically, this got pushed to July 2022 so I could save 1 year's FIRE expenses in cash. 

I had to look at some old notes because all I had in my mind was that I was out of here by March 2022. But July 2022 pretty much seems like a year away. The implications of that is that it'll be harder to skate by without doing much work for another 7-8 months, so I might actually have to learn this job.

I have to be honest, I have thought about going back to call center work - either with my current company or with another. 

So yeah, I've been all over the place.

Ruminating thoughts

- So I guess, I really am never going to fall in love or know what it's like to be in a relationship (is that so bad, that's pretty much half of my aunts and uncles; I think that's why I just wanted something casual and fun but then it felt like I was selling myself short... can you be casual and fun and still in love.. I don't want to do marriage-work... I don't necessarily want to build anything... I just want something safe, casual, and fun for a little companionship outside of work and alone time)

- How do I do this job?

- Do I want another job (not really)

- What the heck happens next?

- Do I want to move? Is my neighborhood worse than I let myself believe? How safe do I feel here?

- What the heck happens next??? (Yes, this is on here multiple times)

- What do I do now?