Mean Brain and Life Updates

 Mean Brain has been keeping me up at night with 'what-if' ruminations. We already know I believe I missed my destiny when I was tested at age 17. 

I've been wondering lately if that also included my long-lost love. If God is Love, it just is amazing to me that romance is so distorted and gross these days. But maybe because God is not Romance? I don't know. 

Was Romance invented by the devil to make us seekers of flesh? I don't think so, at least not for me. Romance for me is kindness not sexy time. But maybe it's been distorted so much that the two are now forever intertwined. I wonder what my life would be like if I had never watched a Disney movie or rom-com?

Does a modern woman need a cave man? Does anyone need anything or anyone but God.

Anyway, I was pretty sick yesterday and it is in those moments I wish I had a friend all my own. I don't. I am comforted that I know for a fact this feeling of wanting will go away; it's been a fair weather friend way too long. Of all the things I can overcome, a longing for a love-friend is certainly one. 

But yes, the second dose of the vaccine made for a bad day on Wednesday. I couldn't sleep Tuesday night because my arm was so tender. I had this strange pain that went up my shoulder up to my neck. I woke up tired, with a side splitting headache and low-grade fever. That was coupled with chills and sweats until nightfall. I ended up taking 8 ibuprofen. Unfortunately for me, I have a looming deadline this week. My work is hard.

It just feels like I'm studying for finals. There's so much material to weed through and consolidate. Without saying it out loud, I secretly hate it. 

Side note - someone on the meeting I'm on just said they've been on lockdown for 2 years since they have 2 kids aged 2 and under. Same, sir, same! Well until this month when I felt like what the heck!! I think the pressure of the apps made me reconsider. How is everyone out and about. And really my family didn't help because they gather and have fun. So it's not all the apps, but it definitely played a part. 

I do wish I had waited until 2022 as I originally planned. Although I'm staying on the apps, allegedly, until end of year, I already can't wait to get off. Like I already knew, these "relationships" have added no value to my life. 

For 2022, I am recommitting to a simple life. It'll be 2 years since my parents died, so I really need to move on with my life without an emotional safety net.

In meeting all these new people, it's made me slightly more introspective of my life. Namely, what am I doing in this horrible town. I think part of why I've been hesitating with getting a washer/dryer and couch is because I'm not totally committed to this life as I thought. And those are such big purchases. They feel permanent. But at this point, I think, what choice do I have? Geez louise, it's like being in the apartment again at lease renewal period. One thing I was hoping to avoid!!

This absolutely is not where I want to live. I 100% underestimated the psychological burden of living in the hood. It sucks. But what's my next move? 

Also I estimated my new student loan payment yesterday, and it looks like it will be closer to $800/mon. Yikes! My monthly payment went up by almost double and my salary sure didn't.

Okay, I'm just all over the place today. 

I just don't know - is the mistake moving here or staying in my old neighborhood?

Oh, some more thoughts on the simple life. I think this push for new friendships/(platonic) relationships is definitely going to be put to rest. I will try to pursue interests outside the house but with altruistic intent not necessarily to make new friends. If I can get through 2 years of COVID isolation with no real friends, I think the rest of my life should be fine. That's for you, Mean Brain. 

So, yeah, stop putting pressure on yourself, Self. I don't know what to do about washer/dryer. The reason this is seemingly urgent is because I have these reward points at work that I can cash out for gift cards. I was going to get Lowe's gift cards to get a washer/dryer, the alternative is maybe a couch or just getting gift cards that I can resell for a higher value than Lowe's. And those points expire in Feb/March 2022. 

But where God and I butt heads is I need answers now and he just kind of lets things unfold over decades.