We All Need a Little Tenderness...

 ...how can love survive. I'm reminded of the song, The Heart of the Matter, the India Arie cover. 

I already knew these feelings would be abundant this time of the year. I don't know if it's the cozy cold weather or the holidays and their holiday feels but I am in the thick of it. I literally only want to love, be loved, and be in love.

Luckily, they should pass by the end of the year when I'm faced with just another blustery dry winter. 

I can't seem to get into work. Did I mention how much I don't like writing for money. Even though I'm a technical writer, there is still a mindset I have to get into in order to write. Waking up at 8a on a chilly Fall morning is not that mindset. 

All I want to do is make some hot food and get back in bed. Maybe watch a movie. And snuggle and fall in love!

I feel 12.

Ugh, Feelings, why you do me so dirty. 

Well, I slimmed down my apps after my minor internal meltdown this weekend.

I'm down to

2 Adulting sites

-Seeking Arrangement

-Ashley Madison

Both of which I've picked new locales for.

Slim pickings and slim interests.

Part of me is still hoping to re-connect with my Old Online Lover but alas I think he has ghosted/dumped me / moved on. Oh well. It was fun while it lasted.

And then 2 regular dating apps

Coffee Meets Bagel - A bunch of African guys are messaging me

Hinge - I switched cities to DC - more black guys. 

I'll say it because where, if not the internet, can you spew your darkest thoughts as though it won't be recorded forever to haunt you right when you are about to accomplish your dreams. Luckily, for me, I have no dreams except the one left conjured up by Mean Brain.

On the Adulting apps, I think the taboo nature of it makes it exciting. One of the Normals on there actually admitted this was part of the appeal. Spelling out your wildest fantasies. It's a fantasy world. Honestly to me, it's things I feel people should be able to tell their partners. I'd like to think, if I had a loving partner, I'd be able to share and do those things with that person. I compartmentalize pretty well. But it must be this impossible task because the app has like millions of users. 

Anyway, same with dating outside your race.

Something about it seems exciting. Guys that look like me are generally attracted to me and if I just wanted to be married, it would have happened by now.

But crossing race lines even in 2021 is still exciting to me. Maybe because it's a bit taboo and doesn't really happen often to girls that look like me. I also think it makes it feel special somehow. You know I love love. I love romance. I want to feel special. It's actually a turn off when the guy tells me he has dated outside his race before. I'm like ugh... so I'm just like the others. 

I want to be someone's first something. 

Like dating someone with kids or an ex-wife. I'm just not that into it. At least not by choice. 

Again, if I had a friendly co-worker I got to know, things would be different, but when you're on the apps, we all want that elusive thing it feels like.

So yeah, I think there's also something alluring about dating someone in the culture of power who is willing to be softened by love. That is magnetizing to me. 

It's like the love story of all time. 

I mean it's how all the great love stories were written. A little taboo. A little danger. A little clash of classes. A little breaking of the rules. I want that. 

I want a rich white man to dote on me and only have eyes for me. There, I said it. That's my fantasy. 

But this is reality. 

So like the 40 years before me, I'll enter the next year alone and wanting. 

But luckily, I don't have forty years left to go. Phew.