A Thanksgiving List (and some Grumbling)

 Oh what a day to be alive!

I was happy about an hour ago, but then I'm back to being moody. The Devil is soo good. I think he controls Mean Brain.

Anyway all the things I'm thankful for ...this year and maybe in general

• My beloved aunty that passed away. I 100% did not appreciate her when she was alive. I jsut thought of course you should take care of me. Didn't realize how much it's a choice every day, every minute and second to care for someone. I was well loved and didn't know it.
• My job. Being employed helps me reach my financial goals.
• Working from home. Writing out goals helped on this one. I have it in big font on my wall in my home office. When I look at it now....I'm amazed it came true. Plain and simple.
• Making 6 figures. This year will be the 2nd full year of making a six figure salary.
• Family. We're not as close as we could be or perhaps used to be, but they're there. 
• Financial stability. It's just nice. A friend mentioned how a $750 deductible for a car accident caused some drama in the family. I think someone had to take out a loan to help pay. That sucks. I'm at a place where that would be annoying but not a financial upset. That is nice. It's nice to recognize and acknowledge that. One of my last jobs before going to pharmacy school, I was making $18/hr and had a $300 dental bill that made me cry. It just felt so insurmountable. And this is as a single person with no kids still crashing on relatives' couches. 
• My boss is fine.
• I got away from my old boss. In hindsight, of course I'm remembering only the bad feelings. That's part of my healing process. I'll come back to neutral. But in the end, she hired me and I got the opportunity to work here and increase my salary by 30%.
• Streets, roads, a  place to live.
• Thanksgiving Spaghetti. I have a hot stove and money for my Thanskgiving meal. 
• Waffles. I made 2 kinds of waffles last night because I couldn't decide on which mix to buy. Well the Krusteaz mix was light and fluffy and sweet. I didn't really need syrup. The Food Lion blueberry mix was thick. Pretty much a pancake shaped like a waffle. I'm excited to make more. I can't decide if I want a thick and fluffy waffle dripping in syrup or a light and airy one. 
• The Internet. It's how I stay connected albeit lightly with the outside world.
• Television shows. These days it's where I find a lot of inspiration. It keeps me company. 
• My space heater. Can you imagine being homeless and cold.
• My body. Still works for the most part.
• All my many blessings!

Christmas Wishlist

- A Boyfriend for Christmas. It was a movie my aunt bought me one year for Christmas. It's actually a pretty sweet movie. But as I made fun of all my friends over the last decade for that strong burning desire they had to start a family and get married, I am in that place right now. Except I know mine is temporary and I saw it coming. Holidays make me crave love, affection, attention. They just do, and I knew this year would be the worst in a while given all that's happened over the last couple of years. I don't necessarily even feel alone, I just feel this overwhelming desire to be in romantic love. That's it. 

Been experiencing some mild rejection on the dating app. I want to quit. What is the point. It's so cold sometimes I don't even want to go out. I'm still in Seattle. I vacillate between - this should be easier and because it's not it makes me expect more. And I think that's the wrong attitude.

Is this is a No or a Not Yet?

People always ask why now or what are you looking for on these things? I think for me, I think I'm in a good place. Dating just hasn't been a priority in the past. Women I know do so much finagling to "stay ready" to meet someone that guys think these things just happen. Nonsense. But I think I'm in a good place because I don't need a mate for financial support or a father for my kids. So it makes the desire a pretty tepid one.  Marriage is a very traditional religious value that has been undervalued in modern society. I say I don't want to get married to be a 'cool girl,' but the more I think about it outside of the romance of if, it's not necessarily something I'm looking for. I'm sure it all changes when your feelings betray you, but logically, it doesn't sound that fun. 

I'm stuck somewhere between the person I am at rest and the person I know I probably need to be to attract a mate. Ugh. I know I can't take dating into 2022. At least not until 2022 gives me its share of rain. 

I think what's hard about the apps and allegedly dating is... you say I want x,y,z and thousands of people bypassing you say they don't want those things. It makes you wonder if those things are things you should desire. That's where I get stuck. Am I unreasonable? I remember from a linguistics course that humans want 2 things - To pursue their desires and for their desires to be desirable by other people. The second unmet condition is the slap in the face dating offers on a regular basis.

But I think once you find a mate, it's that completeness we all talk about. It's validation or affirmation that we want the same things! Basic need = met.

I'd like to think I don't need rain to appreciate the sunshine, but now I wonder if God thinks so. It really doesn't make sense that I haven't found anyone for even something casual. But neither did my job hunt. 

I think as much as I want a hot fling, I probably have to ease into something that had long-term potential. But I really just wanted a hot fling. The weather was nice. I had a light workload. I got my hair done. I just wanted some carefree fun. 

Anyway, Happy Thanksgiving! I'm going to eat my waffles and do some work.