What is making me anxious this Sunday morning?

Remember that Big Pharma job that's been stringing me along since January 2020, well the recruiter sent me an update on Friday afternoon. She said she finally got an update from the higher ups and wanted to arrange a time to speak to me on Monday.

My immediate thought it was: Is this woman really trying to schedule a time to reject me?

That was my gut reaction, as they say. I got nervous and instant diarrhea. I deleted the email. But slowly, yet surely, I'm learning not to act impulsively (at least not actions others can see). So I reread the email a few more times from its home in the Trash box.

I could recall the two other companies that had called to reject me and the one that had given me 2 periodic updates to tell me that I was still in the running but they were interviewing others. All ultimately ended in a rejection.  This seemed like that.

I crafted 2 versions of email response, both nicer than the version I composed in my head. Ultimately, knowing I couldn't last the whole weekend not knowing, I offered that I could Skype that day or get the update via email.

She responded it wasn't an update she could provide by email "hint, hint." Yes the hint, hint were her words, not mine.

Wow! Am I about to get this job?! What does this mean for my life? I've already resigned myself to this second place life. Where does this fit in my woe-is-me narrative? 

More logistically, what's the salary? Do I have to move? In terms of job security amidst COVID, is this a good decision?  What are the emotional repercussions? Do I have to rewrite my narrative? Why can't I reach that depth of sadness anymore to which I had become so accustomed?

More importantly, will Monday ever come?!