Monday morning angst and a regret

With nothing to do with my time, it seems like forever when I am waiting for something to happen.  I've been avoiding Wespath because talking to them makes me upset. But in a moment of weakness, last Thursday no less, I sent them a quick email asking them to go ahead with the deposit.

Thinking they were as anxious to get rid of me as I them, I hoped the deposit would post Friday. It didn't. When nothing posted this morning, I was already wondering what the heck happened. I had tried to table thoughts about them for 6 weeks from now in hopes I would not be as emotionally labile. Fail.

I didn't want to even sign into their secure messaging platform to check their response to my recent request. But I couldn't stop waking up each morning anticipating the deposit either. I had avoided their last voicemail and email messages.

It was a battle between anxiously awaiting the deposit to post at unknown time - so thinking about it first thing in the morning- or risking how their unknown response to my request was going to affect me.  But alas, my impatience got the best of me, and I checked. I hoped for the best possible outcome - eliminating an unknown, i.e. that the email would provide me with confirmation of the date the deposit would post.

It didn't. I regret checking.

I wish I had just checked in with myself and realized not that much time has passed - 2 business days. I wish I had waited at least until the message expired. I didn't want to give them the satisfaction of engaging with them. I want them to feel ignored as they did me. But alas, they win again. The message didn't even give me a timeline. So I got nothing out of it, not even the empowerment of my own restraint. Super fail.

So that's my Monday.

And for some reason, I am feeling extremely warm in the office.

And now all I can think about are the other things I haven't done...

• Vacuum the stairs
• Change the air filters
• Unload the dishwasher
• Load the dishwasher
• Clean the kitchen
• Vacuum upstairs
• Take the router back
• Buy an outdoor trash container
• Why can't I log-in to the onboarding site? 

I make up my mind to do something, and I just let events and people derail me. I don't like that. 

9 minutes later...

As I preview my post, I realize this is not the catastrophe my mind has warped it to be. I weighed the not knowing and waking up angsty for an unknown period of time with the possibility that the email would reveal new information. Although, the email did not give me an exact date the deposit would post, it was a fair gamble. I was trading the possibility of a known to get me out of the gray weeds of the unknown. There was a possibility that there would be an end date to this emotional circus.  I had to give up some power for that trade. That's just the reality. 

To be fair to myself, my response to them on Thursday was after 2 recent voicemails from them and an unanswered email from them the day before. Additionally, I had reached a calm place and wanted to resolve the issue with them a) so they would stop contacting me (ruining my plan to keep them out of my thoughts) and b) so I could have this issue resolved before my life got busier with my new job. 

Exhale. 

What can I do moving forward?

I shall do my best to disengage from the process.

I shall accept that there's nothing more I'm willing to do to speed up the process. 

I shall not follow-up with them anytime between now and the next 6 weeks (to give my emotions time to reset). 

I shall stop being so concerned about money - it's been occupying way too much of my thoughts outside of this.