Emotional savings goal and med update

 Last night and yesterday was a weird day. I didn't really sleep. Then it was 5a. I was just awake tossing and turning and feel blah. I slept on the couch in case I had heartburn. Which I did intermittently. But I need to return to bed. 

I think the new med works on the 'depression' part more than the anxiety. And I was benefitting from the anxiety relief. Last night I was playing over old conversations and worrying about work. I'm back to making safety plans. Ugh. But I did a load of laundry and emptied the dishwasher and thought about showering. I don't really need more energy to clean the house. I prefer to feel fearless and do fun things out of the house.

So we'll see how the next 2 weeks go. 

Luckily, I haven't noticed any remarkable side effects.

I think I know why the anti-reflux meds didn't work. They stopped my body from producing more acid. But that wasn't the issue. Taking sertraline just felt like drinking acid. So the reflux meds stopped the problem from getting worse. It's like they turned off the hose. But I needed something for the oil spill. I needed relief. Tums and water worked. Just their duration of action was a couple minutes. Which meant I would have to be eating Tums and drinking water round the clock. 

The generic Lexapro also confirms the weird insomnia I had on sertraline. On the sertraline when I was awake, I was alert. One time I read for an hour, watched a full 90 minute movie. Where usually when I can't sleep, I watch TV for a few minutes, toss, turn, cough. Worry, repeat. 

But I will say the 30 days of clarity on sertraline helped give me the confidence I needed to continue to pursue early retirement. I have a higher degree of confidence that with the right community, I will be able to fill my time. Even if it means moving back to Interim Town. I like it here. There are few racist people. But I like the hub of people and the rec activities. 

Anyway, this is a shift because at certain points I was worried I needed the structure of work to help structure my day. But nope, I started to get excited about activities again. I'm looking forward to being a millionaire and living a leisurely life. I know I will find my way, my community, and the right balance of engagement and alone time. Now, I just have to be mindful to not fall back into aggressively savings again. I want to enjoy the journey from hear out.

So, speaking of savings... Now that I've met my savings goals for the year. I am wanting to set some emotional savings goal for the rest of the year. Tired of getting burned (seee..feels like old sick me). I am taking a time out from A, W, and Last Boy. That's really it. W shouldn't be much of an issue. Last Boy is only an issue every now and then. And when I was happy on Zoloft, he was barely a thought. A has been the toughest habit to break because all the things we used to bond over are still present. But I have just had a hard time accepting that their priorities have shifted. I'm usually good for a month or so, then we'll have contact and it re-engages me.

Like right now, I just sent them a message related to something we talked about. 

But yeah, I've been washing them out for a couple years now. It's time to move on.

I was thinking these feelings for these people feel like a belated spring cleaning. You know when you make your piles of - donate, keep, trash.  I'm somewhere between packing up these feelings and deciding if I don't use them in x amount of time, they're going in the next donation dropoff. 

And you know when I was doing this when selling my house, once I put eyes on the items, I felt re-attached to them. And some things were harder to let go of. I would dream of all the future uses and be mad that I let them go. But then I'd forget (thanks to sertraline). I'm going to try it with these people. Except they've been in the on-the-way out pile for too long. I'm packing them up and donating them. Done! 

W and Last Boy are unlikely to make any contact the rest of the year. A might after the summer. I think I'll stick to cordial chat for the time being. And only on Tuesdays. 

But yeah, sometime last night in the middle of my delirium, I started to get excited again about things to come. 

I'm really looking forward to next year... strangely, I just want to wear my clothes and paring down my belongings. I just think it'll be fun to wear my clothes and start to craft my new existence. Confident and comfy is what I'm going for. So a moo-moo is comfy, but I don't feel confident. Those are clothes I wear to feel hidden. 

I'm just excited to like try out this carefree life. I hesitant to use nomad because it seems purposeless and without intention. I think minimalist is close, but not quite. I just want to be free and unburdened. However that looks for me. I think society as a whole is in a mental revolution. Trying on new 'fits in terms of lifestyle choices. For the sphere of influence I'm in, it seems the old rules are not as long withstanding. 

So with modest savings goal in mind, and an unchartered life, I no longer feel afraid. I feel like I'm on the verge of a...shift.