Anxiety is back...

 My anxiety is back. You know how I can tell. I'm starting to make plans, lots of plans, and feeling overwhelmed. 

The plans help me to break down long periods of time so they feel more manageable.

This is a bit of a brain dump, so bear with me.

Starting to feel a bit better about bombed interview. Telling myself, if I couldn't do it, I couldn't do it.

Also applied to another job yesterday as a revenge app. Worried this is how my Interview Spiral of 2019 started. Same company.

Going to try to let it go.

Hope this med kicks in soon. A bit bummed. Not as many reader stories of feeling fearless on this med as with Zoloft.

I find myself wanting to do more domestic things like cooking and cleaning, ugh.

Yesterday I set up a Countdown Calendar to retirement. That is a clear sign of anxiety. When waiting just seems unbearable. Helped to motivate me. Just 3 years, 36 months. 1000 days. Not sure which of those time frames seems the most enticing.

But I am remembering the slippery slope I fell into when I was trying to make it to 500k. Gosh, it was bad.

So I'm encouraging myself to have fun at $60k until then.

When I break up the 36 months, I can easily see myself spending at least 18 months in Newtown. Time goes by fast sometimes.

But looking at my budget did help feel more sure about spending on vacations this year. I have about $13k I can spend on Extras for the rest of the year. That doesn't even have to pay for sending money to family overseas or my $5k medical bill. That's free and clear money I can use on vacations. Considering I want to go to Cairo and spend a month in Miami before the year is up. Those things feel more likely to happen if money was the last consideration.

In other news. Feeling a bit discouraged with housing options for Newtown. I'm supposed to go first weekend in August, but now I think I want to postpone.

I don't know... Work just has me all worked up.

Landing gave me a little bit of an exhale when it said that staying in the South during the summer months means more inventory for Standby so you're less likely to be bumped.

I'm having an okay enough time here that I don't mind staying for August.

So after concocting my 36 month plan yesterday and making a mediocre short list of apartment for Newtown, today I have a new plan.

I think I want to postpone trip to Newtown to first weekend in September. Annd bookend it on the front side with a trip to Cabo. When I priced it, the prices went way down for hotels. And I can cash in some Catalyze points for hotels.com voucher. It would make the trip very affordable.

You see, I first thought, this work task is what's jamming up my current plans. So I thought well, what if I postpone the Newtown trip and join my colleague at the end of the trip. But the hotels were sold out!

But then I ran with the idea of postponing the Newtown trip to September and just out of curiosity looked at tickets for Cabo to bookend that trip in the beginning. And the hotel prices dropped and I got excited. If I pick the lower tier one the hotels.com gift card would cover all but $30 bucks. Which is awesome!!!

It's like a free stay. But then I got excited at staying in the higher tier hotel for about $250 more. Which is still a pretty good deal considering that's how much it would cost to stay in the lower tier one if I went next weekend. So if I go, that's the dilemma. Do I stay in lower tier or higher tier. I'm mostly excited about the food options. But if they're the same, than I'm not sure why I'm paying more. 

And with these airline tickets (I guess the route changes), I'd be able to make more of the events in Newtown. Although, notably, the flight from Interim town won't be non-stop. Small price to pay.

But I'm even thinking of taking those days completely off instead of playing the workation game. When I'm in the thick of it, I look forward to my breaks. 

It will be nice to completely relax I guess. As my therapist reminded me before...it feels good to clear up some of that mental space. 

So if I go forward with it, here's what it looks like:

- Cancel Newtown trip for next weekend

- Postpone move to September

- Book tickets for Cabo for August

- Book tickets for Newtown for August

- Stay in Summer House for at least remainder of August

- Plan to move in September... I would like to set a date, but it's still kind of dependent on where I find housing.

Minor concerns

- Am I stalling?

- Did I actually want to go to Cabo with colleague? (The answer is No; she travels in a family pack, ALWAYS, and nothing about that sounds fun for me; it would've been more tolerable if I were able to crash her hotel; but without that, there's no significant benefit to being there together other than the photo for an invisible audience)

- What if I get bumped from Summer House before then?

It would feel really nice to lock in some plans though. Fear that I'll get more anxious with locked in plans. Mitigated by, the Cabo trip is technically optional... but maybe not...because once I book, I can't get my money back. Work is still a bit of an unknown I supposed. 

Eeek, to booking anything this far in advance! What if I don't need a break at the end of the month. 

When do I actually move? I could technically just make a plan to move out of Summer House and just linger in Newtown while my apartment is ready. There are some things I can control in that.

So that's where I am. Of course, I will wait until Tuesday to make any plans that cost money or resources because... #brainlies.