Do I really need to change my name?

 I realized that by leaving the South, I have the option of reverting back to my old name. It certainly would make some things easier. 

Like my passport and some of my bank accounts. 

And verifying my education.

But then I thought, there's no one particularly significant in my life that I would have to explain this to. And now that I'm embarking on this new adventure, it would be cool to deeply punctuate it with my new name.

Just to cross off the last 40 years of my life. 

So even if I live 40 years or 30 or 20 or 10, or 1 more, it will be cool to have this inflection point.

I think I started to pause because with my medication my deep seated negative feelings about myself and my history in The South don't feel as important.

And I wonder if the name change might be a reminder of that.

But I think I can rebrand it like I'm finding I'm having to do now that my brain isn't trying to kill me. 

It could just be a celebration of life. I don't necessarily have to forget all the "bad things" that happened over the last 40 years. But I can celebrate them too - like my 3 degrees; the cool adventures I have (and left to have); being raised by my aunt who has loved me more than anyone on earth; and even cool people I've met. 

So the new name doesn't serve to negate those things anymore. 

The new name celebrates me. My commitment to myself. My re-vitalization. My next chapter. People change their name all the time, lest we forget. 

And eventhough Christianity is not as strong of an identity anymore, I still loved the Bible stories where people got new names as they progressed in life. So I don't mind the callback to that.

So my new name is a celebration. It's a part of the culminating event I've been looking for. I did it! I lived 40 years on this earth against so many odds! I did it, kids! I did it. Let's celebrate. And let's live on for what's next. 

In this moment, it's the first time 40 years left doesn't feel so long. Can you believe it???!!