I did a thing!

 I messaged Last Boy to accompany me on this trip this weekend. I know it's a No, but I just couldn't help myself. Grr.

What do I respond when he says no? 

A fitting end to the month...

 Or should I call this - I'll never be a child star, part 2.

Yeah, I'm a recovering secret-love addict. I just kept waiting for something magical to happen. I realized at 27 that I was not going to be discovered on the street and be a famous person, namely a child star. Shirley Temple dreams were laid to rest. Not easily mind you.

Yesterday, I backslid a little. Looking for connection, attention, anything. Well we know the trigger is - milestones, or special events. I want to tell someone. That's how the marketing works. That's the culture I was born into.

So yeah, after the fiasco of apartment 1, I'd successfully moved into apartment two on my slow travel roadtrip to Newtown. 

Since you all are my only audience, it's getting harder and harder to disguise the names because I want to talk outloud.

But I am again reminded... the rest of this journey is a solo one. There's no big reunion of my friends. There's no turn I can take, or text I can send that can return things to the way they were. 

Once I can fully realize that, the better. 

I love living in a nice apartment, friends. It's refreshing. It's nice. I feel special. I like sunshine in the morning. I like high ceilings. I love a dry air. I love the sun.

So I'm doing this journey alone, but it doesn't have to suck. 

There are parts I can enjoy. Like getting excited over cut fruit at the Publix and spending a bit too much. And being happy I didn't have to drive all the way to Whole Foods. Cuz Publix had way cheaper cut fruit and vegan cookies! Win. It's the simple things.

I scarfed down ribs and dairy free nacho chips for supper. With a side of fried chicken.

TLC didn't hold my attention much. I guess I should probably refrain from watching relationship shows on Sundays. Whoops!

Haven't found a routine yet, and that's okay.

I slept on the couch, and didn't cough. Yay, Pepcid!

The next 2 days will probably be stressful. But I got some snacks to help. And I wasn't even thinking that far ahead.

But then I get to take a trip, and all is well. I'm very tempted to book my Cabo trip. But it feels frivolous. The biggest concern is cashing in my points for hotels.com gift cards. I can't undo that. Otherwise everthing else is refundable.

Maybe today, I'll book the airfare and see how that feels.

I'm just ready to move on. 

It's been really motivating to see my investments go back up. Yay! I'm not making any more moves until I get closer or hit my millionaire goal. Yeah, I said it! You know when I get nervous, I overshare!

Yes, Bob, final answer - I want to be a millionaire!!!

Married to Money.

I don't have to keep proving myself to an invisible audience. 

Life can be good. 

Still feeling good

 I'm not sure if this throat problem is heartburn or a respiratory illness. Just a slight irritation at the base of my throat after a coughing fit last night.

The chicken I had was quite peppery.

I called Maryland Aunty and her sister was there. Also another Maryland Aunty. They were having sister time. Felt a little awky because I don't talk to second aunty much. So that call ended.

Then called HS friend. She having family time. Their new move came with price increases they didn't see coming. She says they'll be in the red if partner doesn't get a job. 

Even though I'm solo-lifeing right now. And even when I've been watching my dating shows, I'm not feeling the strong urge for romance. It's like when I was in the last stretch of pharmacy school. I already had the moment that I wanted to start a journey with someone. So when I'm at the last step, I kind of just want to finish how I started - solo.

I'm this close to finalizing my move, so I might as well keep going. Now that my hormones have settled, I can more clearly see my committee members' life choices for what they are - just different lifestyle choices. 

I saw a classmate I never thought I'd see again. He looked exactly the same, yet was a whole father and husband now. But I still see just a more stressed and tightly wound version of the 18 year old I used to know.

I don't feel like I'm missing anything. It's just like when you work at a company and everyone has a different job. It just doesn't feel like we're running the same race anymore. And finally, I'm starting to be okay with it. 

It feels less like this thing that was "taken" from me or that I never got the chance to experience. Just think of all the things in life you didn't do but still lived and life was okay. That's just kind of how it feels like - that last cookie, the last piece of cheesecake, the last hug, one more tv show...nothing actually happens after the moment passes. 

I'm in a nicer apartment now and I'm happy. Although the app is saying I have to move out by the 9th. Not sure what that's about as I didn't receive a notification or anything, which is odd. It still shows available, so I might double check with the community liaison. 

Since I already know this apartment is nice, I'd rather stay here longer than risk the apartment in the next city. 

I like how much of an expert I was at moving stuff. I got settled in pretty quickly. Got groceries and was ready to relax after 12n. I'd be happy to stay until the 12th and then make the move to the next city.

But after some vacillating, I'm finally coming around to the idea that the move to Newtown is happening. I'm halfway there. 

I like my life.

It was nice to be able to talk money outloud with a colleague though. 

Oh, I'm still stalking the trip to Cabo. And I think I'm going to do it. I just want to keep celebrating me. And if I'm able to get furniture and stuff all squared away... I think moving in should be pretty easy. 

For Cabo, although I want to mitigate some risk by spreading out the points, I think the easiest will be to pay for a roundtrip ticket full price. And just use $700 worth of points for the hotel. It turns out I have a $50 credit on Expedia, so that was nice! So 3 days for about $600. Not bad. 

2 weeks on Lexapro and other life updates

 I don't know when exactly I last blogged, so let me catch you up.

Med Update

It's been about 2 weeks since I switched from Zoloft to Lexapro. Luckily, the fire breathing belly and throat burn has subsided. I haven't noticed any remarkable side effects on Lexapro. Not to say there aren't any. They just might not be noticeable yet. Luckily, I didn't have any discontinuation syndrome coming off Zoloft. But I was only on a half tablet of whatever dose I started. 

But I also haven't noticed any remarkable effects, either. I miss the fearlessness I experienced on Zoloft. So comparing one to the other, that's the biggest change.

In terms of Lexapro vs baseline. I've cried once briefly during therapy, but other than that no more tearfulness. But the urge is certainly there. But I'm also very distracted with work and my slow move to Newtown. I am still replaying conversations. I notice that now vs my week onsite for work. Where I could recount almost nothing. Now, I've replayed a bad interview and random conversations. If I were to dig hard for a change, I would say I other than the interview, I don't find myself regretting things I said. So I'm not sure why my brain is replaying it.

(Oh, I guess the pool is open. I was wondering about that.)

If I'm looking for things that might be related to the meds that's good/ different vs recent times:

- Maybe I'm able to resolve things faster; but that might also be due to the transitional nature of my life right now. Optimizing is second or third to just finding a solution to my immediate problem. So I guess I'm not ruminating on decisions that later turn out to be less optimal. But I do notice them. So maybe I'm solving problems faster? Not sure

- In line with that, when something needs to be done, I will opt to just do it. Especially if it's simple. But that didn't happen with my project. I stewed on it for like 2 days. So that is also TBD.

- In my last apartment, I found myself doing more domestic things at the last minute. Namely, washing clothes and running the dishwasher. No improvement on hair or dental hygiene though. Maybe marginally more showers, but I also have been sweating more. 

So I still maintain this med works more on depressions symptoms ( which I don't really identify with) vs anxiety (which I more identify with). But we'll see what happens at month 1 or 2. As long as I don't have any negative side effects that are intolerable, I'm willing to give it a 2 or 3 month trial. 

Honestly, I was at the point where if the heartburn medicine was working, I may have kept taking Zoloft. Which is a lot for someone who didn't want to take meds at all. 

Other Life Updates/ Accomplishments

- Made it to Roadstop #2 on Thursday after getting bumped from Summertown. The trip was mostly uneventful, so that was good. Good decision too to try to slow travel. After 8 hours on the road, I was not going to be happy to get up the next morning and do it again. 

Well when I got to the new apartment, it was giving Motel 6 vibes. And I felt a little unsure what to do next. Since I was already bumped for the 15th, the app wouldn't let me pick a new place. Luckily, I had a community manager and miracle-of-miracles I reached out to him. And by the next morning, I was able to book a new place. I move in tomorrow. Yay! So that's what I mean about problem being solved quickly. At first, I was trying to suck it up and just cry and wonder why me. But nope, I found a solution. And it worked out. Next up was just sucking it up/ keep moving after my trip to Newtown next weekend. 

I am hopeful that the next unit will be better. 

- Making steady progress on my work project that delivers next week!

- Made a last minute pit stop to FedEx.

- Just overall packing myself out of last apartment. And unloading car (before I knew how awful this apartment was) when I arrived at Roadstop #2.

- Cancelling all my tickets out of Summertown. 

Overall, here's where I am.

I am about 2 days worth of travel away from Newtown. I think I'll probably try to stick with the original plan of heading to Roadstop #3 about a week before I'm due in Newtown. However, if I can't find a standby unit, that plan may be adjusted. I'll prob just book a hotel. But I am glad I waited to book any rooms ahead of time. 

But yeah, this is feeling more and more real. 

I have an apartment on hold which is exciting. 

The last couple weeks, I keep getting 52-week high alerts which always makes me check my balances. At this point, I don't expect much growth. I'm hovering around 67% of progress, but still keeping expectations low and hoping to end the year at around 65%. It's still really exciting and puts a pep in my step. I decided to hold off on making any rollovers to my 401k until the balances stabilizes. At this point, there's really no rush. 

Financially, I'm looking forward to the next 3 years. And unless my time in Newtown is awful, I'm already thinking it'll be my default landing place while I finish this last leg of my financial race. I was recapping my last 10 years to a colleague yesterday and that started to help it feel more real and reflective. 

I think I might still go to Cabo. I'm not totally excited. But I'm hoping my colleague that's going will at least confirm the food is good. The Cabo trip will serve a couple of purposes - use up my Catalzye points. Mark the end of my old life; be a mile marker of sorts for many things; be a celebration of a new beginning; and also be like an end of summer trip. Presumably, work will be more steady in September. So yeah, I think for those reasons,  I might go. And I like that it's a short trip. Not that I couldn't change it, but I already requested the time off work and put it on people's calendars. 

I think having that separation between where I was and where I am will be good. I like symbolic and ceremonial things. It will be good to put a period on the last chapter of my life with this trip. No pressure huh. I find myself hesitant to call my past my Old Life. Feels like it puts too much pressure on the next steps. 

Oh on the meds, I will say I'm more forgetful and absent-minded. But we'll see if that's really a factor of the meds or just this wonky space I'm in in life. Anyway, in this moment, I'm excited to see what the future holds. It's like a familiar book..a book from the same author....but the story is different because of different characters....but you know this author and their themes... and you hope you enjoy it. 

Angsty feelings and the algorithm...

 So yesterday was a day! I spent the first part of the morning moping around and settling into the fetal position because I was feeling a bit overwhelmed. 

After therapy, we decided to check-out for a few hours and then check back in with myself.

I couldn't settle into the show I was watching and just laid around aimlessly. 

Then I got an alert that my new reservation in Interim Town 2 was already bumped! Ahhhh! Well there goes that idea of idling my way to Newtown this summer.

This message coincided with a message I got from an apartment complex.

So by the end of the day, I'd hatched a plan.

I sent the required docs to the apartment complex and I'm in the process of holding the unit. Sight, unseen. Yikes! I did do a quick internet search to see if anything horrid came up. 

And I vaguely remember people on the message boards saying not-bad stuff about it. The unit felt like it was going to be snatched up if I didn't act quickly, so I went for it. It doesn't have a balcony but the price was right and when I looked at it on Maps, the neighborhood is squarely downtown so it's lots of concrete, but I saw at least a couple restaurants I could walk to.

But mostly, I just wanted this process done. And I had an endgame. 

So as of now, I'm moving out of this unit on Thursday (eeek!), and onto Interim Town 2. I have to be out of the unit in Town 2  by August 15.  Since that's the middle of the week and my new apartment in Newtown won't be ready then. I'm going to mosey on to Town 3 the weekend before that.

And that's it folks!

So as of now

- Cabo is out the window

- Staying around in Summer house for the month of August is out the window

- And postponing move to Newtown is out the window

But if all goes well, I do have a place to stay in Newtown. But work is in high gear so my only focus this week is getting work done, and high tailing it out of here.

But with the flurry of activity, I was able to pack up my crap; load up the car; take the trash out, and cook. I even showered twice! 

I finally made potato salad. It was so tasty.

I'm taking it easy this morning because my Review closes at the end of the business day so a late night for me. I might get some donuts for the road trip on Thursday.

And that folks is my week. 

I have a bunch of personal errands I'll probably need to catch up on, but I'll save that for the weekend. Because next week promises to be another hectic week. 

I have trouble living my life and working...

 I can't tell you how many times I've checked my work calendar over the last few days. Even today it's been 2 or 3 times. 

There's no meetings.

But when I'm on an active project, I just feel on edge. Like I could be asked to do something and then have to do it. Or don't know how to do it. Then panic... and then obviously the sky is falling.

Grrr.

I technically have enough time today to pack up the house and be ready to go, but I just can't seem to get out of bed. Am by bed, I mean the couch. I've been on the couch for over a week. 

It just feels like so much to do. I ought to be thankful I don't have a bunch of meetings to take up mental space, but instead I'm stuck in the overwhelm.

Glad I got some of my errands done. But if I could just motivate myself to get this packing done. Grr. I've even tried bargaining that if I can just focus and get my work and personal tasks done over the next 3 days, that I can have the weekend free.

But still nothing.

So I check my calendar again. I feel frozen. 

I need to brush my teeth. Pretty sure I'm getting a cavity. 

I'll ask my therapist if I should send a text to the interviewer. I don't feel as strongly about it as I did over the weekend. Nope, I have way too many other thoughts occupying my mind right now.

What's making me anxious

- packing up the house

- my active workflow

- the future.

What can I do to ease some of my anxiety:

- fall asleep until the day is over...

- that's all i want to do.

Anxiety is back...

 My anxiety is back. You know how I can tell. I'm starting to make plans, lots of plans, and feeling overwhelmed. 

The plans help me to break down long periods of time so they feel more manageable.

This is a bit of a brain dump, so bear with me.

Starting to feel a bit better about bombed interview. Telling myself, if I couldn't do it, I couldn't do it.

Also applied to another job yesterday as a revenge app. Worried this is how my Interview Spiral of 2019 started. Same company.

Going to try to let it go.

Hope this med kicks in soon. A bit bummed. Not as many reader stories of feeling fearless on this med as with Zoloft.

I find myself wanting to do more domestic things like cooking and cleaning, ugh.

Yesterday I set up a Countdown Calendar to retirement. That is a clear sign of anxiety. When waiting just seems unbearable. Helped to motivate me. Just 3 years, 36 months. 1000 days. Not sure which of those time frames seems the most enticing.

But I am remembering the slippery slope I fell into when I was trying to make it to 500k. Gosh, it was bad.

So I'm encouraging myself to have fun at $60k until then.

When I break up the 36 months, I can easily see myself spending at least 18 months in Newtown. Time goes by fast sometimes.

But looking at my budget did help feel more sure about spending on vacations this year. I have about $13k I can spend on Extras for the rest of the year. That doesn't even have to pay for sending money to family overseas or my $5k medical bill. That's free and clear money I can use on vacations. Considering I want to go to Cairo and spend a month in Miami before the year is up. Those things feel more likely to happen if money was the last consideration.

In other news. Feeling a bit discouraged with housing options for Newtown. I'm supposed to go first weekend in August, but now I think I want to postpone.

I don't know... Work just has me all worked up.

Landing gave me a little bit of an exhale when it said that staying in the South during the summer months means more inventory for Standby so you're less likely to be bumped.

I'm having an okay enough time here that I don't mind staying for August.

So after concocting my 36 month plan yesterday and making a mediocre short list of apartment for Newtown, today I have a new plan.

I think I want to postpone trip to Newtown to first weekend in September. Annd bookend it on the front side with a trip to Cabo. When I priced it, the prices went way down for hotels. And I can cash in some Catalyze points for hotels.com voucher. It would make the trip very affordable.

You see, I first thought, this work task is what's jamming up my current plans. So I thought well, what if I postpone the Newtown trip and join my colleague at the end of the trip. But the hotels were sold out!

But then I ran with the idea of postponing the Newtown trip to September and just out of curiosity looked at tickets for Cabo to bookend that trip in the beginning. And the hotel prices dropped and I got excited. If I pick the lower tier one the hotels.com gift card would cover all but $30 bucks. Which is awesome!!!

It's like a free stay. But then I got excited at staying in the higher tier hotel for about $250 more. Which is still a pretty good deal considering that's how much it would cost to stay in the lower tier one if I went next weekend. So if I go, that's the dilemma. Do I stay in lower tier or higher tier. I'm mostly excited about the food options. But if they're the same, than I'm not sure why I'm paying more. 

And with these airline tickets (I guess the route changes), I'd be able to make more of the events in Newtown. Although, notably, the flight from Interim town won't be non-stop. Small price to pay.

But I'm even thinking of taking those days completely off instead of playing the workation game. When I'm in the thick of it, I look forward to my breaks. 

It will be nice to completely relax I guess. As my therapist reminded me before...it feels good to clear up some of that mental space. 

So if I go forward with it, here's what it looks like:

- Cancel Newtown trip for next weekend

- Postpone move to September

- Book tickets for Cabo for August

- Book tickets for Newtown for August

- Stay in Summer House for at least remainder of August

- Plan to move in September... I would like to set a date, but it's still kind of dependent on where I find housing.

Minor concerns

- Am I stalling?

- Did I actually want to go to Cabo with colleague? (The answer is No; she travels in a family pack, ALWAYS, and nothing about that sounds fun for me; it would've been more tolerable if I were able to crash her hotel; but without that, there's no significant benefit to being there together other than the photo for an invisible audience)

- What if I get bumped from Summer House before then?

It would feel really nice to lock in some plans though. Fear that I'll get more anxious with locked in plans. Mitigated by, the Cabo trip is technically optional... but maybe not...because once I book, I can't get my money back. Work is still a bit of an unknown I supposed. 

Eeek, to booking anything this far in advance! What if I don't need a break at the end of the month. 

When do I actually move? I could technically just make a plan to move out of Summer House and just linger in Newtown while my apartment is ready. There are some things I can control in that.

So that's where I am. Of course, I will wait until Tuesday to make any plans that cost money or resources because... #brainlies.

A bit sick

 I had diarrhea again. I thought it was just a few days ago, but when I looked at my calendar, I had diarrhea last Saturday.

Not sure what keeps causing it. Maybe the almond milk? Ugh, it's the worst feeling. 

I've already been sleepy the last couple days. And now this. I think this helped me make my decision about going paddleboarding tomorrow. I'm too tired. And I have work looming. 

I need to rest. Woke up in a coughing fit this afternoon as well. It feels like a respiratory illness at this point more than heartburn. I don't know. 

It was a pretty weird day so far. I sat outside and it felt really good. The weather app said it was 80s, but it was so breezy and nice. 

I looked at apartments in Newtown, and was a little frustrating. I just thought something would fall into place. I was just so sure I'd be able to use my Landing Standby and nada. That just seemed like such an easy solution. I made a 3 item shortlist of possible places, but nothing is really ticking all my boxes. 

Now I'm getting an IT Restart Alert. Ha! Where were you when I was having tech difficulties during my writing test. Grrr, still having trouble letting go of that. I can't go back to 2019 me. (But then I remember there's no magic puppet string making sure all your life goals fall into place.)

I was still feeling so bad, I looked at tickets for Last Boy to come to Newtown with me next weekend. Just wanted to add insult to injury. Luckily, the prices were outrageous. 

I did shift a bit on where I wanted to live in Newtown. From downtown to maybe somewhere near nature. 

It's official, work just stresses me out even in my off time. I have to put a document in review for Monday, so itt's going to be some Sunday work. I was thinking I'd do it today, but now I'm just feeling ugh from the GI upset. 

Feeling a little down

 I bombed my writing exercise and it feels really bad. I wish I had taken an opportunity to take a beak or opt out to collect my thoughts. Grrr.

I was so close! 

This sucks.

And I feel bad. 

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

Observations and thoughts

 A lot of things going through my head lately...

First, can we keep talking about my house sale. Um, I made $50k on an $80k house!! Um.... yassssssssssssssss! I just feel I spend so much time lamenting on all things, one of those being the house in the past. Let's spend more time celebrating too! I love having that boost to my balance sheet. It's awesome. It's motivating. It makes the picture of early retirement come that much more in focus.

What's funny is I was watching Big Brother and the grand prize is $750k and people were talking about what they would do with the money. And I'm thinking, wow, I'm really close to prize money status! So it was nice to get the affirmation that this pot of money is truly life changing! 

The Medication

So we know on generic Zoloft, I felt fearless. And just wanted to have fun. It's been 4 days on Lexapro, and I feel that it definitely works on the "depression" part of my brain. Which, to be clear, I've never really identified with. I tried it on and it just didn't fit. If anything it was maybe secondary to my anxiety. Which I never fully understood until some of those anxious feelings went away. Anyway, what I've observed over this past work week is more inclination to perform activities of daily living. Yesterday was a good example. I had another fitful sleep. I slept in late. Then got up brushed and flossed; showered; got dressed; went to PT; ran an errand afterward; picked up my package; had a meeting; went to the movies; did some work when I came home; ate a mango; sat outside; then decided I was hungry; and cooked! 

In a typical day, I'll usually plan my day around one thing and call it a day. But I just kept going. I would do the thing. Have a few minutes of rest, and somehow not feel sooooooooo tired that I couldn't do anything else.

Additionally, I've been resisting the urge to clean the whole house. There's stuff everywhere, and I just want to wipe and do some laundry. Yeah, who am I?!

So, while I'm not as adventurous as I was last week, I can see how this could be an improvement with someone with major depressive disorder, one of the indications of this medication. 

On that note, my throat is extremely sore this morning. So I probably need to give irritating foods a rest. So no chocolates and spicy foods for me for the time being. I'm even using this under-the-weather feeling as an excuse to stay in this weekend. As if I don't have enough rest.

I also should add that I have active project work this week, which can spur activity. And also the need to be less active on the weekend. When I'm on active project work, I tend to covet my free time more.

Some decisions

Cabo - I sent out calendar reminders for some milestones on my current project and it just makes the most sense to be here with my reliable internet. The 3 days I'd be in Cabo are days I need a fidgety internal system to work. And I'm uncertain how that looks on hotel wifi. 

Trip to Newtown and Housing - I tried to put together a short list of housing options for when I visit Newtown in a couple weeks. I just came up a bit short. So for now, I'm considering just keeping my Standby membership while I'm in Newtown. That way I can maybe get a feel for where I want to live and how I think my life might look. Part of me is saying, it's not that serious. just pick somewhere. The other part of me is like well you have the flexibility, why not take advantage of your Standby membership. 

I'm unclear when my next project starts after this one delivers, but I have a rough idea I want to be all set and unpacked by end of August/beginning of September. 

Cairo - I am more and more sure, I want to take that trip the week before Thanksgiving. That leaves December to focus on Miami which is awesome. It just makes sense. So according to my table, I have a potential for a special trip every month beginning in September. Which again...awesome.

2nd Job - My interviews have gone surprisingly well. But I mean, it's hard to tell. I do think I come off a little young. But I get comfortable and that's what happens. I did go through the mental exercise of what name should I use. The biggest concern is being recognized. But I think it just makes sense to use my Work Name in both situations. And just hope I don't work on any projects they have in common. And I'm also counting on the fact that the name could be considered common. The only other thing is trying to explain it to my new manager. Oh boy! I'll leave any more thoughts on this until after I get the offer. Yikes! Today there is a writing exercise. So that will give me insight on whether I need to think about this further.

401k - my 401k is getting close to where I wanted it to be to rollover. But I decided to just let it ride. Hopefully it will stabilize to a number above where I need it to be and I'll have time in the future to simplify everything. It feels less urgent now.

I feel good again

 Not enough to change my mood for the day on my mood app, but I feel good. After some sleeplessness, I think I can sleep tonight.

I had 3 interviews today and they went well enough. 2 were good. 1 was an okay one. 2 more on Thursday and Friday combined. But after these 3, I feel less anxious. So I'm celebrating that. 

I'm mostly looking forward to watching the Barbie movie tomorrow. I have my snacks ready. I have PT and I think my actual work tasks will definitely be manageable by the end of the week. So I feel great about that. 

Minor run-in with Bruno, but luckily I forgot about it until today.

The best news was 2 financial wins.

I bought my 1 way ticket to Newtown in the morning and when I checked again around 8p, it was $75 cheaper. Yay! I tried to buy it again but the purchase wouldn't go through. So I had to cancel and luckily was able to purchase right away.

Side note - I have 5 new bug bites from sitting outside. Oh well. It still feels so good to feel the warm night breeze. 

The second win was getting another series of 52-week High Alerts. I am proud to say I have crested 67% of my target to millionaire. Yayyyyyyyyy! I don't want to get too excited, but if I can get to 70% by the end of the year, that will be awesome. But I'm perfectly happy holding at 65% by year's end.

But my 401k from Call Center is about to get back in the black. Which will be awesome. I will have to initiate a rollover which will not be awesome. But I think or at least hope that the prices will stabilize and I'll have time in September at my Q3 check-in to do that. 

So yeah, that was a nice surprise!!

I do feel less inclined about the kayaking trips since I have work on the brain, but we shall see.

Toodles!

Emotional savings goal and med update

 Last night and yesterday was a weird day. I didn't really sleep. Then it was 5a. I was just awake tossing and turning and feel blah. I slept on the couch in case I had heartburn. Which I did intermittently. But I need to return to bed. 

I think the new med works on the 'depression' part more than the anxiety. And I was benefitting from the anxiety relief. Last night I was playing over old conversations and worrying about work. I'm back to making safety plans. Ugh. But I did a load of laundry and emptied the dishwasher and thought about showering. I don't really need more energy to clean the house. I prefer to feel fearless and do fun things out of the house.

So we'll see how the next 2 weeks go. 

Luckily, I haven't noticed any remarkable side effects.

I think I know why the anti-reflux meds didn't work. They stopped my body from producing more acid. But that wasn't the issue. Taking sertraline just felt like drinking acid. So the reflux meds stopped the problem from getting worse. It's like they turned off the hose. But I needed something for the oil spill. I needed relief. Tums and water worked. Just their duration of action was a couple minutes. Which meant I would have to be eating Tums and drinking water round the clock. 

The generic Lexapro also confirms the weird insomnia I had on sertraline. On the sertraline when I was awake, I was alert. One time I read for an hour, watched a full 90 minute movie. Where usually when I can't sleep, I watch TV for a few minutes, toss, turn, cough. Worry, repeat. 

But I will say the 30 days of clarity on sertraline helped give me the confidence I needed to continue to pursue early retirement. I have a higher degree of confidence that with the right community, I will be able to fill my time. Even if it means moving back to Interim Town. I like it here. There are few racist people. But I like the hub of people and the rec activities. 

Anyway, this is a shift because at certain points I was worried I needed the structure of work to help structure my day. But nope, I started to get excited about activities again. I'm looking forward to being a millionaire and living a leisurely life. I know I will find my way, my community, and the right balance of engagement and alone time. Now, I just have to be mindful to not fall back into aggressively savings again. I want to enjoy the journey from hear out.

So, speaking of savings... Now that I've met my savings goals for the year. I am wanting to set some emotional savings goal for the rest of the year. Tired of getting burned (seee..feels like old sick me). I am taking a time out from A, W, and Last Boy. That's really it. W shouldn't be much of an issue. Last Boy is only an issue every now and then. And when I was happy on Zoloft, he was barely a thought. A has been the toughest habit to break because all the things we used to bond over are still present. But I have just had a hard time accepting that their priorities have shifted. I'm usually good for a month or so, then we'll have contact and it re-engages me.

Like right now, I just sent them a message related to something we talked about. 

But yeah, I've been washing them out for a couple years now. It's time to move on.

I was thinking these feelings for these people feel like a belated spring cleaning. You know when you make your piles of - donate, keep, trash.  I'm somewhere between packing up these feelings and deciding if I don't use them in x amount of time, they're going in the next donation dropoff. 

And you know when I was doing this when selling my house, once I put eyes on the items, I felt re-attached to them. And some things were harder to let go of. I would dream of all the future uses and be mad that I let them go. But then I'd forget (thanks to sertraline). I'm going to try it with these people. Except they've been in the on-the-way out pile for too long. I'm packing them up and donating them. Done! 

W and Last Boy are unlikely to make any contact the rest of the year. A might after the summer. I think I'll stick to cordial chat for the time being. And only on Tuesdays. 

But yeah, sometime last night in the middle of my delirium, I started to get excited again about things to come. 

I'm really looking forward to next year... strangely, I just want to wear my clothes and paring down my belongings. I just think it'll be fun to wear my clothes and start to craft my new existence. Confident and comfy is what I'm going for. So a moo-moo is comfy, but I don't feel confident. Those are clothes I wear to feel hidden. 

I'm just excited to like try out this carefree life. I hesitant to use nomad because it seems purposeless and without intention. I think minimalist is close, but not quite. I just want to be free and unburdened. However that looks for me. I think society as a whole is in a mental revolution. Trying on new 'fits in terms of lifestyle choices. For the sphere of influence I'm in, it seems the old rules are not as long withstanding. 

So with modest savings goal in mind, and an unchartered life, I no longer feel afraid. I feel like I'm on the verge of a...shift.

Tuesday afternoon check-in

 Admittedly, friends, I feel a lot more frazzled than I have recently after starting meds. I feel like old anxious me, but not in a good way.

I've been kind of feeling meh and was not that motivated to get my tasks done today.

I did brush my teeth and go to PT which was good. OMG, I do not enjoy cardio! But I am hoping once it becomes a part of my life, my body will tolerate it better.

I stopped by the grocery and got some vegan chocolate chip cookies. Waited till after my meeting with K to eat them. Yum, I ate 3.

I think cereal has gotten me down in the dumps. If you recall, I'd bought a few boxes to help me get through the last three days on Dragonfire meds. But I've been binging it and it kinds rains on my parade. Also, even without carageenan, Almondbreeze gives me gas! Def not to the same degree as before, but it's there nonetheless. After a lifetime of gas, I'm pretty much gas free these days without dairy. 

Anyway, I met with K and from the looks of her timeline, the spontaneous trip to Cabo seems like a no-go. I will need to be available to my team, and I can't rely on foreign hotel wifi for that. I'm not that savvy. Even though it's only technically 3 days, but I will have to have my document delivered by the end of that week. Even my trip to Newtown that week seems tenuous. But luckily many of those events are after hours. 

So as of now, I am moving forward as though Cabo is cancelled and will just go to Newtown as planned. I'm even planning on taking the later flight eventhough I already requested that day off. I'd rather be safe than sorry. 

But that being said, since all my tickets are refundable, I'm keeping the Cabo tickets just in case timelines change. And at PT today I asked one of the clinicians about my trip, and she advised that roos for Cabo are usually like $300/night and that it's one of the nicer/more expensive places in Mexico. So that got me more excited. #desiremydesires

I was even thinking of springing for the nicer hotel. It felt a little indulgent. 

Anyway, tickets for Newtown have increased a bunch and are over $600 which is not what I was expecting. I'm hoping tomorrow will be a different price. I'll probably go ahead and purchase those tickets tomorrow. To avoid having my seats cancelled, I'll probably just do a 1 way though. That way all options are available to me. But knowing me, I'll probably just keep checking prices ...because well... why not?!

Anyway, I think work definitely adds to my anxiety.

But after the meeting and being able to check a couple things off my task list and have a tentative plan for tomorrow, I feel more motivated to hack through the rest of my personal errands.

I decided to sit outside to make it more fun. And it is! I'm wearing long sleeve and long pants to mitigate bug bites. 

And I'm happy!

Feeling just okay

 I took the generic Lexapro last night around 10p when it was delivered. There was coughing a few hours later. 

There was just the faintest burn vapor shortly after the med swallowed.

Makes me think perhaps I should have waited until morning to swallow the magic bean.

It would have been interesting to see if I could have one night of sleep.

All I want for Christmas is a good night's rest!

I am vacillating on the Beach Trip. I remembered I don't really like the person I'm travelling with as like a good friend. Or at least our friendship has changed. I'm not that interested in a kid vacation. But I already got excited about just having 2 weeks left in Summer House, so I'll probably just go.

But what I'm thinking about doing is just getting my own hotel room. I have some points I can trade in for Hotels.com gift cards. The big thing there is well a) this isn't really a trip I wanted to go on. The fun part was being able to crash their plans. That would be at least amusing to me. But, you know humans. 

b) technically, I wasn't sure what I would do with all these points. And this silly vacation seems like it.

But also... here's the thing... I don't actually want to go to the Beach. This is definitely not on my wishlist. 

But actually what I was going to mention is it's $100 more to book on hotels.com than booking directly with the site. 

So really the big upside here is getting rid of these points.

So if I go with Hotels.com, my base price for the trip is about $650 for 3 days in Cabo. 

If I booked it on it's own... wait a minute.. it's only $1k...hmmm am I really getting a deal? Cuz I'm technically spending the extra $500 in gift cards! And my flight cost only accounts for 1 leg! Okay, it'd technically be $1300 for the non-stop flight I have. 

So it's not much of a deal me thinks.

Anyway, I'm feeling kinda blah this morning. Not motivated to do much. And a bit hungry.

Monday check-in

 Today was another good day. Had a great therapy session with blonde therapist.

I can't believe we're dwindling down to our last sessions.

I'm hoping to be able to meet with her until end of August.

We talked about my relative. Blah. She said she's receiving some attention and affection that maybe would have been coming my way. 

Messaged Last Boy. He sent me a rude message. Gross. But I'm not beating myself up over it. 

I'm impatiently waiting for my new meds to arrive. It's almost 10p.

What a long day for the mailman though. Geesh!

I realized how much I like living near a park. There's so many people out recreating. It's awesome.

Also talked to Frenemy. 

I can manager her a little bit better now. She's like a boy who's not that into me. Which is fine. 

I know in a bit longer I won't have to deal with these people. Which is awesome. 

I got some alerts that VTSAX was at another 52-week high. So I checked my balances again. They are not skyrocketing like I thought. 

My Call Center 401k is at 99k which is really close to the 101k it was bought at when it was transferred. It's been awhile since it's been that high. 

I'm still keeping my sights set at 650k for the end of the year but 700k would be awesome!

Woot! I just saw the USPS truck drive by! I'm going to check the mail!

Another I like my life post...

 I was going to say I love my life! But I'm not quite there. I mean in the hyperbolic way, like I love Lucky Charms, I love my life. But not in the long standing steadfast way.

My 1 meeting for today got cancelled. All my leads are on vacation.

I started a load of laundry. Yesterday I finally sorted out a Hello Fresh order. I got confused with the menus but was able to get 3 meals delivered by Thursday. For under $40 which is great.

I still can't believe my summer ends in 2 weeks. Whoa!

I spent part of the morning trying to figure out my Winter Trip.

For now, I've tentatively decided to move the Cairo trip to November. And then go to Miami in December; that's something I can do last minute. I'll have to because my short term rental companies don't open up bookings this early.

This felt like more bang for my buck. 

What I am getting tempted to do is find another travel agency for the Cairo trip or book on Expedia. But I think for safety reasons, I should probably stick with some level of support by going with a company. But the prices on Expedia are sooo resaonable, I'm very tempted.

I sat outside for about an hour I think. Other than the bugs, it was very pleasant. I could probably just wear pants and that might be easier.

I think I'm going to eat some Lucky Charms later.

I'm getting a lot of potatoes in my meal kit and I have some Spam I want to use. So, I think I'll make potato salad, sans veggies instead of potato wedges. I have some mixing bowls that will be easy to clean and foil. Whoops, I gave away my plastic wrap.

But good thing. Because my summer is winding down. Only 1 weekend left in Summer House. Wow!

This week, I'm supposed to make a shortlist of apartment for Newtown. I'm nervous!!!

It seems huge.

I don't know where to start. I have a default one but even that only has 2 vacancies right now so who knows what will happen between now and then.

I'm concerned, but also not. I mean, I'll find somewhere to live. It's just a matter of if it'll be a first choice or not. Yikes!

I have a long list of errands tomorrow as well. Gotta get some things checked off. 

Alright, going to do some of my PT exercises before tomorrow. Toodles!

Things are good...

 I had a more creative post title that reflected what I actually wanted to say. But you know my memory these days. 

Mostly, I just wanted to reflect on my mental state this fine Sunday morning.

Yesterday, I spent some minutes counting down the last 2 weeks in Summer House. I decided to just default to staying here the rest of the summer.

I hemmed and hawed over getting a Blue Apron meal. I wanted to get 3 meals to cover the next 2 weeks, but the earliest delivery date was next Saturday. That seemed so far away. Then by the time I figured what the heck that delivery date was no longer available. C'est la vie!

See...where before I would've probably cried or been frustrated.

I just feel...more capable. These little things don't disrupt my entire mental state.

Also I'm still calibrating recovery time. Mostly, I overestimate emotional and physical recovery. There's just some muscle memory with some stuff that is in conflict with my new found energy and outlook (ie, medication). 

I just spent $30 at the grocery store on essentially snacks. Way more than I would've spent on a deeply discounted meal kit, but I'm just unbothered.

I might even do laundry today.

I still grapple with trying to lounge as much as possible with my freetime but I'm finding myself more motivated to do other things.

I was reading a mommy blog and I liked how busy her day sounded. It was nice to echo some of her summer activities.

So far, this summer I've...

- Watched fireworks

- went to a baseball game

- ate roasted hot dogs

- roasted marshmallows

- played games

- sat outside

- read outside

- camped on my sofa

- watched TV

- read a bunch

- lounged around

- went to the park

- lots of hikes

- travelled

I'm having a pretty great Not Bummer Summer!

Haha, up until this moment I didn't even remember the picnic I missed yesterday #medication

There's just less time for lamenting.

I really enjoy my apartment complex. 

Oh! That's what I was going to write about... even if I don't use it. I like having it around. When I left my studio in The South for Pandemic House, I justified that the fancy school districts and parks were nice but I didn't utilize them, so why was I paying a premium to live by them.

Then I moved to a neighborhood with no sidewalks and realized I missed the people and environment that fancy parks and school districts attracted. Rabbits and foxes, my friends. You can't distill things down as much as you want. Most things come packaged. 

So yes, I've lived here over 3 weeks and only visited the park once. But I very much enjoy seeing all the people enjoying the park. The sounds of laughter. I like seeing people milling about. It encourages me to mill about as well.

Even the grocery store. It's walking distance, but I've only walked to it once. But I like knowing I could! It's just feelings, no logic. 

There are benefits that are not easily measured. 

I've always known I can be easily swayed by things I don't feel strongly about. And there's very little I feel strongly about, especially these days. It's why social media is a dangerous place for me emotionally. Even TV falls in that category. But TV provides enough entertainment value that I have to take the risk. 

So yeah. Financially, I'll probably spend more these next 2 weeks than a meal kit, but c'est la vie. 

That's where having a cool safety net feels amazing. For all the tears it took, I'm so glad I reached my leanFIRE number. This moment brought to you by financial security! 

I don't know if I've mentioned but my remote job seems a little uncertain in the long-term. Not the job itself (well insecure to some extent) but more the remote part. Now that we've re-orged, the new team is not a fan of remote work. But some peace of mind brought to you by: Financial Independence!

But since I'm sort of interested in being a millionnaire, if I had to move back to the South to complete that goal, I feel more open to it than I have been in the past. Because I know it'll be only a couple years and then I can bounce for good. I do better with finite goals. 

Anyway, it's a Sunday and I feel goooooooooood!

Also, this has been the longest stretch of no-red days I've had since December 2022. Woot!

Alright. Onward with my day!

There's a hike at 2p. Considering I still have a bunch of snacks to eat that I just bought, I might forego that. 

I did decide I'm going to see the Barbie movie on Thursday. And my snacks will be salted popcorn +/- Corn Pops ($5) and Twizzlers. There's no Dollar Tree around here and I didn't price them at the grocery store, but that's what I have in mind. 

Yay! And I think on errand day this week, I'm going to purchase tickets for the paddleboarding events next week. I was trying to replicate 2 outdoor events this week, but couldn't figure it out. Not sure I'll have the energy after PT this week. 

Do I really need to change my name?

 I realized that by leaving the South, I have the option of reverting back to my old name. It certainly would make some things easier. 

Like my passport and some of my bank accounts. 

And verifying my education.

But then I thought, there's no one particularly significant in my life that I would have to explain this to. And now that I'm embarking on this new adventure, it would be cool to deeply punctuate it with my new name.

Just to cross off the last 40 years of my life. 

So even if I live 40 years or 30 or 20 or 10, or 1 more, it will be cool to have this inflection point.

I think I started to pause because with my medication my deep seated negative feelings about myself and my history in The South don't feel as important.

And I wonder if the name change might be a reminder of that.

But I think I can rebrand it like I'm finding I'm having to do now that my brain isn't trying to kill me. 

It could just be a celebration of life. I don't necessarily have to forget all the "bad things" that happened over the last 40 years. But I can celebrate them too - like my 3 degrees; the cool adventures I have (and left to have); being raised by my aunt who has loved me more than anyone on earth; and even cool people I've met. 

So the new name doesn't serve to negate those things anymore. 

The new name celebrates me. My commitment to myself. My re-vitalization. My next chapter. People change their name all the time, lest we forget. 

And eventhough Christianity is not as strong of an identity anymore, I still loved the Bible stories where people got new names as they progressed in life. So I don't mind the callback to that.

So my new name is a celebration. It's a part of the culminating event I've been looking for. I did it! I lived 40 years on this earth against so many odds! I did it, kids! I did it. Let's celebrate. And let's live on for what's next. 

In this moment, it's the first time 40 years left doesn't feel so long. Can you believe it???!!

30 Days on Zoloft

 Alright, friends! I'm back from my work trip and while I mentally wrote to you while I was away, I never actually signed on to this here blog. 

It's been 30 days since I've been on generic Zoloft (sertraline), so I thought I'd document this experience. Since so much of my funds as of late has been going towards mental health.

If you'll remember I was able to get the prescription online at one of those online therapy/doctor sites. So I had to talk to no one. The whole interaction took less than 30 minutes and my prescription was mailed.

It took me about 30 days to actually start it. I think it was around the last weekend in my old house and I wanted to be excited but I felt myself starting to cry. So I figured at the very least the placebo effect would help enhance this experience that really ought to be more exciting. 

So I took it.

First - side effects. It BURNED! So during the last 30 days I've tried so many things to mitigate the burning. Three types of antacid/ heartburn meds. Eating. Sleeping. But as of the last week, it just became too much. I'm waking up coughing. And I thought I had a routine that mitigated that but nope. I'll go to sleep fine and then 3- 4 hours later, the acid makes its way up my throat and I'm awake hacking up a lung. Luckily, my workload has been light or able to be done at odd hours so I don't have to be completely alert at 8a when I just fell asleep at 5a. Small mercies, right!

The other side effect is insomnia. I've just accepted that no matter when I go to sleep, I'll be up in 2-4 hours. And not groggy, but just awake. That was a weird sensation. Because I've had trouble sleeping through the night for as long as I can remember since I started working, it's hard to say how much of it is history and how much of it is new. But this wakefulness feels different. Because I'm not awakened with racing thoughts or strong emotions. Or hot or groggy. I'm just awake!

Ok, so on to efficacy.

I think when I was reading horror stories about mental health meds, the word that resonated with me most was - fearlessness. That's the best way I can describe how I feel. I never really identified with depression. But the anxiety feels accurate. I'm just able to get over things faster. I find myself saying 'whatever' more. And just again being able to get over things faster.

Another way to try to describe how I feel is with my budget app. When I first signed up for the app, it kept alerting me to all these brokerage fees. And I felt compelled to act. Like OMG, something's wrong and I have to fix it. I think that's what anxiety is like. It's definitely how I would describe the plans to end my life. In simple terms, it felt like something was wrong and I had to fix it. And the only solution was to end my life. 

But I guess the medication mutes the alerts. My circumstances that seemed to be 'wrong' haven't changed remarkably, but it no longer feels like something I have to fix RIGHT NOW! So that's why I feel the medication working more on my anxiety than anything.

Off-handed comments don't seem to ruminate. Like even going to my work site for the better part of a week. I think I probably said some things or normally would have worried about things that I just couldn't give zero flocks about right now. Like they still happened, I just didn't dwell on them. I remember a co-worker saying 'whatever' to a disapproving comment and that stuck with me because that's kind of the mood I'm in a lot of the time. So it makes me think, that's how normal brains process trivial things.

The scientist in me also observed other things. I'm more forgetful. So, my thought is that's how the medicine works. It must target the same brain space as memory. It's hard to worry about something if you can't remember it. So I can recount old memories and assign some worry to them. But anything short-term, it's like my brain can't be bothered. It's like a sieve. Like the thought just flows through instead of being captured and held on to. 

I completely forgot to take my shredding items to work to shred. When I know in the past, I would have been thinking about it every day until I left. Or I left my food in the fridge at the hotel. Which that is an easy mistake to make. But I feel like in the recent past, I would've been unable to sleep thinking about it. So that's my theory on how anxiety and memory might be linked.

So I'll have to remember to set more reminders. My aunt used to describe me as the absent-minded professor. It feels like it's ringing true again.

But yeah the fearlessness reminds me of Old Me. I used to be more adventurous before I was keenly aware of consequences. And I think as far as socializing, where I see the difference, I'm more keen to sign up for stuff that sounds fun and I don't immediately worry about emotional consequences. But that's been a tougher habit to break. Cuz I have this built in system of waiting to do certain things after sleeping on it. But since I'm more forgetful now, I sort of have competing thoughts. 

So I think maybe that's where the 'depression' might be a bit unresolved. I'm still not that interested in personal hygiene and grooming. Or chores around the house like cleaning and cooking. There is still a part of me that wants to lounge around. And I don't want to give up my free time to do tasks. That part I haven't fully reconciled. I think a huge contributor to that angst is my wonky work schedule. My free time comes unexpectedly so it's hard to plan for and I feel like I want to savor it because a heavy workload could be just around the corner. 

I guess maybe I just have to plan to have fun, but know that if work requires my energy, work comes first. Ok, I think I can do that. So I guess, it's just that unpredictable level of energy. But I solved that last weekend by being able to forecast some days off.

So I think one difference I might see upcoming is just planning for the fun, but being flexible that I might have to cancel at the last minute. Plan for the best possible outcome I guess! It doesn't seem very frugal, folks! Yikes! 

But I think small amounts of money are okay!

Okay, all that being said. Since I want to give my throat a break and would love the opportunity to sleep through the night without waking up with acid burning my esophagus, I messaged the doctor. And he recommended generic Lexapro. He also said I could stop the Zoloft, but I'm not ready to. So I've been furiously checking when the Lexapro is due to arrive. 

My plan is to transition from Zoloft to Lexapro with no days off in between. I don't want to experience any withdrawal/discontinuation symptoms. There were a lot of patient stories of the heartburn with Zoloft. And there are a lot of patient stories of the Lexapro and discontinuation. So I'm not looking forward to that. My hope is to make it to 8 weeks because believe it or not, that's how long the clinical trials were for these meds. Isn't that wild! 

What I liked about the Zoloft is that was indicated for premenstrual dysphoric disorder which meant people were taking it on and off during a month. Which to me meant the discontinuation symptoms were tolerable or minimal. 

Not the case with Lexapro. 

In other news, I think I'm thinner. I don't have a scale but when I look in the mirror, I feel like I look thinner. But I think my weight fluctuates in summer and winter anyway. I don't get as hungry in summer. And in winter all I want to eat is carbs and nap. 

In other, other news. I may or may not have bought some tickets to crash a committee member's trip. It's at an all inclusive resort so there's no telling how that will work. But that just feels like another thing I've done now that I'm more fearless.

Also, another committee member's smug attitude was getting on my nerves. We met for lunch, and I still feel some resentment that she's living the life I thought I was supposed to have. It's hard being around her sometimes. I realized it's because I'm still needing emotional support from my friends and they're just not able to give me what I need. I went to Maryland thinking I'd have this great reunion with some old committee members but that kind of fizzled when I got back in touch. I'm not sure why these feelings happen. Because this isn't a new feeling, I don't think it's medication based. But eventhough I'm thinking about it now, it's more because it's an old feeling. And I know it will fly out of my brain soon enough.

Ok, that's all for now. I need to get food.

Also, also! Um, there's only 2 weeks left in interim housing!! Can you believe it. Where did my summer go?! 

So sleepy

 It's 4p and I've been in bed all day. I had to force myself to get up. My throat pain is at a 1.5. It seems taking the medication at night can lead to insomnia. But I didn't have any coughing. Had a 2-3 burn on the 3 med cocktail. Ugh.

I hate not having control of my sleep or energy level.

I'm not sure how much longer I can deal with this.

I feel hungry and I have quite a bit to do today in prep for my trip - dishes, tidy, pack.

And I still need to feed myself today and tomorrow. There isn't much food left here. 

Some observations

 I love a good lie-in!

I know for the most part that's kind of what I do all day. But today it feels especially luxurious. I've been looking forward to it since yesterday. And it feels as glorious as I imagined.

And I'm taking a bit of a drug holiday. I know I can't stop taking the sertraline cold-turkey, but I'm waiting until the very last minute today. I'm taking that plus the pepcid plus the prilosec and will just deal with the conseqences later.

My throat hurts and my stomach feels weird. I just need a break from all the foreign substances!

But I am feeling hopeful. For a long time I was afraid of early retirement because I was having so much trouble filling up my day. And the vastness of it was overwhelming. It probably contributed to a lot of my death plans. It just felt like a problem I needed to solve. Maybe this is is some weird form of anxiety. I don't know.

But a week like this week makes me feel...makes early retirement feel less daunting. I did less than 8 hours of focused work, but I did 3 social outings + 3 doctor's appointments/physical exertion appointment. And I was tired and looking forward to a rest day. And I had a full rest day on Thursday. But it still felt like a full week.

Gosh my therapist was right just being out of the trauma and getting rid of the house. Like it's just freed up so much mental space. The human body continues to amaze me. There are some things you just can't know until you're in it. Until the burden is lifted or the experience is happening. Wow. That's tough to plan for right. It feels like by now some of these things should be knowable as a human race. So that was very enlightening.

The current blog I'm binge reading is documenting her story after the birth of her child. She is loving it. I've been trying to look to the circle of life and just nature's way to give me some information on what's next for me. But this idea of re-birth, typically in the form of child rearing, has some clues. While I won't be bringing a child in the world, I think some aspects of that are what the next stage of life is designed for. Just seeing things with new eyes. (The blogger was talking about how she wants to show her baby everything...point everything out to him..and teach him things...and how it's causing her to notice more things.) So I think that's a good starting point for me. Just trying to see life with new perspective. Trying to pick out things intentionally for myself that I would enjoy. Right now, I'm framing it as parenting myself. But like with a little more knowledge and wisdom. I think a little bit about Dr. Pat's advice that feminine energy loves herself first and then shares that love.

I think the biggest difference I've noticed with the medication is less worry and anxiety. I still have those stirring feelings. But either they don't last as long or I just forget about them. Or they just don't seem like I need to solve them. Or I just solve them and move on. I don't think about them too much. So I don't necessary feel happier, I just feel less worried. And so that makes me want to do more things or I feel less barriers to do things. It's just occupying less of my mental space, I guess.

Also, I really enjoyed showering before bed. It just felt clean and appropriate for bedtime. I realize though I prefer more texture to my sheets. I'm currently sleeping on a towel, and I use a fleece robe as a cover. 

What else.... money stuff. I'm still in the slow process of moving money for two transactions. Still trying to send money overseas. And still trying to buy a brokered CD with my house sale proceeds. I'm guessing by end of July, these things will be done.

There's not much else I did with my money after my Q2 check-in. I think things will probably be in flux until the end of this year. And I really don't even know what the year after that will look like. 

Today is a good day!

 I lament so much on this blog, that I have to document the good days.

It started out rough. Yesterday I tried prilosec for the first time. And it was a rough night. I didn't sleep well and was quite awake at 5a. I had PT at 9a so that was on my mind.

I woke up groggy and went.

She worked my arms.

That was the second appointment of the week, add that with my social/physical activities and my body just feels worn out. And I rested pretty much all of yesterday. 

But I made it and did the PT exercises. I came home and tried to rest but the burn was real, so I made some toast. I am not a toast kind of girl.

It helped marginally.

I tried to rest but couldn't decide on anything. Answered some work emails. Then maintenance came. I had a meeting in the afternoon that kept getting moved around.

So while maintenance was here to avoid just laying around, I actually worked on a deliverable I had due. (I was planning on pushing it to the weekend since my brain was tired.) But I just kept plugging halfheartedly and just finished it. I pushed the meeting from this afternoon to the week after next when I come back from the workshop.

So, mostly I feel good about just getting that done! That was hanging over my head.

The only thing I have to do this weekend, now that my laundry is done, is just pack for work trip. I let the rental company know I'll be out next week.

I haven't even looked at my ticket and stuff for next week.

I looked at apartments yesterday for funsies for Newtown and couldn't really identify a frontrunner. I think I'm not sure what I want. The whole enjoyment thing is not a familiar look for me, so that's still TBD. 

Also, Maryland Aunty is on the waitlist as my guest for my trip's events. So that's funny. But strangely, I'm not stressed since I wasn't counting on her being there when I made plans. But again, I'm glad I picked this back-to-school time to make the move. I like the excitement and that there will be a lot of people. 

My eyes are getting heavy so I'm so glad I did a first draft of that work project! Sheesh. I wish I could express how relieving that is!

What else.... I drafted a new will type document and actually got my brother to agree to what I am proposing. 

Ok, that's all for now. Going to lay down with my throat burning. I might take some pepcid tonight. This just won't do.

And I have an event tonight at 7p, so I'll probably need to be awake in 4 hours. Perfect!

Thursday check-in

 I had no meetings today and many of my immediate co-workers are on vacation, so I slept in a bit. And it was glorious. I've got quite a bit of sleep to catch up on with this new medication. 

I decided to just go for it and take the prilosec. Whatevs. I'm tired of worrying. I'll try it and see what happens. I think I might take the magic bean with some vaseline on it. Don't ask. I just want to see if it helps. I'm just a regular chem lab over here.

In other news, Maryland Aunty sent the email that she wants to visit Newtown with me. I already signed up for a few events and now the tickets are sold out! Whoops! I didn't tell her though. I emailed the organizer so I hope it works out. I'm sure some people will drop out. Also, I'm so glad I signed up last week! Geez! That's the second time that's happened! 

I was thinking last night, I should probably go ahead and book my flight from Newtown. As long as I book it refundable, there's really no risk. And if I happen to get bumped to another town, then so be it. Plus I was thinking, when I get back from work trip, it'll be about 2 weeks from when I need to fly out anyway, so might as well. 

I don't know if I'm locked into Interim Town though. 

I think I would still move in those two weeks. Wait, duh! I have to move if I get bumped. So might as well keep going. My next stop is 6 hours away. I'm thinking I'll just mosey on down and take a break after 3 hours to make it more bearable.  Almost excited. This time, I might actually try to figure out an audio book or something! Wait, I could probably do it from my cell phone... Well if I can get GPS to work...anyway....that's another problem to solve for another day.

This morning, I woke up with the strong desire to figure out my estate planning. The official trust seems complicated, so I decided to just write out some instructions for my wayward brother. He likely won't do it, but I have to try.

Going to work on that now!

Wed check-in

 Woke up almost 10a. I didn't even set my alarm because there was no way I was going to miss my 10a meeting. Ha!

I'm a social girl now. I got in after 11p; showered, and ended up watching a Hallmark movie. So I likely went to bed after midnight.

I was already tired yesterday, so it makes sense that I needed more sleep.

It's weird figuring out this sleep with my energy levels. I feel pretty sleepy right now. Not sure if I'll get to my work tasks. We'll see how Friday goes. 

Oh yikes! I forgot this is my last week before being on site next week. So I have to get it done.

OMG. I just took the medication on an empty stomach but as directed by my doctor, 60 minutes after omeprazole. My throat is on fire already. I didn't think this would work, but I wanted to follow the directions. Yeah, taking this on an empty stomach is the worst. 

I think the only thing that worked marginally better, was taking the medication with food and 20mg of pepcid. And then when the vapors start, take 20mg more of pepcid.

But I think I will try omeprazole tomorrow and see. I have PT this afternoon, so I'll stop at the grocery store and pick up the Prilosec. Might as well keep pumping myself full of meds.

In other news, my House Bridging Fund still has not reached its final destination. It's another week for broker to verify funds. Good thing I'm patient. My word! Oh well. 

Still trying to solve this get money overseas problem. Sheesh! 

Happy 4th!

 Today I woke up in a blah mood. Just feeling a bit overwhelmed. Like everything I wanted to do just required a bit too much energy. 

I tried yesterday again at another CVS to do the Moneygram but to no avail. 

And before I get into all that, I just had a knock at the door. It was so surprising, I actually answered it, thinking it might be maintenance or something. 

It wasn't! Some sketchy guy with gold teeth and a criminal record was selling books for inner city kids. It was way weird! 

Is he casing the joint? So much for leaving my doors unlocked. Why are the crazies following me?! Grrr. I was just enjoying my peaceful summer house. Oh well. I probably won't be as keen to leave my door unlocked when I leave for a short period of time, but I am determined not to be afraid.

I might sleep with a knife under my pillow for the time being. Maybe?

Anyway, I took my medicine this time with the pepcid and a full glass of water. I had a banana and a Kent mango. The mango was tasty and filling. I'm glad I got it!

So I'm feeling a bit better. 

I kind of just want the day to relax and be happy. I might have Thursday for that. Because I will likely need to work on my work tasks tomorrow.

I really don't feel like doing any laundry and I'm not sure what to wear tonight to combat the heat but also mosquitoes. 

Ugh, that weird crook is still on my mind. I hope I forget him soon.

So today has been a day. And it's just getting started.

Another great day!

 I woke up! 

I slept through the night with no heartburn coughing spells.

I did some work!

I went to therapy!

I went to a walking Meetup, and didn't die of heat!

And I was able to procure some tickets for an event tomorrow!

Aaaaaand we have the day off tomorrow!

It's looking good.

I watched a reality TV show and ate almost a whole bag of popcorn.

I really gotta stop buying more snacks since I don't know how long I'll be here and I'm going to be gone next week! 

I didn't feel like cooking. So I guess some habits die hard. But I am hopeful that in retirement, I will have more of a routine for things like cooking/eating and hygiene. Where before I thought I would just slip away.

I'm looking forward to getting there. 

I got some more alerts from my broker that 3 of my funds reached 52 week highs! So of course I had to check my budget app..and I also reached a net worth high! Yayyy! So if I can maintain that for the rest of the year, that would be awesome.

Most of my old funds haven't reached their 2021 highs but that's okay. It's nice that I'm still contributing so my balance sheet still goes up. Yay!

It's interesting to watch shows with so many younger people. It helps me to feel more satisfied with how my life is. While we are all warned against comparison, sometimes reminders and reflections are good. 

I feel good. 

I showered and brushed my teeth today, too!

I'm debating on whether I'll cook my 3rd meal this week before I go. Probably, now that I think about it. 

I got charged 2 bank fees in the last couple days for churning things that I just forgot about. Yeah, I think I'm going to put churning on hold for 2024. I just have other things I want to focus on. 

So I am getting to know my limits for socializing. Like today, I was pretty tired to walk at 5:30p. But I went anyway. And the organizer gave us the option to leave after the first 2 miles, and I took it! I was ready to be done. 

So, I still don't think that when I get to Newtown, I'm ready to make 'making friends' a goal I actively pursue, but it's nice. I want this, and I want community. But it has to be more passive for me to take the pressure off. I don't really want to set myself up to fail. I think I can still only confidently pursue things that are largely dependent on my own action, not anyone else's. So for example, I can plan to attend events I enjoy and do things that make me happy. And if someone does something interesting, I might comment, etc... but I don't need to speak to x number of people at an event, or make x number of friends by y date. That's what the difference is for me. 

I'm almost looking forward to turning 40. I'm happy I decided to wait a bit before moving to Newtown. 

I'm going to have a nice relaxing evening with all my bug bites. And looking forward to a nice day off tomorrow. I need to do some laundry because all my clothes are in the wash! 

And Wednesday will be a nice day back because I just have one meeting and can focus on the work task that is in progress. So all in all, a good start to the week. And that's already the first few days of July!

Sunday check-in

 Well, I don't remember hacking my way through the night. I didn't go to sleep until well after midnight, and it did start to feel like a sleepover. The algorithm served up too fun rom-coms and I wasn't even feeling bitter that the ingenues were skinny white women.

I'm starting to feel like my old self again. Just not feeling the weight of the world.

I think I'm going to go to this 4th of July event baseball game. Because... um, hotdogs, baseball, and fireworks. What's not to love about an American summer. I'm totally giving into the algorithm! The only thing to solve is getting tickets. Someone on Meetup is selling their ticket, but I don't really have a money app yet. So it's either that or going and sitting by myself. But I actually am fine with it. I already made change to take the bus and everything!

And work tasks was starting to make me nervous. But I have both Monday and Wednesday to work on Ice Queen's tasks, so technically, I should be fine. It just would feel a lot better to enjoy Monday and Tuesday's events if I didn't have work looming. 

If I do become social again, I will much rather prefer call center work to my current job. Because call center work can be left at home and it's predictable. Oh well. I am hopeful though, in this moment, that I'll be okay in early retirement. I've been worried that I'm having such a bad time with all this freetime that it will be even worse when I retire.

But just like getting rid of The House, you just can't always predict how you will feel once a burden is lifted. 

I realize I'm shifting from looking for events to manage my mood to actually looking for things I might enjoy. Bonkers, right! Is this what it's like for other people?? Haha.

So, Warm State in December is still unsolved. For now, I'm thinking of booking International Trip from Newtown and then returning to Newtown and seeing how I feel. Thus giving myself the option of going to Warm State from mid-December to mid-January. The only downside is I will not be off the entire time. But that might be the better compromise if I can't decide. 

The biggest downside of just planning to book to be in Warm State for all of December is the week long International Trip. And also, I won't be able to book housing until November, so it's hard to know what the prices will be. And also, I think there's something relaxing about coming home after an overseas trip. So not sure I'm going to want to be somewhere else other than my own bed with my own routines. 

Again, having to manage emotions. 

Ok. I am officially covered in bug bites. I didn't even believe bugs existed, but they do! And the fact that I didn't even feel some of these bites until this morning makes me wonder if I got bitten while I was sleeping. 

Um, at 4a it looks like someone was trying to access one of my accounts. Kind of scary. I'm hoping it was just an aggregator app, but I haven't gotten that notification all this time, so a little concerned. Just going to try to be a bit more vigilant I guess. 

I spent a couple hours yesterday watching these cash stuffing videos on YouTube and it was fascinating. I don't understand the appeal. 

OMG! I just found a mosquito! I knew it! Because I don't remember being bitten yesterday like this. I was just a sitting duck. I should probably sleep in the bed rather than the living room then. 

Anyway, back to the YouTube videos. It did make me a bit wistful. I wish there were something I could do easily that could make a nice chunk of change. Oh..yeah, work! Except I can't do it easily. Anyway, that was a nice reminder. 

But oh the fascinating thing that I find about all these budgeting videos by young people. And even with the cash stuffing is that their budgets are variable based on the priority of the moment. I've been fortunate enough that once I started my personal finance journey it was mostly with the intent of securing my financial future, not debt repayment or overcoming over spending. I didn't really have to give up anything I loved. Like Starbucks or shopping. Well, I did give up cable, but it wasn't like I loved it. I think probably the thing I gave up was my nice apartment, but also it stopped feeling nice, and just felt like a prison with bugs. And it wasn't like I gave it up to be able to afford something else. It was just I wanted to get to FIRE as soon as possible. 

It will be hard to untangle my personal finance journey from my mental health journey. Because one was used to mitigate the other.

Now that my mental health is on the mend and I reached my leanFIRE number, it'll be interesting to see how the rest of my life goes.

Maybe this is a new start. Maybe I get to enjoy the next 40 years instead of trying to cut it short. I don't know. No promises. I just took 20 mg of pepcid to prepare for eating, so hard to look too far into the future. 

Today's plans

- cook dinner

- eat donuts

- watch TLC

- try not to think about work

Saturday check-in

 Oh what a day! I ended up waking up...with an alarm.. I was kind of asleep so I lingered a bit. But decided it would be worthwhile to go to the nature walk. 

I'm glad I did! It was warm but not unbearable and we were walking under tree canopies so it was shaded because one we got out to the parking lot, I was ready to melt. There's no way I would've lasted 2.5 hours in parking lot heat.

But forested shaded warmth was manageable.

It was a slow meandering. So nothing ached. I came back with a few new bug bites. And lots of spider webs. 

But overall, I'm glad I went out.

I ended up stopping for some donuts. Which I meant to eat with my pill. But forgot. I was too stuffed, so I tried to take the pill afterward and the heat is rising up in my throat. I took 20 mg of pepcid about 45 minutes before and I'm not sure it's doing anything.

Anyway, I was feeling good about the walk, so after I got the donuts, I decided to get some gas. And I needed to send some money overseas. I stopped at CVS but they didn't have the machine. Then I stopped at a bodega and they didn't have the machine so it was Cash Only. I would never walk around with that much cash. So after two tries, that was enough. 

There's another walk on Monday, so I might try again then.

I'm pretty much in for the rest of the weekend. Trying not to die of heartburn. The thing with eating a big meal is you want to take a big nap. 

So something's gotta give. I can't keep eating these big meals. I don't even like the way they make me feel.

I'm a snacker through and through. 

And this much planning is not really working out for me. 

So that's my weekend thus far. I still have a headache even after drinking all this water. 

But anyway, I was really proud of myself for going on the walk because I really was thinking of cancelling.