Adventures on Ashley Madison and More!

Hello, friends. It may not have been forever, but it feels like it. Some days feel like so much happened, while other days are as unmemorable as the year has been. 

After the moratorium on work, I needed new ways to distract myself and my thoughts. So as you know I joined some dating apps. I don't remember what my objective was - a date, distraction, a relationship, marriage? Maybe all of the above if dared to dream big. But with reality a constant reminder, I kept my expectations at bay...until I didn't. 

As we all know, I'm a big sucker for Feelings. They hijack my life most of the time which is why things like money matters have to be automated because most of the time I just don't FEEL like doing anything about it. I know my limitations on that front.

Anyway, I have so much to say and yet nothing at all. I'm learning a lot about my personality - nothing earth shattering just different parts of my personality are being magnified in this romantic experiment.  Namely, I'm an anxious girl. I want what I want when I want it! 

For my first 30 years of life, I went into every life experience with the hope that the ultimate outcome would be a meet-cute followed by true love. NEVER HAPPENED. So I gave up and loosened my morals a little. 

I'm 37 and my loose morals have come back into focus again. 

With 2 months of a light workload and the upcoming holiday season, I needed a distraction and fast. My tears couldn't keep me company anymore because they stopped coming. Busy work couldn't hold my attention anymore. At least after 37 years, I knew this time of year was coming. There is something cozy about fall and the holiday season that makes me extremely nostalgic and happy and effusive. I just want to love all the people. And when they don't want to love me back, it sucks. 

So I got on the dating apps. A couple of bad apples made me delete them multiple times in 1 weekend. But the call of fall reminded me to focus on some companionship for the remainder of the year. Then work started to pick up and I wondered if that would be enough. Somehow, working nights and weekends just don't have the same appeal they once did.

So back on the apps. Hinge was going nowhere.

Recap of Hinge.

2 Fast Flames that burned out after 2 days. Womp, womp. They weren't dates, but for the sake of storytelling, I'll call them 2 dates. I can't seem to make it past the second date. 

So that got less fun. To be fair, I do tend to burn hot and cold. I'm part 'let's work it out' girl and part 'love-bomb' girl. I romanticize every encounter and fast forward to our happy ending. But alas, I can't seem to make it past 2 dates.

So then I decided to re-brand the experience as the "entertainment" the app owners market it to be. Just re-consider my interactions as mini love stories. Duh, my favorite! 

So I persisted. I mean the holidays are right around the corner - I've even encountered my first set of porch privates in action. That can only mean one thing - holidays are coming! 

I have to recalibrate moment by moment it seems. But when I take the person (me) out of the experience and just focus on the experience, it's more fun. I realized I somehow feel obligated to people that are literally strangers on the internet. What is that about?? Like I have to invent these elaborate stories of why I can't meet or give out my phone number when really - I don't want to. 

I don't think you're that cute. You don't do anything for me. You're too aggressive. But we all know none of that stuff matters, when you like the other person. Who even knows what 'like' means - they have a cute picture + nice job? That seems to be it for me. Don't be weird. And be really into me. 

I realized I'm a really great storyteller. I realize I feed off the other person's energy. I morph into whatever I think will best suit the situation. I don't think this is as bad as I thought it was. I think we all save face in one way or another when we interact with people. You don't cuss and wear a bathing suit to church. Just like you don't wear a nun's habit and hold bible study at a bar. That's just being a human with good social form. 

Enter Ashley Madison. Somehow, the propositions on the regular dating apps were a turn off. Maybe the guy wasn't cute enough or I don't like the presumption even though I've been known to do the same thing. Humans. 

It was taking too long to find a good date and someone I'd want to be in a relationship with let alone get busy with. 

So I went with Plan B- find a FWB that won't make it weird. 

In my short time on the regular dating apps, I felt like the guys I interacted with almost were turned off by a woman who was too forward. So it seemed to reinforce the stereotype that guys like to be the hunter and pursuer. They were not as willing to pull the trigger when the tables were turned. I found them cowering in retreat. Oh well, just change the channel. Remember this is for entertainment purposes only. 

So... I asked the internet and learned that Ashley Madison was free for women to join. I wasn't sure what to expect as there was surprisingly little on the experience for regular people. So I uploaded two of the photos from my regular dating profile and set out to see what I could see.

Like the first weekend of Hinge, it was awesome! I don't know if these apps can just sense newbies and give them the best experience and then it tapers off or if it's just a high I feel from the newness. In case you didn't know, I used to love trying new things! 

On Ashley Madison, I am a 27 year old attached female looking for flirty chats and possible short term FWB.  Being 27 was such a genius move. I love the attention! There I said it. Guys 20 to 30 years my senior are into my "young" nubile photos. Haha. 

Since I'm lying, I figure at least some portion of the guys on there are lying. I have a hard time believing they're all really married. I choose the stereotype that they're just jerks looking to hookup without having to commit. Fine, I'm here to play too! 

I was feeling bolder the first weekend I joined and was willing to hookup but it was even hard then to get the guys to pull the trigger. They're paying money to be gun shy.  One issue I ran into was finding a place to actually meet, since everyone is pretending to be married. I think there were a couple that offered to get a room, but I don't remember why that didn't materialize.

I don't have a phone! So, I spent most of one weekend day trying to activate my phone. That would make me feel safer. I'm also pretending to live in my old neighborhood which is a lot more affluent than the one I live in. So I have had to dodge quick turnaround times since it's likely a 2 hour drive for me. 

So that was my first roadblock - get a phone first MERJ.

Then it got cooler and I was like meh, do I really want to leave my house? No!

But the dirty chats have been super fun. It's like I'm starring in my own smut romance novel. For once, I get to be the star. I'm the ingenue in my own narrative instead of the best friend or side kick. I had heard before that white guys secretly fantasize about being with black girls. My oh my is it very true on this site. 

I would love to say I feel bad or offended, but so far it's really fun.  Everyone is there for the same reason - to type out a fantasy. 

I had over 100 requests to interact within a few days. I don't understand the requests from people out of the country. From a technical standpoint, the site is a little confusing to figure out. 

I didn't originally have any criteria, and I try to create some sort of filter to get through the messages but even that has been inconsistent. Sometimes I want to just flirty chat and other times I like the idea of leading up to meeting for a hookup. 

What I didn't realize till later was that the guys pay PER MESSAGE. So for now, the cheapskates that immediately want to text or email or kik or snapchat don't get my attention. If I wanted to be treated poorly like a cheap date, I could live my normal life. See, what I mean by entertainment. On this app, I feel so powerful and desirable. I can say No!! Well sort of.. the ones I actively engage I actually feel bad trying to hold them off (like I said I run hot and cold). 

My best experience by far has been a love bomb by a 45 year old. He has messaged me constantly for about 5 days. And the messages range somewhere around 25 to 40 cents PER MESSAGE.  (I wish I could get a cut off that!) That part alone makes me love it! We are in this great erotic romance novel and it feels amazing.  It has been just the right amount of distraction I need to not focus so much on the few that actually want to hook up. 

But I feel he's starting to cool off a little. But hey, I made it past 2 days!!! Progress. 

Anyway, that's pretty much what I've been up to these last few days - compromising my morals and getting into things.

Oh I also got my hair done just in case a date materializes out of all of this.

It's funny, last night the well was a little dry and I was feeling a little forgotten and I wondered if I should just get off the apps and focus on work and self care (you know me... one extreme to the other), then I thought about messaging my old roommate from college. Nope! That was a good reminder of exactly what I'm in store for if I don't stay on the apps and try to either remain distracted or find a regular companion to help me pass the time. I will be pining for people that have not prioritized me in their life. I can't go back to that. Onwards, MERJ!

Other news

Nothing else really. 

I bought a freezer full of food and have been refusing to cook. I wonder if I should get another cooked food delivery like I did last year. The two dishes that I liked were great in a pinch. Warm and filling. Maybe I'll ask my brother for the local lady that cooks and ships food. My freezer is pretty full, but maybe I can squeeze in 2 to 3 more bowls just to have as backup. I think I will do that actually just to give myself options. 

I sent 2k overseas to my family when they asked. I did it without blinking. The only tricky part was I'm running lean on cashflow so had to move money around to get that much in one account. But it was actually an okay ask because I'd been wanting to send $500/mon anyway. So my giving for the year is done. 

I have a project that was just assigned that has the potential to keep me busy for the rest of the year. Womp, womp. I was just settling into my light workload life. Oh, well.  I have no meetings today so I have to figure out what to do with myself. 

I want some pancakes. 

37 Years Later Finally Learning to Say No

 I am a hopeful romantic.

I put up a lot of rules and the guys don't like it. Then it makes me think I need to re-evaluate my rules to "get them to like me." It sounds sickening just to type that. But who am I if not the blogger that bares her soul to strangers.

The latest Crush turned Terrible (it's so hard not to use profanity when that's the only way I can think of to describe terrible people) was a good example.

For the first 24 hours of matching, I was crushing on him hard. As I am wont to do (and I suspect most women), I mapped out the next 5 years to Life. 

In one version of the story, we would meet, have magical candy love and ride off into the sunset. 

In another version, we would meet, have a wonderful weekend together and date long distance for a few years and then confess our undying love for each other, move mountains, and live happily ever after.

You get the idea.

It's so fun! Until it isn't.

Turns out he's another thinly veiled Terrible. 

Literally, the façade started to deteriorate but I was still holding onto my romantic fantasy... when...

Me: I'm a California girl at heart! 

Him: Yeah, you want that celebrity c*ck!

What in the heavens! For a second I thought I was talking to the 40 year old. Like... I have yet to have a serious conversation with anyone on these apps. It's like anxiety inducing. How soon will sex come up?  I almost appreciate the ones that bring it up right away so you know from the beginning.

I get it's a dating app and apparently dating means so many different things to so many different people. I'm put off by the guys that ask for a date right away, but then I'm not sure if that's the right stance since it is a dating app. 

But to me, the sheer volume of time, money, and effort that goes into an actually date only to find out 5 mins in that the guy is Terrible. For the ones that continue the chat on the app, the conversation dies so soon after with little effort that I'm always like, I'm so glad I didn't go on a date with you.

I've been using COVID as an excuse because I literally freeze when I'm put on the spot. 

One of them I gently redirected even admitted he hasn't gone on any dates. But yet was pushing me hard to go out publicly. 

I think for me it's like... inconsiderate? Why would I risk my life to hang out with you. 

So when I see guys's profiles that say things like "I don't want a text buddy" or "don't message me if you're not willing to meet," it makes me feel like I have to modify my behavior to "get the guy." BUT THAT'S THE WRONG MESSAGE.

My whole cry since birth has been why are women constantly evolving but guys can devolve or not grow at all and it's okay.

It's hard to have that battlecry though when everyone else around you has just folded.

I think I'm still just lost with wanting the fantasy and being faced with the reality. The constant lowering of standards because who wants to be 'dating' for years and years. 

Do I keep playing with the intention of what I want, or do I go in there with the scars of battlewounds. Who is my most authentic self?

And the sex question.

I literally have been called a slut (jokingly? is that ever a joke?) for sharing my history and then heckled if I say I'm inexperienced. I feel like a punchline at this point. This is literally every comedy writer's punchline but to live it. I wish I hadn't.  The next time I'm asked, I think I'll just say "the right amount."

But I'm in it for the sunk cost fallacy.

At the end of the day, nothing really surprises me as it's the story of Every Woman. But just to live it, is repulsive. 

It's still a distraction, but I wonder if it's the right distraction. It certainly isn't a positive experience. Am I even looking for love? 

In other news, against my gut instinct, I'm going for the first dose of the vaccine today. I really wanted to wait until January but I've been having reckless thoughts with the app so it's the lesser of 2 evils (getting sick or regretting not waiting till Jan). 

Anxiety and Misogynoir

 So yes, I'm back on the apps.

I have rejoined Hinge for the 3rd time in so many weeks. It was so fun the first time, but now it's getting nasty. Do Men even like women? It's something I've been wondering ever since watching more and more reality dating shows (Bachelor, Bachelor in Paradise, Love Island, Temptation Island). Do people even want to be in relationships or is it just a thing we do because it's a thing that's done?

On the apps people are always surprised that I've never been in a relationship. But for a woman that has a decent job and no desire for kids, what is the benefit? Truly?

I remember the moment I realized that life wasn't just a conveyor belt of things to check-off - that you actually had a say in some of the things. Why would anyone outside of religion choose marriage in today's world? Men kill women. Men hurt women. What is the benefit??

Some Bible teachers believe in terms of relationships life can be lived 2 ways only - celibate life of service or marriage. 

Having seen my aunt live 30 years without a partner (and never complained) the case for life with one is hard won. 

Here's how the 3 insults have gone.

Match 1

Me: Cost of living is so much lower here. It's why I left my old neighborhood. The median income of my old neighborhood is twice what is here.

Match1: (mansplanation, having literally done no research on it, something to the effect of..) I'm sure with all things considered, it's about the same

Me: (what fresh nonsense is this?? Is this where I demurely smile (virtually) and say you're so smart and brave... what are the rules here?? so I say nothing either for a few hours or a day) *thinking face emoji*

Match1: What does that mean?

Match1: Your conversation is clunky.

Me: Rude

That was pretty much it. I'm sure he had some explanation. But like... do they think they're now going to convert me into whatever he thinks I need to be. The height of toxic masculinity. So what are the norms here. Do you correct behavior. Do you address it? Is anyone willing to change? I was thinking the Golden Rule was if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all.  Do you provide unsolicited feedback? Does it make a difference? I certainly don't think they can change my behavior, so do I dare to think they can change mine? But our interactions with people whether we want them to or not become a part of our story.  Another thing I thought was you generally just try to work things out with people you care about, relationships worth keeping. That's what the internet says. You don't owe anyone else an explanation. 

Match 2

Tried to tell me through text on a dating app why I should get vaccinated. Literally toxic masculinity. The entire diatribe was problematic. He tried all the angles. "Smart people" get vaccinated. Basically, don't you know better. Are you reading misinformation. I mean just a beatdown from all angles. Mind you, I told him I was a clinician...and he's a comedian. But somehow HE was the authority not just on vaccines but what I should do with my body.  This is modern day courting?

Match 3

Told me I should get cats and die alone because I'm almost 40. It's hard not to be rude back in your head. This is because I wouldn't give him my phone number and said I would be willing to meet up when mask mandates are lifted. Obviously your feelings are hurt and you feel rejected but what does that have to do with me. So yeah, you put up boundaries and demand to respected you can expect an adult male to show his true colors. Again begging the question - do men even LIKE women? How are these people allowed to exist.

All I want to know is.. do I say something back or just Unmatch? 

I need to be better at taking screenshots. 

The first red flag was when I didn't respond to his compliment. He literally called me out on it - oh, I guess you don't like compliments. I feel like there has to be appropriate verbiage to name this behavior. Like you need that much validation from a stranger. Why do you hate women?? Let me try to think - it's as though he's putting words in my mouth...no... he wants to tell me how I behave..no... ugh... I'll think of it or read it somewhere...

Part of me was trying to have fun. Literally, just talking to strangers. Not rude people. So I cast a wider net. I didn't expect to catch stingrays. I'm so disengaged with social media that I had not really experienced internet bullying or trolls or people being nasty for no reason. I was just reading about women walking down the street and rude things being said to them. I didn't know this happened and happens even on dating apps when everyone is looking for someone. 

So my safer parameters are really:

Educated older men with professional jobs.

When I swipe Yes on a guy, I make sure they have a job listed and preferably a college. It's why I liked Hinge. 

But I was accepting all matches just for fun. Do I let one guy ruin my fun? I'll count the 40 year old as the first strike, this is the 2nd strike. I'll keep accepting matches for "fun" for one more strike, then I'm going to narrow my deal breakers and/or who I accept matches from.

That being said, I might get back on OKC and just filter more. 

Possible comebacks I came up with last night for funsies:

#pearlsbeforeswine

- sexy

- right

- Rude

- Misogynist / Did you know you were a misogynist?

- Future wife beater?

- Do you hate women?

- False

- just ignore (and make them wonder why I stay matched)

- yeah

- Nope

- Awww...poor baby

#misogynoir

- Yeah, I haven't been skiing since high school (thought: just make them feel crazy like oh I thought we were just saying random stuff that doesn't matter)

- oh you can see the future...when did you discover your gift?

- oh cool

- as my old job would say: That's amazing! I love that! (I guess in the same vein of ...oh I thought we were just saying random stuff that doesn't matter/ isn't true)

- oh cool, now I'm definitely into you!

- my favorite kind of man are Men that insult women

- I love emotional violence in a man!

- sounds accurate (got that from Chrisley Knows Best)

Racist Friend

Also in dealing with the vitriol on these apps, I realized my racist friend is a lot like these guys. If you're not paying attention to him, he's not interested. If he's not "winning" at whatever conversation you're having, he's not interested. And I always believed he used me but now I think the correct term is that I was his emotional booty-call. But like a true sunk cost believer, I keep trying to make it work. I unequivocally am not attracted to him or secretly harbor some fantasy of a romantic life together. But I just can't believe I was so wrong about him. About all of them (old friends). 

Anxiety Update

The few things that were making me anxious

- Waiting to hear from big job: Womp, womp. A Tuesday came and went and nothing. 

- Waiting to get test results back- they said up to like 5 business days but I got the results back Sunday night. And it was negative!! Praise the Lord!

Was that it? And it's more or less confirmed that my next project doesn't start till 2022.

Yesterday, I did get a strong urge to message old boss. I might do it to put some sunshine back in the day to recover from yesterday's nonsense. 

Not Everyone Gets the Fairytale

 Not everyone gets the fairytale. The first crush I ever had lasted for 10 years ..at least. I love romance. I do. It's whimsical and happy and it always ends with happily ever after. 

Is that kind of romance even real or is it akin to believing in dungeons and dragons and witches and warlocks. 

I don't see romance in the Bible. I see power and control and necessity. The unconditional love isn't found among humans. It's from God only. 

Maybe romance was an attempt to understand what that would look like on earth between the remaining humans. Oh, but it's so amazing.

Maybe romance is in the same cabinet of 'dream jobs' and 'happiness.'  It's this meaning we assign to things..often times after the fact.

If we're looking on the bright side of things. My first grade school crush lasted for about 10 years. I just knew in my adolescent heart it was this thing I had to have. He actually asked me out, and of course I said no. I didn't believe him or I wasn't ready. I don't know. 

But I know more than I give myself credit for. 

I know myself and my outcomes more than I often realize in the moment. That part is true.

I got asked out by a girl on Hinge. She was so intense -it was at once both extremely desirable and off-putting. One of the things I've often liked about other people is how much they like me. Like--oh you get it, I AM amazing...I'm glad we both agree. Someone who can see that right away...how can you deny yourself that? 

I unmatched her. I didn't want to be pressured into something like I was with the Forty Year Old (a mistake). How do humans stand a chance. The moment we are living is rarely just the moment. It's all the moments before. They shape and influence us. Sometimes for the better but more memorably for the worse. 

I deleted my old number. It's something I should have done a week or two ago. But I thought I could conquer the anxiety of rejection. Spoiler - still can't. It sucks. 

But if we're looking on the bright side.. this only lasted 2 weeks..instead of 10 years. That's progress. 

Money and choices made that possible. It was $10 to change and delete that number I hardly use. Each moment of silence was compounded rejection that just fueled Mean Brain.  $10 later I don't have to constantly check my phone or feel the pain over and over again. And this was a guy I didn't even like. 

I've never really liked any of the guys. Which makes me wonder if I like girls...a lot of people seem to think I do.  I like romance. I want someone to hug me, occasionally lay on top of me like a weighted blanket, and ask me how my day was.  Bonus points - if they can help me remember things ...like what my insurance policies cover or how awesome I am. 

Lots of people don't get the fairy tale ending. Even carefree white girls. I think that's why as much as they scare me, I like true crime stories. So many happy lives just ended for no reason. I can commiserate with those left behind. We are left asking why. Why didn't they get a happy ending?

I don't know what's worse being murdered by a stranger while you're minding your own business or having your life taken by someone who promised to love you...and did so long enough that your guard was completely down. 

So I think the anxiety of Big Job HR s\Screen was hijacking my amygdala again. But like the date, it was a gamble that seemed worth it. Apparently, that's not something I've been able to say no to.

At #almost40, I'm doomed to still get it wrong. Maybe it's the consequences of leaving room for hope. Maybe it's the consequences of not knowing what your Enough is. Or knowing it and not quite reaching it. 

Maybe it's the privileges of a Good Life. 

Who knows anymore.

So yes, what's making me anxious today:

- Big Job HR Screen (do they want me or not? if yes, will I make an impact? will I leave a legacy? will I be great at this job?)

- Test Results (less so, thank God)

- Deleted from anxiety roster: Will he or won't he??

Maybe it's autumn and I just want to be happy. These are things I already knew about life and myself. I hate that I have to be reminded but here we are. I live in Death House with my hairy body and Gold Tooth. This is my life now. The rest of it is just distractions. 

The Real Reason I Unmatched You and Reclaiming Myself

 The original title of this post was "Ghosted." But that felt like an action that was done to me. In this moment, I feel powerful. That felt like a thing that happened to ME instead of just a thing that happened. 

The 40 Year Old asked why I unmatched him. I was still trying to spare his feelings and test the waters but he didn't deserve it much like everyone who has failed to see how incredibly awesome I am. 

I unmatched you because you kind of suck as a person.

I unmatched you because you aren't very nice.

I unmatched you because I'm kind of amazing and I like people who tend to think so.

However because I'm either still stuck under the patriarchal umbrella of NiceGirl or just bad decision-making or because sometimes being a human is hard or I was weak or the Devil or I just wanted to love-bomb you and force you into thinking if I do this thing, you will like me and make it worth it that I compromised my values. Spoiler: it didn't. 

Financially-emotionally speaking, it was a sunk cost.

I knew you failed to recognize my value which is why I went over there in the first place. I can't attach to someone that sucks that much. How dumb must you be to not recognize diamonds and rubies. Silly, you.

But I figured I could just show you. It worked...for 2 days. I lost control of the situation because I was out of practice. It was like a slow trainwreck.

Anyway, once I remembered oh wait, I'm actually a beloved child of God who knows what it's like to be truly loved, I came to my senses. #youarenotit

So I unmatched you.

Then I remembered, I had a goal to not be alone during the holiday season. So Rational Brain was right to leave you in the dust, but Mean Brain convinced me to second guess myself and try to walk back a good decision.

Mean Brain: you'll be alone and do something even more desperate

Rational Brain: makes sense

Ugh. Stupid, Mean Brain. 

So yeah, I figured I'd want a few snuggles between now and New Year's. I took a chance and it didn't work. 

Oh well. 

Life is hard. It's all a struggle.

But then life is easy when you realize it's just a struggle. Stop fighting it. 

So I reclaim myself. I took a gamble and made a mistake. It was not without risks. I lost myself for a second because I was out of practice and a little bruised. Guardrails are there to protect me. You always get hurt when you hop the fence. 

Luckily, God still loves me and we reconnected. He's awesome.

What does this have to do with money.

Well, it's 3a and it's about the 120 millionth time I looked up early testing. So I'm spending the $120 FSA dollars to get tested early.

I've read myself into a circle about the benefits and false positives and false negatives. I've emotionally hemmed and hawed at the benefit of knowing early.

Yesterday, I was fine to wait 4 weeks, but we all know patience is not one of my virtues. 

I made the appointment, I just need to order the test.