1 month done! also save the date: Apr 2

 is it a countdown to my life?

idk

so docking my laptop has definitely...or at least seemed to help with my constant checking of email

i still have my ipad that i'm on 24/7....but can't check email on that

but yes the siren call of checking my email in the morning still exists

when i'm in bad i have all these things i want to write down...but once i sit in front of the computer... meh

i think i will get an ipad pencil so i can take notes on my laptop for journaling

also want to download calm app

thinking of what structured solitude might look like

no's still sting

not as badly and not as damning...but still suck

decided to stop playing mental games with my employer...

depending on how you look at it...well i can reframe what will be about 5 months of paid leave/no workload...so it'll take that

vs trying to work some magic into a formal layoff

i got what i needed... i need to move on...

no more shenanigans

so i'm going to try to completely disconnect in february

what that looks like

- no checking email or workday

- no writing anymore letters (unsent, just mental and written drafts and chat gpt screenshots) asking for severance and layoff

i'm free

i'm really free

and again spending money seems to be no problem

leave my shenanigans to bank bonus and card churning...the true taker of time 

thinking i might see if i can pay for my bro and i to go to family reunion in africa

for me alone it's 7k

we shall see...

still enjoy looking at my net worth

thinking tomorrow might be time for an adventure

my adventure buddy is kind of out of commission for awhile...

so...time for a solo trip??

current plan for any work money received from now

- 6k to help family overseas

- 4k marketplace insurance

and that's all i remember...ha...it's in a notebook somewhere...

ok...off to do more relaxing....

thursday

 woke up around 9a

it's nice and drizzly outside

not too cold inside

had a thought of maybe going to family reunion for the first time this year. it'll be in my country of origin. would be nice for origin-mom to see all her kids in the same place for the first time in 30 years... i guess

i'm getting soft

would probably have to pay for brother to go...costly

more reason to try to extend STD to get extra funds

we'll see

first financial consulting guy flaked yesterday

i still get angst in bottom of throat with any kind of meeting... 

have interview for summer camp job today

angsty

i'm mostly prepared thanks to chatgpt...didn't practice nor anything...just trying not to think too hard...if it was something i could get in my 20s...surely getting it in my 40s should be easier...right? who knows!

not sure if it was just a paper app before though...now it's a video interview...

need to check how my video looks

it's so nice not having to worry about money...it just bears repeating over and over and over for the rest of my life...

but social anxiety still exists... i guess

i am succeeding at being gracious with myself on not going to too many activities... i do pause a lot more than i used to...which i'm keeping an eye on... 

this year is my discovery year.. we shall see

maybe i should go visit my friend for her birthday!

wouldn't that be fun...

life notes

 it's wed

it's a full week of no work

and i love it

i did wake up with some angst stuck in my throat

but it's because of a work with a colleague who wants to talk personal finance

i've been posting on our group's slack channel and i guess it caught their attention

tomorrow i have an interview for a summer camp job; i think it'll be an okay amount of suffering for the year; if i don't get it, it won't be the worst thing in the world; because after almost a month, i've been managing my free time pretty well

i still enjoy cancelling plans

and i still struggle with "should i be doing [x]"

where x is anything from eating veggies to talking to a friend or anything really...

but i'm hopeful it will remain manageable

i've been watching old seasons of survivor and that takes up some good bits of time

if i can stay in bed until 11a the day goes by much faster

i have accepted i will likely never return to my slim frame because of the lexapro...and i'm surprisingly okay with it; the alternative is dieting which is not sustainable for me

my small circle of regular contacts is my old college roommate and my 60 year old aunt; my neighbor...less so than last year; but i like him a lot so i want to keep him; but he's a grumpy old man the last 3 months...so not sure on that 

finances are stellar and stable

i just applied for another travel card on a whim; the bonus seems easy to meet and if i do..it'll give me a 1k head start to my fancy $6k trip to Yellowstone

i'm working on figurinng out what i enjoy and trying to base my decisions and actions and spending on that

i already find myself feeling more generous as hey, there's this pot of money i need to spend

so undoubtedly that transition has been easy! 

it helps when i make it a spending target where the goal is no longer to spend the least amount of money... i'm even socializing the idea with myself of upping my travel/lifestyle bucket this year

in other news...i'm also considering a cruise..

i think i'm pretty decided that i'm going to take the earlier of the retirement date rather than extend my short term disability...it's still a tether...i'd be losing or leaving about $21k on the table... so we'll see. but for now that's the decision...and the ruminating has been paused

i'm excited about doing my taxes. the software give you an audit risk score so that makes me feel better...it was exactly the kind of data i was looking for this year... so i love when that happens!

as for february... i have 2 solo trips on the books; and there are 2 group events structured.

i also have tutoring and a new activity i want to try

oh...news! i burned my hand in cooking class last week. oy! talk about needing health insurance. glad keeping that was never a question. 

okay...

going to work on some CEs now..

bye!

tues, jan 21

 i am up

i did a few things today that i'm happy about

i finally set up the heat schedule on the thermostat..yay...started thinking about it yesterday because i got so cold i finally turned it up from 55 to 68...ahhh

i wasn't doing it for savings cost, at least not as the main goal. i jus like it a little colder when i slept and i like having the space heater on my feet

and turning 40...i don't tolerate heat that well...

but yesterday....it was just really cold

right now it's 7*F outside...so...

and then last night i started to pen what my schedule has been the last couple weeks...

i've enjoyed being in bed till around 11a...sometimes my eyes first open around 7a and i can see the sunrise..sometimes around 9a...and i let my thoughts come and go...and then by 11a... i start to hungry...i look for food

sit around until around 9p when i start to get sleepy...

so the heating schedule follows that with bedtime being colder at 55* and awake time being a bit more temperate in the 60s...

what an accomplishment!

i've been toggling between old seasons of survivor and various FIRE online posts...the journals are still awesome...there are some from a decade ago... it's cool to watch people's career progression and interests change...

helps fortify my confidence that my 80% steady state for my daily activities and tasks is sustainable and there's less of a chance i'll spiral into the pit of despair...at least not for any reasonable length of time...

just because i don't feel like cooking or cleaning or brushing my teeth in this moment or for the last few days...doesn't mean i'll NEVER feel like doing those things...

yeah, it would be better to have these things on a schedule and automate them like clockwork...but oh well....

my kitchen is a mess and i need to sweep the floor and run the dishwasher...and i haven't brushed my teeth in at least 5 days...

but it's also been really great to just veg out on my different surfaces - bed, couch, floor, recliner...and eat snacks...

some of that like many things have a feedback loop... ahhh MALK (almond milk) and lucky charms...give me bad gas and a hurty stomach...not as indulgent as i thought...

manoges...good...eat more of those... 

eating before 11a ---drowsy... 

finances have not been much of an issue because i'm not tempted to go anywhere or do anything...that will likely change as the weather warms up...

kinda unofficially taking january off as a snow day has been a little experiment... but mostly i'm okay with it... it's so nice to be in my warm house and snuggled up lazing around... i am wanting to document this to see when this changes...

there is still a rebellious part of me...that feels like i'm breaking the rule somehow...some version of defiant sunday sleep..where you stay up so monday doesn't come faster...

oh well...

what's on my mind...

probably find other ways to get more convenient foods...i'm trying annie's dal soup...it seemed thick...but heating it up...it's a bit watery... there's a thicker consistency i'm hoping to have for rice...and it falls in line with the rice and beans diet... i actually love beans and rice...just only know how to cook one kind...

i think my rollover check was on the way. in the idealized version of me, i told myself i'd take it to the post office and send it priority mail...but i'll probably send it through a regular envelope and hope it gets there...it's under 2k..so not nothing...and likely they can recut the check if it gets lost...we shall see...

other things...

- still toying around with asking for a layoff when i get back to work in march

- mildly concerned that our employee workday doesn't show my leave yet...curious if i get a call or something...

- and estimating my taxes....looks like it's going to be interesting.... 

that's all

going to cancel a ticket for an event tomorrow....

seasons

 i'm on my second journal in ERE forum.

and yep, humans be struggling.

i see a theme that is observed in reality as well. there are just things people struggle to do. probably cuz it's just not that fun. and the alternative is easier.

just because we happened to figure out money, doesn't mean the other things come any easier. so in that regard, you'd think we had more empathy for people who haven't figured out money.

i notice the themes that i also struggle with

- daily habits (chores around the house, hygiene, etc..)

- better eating habits

- better sleeping habits

- socializing

and to some extent- mood management.

it's nice to not feel so alone and not feel like everyone has it figured out. 

so this gives me more data to lean into my seasonal way of thinking..like having a fall sport, or doing some activity for x amount of time... or having seasonal moods...like right now...i'm leaning into my snow-day season...where i veg out and stay home with less guilt...

no feeling like...i *should* be outside - walking or socializing.

i'm trying to be better about not placing these limitations on myself. 

but the risk for me is mental distress. but i guess this year i will be exploring those limits.

today is already off to a great start... i fried some plantain..and it boosted my mood. it's so yummy. and i had a great bowel movement...y'all don't know how freeing that can feel for me!

so i'm on cloud 9 for the moment.

so yeah, it's 20 days into january and i think snow day season is on its way.

there have been some mildly interesting events floating through my inbox as of late.. that was an easy yes my first 1st year in Newtown...but now that i've backed off the say-yes theme...they seem more like a meh. 

so i don't know.

but i do know i won't spend too much time thinking about it. 

can i just say i'm loovvvvving pre-early retirement... it's awesome!

i hope this feeling never goes away.

gossip

 one of my committee members loves to talk about work..it's gotten where i just kind of tune it out... i don't even think they notice...which works for me...cuz they will go on and on...when i look back...they have always been this way and since i'm not...it's hard to understand why they care so much...but maybe it's one of those people who are really tied to their work and their work is tied to their identity...

and especially now since i've abdicated the work-throne.... i hardly want to hear about it... but i don't think the complaining is because they want to leave... i think it's just conversation...

when i look back.... from my memory i talk about work most when it's frustrating or bothersome or when i feel i've been treated unfairly... to vent...

but golly gee... this person goes on and on... and get's really excitable about it... yes, your co-worker totally should've filled the copier with paper... 

and parents these days and their soft parenting... grrr... i can't relate... and luckily i can dis associate... like... none of my business.. this is likely to have almost no bearing on the outcome of my life... 

i used to be so overly invested in the outcome of some of these relationships... now i have just turned inward...and am very invested in the outcome of my relationship with myself...

that self of mine...dang she's amazing!

Things that make me happy... enjoy?

 value based investing...

goal oriented...

these are things that have helped anchor a lot of my decision making as of late...

without prescribed goals in early retirement... i made a quick list of things that make me happy... maybe enjoy? or value? whatever the word is... might be useful to benchmarks decisions against...

1. Learning new things

2. New adventures/ trying new things

3. Free time with no constraints/ obligations

4. Hearing people's story of triumph

5. Passing on knowledge that makes someone's life better - big or small

Just doing a quick inventory of things i find myself drawn to... this seems to encapsulate it for now...maybe that's why i keep going back ot literacy...whether traditional literacy or financial literacy... i attribute so much of my success to that... 

Notice how misaligned work is to that... at least any job i've ever had...i could totally relate to that ERE journal where he was like not a fan of volunteer work at the food pantry...it's probably one of the lowest barriers of entry for volunteering...but it was so unpleasant...i got almost nothing out of it... he verbalized it well...they don't use the volunteers time well...

saturday reflections

 i finished reading one of the journals on ERE forum and it could not have come at a better time!

it was incredibly helpful to have a peek into someone's experience after FIRE.

i learned he struggled with the same things i am internally concerned about...

namely, trying to figure out a structure / patter to life...and stick with it...

but over his first 3 years... no matter how he tried...things ebbed and flowed/ they were seasonally...

i attribute some of my panic on monday to that... i wanted to have a concrete plan.. a structure to how my retirement would go or else... risk failure i guess... but when i think of what failure looks like... i don't have a good idea... maybe falling back into the pit of despair because of the nothingness... i'm not sure... therapy helps in this regard to try to spit out what exactly your brain is accusing you of...

but yeah... it was helpful to read about his daily struggles with everyday things...like budgeting - forcing himself to spend discretionary income...then realizing that didn't work... cycle of intense exercise; trying new hobbies; cadence with family time; figuring out healthcare; taking care of health items; casually browsing jobs...just all the thinking that goes with building out a life when there's not one pressing 8 hours dictating the rest of the time..; i like how seasonal things were...it was like just when you think he's figured it out... interest just wanes or you realize it's not worth the effort or you recognize your own personal limitations...

i took a lot out of it...it was nice not to get the finished polished product... this is the information i was looking for..

it helped me realize my life will be cyclical and seasonal; maybe i'll pick up a part time job... maybe i won't... maybe i'll spend a bunch of time and money on a hobby only to neglect it after awhile...maybe i'll have friendships that come and go...it was just nice to see... oh so nice... and being medicated... i have space to practice some of my therapy... the thing my therapist is always harping...is... you get to choose...

so yeah so maybe monday i felt like doing absolutely nothing at all... i didn't "fail retirement" because of that... who even knows what that means... but boy was i scared of some sort of unnamed bad outcome... 

i'm so happy for the strangers that post their life journeys on the internet...the lurkers like me benefit soooo sooo much! 

so yeah taking stock of my life... i'm mostly happy i stuck it out and didn't un-alive myself. i don't know if the journey was necessarily worth it...but i'm glad i get to experience some of the good stuff now... some of the soft life ...it's nice friends.

it was just really refreshing to see someone not have it all figured out....and walk away into the bliss of more "family time" or lifetime travel...

neither of those are me...i'm just trying to figure out what i enjoy...

i do know i enjoy copious amounts of free time

i love a snow day

i love staying in and doing cozy things...

i love having ENOUGH money... yes, this moment in life brough to you by the absence of abject poverty and the the absence of the fear of abject poverty..

one of the things i know i'll have to figure out...is where vacations fit in when i'm not trying to run away or escape life or work...

i like being pampered and taken care of... so there's that aspect for sure.. 

so yeah...i feel a bit renewed in my journey to early retirement...

i'm looking forward to figuring out the health care marketplace...

i'm embracing not having it all figured it out...

if this random stranger on the internet can struggle and still keep going...i can to... i think what's important to realize is the strong foundation i have to catch myself..

i know i have the guardrails and tools and resources and life-history to catch myself ... it's unlikely i will fall into despair or poverty or obesity or lose all my teeth or live in a hovel... no matter what my brain tells me... 

so yeah i feel the tides turning on my outlook and it's only been a week..

last night i went to a campfire alone just because i wanted smores... 

i did a grown up thing

 i have been reading an ERE journal that has held my attention. mostly for the detail on life and spending.

i find having cleared my FI goal (more or less), i'm not as compelled by money stories (don't get me wrong, i very much still am just to a lesser degree) as the story after. those are harder to find.

anyway, inspired by all his action on navigating the healthcare system and this weird pain i feel in my breast, i decided to schedule my mammogram.

it was surprisingly easy! 

and i made 3 phone calls! only 1 was fruitful, but i still did the thing.

i scheduled a mammogram. if my films don't make it...oh well!

i decided that worrying about the future was not helpful. i want to listen to my body and do the established routine and preventive care.

i don't know why monday just felt like a lot of pressure to do all the things. but once monday was over, surprisingly the pressure has alleviated.

i still have recurring thoughts of trying to negotiate a layoff given my boss's redundancy. so i keep replaying those conversations...they go like..

instead of extending my STD for another 13 weeks (only to be terminated), would you consider laying me off instead with 13 weeks severance, effective apr 2. given the relocation strategy and ongoing restructuring as well elimination of remote roles in our team. 

other thoughts - i could mention for personal family reasons. 

i don't know why i'm giving it so much thought. i will know more come march. 

grr i hate waiting for things to start.

oh well.

i need to wash my body and brush my teeth today...

not feeling it

 i don't know what's going on

today was an off day

i had oatmeal and a bagel

i really wanted....literally anything else...

but i just want to sleep...

i didn't get out of bed until around 1p

angsty

 the day is filled with angst and i don't know why

tomorrow we get our tax forms

is it the angst of doing my taxes

still feeling some sunday dread and i don't know why

angst about what exactly i am going to do all day

found myself wishing i didn't have to do the voluntary things i signed up for...news flash...i don't

was glad about it

still coveting my free time even though i have 20 to 30 years left

there will be some adjustment this year...

fortunately going back to work isn't the answer

glad i have things to look forward to the next 3 months...yay...

not sure what to do with the angst yet...

jan 12

 my birthday is less than 2 months away. 

i went to sleep last night with a lump in my throat and i woke up this morning with it. 

i'm anxious about something but i'm not quite sure what.

one of my last conversations was about a trip over seas. it wasn't really part of my travel plans or budget for this year, but then I thought why not. it's about 6k more than i thought i'd want to spend this year. so i flashed through some thoughts of increasing my yearly spend from 40k to around 50k...yowzers...

but then i thought...do i really want to go? honestly, not really.

would it make a few members of my family happy - WITHOUT A DOUBT.

spending money to make other people happy...is a new concept to me.

so that's where most of the angst lies.

i haven't really hung out much with my neighbor since thanksgiving.

and i'm surprisingly okay...now.

it was rough at first...but i've gotten into the groove of things.

anxious feelings led me to try to file my taxes with the information i have which is nothing...womp, womp.

overall, still happy. really want some chocolate cookies or rice krispie treats with chocolate chips.

not sure what i'm eating this week.

it's weird to not have to worry about waking up tomorrow.

i thought i needed to fill the time...but now i'm wondering if want to volunteer and play bells...etc...

i feel that pull on my time, and i'm starting to resent it...

well as i have to keep reminding myself....this is the transition year...mistakes will be made....

i want some blueberry waffles

 i'm scared, i'm fearful, i'm excited.

i still love my life right now. 

i might get some chipotle later. 

i made a pork and rice dish but i ate it twice yesterday and now i'm craving some guacomole.

i get to be happy, y'all.

i'm smart and pretty and rich. 

i am those things.

i am also fearful.

unstructured free time has been my nemesis in my recent past.

but before that, i'm pretty sure i loved it.

or maybe the idea of it.

as a kid, it was to be feared and coveted before it was taken away from you.

i find myself often paralyzed with what to do to make the most of it.

lay around and smiling

binge-watching

getting stuff done around the house

attending to chores or tasks

tackling made-up to-do lists

going adventuring

staying put

i have no reliable blue print on what to do with my future time

i applied for a summer job at a camp

i have already romanticized it in this way - it'll be a good mix and break up of my unstructured free time. if i retire in april, i will have about 3 months before it starts, and then 3 months after it...

but then does that put the time constraints on my free time...something i think i want to escape...

this is undoubtedly a good problem to have

but certainly tricky to navigate

what do i with my time with no parent or teacher or employer keeping score; no high marks; no demerits; no congratulations; no time cards; no performance reviews...

how will i know if i'm doing it right?!!

how do you unlearn 40 years of structure and performance metrics?!

maybe you don't?

maybe i don't need to

how do i feel free

i can tell you even with 2 light days at work, the soft lump in my throat remains

my sunday...was a smattering of light gray and i eventually pinned it to returning to work...

which leads me ... lost my train of thought...

oh... this leads me to believe that retiring earlier is better than trying to extend STD leave, even though it's 'money left on the table'...it's also sanity attached to that....and i choose me...

i did that yesterday when i stopped grumbling about it being too cold to get fast food and made myself a pork and rice bowl...that required quite a bit of chopping...

i kind of want to make some meatloaf...that might be next...the weather certainly calls for it..

perhaps this heightened anxiety is related to work...

perhaps i'll have these anxiety nets in place...ie, the summer job, or the Montana trip...

i'm reminded that when i had the call center job i booked a trip to phoenix as an escape to look forward to...but once i no longer that the job, i did not feel a need to escape...

so we shall see...how i feel when i'm finally free from full time work...will the camp job still make sense...will a $6k trip to Montana still make sense...

so for now, i'm refraining from making big or costly plans until after i know how it feels to be free...

again, this was therapeutic because i have the clarity i need...it's imperative i leave my current widget job...sooner rather than later...while free disability payments will be fun...i'm nearing the place in my own life where my decisions don't have to be financially motivated anymore...

which one makes me happier??

i need to find a better word for happy...but maybe that'll be my theme for this year...#softgirl life

and it's entirely possible that i may need some summer camp jobs for the first few years...to transition out of full time work to full time retirement...i'll move with the algorithm...

free housing hasn't stopped being appealing...

2024 State of the Union

Financial Summary

Gross salary:  ~230k

Net pay: ~105k

401k contributions: 38.5k

Overall spend: $80k

Notes:

Obviously, this is the most I've ever grossed in my life in a year. This was attributed to having 2 jobs for half the year. It's also the first year I got a bonus payout and an LTI. In most of my 'i want to quit my job' musings, my target goal was consistently to get to the next bonus payout and then try to hold on until my LTI. 

It's still wild that my net pay is still about half of my gross pay even if I include 401k contributions. Geez!

It's amazing to make so much money. Eventhough, mathematically, it's enough. Emotionally, it still doesn't feel like enough to upgrade my lifestyle in a meaningful way. But it is enough/more than enough to buy financial independence and financial stability, financial security, and freedom. Now I don't have to wonder what I'll do with a million dollars, I get to live it! 

It's weird. Surprisingly weird. 

I'm taking 2025 to savor it. Figure out my routine - financially and otherwise. Sit with it before I make any big plans. I hope this high lasts all of eternity!

Mental Health Summary

I am so glad I was able to transfer my data from the Daylio mood app to my new device. It was cool to look at the data from 2022 when I started tracking to now.

I was pretty inconsistent with tracking activities unless something was particularly bothersome.

What was coolest to have data on was my moods. 

In 2022 after I started to make plan to end my life, my average mood was around 3.0. I had 0 Rad days and the issue I was tracking most was "I did not cry today." I only tracked starting in July, so for the second half of the year, I inputted 65 green days, 67 blue days, 27 orange, and 17 red days (at the time it was crying/suicidal ideation). 

Comparatively, in 2024, I have been on Lexapro for over a year. Halfway through the year, I upped my dose from 10 mg to 15mg because I felt myself wanting to cry and work was making me super anxious. I had one fleeting thought of wanting to find myself ripping the hole in my window screen to make it bigger so I could find myself tumbling out. 

For 2024, my numbers were 95/100 for mood stability (higher is better). I had 82 days in a row of good days. I registered 7 Rad days, 335 good/green days, 25 blue days, 5 orange days, and 13 red days (mostly crying/teary. My top activities were walking/exercise and sleeping through the night. My respiratory tracking also decreased compared to 2023 (when I was having lots of respiratory problems in my new town). My average daily mood was 3.9. It only shows a 30% change in average mood numerically, but it is a world of difference. The better number to track is the number of Good Days! That pretty much tripled. 

Overall, my challenges that my brain focuses are much more manageable. The things plaquing me right now include:

- Yellowstone is turning out to be pricier than I expected. Is it worth it? 

- is this lawyer scamming me?

I feel mostly good about my life. I get so excited thinking about my fat nest egg. I still get to be happy.

I fill my calendar with social events. I have a good friend. I'm still trying to figure out the role of credit cards in my life. Do I want to try Prozac?

A friend asked me - what if you outlive your brother? In all my estate planning, there was no scenario where I would live long at all.