My Brain is Tired

 I've been churning all morning after just 1 hour meeting this morning related to an audit. I already knew it wasn't my jam, but there I was regardless.

I can't wait to sleep. I like my boss, but more and more I'm tired of this job already. Oh well. Yesterday I did some browsing on our internal job site. I suppose that technically wasn't the first time, but it felt different this time. 

I just have all these internal timelines going on. My competitive prideful nature is telling me, well the last person that got promoted, got promoted after 2 years, so I want to do it in 1.

Then a girl on the other side of my department is as much a go-getter as me, so now I feel like I have to outdo or at least match her initiative. Terrible right? Oh well. 

Then in general, I'm just ready for something more organized and structured. Less talking, more work product. 

How is it still January?

I want to celebrate my aunt this weekend. I was going to get takeout and do something memorable - artsy, maybe go to Walmart, watch something she might have liked on TV? 

Yes, the tears came back this month. 

In the morning, I always have so many thoughts. Now I can't think. 

Bonus Target and What to Do After

 1/23/21

Decided what I want to do if I don't reach the bonus award I hoped for. 

You see I'm starting to run out of steam running on 200%. I'm spinning my wheels and just landing in the same spot because mediocrity and sub-par is just not a comfortable state for me. But I can get on board. 

Having no other way to gauge how my performance is perceived or appreciated, I decided to focus on our upcoming bonus. After all, I am here for the money.

Each year the company doles out a multiplier of your target bonus.

In past years, the multiplier has been 98%, 154%, 167%. It's expected to be pretty low this year.

But I need something to keep me motivated because I'm running out of steam.

I decided if my bonus award is not at least Multiplier + 30, I am going to spend the next 30 days after award date actively displaying and annotating what "average" looks like.  Then just adopting that attitude as a default. Fully immerse myself in not-it, last minute, rebuild all the wheels culture. 

What does this look like: 

- Strictly working 8 hours a day. Default = 9a-5p; if a meeting starts at 8a, I only work until 4p that day. No exceptions. No more weekends. No more last minute requests.

- No more personal assistant duties. I like to tee up emails for her meetings when I can. I take menial administrative tasks off her plate when I can. 

- I fill in the blanks when I can. I update our project slides weekly with many reminders. If she doesn't provide the update, the slide is going to be blank or say - No Updates. 

- No more proactive responsiblities. I will begrudgingly adopt our corporate reactive culture.  I will not point out or create process improvements. 

- When she says she's going to do something, I'll let her do it (even if I know she won't do it). 

- If I see a better way of doing something, I'll say nothing and let leadership figure it out.

- I just want to coast.

I'm running myself ragged and I want it to be acknowledged and I want to be compensated appropriately. 

- Things I've been proactive about as of late

       - Trying to organize product training to a more streamlined process

       - Updating our 400 document database 

       - Updating our templates, after an agent noticed one mistake on one. I took it upon myself to look up all 96. (dumb)

      - Updating our walking deck

       - Creating a better slide presentation for product training

 Anyway, I just wanted to document this so I can hold myself accountable or have something to focus on till bonus day. It's a win-win in either scenario. I either get a fat bonus or I get to do less work and can stop running myself ragged. 

Thanks, God! 

Does Airing Grievances Magnify Them

 I think it does. I feel like talking about my problems brings them top of my mind and I tend to experience my world through that lens. So then I only remember things that support that narrative.

I decided that this job was frustrating and a constant putting out of fires. I'm anxious and I can't turn my brain off because there is always tedious work to be done.

I tried to lean into their corporate culture of just always being on and submitting average work and moving on to the next thing. I didn't love it because I don't feel like I'm growing that way.

A guy that started the same day as me pointed out that everyone here is really nice. And I thought, he's right. To me it's a bit of detriment because it just takes longer to do things because everyone treads lightly. But I suppose the alternative is worse. 

There's nothing like having a meeting about the meeting you just had.

It's just hard to know if it's going to be better elsewhere. When you hear all the advice of other people's experience, it's difficult to filter. It just makes early retirement such an appropriate goal for me. 

One barometer I use to check-in with myself is, if I hit my FIRE goal tomorrow, what would I do in terms of my job.  In this particular moment, it would make the job more fun because I don't think I would feel this pressure to succeed. Which I don't know if I would eventually hate that. But I think I would be okay living reactively because I would see myself as more of a consultant. I wouldn't be so focused on establishing good process or thinking beyond the moment. 

But in present day, I do feel pressure within myself to establish good processes so that in 6 months we can be in a better place. 

Right now my most immediate goal is to churn out work product until bonus day. I'm starting to second guess my co-worker's thoughts that there is another review before bonus day. Because bonuses are for the previous year. I'm guessing whatever the managers want to award as bonuses will probably already be submitted by now. 

Another Anxious 3am Post: My brother, a set-up and more

 So what is making me anxious this early morn.

So much yet so little.

I got a message from my brother last week that he's moving in with my aunt. Appended to that was the suggestion that he stay with me for awhile. 

Say what now? 

Given all the people that have opened their home to me you'd think I'd be more amenable to that.

But mostly I'm thinking, this is why I like to keep things closer to the vest.  I knew once I started telling people I'd bought the house or that I had a 2 bedroom, it would automatically be seen as a resource for others. And... I was right. 

I don't know how to be selective with whom I tell certain things, so my default has always been to say very little to everyone. Then the last year or two I just started saying all the things. Definitely need to pull that back. Vulnerability, transparency where cool pop culture buzz words much in the way of therapy and closure and talking things out. I've received no benefit chasing any of those things. 

When will I learn that TV is not real. 

Yesterday my boss and my buddy met for almost 2 hours to do audit prep. I sensed something was amiss when at the beginning of the meeting they acted to be fumbling around for who had a draft of the audit prep document. I'd edited it with some preliminary notes over the weekend, but my boss had not responded. Sometimes that's because she hasn't read the document, other times I'm guessing it's because it's not what the end product should be. 

A few months ago, my buddy had met with me and her direct report to talk about how she wanted to establish an audit plan for 2021. She made sure to say how she and her direct report were certified auditors. And my boss went on and on about how my buddy saved her during the last audit.

To me it naturally made sense that this was in my buddy's wheelhouse.  My default setting is to fall back anyway when they are together since they have vocally expressed how well they work together. 

Back to the meeting. Basically, my boss and my buddy pretended like they were going to be the point person for the audit as we went through the questions. Then at the end when we were nailing down who would be the point person, it ended up being me. My boss said she was not available and couldn't block off the whole week. And my buddy was going to be off for 2 days next week, and my boss said she wanted it to be the same person for the whole week. All these things were known before the meeting, so why are we pretending that you, boss lady, didn't know you wanted it to be me.

To me, I would have paid more attention and asked more questions for the last 2 hours if I knew I was taking the lead on this but alas. 

I hate to think that she's been on trial, but lately some of the things that have been coming out of my mouth and running through my mind leads me to believe I'm ready for a new position. 

I'm hoping to hang in there and keep producing noticeable work product until bonus time. I could be convinced to stay if my bonus award is at least 30% more than the base. Meaning, if with the multiplier the minimum amount I could get is $10,000, then I expect $13,000. That's the metric I've set for myself. It just better be higher than other people's. 

Speaking of, I've noticed now that I work with Frenemy, she talks about her finances less. When we were talking about bonuses, I was trying to assess what would be considered a good bonus, and the fastest number she could come up with was someone else's.  Strange right?

Anyway, so yeah. I'm more anxious, more frustrated with work. But I'd like to keep my thoughts under wraps until bonus time. 

A Cluttered Inbox Leads to a Restless Night

 Do our dreams really tell us anything?

I'm feeling cluttered and mentally constipated. I'm stressed and anxious and not quite sure what to do about it. 

I wonder if I'm menstrual but since I don't have a flow, I can't tell. 

I left my inbox cluttered last night because I just wanted to bury my head in the sand. 

I've been ruminating about early retirement goals and leaving my job. I'm not sure why. I don't know if another job at this company or another company will even be better. 

I don't want to say can't, but I certainly don't enjoy functioning at this level of daily emergencies. 

I stayed at Call Center #1 for four years because it was routine and methodical until I went to the busy project and started to feel anxious everytime the phone would ring.

Now I have new feelings in these meetings. I feel crazy because I don't know what people are talking about and I don't know what the expectation is on my part. People ask questions and people answer questions that weren't asked and everyone gets high praise. 

I don't know how to excel and it makes me feel bad. And I feel like I run at a different standard than other people here. Like everyone seems to function last minute, and it's okay. Or they do a copy and paste job of someone else's sub-par work, and it's okay because everyone here is very good at "talking the talk." 

Then I can't get excited about possibly being ahead of schedule on my FIRE path because then it will get taken away from me. 

I just feel like something bad is about to happen - like my boss is going to get too stressed and explode and we will be responsible for running the business without her.

I guess I'm just running out of patience of being asked to do things at letter X when I wasn't part of the conversation from A-whatever letter comes before X. 

I'm tired of the emotional rollercoaster. 

And I want to get excited about FIRE.

And I'm also tired of this house - I miss my studio. I knew I wasn't ready for this responsibility.  I wish I had kept my aunt's car. Because when thinking about FIRE, the car and house are my two biggest unknowns which translates into two biggest worries. 

I don't think I would want to rent an apartment in this area because the people here are too transient, so I don't know what the solution is. 

But if I ever reach FIRE ($500k), I think I'll take the following 3 to 6 months to find a new place to live and develop a life.  That way I can use that money to do those things and not have to worry about penetrating my nest egg. 

Monday Morning Worries and Corporate Code

 What am I dreading today? My boss sent an email Saturday night to me and 3 other people to update a PPT slide. I feel like it was probably intended for me to do since she knows I tend to work on weekends, and I definitely wanted to do it. But there were 3 other people on the email that are project managers I think specifically for that project, and I really don't know what the slide is for. 

We are releasing a new database at the end of the quarter, so it's related to that. I don't know if this is just communicating the change or the actual training. If it's just communicating, then it seems kind of pointless. I don't know. My team loves to rename basic things. Like we don't call trainings and testing, trainings and testings. They have a plethora of names now - UAT, validation, demos, change management, change communication. I'm lost in the corporate code. 

I peeped my boss's calendar and for some reason that gave me stress. I don't know what my 9:30a meeting is about. I'm a little disappointed my Racist Friend didn't call me. Boo.

I actually got a good email from Mint. It was just a 'good job' email and it didn't tell me the amount - perfect. 

Sunday Morning Musings, Teen Moms, and Some Money Matters

 It was light out at 7:53a this morning. Just as quickly as it started getting dark early it already feels like daylight is returning earlier and earlier. Thanks, God!

Oh gosh, I miss church. I miss the church of my youth though. I think after leaving my home church, I never had a church family again. 

It's so nice to see people being really entrenched in community. I think people definitely leverage their children to accomplish social networking goals. 

It makes me happy when my boss gives me things to do. Although these days I'm starting to feel more like her admin. So my job and Job 2 used to be just one job and only after a recent re-org did my job exist. The person in Job 2 recently ended one of our nurse programs, and my boss made the comment - doesn't the person in Job 2 know that if the programs end she'll be out of a job. 

That's what I've been thinking about my job as well. And since I got here, I've been thinking we only need to really keep 2 of the 5 programs. That's been part of the reason I've been keeping my ear open to other jobs. My next goal is to do a good, nay great, job until bonuses come out. I was running out of steam but I want to gear up and hang on for 3 more months.  Then I want to start actively looking AND applying. I've scanned Indeed twice already and with a co-worker reached out to HR twice for internal openings. 

So if being her personal admin keeps me on her positive output radar, I don't mind. 

Some things I know about myself:

- I don't really have any original ideas.

- I'm a great copycat that can generate process improvement ideas. 

- I've always thought I'd make a great "vice-president," you know the supportive role. I don't know if I've been afraid of leadership roles because I don't think I'd do it well, the pressure, or fear of something else. These days it doesn't seem like you actually have to be that great at your job. So I don't know if my position on this is changing. But I do still tend to prefer or find more comfort in supportive roles. 

Speaking of knowing myself. I missed the chance to get my Hulu for $0.15 this month because I didn't pre-pay my bill on time. I am a set it and forget it kind of person. Even if it means all of my finances aren't optimized. I tend to do tasks in a batch so I can turn that side of my brain on for awhile, complete the tasks, and do the next thing. 

So yeah, managing multiple credit cards to get rewards point is not a high enough return for me at this point to keep it up. I think I'll just pre-pay the next 3 months on internet to get the 5% cashback and be done. I called Spectrum and they're raising my rates anyway, so I don't even know if I'm sticking with them after March. 

I don't generally watch all the variations of Teen Mom because I don't support normalizing that kind of behavior. We all eventually normalize things we see on TV, albeit different things for different people.  They have children cussing on TV. I don't love that. 

But Unexpected has been a little interesting to have playing in the background while I do other things. Boy are we all not looking to find acceptance and belonging. I get it. So many broken people and mismatched love relationships. 

I was definitely a boy-crazy teen but the thought of actually being in a relationship wasn't the goal. It was just the feelings and talking about the feelings with your friends. It's only after experiencing the loss of my parents last year that I've really started to consider a romantic relationship. And honestly, I feel the way I do about being vice-president. I mostly just want a friend. Like a nice next door neighbor--well that maybe lives a couple blocks away. 

I've come to enjoy my personal space, but I wouldn't mind being invited for a cookout or a nice walk or a hang every now and then. 

Oh as for putting distance between me and some frenemies. I'm slowly but surely getting there. Then the other side of my brain is saying, if you get a few more requests for chats in the next month, I might start giving out my number. Boo. 

I'm going to watch TV and eat some plantain crisps - just saw those at Trader Joe's.  They're tasty. 

What's making me anxious today

 

My hair is tangled

I tried to tackle the rat's nest as a frenemy once called it yesterday. I did 1/8 of my head and got tired and stopped. It's been 6 months since I combed my hair last. 

I smell

I think it's been at least a month since I showered. I think I showered at the beginning of Dec 2020. This morning instead of showering, I just changed my clothes. 

Dentist appointment this week

Ugh, it's going to be bad. My dental hygiene suffered much the same path as my body and hair. 

Work

When my racist friend called me out for not using my training in my current job, it stuck with me. Probably because I've been thinking the same thing. I am not a white man, so soft skills is not something that I can easily market for my next job. It's just become glaringly obvious that unless the only thing I want to do next is my boss's job, I need to move on.  We launch our new platform in April, so I'd like to see our team through that but honestly, I'm sure they'd be fine without me. 

My options are - look for a new job within the company or look elsewhere. Eventhough I had no luck finding a med info job when I was actively searching in 2019, that's where I'll be looking.  Maybe I don't know how to look for a job? I was thinking of starting after March 2021 to make sure I get my bonus at my current job. But now I'm thinking for external jobs, I might be okay to start now. But tentatively, I think restarting the job hunt after Q1 and try to really just enjoy the next 3 months and not feel like I have anything to prove or go on warp speed.

I've already put screen time limits on the work iPad. I got the TV so I can keep the work iPad out of the bedroom. I realize working 10a to 6p is not realistic so I'm mentally resetting to a 9a start time. I set an alarm for 5p on my alarm clock app to end the work day. 

This isn't a job I can be "the best" at. It's such a moving target and I don't know how to hit it. 

But maybe I'm being too dramatic, and it's not really much better anywhere else. Well the latter I can believe, but for whatever reason I have it in my head that I need to move on. 

I have recurring thoughts of the white man's comment of what do I do everyday? Lies the devil told me.  But I'm used to white men putting me down. I can't let him run me out of this cushy job. I mean what does he do all day? 

Is this intuition? History? Fear? What exactly is fueling my decision to move on from this seemingly great job? 

My co-worker in a different department doesn't do much 50 out of the 52 weeks out of the year (her words, not mine), why does she feel secure in her job? What am I doing wrong? 

Should I just try to enjoy the ride until it ends because I do have some financial flexibility? Well it's more emotional safety nets that I'm lacking. Can I really just duck and cover until the next pivot point?

So, yeah work stuff. 

Friend stuff

IDK. My cousin emailed me to set-up a video chat. I spent Christmas and New Year's alone and she's a newlywed. We just aren't living the same life right now. 

My co-worker keeps ending our calls because she has an active family life.

My aunt cuts me off and then tells me I'm not a good listener.

Money stuff

I thought I wanted to get periodic  updates on my money goals but the emails from the budget apps just make me more anxious. It just reminds me how far away I am from my goal no matter the progress I'm making. I already knew that, hence quarterly rather than monthly money updates with myself. 

I just want to bury my head in the sand and come out when my life is figured out. Maybe it's just the start of a year that just reminds me of ughhhh another 365 darn days of this, and a lifetime to go. It's all just too much - enough of the time. 

Tithing, Community Service, Minor Frugalities, and Calamity at the Call Center

 I was up until 1a last night with my boss and it was magical! I think we know I already love her, so being able to spend that much time engaged with her was amazing. I don't want to minimize my contribution, but I was mostly just emotional support. 

Basically the call center wouldn't close. It was supposed to close at 5p on Thursday but the lines were still open. And we also ended our after-hours service but not all the lines were routing to the right place. And those that were routing to the Security desk, it turns out the Security Desk Line was non-operational. 

A recurring theme with my job and my co-workers is: who's supposed to know? and when known, who's supposed to fix issues? 

Everyone thinks it's the other person and everyone accuses the other of not doing any work. I know I've certainly heard it about me, and I've thought it about other people. 

Tithing and Community Service

Sorry, God but tithing $12,000 just seems ... I mean who would I even give it to? So I converted that much money to hours based on my hourly wage. Between estimated net and gross, I hope to volunteer between 157 to 207 hours this year. that's an average of about 4 hours a week. I count family time as volunteer work. 

Some of my anxiety

Well, I was creeping my boss's calendar and it seems that "my buddy" is coming back on Monday. Anxiety. I also realized the perception that I'm not doing anything is anxiety-inducing. This morning I also came to the realization that everything else I've done has had a metric. I learned to read at three (before other kids). I skipped a grade. I got good grades because that was the metric to win. At the call center, I focused on my call handle time. Getting good survey scores. Minimizing deviations and escalations and returned cases. It was just so much easier to track my progress and my success. It's something I've always known I valued. 

Furthermore, I feel like with this job, there's so much unearthing, like - I'm not going to get any credit for staying up 3 hours into the morning on a holiday to troubleshoot the call center. That's not a metric. That's not a marketable skill. I think that's what I like least about this job. After 1 year, what can I really offer to the next role, you know.  So I don't want to get stuck. I think that was another source of anxiety because if I'm moving on after 1 year, I really will need to start looking in about 3 months - eek. Talk about anxiety.  So that's a lot of it - perception, stagnant marketable skills, no metrics to target, hit, or exceed, and looking for another job. 

TV and Minor Frugalities

I'm so over TV. I definitely am over paying for it. I have access to enough free log-ins that even the $12 or $15 I pay for my cable provider's app seems unnecessary. I've tried to ask for a better deal but it didn't work. 

This became top of mind because I need to rein in some of my open cards. Chase is offering 5% cashback on internet and cable services for the next 3 months. If I prepay for the whole year, that's $40 cashback for the year.  But I don't love paying $66/mon for internet. Do I think I can get it for the promo price of $50? Ugh... 

And then my car insurance is due. It's easiest just to use BillPay, but for $2 Cashback I might just pay with my cashback debit card. 

I'd kind of agreed with myself that chasing these tiny deals isn't where I am just yet. The mental load isn't worth it to me. 

Zucchini Bread

I used to love zucchini bread. Zucchini and chocolate chip bread. 

I think I'm going to make my boss some treats for her birthday. This time I'll send it 2 weeks in advance.