A Cluttered Inbox Leads to a Restless Night

 Do our dreams really tell us anything?

I'm feeling cluttered and mentally constipated. I'm stressed and anxious and not quite sure what to do about it. 

I wonder if I'm menstrual but since I don't have a flow, I can't tell. 

I left my inbox cluttered last night because I just wanted to bury my head in the sand. 

I've been ruminating about early retirement goals and leaving my job. I'm not sure why. I don't know if another job at this company or another company will even be better. 

I don't want to say can't, but I certainly don't enjoy functioning at this level of daily emergencies. 

I stayed at Call Center #1 for four years because it was routine and methodical until I went to the busy project and started to feel anxious everytime the phone would ring.

Now I have new feelings in these meetings. I feel crazy because I don't know what people are talking about and I don't know what the expectation is on my part. People ask questions and people answer questions that weren't asked and everyone gets high praise. 

I don't know how to excel and it makes me feel bad. And I feel like I run at a different standard than other people here. Like everyone seems to function last minute, and it's okay. Or they do a copy and paste job of someone else's sub-par work, and it's okay because everyone here is very good at "talking the talk." 

Then I can't get excited about possibly being ahead of schedule on my FIRE path because then it will get taken away from me. 

I just feel like something bad is about to happen - like my boss is going to get too stressed and explode and we will be responsible for running the business without her.

I guess I'm just running out of patience of being asked to do things at letter X when I wasn't part of the conversation from A-whatever letter comes before X. 

I'm tired of the emotional rollercoaster. 

And I want to get excited about FIRE.

And I'm also tired of this house - I miss my studio. I knew I wasn't ready for this responsibility.  I wish I had kept my aunt's car. Because when thinking about FIRE, the car and house are my two biggest unknowns which translates into two biggest worries. 

I don't think I would want to rent an apartment in this area because the people here are too transient, so I don't know what the solution is. 

But if I ever reach FIRE ($500k), I think I'll take the following 3 to 6 months to find a new place to live and develop a life.  That way I can use that money to do those things and not have to worry about penetrating my nest egg.