Another Anxious 3am Post: My brother, a set-up and more

 So what is making me anxious this early morn.

So much yet so little.

I got a message from my brother last week that he's moving in with my aunt. Appended to that was the suggestion that he stay with me for awhile. 

Say what now? 

Given all the people that have opened their home to me you'd think I'd be more amenable to that.

But mostly I'm thinking, this is why I like to keep things closer to the vest.  I knew once I started telling people I'd bought the house or that I had a 2 bedroom, it would automatically be seen as a resource for others. And... I was right. 

I don't know how to be selective with whom I tell certain things, so my default has always been to say very little to everyone. Then the last year or two I just started saying all the things. Definitely need to pull that back. Vulnerability, transparency where cool pop culture buzz words much in the way of therapy and closure and talking things out. I've received no benefit chasing any of those things. 

When will I learn that TV is not real. 

Yesterday my boss and my buddy met for almost 2 hours to do audit prep. I sensed something was amiss when at the beginning of the meeting they acted to be fumbling around for who had a draft of the audit prep document. I'd edited it with some preliminary notes over the weekend, but my boss had not responded. Sometimes that's because she hasn't read the document, other times I'm guessing it's because it's not what the end product should be. 

A few months ago, my buddy had met with me and her direct report to talk about how she wanted to establish an audit plan for 2021. She made sure to say how she and her direct report were certified auditors. And my boss went on and on about how my buddy saved her during the last audit.

To me it naturally made sense that this was in my buddy's wheelhouse.  My default setting is to fall back anyway when they are together since they have vocally expressed how well they work together. 

Back to the meeting. Basically, my boss and my buddy pretended like they were going to be the point person for the audit as we went through the questions. Then at the end when we were nailing down who would be the point person, it ended up being me. My boss said she was not available and couldn't block off the whole week. And my buddy was going to be off for 2 days next week, and my boss said she wanted it to be the same person for the whole week. All these things were known before the meeting, so why are we pretending that you, boss lady, didn't know you wanted it to be me.

To me, I would have paid more attention and asked more questions for the last 2 hours if I knew I was taking the lead on this but alas. 

I hate to think that she's been on trial, but lately some of the things that have been coming out of my mouth and running through my mind leads me to believe I'm ready for a new position. 

I'm hoping to hang in there and keep producing noticeable work product until bonus time. I could be convinced to stay if my bonus award is at least 30% more than the base. Meaning, if with the multiplier the minimum amount I could get is $10,000, then I expect $13,000. That's the metric I've set for myself. It just better be higher than other people's. 

Speaking of, I've noticed now that I work with Frenemy, she talks about her finances less. When we were talking about bonuses, I was trying to assess what would be considered a good bonus, and the fastest number she could come up with was someone else's.  Strange right?

Anyway, so yeah. I'm more anxious, more frustrated with work. But I'd like to keep my thoughts under wraps until bonus time.