What's making me anxious today

 

My hair is tangled

I tried to tackle the rat's nest as a frenemy once called it yesterday. I did 1/8 of my head and got tired and stopped. It's been 6 months since I combed my hair last. 

I smell

I think it's been at least a month since I showered. I think I showered at the beginning of Dec 2020. This morning instead of showering, I just changed my clothes. 

Dentist appointment this week

Ugh, it's going to be bad. My dental hygiene suffered much the same path as my body and hair. 

Work

When my racist friend called me out for not using my training in my current job, it stuck with me. Probably because I've been thinking the same thing. I am not a white man, so soft skills is not something that I can easily market for my next job. It's just become glaringly obvious that unless the only thing I want to do next is my boss's job, I need to move on.  We launch our new platform in April, so I'd like to see our team through that but honestly, I'm sure they'd be fine without me. 

My options are - look for a new job within the company or look elsewhere. Eventhough I had no luck finding a med info job when I was actively searching in 2019, that's where I'll be looking.  Maybe I don't know how to look for a job? I was thinking of starting after March 2021 to make sure I get my bonus at my current job. But now I'm thinking for external jobs, I might be okay to start now. But tentatively, I think restarting the job hunt after Q1 and try to really just enjoy the next 3 months and not feel like I have anything to prove or go on warp speed.

I've already put screen time limits on the work iPad. I got the TV so I can keep the work iPad out of the bedroom. I realize working 10a to 6p is not realistic so I'm mentally resetting to a 9a start time. I set an alarm for 5p on my alarm clock app to end the work day. 

This isn't a job I can be "the best" at. It's such a moving target and I don't know how to hit it. 

But maybe I'm being too dramatic, and it's not really much better anywhere else. Well the latter I can believe, but for whatever reason I have it in my head that I need to move on. 

I have recurring thoughts of the white man's comment of what do I do everyday? Lies the devil told me.  But I'm used to white men putting me down. I can't let him run me out of this cushy job. I mean what does he do all day? 

Is this intuition? History? Fear? What exactly is fueling my decision to move on from this seemingly great job? 

My co-worker in a different department doesn't do much 50 out of the 52 weeks out of the year (her words, not mine), why does she feel secure in her job? What am I doing wrong? 

Should I just try to enjoy the ride until it ends because I do have some financial flexibility? Well it's more emotional safety nets that I'm lacking. Can I really just duck and cover until the next pivot point?

So, yeah work stuff. 

Friend stuff

IDK. My cousin emailed me to set-up a video chat. I spent Christmas and New Year's alone and she's a newlywed. We just aren't living the same life right now. 

My co-worker keeps ending our calls because she has an active family life.

My aunt cuts me off and then tells me I'm not a good listener.

Money stuff

I thought I wanted to get periodic  updates on my money goals but the emails from the budget apps just make me more anxious. It just reminds me how far away I am from my goal no matter the progress I'm making. I already knew that, hence quarterly rather than monthly money updates with myself. 

I just want to bury my head in the sand and come out when my life is figured out. Maybe it's just the start of a year that just reminds me of ughhhh another 365 darn days of this, and a lifetime to go. It's all just too much - enough of the time.